The Five Fears of the Narcissist
1. You will leave
You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever be countenanced. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are, you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.
2. I am ignored
There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.
3. I am exposed
Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.
4. I grow weary
I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.
5. The creature escapes
What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of its incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..
55 thoughts on “The Five Fears of the Narcissist”
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What is the creature? My thought is the creature is a demon. i mean look at the front page of this website. I also think that a body, possessed by something that the host seems unaware of and can’t control….is possession. No?
I don’t know whether to ignore or (covertly and continually threaten to) expose – or at least use your book to take small jabs at his pillars. Which do you believe is more powerful, HG?
It is usually best ascertained from the perspective of which do you feel capable of achieving?
I can achieve either. I could probably elicit a Hoover – but for what? To jab him in the eye with a red hot poker? One involves engagement, perhaps working through feeling powerful, one involves disengaging, feeling disempowered at times (but sometimes empowered) and focusing on myself. But still returning to those feelings of needing revenge (however untrue that is as I know that the closure only lies in myself). I used to take the piss with him all the time (not knowing he was a narc) and it would just continue in that vein. But I don’t want him to derive any fuel from me. But from your perspective, which one can harm more? Perhaps I just need to go down the revenge road to see that it doesn’t work.
I don’t ignore but have become the master of pretending to not see him when he’s on his daily stalk fest.
Never leave home without your sunglasses and stare at your feet a lot. That’s my new game. Works most of the time. When I’m forced to acknowledge I just look blankly.
#5 — This is what I knew. He wanted me to submit to him. But I knew if I did, he would not want it anymore. I wanted his attention and his attachment to me. So instead, I started fighting with him. Supernova style. I have stopped. I will give him what he wants. Now the bond will break. I no longer am afraid to give him what he wants, to admit how much I had cared (faced alot of my own demons from my own matrinarc horrible parenting), how I know submission is a greater need for his around me than his than attachment to me or anyone. The fight is gone. He can have my consent, my compliance, my submission to him. He is far from me, so this is purely emotional and symbolic. And this is how it will ultimately dissolve. Possible, HG? Please tell me that this makes sense.
I understand the point your are making, yes.
Hi HG – Whaaaaat the lol.
How do you interpret #4 (growing weary), do you mean losing the appetite to abuse means you’re aware that you can be “fixed” or does it mean the fear of losing energy to sustain fuel and becoming depressed because you are incapable of being fixed?
And #5, what is the creature that you fear will escape? Is it your mask or the fuel supply?
Number 4 is losing the abilities or desire to keep going, not because of any awareness of being fixed, but that this may just happen.
Number 5. The Creature is that which is imprisoned within the construct.
If the creature eacapes, how would that manifest? What do we see that as?
It would result in the real self coming to the fore and the extinction of what I need to be.
Hi HG
Your comment about the creature escaping , you say the real self ? So you know there is a real self ? You know it’s there ?
This is confusing as I have always suspected the creature is Emotions ( I’m still waiting for your book ) but you say there are no emotions other than negative ones .
That you are detached you do not feel in the same way non narcs do and yet you admit that you have to keep the creature under control .( the real self)
Of course it’s all contradictions with narcissists everything they do is a form of Ground Hog Day & Contradictions !!!
Can you hurry up with your creature book 😍🤗 please !!
By the way in case anyone’s interested I recently told my narc that his story is so boring , everyone’s bored of his ridiculous boring victim repetitive nonsense , even his family are yawning at the thought of listening to anymore of his continuous drama , that’s what narcs are attention seeking self absorbed drama queens both male and female .
Of course at the top end you may have the odd serial killer!!
But below that most of them are just idiots and we really need to stop enabling their nonsense .
A narcissist can not do any of these things to a romantic partner unless we let them.
They should be pitied and not given so much power .
The best thing to do is pretty much ignore anything they say😀
I think I’ve finally learnt how to handle mine and I am in a relationship with him at the moment !!
More or less do the opposite to what you would ever do with a normal person 😂😂
What is the ‘real self’? You mean all your insecurities, etc?
The creature.
The creature is the real self and the real self is the creature 🙆
But what is it really? What personality traits do we see? Pls expand if possible.
