Dirty Little Secret


Sometimes it is not all Relationship Bulletins, declarations to the world about you and me or announcements across the fabric of social media about our perfect love. Sometimes you are the dirty little secret.

This is never the title afforded to the primary source that we have chosen. It is those who are  secondary sources who find themselves labelled in this way.

Do you have a friend who makes demands of your time, often calls you and ensures that you give up your time so he or she is able to tell you all about what they have been doing, obtain your advice and uses you as a sounding board? Does this person tell you all about the brilliant weekend or she has just had with a group of other friends at some weekend away or at a concert but somehow no invitation came your way? Do you perhaps politely and subtly ask whether you can attend some forthcoming event which this friend is enthusiastically telling you about, maybe even gloating about how brilliant it will be, but this friend shows all of the perception of a plank of wood and never picks up on your hints? Even if they do or perhaps if you are more forceful as you ask whether you can attend or you point out how you never get invited along, are you met with comments such as:-

“Yes, I know you would have loved to have come but I didn’t organise it, John did and it is his fault he didn’t ask you.”

“I didn’t think it was your kind of thing.”

“There was only a few places available but I will make sure you can come to the next one.”(Of course this never transpires)

“I thought you hated rock music. I am sure you told me that you did.”

“I have been so busy I must have forgotten to ask you.”

“I did ask you and you said no.Dont you remember?”

(Of course this is a lie.)

These people are our inner circle. The select few who are our guardians of our reputations, loyal lieutenants and brainwashed and indoctrinated to fawn over us, carry out our demands and provide us with fuel and you are not in the inner circle.

In fact, the inner circle does not ever know about you. When we spend time with you, we string you along with future-faking, we allow you to bask in our greatness and at first it feels good to have such an interesting, charismatic and seemingly attentive friend. You may attract the label of friend and you sit in the outer circle but you are a dirty secret secondary source. We do not want our inner circle to know about you because whilst you serve an excellent purpose in providing us with fuel, your enthusiasm when we tell you with a moment’s notice that we are coming to visit is just the tip of the fuel berg. We know you are loyal, dependable and faithful. We know you will provide us with the fuel that we need and you above everybody else will be the go to person when fuel stocks are running low. Whether it is 3am call or an appearance on a wet and windy Monday evening in winter, you always welcome us in, always take the call and you always oblige. We do make you feel special, trotting out the easy to mouth platitudes about how much we like being with you, how we enjoy your company, how it is good to know that we can depend on you but this is just to keep you sweet and functioning. The reality is we do not want other people knowing about you because you do not fit with our idea of how our life looks. You might not be as good looking as we would prefer, you might not shine in a group, or you are apt to saying unusual things which we feel would make us look less impressive in front of our all important facade. No, you are kept in the background, used but rarely abused because you are the long-serving indentured servant of the narcissist. The loyal hound that sits in the corner of the kitchen, always ready to wag your tail for us but too old and unappealing to be paraded at the show. This is the role of a dirty secret secondary source.

There is also the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner  Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”). You were seduced and made into a secondary source and within the blind of an eye you were bedded and the platitudes of love and dedication came pouring forth in order to secure your loyalty. There are those who are earmarked for promotion to primary source, they are destined for better things so long as they come up to proof with regard to the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Those who are on the fast-track to being installed as the primary source can expect to meet our children, meet our families and our friends, be paraded and attend certain events with us, all at the humiliating cost to the currently devalued primary source who is on their way out, all being well with the seduction of this Intimate Partner Secondary Source. The future is rosy for this person.

The DSIPSS , at the outset, is never considered for promotion. Words may be whispered to that effect but they are just false promises, more future faking and the crumbs of comfort which are scattered to stop you foraging elsewhere. When we allocate you the role of dirty secret next to nobody knows about you.

Whereas the IPSS who is in waiting for the top role may find themselves being picked up and put down, with intervals of silence in between the weekend hook-ups, as we test that person to gauge their suitability for promotion, it is a different story for the dirty secret.

The dirty secret actually may well see quite a lot of us. in the backs of cars, in seedy motel rooms, in the back of the warehouse, the disabled toilet, the alley behind the house and such like. You are never to be seen by our family, our friends or even our colleagues. You remain hidden because your presence will offend our facade. We are the dedicated family man and thus we cannot be seen hanging out the back of you down some leafy lane at dusk. We are the champion of morals in our local community and it would not be the done thing for us to be know to be engaging in the debauchery that we insist on when we are with you. The primary source may well be devalued but we do not want them to be sullied by the knowledge of the filthy whore that have twice a week. You are a pit stop for a delicious injection of fuel. That snatched two drinks in an out of town bar where you had to sit and wait for two hours before we showed up? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to call or message us before we have contacted you first? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to meet our friends? You are a dirty secret. We wish to portray an image and you do not fit with that image but you are a potent bundle of fuel, dedicated and desperate, always hanging on for that stolen hour in bed together, the occasional afternoon when we pretend to work to have a meeting in the next state or county. You live for those moments because in that instant we make you feel wonderful, we focus on you, we give you the best sex, the excitement and the promises, oh the promises of what could be yours.

The future faking with an IPSS is born out of being torn between not wanting to lose a good source of fuel and the potential this IPSS has to perhaps become a primary source at some juncture. We do not want to lose that, thus we keep the IPSS hanging on as I described in the article ‘What Am I To Him?’ It is a different set-up for the DSIPSS. You were not initially selected for potential promotion. You were selected because you are a dependable, reliable turbo-boost of fuel and when we demand it, you always provide it. Why would we ever let that go? We would not.

