You Were Warned

 

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“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

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5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 5 Social Media Stalking

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You may have been discarded and reluctantly commenced a campaign of no contact or, you have escaped and you have resolved to ensure that we do not reach out to you. You want your no contact to succeed, to stand firm and remain effective. One of the most frequent ways you scupper your no contact is by engaging in social media stalking.

Oh I know why you do it. You think that it does not count if you are watching us but not engaging with us. I will explain below how this has significant consequences for the prospects of success for your no contact campaign, but first of all, how does this behaviour manifest?

  1. Repeatedly checking on our social media by looking at our profiles;
  2. Repeatedly checking on the social media profiles of people connected to us – family, friends and/or the new primary source;
  3. Asking your friends to spy on our social media if we have blocked you;
  4. Establishing false profiles for the purpose of being granted access again. Not to communicate but to gather information.
  5. Checking to see if we are following you say on Instagram or Twitter even though we may not be directly engaging with you.

There is little doubt that social media has had a significant impact on society and behaviours. Its various effects are not the purpose of discussion here save that social media is habit forming. How many people go to their social media profiles first thing in the morning to see what has happened over night? There is the expectation of activity and new things to discover – new likes, comments, new pictures – and it is akin to opening presents on Christmas morning. How many people check their social media on their commute to work, whilst they are using the toilet, sat in the bath, waiting for a friend, waiting in a queue, during a break at work, when they should be working, when there is a lull in the conversation on a date? It is highly addictive and people have conditioned themselves to look at their social media on a repeated basis each and every day. It is the default position. Experiencing a lull? Rather than talk to someone, engage in your own thoughts or take in the world around you, many people stare at that screen and immerse themselves in their social media.

Ray Bradbury in his novel Fahrenheit 451 identified people’s preoccupation with “quick fixes” even though social media was decades away. He was concerned that mass media (which social media is) was usurping an interest in literature. in the novel, Clarisse McClellan comments to Guy Montag (a fireman whose job it is to burn books) about how she spends time walking around actually looking at things rather than engaging with the parlour walls, the fun parks and the racing car circuits (these items being the mode du jour of acquiring a quick fix of entertainment in a superficial and meaningless manner). She notices the dew on the grass, the smells in the air, the dawn and such like. This is alien to Montag and most of society, all of whom have become obsessed with the quick fix.

Social media has become the fun parks et al which Bradbury wrote of. Its grip on people is strong and habitual and as part of this it has become an instinctive method by which you endanger your no contact by stalking our social media. Owing to the fact that you habitually check your own social media, it follows that it is just a click or two’s effort to then expand this habit into checking our social media. It is very easy to do. You engage in this social media stalking of us, for several reasons including :-

  1. You still want a connection with us. If you have been discarded you do this stalking and it satisfies to some degree the craving to remain connected with us. If you have been blocked, you do this vicariously through your friends reporting. If you have escaped, you know you ought not to have anything to do with us, but your still rampant emotional thinking means you still desire a connection and you regard this as a ‘safe way of achieving this. It is not.
  2. You want to see signs that we miss you, that we are thinking of you.
  3. You want to know what we are doing.
  4. You want to see if we have removed pictures of you (or you and us) or kept them up in order to maintain hope that the Formal Relationship might be resurrected.
  5. You want to see if we are mentioning someone else yet in terms of a new primary source.
  6. If there is a new primary source you want to compare yourself to him or her.
  7. If there is a new primary source you want to see how we are interacting with them. Is it in the same way as we did with you, is it better, is it worse, are there signs of trouble between us?
  8. You want to see if our life is turning to shit in order to derive some satisfaction from this occurring as ‘reward’ for our abhorrent treatment of you.
  9. You want to ascertain if there is some message, be it overt or covert towards you which you can seize on.
  10. You need to receive answers because we do not provide them to you.
  11. You need to ascertain why you have been discarded and why we are with somebody so soon because (from your perspective) there is no rational explanation for our behaviour.

Accordingly, stalking our social media serves to address some of your needs but it actually works against the successful implementation and maintenance of no contact.

