Loves Addiction
In many instances there is often the lament following discard (and even escape) that although your experience with our kind was horrendous beyond measure the sex was out of this world. You miss the sex to an incredible degree. The sex was mind-blowing, intense, hugely satisfying and unlike anything else you have known. Now I know this is not always the case, there are some of our kind who are not interested in sex and some who are useless at it and in those instances you have more than likely been ensnared by a Victim Narcissist. That is not the topic of discussion today. Today we focus on those of our kind who are the sexual Olympian who thrilled and delighted you between the sheets (and plenty of other places too). One of the reasons our kind uses sex as a weapon is because of the addictive quality that we create around the sexual experience you have with us. Why is sex with us so addictive? There are actually several reasons, but the one I wish to focus on today is the concept of LoveSex. This is the link between Love and Sex.
We do not dissuade you from making such a link. In fact we positively encourage you to do this. The way that we seduce you and the way that we love bomb you is designed to inject love into sex so that they effectively become indistinguishable from one another. We are fully aware that irrespective of how self-sufficient you may like to think that you are, how independently you might lead your life, you still have that desire for the white knight. Again, this relates to the way that you have been conditioned by society to regard love and romance. We know about this and exploit this. An honest examination of your thoughts and feelings will result in your admitting that at least on one occasion you have wanted that dashing knight to come riding in on his charger, sweep you in his arms and then take you through to the bedroom where he makes tender and delicious love to you. You have been conditioned to expect to be treated like a princess and we do this when we place you on that pedestal during our love bombing of you. Sex is no different. You want to be taken care of in the bedroom, loved and made to feel special. By providing all of this when we have sex with you then we are blurring the lines between sex and love, binding the two together. Since we are so magnificent in our delivery of delicious and rewarding sex then this entwined sex and love causes you to feel a very special kind of love, better than anything else you have experienced before. We apply all of the loving techniques when we have sex with you. The tender, romantic, slow and caring way we caress and hold you before easing into you all accords with this almost dream-like perception of how sex should be. We do however go further than this traditional model of the handsome prince making sweet, delicate love to his beautiful princess. When we suddenly take you from behind, hitch up your skirt and bend you over a worktop or the back of the settee and have vigorous sex with you we will look to ensure that this type of sex is entwined with love. How do we do this? With words of course. Words come easily to us and are cheap to use. So as we are hammering away and you are admittedly enjoying this spontaneous and energetic sex we will be telling you things such as:-
“I just had to have you. You were stood there and I was overwhelmed with love for you.”
“I love you so much I needed to have you there and then.”
“You do something to me that makes me almost lose control. That is how much I love you.”
“I am so in love with you I just needed to be inside you.”
“You make me crazy in love, I cannot help myself.”
We reinforce this urgent sex with being linked to just how powerful and amazing our love is. The sex itself feels fantastic and when you hear those magical words being said to you from behind the two are melded together. The sex could not be regarded as romantic but that does not matter. Such rampant desire for you to be taken in this manner can only be a symptom of our love for you. This reinforcement will happen over and over again. From the obvious slow, tender love-making through to the quick knee-trembler on a table through to you fellating us in a parked car, we will cause you to associate all of these sexual acts as being manifestations of our truly remarkable love. Eventually, the word sex becomes eroded and every time we do something which is sexual in nature it is seen as love. Everything we do together in the sexual arena is born of love, is because of love and is a manifestation of love.
You are unable to resist this blurring of the boundaries between love and sex. You are not able to prevent sex actually subsuming the notion of love and cloaking itself in the name of love. This lack of resistance happens for two reasons. Firstly, the nature of our sexual couplings with you is so intense and enjoyable you want them and you want them repeatedly. Secondly, aside from the use of sex as a weapon, during the seduction stage you are being love bombed on lots of different fronts. We are saying beautiful things to you, writing you poems and love letters, buying you gifts, taking you to special places, looking after you when you feel ill, introducing you to our friends and so on. This onslaught of loving behaviour magnifies what we are doing on the sexual side. You are surrounded by loving behaviour so that it permeates into everything that we do with you, including sex. Accordingly, over time sex and love become bound up together. The great sex we provide to you translates as the marvellous love that we have for you. Sex is love, love is sex and it feels amazing causing you to become addicted to the sensation. We create lovesex and it is a powerful way of creating an addiction in you.
