Why Doesn’t He Answer My Text Messages – Part Two
Having explained why the various schools of narcissist fails to respond to your text messages when you are the primary source, it also falls to be considered why this is done with three classes of secondary source namely The Intimate Partner Secondary Source, The Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Partner Secondary Source.
The Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”)
This person is either somebody who is being seduced by our kind for the purposes of being promoted to become the new primary source at the appropriate time or is someone who has not secured the promotion but is someone we regard as too valuable to discard. Accordingly, the IPSS might be someone who is “on the up” in terms of seduction as we look to ensure they will be a reliable and high-functioning primary source or it might be someone who did not make ‘the cut’ but since we have invested time and effort in them and their fuel (plus other benefits) they are still of use to us. So, what does it mean if we are not responding to your text messages when you are the IPSS?
During Initial Seduction
It is the IPSS who experiences the most intense of seductions. You will have begun as a tertiary source, a stranger who has been targeted for your potential. You are therefore very quickly promoted to a secondary source and since sex is such a weapon of mass seduction, you will have been further promoted to the position of IPSS. As we look to promote you to the primary source, you will experience the love-bombing and the manifestation of our infatuation through the near ceaseless text messaging.
When there is a hiatus in the text messaging this is not a devaluation but is rather done to test you to see how you respond. If you are relaxed about this change, for instance you have grown used to a text always at 8am and then we do not send one, but you do not respond to this failure in any way, we will be disappointed. If however you text us at 8-01 am asking us how we are (your attempt to find out why we have not texted without asking as such) then we will be pleased with your response and in such a circumstance likely to respond immediately again. Any kind of delay in responding or period of silence is done purely to test how quickly you will respond and what you will send in your response to us. This is not devaluation. The delay will only be for a short period of time, a few hours or so, as it is a test and we do not want to risk losing your interest. Accordingly, if you do not respond for a few hours (although this is highly unlikely) we will contact you (if it was a devaluation the silence would continue for far longer). Furthermore, when you do respond, we will reply to you after a handful of your messages in a short time period, again because we do not want to risk losing your interest and we are satisfied that you are responding in the way that we approve of.
During the Golden Period Seduction
If the targeting and the initial seduction proved successful then you will have been promoted from IPSS to primary source and therefore you ought to have regard to the circumstances of this article Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? – Part One
If however you have not been promoted to primary source but you have not been discarded, then we have opted to keep you connected to us as an IPSS. You will be aware that you have not been promoted because we will still see the wife or girlfriend (or if none was ever mentioned) you will not see us as often as you once did during the Initial Seduction. You may think that this is a devaluation. It is not. You are now in the Golden Period Seduction for an IPSS. This means we still regard you as ‘good’, we want your fuel, but unlike a IP Primary Source we will not avail ourselves of the fuel as often. This means that the fuel you provide as a IPSS does not go stale, but rather we intermittently return to you. We in effect keep you hanging on, future-faking as to what might happen but we have no intention of promoting you (just yet although circumstances may change further down the line) since we deemed you not to make the grade.
What will be happening now is that we will
a. Continue with the devaluation of the primary source;
b. Continue to engage with you as an IPSS; and
c. We will be engaging with another IPSS in the Initial Seduction Period
Accordingly, when your messages are not being returned in these circumstances again it is not because of a devaluation but it is because we have ‘put you back on the shelf’ and we are engaging with the primary source and/or new IPSS who we are looking to promote. You remain of use to us but this is an intermittent use.
Understand therefore that the silences (and they can be protracted) are not because we have turned against you, but because we are busy elsewhere. You may notice that you do receive some replies but they are short and perfunctory in nature
“Busy. Will call later.”
“Can’t talk. Meeting.”
“Busy but miss you.”
“Tied up but will message later.”
These crumbs of comfort are provided because we do not want to lose you, we enjoy the fuel that is received from you messaging us and because you remain in the Seduction Golden Period we have no need to devalue you, it just is not your turn to have time with us.
You can find yourself held in this position for a very long time. Not good enough to become the primary source but not bad enough to devalue and discard.