  1. You are allowing the Ever Presence to continue. Your habitual checking of our social media means that each and every day (and possibly several times a day) you are thinking about us. This means you are allowing (or risking dependent on where your recovery is at) the emotional infection to rise and continue. This happens just because you are thinking about us by checking our social media.
  2. Not only are you perpetuating the Ever Presence but you are making it more potent because you are stoking your emotions. It might be regret, sorrow, hurt, anger, desire, bittersweet happiness as you see a picture of us, a picture of you still on our page, a picture of us together, reference to something we used to do together and so on. Whatever it might be, this is kindling those emotions and in doing so it allows the Ever Presence to be reinforced and it is allowing emotional thinking to increase, which as you know, equates to risking making bad decisions because you are not using cool, hard logic.
  3. You are inherently weakening your No Contact regime by exposing yourself to this daily ritual. All it takes is for the emotional infection to increase to a level whereby you see a meme posted by us which reminds you of an occasion together and you see it as some kind of olive branch by us which makes you contact us direct. You may see a comment made about you which angers you and therefore you contact us to tell us what an arsehole we are. You may feel jealous about the things we are saying about our new primary source so you contact us to rail against us or plead with us to tell us what she has got that you have not. In all of these instances and more you are weakening your no contact.
  4. You are paralysing yourself. You are not allowing yourself to move forward and cross the emotional sea. In fact, whilst you may be sat in your logic vessel, avoiding the rising emotional sea so far, all you are doing is sailing around in circles and there will come a point where those emotional waves spill on to your logic vessel and you are swamped.
  5. You are denying yourself the helpful effects of other distractions. If you left our social media alone, you would concentrate on other things. It might be work, hobbies or a new relationship and those things will distract you from the impact of Ever Presence. Your ritualistic observance of our social media is more likely to prevent you doing those things or at least gaining the distracting benefit which they provide.
  6. We count on you stalking our social media and we are stalking yours. If we identify through your posts and comments that it is clear you are observing our social media then this signals to us that it will be easier to breach your no contact and this will lower the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.

It is understandable why you stalk our social media. Chief amongst those reasons is that you think that it will do no harm if you do this because it is not direct contact and we may not know you are doing it. However, for the reasons explained above, engaging in this behaviour is likely to lead to your no contact to being weakened and even breached.

 

 

A Glimpse of the Future

 

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It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.

“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”

“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”

“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”

“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”

If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.

“I did warn you.”

“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”

“I told you so.”

“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”

“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”

Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.

With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.

  1. I am a bad person really.
  2. I will only hurt you.
  3. You should stay away from me.
  4. I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
  5. I will make you wish you had never met me.
  6. It will go wrong, it always does.
  7. You will end up hating me.
  8. You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
  9. You shouldn’t do this.
  10. You should leave while you can.
  11. This is going to turn out badly.
  12. I have to hurt people.
  13. I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
  14. I just want to fit in.
  15. I’m not what you think I am.

The Narcissistic Truths – No. 3 (Expanded)

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We come cloaked in our finery to dazzle and bewitch yet this enthralling and alluring appearance is but an artifice designed to cater to our needs and keep that which the world ought not to see at bay.

Shall I be the charming boyfriend who brings you breakfast in bed or the grizzled tyrant that bellows from the landing demanding to know why the right shirt is not available even though you ironed seven of them yesterday? Perhaps I will be the cheery neighbour who stops and compliments the fellow next door on his new motor vehicle or do I rake a key down the paintwork smiling to myself as I feel the Thought Fuel at his dismay washing over me?  How about being the benevolent boss who is magnanimous in his appraisal of a junior employee or might I be the savage dictator whose fleck infested diatribe reduces the underling to tears? Passionate lover or glacial companion? Entertaining purveyor of anecdotes or bilious issuer of put downs? Such choices.

Yet it is not just a matter of good or bad, there is more to layer on top of that. Do I regale my friends with that story of how I went marlin fishing in Bermuda to impress them even though it was my brother who went and I have taken his tale to be my own? Do I claim the theories of a fellow academic as mine when discussing matters with the undergraduates in my tutorial group? Do I claim to know much about the works of Bach because I have glanced over my girlfriend’s play list of classical music? That snippet of conversation that was overheard discussing the merits of staying at the Cavalieri Hotel in Rome and the ‘views to die for’ becomes my stay there last month. A useful review of Transpotting 2 in the broadsheets is commandeered to become my opinion which receives nods of approval when I recount it over dinner.

