The Narcissistic Truths – No. 185
64 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 185”
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No its not hard getting out of it. All u no is swap who u text n then how often.on those times u expect it. Trust me a little effort it’s not that hard. Decide what u want!
HG, do you think the more we reach out to our narcs when they are silent and preoccupied with another source, the more weak, desperate, and pathetic we appear to the narc? From what I could gather your kind despise the weak and pathetic. Would appreciate your insight. Thank you!
It is more a case of you become an irritant because the narcissist is trying to get on with his or her new golden period and you, as the painted black trouble maker is causing consternation by appearing and tapping into the inherent paranoia that our kind have that you are going to do something to foul up our new wonderful supply of positive fuel.
How does Hoover by Proxies work?
The Narc reached out to a mutual friend. I am not that close to her, not like he is, and she is definitely an inner circle friend to him. I was aware of their friendship. Turns out, he had asked her to support me when I had a family loss, the only reason I broke NC with him to share the news. She, however, did not even know we knew each other at that time, and had asked him questions about our ‘friendship’. He lied of course. But I only found out 11 months later that he had done this when I went to her to ask her help in asking her to delete his online smear of me. I did find it rather odd that she did seem a bit more supportive of me in my loss than I would have expected when we didn’t know each other well. But I had no idea he had done that and if I had, I would never have gone to her for help to remove the smear. Not my style which now I know, he counted on, correct? Strange how it worked out though as it showed me something about him I think he had never intended to come out.
Was that a Hoover by Proxy? Or was that him laying down groundwork of a good guy, concerned about me for my loss) so if I ever DID talk (like what happened), she would not realize she was set up to not believe the depth of whatever I might tell her? Or was it really more a hoover by proxy?
A hoover by proxy is the narcissist utilising a separate agent (which can be either human or an object) for the purposes of generating a fuelled response from the victim.
The situation you described was a hoover by proxy.
In this case, since I didn’t find out what he had done for 9 months, what fuelled response did he get at the time he did this? Controlling this unsuspecting friend? Or was it in anticipation of future fuel from me? Like she wouldn’t believe me? or that he knew she would reach out to me in support as she did? But it was positive behavior on her part, not negative. I bet you have post on this.
He would gain Thought Fuel from imagining and then hearing about your reaction. He would gain fuel from her as well.
If my reaction was, I know you were manipulating that situation, that it was not real concern, that I know it was just another of your manipulations, what would that do? Is there still fuel in that? There was no emotion, so the fuel wouldn’t be much other than what he gained when he first spoke to her?
You may give fuel SB, you may be angry, dismayed, irritated. It is difficult for people (and especially empathic people) to remain emotionless in a face to face scenario.
The constant silence on the phone goes hand-in-hand with the silent treatment, which is torture and I absolutely loathe. They create the pattern and then yank it away. No one is ever too busy to send a check-in or a flirty hello.
The silent treatment is definitely your kryptonite isnt it Clarece?
Watch it Mister! I don’t even like speculating on it…
The Super Tanker will erupt in a Perfect Storm.
I admit it, HG. It is mine for sure. I stupidly told my narc this once (in a round about way) before I knew what he was.
True. It only takes a minute to send a short text. But why waste energy on us when there is fuel forthcoming from the new source.
All is and the fuel dictates it to be ANK.
I did text him last Friday. Couldn’t take the silence. He responded and mentioned that he missed the sex and that we are amazing in bed. A mini hoover? I replied yes we were, but you’re having sex with someone else, so you’re not really missing out. His reply -‘Still miss you… I know I shouldn’t but there you go.’
I note he said we ARE amazing in bed.
That’s exactly what I would think. How busy could one be?
Because they’re not!!!! I had one male friend tell me if a guy was chasing you and texting you all the time and it stops, he’s just chasing and texting someone else.
They are in that mode to constantly juggle their daily demands and chase their latest interest.
So right Clarece.
They are only busy for us. The new source is firmly embedded and the recipient of the texts. They have all the time in the world to text him/her.
But, sooner or later, the new supply will get the same treatment that we received from the Narcissist. They are Repeat Offenders.
Did you find a next victim?
I find them every day Mona.
Can’ t see it from my mobile neither on laptop..
A man goes far to find out what he is —
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.
Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.
How am I supposed to ignore someone when they are not paying attention to me ignoring them? That’s not fair! He’s not playing by the rules”Q Tell him HG, tell him! #nohooverforFlick
No hoover for me either. I guess I really meant nothing. Not even good enough for a hoover.
We should be glad about it really, but…..
Same for me Scout. Easy come, easy go……
This morning there was a meme:
Sex and the Narcissist..
is not there anymore.
why?
No idea. It should be.
He was constantly in touch with me…always texting, emailing, and calling. I became dependent on his constant “devotion” even though I was also busy with my own interests and hobbies. He permeated my mornings, days, and nights. It made it all that more crushing when it ended by him ghosting me, (except for his later hoovers by proxy).
I just remembered, though, that with the Somatic Narcissist, if I didn’t respond to his text within 8 seconds, he’d get angry and accuse me of being with other men, or not caring about him; with the second Narcissist, if I didn’t respond in due time, he’d make me feel guilty by having his Lieutenant call me, telling me that he (my boyfriend) was having a nervous breakdown in thinking I had died, or been in an accident, or something else horrible happened to me. I would be told how much distress I caused him; and with the Histrionic Narcissist, he wouldn’t let me walk down a different aisle of a grocery store than where he was. He wouldn’t even let me out of the house, and this is no exaggeration. He always said that he was afraid someone would take me away from him because I was “so beautiful”. (I’m not saying I am (blush), I am just repeating what he always said. All the Narcissists had said I was beautiful and gorgeous, ETC., but I think if this was true, they would have truly loved me, and would not have done what they did. I think, somehow, it is my fault that they hurt me so much).
