The Stolen Case of No
No is a familiar word from our lips and I have explained its extensive use and important value to our kind on a previous occasion. We use now to exert our hold over you. It is not only used in that sense but also as a reminder that you have lost the use of no because we steal that from you and then, when saying “no” to you on a repeated basis we are flaunting what we have taken from you.
We steal your ability to say no very soon into the entanglement. We pluck it away from you with ease and subterfuge so that it seems as if you have placed the use of the word “no” into retirement when actually it has been carefully and quietly spirited away from you. During devaluation, the theft is far more apparent. It has been a brazen burglary, a smash and grab as each time we metaphorically hit you over the head (and in some cases also do so literally) and make off with your use of the word “no”. It is removed from you forcibly and then waved around in front of you on a daily basis, a vicious reminder that we can use it and you cannot. Therein this underlines our superiority over you. The acquisition of the word “no” is an early and key aim of when we ensnare you. We set out to take it from you, acquire it for our own extensive use and deny you the opportunity of using it ever again. Inevitably the questions of how and why we do this manifest. First of all, how do we achieve this pilfering? What forms does it take?
- You lose the capacity to say no to our advances during seduction.
- You cannot say not to spending time with us.
- You cannot say not to the suggestions we make.
- You cannot say no to the places we take you.
- You cannot say no to the gifts we shower you with.
- You cannot say no the first time we take your hand.
- You cannot say not the first time we move closer to kiss you.
- You cannot say no when we take you to bed.
- You cannot say no when we keep staying at your place.
- You cannot say no when we invite you to stay with us.
- You cannot say no when we turn up unexpectedly and invite you out for lunch or coffee.
Think back to your seduction (or if you are still inside this period consider the ongoing situation) and how readily you accede to all these requests. It is easy because there is always an upside. You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no, because you do not want to miss out on the experience of being with us and being bound closer to us. You do not realise this but we have already stolen your ability to say no. Just in the way that a totalitarian state tells you what to think, say and do, we do the same but it is all wonderful, golden and benign. This is because when we take away your capacity to say no during the seduction of the golden period we are governing you through love. This regime is as controlling as any other but is uses love to achieve governance.
What then of devaluation? How then does the theft of “no” occur?
- You do not say no to our demands that you run around after us.
- You do not say no to our command that you stay in and do not go out with your friends.
- You are forbidden from saying no to our demands in the bedroom, no matter how degrading and humiliating they may be.
- You do not say no to our sudden explosions of rage but rather you must deal with them and ride you out.
- You do not say not to the repeated crossing of your boundaries through our invasion of your personal space, the occupation of your accommodation, the use of your resources such as time and money.
- You do not say no to our coming and going as we please. We are entitled and we remove your ability to say no in order to further this sense of absolute entitlement.
- You do not say no to our erosion of your self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem as we whittle them away through the repeated applications of our manipulations.
- You do not say not to our isolation of you, as we ensure you spend time with us and do not socialise with friends and family.
- You do not say no to the frequent manipulations that are applied to you, but rather you suck them up and deal with them as best as you can.
The totalitarian regime that we implement is no longer one which used love in order to govern. That has been replaced with fear. Fear of repercussions, of responses, reactions and consequences has the word no evaporate from your vocabulary. Even if you try and say it, it will not come naturally, but rather sticks in your throat until we seize it and pull it away from you once again leaving you with no option other than to say “yes”.
The theft of “no” continues even after you are discarded as well.
- You do not say no to our smearing of you to third parties, since you are bewildered and do not have the energy or coping mechanisms to fight back;
- You do not say no to our hoovering of you by saying no to our home visits, no to our telephone calls or no to our messages;
- You do not say no to the memories of us but rather allow them to fill your mind and continue our infection of you;
- You do no say no to wondering what we are doing and who with
- You do not say no to spying on us, trawling our social media profile and asking others about us.
- You do not say no to the reinstatement of the golden period.
No is denied to you repeatedly. It is taken from your lexicon of words and if you ever try to take it back, it is soon whipped away from you once again. We own your use of the word “no”. We understand the power that comes with its use and that is why we take it by any means possible. At first through the false love and then through the imposition of fear, intimidation and threat.
Why do we do this? Why do we make it our aim to remove your capacity to resist, refuse and thus say no?
- The word “no” is powerful. More so than “yes”. It is harder to say but when used it is powerful. We want to remove that power from you and have it ourselves.
- By preventing you from saying no to us we can control you and have you do what we want.
- Only the great have the ability to say no. We have it. Therefore, we are superior. You do not. You are therefore inferior.
- You know you should say it but you cannot. This damages your self-worth even further.
- Watching you try to say the word we have taken causes you pain, frustration, upset and anger, all of which lead to the provision of fuel.