Like the friend who is the dirty little secret above, you are the same but with you comes the intimacy. you are the recipient of our oft-spewed sugary charms and in receipt of our desire to use you for sex and the provision of fuel. We rarely take you anywhere, for fear of detection and our engagements are covert, hurried and secretive, yet this adds to our charm, our mystery and you find it as addictive as we do. It is only when we are going and you wonder what we are doing and who with, that you are left to rue the emptiness and the loneliness. You want to provide us with what you think we need, to allow your goodness to shine for us, but we will never let you do so, not outside of those hotel walls where we meet every Thursday evening.

Unfortunately for you, you do not fit in with the image we wish to convey to the world. You do not fit with what we wish to show. If we ever saw you, by chance, when we are out with our facade, be that family, friends or colleagues, we would ignore you and pretend we did not know you. Of course, later that day we would lay on the charm to excuse our behaviour because we do not want to let you go either. You are a brilliant stick on emergency fuel patch. You provide fuel and you remain hanging on, waiting for the day that you hopefully emerge blinking into the light of the golden period for the primary source.

That is never going to happen directly and at the outset of your allocation to this role.  Not that we will admit it to you.

Stay in that dark corner and wait for our call.

You are a dirty little secret.



  1. Dear Hg,well I had that friend who is narcissist,my best friend,and when i found out who he is I thought that I am a secundary source,but when i red this article i could be also Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”).We never ever had something bigger then hug,because he is married,and I dont see him as a man,just like brother.So must DSIPSS always be intimate vith N? I met his friends,his wife,he always spoke to them about me ,how great I am,But we never did something together ,only if this was connected with work (we are both lawyers)and we never drank coffe alone somewhere far from our workplace.I have know him for 4 years.When I look back,i can remember him looking at my seductive,my shoulder,my knees ,but I always tought he is just a man.Does this make a sense and who am I on the end for him,what is you opinion,because i have now hoover to deal with:-DDD

    1. A Dirty Secret involves intimacy yes. To answer accurately what you were to him, the appropriate way of doing so is through a consultation as I will need more information from you and need to dedicate additional time to analysing that information and replying.

  2. Ank,

    I don’t think the silent treatment is out of fear of rejection, I think it is simply his form of control, to punish you, and knowing it will make you crazy to contact him.

    Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I went through this turmoil for so long and tried to break free, but always gave in to temptation because I wanted him to remember how beautiful our relationship was. I would text and be light and breezy…or I would text to check in to see he was safe. Its all a game to them.

    I hope you can continue to resist reaching out to him. I understand the sleepless nights, the lack of appetite. its all horribly destructive to us. but staying with him causes you to lose more of your life to someone who will never give you what you deserve.


    1. ANK, can relate with the complete lack of interest and I’m actually afraid of just sitting down and watching telly, can’t even go to cinema or go to bed because I know that imminent crippling pain, that gaping hole in my heart feeling.. Just kills me each time I relax. So I keep myself busy until I literally collapse each day. Thankfully I’m naturally so busy with work, home and have such a great social life anyway it’s not a problem.

      However, downside is… people used to say I look 27-29 but all are now guessing 10 years more than that. I’ve aged 10 years in just a few short months because of this latest narcpath!! Friends have all asked me to go dating, meet new people and I’ve had a few ask me out, but I have no interest in any of them. I just want my narcpath. I suspect it would take another narcpath to attract my attention now, which is a scary thought. Will probably age another 20 years if I fall for another.

      With birthday, did he not scar you with birthdays? I didn’t contact my narc on his birthday and seeing as I’m the most pathetic person when it comes to no contact, and I managed to refrain from contact on his birthday, that should mean there’s hope for everyone else, ha ha! Loads of distraction that day what ng27 does and send birthday wishes to nowhere.

      Ng27, really love that idea of yours and will be trying it out! 😃

      1. Bliss
        I completely relate to the aging. Although all these months later I think I look more like myself again

        Tried dating. Couldn’t do it. I feel bad for the men I went out with, as it was a waste of their time.

        I want to hate him so badly, cannot get to that point.

        1. Yep, feel; like I’ve aged a lot in the last months. More wrinkles and grey hair, and hair falling out. Might be bald soon!

          I go through phases of hating and wanting. And a little bit of love still. The hate usually appears during the silent periods when I know he is in contact with the new IPPS all the time. Hopefully soon there will be no feeling at all for him.

          I joined match shortly after finding out about the new IPPS, as kind of two finger salute and to make myself feel good about. The quality of men on there…. least said.

          To scared to get involved with anyone for fear of getting hurt, and not being able to trust.

          I can;t have casual relationships and not care, so I guess I@m going to be single. I keep telling myself I’m better off single.

      2. Bliss, I read your post again, as I cannot sleep at all. You are definitely not pathetic, and I am so happy you were able to refrain from reaching out on his birthday. That, of course, is such an IMPORTANT day to them! I was so proud of myself when I did nothing on the day mine was born either! Every other year I made such a fuss, and yet when it came to my birthday he barely remembered.

        Do something for yourself today, something really special. You are no less important than he is, and he is stealing your life right now by occupying your thoughts! Don’t worry about dating like your friends want you to, I get that advice too because they see how great we are and they want us to be happy with a partner. But until we are healed, dating does not feel right.