22 thoughts on “Loves Addiction”
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HG….
Your words are so powerful that they cut through my soul. Being a victim of sexual abuse my narc husband used sex to torture me. I was scared of intimacy but I had to fake loving it. Otherwise he would accuse me of sleeping with other people. I became numb to his belief of love. He took his affection from me as fast as he gave it to me and I longed for it in the end as a dog begs for scraps. My heart was shattered but I craved a flicker of emotion just to feel like I still meant anything to him. Reading your words only confirms my darkest fear….that I was used and hurt by the person I gave myself too. He begged for a child them came and left as he pleased. Each time slandering my name and accusing me of being unfaithful. Each time I read a article it helps me to understand this shell of a man called my husband. I’m drowning by in this sea of oblivion, controlled by the master of my heart strings. All I want is to break free and swim…but I find myself drowning over and over again.
Whenever this topic comes up, I never understand it! I was married 30 years to a narcissist – cerebral, not victim – and I feel like I could count the number of pleasant sexual experiences on one hand. Sex was for domination and if I didn’t like what he did, then I was defective. I am completely at a loss when I hear about all this terrific sex. How can it be great with someone who doesn’t care how you feel or what you want? There was never a golden period or lovebombing in our relationship either. We entered our relationship more like a contract – no romance at all (which was the way I wanted it. Growing up in a family of narcs, I knew romance was lies). Is that not typical for relationships with cerebral narcissists, HG?
Yes I miss the sex but he never made love, never looked me deep in the eyes like it was supposed to be. In the end it was more mechanical and I’ve learned to separate love from sex. Still it was off the charts!
No, no words with the lesser, just a lot of plain fucking. Lol. No, not plain. That would be incorrect.
Sex became a central point of our relationship. It was constant, varied, out of ordinary. We’ve done it everywhere: forest, meadow, street, backyard, a stranger’s backyard, in the middle of nowhere, in my car (many times) in the middle of a snowstorm at night in an industrial wasteland, in a mall’s men’s room, in his friend’s apartment, in his mothers house, in the dirt, in between clean sheets, in the water (in a lake), on a beach.
All positions.
It rarely took longer than a couple minutes from opening the door to his being in me. In the air, and the floor, the closet, in the kitchen, in the bathroom.. place and time didn’t matter.
Last year though, it changed. He stayed longer in my place, overnight, a few days, spending more time with me. And so the sessions began…
long sessions, exhausting, sweaty, losing my mind, till i became raw, and he kept going. There were a couple times before i couldn’t walk without pain afterwards, but this was really painful.
I ended up in Planned Parenthood, and i was told i had lacerations inside, and they werent’ healing fast enough. Every step was painful.
This is how he expressed his love. I know he wanted to love me, to give me everything, the only way he understood love.
I seem to have the only ex narc that was absolutely terrible in bed. I loved the physical affection but the actual sex from kissing to finish was over in about 45 seconds. No lie. Things I loved were simple….holding my hand, stroking my hair, rubbing my back. Dumb stuff like that. To me, those simple things were love.
Not my poison.
Damn it! Explains so much though. Starting with my very first narc.
I need to get that long run in!
An exchange of energy that creates a bond, lol the chemicals in the brain released
Do you use protection with all your multiple partners and fuel sources?
Aren’t you concerned with disease?
I have no concerns about disease NAV.
