Flush Him Out
You never see us coming. You do not know what we are when we ensnare you. You have no idea what is actually happening when we push and pull you through the bewildering experience that is devaluation. You make no sense of what has happened when you have been discarded in the dust, hurt and dazed. When we return, riding back into your lives like the triumphant king we regard ourselves as, you still do not know us for what we are. How many times have you rued the fact that if only you had known earlier? How often have you remarked at how obvious it now seems with hindsight, when the eventual moment of revelation arrives, long-delayed and overdue as it often is. How frequently have you bemoaned to friends and family that if only you have seen the signs you might have done something to avoid what had entangled with you. Wishful thinking indeed and such thoughts go on to pollute your future engagements with those prospective intimate partners. At some future point you may eventually dip a toe in the pool of intimacy again in the hope of finding someone who is as far-removed from us as possible, but what if one of our kind comes a calling? You know you identified the tell-tale indicators with the one of our kind who ensnared you, but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution? Would the old adage of lightning never strikes twice play through your mind even though it strikes several times when it comes to our kind? At the outset of your engagement with that interesting and exciting person, there are of course the many Red Flags which exist and about which I have written in greater detail. You ought to acquaint yourself with them, since not all of our kind will always exhibit certain indicators. Neither does it do any harm to avail yourself of additional ones should you find yourself becoming the attention of the Greater of our kind, if hitherto you had been involved with a Lesser of Mid-Range. Utilise these five early door tactics to expose whether you are at risk of being ensnared.
- Create jealousy
Make reference to an actor or celebrity and comment about how he or she is talented and handsome. Consider admitting you have a crush on this person and if they walked in now you would be smitten and so forth. Observe the reaction.
A Lesser will struggle even during the seduction to contain the effect of his criticism and will lash out with a comment such as,
“Him? He is a homosexual, yes, well known in the industry, of course his fan base cannot know.”
“Him? Had a lot of work done you know.”
“Him? Really? He is nothing to look at. You’ve got off taste if you like him.”
A Mid-Range will fall silent and then move the topic on to something else. He has the situation just about under control but remains wounded, hence the withdrawal through a brief silence and then going to a different topic.
The Greater. Watch for the very brief flicker of fury in the eyes. A narrowing of the gaze or slight sneer before the control is exerted. The Greater will smile (but there will no warmth) or there will be a hollow laugh before he will say,
“Not a patch on me though eh?”
“I could have been an actor you know.”
A normal person would respond with: –
“Yes, he is a handsome chap, I agree.”
“Do you think so? I’m not so sure, but I can understand why you might say that.”
- Place Your Attention Elsewhere
Either fiddle with your ‘phone repeatedly or keep smiling at the waiter and chatting to him when he serves you. It need not be excessive as even a fairly minimum distraction in this way will irk our kind. Whatever situation you are in, find a way to put your attention on someone or something else.
The Lesser will put down the third party at the earliest opportunity by suggesting service was slow, the seats are unsatisfactory or will grab the phone from you and put it to one side. He will not be able to contain the ignition of his fury at such an early juncture.
The Mid-Range will try to compete by talking to a different waitress or by using his own ‘phone, doing his best to conceal the wound you have created by effectively ignoring him.
The Greater will start talking loudly about himself so you are forced to return attention to him. Boasts and outlandish comments will be made along with denigrating the offending person/item.
“It must be hell waiting on for a living, I am delighted I am able to have so much control over my work.”
“You know those ‘phones have been setting on fire. Yes, a manufacturing error. Clearly an inferior make. Now, take my ‘phone for instance.”
The normal person would politely ask you to stop using your ‘phone as much or would not smile pleasantly at your interaction with other people as noting it as just being friendly.
- Get the Details
We will make various boasts about what we do, who we know and what we like and the latter will be frequent as we endeavour to mirror you. In such a situation where we have ascertained what you like through our prior targeting of you, do not, as so many people do, accept it at face value as being true and accurate but instead politely press for some more details. If we explain that we engage in fencing because you do, mention some of the relevant equipment and terminology to draw us into providing more detail.
The Lesser will fudge it, lacking the preparatory depth to know anything much beyond what you like. He will backtrack saying it was some time since he had done it or such like. He will become agitated as his fury starts to ignite because your challenge, notwithstanding its politeness, will amount to a criticism.
The Mid-Range will change subject and ask you to talk more about it. Reject this and invite his comment. He will withdraw as he keeps control and moves on to a different topic or makes an excuse to go to the toilet or to point out something else happening.
The Greater will be harder to trap in this respect because he or she will have undertaken a greater depth of preparatory work and also their higher function enables them to think on their feet more readily, but a continued gentle cross-examination will expose some deficiency eventually. Once this nears the Greater will apply greater charm towards you in order to deflect you from probing too deeply. Expect a string of compliments, a flourishing gesture (“how about some champagne?”) or praising your evident knowledge of the subject before moving on to something else.