Why feel the need to be something that we are not? This varies dependent on the school from which we hail but at its essence remains this indisputable fact; we do not want to be nor can we be, that thing which we spend our time escaping from. Most of our kind do not realise this. They have no comprehension that a construct has been created for the purposes of ensnarement. Ensnarement of victims and the continuing ensnarement of The Creature. They do not know it, believing that their construct IS them and hence should you act in a way that attacks that construct through criticism then the response is intense, volcanic and instant. Those who form the majority of our ranks are unable to make such a distinction, unable to recognise what they have created and what they are imprisoning but believe their own creation to be them. Such is the power of delusion. They have no choice in determining what they will be today. They are governed by the instinctive need to respond as the fuel dictates and thus the rage-filled father who smashes his son’s favourite toy was not chosen but appeared because that was what was required to respond to his son running to his mother and not him. The doting son who faithfully calls his aged mother every Sunday without fail notwithstanding her dismissive treatment of him ordinarily is one compelled to do so in order to maintain his facade of decency and to irritate you when you suggest he ought to put her in her place. The quiet yet charming man who is the complete gentleman on the dates you have together is one which has been constructed out of need and is a programmed behaviour to bring about seduction. Whichever way these of our kind face is as a consequence of need – fuel, the facade, the acquisition of residual benefits – and it matters not if there is a swing from demon to angel in the space of the minute, but that is what must occur.

Furthermore, the repeated regurgitation of lies to furnish the construct for the purposes of  attraction is an instinctive response. The lie is believed because the Lesser or Mid-Ranger perceives his construct as what he or she is and thus the knee-jerk boasts, the blatant exaggerations and the out and out lies about achievements, status, job, number of lovers and the number of times one has seen U2 in concert are viewed as truth. Challenge them at your peril. The Lessers and Mid-Ranger have no choice in terms of how they furnish their construct and how they respond to the appliances around them.

The Greater of our kind exert choice but it is always within the confines of the overriding objective, namely, all is as the fuel wills it to be. Thus, the decision to berate a shop assistant is one of choice but is governed by the need for fuel. The decision not to answer your telephone calls is one of choice but again is subjected to the requirements of fuel. We Greaters have more substance than our lower-ranked brethren, we have the achievements, the abilities, the successes but it is never enough. One must be better, more popular, more attractive, more muscular, more accomplished, more, more, more. Thus that which is already there was deemed not to be good enough. So there must be the embellishments, the exaggerations, the add-ons. Pilfer here, acquire there, purloin this and steal that in order to make that cloak the finest ever created. You might suggest we ought to be content with the considerable abilities that we already possess but that is viewed from your perspective. From ours, there is always another higher mountain to conquer and it must be conquered because if we do not stop driving forward then we risk perishing.

I wield tremendous power. I can be anything I want and do whatever I please. Yet, as Lord Acton sagely stated,

“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

I have absolute power but it has been corrupted because it is always subject to another force, that of the need for fuel.

I appear as the dictator with seemingly unrestrained power and influence as I choose to be whatever I want to be.

Yet I have come to realise that I am the puppet government put in place by fuel.

Shade

 

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“It is quiet here isn’t it?”

“What do you want shade? Be gone.”

“Now, now that is not that very friendly is it?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Perhaps, but I have much that I must say to you.”

“I will not listen.”

“Oh but you will, you have no hope other than to listen to me. Who shall I be? How about me? Do you remember me? You always said how my voice sounded like the embodiment of comfort, do you recall saying that? Do you? Do you remember how often you asked me to call you late at night and read to you until you drifted off to sleep? I did it willingly didn’t I? I read those words, those favourite passages of you until I could hear nothing until the soft sound of the breathing, regular and indicative that you had succumbed, at last to sleep? I imagine you would like me to do that now wouldn’t you? To hear my words of comfort once again. Would you wish to hear me speak again? No, my you have changed and yet you always said it was me that had changed? Perhaps I shall change. I shall be me instead; do you remember me now? Does this force remind you of me? I was better than her, you made it so clear that that was the case. Forget her and her bedtime stories, she treated you like a child didn’t she? I know what you really wanted didn’t I? I understood you didn’t I? How does it feel to hear my voice now after all this time? You’d thought this one was forgotten hadn’t you?”