The Devaluation
The Devaluation of an IPSS is rare because we like to keep you around as a reliable and occasional fuel provider. We invested time in you and because you function whenever we turn to you (you are delighted to gain some time with us at last) your fuel always appears potent to us, thus we have no need to devalue.
Devaluation would only take place if you began to refuse to see us when we decided it was time to pay you a visit or you no longer provided us with fuel. Once this has happened we consider you to be a malfunctioning IPSS and we will devalue you. This means that we will ignore your text messages, you will not get crumbs of comfort and the period of ignoring you will be extensive until we do decide to respond. The response will be malign in nature. Thus if you are an IPSS you will know that:-
a. Extensive delays to reply to your repeated messages; and
b. When the response finally comes it is malign in nature
means that you are being devalued.
The Discard
In the rare event that you have been discarded as an IPSS then you are immediately painted black and it is as if you do not exist. We do not regard you as even worth bothering with for negative fuel (although of course we will still derive some from your messages but we will not prod you for more) and therefore if you do not get a reply to your text messages begging for a reply and an explanation, it is because we regard you as an irritation, beneath dealing with and in all likelihood you will end up blocked.
The Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”)
The DSIPSS is the person who is kept hidden away but is dipped into for excellent fuel with considerable regularity ( see more Dirty Little Secret )
The Initial Seduction Period
This will be intense in a similar way to that described above as concerning the IPSS. There is unlikely to be any delay in replying to text messages because there is no need to test you. Your role has been decided on as DSIPSS and you will never become the primary source. Your function is to be available at a set time or times each week for those secret trysts where the clandestine nature of the connection increases the potency of the fuel since you are likely to be The Other Woman. As we embed you (and do so quickly) into this role we will respond to your messages because we do not want to:-
a. Risk losing you; and
b. You trying to contact other people you may know mutually which then risks exposing our dirty secret
thus there will be no failure to reply.
The Seduction Golden Period
Just like the IPSS you are slotted into a longstanding golden period because you are used intermittently. Whilst kept secret, you will be seen more often than an IPSS who is in the Seduction Golden Period. That IPSS has failed to become the primary source but is kept and strung along for future use. You were never going to be the primary source and you are seen more often because the nature of your fuel is a two hour fuel injection before we disappear back to the primary source.
It is the nature of the DSIPSS that because they know of the primary source, they are less likely to badger us through messages. There will not be any intentional failure to respond to the messages of the DSIPSS and often the reply will explain why we cannot speak or message at length but the content of the message will be complimentary, encouraging and contain future faking, whilst slating the primary source,amounted to improved crumbs of comfort. Indeed there will often be an explanation given to explain when we are next available (the IPSS would not be afforded this)
“Can’t message for long, got to take the witch to her friends so will message you around 8pm, can’t wait to kiss you again.”
“Difficult to text, she is still here. Will message again as soon as I can. Really missing you and want to show you just how much asap.”
“Hi sex machine, stuck at present, will msg after 6pm xxxxxxxxxxx”
Thus if you find that your messages are always answered, your expectations managed and you know there is a primary source involved, you are a DSIPSS who is in the lengthy seduction golden period.
The Devaluation
It is very rare for a DSIPSS to be devalued because of their compliance, acceptance of their role and the delicious turbo boost of fuel which they provide every so often. We do not become bored of the DSIPSS’ fuel and devaluation would only take place if the DSIPSS eventually decides that he or she wants more or tires of their role, in effect working out that they are just a dirty little secret. If there are demands for more time, threats to expose the arrangement or the fuel is diminished then we may apply some more sugar to calm the situation, but if this is unlikely to work then we will turn to threats and devaluation. We will then cut the DSIPSS adrift and make them persona non grata. We will not respond to any of the messages for a long time and once we do the response will be savage, malign and threatening in order to ensure that the DSIPSS stays silent.