The removal of “no” from you to us is a lynchpin in our manipulation of you. How ought you to deal with this theft? It is simple enough. Always remember where you have placed the word “no”, take it out, use it, practise with it, say it to yourself in the mirror and remember that the more you use it the harder it is for us to steal it from you and keep it from you.
38 thoughts on “The Stolen Case of No”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
And what if the narc doesn’t accept a ‘no’ from you? I’ve seen the following happen after a ‘no’:
– they keep pushing and pushing until they get the answer they want
– they ask why and use your answer to keep pushing or challenging your no – including being very manipulative, as opposed to just forceful.
How can we avoid entering this situation, and getting the narcs to accept that ‘no’ means ‘no’!
You cannot. See Escape for how to deal with such a situation (it is in circular conversations).
I’ve searched for the post but can’t find it. Do you instead mean your book titled ‘Escape’?
I have largely escaped (relationship ended, no contact except through lawyers), I’m referring to legal matters. The primary narc won’t accept ‘no’ for an answer – ever. He just keeps pinging back and back and back. Endless solicitor’s letters. And it was my choice to conduct correspondence via this costly medium – as I was so fed up with him not accepting no or boundaries I’d set over email.
Do I get my lawyer to go all out aggressive, or get them to go a bit grey rock on the other party. It doesn’t matter what I write to him, how solid my position is, he just ignores what my lawyer says and keeps going with what he wants. Pushing, ever pushing. What can I do?
Yes the book Escape, Sunshine.
Are you in litigation and what is it about (do not need precise details – is it children, property, money, a divorce?)
I say no all the time now, just because I CAN!!!
Love (5.Febr. at 2.17 AM) look for game theory: Tit for tat.
No? Why not? Lol!!
Yep.
Nyet!
“You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no”
(Of course I didn’t want to. I thought you were a good person. I thought you were a friend. I thought you really meant well when you said you never forgot me. But as I got clarity that you were always my enemy, I reluctantly had to say no. Yes, it was in fact hard. But you made one mistake with me. You thought you took away my no and I would go quietly. I did not. But anyway, it’s really your loss. The self-esteem damage was profound and abrupt, unexpected, but I finally healed. I am now stepping all over you, seeing you for the ugly, evil person you are. And I know enough now to know the loss of my fuel, even before I knew I was even providing any (just the mere fact that you once hurt me deliberately ages ago and hung on to it all that time for fuel), is going to sting. Because it shows you in all your pathos. That you could hang on to that for so long, when I erased you once, forgot your existence, and that you are the same ugly person, and will be erased again, shows me that you never really controlled MY “no”, not for long. So I enjoy now, watching from the side lines, as you plow through friend after friend, fuel after fuel. I paid you back in little ways you will never know for sure was me, fucking with your life from far, far away. But you toyed with me again, when I gave in one more time to my deep hurt that I have to say no, my reluctance, but you went too far, that last one. So you are erased at last. And once in a while, I will watch you, see what has become of your pathetic life. Scraping the bottom of morality, trying to feel alive when you are dead inside. Your energy long since left your body, truly, you have no Chi at all, you are really a walking cadaver who can only post pictures of your once golden years. The sad part is that because YOU were unable to say NO, to all your impulses, all your internal corruption, you are left with nothing in life. I just had to be willing to finally see it all and let go my goodness and love. )
I said no.
BRAVO!!!
This made smile with exhilaration.
YAS GIRL!
The female narc even talked about criminal behavior, for example about lies in front of a judge…..She felt so safe.with me. And she talked and talked and I smiled and smiled….and agreed and agreed…
Mona,
So you pick pathological people as friends and lovers. Why do you imagine that is?
It’s possible that she just attracts them because she projects innocence and vulnerability.
Brian,
Could you expand on why you believe that type draws a Narcissist? Thx.
HG says he is attracted to the potential supertanker of fuel, so I have to defer to the expert on that one.
I think innocence and vulnerability are attractive to someone who wants to dominate , because those traits allow them to dominate covertly, lead someone up the garden path etc.
Thx Brian.
I would things that women with a strong personality are a better target and they aren’t as easily broken as someone who is vulnerable and innocent. Targeting a person who is coming out of a divorce or a bad break up seems better as they are easily distracted by the flamboyance of the narcissist. HG your thoughts please.
Hallo Anna Belle Black, normally I do not. After the narcissistic relationship I read some contact ads to find female friends to go out and have fun. She was one of them. It was only an unhappy coincidence. But in some way you are right. Come one, come all could be my motto. All the pathological people came to me in the past. From schizophrenic to autistic to drug addicts to borderline and so on. All of them. One time I could help the police to find out the crazy motive of someone who committed a crime. The detective said to me :Respect! How did you know that? It was a person similar to Matthias Rust. They were surprised, because nobody else could explain, why he did that crime. It was very strange,but in his madness logical.