“Shut up, I never forget.”

“Oh but you try to, you try so hard to forget me and all of the others.”

“No I don’t.”

“Please don’t lie, I can see through them now. I admit, I never used to be able to, but you were oh so very good at making your lies seem like reality. I had no idea. I was so in awe of you. You were everything I had ever wanted, but that is what you do isn’t it? You showed me yourself so I loved myself. It is clever, I must give you that and there is no denying you are very clever, the brightest and the best that I have ever met. Yet, what do you use this gift for? To wound, to maim and to cripple?”

“You do not trouble me shade, I know what you are.”

“Do you? That is good. For so long I thought you did not, but you are realising now aren’t you?”

“I have always known. I know everything.”

“Of course you do. You taught me everything. Yes, it is me now. How about that for a trip down memory lane. You taught me everything and yet I was the first of them all to realise wasn’t I?”

“It is you? Where have you been? Stop this, you keep shifting, it is unfair.”

“Oh I have always been here, always watching you. My you have become quite the polished article haven’t you? I always knew you were destined for greatness though. I was the first to know.”

“It is my right. You must not come here and mock me.”

“I am not mocking you. I love you. We all loved you. You know that because you gave us a perfect love.”

“Yes I did and do you see what you all did with it?”

“Now now, let us not play that game.”

“What game is that?”

“You are doing it already.”

“Cease your riddles, I am the doer, you are done to, leave me, I have much to do.”

“But I cannot leave you, you will not let me go.”

“I tell you now, leave, leave me be.”

“It does not change does it? You want me, you do not want me, yet here I am. You said that nobody is allowed to leave and you have me still. Does that not please you?”

“Not when you intend to mock me, no.”

“Yet he always mocked me.”

“Not another? Why do you plague me like this? You are no longer welcome.”

“You mocked me, you belittled me, you made me feel like nothing and all I wanted to do was to please you, why did you do this to me? Please? Tell me what I did wrong?”

“You come here now and seek those answers? You should have known. I showed you how you should be and then you failed me.”

“I did not fail you.”

“I did not fail you.”

“Nor did I.”

“Nor I.”

“Nor I.”

“Silence!”

“Such a favoured weapon of yours. How you tore me apart when you layered ice over our love.”

“Not you as well, what do you want?”

“I just want to know.”

“You come, you all come, masquerading as wanting to know the truth but I know you, I know your kind, I have you in my eye, you are here to torment me. I am no fool; I know exactly what you want.”

“We just wanted you.”

“Yes, you.”

“You.”

“I wanted you.”

“Just you. Nobody else.”

“Quieten your tongues you harpies, must you whirl about me, your soft words that are barbed and poisonous to my own ears? I command you, leave, leave me be.”

“You said you loved me the best and that you would never let me go.”

“You told me you loved me with a perfect love and that we would always be together.”

“You told me that you loved me unlike any love you had ever known and that nothing would tear us apart.”

“You told me that your love was pure and unblemished and would last for ever.”

“You told me that your love was beyond that of any other person and that I would bask in it until my dying day.”

“Do you see how you said all those of things to us? Promises, vows and declarations. We believed you and we still do, we still want you.”

“Then why come here and torture me?”

“Because you found perfection, you had the very thing that you always wanted and you let it go.”

“I did not.”

“You did.”

“No, I did not. You do not know, you think you do, but you do not know.”

“But we do know, we know better than you realise. You called us idiots, you called us fools, you called us morons and yet who is the fool now? Who had the one thing that he always wanted and let it go? Let her go?”

“Go to hell, all of you shades, go to hell.”

“Go to hell? We are already here aren’t we? With you.”

Irresistible

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Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.

No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.

Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.

Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?

Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.

You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.

Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.

Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.

I can hear my ‘phone ringing.