The Discard
Just like the IPSS, the discard is rare, but if it does happen, your messages will be ignored because not only are you painted black by us, we wish you would just disappear because as a DSIPSS you have the potential to cause us problems. By not answering we are denying your existence. We are unlikely to block you because we want to keep an eye on what you are doing in case it proves necessary to dole out a malign follow-up hoover in order to keep you in line, but we will monitor your texts but not reply. We are no longer as interested in your fuel, but it is rather the reaction of wishing you would just go away and let us get on with our machinations in peace.
The Non-Intimate Secondary Source (“NISS”)
This will include inner and outer circle friends along with colleagues.
The Initial Seduction
This happens quickly as it does not take too much effort to bind this person to us as friend or colleague as a NISS and the reality is that there is unlikely to ever be an occasion, or indeed time for a failure to respond to the text messages occurring.
The Seduction Golden Period
As explained elsewhere, the NISS enjoys a near permanent golden period because their fuel is only relied on intermittently and thus remains potent. The NISS is also often very loyal and receives bribing benefits from our kind, so the seduction golden period will continue for a long time.
If there is a failure to reply to text messages it is because we are busy about something else. The NISS whilst important to us, is expendable and therefore the messages of a NISS will not be treated with priority. The fuel obtained whilst good, is not the highest and generally, in tandem with our concept of superiority and control, consider that the NISS once bound is not going to become disloyal because we have been slow to respond to text messages. We take the view that they will conclude we are just busy and they will patiently wait for a reply. We have no need to rush and no need to devalue them during this stage. Accordingly, if you are a NISS and your messages are not being responded to, it is because we are busy doing something else and you are not a priority.
The Devaluation
The devaluation of a NISS is very rare, but if it does happen then the failure to respond will be elongated in time, with many messages piling up unanswered before we eventually respond with a scathing put down. There will be no words of comfort, no excuses offered but an unpleasant reply designed to draw fuel from you.
The Discard
The discard of a NISS is also rare but if it does happen, it is as if you are struck from the record, made persona non grata and in all likelihood you will be blocked. We freeze you out and no doubt have already replaced you with someone else. Your messages seeking explanations and reconciliation will be unheeded and indeed in many instances not even yet, such is your inferior status to us.
52 thoughts on “Why Doesn’t He Answer My Text Messages – Part Two”
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Wow. I thought I had read everything but these posts about text messages are just so crazily like what I have experienced over the past two years that I am gobsmacked. I know my narc is a narc – I believe a mid-range or higher. But I’m only now realizing that every little thing he does has a purpose.
I was extremely attached to him but we were often apart or out of contact for months (I alternated between being his DSIPSS and his ‘alt-wife,’ as I call it). He would stalk me online so that I would know it was him, and sooner or later, one of us would break. Recently, after six months NC, I broke and contacted him. He wanted me back, but I said no. He seemed to need me, however, so I thought we could try to be friends. But he engages in the exact same behaviors that he did when we were lovers, which I guess is his attempt to continue to suck me back in. The chemistry between us is still quite strong, and I don’t think he can believe that I don’t want an intimate relationship with him.
Two days ago I finally got fed up and told him that he is a sociopath. I thought he would disappear but he hasn’t.
Question: If he continues to contact me, is there any point in trying to convince him to seek help? He listens to me, even though he acts like he doesn’t, and he respects my intellect, even if he doesn’t respect my personhood. I don’t hate him and I don’t think he is evil. I see a broken child. What do I do?
Thank you for this site and for answering questions!
You are welcome SMH, thank you for the courtesy of your appreciation.
There is no point. Establish a robust no contact regime instead.
OK thanks. He will always be able to find me, as I am a quasi-public figure. I’ll just have to do my best to not respond. Actually, he sometimes counts on his own silence to get me to respond and it has worked in the past!! Really twisted. This time, I am a step ahead of him but this is the umpteenth time I have ‘escaped’ only to be directly hoovered back in or to let curiosity get the better of me. It all fascinates me too much. Game of cat and mouse…
I’m a DSIPSS. A few months ago he disappeared for 3 weeks. I got a goodbye text and instructions not to contact him. He said he needed some space and he would contact me by a certain date and if I reached out before then, I’d never hear from him again. I did as he asked, and he came back a week before his imposed date. Prior to that, there was some clear devaluation, lots of put downs and insults. Since he came back, he has been extremely loving and kind, zero devaluation I saw him on Wednesday and he said a lot of loving things, beyond what he has said before. The last few days have been great, he’s talked a lot about what happened on Wednesday in positive terms. He disappeared last night. I thought he fell asleep, no message this morning, my morning message was delivered but not read. When I texted once more in the afternoon, it doesn’t deliver. Phone goes to voicemail. Is he gone for good this time? What should I do next….