      3. Mary, that’s exactly what puts me down. I have days or weeks when I think I’ve gotten over it, then it’s back with a vengeance. It’s as you say, the addiction. It goes but it keeps coming back. The passionate sex and constant stream of sexting and positive attention he gave me, how I (initially) turned to him for help on everything and anything.

        Ng27, hah, if nothing else we managed to have a little victory of our own on their birthdays! Hope you managed to get some sleep. I know it all too well! One day we will wake up and feel something’s amiss, having gone through days previous wondering what’s missing, and realising that the missing element is the lack of obsession over our ex narcs. That will be the day we’re free. Wonder if that day will ever come?

      4. Bliss,

        He didn’t scar me with birthdays. Neither mine nor his.

        He never really showed me his nasty side, until he decided to divorce his wife. Then he was coming out with things like it would be better if she didn’t recover from her cancer, that she wasn’t intelligent, she was a crazy bitch. WhenIi found out about the new source, then a bit of gaslighting started to appear.

        I think he is very cunning, wanting to maintain his pillar of the community, knight in shining armour, that he is there fore you, and cares, facade.

        I have got off lightly compared to some on here. I admire those that have truly suffered so much and have had the strength to get away.

        Like you I am fearful that I will attract narcs. You see I never chase after a men, i prefer them to chase me, and i think I was a challenge for him. It took a year to get me into bed. With his new IPPS it only took 6 months.

        Good that you are keeping busy. That helps enormously to keep the mind off the narc, which in turns prevents the pain surfacing .

        You say you want your narcopath – as someone else has said in another post – the heart wants what the heart wants. I know that only too well too.

    2. ANK and Narc Affair:

      What you both were saying about having bouts of strength and enjoying life at moments…. when I first went No Contact (and even sometimes during silent treatments), I had these also. Like you, Narc Affair, when he would write, I would be torn between relief and excitement to be in touch with him again versus disappointment that I was giving up any progress I felt had been made.

      ANK: You said “The pain upon waking up is the worst. It’s hard to describe the sensation – a kind of emptiness with gnawing” … THIS!!!! I cannot tell you how many mornings I woke feeling like I was being kicked in the gut, either because he wasn’t pursuing me, or because I was trying to stay away and felt bad, like what if I was all wrong, and I was giving up this friend/lover person who never meant any harm. It’s a terrible, awful, sick feeling, and it is emptiness. We don’t have the illusion anymore, and it’s excruciating when we realize that’s all it was. I’m sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling oh so well. One thing I can say is, after 3 months no-contact, I do not wake up with that gnawing ache for him anymore. It took a long damn time, and HG’s posts and the comments here have been so valuable. I still obsess, my brain is still fixated on him and learning and understanding, but the physically sick part has passed. And when we were talking, it went away at times too, but it would always come back even worse the next time. That’s the thing to remember, the pain will always come back around, as long as he’s in your life.

      1. Ank
        Nights are the worst for me. Lying here thinking about all the wonderful and trying to figure out why the change in his behavior and why he would want to give that up.
        Can’t shake the blank cold stare when I saw him days ago.

        1. likewise, nights, upon waking, during weekends when I am not out and about. I try to get busy doing stuff around my home.

          1. Hi NG27,

            How nice of you to think of me. When I saw your comment while on the bus to work, I started to cry. I had to stop myself before people started to look at me oddly.

            I am going through a tough period and that’s why I started to cry. I thought I was doing ok. I haven’t been full no contact and while I was away over the summer looking after my mother that was a bit of a distraction. Hating the lack of communication from him made me text him. I texted him at the end of August and he responded with a thank you. I didn’t text again and resolved not. I was not expecting to hear from him, but a couple of weeks later he sent a happy birthday text. Said he was at home waiting for engineer to sort satellite tv otherwise he would come round (I was off work). A few more texts asking what I was wearing and to send pic of myself, the photo of me showing a bit of cleavage had made him hard. Then at midday a text asking if I was going to be at home at 2 to make him a cup of tea. I wanted to say no but also yes and in the end yes won. He sad he missed me. He was going spend the next hour kissing me, he wasn’t there just to fuck me… etc. Needless to say we ended up having sex.

            Of course I knew he just there to fuck me. And I though to my self, ok I’ll take this form you. Use you like you’ve used me.

            I asked him why did he miss me when he had the other women. He said he was only seeing her once a week and anyway she was divorced now. I said oh well that’s good she can move in with you now and he said ‘no she’s got kids’. He stayed around a bit after we had sex and then left. I got a text later in the week and then the last exchange was on 18 September. Nothing since then. And I have resisted texting him, because he is responding only to appear polite.

            On Monday going home from work I saw his new woman walking towards me. I really wanted to stop her and say something to her about him.

            I have heard that he has been chatting a lot to another woman in the work place who is not happy in her marriage.

            I have been feeling so down, not hearing from him and every morning that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach is there. I don’t want to get out of bed.

            I know it’s for the best not hearing from him, but it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t think I will hear from him at all now.

            How are you getting on?

      2. Mary, so there’s hope?! That kick in the gut, empty feeling does go away eventually? Been waking up with that almost everyday now and it seems to be getting worse!

        Ng27 and ANk, I just can’t believe how much similarities there are with our experiences and how we feel. i’ve yet to speak to a single person in real life that have gone through what we have.

        I’ve spoken to countless people who have either been fortunate not to have encountered one, or there are those who have when I’ve briefly described my encounter but they normally say that they heeded red flags and got out at the first sign of glib, OTT love bombing or any sort of inconsistencies.

