The Denial of Closure
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you be instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and sounds, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
45 thoughts on “The Denial of Closure”
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“We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either.”
Those words can’t be more true! The ex-MN told me the night before he discarded me 11 mos. ago, and 4.75 years into the relationship, “I can never let you go”. To this day, he’s still ever present in my life, but at least the pain from the addiction has subsided immensely. Thank you, HG, for giving me the closure that he couldn’t and wouldn’t.
You are most welcome Braveheart.
The closest I got to closure was his sister telling me that his new girlfriend kicked him out briefly for messaging other women! I found this to be karma, as he cheated on me with his new girlfriend and there he was, conducting the same behaviour that he exhibited with me. Made me smirk a little! I know that I will never get full closure but I’ll take what his sister gave me. History repeats…just as I expected it would. HG, what are your beliefs in karma?
Hi ODS, I have written elsewhere that karma is actually (if you believe in it) what happens to you in the next life for what you have done in this one. People confuse karma with ‘what goes around comes around’. I do not believe in it.
Does serverity of abuse caused by narcissist and critcism received in return from the victim can prevent a mid ranger from hoover?????
It is a factor.
Thank you so much for your replies Mr. Tudor. Because of the knowledge that you have imparted about your kind. I was of able to let go of my narc and have maintained no contact ever since. One question that bothers me nowadays is whether a narcissist truly cared for me and became infatuated with me during idealisation phase. My narcissist used to lock his eyes with mine like someone who is deeply and madly in love with me. Do they just mirror and don’t have a single ounce of love and affection and compassion for you. My narc also use to point out those whom he found attractive and beautiful during our relationship. I was also called cutee by him. What attractive and cute mean in narcissistic world when the individual with attractive and cute label never met the narcissist. It cannot be on the basis of amount of fuel provision as you cannot guage the empathic traits of an individual by just looking at a picture. By the way mine was a somatic mid range narcissist.
Thanks for everything
Mr. Tudor, is there any victim of yours who never crossed your mind or never received a hoover from you. If so why???
It was impossible to perform the hoover.
Why impossible? Did failing to hoover lead to why she never crosses your mind?
The person is dead.
Is it the one that committed suicide?
I did assume the person was dead – I can think of no other reason why it would be impossible.
I never ever think about the first Narcissist, except when he hoovers me, but my thoughts of him pass quickly. It’s becoming the same with the second Narcissist, as well…(this one was more difficult due to his army of Lieutenants harassing me). I have nightmares from the Histrionic. Then, there was the Sociopathe. He was much more intelligent than the last two Narcs, but not more so than the Histrionic. The Histrionic was brilliant. Still, the Sociopath made me feel like he knew me inside, and out. I felt a relentless attachment to it. The attachment was akin to an addiction. It was like having unquenchable feelings for a machine that was programmed to be evil. Yet, it ‘acted’ human (more so than many actual humans do). I wanted to believe that it could be human, and that it could be real, and not an act. I wanted ‘someone’ I could hang onto and protect me.
That is actually a pretty terrifying concept that the Sociopath “acted” more human than the normal humans. Especially that you felt he knew you inside and out (I’m sure he did) and that he was like a machine programmed to be evil.
Evil is intelligent. Yet intelligence is hugely intoxicating. Just when you think you’ve raised the benchmark with standards on who you want to let into your life, the ones who hit the bar are the disordered evil ones…
Ugh!
I have thought about this. I saw the narc once make some flattering comment to Lady Gaga on twitter of all places. There was something about the comment that intrigued me. See, the evil isn’t intelligent really. Its rather simple when you get how it works. It primarily works for one reason and one reason alone. A total lack of respect for boundaries. He tweeted to Lady Gaga as if they were old intimate partners. And after I understood what this was doing, I saw this is how he treated everyone. He makes everyone feel like he is flirting and talking directly to them. Like he is customizing his affections and attention. He jumps past many boundaries of body, mind and soul. But he’s not. Nothing is personally tailored. He just has no boundaries. And it extends to boundaries of decency and morality. Its the engine for all his perversion. And because he seems to be ‘breaking norms’, he appears as someone bold and daring. In benign environments, it might be ‘fun’. On the interpersonal? It’s destructive and dangerous and damaging on every level imaginable. It’s not that intelligent when you get that all he’s doing is violating the constructs that most people use that keep society functional more or less. But it’s contagious and makes people feel powerful. It’s why people like this can build an army of soldiers to take someone down. People bound by their own morality feel they can breath a breathe of fresh air by living through his violation of others. I don’t find it so intelligent of any of them, both him as the ring leader and the others as followers. But it’s effective and destructive. People like this can lure an entire nation into committing great atrocities but it’s not intelligent in itself. IMHO>…..
I agree once you’ve caught on to it. Definitely. They become transparent. The trick for me is I have always been guarded and cautious since childhood. It takes a long time for someone typically to have me warm up to. So it’s almost a necessity for someone to be bold about breaking thru boundaries. They just need to have good intentions. Just where I’m still a work in progress.
