The 6 Phases of Fuelling
Fuel is our lifeblood. Whether it is positive fuel from admiration, delight and love or negative fuel from hatred, anger or upset, we want fuel. There are many, many different ways in which we will manipulate you, many different machinations, some wonderful and others terrible, that we will use against you to extract fuel from you. These different methods appear during the six phases of fuelling.
- Seduction
A period when everything is rosy in the garden. We are the most wonderful person you could ever meet. Kind, considerate, amusing and entertaining. We are generous with time or money, sometimes both. We are impressive in terms of our achievements, our abilities, the people that we know, the places that we have been and we just happen to like all the things that you like as well as we engage in our tried and trusted practice of mirroring. If we have chosen you to be our intimate partner we will be gushing with love as we sweep you off your feet with borrowed love quotes, gifts and sensational love-making. It is irresistible and you will succumb to this intense love-bombing whether we want you as our partner in love, friend, trusted colleague or reliable family member. Our seduction is powerful, effective and is aimed at getting you hooked on us as we begin to drink from your positive fuel that you will provide to us during the golden period.
- Devaluation
In this second phase we have found your positive fuel has lost its potency. You are no longer providing us with the earnest and amazing admiration that we require and this is entirely your fault. The consequence of this is that we must continue to draw fuel in order to sustain our existence and now we must do this by extracting a contrasting fuel, negative fuel. This is derived by treating you badly, meting out silent treatments, shouting at you, provoking you and unleashing the whole malevolent content of our Devil’s Toolkit against you. We want you to shout insults at us in anger, we want you to plead with us to stop our torment of you, we want to see you sob in desperation at our continued abuse of you. Tears, frustration, anger and hatred are all delicious emotions which will fuel us and they provide such a magnificent and stark contrast to all of the positive fuel that you once gave that the effect for us is considerably edifying and invigorating.
- Respite
We do not want to keep the devaluation in place all of the time otherwise you will break too soon and deprive us of our primary source of fuel. Accordingly, the third phase is one where we allow you some respite from the devaluation. We reinstate the golden period and you provide us with relief tinged positive fuel. This is of an excellent quality as it is heightened by your relief and joy at returning to the golden period. It also allows us to convince you that the golden period can be resurrected so you will not leave us and instead keep trying to recover it. We will alternate between devaluing you and offering you respite, back and forth between these two states in order to confuse you and keep you in situ. The contrast between treating you well and treating you badly also provides us with a greater degree of fuel as your emotions are pushed and pulled by us. This phase may last for years as we move you back and forth, one week everything is wonderful and then you are plunged into a fortnight of awful treatment with you completely bewildered as to why this is happening.
- Preventative
You may be pushed to a point of no return. You may have received some outside help from a friend or a professional who understands what is actually happening to you or it may be that you do not know what is happening but you know that you cannot allow it to continue any longer. In such a situation when you warn us that you are thinking of leaving us or that you intend to end our relationship we will instigate the preventative phase. This is designed to stop you from going. We will provide a massive dose of the golden period but we will also ally it with promises to mend our ways, seek help and change. None of it is meaningful but it is a desperate measure to prevent you from leaving us. We decide when we no longer want you, you are not superior to us and therefore you are not allowed, in our minds, to make this decision. By applying these preventative moves, which might be seeking pity, forgiveness, understanding and sympathy, we aim to stop your departure and then drink deep of the fuel that you will provide as you soothe away our concern, responding favourably to our stated intention to better ourselves. Your delight at hearing us say these things provides us with further fuel.
- Benign Return
Whether you escaped us or we cast you to one side through one of our callous discards we will also seek fuel through the benign return. Similar to the preventative stage but this takes place after there has been a cessation in our relationship. You try to stay away from us or you have been trying to get back with us but we have kept you at arms’ length for some time until we decide that we want your positive fuel once again and we approach you taking you back. We may seek forgiveness, express we made mistakes, that we were not thinking clearly and so on, all done in order to con you into resurrecting the relationship. If we ended it, you will return with joyful open arms. If you ended it, you will return delighted you have got us to agree to making changes. Of course nothing changes. It is all about the fuel and as you respond in a favourable manner, admiring us again, expressing your love and gratitude, portraying relief we will take all this fuel.
- Malign Return
This also takes place post cessation of the relationship. You may have ended it and resisted out attempts to hoover you back in. We may have ended it and you want to return to the fold but we will not let you as we have a replacement. In either instance we will not forgo the opportunity to extract additional fuel from you by continuing to administer terrible and hurtful manipulations against you. We may no longer be in a relationship but this will not stop us from lashing out, lying about you, invoking the assistance of others as we smear your name and doing everything we can on a repeated basis to cause you to become angry and upset and thus provide us with fuel. You may not have heard from us for some time but there will be some trigger, some opportunity and whilst we may not want you back or we may be unable to cause you to come back, we will still look to provoke an emotional reaction from you and obtain fuel. It is always about the fuel.
24 thoughts on “The 6 Phases of Fuelling”
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Thank you very much!!!!!:))))))
hi HG,my question would be can he get fuel from me if I am sitting near to him and talking and smiling with other people,while i am totaly ignoring him,dont looking at him?Can he then get fuel from me also?
If you are talking to and smiling at other people, they have caused that response and that is not fuel for him. If you are ignoring him, you are not providing fuel and you are wounding him.
Marija,
I have read HG’s book Fuel a couple of times as well as 32 of his other works. His daily articles are fantastic and explain a great deal about the different components of the Narcissist but his books however, go into more details-like “Fuel” which explains all aspects of how a Narcissist gets fuel, how often they need it, the different methods of acquiring fuel and from whom. Reading HG’s books, articles and having many consultations has allowed me to finally be FREE of my narcissist whom I was involved with for 10 years. Without HG’s straight forward way of explaining all parts of how to live without a narcissist and how to best encounter a narcissist, I would not be where I am today. Read as much as you can from HG (I highly recommend all his books-most especially, Fuel, Furry, Decipher, Conversation with a Narcissist-part I, II and III.) In the last books HG gives vivid examples of his life experiences and how it impacts the empath in all occasions.