        I can’t hate my narc too. Will love him for life now. On a more positive note, I’ve been seeing a non-narc ex more (in groups, not romantic! He’s happy with someone else now) who I was rather in love with, I don’t like thinking about it because he’s the one I would’ve have happily loved and loved the rest of my life with. Did not work out and he’s as said happily with someone else.. But I realise how positive and happy relationships can be now talking to him again. Whenever I speak to him, and remember the good times we had, I don’t remember these awful feelings and mind games that narcs subject is to. I just remember being positive, focused, in love. No it’s wasn’t mind blowing and passionate, but it was just so easy. I’m going to hold on to that thought for now.

      3. What I was trying to say is that a normal relationship shouldn’t drain and distract us as we are now, the obsession and addiction. The roller coaster ride we experience with narcs, the way they drain and suck the life from us.

        It was really draining with my mid range, but with the Greater even during the golden period I remember him sucking the life out of me, I was always drained and exhausted!

        I never experienced these with the non-narc. So you’d have thought that’s motivation enough for us to let go of our narcs. Wishful thinking? xx

      4. Bliss,

        YES. Absolutely. There is hope! I can’t speak for everyone and it’ll depend on how long the narc was in your life too, the extent of impact they made in your routines. For me though, it took several weeks to get to where I didn’t have that sick feeling in my gut all the time. I thought for sure that if being away hurts this much, maybe we are meant to be in each other’s life? That’s the chemical addiction talking.

        Also, Bliss, at times it felt WORSE. Like two months in, I was feeling like I had turned a corner. I tested myself by playing the songs that reminded me of him, and I felt nothing! Until the next day. After that, I had a week of just awful longing for him. Reading stuff HG posts can trigger that too, but it’s different. Its a reality check.

        For me, it got worse before it got better. He’s still not out of my head, but it’s because I’m still obsessed with understanding. The addiction is out of my body though. Time really is the key. You can do this. Just post here when you want to reach out to him.

        “It’s always darkest before the dawn…. and it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake it off.” (Florence and the Machine)

      5. Mary

        Thank you.

        Yes kick in the guts is another way to describe it. I can understand those thoughts thinking you might be wrong, but I think it is more because of the longing of the illusory golden period and therefore you wish to give him the benefit of the doubt, and also you are probably feeling that some contact is better than no contact, or having him on his terms is better than not at all.

        I think hoe I am feeling and then think about his wife. How much worse if all must be for her.

        Glad you were able to get past the pain. I am hoping my 3 week break spending time to help my mum recuperate from surgery will keep me busy and my thoughts off him.

    3. NG27,

      Oh yes I’m sure he is loving having attention from all his sources, whether they are IPPs, DLS or IPSS. Not to mention the power from being able to seduce, especially his current married IPPS.

      I feel that when I have texted in the past, he has just replied to appear to be nice, and to have the opportunity to hoover – keep the door open for sex. Well he can go fuck himself. I’m getting some anger out there.

  3. Superexena

    I wanted to reply to your comment, but had to start a new thread. Thank you for saying I have courage. Thank you for all of your kind words. I think the most difficult thing about getting through this time in my life is that none of my circle of friends or family understands the underlying addiction to the pain. Nor the intensity of the confusion they leave us with.
    When I told a friend I ran into him after five months of no contact and saw where he now works, her reaction was…well we are going there on a regular basis so he can see how great you are!!!

    Thanks, but no thanks. Seeing him sets me back. I have a physical reaction, I start to shake. If I could move to a new town far from here I would.

    1. Ng27,

      That’s how I have been affected to.Way back in February seeing him resulted in a panic attack. It’s

      The last two I bumped into I have ended up shaking.

      Unclear as to why that is happening, but obviously it is causing anxiety.

      Physically avoiding them is the best thing to do.

      1. Hello ANK!
        Excuse me if I interfere with you communication with NG27 but I think we are talking about the same thing. Psychology is not my field of expertise but I do recognise the symptoms of anxiety you are referring to : part of it is the addiction and part of it are symptoms of C-PTSD that arise as a result of continuing abuse. If you would like to know how this addiction is created by the narcissist and its effect on you I recommend strongly HG’s book Exorcism. There you will find as well how to fight and get rid from the addiction,,,step by step. That was one of the books that helped me the most!,

        1. I am absolutely going to get that book. The shaking reaction started back when we were still seeing each other. Some times I couldn’t stop even in his presence, as if my body could sense the lies as danger. One more thing he can use to say, see? She really is crazy!

          1. Hello ng27! Yes do it! You will find it fascinating and helpful. Those symptoms you are describing could be related to C-PTSD( good to consult a therapist specialized in this matter) and the addiction.
            See your entangelment with the narcissist as a “sickness”: once you know how you got infected and which disease you are fighting with then you can find the right medicine. That is exactly what the book is about. I kind of have this book printed on my forehead….

          2. Superxena, My book just arrived!
            Please tell me, how long has it been since you went no contact? I know our recoveries and healing all happen on our own time frames, I am just curious, as I need to cling to hope that I will get through this. Keep feeling like I take one step ahead, and then two steps back…

          3. Hello ng 27

            That is great! How far have you come with Exorcism? You will find it very helpful. The practical examples given on the book are very useful!!!
            I have been No Contact for 17 months. 6 years of “formal” relationship. What you are going through is part of the “normal” process…ups and downs..but you will make it.Just keep on reading,learning,participating and asking here. Don’t give up!!!!