Standard line for narcs. He use to tell me I was gorgeous. I said I wasn’t but thanked him for the compliment and he said he was going to tell me I was gorgeous everyday until I believed him.
Yeah he adored me and found me so gorgeous he looked elsewhere.
ANK, it’s so strange how they all do, and say, the same things!
The lines are obviously tried and tested and the Narc knows they work, especially on people that take other people to be honest and true. They must have been rubbing their hands in glee.
I’m sure I have read somewhere there is website for psychopaths and narcs where they discuss what to say and do to ensnare.
Sickening really.
ANK, It’s not because of you; it is because of who he was- a mean Narcissist. I am sure you ARE definitely beautiful. I know that anything they do, we cannot take it personally, even though, I, for one, still do take it personally, and it hurts very much.
You are very kind Claudia x.
I know I am no looker, and am not bothered too much at my age about men finding me attractive or not. If they care only about looks then they are shallow.
What does bother me through is that he uses women’s insecurities and vulnerabilities to take advantage, be it with their looks or bad patch in a marriage/relationship or heartbreak from a previous relationship break up.
The new source is no stunner either, and I don’t say that to be mean, but clearly he knows who to target. Other women I know he hangs out with are also not in the supermodel category. He love bombs them and grooms them to sleep with him.
It is hard not to take it personally Claudia, because they make you feel like you aren’t good enough, and you are left wondering what the new woman has that you don’t. It hurts very much, knowing they are with someone else, because you gave them your love and all they did was take your heart and throw it away, because someone else caught their eye – a shiny new toy in the shop window, and they started to give their pennies to the buy the toy, bit by bit, till they owned the toy outright. The new toy is in their hands, the old one is discarded. They may glance at it from time to time, but the new one is so much more exciting.
And it is definitely about fuel – getting off on the chase of new prey rather than sex itself, because if it was to do with the sex he wouldn’t have cast his line elsewhere to reel in another victim. He texted last week to say he missed the sex with me. Really? F/U is what I say to that.
I remind myself what a lying,cheating shit he is and that I have had a lucky escape because he will never stop cheating to help me with the pain. Yet paradoxically I want to be with him and it to be like it was in the golden period.
Gonna take a long time to get over him and what he has done……..
I hope your pain lessens day by day.
xxxx
Thank you, ANK. Yes, nearly impossible not to take it personally. I know. I wish there was something I could say, or do, to lessen your pain. xxxxx
😮
I’m waiting every day that “good morning”. I receiving a lot of “good morning” from friends…but it is different in my heart the impact of his message. He came back from 5 days to writing again to me… he asked me some pictures and i told him NO and after a little blackmail I blocked him … again… i’m so tired…
This looks more like an addiction than anything else.
Hope your fingers are rested looks to be a very busy day for you.
The sunrise was beautiful this morning….
This meme, well the picture fits now to go back and actually read what it says
Is that the golden period or a hoover?
It could be either Watermelon.
Ha, well the email arrived yesterday, as you predicted.
I wonder…
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and I’m feeling good!
Or
Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand.
Day/night or black/white, never any twilight.
Oh we have Twilight ABB, she will be along presently I am sure.
Yes you do!
Good Morning HG and ABB!
Good morning.
Good morning Twilight. 🌅
How are you today ABB?
It was like clockwork and I loved it.
The text arrived at 7:00 am and the last one of the day was 10:00pm.
It was hard to detox from that.
Very addicting.
Absolutely.
Same for me, a text every morning and lots of text exchanges in the evening. Miss them.
Now nothing. He is busy texting the new source.
And even if he did, it is all fake.
Be thankful for him leaving you alone! You are actually very fortunate, even if you don’t realise it. Block his number and emails.
You are right Sunshine.
Just want to get over the pain.
Hi ANK,
I missed them too. The texts came all day long and I never never put my phone down and no one could touch it. People true to tell me it wasn’t normal but I didn’t care because I felt that is what best friends did. I always defended her.
I now realize it was all about monopolizing my time and keeping the attention on her and away from others who might say something about her.
It’s hard not to miss it. I used to cry for days because my phone wasn’t going off anymore with all those pings.
Then the phone going off turned into triggers but now I’ve adjusted to it.
Sorry you went through that Snow White.
It was all part of the love-bombing.They made us think we meant so much to them they just had to text us and be in contact all the time.
We got addicted to the texts.
I know it hurts ANK but it does get better.
I hope so feel some relief soon.
Every couple of weeks a bad day hits me.
I’m sorry for your pain too. ❤️❤️❤️
Yeah you think you’re getting over it and then all of a sudden you get hit again and go down.
I endured the same thing SW. It truly was the worst part to get over. I’m so happy not to be attached to my phone 24/7 anymore.
Me too Bravehart!!!!
It got to be a chore after awhile.
She used to tease me with “I’ll leave you alone if you are too busy”. And that was just after a few minutes of not answering.
It is nice to hear my phone go off and not have to run to it.
Whoever it is can wait til I’m ready to get it.