No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
72 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
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Yep yep yep! Duh! So damned true. He gave me gorgeous bedside lights while in the golden period. I loved them. Now nearly 3 years later, in one of the many hoover letters, these lights get a mention. WTF? Now it makes sense. Yes yes yes, I know I can be a bit slow on the obvious, but holy crap HONESTLY??? Like REALLY???
ffs!! Out they go then……sheesh!
Thanks HG…
I contacted mine a year and a half after split thought we could be just friends but he hoovered well and I fell again he was homeless before Xmas crying literally so I let him stay. Big mistake. My son ran around Xmas day dropped him off to see his kids he bought his ex a present but not me ate drank skint me out! Then starts taking her out behind my back lied about owning a garage lied about everything! Had his belongings here not much for 6 weeks now I said he could have it if paid some money owed or get police (after he had hit me) to be present and he collect it. Well he chose police and mutual time got a friend of his to do then neither turned up! Well then he hoovered me last week got in door took tools left clothes and pics now he was vile again so put bags at front door photo it sent it didn’t turn up after 2 days, now I said enough it’s in the bin ( it’s not) what happens he kicked off wants it all of sudden what do I do he in my head one min I’m so angry then feel sorry for him let him back I’m broken and acting crazy now
Question…how do you see so far into the victim’s mind?
Years of practice, observation and inherent natural ability. I must win and to win you have to be the best. This is not a rehearsal.
He told from the onset of meeting him that he is a keen observer, he was known to his friends to be at a bar and hear conversations between people at a distance. He would study everyone of interest. I didn’t pick up on any of this as odd, I was drawn to it
Hi I wish you could answer me , I mow your busy. But I’m kinda confused. I know you won’t feel empathy for me . But loved to have your insights . When a narc says to me I act and think I am untouchable ? What does it mean when says that in raging mood?
You have your answer Ashley.
I got rid of everything that had sentimental value. There are a few things I have, one of which I can’t get rid of (peep hole he installed in my front door for safety sake and can now be used against him if he ever tries to hoover in the future). I also kept a nice set of tools he bought for me when I purchased my town home and a birdbath I purchased with a gift card he gave to me. These things have absolutely no sentimental value to me.
I often wonder, HG, do you think reading your blog every day is in a way keeping the ghost alive? I try not to think of it that way because I’m learning so much by being here, but at the same time, it does make me think of him all the time.
One might argue that it is but at the end of the day the benefits in reading here far outweigh keeping the ghost alive. If you did not read here, you would be making far graver mistakes. By being reminded of your narcissist when reading here it is done in a way that you are not looking at them in a golden way but instead being reminded just how damaging your ensnarement was. My words stop you drifting into complacency.
I agree! Thank you, HG. 🙂
I appreciate most of all the advice you provide. Such as the one about dealing with a sulk, and not talking about your narc or keeping any objects that hold memories.
Any advice is very gratefully received.
Hello Bravehart!!!!
I have thought the same thing but I am still learning and I need the daily reminders of why I should stay far away from my ex.
Even though I think of her it continues to help me get all my emotions out. I still need to cry and if I didn’t have this forum it would be all bottled up because no one else wants to hear that I’m still crying over her on some days. I have no one else to talk to except my counselor and that’s only one day a week.
Not near enough. lol
This is the first place I come to if I need to ask questions, vent, to be emotional, and to get the brutal truth.
I stopped journaling as soon as I started writing here and the topics here often coincide with what I talk about in therapy.
My counselor even encouraged me to write about how I feel about purging some things on this blog and up popped HG’s article about sentimental things. I will be going over his series of Hoover mistakes this week with her.
He is sooooo good. Lol
Hope you are doing ok and sending you hugs ❤️🍎❤️
I dont think getting rid of these items and a couple of belongings he left of his would make any difference . Since texting me its over 5 week ago and blocking me from everything (its been no contact on his part ) all ive done is think about him , my brains not giving me a second to thnk about anything else, when im at work , when im with friends, visiting relatives, shopping, icmt switch off , and when im asleep i dream about him .When am i gonna feel normal again .