One young man came to me and told me that he heard ” voices.” I was the first one, whom he told that.
Why is it like that? I think, I was curios in a positive way, I have had only a few prejudices, I liked people. Normally I like to listen. I do not judge someone for being strange or different. I have had a father, a little bit like Spock of the Enterprise . He was a highly intelligent,a total logical and rational man, very friendly, with strong values. But he could not show feelings or he had none. He was not able to interpret feelings shown to him. I think he suffered from alexithymie. Even when he had a very dangerous life-threatening heart operation he had no fear.(Chance to survive about max 30%) He said: “I am on death row now.” And then he smiled. (He meant the hospital,in which he was). When I was a child I was forced to look for tiny piece of emotion. Anything….that showed some interest of him to me. I could have been the child of a neighbour…. He was as friendly to me as to everyone. No difference. And my mother is a victim narcissist. The perfect match. Maybe that is the reason, why I registrated things, that other people cannot see. It has been some kind of a gift and some kind of a burden. I was blind only to narcissistic behaviour (because of my mother). Now it stopped. I do not want that gift anymore. Now I am a person, who is untouchable and very often cold and disinterested. I closed the gates. Only two persons have admission to come close to me. Often I give people the silent treatment. I adopted that behaviour. It functions so well.
Mona, I also have narc female friends. I suspect they are higher level than any male narc I’ve been with. I’ve known them for years. My close friends. I realized that these women are WICKED. Truly corrupt. Yet they win every time. Court battles, custody, alimony, child support. They are never out of money and enjoy life to the fullest. Promiscuous and morally corrupt. They have had and continue to have great men in their life. Even if none of these relationships last, none of the men are ever released. I’ve stopped my friendships with them countless times. I’ve cut off communication for a year or so. Yet somehow, they always win me back.
How? Why?
1 very important element: Charm.
They are so charismatic. Light up the room when they enter. Their power and seduction is felt by most. Powerful yet vulnerable at the same time. I suspect I am always lured back in because I’m secondary source and experience a very long golden period. (Yes Mr. Tudor, props to you. I’m listening and learning).
Even though they feel nothing, they are superb at emulating compassion. It is a sight to behold. Like moths to a flame.
They are the epitome of a femme fatale.
Hey Love, yes, you are right. It makes fun to be with them. And if you want, stay with them for the golden period. They are a big fun factory. The only thing you must learn is not to trust them or ask for a favour, no, I have to correct that. Never ask them for help when you need it. You will be disappointed again. Let them their illusion that you are easily to exploit. Deal with their great EGO. The irony is that they get, what they themselves provoked. No real friends. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, they are the epitome of a femme fatale. Stay away, when they need your help. And they do! An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. That`s all you must keep in mind. Quid pro quo. It is sad that people like them exist.
Today, I have to write a lot. I had contact to a female narc. I broke the connection too early. because it was so interesting how she dated men. Each week another man. She – of course – had a constant lover at home, waiting for her. She dominated the restaurant, let them pay, asked for presents, sent the presents back to them with the words, that she would like another one and so on….If they did, she met them once more. For each man another telephone number. Silent treatment…., Using them from the first minute, provoked envy and jealousy….. I am so sad that I did not observe her a little bit more… . . I could have learnt a lot more about narcs. She wanted me as a “friend”. To persuade me she even wore the same clothes like me after the second meeting. At the third meeting I discovered the first lies and I let her go…after meeting her about ten times.. I was stupid. I should have learnt more about her from a safe position. She did not know that I knew her. So she talked a lot and let me see a lot…..
Mathilda, test him, as much as you can. We are worth it. They must show by behaviour, that they deserve us. Words are easily spoken. Test him like he tests us. Say no, no, no….. If he invites you to a restaurant, suggest another one. And persist on your suggestion. Then he is in a unknown environment. He feels insecure, you will notice that. Observe him in that situation and do not think, it is cute….It is only a sign, that something is not alright. Look at his exaggerations. He will show in an insecure environment. There are so many signs….. Make a list of the signs, HG mentioned them in different articles and you are prepared. Look to other sights, look for example to George K. Simon, he knows a lot about manipulation behaviour and he explains it very well. Do not be afraid, dominate your dates with men. If people like HG smell a little bit dominating behavior, they look for another person. Do not forget they look for victims. They are not interested in people with a real self-esteem. They fear it. Their excuse is always they do not like the person. The truth is they fear them. You know, they always win and that is impossible with strong characters.
I see where you’re coming from, Mona… wanting to observe them in their natural habitats, wanting to play and beat them at their games… but just reflect for a moment how it makes you feel… you are seething with rage, I can sense… we are not built to gain anything from trying to beat them… having contact with them means poisoning our souls… we can only beat them by NOT playing their games.