          4. Superxena,
            I truly appreciate all of your support and comments. I look back at prior relationships and it seems as though I am drawn to this type of person. I need to figure out why. I know I am a “fixer”, and “empathy” a “nurturer”. I don’t want to give up on those qualities, and I don’t want to give up hope that I can let go of the thoughts of the golden period that haunt me. Logic simply does not prevail in these situations. The head and heart do not align.

          5. Hello ng27,
            Your welcome! When I read your comment I felt like you think you have done something wrong? It is not your fault and nothing is wrong with you. You should see your empathetic traits as an asset…you just have to know how to protect them and who you share your feelings with.
            I do not how many narcissists you have had in your life but I have learned something here ( and from my own experience looking at it now in retrospect) that might help you:
            YOU are not drawn to them,THEY are drawn to you due mainly to your empathetic traits ( among other things ) which unfortunately make you an easy prey.Once you are spotted by them ( they have like a radar for detecting people they want to seduce) they will try to draw you to them showing a “false” self and mirroring you. If you now know ( by learning) how to spot them: even though they try to draw you to them ( with a façade) you can keep them away.
            There are always going to be narcissists around you : professionally,family,”friends” , relationships. But now you have the knowledge to spot them and protect yourself..

            Yes, the Golden Period is hard to forget but can you try something like this?:for every single good memory of the golden period block it out with one abusive behaviour of him.Perhaps that helps, it did to me!

          6. SuperXena
            You’re right, a lot of times I do think I’m at fault. I have glimmers of time when I see reality that he is damaged. But, for the most part I feel like I am the one who allowed him into my life and then did something to push him away. Too many of my relationships ended that way to make me question myself as the problem.

            I guess that’s the effect of.emotional abuse. I just want to be able to get out of this spiral of confusion and self doubt. I’m so tired of being sad.

          7. Hello ng27,
            I wish I could help you more! Psychology is not my field of expertise but it seems that you have C-PTSD symptoms as a consequence of repeated and prolonged psychological abuse. You shouldn’t let this “sadness” go deeper. Have you considered attending therapy with a professional psychologist for helping you with these symptoms?

          8. Ha,ha ! You made me laugh ng27! Thank you for your kind wishes concerning “that devil”. And yes, it feels good 19 months of No Contact …
            Best wishes!

          9. Ng27… Forgot to comment..yes..they “make you feel crazy and then they want to show that you are crazy…that is what they want..to make you believe it and/or to present you as the crazy one as part of a smearing campaign preparing devaluation/dis-engagement…

          10. NG27,

            Yes for me too. We were still seeing each other and I was fine when he was with me, but after I hadn’t heard form him for a while and then bumped into him I would end up shaking like a leaf. So something to do with abandonment/rejection perhaps in my case? causing anxiety and a physical response.

            I have read that emotional pain activates the same pathways in the brain as physical pain.

          11. I have also read the same about the silent treatment. That was literally killing me. He was obsessed with communicating with me for 3 years and then stopped abruptly. I came to feel like a stalker because I would have a physical reaction when I wouldn’t hear from him.

            I think I may just have had a break through because reading what I just wrote made me laugh out loud…if you could SEE this loser! OMG! What the heck is wrong with me??? I cannot wait to get the copy of the book Superxena suggested…its on its way. :)

        2. SuperXena,

          Not at all, I don’t consider it interfering or interloping It’s always good to hear from others.

          I bought Exorcism a while ago along with other books of HG’s and have just started to read it. I think I am at a stage now where I recognise that I need to get all thoughts of him out of my head.

          As you say step by step. And with time.

          Thank you.

          1. Your welcome ANK. Great news that you bought Exorcism. You will find it very useful,specially the part that speaks about changing your mind set with different practical examples of how you can ” block ” the memories fighting back the feelings!!
            Good luck with the reading!!
            Best wishes

    2. Hello NG27
      Your welcome !
      You do have courage and if by writing and expressing how you feel here gives you even more strength..keep on doing it.
      It is amazing how this site has also turned to be an incredible and unique support network for those who have been submitted to abuse.
      And you are absolutely right: only those who have gone through this know how it feels. It is very important to get validation and understanding of what you have gone through. I understand as well that friends do not really understand you because they do not really know about it. That is why this site is the only forum( according to me) that gives you both the knowledge through education and a platform that serves as a support network. You will find that with time, both elements ( knowledge and support) are the key elements to help you through this!I
      if you haven’t read the book Exorcism..you should read it. There you can find (among many other useful things) why you feel like that and what to do to stop it!

      Avoid attending to places where he might be!!! Stay away from him!!!
      Best wishes!

    3. So it’s not just me who trembles/quivers in his presence! What are these things!? I think perhaps they’re just so predatory we can sense it. I bumped into him after my first escape ages ago and my friends commented that I was white as a ghost and couldn’t stop shaking. I don’t even remember any of that. I just remember his big predatory smile and embrace, he just chatted like nothing has changed. Later that week I went back to him.

      Ng27, so with that I agree you should avoid him at all cost. We will undoubtedly be drawn back. I’m not doing well at all myself and fight the urge to contact him on a hourly basis, but avoiding him in person is the one thing I know I should do and in fact I cancelled the last few arrangements we had some time ago and then again and again (that ignited his fury and hence the discard). Whether I manage to stay away for good or not is another matter. Been reading your posts and just wanted to say I really know how you feel.

      1. Hey Bliss,

        Sorry to hear that you’re not doing well. But good for you for cancelling to meet with him.