I kept the gold unicorn brooch and the two other ones that are very nice too. At first I wanted them gone and but I held fast and now I have 3 beautiful pins for my coats and I feel nothing to wear them.
It is just material possesions with no attachments. No strings to my emotions.
HG, I’ve a question for you if I may?
My ex, who i now clearly see as a Narcissist, married me…why would he do that? I actually recall him saying before we married that he didn’t end relationships, he just ignored the partner or became so unbearable that they quit first…sadly I thought nothing of his comment at the time. I wasn’t seeking marriage, in fact the first time he asked I said no as it was only 6 months into the relationship. Can you offer any insight? Thank you in advance
Hello Sweetsoul, to fuel, to bind you to him, for the sake of appearance for the facade.
It just seems such an extreme step to take given he was getting what he needed anyway. I believe I prompted the discard by calling him out on his actions 7 months before the final act took place…after he had set up his next primary source of course.
I find your writings fascinating. Once the first few dreadful months had passed and I fully realised just what I had been involved with I read and read on the subject of your kind, your writing adds that extra personal touch that really helps to combine all the little learnings into one big pile of knowledge & understanding. Thank you
You are welcome.
Spot on! I’ve been asked why I’m selling a pair of beautiful diamond earrings…he ‘bought’ them for me, but with my money. Every time I see them it reminds me, they’ve got to go.
It is difficult to get rid of everything… just as you would not want to remove all that reminds you of a loved one who passed away… it is not about him anymore… it gives me solace, knowing I once loved fully, and faith in what is to come.
I really relate to this… I have let many things go. Some things I still have not yet. I do in a sense want some small memories that I gave my damned best for this man.
Hg, I know I shouldn’t contact. I have stuff. I dont feel right throwing it away or keeping it because it is simply not mine. It is his. I dont want him to have any reason in my own power for him to use against me.
I want to continue to do the best I can at being decent. It’s not “right” to not give it back.
No matter what. We will all have memories of our entanglements and not just that of our experiences with the narcissistic relationship. HG as you clearly state. There are two perspectives. Even though there will be, I believe triggers that will always jog the mind. I have compartmentalized the reality of events. Mine genuine feelings and emotions, hers a big lie …all of it! We exchanged gifts (which) are now removed or discarded. It took some time to let go. But, how I processed and let go, was based on one very simple decision. Material items hold no value if the intent was malicious. That shit’s long gone!
He sent me a gift with his perfume sprayed on it. I need to throw it away. Whenever I smell the fragrance, I wonder why I had thought it so wonderful when he first sent it to me. Now it just smells like Man-Whore… very musky, and too icky sweet.
I have boxed all 4 things he gave me during our 5 yr entanglement… I am considering having a burning of the box ceremony once the fire bans are over… and post photos to his social media walls.
or… posting said box to his new lovenest
Hi nanajaqui.
By all means burn everything, but if you post post photo’s to him or the box you will only provide him with negative fuel, sadly .
Not So Sad, this true…
I will simply burn it for my own sake. For my own closure.
I actually like the new look. I do miss the snow. How about blossoming flames for spring 🔥🌹🔥🌹? Or am I back in naughty dungeon? 🐉
I agree Indy I like the new look to, stands out!
Oh and for whatever it’s worth , I like the old “EVIL” picture better 🙃
Well at least I did one thing right 🙄. I was abruptly discarded, called him and he had his new girlfriend answer his phone. Talk about a knife in the heart. No warning whatsoever and I’m a very observant person. But I packed up everything he’d had given me plus pictures etc. put them in a box and mailed them to Him. When he received it he called …”why did you send all of these back?” I said ” what’s the point in keeping them?” He was really taken back that I had done that.
Of course I cried for 3 months.
GREAT ARTICLE, GREAT ADVICE!!!
HG, why do you think it bothered him?
Hello Susan, thank you. It bothered him because it was seen by him as a criticism and we hate criticism as it wounds us.
Wouldnt this action wound or hurt a normal or empath as well? I would be devastated to have stuff returned to me.
Nick also would kindly tell me he didnt appreciate me dropping the stuff off. That it hurts to know it is ending. (Plausible. Of course it would hurt). But again… he used his words so well.. I cant describe it.