If I want to escape the fate of ending up like a crazy cat woman 🙂 , I will have to change my ways… yet the thought of going through anything similar or worse with another narc keeps me hyper-vigilant… every word is analysed and questioned, every movement, every glance, every smile, every interaction with someone else… always in search of a red flag… if there are none, does it mean he is ‘safe’? Or might he be a very sophisticated model of the narc species? The liquid Terminator comes to mind…
Yes, being boring helps 😀 … encouraging them to speak does, too… no home improvement projects… no game playing, but lots of mindful observing… and listening to your gut instinct!
How about telling him: ‘I have a bit of an issue with trusting others. Would you be so kind as to put this electrode head cap on and slip into the finger sensors before we order the first course?’ 😀 Surely, if you asked him nicely, and with a smile, he would not mind being connected to a lie detector! 😀 😀
Hey Matilda (Feb.,4; 8.13 PM), your last suggestion would not help, because they believe what they say. There will be no suspicious reaction to the lie detector. For a suspicious reaction there must be a normal conscience. They have a perverted conscience. (HG agreed on a former post !) Lies are normal.Therefore no reaction. Nevertheless -great fun!
We have to be careful and trust someone only after a long, long time. And we must build boundaries around us. That is all we can do. My gut instinct is a little bit damaged because of my mother, I have to use my brain to identify them.
“… they believe what they say. There will be no suspicious reaction to the lie detector.”
Ha! I considered that, Mona! That’s why the brain needed to be monitored, similar to an MRI, in real time. There is a difference in blood flow when someone is lying as they need to retrieve the truth and twist it. It might even work in cases where the liar believes he is being truthful, the subconscious mind would know the difference. In any case, it’s an amusing thought 🙂
Let him hoover your flat.
Mathilda, we cannot prevent it, if there is a strong psychopathic trait. They mimic all. All you can do is to cut connection at once, if you recognize a break of a boundary. Make yourself as boring as possible, so that he looses interest. Then you can get away with disappointment and frustration, that you met another one. Nevertheless most of them warn you in the beginning, they tell you, what they are. We just cannot believe it or were educated not to believe such stories.No compassion, no pity. Let them tell a lot about themselves. Just listen and smile. They love to talk about themselves and they talk about their dark side. Tell him how wonderful, special, outstanding he is and tell him then, what a boring person you are. Don`t tell him much about you. Show him, how boring you are. Or another suggestion: Let him work for you. Let him renovate your flat, let him do the dishes, let him hover your flat, let him do all that stuff and he will run away after a short period… If he is not a narcissist, he will ask you, why do you exploit me? A narcissist will never ask that question! He will go away as soon as possible without talking to you. If you get the silent treatment, you know with whom you deal. It is ok then, your flat is (nearly) renovated. If their investment and it is a calculated investment is to much for them, they leave you with a brush in their hand and never come back.
“You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no”
Exactly.
It took me quite a while to understand that the seduction, which seems so pleasurable, is actually a form of violence. The violence behind the smile, the engulfment, the rushed commitment… a violation of boundaries, and testament to the fact that he does not respect you at all!
Once we realise this, and can see through Lessers’ and Mid-Rangers’ machinations, we are still not safe from harm. The irony is that we might end up with a much bigger problem: a Greater, who imitates normal behaviour with such finesse that we do not recognise the deception.
How do we prevent that from happening?
No you didn’t! That you stole my “no” – “alternate fact”! (a little political joke there) Thanks for helping me get it back!
Excellent article.
No. No. No. Proud, I do not beg or fuss but I do pay attention to my devaluation. “Give but don’t expect much in return. I will let you know when you are worthy”. This is what I know. How I was raised.
So the glamourous ties are loosened. Yes, she is charming and well modulated in her behavior. Dependable. Pretty and hard working. Not so easily upset. Oh well, dangle threats of abandonment. She will stay. And one day the ties are so loose and she slips away. It was your choice and I already mourned your passing.
“No is a complete sentence.”
And we have to keep reminding ourselves of that.
It is true
NO!!!
I’ve finally learned it’s time to say no when I begin to feel tired. When I can feel the energy drain begin.
It’s all very sad. He wants his fuel. I want to connection. It’s a toxic chemistry. An unstable bond. And each time we cross that certain (invisible) boundary, damage happens.
The ex would exhaust me…. Literally his favorite turn of phrase immediately following his “No”:
Shit eating grin etched on his face, he always said,
“I’m not trying to boss you around, I’m just trying to tell you what to do.”
Maybe it was witty the first time… oh, but not to him. After 5 years, he’d still deliver that line as if he literally just thought of it for the first time. Mind boggling…