A Question of Trust
We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,
“I like your shirt it suits you.”
You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.
People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.
You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.
By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.
Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.
When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.
63 thoughts on “A Question of Trust”
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Fail.
SCOUT (haha good one-I see what you did there).
Vaknin the jig is up-youtube called and they want you back.
You’re a better writer than Sam Vaknin. I bet he’s pissed.
Hello Ana, you know just how to please me!
H.G., I think the same thing as what Ana just said above. I know she said it first, but I think the same thing.
So you HAVE heard of him. You said you didn’t know who he was. Of course, I know just how you will spin this. “No, Scout. I have no idea who he is. But as long as I am better than he is, that’s all that matters to me.”
Of course I have, my comment to you was humour.
How much supply does a narcissist need? 100s of people or a few consistent good supplies?
It is not supply, it is fuel. Read the book Fuel, the answers lie within that excellent book.
That little boy in the meme is so cute and positively adorable.
HG…Do you lie about the lies you lie about and really seriously believe them? I know that may sound funny..but dayum..it is for real!! Who can do that?? Confusion..complete confusion. Lol
No I know I lie.
Are you lying to me about you knowing you lie? Lol
No.
Man i spelt lying wrong. Lieing…dont call me out on it HG. 😜
No you spelt it correctly the first time!
Really? Ur telling an untruth. Now i dont know what to believe. Jk
No I am telling you the truth that I tell lies and I know I do.
You seem to tell the truth here thou, which is a little confusing yet something else…..it will come to me
I do tell the truth here. That is the whole point.
I know and I should not have said it seems.
You and this blog are about the only things in my life that I trust right now.
Everything that you have said has helped me tremendously and I have no doubt that you are telling the truth here. The knowledge that you provide couldn’t possibly have come from someone who doesn’t have the expertise and experience that you have. You know what you are talking about and my counselor has agreed with that.
Still don’t want to come across you in real life because you would destroy me.
You would love my emotional output though. Lol
Thank you SW. You are right to remain guarded and I have little doubt I would enjoy your fuel.
This one is true and sad. The narc told me he was telling me the truth about something. But I did not have trust. He worked on me hard. I went to see him, but not with full trust. And then I became aware he wasnt telling the truth and he destroyed all my trust in him.
What I still can’t come to terms with is how others can have relationships with him. Is he suddenly so trustworthy to them? Or do people really just not care that much about other people’s characters? Or why the need to destroy my trust so brutally? Or are those relationships with people who are closer in kind to him than me, so it doesnt matter? I don’t get this one. It has me stuck. Any ideas?
The sad thing is my mother betrayed me deeply and broke all my trust. And then pretended it did not matter to our relationship or to my mind. Its when I lost my cynicism as I tried to find a way to repair the damage. I think ever since some of those key destructive events, I have been on a quest to find someone to show me full trust and truth ever since. And I chased the wrong people for it. I wonder why I put faith in the few narcs that crossed my way.
how sad this post. and we wonder why the world is at the crisis its at. the US politics is in a complete crisis of trust and truth. psychopaths in governance have gotten too cheeky off their power and look where we are all at, utter chaos with Justice barely functioning. Its at a super critical point right now. I mean its always been there, but this is something quite new. Intelligence and integrity seem gone.
We have all heard that we must first love ourselves before we can love someone else. Can one love them-self when they target others with deceit in mind?
This whole “narcissistic” thing is new for me (at least on a conscious level) so I have many questions. One of which is….do narcissists really love themselves?
No. We do not know what love is. We do not love ourselves, we need you to do that.
Do you think you could learn love? Or a compromise of sorts?
Is it something you learn?
How would you define love?
I ask because so many throw it around, some it is an action some it is an emotion
I do not know because I do not feel it.
I know the plastic and manufactured representations which I churn out based on what the media represents.
I have heard so many people speak of what it is and how that is alien to me.
I can counterfeit it.
See this is what confuses me. You don’t love yourself, and yet you think you are the greatest thing on earth. The narcissist paradox.
Let me put it another way. I cannot love myself because I do not know what love is – I have realised this.
I am magnificent because of how effective I am and what I achieve. I admire myself.
I call that lust, and society has groomed it in how love should be, and lets not forget instant gratification, yes the outlook on sex and this causes many many issues in this dynamic, for us, not you.
