No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
21 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
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Hi HG – I have another scenario. What if the N was clearly trying to set up a silent treatment through an argument (negative fuel) and I denied him of it? Example – I could tell that he was setting me up to argue and then implement the silent treatment and then later on through hoovers, he could blame my “crazy actions” for his disappearance. I was entangled with this Moron a few years ago so I knew what was coming so I kept deflecting, kept resisting the urge to argue and remained disconnected from his actions. After about two months of this behavior from him when he deemed a “perfect” time to deliver a blow that was supposed to teach me a lesson (I wasn’t jumping to his every command anymore cause I knew what he was), he arranged to meet up and then didn’t show up. Of course I knew what he was doing (thanks to YOU and your awesome website!), so instead of sending texts that I knew would be ignored, I called him. He immediately picked up (of course he did – he WANTED a knock down drag out fight) he tried to start a fight by being belligerent, I didn’t take the bait and I calmly hung up on him. I got a head start on the silent treatment (ME giving him the treatment, not the other way around) and it’s been 4 weeks since the phone call and I’ve blocked him at every angle and feel absolutely wonderful about my escape. Yes, little old me, the one he thought was the most reliable fuel source out there – I escaped HIM.
I understand he will target me through hoovers, but since I was an IPSS, this might prove very difficult as no one in my life knew about him, we didn’t travel in the same social circles, we don’t have any common friends together – he was in effect MY “dirty little secret’. In the past he has shown up on my doorstep but with the invention of technology, I never have to open my door again.
Did I wound him by getting a head start on the Silent Treatment? This little song and dance is over for me, now I just want to keep wounding him until he stays away – for good.
I tried to explain why I don’t want this anymore. I showed him evidence of his cheating and lies. I blocked him everywhere but one window was still open and he didn’t stopped to text me. Finally after weeks I was able to block everything but I think I waited too long. He sent me flying monkeys and acts like he is the victim and I’m afraid. Maybe I waited too long with the No Contact.
Hi, what are you thinking if there is no contact on our part post discard. I’m sure you’re expecting us to come crawling back. What if we painted YOU black based on discovering what you are.
Invariably when we have dis-engaged with you, we are concentrating on somebody else in that golden period so you do not matter anymore. If you come crawling back, you will be rebuffed. If you paint us black to other people, you usually fail because we will have smeared you first before we dis-engaged. If you view us as black yourselves, then that is entirely understandable and it is of no concern because
1. At that point as mentioned you do mater; and
2. When we decide to hoover you, if you regard us as white or black, you are still regarding us – love us or hate us it is all fuel.
Well then, if and when he decide to Hoover I will not regard him. I will remain indifferent and ignore. Thanks for your reply.
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Hi HG! Congratulations on your three millions hits! The information that I have received by daily reading of your blog and books have helped me to maintain no contact for over a year now. I didn’t know the guy was a narc and I think I caused massive narcissistic injury after mass narcissistic injury because I would call him out on everything he said and did. I even laughed at him when I ended the relationship. I am paying a high price for this as he has made life very difficult. He hoovers were at first benign. They are malign now. I reported him at work last week for harassment. He is very well liked so I don’t know what impact this will have on him. I love my job and I am not quitting because of him. HG, will this ever end? Also, I hate that I still find him incredibly attractive. Help!
What happens if you escape, knowing what he is and doing endless research on narcissism, but you do so quietly. What should I expect when just 3 days ago I tightened any loose ends. Took care of all matters and simply no longer answered his calls or responded to his text. I didn’t give him any answers, yell hateful profanities, try to smear him. I simply just walked away. Of course the day after he showed up at my house but I new he would so I had my best friend spend the night. So he waited for me to leave. I gave him no fuel as he followed me to the store. What am I to expect from him. He has a lot of lower and mid-range tendencies. Any insight would be appreciated HG.
Good work so far Elizabeth. You will receive the Initial Grand Hoover at this juncture. I recommend you read Black Hole as this will spell it all out for you in detail.
Thank you HG, I also need to read up on keeping no contact. He’s a clever one and when nothing else works he uses our daughter. Any suggestion on books or post for that as well?
See Manipulated and Escape. Whilst they do not mention children specifically you will learn how they will be used in manipulations and how to counter them. The forthcoming work Defender incorporates co-parenting to a greater degree.
I related to so much in the post and it is a great reminder to keep NC because my soon to be ex never responds the way a normal person would when I contact him. I just make things harder on myself. I can’t wait for the divorce to be over. I honestly don’t see a follow up Hoover from him — he seems really gone to me. I hope he doesn’t, anyway. But you’ve said it’s unlikely that I’ll escape that, so I suppose I’ll be ready of it comes.
