Derailed
It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.
You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied our primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.
Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?
Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.
- You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
- You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
- You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
- You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
- You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
- The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.
We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who proves an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.
However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?
The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?
- You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
- You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.
“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”
“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”
“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”
“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”
“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”
“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”
“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”
- Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.
“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”
“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”
“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”
“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”
“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”
“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”
“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”
- Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to our behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
- Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just not worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”
We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.
24 thoughts on “Derailed”
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(Please feel free to delete my previous comments on this thread. Multiples are due to Chrome choking on two of my wordpress accounts but Edge is working normally, so here I go again with an edited copy on Edge.)
Question. Background first:
I was married to the narc for decades and the rapidity of the final discard and replacement was stunning. But I am the one who wants to warn his replacements about his character and I have done so with two replacements. They remain captive to his charm despite being warned.
I have successfully recruited his latest primary supply as an ally to watch out for my children’s best interests. I’m pretty sure he gave up playing the field now to settle on another empath for primary supply and I trust her more than him based on feedback from my children about her character/behavior.
So am I a narc because I “smear” him to his girlfriends? I feel sorry for them that they got sucked in by his charm and sexual prowess and I want to warn them about the narc charm turning to abuse. The new girlfriend- she does “not want to be in the middle” but I replied to her by e-mail that “you picked a narcissistic man with a wife of 30 years and 8 children and I have heard from the children that you stick up for them when he is selfish and stingy”. I also heard that she is a wealthy heiress and she called him out for whining about alimony and child support paid to the wife of 30+ years, now a single mom, who made a lot of sacrifices bearing and raising 8 his children. And I might add- submissively following him around the world pursuing his dreams with the ever growing train.
He doesn’t smear me (that I know of- I live 500 miles away from him and maintain a pretty solid NC). I “smear” him to his GF’s.
Does that make me a narc?
Hi There Sunshine & Ank,
We all heal in different ways. There was a time when he meant so much to me. Regardless of the outcome, I do wish him well. I wish that he could find his inner peace. I also appreciate that I will not change him. That is on his shoulders.
On my shoulders is my own well being. Life is short and I choose to move forward with my smile intact and my heart open. You see, although I lost my smile for a while, it has reemerged. And for me to feel anything less than compassion for him would be to lose a part of myself. It was with this mindset that I won my inner battle, (anger did not work for me).
Best,
-Kathy
If I ever do have a relationship again (and that’s a big if) – I will flaunt it. I will not allow one person to derail me – and my family and friends are too strong and know me too well to be influenced against me. Those that do waver, are not my family or friends and therefore their opinions are irrelevant.
” You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.”
Pretty much all of the above….
I have experienced this so many times… Crazy fury filled attacks and especially pleading “i miss you, i want to discuss about our future” But this is confusing because I was IPSS. Even when I went to no contact he looked all the ways to contact me. And months later he still does.. I understood the normal way when IPSS starts to be difficult would be just drop me and leave me alone? I once even treathened to tell the GF the truth but that just let to more determined actions to maintain our relationship.
The main problem here is that the narc starts the smear campaign, which means he orchestrates it and he has the upper hand.
An empath would need to think ahead and counter this utterly pathetic move before the thought even crosses the narc’s mind. Ideally, that should be part of the escape, to destroy his credibility with regard to anything he says about her later on.
As to the new man: if he believed someone else more than her, he was not a keeper anyway. Good riddance.
HG. I’m commenting for the first time, but I’ve been reading the posts for a couple of months now.
I was married to a somatic narcissist, professional athlete for over 20 years. I have finally gone no contact and with the help of this site I’m having more success than I ever imagined.… And I can’t begin to express my gratitude. I have also met the acquaintance of one of his discarded exes, whom I also shared your site with. You’re changing lives. Thank you.
Hello Mthofdrgns and welcome on board. I am pleased that you are finding my work useful and thank you for sharing the site too. Do keep reading.
I’m somewhere between points 4 and 6 of my Romantic Recovery, as I call it. Strangely enough, it’s actually great to recognize this process in what you describe.
I once again want to point out that I admire your writing for its style, eloquence, clarity, and the knowledge it brings to people. You’re doing a very good thing for others (yourself, too); the extent you acknowledge this privately and your reasons why only really matter to you; only you can experience them. But it makes me grateful that you write just the same.
And relatedly, I’m just so impressed by the consistent quality with which you explore a lot of topics. I can’t write at that pace. I do enjoy reading at that pace though, especially if it’s good writing like yours.
Thank you LBTM I appreciate you starting as such.
Yes, it hurts. But not because he is with her. In fact, if his new relationship makes him happy (and is maintainable) then that is a good thing.
But from what I’ve read, it is not maintainable. So….what actually hurts the most….is knowing that my pain will pass, but his will remain with him for the rest of his life. That’s the worst part of this whole thing.
K, you sound like a very compassionate person. Someone abused you, yet you hurt most of all because he will always be a narcissist and abuse people?
To me, the person you need the most compassion for is yourself. Stop worrying and thinking about him. If he really is a narcissist, then he doesn’t really care about you, not in the way you or I would understand. If he’s really a narcissist, he is only interested in you for narcissistic supply, or fuel, and what you can do for him.
It doesn’t make you a better person because you care about your abuser so much. Stop. Give that care to yourself and to others around you, those who reciprocate and are worthy of your care and love and attention.
Was thinking the same thing Sunshine. Very Selfless of K. May be its to do with the innate desire to fix, and despite all, feeling sorry for the Narc and thinking ‘we’ can help them to change. Need to realise that nothing we do will change them, they can’t be changed.
Yes, it does hurt very much because we had love in our hearts for them, whereas they had hate, and deceit. Here is an email he wrote me back then. It is extremely hard to not be pulled in and conned by these words:
“…Honey, I am so depressed. All the joy is gone from my life. You are the joy in my life. I don’t even want to live any more.
I know I messed up really badly, and I know that I hurt you. I hate myself.
I am so sorry, Honey. I was so stupid. I can’t even believe I did what I did. You mean so much to me. I acted insensitively without thinking. I wish I could take it back. There is so much regret.
The fact is that I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I had the rest of my life planned out with you…”
(I went back to him, and was only furthered abused by him; his words were completely all lies).
What a snake.
Wow, could have been my own ex husband after reading that email. They are serial abusers and liars. They aren’t capable of being anything else. I hope you’re out of that situation now.
Ohdarlingsoul, yes I am out of it, but still spinning from it all, a bit…still difficult to comprehend.
Yes, it makes you step back and wonder if any of it was real.
Yes, it hurts, it hurts so bad you feel your heart has been ripped out of your chest… but believe me when I say that, one day, you can read this message and be alright… you loved, that is all that matters… and you will love again.
Thanks, Matilda 🍭🍭 Rejection is easy compared to what the Narcissist does to a person with the way the NPD buildS us up so high, and then pulls the rug out from underneath. I mean, how cruel!
Yes, I know, Claudia… he treats you cruelly because he hates himself, so don’t take it to heart… easier said than done, but we have to detach in order to heal…
Thank you for sharing, Claudia. I can see the ex-N saying the exact words to me if he ever decided to hoover me. The only thing that would be different is he’d call me “Baby” instead of Honey. It would be hard not to believe him, had I never learned what I know now. Now my defenses are up.
I honestly believe my ex Greater narc is praying that I’ll find a new relationship and that he will sleep even sounder knowing I’m with someone else. His discard was so dramatically swift and sudden…like vapor. Even though it was six years the first time and four years 20 years later. After 11 months of zero contact I’m convinced that on the off chance I might enter his mind, he is nothing but grateful and relieved to have slammed the door.