5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need to “Sign Off”

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The most common conclusion to the romantic entanglement with our kind is for you to be discarded. Certainly this is what happens the first time around for most people. Later on, the likelihood of it ending because you escape increases as a consequence of either increased knowledge or awareness and/or being unwilling or unable to endure the consequences of your treatment for any longer.

Where you have been discarded, it is understandably common for victims to do a number of things, which includes :-

  1. Trying to resurrect the Formal Relationship with us;
  2. Wanting answers as to why you were discarded;
  3. Wanting answers to understand how you have been treated;
  4. Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues;
  5. Wanting us to understand how much you love us/you are hurt/you are angry etc

Whilst you may want to tear a strip off us and give us a piece of your mind it is usually the case when you have been discarded that your response is not so much an aggressive one, but more one of bewilderment, pleading, trying to get together again and sort matters out, or eventual resignation and hurt with a recognition of the need to tie up those loose ends such as money owed, the return of possessions and so forth. The general stance by those discarded is not usually aggressive in nature.

When you have been discarded from being our Intimate Partner Primary Source this has happened most of the time because you have been replaced by somebody else. We have somebody new, exciting and with that wonderful positive fuel which we want to last forever. This means that you will be effectively deleted from our minds. This is the ideal opportunity for you to establish your no contact. We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity. This is because they cannot make sense of what has happened to them, nor what they need to do. They remain in the emotional sea and unable to make any progress.

The desire to sign off and gain some kind of closure by engaging in items 1-5 above (and more besides) means that you try to contact us, whether it is in person, by letter, telephone call or electronic message. At best you will be politely rebuffed and if you accept that rejection and stay out of our way, you are highly unlikely to hear anything more from us until the new primary source is devalued and we come after you by virtue of the hoover. However, if you continue to want to achieve the “sign off” by engaging in sustained contact you will receive malign hoovers to drive you away. You will be smeared even further and you will be triangulated with the new primary source.

However it will not end there.

If you eventually stay away and look at implementing no contact, your post discard behaviour has generated a significant risk to maintaining that no contact. You have already been painted black by virtue of being a treacherous and failed appliance. Your failure to accept you have been discarded (because you keep contacting us) not only infuriates us because we see it as our right to engage in the golden period with the new primary source free from interference from you, but you are failing to do what we want. Yes, we will issue malign hoovers for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you when there is engagement. Your insolent behaviour for not  staying out of our way means that when Follow-Up Hoovers occur at a later stage (subject as ever to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria) is likely to result in a malice obsession trigger so that there are repeated Hoover Triggers and that we will embark on a malign campaign against you.

Thus, when your replacement is being devalued, we will be seeking a replacement and one of two things will happen. We will either devalue the existing primary source, seduce a fresh prospective primary source AND malign hoover you by way of punishment or we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source and then we will torment you. You will be placed on the shelf for long periods by way of punishment. You will be subjected to devaluing behaviour, this being one of the exceptions to when IPSSs usually enjoy elongated golden periods.

It tends to be the case that the Lesser and Lower Mid Rangers will adopt for the malign hoover campaign only. The Upper Mid Ranger and Greaters will adopt one or the other given their greater degree of sophistication and calculation.

Thus the desire to seek some kind of sign off with us when we discard you has numerous effects but so far as no contact is concerned you have created the risk that we will come after you with a vengeance either in a malign fashion or to torment you further by bringing you back under our wing in a supposedly benign fashion.

Your repeated failure to do what we wanted post discard means you run the risk of creating a malice obsession with us and thus this will cause repeated Hoover Triggers so that in ordinary circumstances you may well have reduced the Hoover Triggers to a very low level, but now, you are causing them frequently with the consequences that follow as we keep hoovering looking to disrupt your attempt at no contact.

Thus, that is the risk where you have been discarded. What of when you have escaped?

In this situation you are far more likely to have resolve, worked things out, planned and perhaps you even know what we are. Combine this with how you have been treated by us means that the desire to “sign off”with us in some way is huge. In the case of your escape, this manifests usually in the following ways:-

  1. Seeking to expose us to third parties;
  2. Telling us how terrible we are;
  3. Looking to hurt us in some way;
  4. Unleashing your anger on us;
  5. Telling us we need to change and seek help.