I’ve recently completed the Psycho-divorce of the Century. My ex’s smear campaign has many believing I’m Bipolar – despite TWO thorough mental health assessments to the contrary. I’m in Narcissistic Abuse therapy, but my daughters think I’m making up the issue of my abuse. Cognitive dissonance runs deep when Daddy Dearest plans to take them to Berlin & pay for weddings! They’ve all 3 discarded me. This is a heinous thing for a father to perpetrate upon his – our – daughters. He even arranged for me to spend 3 days in County Jail, via Perjury, for Violating a Harassment Restraining Order. My college daughters now believe him, that I wasn’t “set up” to violate his most ludicrous HRO claim. Can you offer any suggestions concerning children who have also fallen into his abyss?
P.S. (I’m charging him in Civil court for Abuse of Process & hopefully the County Attorney will take up the Perjury charge)
A Facebook friend of mine contacted me about our Singer N and said she was thrown away like garbage. I don’t know how she heard about me. He didn’t actually discard me since I walked out on him while he was talking and haven’t heard from him. It has been two months. She wants very badly for me to write an email and send to his management some messages that his current fuel wrote to me before she got with him. She was very jealous of me. He saw us together a few times so he knew we were friends. The messages are very unflattering and accuse him of having all sorts of enhancements and hair plugs plus saying he probably lives on Viagra. Lots of things he wouldn’t like reading. I just happened to keep the messages with her face on them. I don’t want to write to him but my other friend won’t get off my back. I can’t imagine it would help her as far as getting him back. I have no idea how he would react or if he would be angry at me. I am the only one who believes he is a narcissist. HG, if this is not too silly, please give me your thoughts. I would rather not contact him, but I know she is hurting. I’m sure his Manager is part of his couterie — wouldn’t you think so?
“doing away with” imo, is soley to end the entanglement. not based on emotions, etc., at least for myself. as a form of survival of myself
What the fuck? 22M? Who are you or was it an inheritance? That amount is worth revenge I’m sorry. I’d be bat shit crazy if I were you. What’s your story? That happened with a lesser????
Joanne…. The two are unrelated and the $22 Million is a “joke” between myself and Mr Tudor, lol… see prior posts in “Bare Necessity” for clarification….
I agree with Ms Brown above that the thought of “our kind” doing away with “your kind” does tend to cross the mind often. Mostly due to frustration with the hopelessness of the situation and feelings of powerlessness when (in the case of co-parenting) there can be no true severence of ties. Things would truly be better if we could walk away from the “relationship”, heal and never look back. However, the connection of children (even almost grown children) makes this so difficult. We always have to hear about the N or what he is doing with the new fuel and how they are living their new lives and it hurts because it sounds infinitely better than our lives with them ever were. How do we deal with the infuriating discard, being ignored (i.e. unreturned calls, texts, emails about important child and financial matters) and treated as though we are non-existant even when we are the parent of their children. I understand that no contact is for the best but it seems ironic that the N has implemented no contact and does not care to be contacted or engaged regarding pressing issues. Most of the time I don’t care and just let it go and deal with things on my own but sometimes I get really angry because it seems like nothing relating to his former life with me (our children, their well being, their schooling, the bills etc) is important at all.
HG, this just creates greater confusion for me. I “escaped” because I starting figuring out who he really was and he did not discard me. I was granted a restraining order which he violated with the Initial Grand Hoover, and consequently spent 4 nights in the clink. The State’s Attorney asked me to provide an impact statement for the court date this week for the violation. This statement is supposed to be contain why I’m in fear and what he’s done to me, what it was like being with him, etc. so this will impact if the judge gives him a slap on the wrist or gives him any jail time (doubt it). So if the imapact statement says how scared I am and how he was controlling, obnoxious, abusive, etc., wouldn’t that be adding to the negative fuel he wants? So how do approach this? I’m afraid if I don’t provide detail and keep it matter-of-factly they won’t take me seriously, but if I say I’m afraid and that he’s dangerous and he has stalked me, he will get the fuel that he wants. Please help. Court is this week!
P.S. I cringe every time you refer to us as “appliances”. Makes me feel like my importance to him was equivalent to the Mr. Coffee pot (which it probably was), but it gives me the strength to maintain NC.
so how does one go about dealing with #4 “Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues” when it is all I have left on your “lists”? It is NEEDED in order to complete my escape. My resources were targeted (by lesser) and entertwined as his own… all my attorneys have “quit”, and i can no longer fund them to “get it done”…. Also, off the record, has any research been done as to how many of “your kind” end up murdered by “our kind” in order to escape? That just crossed my mind… Thank you in advance, HG for any insight you can provide
The occasional victim may murder their abuser, it happens. I daresay there are statistics available but I anticipate the number is low.
Engage the assistance of a friend or family member on your behalf or take the view that writing it off (subject to amount etc) may be a price worth paying to escape and preserve no contact.
I agree with your advise and leaning in that direction… however, I still NEED $22 million, lol