The normal will talk easily and extensively about this interest without bragging or evasiveness because it is true.
- Ask about the Ex
It may appear a little forward but this is a useful indicator to determine who you are with.
The Lesser will be unpleasant about her because the memory of this treacherous person annoys him and therefore you will be subjected to a volley of explanations about how terrible she is.
The Mid-Range will be dismissive about the request. He knows that if pressed he will not be able to help himself and pour out how horrible she has been to him, how crazy she is and how he is trying to put himself back together again after a horrendous experience. He knows enough that this is not the ideal topic of conversation at this juncture but so long as he can maintain control, he need not spill the beans. He will comment that there is not much to say and change the focus. Bring him back to the focus and observe what happens.
The Greater will be complimentary since he or she knows that to portray the ex in such a light at this early stage of the seduction is a sensible move. This will of course change in due course once there is triangulation and you are embedded, but prior to this he wants you to recognise he is a “good” person and that it didn’t work out and will provide some woolly and amorphous reason why that is. The Greater will not be able to help himself comment that she couldn’t cope with his brilliance in some way and then use it to compliment you.
“We got on but she ultimately wasn’t as clever as me, not like you, you and I are exactly on the same intellectual wavelength, it is marvellous.”
“She wasn’t a bad person but she struggled with how hard I work. I know you are not like that because I can tell you are diligent and admire hard work.”
The normal will provide a brief and honest explanation, often admitting to failings on his part as well or explaining that he and her remain on friendly terms. There will be little bitterness or rancour even if the relationship was difficult, this person will have moved on.
- Ask About Our Childhood
We often do not like to discuss it or certainly certain elements of it. Much of it will be patchy and disjointed to us. References to other family members will be limited unless pushed and they will not be spoken about in warm or fond terms
The Lesser will make sweeping comments about how it wasn’t happy but fail to provide any detail or say it was nothing special. He will not divulge any memories of it as he struggles to do so.
The Mid-Range will be dismissive and want to talk about your childhood instead. Anything he does say will be anodyne in nature as he prefers not to revisit it.
The Greater will talk about his childhood but it will all be boasts about what he achieved, how many friends he had, how good he was football, the fact he was top of the class and so forth.
The normal will recount a handful of anecdotes, speak well of his family, link the fact that his childhood means he sees a lot of his family now or if he does not, because of death or distance, the fact he misses them.
29 thoughts on “Flush Him Out”
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If I retain nothing else pertaining to Narcissists, I need this article so that I can start determining if the men I meet from now on are Narcissists/Sociopaths, or not. I will use this article as a way to sort them out.
HG, would you get even greater fuel by conning someone who just figured out what narcissism was and who is desperately trying to figure out who is and who isn’t a narc? Or would you try to steer clear of someone like that who has their spidey senses up so as not to be unmasked by them?
HG, would you get even greater fuel by conning someone who just figured out what narcissism was and who is desperately trying to figure out who is and who isn’t a narc? Or would you try to steer clear of someone like that who has their spidey senses up so as not to be unmasked by them?
The fuel potency would be dictated by their proximity to me (primary, secondary, tertiary) and the method of delivery. The quantity of the fuel may be affected by their new found knowledge however. I would regard them as as a useful challenge and would only avoid if my fuel levels were very low and I was concerned they may not supply any to me, based on their knowledge.
The fuel would not be contingent on this knowledge but rather the potential for the provision of fuel is more likely to be reduced because of this knowledge and therefore they may be regarded as a less viable target owing to the greater energy expenditure required in extracting the fuel.
Too funny! I did No. 1 without realising! Before I knew what exN or myself were, I text him that I was in bed with Daniel Craig. (watching James Bond of course) His response was one of ‘playful’ criticism to his stature. I admit I was a little puzzled by his jealous response but then there was a quick change to adoration of Craig & of the character. He must have been laughing at home at the irony & my naivety! (even attracted to N’s on tv!) After discard, I then posted a triad photo of said character to let him know I knew what he was to which he cryptically responded it was THE BEST photo. Damn it’s good to have a laugh sometimes at the craziness of it all…
& with all this knowledge, next time, there will be no next time…
A good example there JR.
The one narc/ sociopath I dated before I was clued in to any of this tried to tell me on our first date that he had a background in special ops work/ training (despite the fact that he was currently selling commercial real estate). I innocently asked him to tell me how to kill someone. I really was curious. Omigod was it fun( only in retrospect) watching him piece together that pile of bullshit.
Re Family – I don’t believe all narcs are created in the same way. Wouldn’t you agree that there are narcs who would wax lyrical about their families; put their parents on a pedestal; are absolutely defensive of them? Perhaps they are in denial about something and a negative reflection of their parents actually wounds them? That perhaps they haven’t developed an independent consciousness?