I just told my family I will be leaving the States in one week to go back home to him.
I know what he is every time I read more HG I cry but understand a little more. Every one here thinks I’m crazy to go back. But there not the ones who live my life. I do. And I love him ( I’m 43 years old out side of family he is the only one I have ever said those three very special words to , I believe you never say those three words lightly and never take them lightly those three words go soul deep) , I understand what my life will be like but I also know there is hope and chance that I’ll have many good days with him as well. And I miss him so much. When you love someone you are suppose to take not only all there good points but there bad too.
I remember the first time I crossed the ocean to be with Him. I had not yet meet him in person we had been talking online for about a year . I had never been on a plane before , never been outside my own state much less outside the united States.
But I did it and have lived there every since. He could have done me harm the very day I landed but he didn’t he hugged me and was so happy just as I was. I trust him with my life and have never put that much trust in anyone out side of family.
He is my heart.
After reading up on dirty little secrets (what I was to my N) it seems I’m in the minority on being discarded, and so quickly. My golden period was incredibly short; less than a month. Then I was discarded very suddenly after our affair lasted only a month.
Reading here it seems the N would love this type of fuel, especially because I knew I was just a side piece and I wanted that, in fact. I was married too, so I was totally okay with not seeing him often.
I guess I’m really confused about why he’d ditch me and my fuel. I will admit… it is an ego thing because I’ve always been the one to have the upper hand in relationships. I’m attractive and I’m used to getting what I want. I didn’t even really want him at first, so the fact that he ditched me gets under my skin. His current girlfriend and his previous one are not very attractive; he is much more attractive than they are (I’m wondering if he does this on purpose when selecting an IPPS). I’m just not understanding what happened, especially after everything I read makes it seem that what happened to me was rare.
I’m wondering if I angered him in some way, and he wanted to “punish” me. I was a ready and willing participant for some regular, secret hot sex on the side. What the hell happened?
Hi HG,
I would like to know is it possible to be just friends with a narc (opposite sex)?
I’ve been through a narc relationship which ended over a year ago and thought I had got myself together, was happy on my own, then, yes, met a new man who I think could be a narc. Being much much more aware now I know the signs but still feel drawn to him. So far have managed to keep it only friendly. He doesn’t live close so much easier! Have had the no reply to texts which hasn’t bothered me too much as I’m not too involved , but as we have a lot in common am tempted to keep in touch with him.
At first I had all the stuff about he wants to move closer, we could buy a house together etc. (after only meeting 3 times!)To my shame I started to get caught up in it all, which has led me here!
I haven’t really had the love bombing, in fact he’s been critical of where I live, the clothes I wear, my hobbies etc. When I called him up on that he said he’s “helping” me.
He has said he’s not interested in just a friendship and things have cooled off, but I’m finding it really hard to stop all contact completely as I’m thinking is it my fear from the last relationship or is it my intuition telling me something’s not right. He tried to start sexting (sent intimate pic) but I wasn’t going to be drawn into that. I feel like I’m being horrible if I cut him off but that’s how you play us isn’t it? It’s amazing how well you seem to know us right from the outset.
It really is fascinating (and scary!) getting all this information from your viewpoint.
Also, you mention somewhere in one of your blogs that if we’re animal lovers (which I am) you know that we will be empathetic and easily taken in. In my case I have a lot of empathy for animals, but not humans. Does that make me slightly narcissistic aswell?
Really interested to hear your thoughts, thanks
Hello Sophie, it is possible to be friends with a narcissist because non-intimate secondary sources have longer golden periods. If you have been an IPPS or IPSS and demoted to NISS, you will struggle to remain as a NISS because you will want the intimate side back again and the narcissist will use that intimacy as a means of control and fuel.