Of course such actions will be hurtful to the victim, but I do not talk about them being wounded because that will start to confuse matters. When I refer to Wounding, this is in the context of what happens TO the narcissist, not the victim. The distinction is important for the sake of clarity.
honestyrocks777,
“Nick also would kindly tell me he didnt appreciate me dropping the stuff off.”
You’re fortunate that you were kindly told.
After many games of me arranging to set out or get my ex’s stuff to him – and his neglect in following through to collect his belongings (despite being the one to ASK for them), I finally just took the stuff to a seperate (neutral) third party and left it there for him to get.
When I told him (via text) where his stuff was and that he could pick it up on his own – he lashed out verbally and DEMANDED that I go get it and bring it *back* to my place.
It was wounding and a huge criticism to him – plus, I took away his power to continue to converse with me about it.
A normal or empath may feel hurt by having their things returned but they would mostly likely just accept them back without much complaint.
I still have some things of his because when I escaped he told me I had stuff over there of mine and I just told him to keep it and I didn’t even think about the stuff he had or the stuff I’m still finding here and I don’t feel right keeping it or throwing away because it is not mine I posted on a different topic that I still want to do what is right so that way he cannot use at least that against me and also the money he was going to get back may not be a huge deal to others but it is to me part of me thinks if it caused a hover trigger I would deal with it because at least I’m doing what is right and maybe getting my money back
honestyrocks777,
It sounds getting your things back is not a priority, but the other things are an issue.
If I were you, I would call a friend (not now maybe during social distancing) to take his stuff to him, or I would leave it somewhere that he can access himself to retrieve. I wouldn’t keep them in my possession any longer so that he cannot ask you about the topic. As for money – if it were me, again – I would write it off. If that’s not satisfactory then HG has an article somewhere about ‘making a request of a narcissist’ – or you could consult with HG on the topic.
I understand the money issue (believe me) but in my opinion, if could be worth letting it go. But in my situation I wrote off A LOT of things in order to preserve my sanity.
I mean.. its $400. It would take me over a year to save that again lol. For others they may be able to do that in a month or so. Ugh not sure I wanna let that slide
Misti
Just curious – how long ago did you give him the money?
It was in november we went to chicago. I cant say I “gave” it to him. I used some savings to have a getaway so we could relax and just enjoy each other. Upon one of the last times talking he said he would give me half. Why do you ask hun?
honestyrocks777,
I understand. I am on a rather limited income at this time.
But I will say this: the one thing that I have come to learn through this process is that money can always be replaced, more money be found or more money can be made.
In contrast, one’s sanity is a pretty precious commodity.
Nick was good at words. It all made sense. Oh… this might be a distinction.. some was stuff HE gave me. And he would say “dont you know how hurtful it is to see the stuff I gave you sitting out in the rain” which yes it would be hurtful. But probably giving his stuff is different.
Nick was good at words. It all made sense. Oh… this might be a distinction.. some was stuff HE gave me. And he would say “dont you know how hurtful it is to see the stuff I gave you sitting out in the rain” which yes it would be hurtful. But probably giving his stuff is different. I will see if I can find that article about a request of a narcissist
HR777,
Here’s the article:
https://narcsite.com/2019/03/09/how-to-make-a-request-to-a-narcissist-3/
I apologize for the typos.
HG, do you think that since ExN always told me how extremely difficult I was (haha) that I was gotten pregnant on purpose to solidify the Ever Presence? I mean he made it practically to his 30s without one and I’d so why do you think? He told someone short after I delivered that “I could hate him all I wanted but I’ll always see him when I look at her” which is the ABSOLUTE truth as she is his spitting image 😔😂
He saw a greater reason to bind you than other primary sources and his comment was evidence of that binding mentality.