This will be done in due course.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
Relating to #4…. don’t you ever get tired? You think you are so clever, yet it’s the same game time and time again. How tiring…
I found out he was a narc by reading the emails he had sent to his prior victim. The same things he said to me, same songs, same promises, same topics…… disappointing to say the least because he really is a smart man. At a minimum I would have expected him to seek a different level of engagement/ difficulty/ prey/entertainment/ challenge/etc. because of that boredom factor you mention.
And here you are writing a blog that proves that not only you do the same act time and time again just for fuel, but you are no different than any other narc out there.
Do you ever seek a challenge? Do you ever change it up?
Do you ever feel that you are not that special? After all there are millions of “you” out there doing just what you do. Do your repetitive fuel gathering tactics ever feel just like an addiction?
Hello Mailen, as I have just written to Clarece, I see that there is a repetitive nature about some of the actions I engage in, but they are necessary but by the same token those actions enable me to achieve much as well. I deal with repeated challenges in my professional and personal life. I am challenged by some of the comments on the blog (in terms of causing me to reflect and think – not in terms of challenging my superiority). I am special. Yes there are millions of my kind but not millions of HG Tudors, I am unique in that regard.
Yes, it is an addiction. We are all addicts (you included) in some form or other. Thank you for your post.
How satisfying to get a peek backstage HG-
over the edge? it is only a 2 foot drop. NBD
I went no contact, ignored, didn’t even mention, and then someone mentioned me in a social media group we both belonged to. He went full on Narc rage, tried to smear, they didn’t believe him and he lost friends.
That must have hurt.
Back of the net Carla .!! 🙂
I can see No. 4 is my Narcissist issue at the moment … However as long as I am around providing the fuel he is fine … We both need to grow a set for opposing reasons…
I don’t know if i fully understand No.5 … Is that you seeing what you are and having a guilt and self loathing about it? X x
.. so good to know your type has ‘fears’… almost makes you human
HG, you are peeking into the the abyss from the safety of the analyst’s couch, (which is how good therapy usually works) and it seems from your writings that the “good doctors” are responsible and kind and therefore, they will not shove you off the edge for their own amusement….BUT what if somehow you were taken out of your game? It does happen, a sudden serious illness, financial collapse, etc. I know you probably can’t fathom it. What if for some reason, you were forced to go head to head with the beast? Would you sell out? Perhaps make a deal with HIM and take the victim Narc route? But that’s rather pathetic for one as great as you. Perhaps you and the Beast would lovingly embrace, re-unite, negotiate new terms, take the higher road together and you would become an empath…
Hello NN, become an empath? Not only would I not want that to happen I do not see that it can happen. You cannot inject me with empathy. If I was taken out of my game? I do not see that happening, but to run with your proposition, if that did happen then I would have to adapt in order to keep the creature locked away still. I adapted once all those years ago so I can do so again.
HG – Very helpful.
Thank you
https://youtu.be/4HlnJgL3AwA—
A Better Man, Little Big Town.
A true Narc song
https://youtu.be/IoxqLNBTG_Q
Great song.
Would not play so I posted another one.
Don`t worry, you stay a devil until the end of your life.Thank you, that you avoided to have children. That would be the next generation to become a devil or a victim. I really thank you for avoiding that. That is a good deed. I appreciate that.
No need to be abusive.
That’s very mean Mona ! Hope you feel better now.
Hello abrokenwing, I do not think that this statement is mean. He would abuse his children for his own purpose. And he knows it. How many women have to protect their children against their fathers because they are narcissists? Do you really want to look in the eyes of a disappointed, broken and damaged child and tell him his father is a good one, although he neglects his children and abuses them emotionally? Do you really want to support this circle starting again with him having children? Did you ever read what women wrote sometimes here and very often on other blogs, who had to flee with their children ?