        I couldn’t help myself contacting him, especially knowing he was texting the new supply all the time.a few weeks ago, but now I have got past that urge and do not actively text. I also refused his suggestion to meet.

        I guess the more you stay away and as more time passes, the more you detach. Easier said than done, and some days you go right back down and the pain resurfaces.

        Stay strong.

      2. Bliss, I have to say that having written and gotten feedback on this site for the past few days…I have been feeling really good. It is helping to know that people like you have an empathetic ear simply because “you know”.
        He has not hoovered me at all since the day I walked away…but I had tried to go no contact a number of times…and this time, my daughters were experiencing health problems. His reaction was that I was being dramatic. Funny, he treated me so badly and I kept going back for more, but when it came to a comment about my children…THAT was the final straw for me. DRAMATIC???? ha. He is the biggest drama queen I’ve ever known.
        Please try to be strong. Don’t waste one more minute with him. It takes so long to get over them! The faster you remove yourself, the faster you will be on the road to recovery. xox

      3. Thanks, ANK. I wish I was stronger. Texting is my weakness, so easily done and satisfies my craving right away. I’ve had the pain increase daily at the moment. The first month was actually easy compared to now. I’m getting complete silent treatment or discard now so this is my chance to get over him.

        Same for you, don’t meet him and stay strong. Glad you’ve got past the urge to. I know just what you mean about their new prey I get depressed when I think of him getting all excited texting and meeting up with his new conquests, as he did me. He always has many at one time even so. I wish I could just shake this feeling off.

        I stated in another post how much more I “love” him now, which is confusing. I love (the friendship kind) very easily and I still do everything for my other ex-narc out of that sort of love (not romantic love). But with the greater, it’s the whole passion/romance/unconditional love thing I feel for him and I just don’t get it! Thanks for the encouragement as always.

        1. Bliss,

          With time you will become stronger.

          I totally get the texting – when I didn’t hear from him I use to get so worked up and feel awful, be in tears and then when a text from him arrived I would feel so much better, almost happy. But then I would think about it and of course conclude truthfully that he was didn’t really care about me, but was texting just keeping me hanging on.

          We become conditioned to receiving texts everyday, and then when that is taken away are left with the craving.

          You say that the pain for the first month wasn’t too bad but is worse now – for me it was bad when I found out about the new supply, but because I was till receiving texts and seeing him, it kind of eased. Then became worse with the gaps of silence and lack of texts. The pain then was bad and eased by receiving a text. Now there is a mixture of numbness and pain, however I don’t crave the texts from him anymore. Mainly because they are no from a genuine place, but fake.

          I think what is causing the most pain is that the new supply is on the receiving end of the texts and attention etc which were all once for me. with 100% certainty the things he will be saying in those texts will be the same sent to me during the golden period.

          It is very hard to shake the feeling, but can be done with a change in thought processes.

          You say you love him more now – perhaps it is because you want to mend the broken person he is. That’s what empaths want to do. I have a narcissistic sister in law whom I often felt some love for, despite the terrible things she did.

          There are those of us that keep giving the benefit of the doubt, and want to see the good in people, want to give love and don’t ask for anything in return.

          1. The physical addiction, and the calm you feel after receiving that longed for text are so real it’s frightening.

            And they know it is.

          2. The craving is strong today 😖. Was getting texts once in the week. Not heard from him. Triggered anxiety. For a millisecond was tempted to text him, but I haven’t and am resisting. Reading Exorcism instead.

          3. Yes, now I just need to work on not thinking about him! That’s much harder 😥

          4. Ank,

            Woohoo!!! One minute at a time.😊It will change with each hurdle. Keep reading. Congrats, I failed in that area so many times. My texts were filled with hate and anger. Draining and very unproductive. Imagine the fuel he was getting and I was losing a piece of me each time.

          5. Yolo,

            Thank you. I fell apart a little earlier. May be because it feels like I have lost him/will lose him totally, even though I know that’s the best thing. Believe me I have rehearsed those hate filled texts in my mind several times but never sent them for fear of losing him and pushing him away. That’s how fucked up my thinking has been.

            I can imagine how exhausting it must have been for you, channeling the feelings through texts. And I bet the responses, if you got them were less satisfactory and did little to make you feel better.

          6. ANK,

            I received temporary satisfaction. But, it didn’t resolve anything. His responses were always everyone is laughing at you. Let me send this to your mother.

            So, I set up a contact on my phone a disconnected phone number and ahole as the contact so if and when I get the urge I send to the faux number. Crazy, I know😊 it satisfied the craving.😊 Walking and listening to music helps me too. Your future possibilities are endless. Hang in there😊

          7. Ank,

            I read this awhile back. I thought i would share. I am open a little eccentric, weird, and crazy at times.

            Pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life.

            “I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be” – Lisa Chase 

            There’s several ways to help cleanse your aura.

            1. Warm bath with epsom salt.
            2. 15 minutes of Sun
            3. Meditation
            4. The ocean breeze

            Also, Google other methods.😊 It’s worth trying,i feel more at peace and a real sense of joy at times.

          8. Thank you very much Yolo for sharing that. It’s very interesting and something I will be reading again and again.

            I took an Epsom salt bath the other weekend!


          9. Since I’ve gone NC, I’ve taken to writing him texts when I can no longer simply keep my thoughts in my head…but instead of actually sending them to him…I write them in the memo app on my phone. I tried to go NC so many times, and went back, and things got better and then worse each time…this time (thank God) he has no hovered me at all. He is done with me. I still have a lot of things to say to him…they are all in the Memo app. Better there than lost on deaf ears.