Take care and all the best-learn as much as you can from the Master himself-there is no other avenue.
All the best,
Victoria
Hi H.G.
I have now read 13 of your fabulous books (and have praised them on Amazon on my reviews) and I must say they are better than anything my therapist was doing for me after my final discard. For me, as for all my fellow empaths, learning and understanding what my experiences were and why they happened has been the best cure for the pain, the lies, the illusion of the Golden Period, the false promises for a future together, etc. I am finishing your masterpiece: Exorcism: Purging the Narcissist from heart and soul and it is putting the healing balm on my wounds. Were it not for your books I would have gone years wondering and thinking about each and every event in my relationship and trying to understand the “why’s” of them all. Worse, I would have answered his hoovers thinking he has come to his senses and still loves me. Wow!
In 10 day’s I have received 2 text messages-the first stating: Hi, how are you? the second, 10 day’s later: Hi, are you O.K.? Where it not for your books I would still be ignorant of “hoovers” and what the process really means. Thank you so much!
One questions-If he is still in the golden period with his new primary source (it’s only been 2 months) albeit, he has known her for 3 years as an IPSSF, why is he texting me? Also, if I continue to not respond will he continue to text or get more bold and call?
Once again, thank you for saving years of misery and ignorance and pain!
Thank you for setting me free!!
I hope HG replies because I would love to know the answers to the questions you have asked. Also, what is an IPSSF? Is there an article that explains these acronyms I have seen on many of these articles?
Hello Bella, with regard to the acronyms, the explanations are throughout the blog. The common ones are as follows
IPPS – Intimate Partner Primary Source (wife/bf etc)
IPSS – Intimate Partner Secondary Source (mistress, friend with benefits, fuck buddy, occasional hook up)
IPTS – Intimate Partner Tertiary Source (one night stand, prostitute)
NISS – Non Intimate Secondary Source – friend, family member colleague
HEC – Hoover Execution Criteria
NIPPS – Non Intimate Partner Primary Source – family member
DLS – Dirty Little Secret
FREE – Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion – what you are aiming to become to lessen the risk of interest from us.
As I sit back and reflect on the last 3 years, I see so much energy being expended by someone looking for fuel. He was playing multiple partners, stalking multiple players, building up and tearing down multiple appliances all at the same time, no wonder the narc needs fuel. Empty soul searching for something he will never find.
It’s just mind boggling. It’s so hard to make sense of it. I get little glimmers of understanding it, then poof it’s gone. It’s a sad thing to reconcile.
Hi Everyone, I am back!
I believed I had finally found a normal guy in which to have a normal relationship with, I was wrong! After consulting with HG he helped me understand that because I was still interacting with my previous ex narc once in a while I kept myself in the emotional thinking mode as opposed to the logical thinking mode, which is what HG what all of us to be. After reading 30+ books from HG and over 1500 of his articles I thought I was well armed against meeting another narcissist, I was WRONG! As much as we think we are well armed against meeting another narcissist,due to the material HG provides we are not, we must keep ourselves in the logical mode always. We are as attracted to them as they are to us and thus to see the flags we must stay in the logic mode, always. I was just discarded by my 3rd narcissist and have to start building myself again and the only way to do that is through NO CONTACT! and to follow verbatim what HG says, which I didn’t. I needed to share this with all of you so you can stay vigilant at all times, they come in different colors, they are not all the same but one thing is for certain, if they move in on you quickly, stop and think before accepting. I was lucky, this last relationship only lasted 41/2 months. Although painful, once again, I am lucky it was not longer.
Thanks, and stay vigilant, always!
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Excellent!
” we may be unable to cause you to come back, we will still look to provoke an emotional reaction from you and obtain fuel. It is always about the fuel.”
He has no idea what he is up against. Text message I glanced at who it was, I gave it a moment thought then went back to watching night fall and letting my thoughts run a very different path.
This may be a stupid question but can you define what you consider to be Fuel? Thank you!
It is the emotional response of another person as consequence of something said or done by us, or in reaction to us. The book Fuel sets it out in detail for you.
Apparent my common sense mechanism is working correctly. I should have made that connection considering it’s the title of the book. 🤔I will read it..
Thank you
a lower victim N? do i understand correctly and have i answered my own question? pease advise… Thank You
mine never asked for forgiveness because everyhthing was always my fault. all returns were malign… what does that say?
It says it was always your fault because that is how we regard it and you were being punished.
Reading all this helps so much bc it’s just so sick. I just don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to be just “nice” to someone. Especially one who loves you despite all your flaws. I know he thinks he’s perfect, but the DUIs, the unpaid bills lawsuits, etc. all prove otherwise. I’m telling myself everyday, he has nothing on me. I can go on to build a better life which wasn’t that bad to begin with. All he will ever have is this sad cycle. I mean you no offense, HG. It’s just not for me. Love, security, consistency are all things I crave.
I have a question for you? If you have no feelings of the positive kind, why do you seek them out from us?
Sent from my iPhone
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Because they provide fuel which is what we need. If we sought negative fuel from people as soon as we met them, they would back away from us so it would become very difficult to keep gaining it.
I’m understanding then,that short of us disappearing without a trace, relocating and an identity change of sorts, we can not truly ever escape. (even with sustained N/C) As I had stated before, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop…
Reading your reply sent shivers down my spine….yes, I guess that is the only way to rid one’s self from a narc.