If there has never been any intimacy, then remaining friends with a narcissist as a NISS is achievable.
Thank you, RR! I appreciate your words of support and encouragement! It’s comforting to know we share so many similar experiences. Hope you feel better soon.
Thank you very much, HG! Much appreciated!
Pleasure.
What an accomplishment IL! I hope I can get to a point of No Contact for that long!!! And wow, sounds so familiar with contacting and tired of it. Be strong, you know he’ll Hoover.
Hi RR. Yes, i’ve been no contact since October. He has a new primary source. Must still be in the golden period. I was a secondary source. We always spoke amicably. I would typically reach out more. He would always respond warmly. I just got tired of initiating communication. If he wants my fuel, let him come and get it. I am starting to feel stronger. Amazing what no contact does. My head is clearer. The longing has decreased. The pain has subsided. It still hurts at times but not nearly as much as it used to. Thank you for asking!
Thank you IL. It’s really sad and disturbing to see how many people are going through this. So are you in No Contact with your N? And if so how long and has he tried to reach out?
Thank you, RR. I appreciate you sharing your story. I recognize a lot of similarities. I also thought he was emotionally unavailable until more signs emerged that pointed straight to him being a narc. Yes, the hardest part is that it’s all just an illusion. All the best to you on your healing journey.
Dear Disillusioned27, Thank you for taking the time to share your story. My heart is going out to you. This must have been very traumatic for you. I don’t know if this is helpful at all but indeed he sounds like a narc as all the behaviors are there in your story. As you know, there is no happy ending with a narc. I don’t care how happy they look in all those pictures. He is granting her a respite and is trying to calm things down with his wife. For some reason, he was not convinced you could replace her as the primary source. So he was stringing you along. Perhaps, he was still testing you to see if you could pass the muster. Because a narc has to have absolute control of the situation, I think he got pissed that the situation got out of control. He has to be the one to call the shots. Perhaps, he felt you were not following his lead and his terms but tried to expedite the outcome you wanted. The situation was not going in the direction he wanted. It was rapidly deteriorating. He had to do damage control and fast to stay in his wife’s good graces. This is my speculation based on what I read here on this site. HG, I don’t mean to steal your spotlight by providing my insight here. On the contrary, I am attributing my knowledge and understanding to your insightful and enlightening writing. Dear Disillusioned27, just remember, as I said earlier, there’s no happy ending with a narc. You must stay away from him. He is dangerous and toxic to you, your body, mind, and soul. There’s no other way to heal the pain but to go through and feel it. It gets better. It gets easier. The fog lifts. The hold he has over you will loosen. You will start seeing things more clearly. Logic and rational thought start pushing away emotions. You start feeling stronger and happier. I promise. Hang in there but stay away from him. I am here. I am willing to listen. Share with me if it brings you relief. Learn from HG. Stay here. Read, ask, comment. Hugs
IL… Thank you so much!! I need to hear it gets better. What sucks is I’ve been down this road before. It got better but it took years and I don’t want to invest that kind of time in him anymore. My head knows so much and I try explaining it to my heart. Thank you for your support. It means so much
Thank you for sharing your story, RR! I recall reading in one of your posts that he is getting a divorce from his wife. Correct?
Well, depending on how things progress with his new interest, you may have to wait on the shelf for a while. Did you ever ask him or express your interest in being the primary? How did you figure out he was a narc? What are you hoping for now? I hope you don’t mind me asking but please feel free to only answer to the extent you are comfortable. Very best!