I am sorry to say that you are blinded by the light, that he sends through a coloured and romantic diction. No, I am really thankful, that he decided to avoid children. It was my honest opinion! Why do you defend him? He did so much evil in the past and perhaps just now. He tells you honestly, that he likes to devastate women, that he loves it and you defend him? Somewhere in his books he even says, that he is a misogynist (someone who hates women) Do you defend him, because he is polite and friendly to you and all the other users of the blog? This is one of his manipulation tactics!!!! He is friendly to everyone but not to his victims! Of course it helps you a lot, but please do not forget his victims. You defend the wrong one. He is able to defend himself. He does it all the time. And I am honest, I insulted him or tried to do so quite often. I projected my hate and my frustration and my disappointment over my personal devil on him. I confess that. Do you think that really hurts him? He feels so superior, that he thinks : Let this witch talk a lot, I don`t care. She is so inferior to me. That`s what he thinks or pretends/claims to think. Nothing else. Please protect the children not an adult!
Spot on Mona. If anyone wonders why women or men turn a blind eye to sexual abuse in the family by an adult of their children, it is because they cannot resolve the massive pain of CD caused by narcisssim and choice of action, then the lessons and insight HG is offering isn’t quite penetrating down to the deeper level. I refuse to lobby any more hate towards my narc nor abuse because of what it was doing to me and how it was preventing my own healing. But he never cared for what it did to me. I did my phase of abusing him but there is a limit. But as I say in my own family, this generational NPD of abuse stops with me. My daughter will not carry that legacy like I have.
This is absolute truth Mona. If somebody does not like what you state and thinks HG can be offended by what you wrote, they are in a lunatic category. I also appreciate what you are saying. Abused children are not something we need in this world. I see a lot of new people on this blog who are in golden period with HG…There are two things here: the expertise of a cold abuser and the abuser itself. Two distinctive things. I am coming here to read and learn, not because I accept who HG is. I actually do not like him. But I like what he does for us. The level of anger and disgust some readers represent toward HG are just a normal, healthy feelings. HG is smart enough to accept that, also he gets plenty of fuel from this blog, both positive, negative – even he says the opposite. I pissed him off most likely a couple of times myself. And I love it! 😛
I don’t defend Mr Tudor. Indeed he can do it better then anyone himself. I just don’t understand the need to throw spiteful things in his direction for no reason. Specially if you consider yourself someone better then him.
Point taken but please consider people deal with their hurt and anger in different ways. This is why we have this forum. If HG considers any comment inappropriate, he just does not release it. We are here to learn and heal. Sometimes by being mean to HG. Also, I do not consider myself better just because I am an empath. I am certainly different than HG. I can also get pretty nasty despite being an empath. But usually to defend myself, not to upset others on purpose. We are all different people with different ways of dealing with our problems and pain.
Would it be odd to say I neither like nor dislike HG?
Perhaps it’s the anonymity technology affords us, but I read his books and postings as if they were textbooks with personalities, he’s like the Siri of NPD.
Your first sentence troubled me Carla.
Thank you, banansareberries1 for your kind words. I just answered abrokenwing to her comment. Please read it, when it is published. I am so self-confident now that her comment does not hurt me, but it makes me angry. The irony is that I have to thank my personal devil for my personal development and self-confidence. Because of him I started to think about me, my childhood, my wrong assumptions about myself caused by an abusive mother and what I really am. I still have to learn a lot about abusive and manipulative people and about people who call themselves empaths but defend the abusers and enable further abuse by doing it. I am sorry to say that. I did not know that people like this exist. I am very disappointed.
HG,
I appreciate and enjoy your writing, it’s honest and informative.
In order for me to take away as much information and fully benefit from your writing, I can’t personalize it; it’s almost a clinical point of view.
Thank you Carla, I am pleased you find it helpful.
what bothers you about Clara’s statement?
Wow HG I’ve just found you on YouTube !!! I haven’t listened to it yet .
Won’t people that know you recognise your voice Yikes 😀
Hi Lisa, no they won’t.
How do you know they won’t recignize you HG, unless you use some voice changing equipment?
They won’t.
Do you put on a fake british accent perhaps? I am asking because you are so sure nobody will recognize your voice. But i hope not, because i love your accent.
No that is my voice.
Is it possible that the lesser is not in need of being centre of attention and in fact feels paranoid about too much attention ?
That would not concern a Lesser.
Sorry which one ?
Not being centre of attention would not concern a lesser ?
Or a lesser would not be paranoid about being centre of attention ?
Or both ?
Do you think Lessers could be confused with Borderlines ? Borderlines could seem like Lessers and vice versa ?