          10. That’s a good coping mechanism NG27.

            He has been in my dreams that last to nights., maybe because I’m thinking too much about him.

      4. Ng27, every time I really needed my narc’s support, he would have an excuse and abandoned me, or he would start an argument, adding to my stress and it’s always my fault so I had the added pressure of then beggimg him for forgiveness. They will never be there for us. Yet we love them!

        Good job, ANK! Onwards and upwards hopefully! Thank you for such kind words. I wish I had seen this before.. because… Major disaster basically! 😁 I had a few bad rows with my children’s dad (narc too). Then proceeded to contact the narc-of-my-life… many times!! It’s just not my week.

        He conditioned me in the past to always go straight to him whenever I had problems with my ex-husband. So I am ashamed to say I have been contacting him (many times) after each row. All I’ve had in return is of course silence as I’ve been discarded. I resorted to pleading and still nothing. Ugh! I hate myself!

        Silent treatment normally spells the end of a relationship/friendship for me. But he has now managed to beat the one and only thing I don’t forgive people over. I’m not even angry with him. Just…how?! Honestly… Unbelievable what narcs do to our brains and principles.

        So all I can say is stay strong and don’t do what I did. It sounds like you still get the random responses, unlike me, I’ve been totally discarded, having said that, it’s only been a few days since his last token string-you-along text. Just need to remember how awful it feels whether if we get a response or not! Both unfavourable.

        Oh yes, I still remember the elation whenever he texted back but that feelings just doesn’t last.

        On a more positive note, I have started to feel a lot happier, which is odd because I am hurting, but it’s like I’m finally able to move on because he’s not replying at all. It’s beginning to feel a little like he never really existed. Kind of him to discard me and allow me to move on! 😉 (Although this is probably where HG corrects me by saying it’s just a dis-engagement. Gosh, it is harder to type!)

        Thanks for such amazing support and I must get Exorcism too! xx

        1. No need to be ashamed Bliss, we’ve all been there. I certainly have!
          And please don’t hate yourself. They are the ones that need to be hated.

          They do mess with our brains and principles – once upon a time i would never have contemplated seeing a married man.

          It’s been more than a week since he texted so I think this is it – I don’t expect any more. Any any way if he does, it is not with genuine concern about me so….

          It’s his birthday next Monday. I am going to ignore that fact. Wonder if he will feel aggrieved? Probably not as I’m sure he will be getting birthday fuel from the IPPS.

        1. Very true Bliss.

          Remind me of when I found out about the new supply and told him if he wants to be with her then go, and he said he wasn’t with anyone.

      5. Ank…wow your posts really sum up how i feel after i disengage and go nc. It scares me also how empty and depressed i feel when we dont text or talk. Its like hg described a howling barren wilderness and food tastes like ash. I have no interest in anything. Then when that text comes in its like total relief washes over and you feel whole again. I never contact him until he contacts me out of anger and fear of rejection. I think he senses i wont either so he eventually gets a hold of me usually within a day or so. The longest ive gone nc was a week and id told him never to contact me again. It was the most difficult but an observation during that time is i had bouts of strength where i actually started enjoying life without the narc. They were very brief tho followed by terrible panic attacks and deep depression. Some things i enjoyed during this brief disengagement were getting more sleep. Our routine for the past 6 yrs i get 5 hrs a night. Its tiring but im afraid to change it for fear of upsetting him and losing him. Another was relief from the highs and lows. At first its unsettling but the normal slowly isnt boring but comforting if that makes sense. I had him blocked pretty much except email and knowing thered be no msgs was uncomfortable at first but became respite and detoxing.
        When he emailed by day 7 i was relieved but a part of me didnt want to give up what i was gaining by being nc. I was feeling independence slowly and it felt good. This is why its imperitive to block!! If you go nc and can go fully nc block them fully so you can get over the hurdles without their interference. I think i read 90 days to detox.
        I dont trust myself and when/if i call it quits ill have to block fully otherwise its futile bc id go back.

        1. NarcAffair,

          Yes I’ve lost my appetite too. I’m determined not to contact him but at the same time not hearing from him makes me feel so desolate, so I know exactly where you are coming from. You say ‘i had bouts of strength where i actually started enjoying life without the narc. They were very brief tho followed by terrible panic attacks and deep depression.’ That’s me at the moment. The pain upon waking up is the worst. It’s hard to describe the sensation – a kind of emptiness with gnawing, and wishing I could have just continued sleeping and sleeping.

          When someone close dies you grieve for them. They say you go through a grieving process when a relationships breaks. When a person dies you know they aren’t coming back, and although you are in pain from that loss, the pain here caused is something else.

          Like you I have no interest in anything – friends and family say find a hobby, go out, meet new people. But its not easy. I’m trying to go out with friends as when I can to keep my self occupied.

          He hasn’t contacted me out of fear or rejection. As it has been more than a week this time, I don’t think he will contact me at all now. I’ve made it easy for him by not ranting and raving (no fuel). He has new supply.

          Does your narc have other supply? I can’t remember if you said.

  4. HG, I have a question,

    Oh my god, I’m the Dirty Little Secret, IPSS, with the exception of dirty hotel rooms and back seats. That’s it. That has got to be it, for over a year. Beautiful hotels, long stays at his home, but I’ve never met anyone, I never even asked. I only have a placement of being a fb friend.

    This is exhausting; I don’t think revelations with someone who has already broken my heart.