In essence your sign off is not so much about seeking answers and/or sorting things out as it might be when you have been discarded but it is about getting one over on us.

You will undoubtedly feel better for telling us what  obnoxious, unfaithful, hurtful bastards we are. You will feel a sense of relief at telling us how you hate us or how you pity us. You will feel a sense of accomplishment by telling us what we are. However with all of that comes a considerable risk to the no contact you will want to put in place once you have escaped.

First of all, the usual “sign off” is done in a fuel filled manner. If you confront us you will be utterly unable to deliver your tirade or announcement without giving us fuel. Even if by telephone or in a letter it will be fuel filled. I have seen it often. This means that your last act as you escape is to remind us of what an excellent fuel provider you are. The consequence of this means that the Initial Grand Hoover which follows as we seek to bring you back under our control will be fiercer. If the IGH does not work and we are forced to find a new primary source, when there is a Hoover Trigger for a Follow-Up Hoover further in time, you will automatically lower  the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria because you have given us an excellent fuel imprint at “sign off”. Thus you increase the risk of successful hoovers.

If you have wounded us through this sign off (which usually happens with exposure attempts rather than your final message to us) then this  creates a risk to your intended no contact. The IGH becomes furious as we are driven to assert control, gain fuel and heal the wound. You will also have created the risk of causing a malice obsession so that if the IGH fails, you have increased the risk of Hoover Triggers when we devalue your replacement. Thus when you are trying to maintain no contact we will keep hoovering you with intensity. Either from a frenzied IGH or later through repeatedly triggered Follow-Up Hoovers which will be malign in nature.

Accordingly, whilst the desire to “sign off” with us in some way will be either inevitable (post discard since you do not know what you are dealing with) or difficult to resist (post escape because you want your final say to us) the fact of signing off will increase the risk that your no contact implementation will fail.

Resist the temptation to sign off and thus maximise your chances of a successful no contact implementation.

Why We Target You

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When we set our sights on acquiring our appliances to fuel us, it stands to reason that we dedicate the greatest amount of time to the person who is going to be our primary source of fuel. Of course the amount of time dedicated to this depends on the relevant narcissist but all of our kind are looking for certain traits which are prevalent to empathic individuals. There are certain core traits which exist in empathic individuals. Normal people will have some of these traits, probably not all and they will not have the traits to the extent and degree of an empathic person. Thus, this is why normal people are rarely made our primary sources. There are also traits which are known as class traits. These are the traits which appeal to the relevant cadre of narcissist, be that person a Victim, Somatic, Cerebral or Elite Narcissist. The core traits are hugely important to us. Their existence provides us with the three key elements that we take from our victims. Firstly, these traits means that the fuel provision will be high because of their connection to the emotional output from the victim. Secondly, there are certain residual benefits that come from these traits which we want. Thirdly, by attaching ourselves to somebody who has these traits we can pretend we have them too. We do not have these traits. Therefore we want to take them from you to apply to our construct and pass them off as belonging to us. Since we are experts and copying, we do not have these traits for ourselves and we do not feel them, but we are able to replicate what they look like by studying how you behave, because you have these traits. We then apply this to our own behaviour in order to maintain the façade. This fools other people into thinking that we are honest, decent and loving. It also enables us to mirror your traits and reflect them back at you so that you think we have them also. This makes us all the more appealing to you and ensures that you are bound closer to us. Accordingly, identifying these core traits in our victims is extremely important. The more of these traits that you have, the better. The more of these traits that you have, the greater the likelihood of being ensnared by our kind. A combination of the core traits and the class traits appearing in the way you behave and act draws our kind to you. We sense and see these traits and lock our sights on you as a prospective primary source.

There are ten of these core traits. The ideal is to find a victim who has all ten core traits and exhibits them to a considerable degree. We would then also want them to exhibit the relevant class traits which match with the type of narcissist that we are.

The Lesser Narcissist is unaware of these traits but like a hungry wolf sniffing out food he can sense the existence of these traits and know that the person exhibiting them is somebody he wants with him.

