Connected Yet Removed
The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.
Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.
I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.
“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience alongwith fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.
I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.
90 thoughts on “Connected Yet Removed”
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I have a question. Do y’all readers use a different email address for this blog? Is it possible for someone to know I receive articles from this site? I know our email address isn’t published but I am not knowledgeable about what can be found out about what I do. Are there tricks I don’t know about? Please tell. Thanks.
No, only if they can access your e-mail account at your end and if so you already have bigger problems than the e-mail address used here.
Thanks. That’s what I don’t understand. How people see my emails. I need to find out how they can do it. I guess I need to ask Google. Lol.
At first I have to thank you, that you still answer my questions, although I was nasty to you.
Did you learn in your childhood that everything has to be made with a special purpose? Was that one of the main aims in life you were taught?
(I ask that because I believe that is one of the reasons you cannot enjoy a lot of things and behaviours ….Of course, I am not inside of you, I have to ask)
I think the family motto of the family Tudor answers your question best.
It is ‘Victoria Aut Morte’
What a strange, terrible motto! It is hostile to life. So you had to plan each step in your environment to stay victorious. No time to relax and enjoy life as it is. No time for a smile without any hidden purpose, always in fear of some attack or punishment of your own family. (because of resentment and jealousy) No safety. You did not learn to enjoy the life itself.
I am surprised that you are able to make funny jokes over and over. The charming is one of the signs of many narcissists. I do not understand, where it comes from in such a violent life atmosphere. Is it a genuine joking (a residual of the natural born HG) , is it some kind of valve to bear your life , or is it only done with a purpose? Or is it only a useful trait to be funny to achieve the main aim? You do not have to answer, if you do not want to.
Not it is not, you either win or you die. Succinct, effective and universally applicable.
I am able to joke because I have an excellent sense of humour. It used to serve my purposes.
My ex narc always sent me pictures of his mother when she was young. He spoke of her a great deal. He crawled into bed with her during her final hours. What he always said to me is you remind me of my mother. He said it all the time. HG, is that just more bullshit or is it actually an insult?
Depends when it was being said. It would be used as both compliment (seduction/respite) or insult (devaluation). We like to get as much as we can out of things.
HG, I believe it is normal to do sometimes things only, because friends do it. I do not like classic music and I visited a classic concert, because a friend of mine did not want to go alone. I did it because of the friendship. The friendship was worth it. She knows that I am not a fan of it, but I gave it a trial. I felt strange there. I could not understand the enthusiasm of the people. I felt a little bit alone within the excited crowd. Afterwards I told her that it is better to look for someone else for a classic concert. It was o.k. We are different, but we have a lot of things in common. So we share these things.
In another topic you told us that you love your car and that you love cameras and of course you like writing. Is it only of a certain purpose? I had the feeling, that these things are loved by you because you really like them, not only to use them for certain purposes or to impress people. Are you able to like certain things?
If they serve a purpose for me, yes.
Ok,that was not the right question. I believe that for everyone a thing has a special purpose. We only are not aware of its purpose for us.
I will try it with other questions.
When you are alone somewhere, do you like the smell of fresh air? Or is it the same feeling, if you smell fresh air or bad air? Is there any effect on you? Do you notice any change of mood?
I think, the air smells fresh or I think where is that pong coming from? Then I carry on.
I don’t think you have blonde hair. Your voice indicates a man with dark hair… just a (my) thought and totally unrelated to the article..;)
That’s what I thought as well, Ollie! 😀
Hey, HG, you are throwing my mental picture of you into disarray with conflicting information 😀 . I already had to change your hair colour from raven to blonde… but is it a full head of hair, bald as a coot (as previously stated), or a bit of both in the form of a chaplet? ;-D
Well you have been paying attention.
I have a flowing, lustrous mane of blonde hair. Luxuriant and full.
Lol… HG, your description made me smile. I thought for sure dark hair with a little grey on the sides…
Interesting you would think that.
Actually I have short blonde hair. It covers all my head so no bald patches et al. I have it cut every 10-12 days.
Thanks for the clarification…;)
Pleasure.
Nooooo.
Claudia, do you have short blonde hair too? 😉
No, Ollie, I have reddish-brown hair, and it’s getting long. And I do not have piercing blue eyes; I have very soulful, dark eyes.
So what. I have brownish-red hair that is growing long, and it’s wavy. And, it’s nice and full when it’s clean and washed.
“Well you have been paying attention.”
Indeed, I have, that’s part of the amusement. Thank you for the clarification. 🙂
HAHAHA HG I immediately thought of Fabio, with the “blond flowing hair” 😛
HG,
Have you read Melrose by Edward St Aubyn?
No ABB I have not.
Thanks!
Typo. But meant to write But let’s say his taste…
Hi HG, let’s say you were hanging around some new potential friends and you liked the dress style of one of the men and chose to copy it. So now when you hung out together you were looking more and more like him. Let’s then say that unbeknownst to you this person somehow discovered what narcissists do, and what you are trying to do and suddenly started changing his look to be the equivalent of clothing gray rock. Would this at all stir up any fury within you? How might you react?
Is the scenario ; I copy him in a certain style and then he shifts style to something vastly different to throw me as if to say “copy this!” ?
I would not copy wholesale in that manner. I might see an element which I would claim and use for myself but not an entire wardrobe or look. I would regard it beneath me to do so.
The scenario is he catches onto what you are doing and decides to stop feeding you free stylist tips and does so by showing up to all future get together by looking bland. I suppose it would be the equivalent of seeing that someone in school was looking on your test and stealing answers and you decided to cover the page so he could no longer filch answers from you. It might be beneath you to copy his style. It say his taste in dress was so marvelous you were going to do it anyway. Would you be at all thrown/pissed whatever that he was removing your template?