None of his mechanisms really worked on me, he’d do something that was inappropriate and I wouldn’t speak to him for weeks he would always have to beg me to talk to him! He abandoned me when I was pregnant and broke up with him and not once did I call him even when I went into preterm labor and was in the hospital. I think he felt as if that was the only way to bind (break) me because I will lay my life for my children and he knew family is extremely important to me; Everything else I could care less about including him and I made that clear 😂! I told him I was done with him for the last time a little over 3 months ago and he hasn’t once reached out about the baby and surelyyy enough I have been feeling like I should contact him bc she is crawling and trying to talk and I want to share that with her Father. But I know he knows my heart and that’s what he is counting on me to do, so I haven’t. That is the only way to get me, through my children. I feel like if he hasn’t cared enough to inquire about her then he must not be concerned. It is hard to fight the urge to contact him at times, She is He and I’ve never been in a situation like this. But given how I had him served with no trespassing and put him on child support he is waiting to burn me GOOD the minute I do. Sorry this was so lengthy lol ☺️ Any ideas why he would have chosen to bind Me, HG?
He will have sought to bind you to him because of your fuel provision, your character traits and/or your residual benefits.
Thank you so much for your feedback HG ☺️
You are welcome PS PK.
Oke, I get it. But…….. what If ‘your kind’ still has My stuff? I know that they steek My attention, they know it’s mine. I also know that when I let them know I want it back they will come up with a nonsens story like that it was a present. Truth is that I had to bye some furniture for My mom’s New home. I still have the cash receipt. Some of the stuff they already sold after My moms recent passing away. Fucking narc sisters. Any suggestions HG?
Hello Ittam,
1. Either write it off;
2. request it back in writing – create a paper trail evidentially and if no result then ask a friend or family member to collect, if no result consider seeking the assistance of the police;
3. Alternatively bring legal proceedings for delivery up or a damages claim for the value of the goods – but keep in mind the cost of doing so and the opportunity this gives our kind for further fuel gathering.
The reality is most of the time you are better served by writing it off and focusing on no contact and moving forward.
Grrr..
Just a week or two before I stopped contacting him I had money saved to go to chicago for a getaway. I always wanted one with him. We went. First he was ok with it. Then as it approached I got the talk on “why do I always take his vacation time and make plans” we almost didnt go because I was so tired of pulling teeth.
Why would he always have issues and tell me I would take his time away? We had a bare minimum relationship anyways.
He told me he would give me half the money. Never got it. 🙁 I could really use it. If I ask and remind him he said he would…what kind of fuel would that be? Or would it criticize him?
But when coming back it was near thanksgiving. He told me he didnt want to see me and had thinking to do. (We just had a discussion about moving) he always tried to get me to move to him. But it was all plausible why it was better for us to go. He told me to “dissect the move like I do everything else” I did. It wouldnt work. Gas money alone would be about 500 a month because of distance from jobs. I’d lose my disability. I d lose our house that the girls and I can count on and if things didnt work we wouldnt have a place to go. I couldnt get the girls to a bus stop because I still wanted to work. I did what he said. And came up with a solution. “We cant move there” we needed another hub. A place not so far from work etc.He would have to come to us. Boy did I hear it from him. I was told I went back on my commitment. I did what he said. I dissected it.
What happened there?
So he didnt want to see us for thanksgiving. I didnt hear from him for a week. At that point I was exhausted. He tried to reach out. I ignored him. And the week after he showed up at my house asking me to take him back. He claims he was trying to get a loan and figuring out how to move.
Is that a grand hoover? And can there be more than 1 grand hoover?
Before we went to chicago he lied to me about his ex shanna. Deleted messages, made me look like the bad guy because I asked to read messages, lied to shanna. I caught it. Broke up with him. We tried to hang out as friends one weekend. He pulled out every stop in the book sexually that I always wanted him to do. It was weird. It wasnt like he was really even present. But out of 2 years this was the best encounter because he finally did a lot of things I wanted to do. Then I cried and asked if we had to break up.
Was that a grand hoover?
Then shortly after I told him I felt bad because we were broke up and I slept with him. That I dont sleep with friends. And he said “misti, you’ve slept with 70 friends” (relating to my promiscuous past) it hurt.
Was that intentional to hurt me again?
I really needed to read this. I have been hanging onto some things. Not many because he never bought me very much. Today has been a bad one..the thoughts of contacting him has been overwhelming at times. Thanks for your posts…sometimes they are what I need.