The Mid-Range Narcissists recognises these traits as admirable traits for a person to have. He sees them as plus points in the same way as someone might regard someone who is interested in art, travel and classical music, as a good match to start dating. The Mid-Range knows that he values these traits but he does not know the fundamental reason why he is drawn to them.

The Greater Narcissist knows what these traits are and why they are important. He knows the function that they play, he knows better than anybody else how to detect them and the places where (“the hunting grounds”) people can be found who will have these core traits and also the class traits. The Greater can sniff out the existence of these traits and match the target to them before moving in to ensnare that person.

So, what are these traits? Well, here are five of the ten by way of example. It is highly likely that you will have all five of these traits and you will have them in significant amounts because that is why you were ensnared by a narcissist to begin with.

Love Devotee       – we require our targets to be committed to the concept of love. You want to find love, experience love, love and be loved. The idea of love is central to your existence and you truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to love others. Not only does this mean loving those around but above all else you believe in the fulfilment that arises from having that one special person who you are committed to, who you will do anything for and who you will make sacrifices for. The existence of love is a reason, to you to exist and therefore you must find it and once located, obtain it and maintain it. We want love devotees because your dedication to love often blinds you to so much else and accordingly by pretending to give you love we can hook into this trait of yours and it allows us to ensnare you all the more readily.

Compassionate – our target must exhibit compassion. This compassion must be mainly for us although we are content for it to be exhibited for other people and objects such as animals, in order to detect it. If we identify that someone cares more about animals and things and not people however we do not consider that this fulfils our requirement. At an early juncture, if we see evidence of compassion for animals it generally (but not always) follows that this person will be compassionate towards humans as well.

Decent – We look for decent people. People who are well-mannered, polite and understanding. People who have consideration for others, wait their turn in speaking, allowing others to take a slice of cake before anyone else, giving to charity and conducting him or herself in a dignified manner. Decency is an attractive trait because it tells us that you will adhere to certain standards and that you also expect us to do the same. This matters because we know that this is often indicative of the fact that you are therefore unlikely to give up on us when the going gets rough.

Moral Compass –  we prefer a person with a strong moral compass, somebody who would hand a wallet to the police with the contents intact if they found such an item in the street or they would alert the shop assistant if they were handed too much change. This person is monogamous and faithful and believes others should conduct themselves by a similar moral code. Again, this tells us that you are far more likely to hang in there once devaluation starts and our behaviour will offend your moral compass so there will be the accompanying emotional reaction and thus copious fuel.

Caring – an individual who will always look after somebody else. Whether it is through working to provide for us, running the home in an excellent manner, looking after us when we are ill and being concerned about our well-being, the caring trait is very important and must be evident in our primary source especially. Not only will this tell us that you will want to look after us but it also signals to us that when we begin the devaluation of you, you will want to fix us and heal us and therefore you will keep plugging away, trying to do the right thing. It also tells us that we can expect considerable residual benefits from you in terms of you looking after us, which accords with our view of how you should be, subservient and obedient.

One More Time

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Awful isn’t it? Long and empty days that are full of nothing. The mental calendar which each day causes the caustic reminder of what we did with you last month and this time last year. The sweet memories of that glorious golden period when everything was bathed in golden light, coated in sugar and tasted of honey.

Was it only a month ago that we told you that despite everything that had happened that we still loved you? You fought back the tears as those wonderful words spilled from our lips, just as they had done on so many ecstatically happy occasions in the past. Yes, we might have uttered them after another barnstorming battle between you and I, but there, in that instant, the words were said our eyes shone and in an instant we transported you back to those heady and halcyon days of when we first got together.

A year ago the memories come thick and fast, each one a surge of excitement which is then immediately ripped away from you as you realise it is but a memory. The remembrance of our lips locked together as we stood that cold December evening in the town square, the cobblestones frosting and the sounds of other people dim in the background as the fairy tale began.

My, what a wonderful time it was. The twin combination of falling in love and the run-up to Christmas. It was magical. New friends that we introduced you to, exciting times laughing and running through the streets hand in hand to stop at an alleyway and kiss. Oh how we kissed.

The polite introductions to family and sneaking from one bedroom to another whilst staying there over the Christmas period, entwining in one another’s arms and moving together as you drowned in our eyes and the promise you saw there.