    HG, I’ve got to know. Are these researched definitions, or ones you have identified on your own experience. Is this all Black and White with no grey? How have I learned about narcissism before and never heard of these details, only extremes between mild and severe cases, criminals, etc.

    1. Hello Lynnyrn, the definitions are mine arising from my own extensive experiences and observations. I have created this lexicon to afford a more effective communication of how my kind thinks and behaves.

  5. I will admit that I feel like I am the “dirty little secret”. He’s married with a family and no one in his life knows I exist. Add in the fact that I am 850 miles away and it all makes sense now. After a year of this I think I have been discarded for the final time. But who knows. It’s only been a month of no contact right now but it’s a record so far (the last record was 3 weeks). I am wondering if I will ever be in the clear in terms of escape. Of course I am tormented at the moment because I am still in love with the “illusion”. It is all still so raw. The fact that I secretly hope for a hoover just makes me feel so much more pathetic. Why is it so damn hard to let go?

    1. Because we have allowed ourselves to be brainwashed to believe we will eventually be the chosen one.

      1. Agree with you ng27. They deceived us into thinking we were more to them than a bit on the side with their lies and future-faking. One minute he is saying he can’t give me more, and the next minute he is talking about marriage, and then when I find out he has a new source that he has been working on after leaving his wife, he is saying he can’t give me what I want, but still want to carry one seeing me.

        1. The pain is unbearable, but I have to hope that someday it will lessen and that I will wake up and he won’t be the first thing on my mind.
          Don’t be a fool like I was, leave him. I wasted too many years on him and I lost my home and my family is no longer in tact bc of decisions I made for him.
          Please be strong and go no contact, save yourself.

          1. ng27, I’m sorry that you lost your home and family over him. The devastation they cause without a conscience is unbelievable. It leads me to believe that such people have bad wiring in their brains, and thus they will never change.

            He has hoovered, thinks I will jump into bed with him. But I haven’t. His lying has put a block in my mind, I can no longer give him what I did in the past freely. But still I can’t let go. With time…. with time…. for you and me both……

          2. He’s wired badly, and obviously so am I. I’m working on that!

            I will put you in my prayers, this is the toughest time in my life. Please don’t go back to him. Block him as soon as possible. It only gets worse if you don’t bc you will keep hope alive.

          3. Yep, I’m a sucker for punishment. Having a real hard time letting go.
            He last texted on Friday, and called. I wasn’t able to pick up the call but said I would call him later. I sent a text to say I was free but found out that he had blocked me. Probably with his new source and didn’t want her to get wind. Haven’t heard from him since Friday.

            Today I had to go to his office building to pick up a parcel. Was resisting the temptation to go and seen him. Couldn’t and walked to his office but heard him on the phone to the new source. I turned round and walked away. Still felt like a kick in the guts hearing him talking to her, making arrangements to pick her up at the end of the day. But then I remind myself that he is toying with her too and it’s not me that the problem.

            Must never visit him at work again. Ever.

          4. Ank, I am so sorry to hear that story. I can literally feel that gut wrenching pain you felt bc I’ve felt the same.

            I’m trying very hard to move on. Met a very nice man who is interested in me.

            But I cannot let go, still cannot sleep through the night, haven’t heard from him in seven weeks. Haven’t seen him since new years day.

            I’m going to go out with this new man to see where it goes, but I feel like I will always be stuck and blame myself for wanting too much when in reality all I wanted was our original relationship and conversations.

            So…much…wasted…time. I hate feeling so damaged.

          5. ng27,

            I forgot my manners before – thank you for putting me in your prayers, I will do the same for you x.

            You say you want the original relationship back, but would it be the same knowing what you know and knowing what he is?

            I stupidly told Narchole I would have been happy to carry on as the other woman had he stayed with his wife. But I just couldn’t deal with the fact that he had started seeing someone else – a married woman at that. That makes me feel worthless and that’s when after reading HG’s writings I came to the conclusion that all I am/was to him is a DLS. All the texting and calling everyday is now to her – it makes me sad because that was once all for me, it makes me angry too that he can just switch from one to another so easily.

            I try to remind myself of his perfidy to make me see that he is a Narchole, a no good, lying cheat. May be you need to remind yourself of all his bad points to make you see you are better off without him. Easier said than done though, it works for a bit and then I go back to wanting what we had, feeling low because he has discarded me.

            Yes it is awful to feel so damaged – you soul ripped out….

            I hope you can get past stuck. I’m glad you have met a nice man. A good man is a start, and hopefully over time you can build a good relationship with him.

            I’m taking it in those 7 weeks that you have not heard from him you have not contacted him? If that’s the case well done.

          6. Hi Ng27,
            I guess I’m ok. Not sure really. Better than before – not wanting to sleep and hide away as much from the pain of it all. Been going for counselling. Dont know if it’s helping or not. I’ve talked about the Narchole and other things. Cried at every single session.
            Feel angry with him. Not that he knows or cares.

            He was texting a lot before easter and during. I know it was because he wanted to see me for sex. Amd also because the other woman was probably not around due to school holidays etc.

            All his texts felt like he was grooming me.

            Stupid or not I did sleep with him. It was kind of like ‘well I’ll just take what I can from you’. Use him like he’s used me. I knew he would text as much after and I was right. His last text was have a good day tomorrow and have a lovely weekend. Dismissive.
            Weekends are the worst. I get all depressed on a Friday evening. My mind is always thinking about him. Goung from hating him to wanting him.
            The fact that he cannot own up or be honest is what eats me up.

            How are things with you?