I think you could learn love in action, yet feel it I am not sure. Your addiction to fuel is very very strong and you desengaged from certain emotions, doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect just if it happens it will be a very very slow process. I don’t mean any of this as criticism
I understand.
And if you can’t love me, you can never be allowed to forget me. Right?
Yes.
But it’s a vacuum. We can never fill it enough. You know that.
As an old boss used to say…you can’t kid a kidder…We trust because we are trustworthy. We would not consider engaging in such deceitful behaviour and therefore we have no real concept that others would.
I think I would rather be trustworthy and trusting (and yes, even naive) than be cynical and bitter. I may get hurt but I’ve been hurt before and I have bounced back. I will keep bouncing back.
Yes, agreed. I think true strength is that we can never be broken beyond repair. They may try, but the strength that at least i pull from is endless and boundless. So there is no destruction. Blessings.
I remember being cornered into “trust” with her so quickly. Before I was ready. In the heat of the idealization phase, I remember somewhat reluctantly uttering the words, “I trust you” before my heart was in it. She was positively transfixed and looked almost intoxicated when I said it. A bit of an odd response, I had thought. I was being pushed so fast in this direction by her. I did feel that frantic push and it did feel unnatural but I went with it for a while because I put it down to her being an anxious, high speed, high strung person which she is. Plus, I wanted to trust her. I like being able to trust and have a few people in my life who can trust me back. Emotional intimacy with a few people is nurturing. How is it not nurturing for narcissists? You don’t have to have emotional intimacy with everybody — hell, I don’t trust most people — but isn’t it nice to have trust and emotional intimacy with a few? It brings about peace, calm, and a feeling of emotional safety. How and why does the two-way street of emotional sharing and vulnerability not work with you people? Is it because you’ve never had it your whole lives with anyone? What is it that you feel about emotional intimacy & trust?
I think the demon that rides their back doesn’t let them get pleasure from anything that makes sense to any of us. It’s pathological and therefore there is no answer. They’re driven to both suffer and cause suffering. That’s why it’s incumbent upon parents to try to mitigate the demonic influence from as early an age as possible. For anyone who disagrees with me on the spiritual level, you don’t have to disagree with me out loud. I’m familiar with and tremendously respect all faiths and atheism. I’m only giving my own input as the ex wife and now parent of a narcissist (often mislabeled o.d.d. etc in children). And im heartbroken at the moment and don’t want to defend the above either. Lol that made me laugh. “I’m too sad to argue.” Well that rarely happens! But I’m just saying, my opinion is not one of thinking I’m right, just sharing my belief. I also respect mr. Tudor very much and am not implying he or anyone is possessed, simply that it’s a metaphorical “demon” of … im not sure yet. A disconnect of the brain and the soul, wherein the brain wants the mind and soul and body to suffer. It’s sadistic instinct turns even on itself, and will not let itself rest, nor enjoy a good relationship, nor a good woman, nor a good life, but must forever meddle and stir the pot and ruin all that he has. And because it’s pathological, no one can talk him out of it or counsel him because only he can one day cure the intense, annihilating self-hatred from which the other-hatred stems. I apologize for the length of my post.
You did cover all the bases with this one. It’s so sickening on so many levels.
They broke your trust so you break everyone elses too. Hmmm 2 wrongs make a right in Narcadia.
Truth vs Intention
Ah yes. Like when they say “Hello OLD friend” or “Your glasses suit you” and you think “oh but these cheap ugly things were just a spare pair handy and”…..then you dont bother to explain because you know that they may not have just paid you a compliment but may well have just told you that they find you cheap and ugly. Or old. Such is the nature of the Narc that you should always question if it was truth or intention. Or just smile to yourself amused and think: good one.
Hahaha. Be tried that. Referred to me as an old friend from 3 decades ago. I was like seriously? We were never old friends. You discarded me. In the present you and I were becoming friends. But old friends? No. What a joke. I know you meant old as in old looking but it reminded me of that trick he kept trying to use. We were never friends when we last parted ways. Just cauae Facebook said ‘friends’ doesnt mean we were.
this hurt seems so fucking bottomless. its the gift and education that just keeps on giving. But at least with this blog, I am getting info more on me than him and the focus is finally shifting.