I wouldn’t be this way but one of our kind may well operate in such a fashion (pun intended) and therefore if they are taking their style cues from someone else who then goes bland as you put it, the narcissist would either be confused or go bland as well thinking this must be some kind of style that needs to be adopted.
Copy That! 10-4!
I feel that you copy me a lot. It’s okay.
Just so you know, I don’t.
Here’s the thing, I believe you. I’m just saying that I ‘feel’ like you copy me.
Noted but how? I don’t know you.
Then, you must not being spying on me because had you done so, you’d know me. YAY!
I have no interest.
I write, “just so you know”, all the time…way before you started writing it.
Think you will struggle to claim any right over that.
Just so you know.
Noted. But, I always wrote, “I don’t know you”, before you started writing it. I’m just saying…that…you copy me. But, it’s okay, really. I don’t mind.
I don’t. You are reading too much into it.
Oh 🙃
Has anyone had any thoughts on whether an individual’s involvement in a romantic relationship (of sorts) with a narcissist has the potentential to increase their own propensity towards narcissistic behaviours or thoughts?
I have often wondered this myself. Good question
This is answered by the Empathic Supernova. You do not ‘catch’ narcissistic traits. You already have them and they become exposed by the reduction in your empathic traits.
Wow! Thank you for that! Question i have often thought about..just never asked
No problem.
Are u fascinated with spy cameras/gadgets, voice recorders stuff of this nature?
I would not say I am fascinated but I am well acquainted with them.
Fascinated prolly not the word i was looking for when asking the question. Why are you well acquainted with them? Whats the purpose
I could tell you but, well you know…..
No i don’t know. Thats why im asking. I need to know.
I meant, I could tell you but then I would have to disincentivise you.
What do you mean?
Phew.
I mean I could tell you why I use them etc but then I would have to kill you.
It is private and secret.
Everything with ya”ll is private and secret! You have to know that my loving husband has them planted all over the house and I need to find them and I need to know why…if u don’t tell me ur stopping my healing process. Lol
Hire an expert to find them.
Really? What type of expert would this be?
Check on the web and find a counter-surveillance expert to come and sweep your home.
Bingo! Found 1 fairly local. Thanks HG! I was thinking..since most likely I am being watched I figured I would pretend to call u and say…oh now HG Tudor you know I love you too! Baby boy you want me to do what..huh..oh my…well ALRIGHTY then. Lmao…He will be on the hunt for you!! Jk..although nothing like giving him a taste of his on medicine! Then I can say to him…don’t player hate.. Participate! Ugh..what a tiny tallywack! Lol
Ha ha not a bad plan.
Made an appt for this Saturday at 2. Kinda pricey but sure beats this uneasy feeling I have been having. He has ordered so many of these devices/gadgets throughout the years but swears there are none here connected bcuz I have told him me and the girls dont like the idea of cameras watching our every move. His response but sweetie when I’m traveling and y’all are alone it would make me feel safe knowing my girls are safe and sound. I still said no so he agreed but didn’t let the subject go easily. My youngest Hannah told me a few weeks ago..mama I think something is wrong with Mark. I’m thinking to myself..nah..really..poor baby ..I asked her what now and she said he ordered another spy pen to wear in his pocket at work and this 1 records people talking. Now HG I’m gonna use the word fascination again bcuz I don’t know what other word to use..is his fascination with this spy stuff bcuz he feels paranoid? Are narcissists paranoid?
The phrase Phew gives someone enough rope for what? And who is this someone? Enough rope to hang themselves with? Are u talking about me? 😯😯😯
No.
Don’t interrupt me..I’m typing procedures at work and listening to your deep..dark…hidden agendas voice with a crazy accent talk about yalls evil ways. 😇
I really hope you are not watching us through the camera on our computers and tablets. That would be really rude. Also, if you are spying on me because of my address from my PayPal account, then you will know that I live elsewhere, now, for the most part. And, I also have very good friends who look out for me due to my issues with past Narcs. Hopefully I am unimportant enough to you that you would not spend your valuable energy attempting to spy on me. I am important to many people, but I imagine you are not one of those people, so you would not spy on me. If so, then tell me where I went, last night?
You just copied another commenter who previously said, “Phew”, too, in her comment. She said it before you did.
The phrase ‘give someone enough rope’ springs to mind here.
Nooooo.
?
Dont use big words with me. Im use to yall..howdy..yeehaw…lol
😃
Disincentivise…. ? This does not sound pleasant.
You are correct.
Mr. Tudor, I like you. Sometimes.
Fair enough.
Like fleas?
I used to be highly empathetic, but now I am finding that I am becoming less caring of others…sad but true 😛 I still feel empathy, but it’s become very muted. I think it’s bc I am so starved for affection/attention/interaction that by default, I am in a type of “survival mode” which has made me become more concerned with getting my own needs met than the needs of others. For example, the other day a friend was telling me about a trip she is going to be taking, and instead of feeling the usual excitement for her, I had to pinch myself to not burst out with the trip that I am taking soon. I held it in, pretended to be more excited for her than I felt, then at the appropriate time, I told her about MY upcoming trip. Idk, I feel very disturbed by this 🙁
For some reason when i look at the picture i see you standing there in the sunglasses. HG is that you? Hmmm
No. I have blonde hair.
Hmm..ok.
How long have you felt or not felt like that? 😳
Felt like what Dory?
So… could you please tell us more? In your YouTube videos, is that really you, Mr. Tudor, sitting on the chair, in the shadows? I just might have special spy-glasses that enable me see through the shadows.
I don’t buy the blonde hair… not with that voice…
?