Hi IL! I don’t mind answering your questions. Yes, he is supposedly getting divorced. Somehow, the papers were never filed in December. So he’s starting all over. This was told to me 2 weeks ago, whatever. I did express that I wanted to be with him. I got I’m getting out of a 16 yr bad marriage and you don’t live here(I’m 14 hrs away by car). And then while he was in devaluation mode, he told me he didn’t want responsibility of my children, he has his own. Big red flag there, since he knew I had kids from the beginning. I didn’t realize at first what was going on, I thought he was emotionally unavailable because he had dealt with a crazy wife for so long, that’s how he constantly referred to her, another red flag. I was receiving hot/cold. He was very into working out and if I thought he was attractive, another red flag. Plans would change when I suppose to see him and I could tell he hated intimacy near the end. He would say he doesn’t do serious, hmm okay. I started researching and reading about narcissism. And a light went off. He is definitely a somatic narcissist. I think upper mid range from what I can gather. As far as what I want now, well I am processing everything. We have quite the history. Dated for 4 yrs when we were teenagers. I know why he is the way he is from his bad childhood. The Empath in me wants to be there, love him and help him. But I know now, he’ll never change. And when he reached out 6 months ago after 20 yrs apart, I thought it was some special reunion. It was not, just fuel from one of his old appliances. I’ve backed off a lot and know I need to go full no contact. It’s hard because I want the truth and closure from him. We have lots of mutal friends, he still lives where I grew up and I go there a few times a year. I’m working on letting go for good thanks to HG and all the stories on this website. It was all an illusion after all, which is just so heartbreaking.
@Clarece. You are right: there’s a lot of superficiality out there. Incidentally, as you may already be aware, “I don’t know what I want” is a classic sign of emotional unavailability and most likely NPD. Kudos for breaking things off quickly. I know it may sound old-fashioned but I truly believe this: a great way to weed out players, narcs, and other bad actors is to keep the gift of sex for someone special and serious. Women jump in bed way too quickly nowadays. The old saying about free milk without having to buy a cow is still valid. Very best to you!
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Makes sense. I appreciate it! Many thanks!
Hi IL! I have no problem sharing my story with you. Hopefully it can help;). I’m for sure an IPSS was the the IPPS for a short time as I am long distance. He needs face to face all the time for a Primary. In the last 2 wks I’ve been shelfed in the manner of the flirty behavior has stopped and not hearing from him as much or very short conversations. I told him last week I was backing off. He gave me the silent treatment for 3 days and reached out, but it was for triangulation. He admitted he’s dating someone else, so he is fully seducing her and giving her the golden period. I didn’t give him any reaction to his wonderful news. So as of today nothing from him, I’m not reaching out either. So who knows what he’ll pull next. I’m not being my normal self messaging him and chasing him. Fuel is on E over here;).
Disillusioned – Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Sometimes I still shake my head that there are actually people out there like that. 🙁
Thank you very much, HG! Very helpful and insightful as always. We are truly fortunate to be able to seek understanding and clarification from your great mind. So if the shelved IPSS is not reaching out but instead is waiting for the narcissist to contact her, especially, if she used to initiate contact, will the narcissist think she lost interest or due to entitlement and superiority mindset, he will not be thinking this way? I appreciate it!
He will be concentrating on the IPPS (or a different IPSS) and when he decided he will return to the original IPSS unless she prompts contact then the response is as described.
I was an IPSS. Almost got upgraded to primary but I misbehaved and got discarded. HG, you say it is rare for an IPSS to get discarded. What could I have done so wrong? Is it bc I exposed him to his family? Is it bc I became argumentative? I feel so rejected and now even more so finding out how rare it is for someone in my role to be discarded.
The reasons would be
1. Fuel cessation;
2. Exposure;
3. repeated challenging
4. Wounding
5. Failure to provide residual benefits any longer
How do you know for sure you were discarded? What happened?
He told me he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Went on a smear campaign against me. Blocked me from all contact and ignored my attempts to contact before I was blocked. He has returned to his wife. She found out about me and threatened to leave. She hasn’t left. Is that a respite or a new golden period? He never discarded her completely. It has been 6 weeks since I’ve heard a word.
Respite period.
What is the main difference between a respite and a golden period? Respite is shorter?
The golden period covers the initial seduction and then the embedded period through continuing seduction.
The respite restores a golden period during devaluation and is generally of a shorter duration.