Also, some narcs are created by permissive parenting, spoiling them, not setting boundaries. Even – believe it or not – calling them special. If your parents believe you’re special, you can’t be human and make mistakes, you can’t fail or be normal and let them down in their view of you. You have to be magnificent. So, you don’t push yourself, because you can’t possibly fail, failure is not acceptable. Failure means you’re normal. But you behave as if you’re magnificent, you’re entitled to the best in everything. Anything that suggests you’re not magnificent is shot down in flames.
I don’t think it’s the case at all that all narcs had some terrible treatment from their parents.
Apologies for the digression from flushing the narc out.
Do you think any of this would work online before you have met them? Obviously there is no body language or eye contact.
Yes although as you point out there will be certain visual gauges missing but you could still glean information from the responses provided.
Spot on as always
HG:
WOW! Belle of the Ball!
In sweeps the most helpful article of them ALL (so far, pretty sure…). This one puts all of the pieces together: hindsight is now 20/40. But this time in an amazingly empowering “PF” way. 😉
I did ALL of these things, HG. You made me recount in great detail, things I had totally forgotten, and allowed me to put their relevant aspects into perspective.
Results:
1.) A clearer understanding and even deeper insight into the person we were entangled with. Questions I didn’t know I even had are answered here, allowing for better drill-down of “wtf even happened?” Spinning questions. The empowerment I felt from reading this is personally, my key to moving forward in understanding WTF indeed.
2). A chance to stop swimming aimlessly… stop drowning in so much of our own raw emotion. Instead, effectively sort through it all; label it, compartmentalize it. Stop the madness. Seize order chaos. Better interpret past & even present so that we can best prepare for the future.
3.) This will not doubt prove very useful in moments of doubt or weakness. No more romanticizing memories. This is accuracy that prevents such delusions.
4.) ENERGY. I’ve been parilyzed for weeks…
HG, thank you so much for the enhanced vision into past, present & future this article provides. I think, it’s articles like these where you shine brightest. They are so full of incredible specific details, it really proves just how truly unrivalled you are as a database for decoding, healing from, avoiding entanglements, understanding, surviving and … Knowing the Narcissist.
You are welcome Ashley.
I have tried so hard to figure out which narc this one is, and I can’t do it! The strange thing is, he is either the lesser or the greater. Ugh!!!!
I toyed with my narc and he didn’t know it was me. I played it all anonymously by targeting him online using his tactics. Random reinforcement, mystery, intrigue, baiting. I baited him with this story that someone was discussing him online. His drama antenna immediately swiveled to the bait. But at one point he said, “what kind of cat and mouse game is this?” I asked, are you the cat or the mouse? He said, never the mouse. I asked. So you admit you are a predator. He said more or less yes but that even predators know when to retreat and he wasn’t going to play anymore. He tried to disappear. But I lured him back into it a week later. Eventually, I got bored. Told him who I was and why I did it. But I got him to admit what he is. Amazing what he willingly told a ‘stranger’ he knows he is a predator. I told him that he taught me how to play that cat and mouse game, and how pathetic it was.
Do you think he will forgive me HG? LOL… not. You would never have fallen for it!
He pretended to once, but only to ‘punish’ me later. I have now dropped the rope.
Won’t a narcissist get annoyed if we play such games with them or does our pathetic attempt amuse them?
Depends on the type of narcissist.
” but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution?”
Precisely what happened to me.
Satan or Lucifer or whatever he is called.. came in my presence… ( or should i rather say that God gave him permission to have an encounter with me ) was made clear enough to me what was his plan for my downfall.. .. 3 distinct intimidating warnings.. the 4th he showed me his display of pleasure for my deafeat.
Scary, but not enough to make me run away when my Narc to be of 10 years showed up on the scene…the test came with the crying warnings.. but i dismissed it…and many times.
I ‘ ve always had that eerie feeling that that was the plot of the Malign One.
i am inexcusable really.
Hi Tudor
Thanks for all your posts they have been really helpfull these days, I wonder if a person can be a mix of the 3 kinds of N that you describe, an also I’d like to know what happens when we expose you with your family and other suplies after you discard us, does that prevent future hoovering?
Thank you Kei. You might see some traits from each school, but there will be a prevailing adherence to one particular school. With regard to exposure – see the two articles entitled Exposure : Devaluation and Exposure : Escape
Thank you! I just read them, I think my N is the Lesser and I have expose him with everyone and with a lot of evidence, he si very violent, am I still at risk or will he accept that he lost and never try to reach me again? He actually once told me that some day I will ended up with a knife on my lungs, Im full no contact since a month or so
Great Advice! Thank You HG!
You are welcome.