On point HG! You covered all the bases in this one! Trust and maybe loyalty (secondly) are the 2 biggest traits that will keep their torch burning for you and only you.
Being 14 hrs away and to have had this happen is excruating. I look forward to the day of running into him, saying nothing but to look into his eyes, he’ll know that I know what and who he is deep down….a lying, cheating, master manipulator, untrustworthy piece of garbage and that is truth.
My P.O.S lives 14 hrs away also. Was engaged for two years. One night on the phone he said he was done. Broke my soul, 6 weeks later he brought home to meet his family his new victim. Its sad how I saw things but wouldn’t believe it, even salt looks like sugar! Being a survivor of a narcissist is a badge not worn lightly. Its to bad narcs just attract narcs. Leave the rest of us alone.
How could I have put all my trust in someone who was playing me the whole time?
I still ask this question.
I had never felt sooo comfortable with anyone else in my life. I told my ex many times that I could tell her anything. I probably would have jumped off a bridge for her.
Even when I knew she was lying I trusted her. I guess that’s my fault.
I talk about this with my therapist every week. I still think people want something from me. I am learning to go with my first gut instinct and if I’m wrong, OH WELL. Better safe than sorry for me. Not taking any chances.
Pfffff. Thanks for all the articles You share with us, it shure open ones eyes. May I aks If You already wrote somting About trust, loyalty, etc. between little kids growing up with a narc mother before? I have soooooo many questions About growing up around her. Perhaps You have answers 🤕
Thanks in advance
Hello Ittam, you are welcome. Yes this is covered in forthcoming books.
Thanks! Looking foreward to it 😉
I can’t wait to read these books HG. An abusive lover/partner is accepted much better by society than an abusive mother. A mother’s love is sacred in most human societies and the perfect alibi for the narcissistic mother. What my mother did and is still doing is what I call the perfect crime.
Forgot to say I like the reference to William Tell. That minion of yours is good!
Thanks Lou. The minion just scurries away and fetches, the vision is yours truly.
Feel sick..
Truly my trust has been tarnished …
My God.. i am still so shocked..
I read recently, perhaps it was even you that wrote it, that your kind likes meeting people with defensive walls up. The vulnerable who hsve been hurt and therefore do not trust readily. That your kind view it as a challenge. Is that true?
Yes it is, subject to our fuel demands.
Yup. He admitted seeing someone around town. Her defences up. He said he ‘went after her cause there was something there ‘ Yeah, a hurt and broken and lonely soul he just piled on to more and used in a horrific way.
It amazes me that you took your mother’s abuse (and whoever else’s) and just magnified it a thousand fold. It actually makes you worse than her on so many levels, especially if your mother isn’t aware of being abusive but you clearly are. I would never give mine the satisfaction of ever even remotely being like her. How sad to want to inflict the same pain you went through on others. This is about pure enjoyment you get from abusing others.
A guy said he had to break down my walls. He would be the perfect (insert dynamic). Promise after promise, intricately crocheted around my wrists until i was his. Then the back peddling started and with that, he slowly but surely pulled all the promises from around my wrists. I’d been terrified to be captured again. So why did freedom hurt so much? That’s rhetorical. Second, may you please keep in mind, when you’re sociopathic nature is engaged, that you’re not just hurting her but the little girl inside her who was never healed, perhaps, from being molested or abused repeatedly? The delight you get is not just for an adult you’re stripping the heart of. There could still be a girl inside, permanently frozen due to cptsd. With all due respect, please be gentle if you address this at all. Or maybe answer by email and delete this. Lol tyvm
Thank you for your observation tabu, you may well be correct but what that person is, is only of concern to me in terms of fulfilling my own needs.
tbbu
The freedom hurts because its an immense amount of grief. And they count on a hurt little girl. It only works because one is there. The narc knew me as a little girl and he knew I was hurt cause he saw it then. And he did it again. I was the perfect repeat target because of that.
Tbbu
Mine took me to the edge gave me a choice,stay holding onto fear or jump. I became more powerful then him as to I jumped and embraced who I am and healed wounds inflicted so long ago. When they rip those scabs open and you start to bleed they show you truth of what is holding you back, and you can chose to stay or grow.
If I am ever captured again, he will take me where I would not go, open a door that has never open to anyone, experience full freedom, I have yet to met anyone in real life that can handle my emotional output.