I do find it interesting though that his children do seem to be a concern of his as if he is actually capable of feeling empathy (he has 6 kids but only seems to care about the two girls, the other being boys). What is your take on that, HG? Can he truly care for them? He claims to have felt guilt for hurting them and does spend considerable time with them even though he is very hard on the boys.
No he does not and he will be treating two as golden children and the others as scapegoats.
Does it matter if even if wounding and/ or challenging may have taken place, it was quickly followed by apologies, compliance, and adoration? Thank you, HG!
That has a good chance of healing the wound promptly because all of those are fuel.
Hi Disillusioned27, sorry to hear you feel rejected and in pain. Do you mind sharing what went on and what you did that you believe was the basis for this discard?
This man and I dated years ago in college. We went our separate ways due to me moving after only knowing each other for a few months. I had no idea what I was dealing with then as it was only good but he did rush things. Fast forward 14 years… Yes, 14 years and not a word. Then out of the blue an email at my work asking “is this you?” We started a friendship that blossomed into a 6 month long distance affair. Love bombing, future faking. All of it. I was his souls mate. He had thought of me all those years, etc. We were going to be together when the time was right. Then started the devaluing. I had never known anything like this so I had no idea what was happening. He started contacting less, work was “crazy”. His wife got “sick”. Then he just disappeared. I would reach out occasionally and get a cold, robotic response. I had no idea what happened.
Then stupidly, 3 years later, I reached out. Just to see how he was and to prove how strong I was. To tell him about himself, how good I looked now. I got sucked back in. A seventeen month love affair with the same promises. He was going to leave “after the holidays” and we were going to start our life together. He told his 20 year old daughter about me but he claims she asked him not to tell his wife (her stepmother) but just leave. He said she supported his choice. The next day he calls and said, “she found out about you”. A blow up ensued. Things were thrown. She texted me and said she wanted the truth. I sent her pictures of us together. He said I “should’ve let him handle it.” He cut me off for a couple of days. This was early November. Then he reached out again and said he was staying through Christmas and he still wanted to talk to me but I had to promise to keep it a secret bc his daughter asked him to cut it off with me. I agreed and kissed his ass while he blamed me for hurting his kids and ruining his life. He said if I stayed out of it, he could’ve made it so others didn’t get hurt. He made me feel like a horrible person, accused ME of being a narcissist. When I finally said I had enough he started being sweet again. Then New Year’s Eve I got a text from the 20 year old daughter asking if we were still in touch. I said we had been. After that, I never heard another word from him. Only heard from a mutual friend that he was saying I am a “crazy stalker”. I tried texting him to ask why he would say such things and I am blocked. Now his wife is posting pics of the two of them all over social media like they are the happiest couple ever.
Thank you for asking and letting me tell my story! This forum has kept me sane
I feel the same, if it’s so “rare” am I that awful? Or am I that great! Ha ha. ( But I guess I’d be called a “DLSIPSS” (did I get that right, HG?).
Question HG. So I’m for sure on the shelf right. Little crumbs daily. I’m for sure a IPSS. Will he ever come back and try the I miss you and when can I see you again(long distance) or will he just never go away and be annoying;). Thank you!!!
If you are an IPSS you will be taken off the shelf in due course.
I am confused. I thought when the IPSS is on the shelf, it’s likely she will hear nothing as the narc is pre-occupied with the primary source or another IPSS marked for promotion to primary. Red Rider says she hears from the narc daily. Doesn’t sound like being on the shelf. Could you please shed some light, HG? Thank you very much!
Hello IL, you are partially correct. It may be the case that the IPSS is placed on the shelf and hears nothing because
a. The narcissist has embarked on the golden period with a newly ensnared (and fresh) IPPS ; or
b. He has granted a respite period to the IPPS
If the IPSS receives responses from the narcissist, this is usually because the IPSS is trying to maintain contact with the narcissist. If the victim has been an IPPS and has been discarded, such contact leads to a polite rebuttal and then malign hoovers because that discarded former IPPS is regarded as trouble maker.