You are welcome Roxana.
This was one of the most powerful pieces of advise I had read early on from you that really helped me prepare to leave. Its my top three of yours. It was prior to hopping on the blog, when I was just reading books and peeking in on FB. I dumped everything…except the kitty and my engagement ring (which is still hidden and needs selling). I remember you telling me, kitty was ever presence.
However, I did do one thing you did not say to do, which could have had two different effects. One positive and one negative.
Prior to my official leaving, I started leaving the stuff he gave me at his place. Books, art, clothes. Then, I purposefully left stuff to hurt him knowing he would look at it (like MY ever presence). However, I think what I did, (silly me) was set myself up for that intense hoover fest in August (remember the 300 calls/texts week?). I think I kinda set that up unknowingly.
Oh well, brush off the shoulders.
Yes you were entering the spheres of influence through what you did but you have recognised this and learned from it.
It was thought fuel for me hehe
I wonder if I caused a injury when I sent back every last memento? He already had my replacement in play but at that point I had no clue what was wrong? I had already pulled away. Also please tell me when he posted his new love of his life on social media an I only sent a text once congratulating him but nothing else after. Did that cause injury? Thank you for all your blogs,videos they have helped me through pure hell!!!
Oh my, yet I seriously doubt……nope not even letting my imagination go there.
HG, what about you? Did you throw away your trophies?
They are in the Asylum of the Grotesque.
HG, did my therapist call you this week????
This was exactly what we talked about.
This was an excellent article and describes how I feel. We talked about your book “Exorcism” and what I had already gotten rid of and what I was now willing to purge. I still have pictures on my phone and some clothes around my house that she gave me. I also have the jewelry she gave me.
She asked why I still have these I and said I don’t know. I am supposed to pick an item a week and get rid of it.
As usual you can write in a way that makes sense to me and gets through my thick head. I can admit that I’m still emotional when I think of erasing her memory and that’s what hurts.
Even with the thousand reasons why I should hate her and would never go back I don’t want it all to be erased and that’s my confession of the day.
I don’t see me getting rid of the one necklace anytime soon.
I will show my therapist this next week.
I loved every word and I know that it’s 100% the truth. There’s no one else I would believe.
Thank you SW, i appreciate the endorsement.
If that necklace is not gone within 4 weeks I shall be dispatching a lieutenant to take it.
Well you did get me to stop looking at and inquiring about her FB.
I’ve been clean for three weeks now and I don’t miss it.
I will work on the necklace.
I don’t want any visitors.
I do think there was some evil planted in it like a Horcrux.
Does it count that I kept the WoodWick candle with its handy lid to use as an ashtray for outside?
Or the birthday champagne I kept to enjoy when my cousin comes down for a girlie weekend on Saturday?
It’s probably very telling that I was only given things that are consumable and cannot be saved.
It counted until they were gone.
I disagree – just because I kept something doesn’t mean I am holding on to him. Although I will admit to a delicious sense of irony when I use the candle as an ashtray as he hated smoking. (The candle itself has long been burned down – it’s just a handy glass receptacle with a lid)
I had originally planned to save the champagne for us to drink together but then the discard (or putting back on the shelf) happened. I deemed it too frivolous to drink it on my own so, knowing I had this weekend planned with my cousin, decided to save it for then.
I can understand holding on to things for sentimental reasons – I still have the stuffed Tigger that bounces that my ex-husband gave me for my 30th – it’s party because he gave it to me but mostly because it’s Tigger! Who throws away a Tigger! But then he was not a narc….
Flick,
Why would you ever divorce a guy who was a non narc Tigger giver?
Well mostly because he said he didn’t love me anymore. The relationship was untenable after that! 😂
Well done HG. I did imagine the scene in Men In Black where the Edgar alien yells “don’t do it!” at the morgue tech swatting bugs. Seriously, I do agree you should purge. I don’t agree that we remain “created” to gather fuel or be vulnerable. I think we can change if we want to.
I 💜 your use of
icy 🌣 logic 💫 !
Thanks ABB.