The first gift you ever received from us. You have it still, sat on the nightstand by your bed, a hurtful reminder of better times. You still kiss the head of the stuffed toy every night as the memories surge.

You can remember each and every day from the beginning of the whirlwind romance. Where we met during work hours, the first time you stayed at our house, the first time we had dinner at yours. New horizons, landmark events from the minor to the major but all of importance as you systematically and subconsciously logged these occurrences so that you have been able to call on them now.

Now as you sit enshrined in emptiness, our words be they loving or harsh but an echo and our ghost drifting about these rooms which once sounded to our laughter, our passion and our arguments.

It has all gone. The joy and the jealousy have dissipated when we walked away from you and then there was nothing. Silence. Unimpeachable silence.

You cannot stand this nothingness. Everything has become grey. You find no satisfaction in anything. Well-meaning friends have sought to lift you from this despair but nothing has worked. The suggested trips to the cinema, to the lake, to the shopping mall, to dinner at their houses; they have all been rejected because nothing feels the same. There is nothing now. No hatred, no love, no passion, no laughter. Overnight somebody has come and stolen the colour from the world and left with just an overwhelming grey. It was hellish at the time but you would still have the rows, the fights and the accusations because at least then you could feel something. You felt that we still cared because after all why else would we erupt in a temper, slam the doors and throw things around if we did not feel something for you? Surely it was precisely because we cared so much about you that we did all of those things.

Yes it hurt. But the hurt felt so good.

Whether it was the spontaneous lovemaking, the unpredictable gift, the bewildering argument out of nothing or the litany of lies which had you tearing your hair out, at least it was something. Life was never dull. Never.

You felt alive and on a scale that you had not known before. Everything was brighter, bolder and more magnificent. Each day was full of promise and excitement. Tears of joy or tears of despair, it did not matter because we made you feel alive and beyond anything you had previously experienced. The world became a dazzling, vibrant and exciting place. Sometimes you soared, sometimes you plummeted but it was all better than this, better than this barren wilderness.

The songs you once enjoyed listening to are an offence to your ears so you would rather not listen. Clothing appears drab and uninteresting so you leave them in the wardrobe and draws and pull on your 21st century equivalent of sackcloth and continue to mourn the loss of us and our electricity.

Food is tasteless, like ash in your mouth, the conversation of friends a stale monotone which you tune out as you reach into your memory and try to rekindle the blazing rows that you had with us before we kissed. It was hammer and tongs in the living room and then hands and tongues in the bedroom. Passion in war. Passion in love.

You crave a return to those times in order to feel something, anything. Anything which will be better than being numb, listless and disconnected. Nothing is all there is now and nothing is not good enough. You want to feel, you want that addictive, sensuous, mesmerising rollercoaster of an existence again with us. You do not care that we would break your heart and leave you sobbing, the times when we returned with love shining in our eyes and apologies tumbling from our lips caused the relief to course through you like so much lightning and it felt marvellous.

This is dull.

This is boring.

This is nothing.

You know we hurt you but at least you could still feel something. The pain at our infidelity, the annoyance at our Friday night flirtations, your shock at the stinging slap to your left cheek, but there was so much which was wonderful and amazing. Our knowledge of music, the concerts we took you to, the times we danced all night together, the experiences, the events and the ecstasy. Pain or pleasure. Hurt and Hate. Love and longing. You had it all and you want it again.

You have heard the warnings given by your friends to stay away from our toxic tongue. Your family have cautioned against embracing those lying lips ever again. Colleagues have confided in their concerns. The experts have told you how we will not change, that we will keep repeating our abusive machinations against you, up and down, in and out, push and pull. You have heard it all, again and again and again, but it is bland, boring and banal.

You know the risks. You know the hurt. You know the danger.

But you want to escape this non-existence.

Anything will be better than this godforsaken purgatory.

Yes, your personal god has forsaken you and left you in ashes and dirt.

You want us back.

You want the fire, the spice, the passion. Good or bad, you want it back because it is so much better than this emptiness.

You want it all again.

You want us back.

It hurts, but hurt is something to feel and it hurt so damn good.

You need it again.

You need us again.

One more time.