Someone who is an IPSS who has NOT been the IPPS (yet or ever) is deemed useful still and may well be given comfort crumbs, future faking etc to keep them interested but at arms length during the golden period. We do not want you at that point but do not want to lose you. This is described in ‘What Am To Him’ so this may well be the situation with RR.
I found this piece infuriating to get through. I had to come back to it 3 times. This actually sounds like 3/4 of men in general out there, especially online, no matter the age. For me, it’s as if I’m auditioning for the role of a lifetime. Oh how will I be cast? DSIPSS, IPSS, IPPS? Let’s see…am I just good for a 2-hour potent fuel injection on his timetable or terms? Or do I have the right traits (qualifications) to get the leading role of IP? Again, all determined by him. The casting director. Ugh!
I mean, it’s spot on and great writing. I just think a lot of what friends and myself have been exposed to in recent years being single, this applies, taking out the narcissism angle.
You mention how you get infuriated with the bad relationship advice out there (rightfully so). This piece could probably be easily found in an issue of Cosmo or Redbook as a standalone piece just written by the male perspective.
Auditioning! Great way of describing this madness, Clarece! 😀
I am sometimes wondering what brought this about. Is it the instant gratification that is promised every step you take, the consumer attitude, the throw-away mentality? Are we faced with too many options these days to make a definite choice? Was it any different with our parents and grandparents, or did they just stay together due to societal or economic forces? Puzzling.
I truly believe it was very different with our parents and grandparents. When you remove technology, which they did not have that medium for communication or searching for potential people to date, they were limited strictly to their neighborhoods within so many miles to include school, work, church social circles. That was it. Add in social norms placing a huge stigma on bastard babies born out of wedlock bringing shame on a family and divorce as an epic fail, Narcs had a much smaller pool and had to be way more discreet. My mom and my Aunt for example were also raised that it would be very much frowned upon if they were to become “old maids” and they were expected to only leave home once they got married. My mom wanted to move in with a girlfriend a couple years after high school and my grandmother forbid it saying “only ‘bad’ girls moved out without a husband”. I don’t think my mom was alone in dealing with that mindset from her parents. Many women, the only way they could finally “spread their wings” was to leave one home (parents) and make their own home but with a husband. Then comes kids. Then comes mid-life crisis in their 40’s wondering why they were pushed around for most of their adult life.
I have joked with friends that nowadays, you can be on a date with someone and they can be swiping left or right on Tinder under the table lining up someone for later on in the evening when they drop you off. Someone upsets you, just delete them out of your phone like they never existed. Poof gone. My friends with kids in their early 20’s still in college or just out, have to literally coach and pep talk them if their child has to actually make a real phone call to someone like a future landlord or employer. They freak if they can’t just send a text.
Sadly, things are much more superficial and one dimensional now. No one wants to deal with any kind of confrontation or depth. I tried briefly dating someone last fall. It lasted about a month. He kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted yet he wanted things to progress in the bedroom. After the third time he said he didn’t know what he wanted, I was done. Old me would have kept trying and giving him time and showing how patient I could be. F*ck that now. I’m so glad I stopped. Saved a lot of wasted time, energy and heartbreak on that one. Still using this time to fully recover from JN anyways.
Yes, technology has changed the dating game dramatically, and not necessarily for the better.
“only ‘bad’ girls moved out without a husband”
As if a piece of paper and a ring has ever made any difference as to how people lead their lives! 🙂 Marriage, and the appearance of respectability – what a great cover for the bad ones…
Yes, of course, he only knows what he wants if it *suits* him! Everything else is a mix of excuses and lies. Well done for standing your ground! I have heard enough silly excuses for two lives. If I ever come across such a guy again, I will lose it right then and there! And I will not care about how it looks. 😀
Nice one MLAC.
I was and continue to audition for the roles of brilliant/villainous daughter. Along with bit parts of the best/worst sister, aunt. I quit acting though and went with music instead and No Contact. Thanks HG. The funny thing is that over at their houses I continue to flip to black then white. No fun casting the roles by themselves but they still do. Weird.
“We do not become bored of the DSIPSS’ fuel ”
Oh-oh, a lot of DSIPSS’s will be created now.
LOL