Yes, I love intelligence. I like when a person can see into me and understand. And yes, he acted more human than real humans. I guess it might be because he was a machine of sort, had the control of not acting in emotion. Acting by our emotions is what gets humans into trouble much of the time. I would think that without emotion, one would have incredible self control, and the power to allure others.
Oh but with your help, HG, my escape was precise, sharp, and brutally strict! Thank you for the help.
Surgeon Indy
You are welcome.
Exorcism
Mmmmmmm… perhaps..
good suggetion .
Is the man swimming naked in this pic?
I wanted closure but never got it from N…After being triangulation, leaving unexpectedly, proposed to me and giving me a diamond 💎 ring, living together, coming back and leave again. Darn I was left devastated and terribly confused,
After coming across this blog, reading and understanding the mind of a N.
I have found closure now
Thanks to H.G for educating me.. 🌹
(When you know what you know, no need for the N to explain) because……….
Now I know!
You are welcome.
I know I will regret believ ing his lies but refuse to now.
Always a fight between the mind and heart, such is the power that is weld.
Lol he once told me he would get into my head, my response was you better bring your safety equipment.
He said he had the best that was offered, and then off we went
It’s been since 8/27/16. Do I have closure? I have no contact but the wound is still large. I still think of everything… I still think of them. There is always that lingering after thought of what if…. Then I realize that there is no happy ending to any of it. So day by day minute by minute.
On a better note I am recovering with my family. 😃
I got my closure. He made a tactical mistake. He exposed the core lie trying to hurt me more. But my head prevaled over the hurt to see it as it was, that he gave me the gift of closure. Wonder if he kicks himself for that mistake?
Sarabella – I am intrigued – can you tell us what his mistake was?
Sunshine: Its long complicated and extremely sad to me. But in essence, he had allegedly apologized for what he did to me many years ago. Only he made up a bunch of reasons why what had happened had happened. And he had been using that whole story to control me and trot out hurt as he needed. But those reasons fit the “I always cared about you narrative”. The only reason I ever dropped my guard. The reasons against his behavior never matched and were the cause of all the CD. But he has still wanted to avenge my criticism of him even though he was the one who was always steps ahead in the hurt delivery department. So I asked him a question about that old timeframe. He answered me but in this case, his answer was a complete and direct negation of all the lies he told me and it was truly to hurt me. So though the hurt put me to bed for 2 days in shock, I was able to come out of it and tell him he finally gave me the closure I had needed. That he had lied about everything and he is trash for doing that; he is a vile human being. Funny thing about pathological liars, they hate being called a liar. That one always cracks me up. And after a few more massive rage attacks at each other, a smear campaign I got an App service to delete, I have closed all doors to him. I still am mopping up the hurt and still purging him. But what a horrible, vile, hurtful, ugly thing to do to someone. I wish him nothing but misfortune in his pathetic life.
I was fooled into believing I needed him ! But as time went by reading Up on HG books I learnt to love myself more than him . Truth is he needs me more than I do now thats why they don’t let go !
Yes, never thought of it that way!
Really, really annoying. You are clearly very good at what you do, you horrible man (I only say that as it won’t hurt your feelings).
So, do you have any advice as to how to handle these situations?
Purge the ever presence.
Would this be the book, Exorcism? I Nothing the last Narc. Now, I need to finally, and forever, purge you…no, it is not adoration, or admiration. Nor is it hate, or disgust. It is something else… It is something else. Will this book help me?
It is and yes it will.
And put his remaining belongings on Gumtree?
You need to exercise caution with such an approachsince you are interfering with another person’s property. You do not want to score an own goal by providing us with an avenue to attack you and therefore you are best served arranging for its return. Certainly sell those things he gave you as they were gifted to you (even though in his mind he considers them to remain his property).
Thank you, HG. I appreciate that advice.
You are welcome.
….”The really good ones use a way of lying that is to not lie — in terms of not telling wild untruths. They frame the truth by omission, or by perspective (like an editorial writer), in such a way as to build a version of reality that is both verifiable by its own rules, and yet none the less false. These untruths are the ones with real power.
Such people lead the much of the public around, let alone single targeted individuals. They will decide everything for you, and you will believe their will is your earnest desire and pleasure…”
I disagree! And every day of the rest of my life is proving me right, so it’s all good.
This is exactly where I am. No closure. At times I hate him, but then I you cannot still help myself because I want to know what he is doing.
As Jim Croce sang “I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn’t real, but that’s not the way it feels
No, no, no, no – that’s not the way it feels.”
Why do you want to know, Scout? Just leave it. Leave it, seriously.
Don’t waste any more of your one wild and precious life.
ahh.. mary oliver.
amid the pain and confusion of dealing with my ex
and the abuse and torment he put me through…
you brightened my evening with that
thanks