The sex was incredible because I was so in love with him. Period. Actually over time the ED became his stumbling block or excuse to avoid intamacy. He became cold and a horrible lover over time. Yet, I still remember how his skin felt, his smell, and that burning desire. It’s definitely changed intamacy for me. Kinda sad really. To lose a part of your soul that was once so important
For those of us who have been caught-up in this particular quandary and identify; personally, with this beautiful human phenomenon .. may I suggest that this is at the very core of our success or failure in protecting ourselves going forward. When we DO identify & finally discover this condition within this kind our dysfunctional relationship, we then have to make a deliberate & cognitive choice to continue being used by “this sex drug” or walk-away & go no-contact for the sake of our own dignity. May I suggest that successfully escaping this “LoveSex Addiction” to love, is like that of any substance abuse addiction. Unbelievably one of the hardest human; and in this particular scenario, emotional things to successfully overcome.
I wish you all the very best in your own personal battle. And for what it’s worth, please allow me say that “I DO understand” your emotional pain. For I share in this similarity with you almost everyday. Unfortunately, it is completely up to us as individuals to overcome this; for like any addiction, no one or Rx prescription can fix this for us. We have to make up our own minds to do so individually.
Thank you again HG for shedding more UV light into this emotional human relational addiction. Your incredible transparency still amazes me & I am very thankful for your work of art(s) for our hearts. ;c)
You are welcome RHEFFELB.
Yes, it’s very addicting, and the withdrawals are miserable 💔
It is one of the reasons, knowing what I do now, I entertain hearing JN’s Hoovers each time he makes contact.
But I also don’t think he wouldn’t Hoover as much as he does if it wasn’t as addictive on his side too with me.
Here’s where primal, chemical attraction comes into play too. You just “fit” better with some than others.
I’m sure with the countless girlfriends you have had, there is still a top 3 of your favorites in the bedroom based on the chemistry between the sheets.
Sex is a lethal tool some narcs use so very well. My narc paid close attention to everything i liked and mastered it to perfection. He even confessed he was addicted to sex which never bothered me being very sexual myself. The porn as well didnt bother me. What did bother me was the control behind the sex and how i slowly started to realise he used the sex to get into my head and manipulate me. Theres so much more to it than just the act itself. He also uses it to establish the love connection as stated.
Its so powerful in so many ways. It completely whisks you away from the realities of life, the stresses and the pains and you just become so overtaken by this new world of pleasure and the highest of highs that your body leaves itself and you do become addicted. Your common sense is left behind. Then the narc spins their web of deception and pulls you deeper and deeper into their clutches. Soon you are so engrossed in them and wanting this world you share that you leave your identity behind too.
They tell you they love you and the spectacular sex seems to validate that because everythings so good and feels perfect. The downside is when the manipulations start up and common sense seeps back in. You fight common sense tho because you love the sex love connection and the two clash.
So very powerful and dangerous. I think one of the most deadliest tools imo
HG, does the role of a particular appliance matter in terms of what sexual experience is given to this appliance by the narcissist? Is the most grand performance reserved for the primary source or someone likely to be promoted to primary source or it all depends on the skillfulness and type of a particular narcissist (say, greater vs lower functioning ones)? I was a secondary source involved with a somatic. However, there wasn’t any magic or tenderness you described in the article. There was more talk full of imagery but pretty lousy experience. In fact, after all the talk, it was disappointing. I think my narc was mid-range somatic. Would appreciate your insight. Thank you!
Sex is used as a weapon of mass seduction, but the grandstanding would be used most often for the Candidate IPSS and the IPPS because their positive fuel response is worth the effort of doing so and the embedding of them.
That`s right.
At first he tries to read your sexual desires (method of trial and error) then he fulfills them for a while.
I never met a man before and after who talked such a lot when we had sex. I found that funny first, although I was irritated. Later I recognised that he used this relaxed situation to influence me. You are relaxed and the words you listen reach your subconscious. It is some kind of hypnosis. No more no less. You start to believe the nonsense he tells you and ignore the reality out of bed.
That`s how it functions. Hypnosis. It sounds crazy, I know.
Damn it is so addictive!!
It’s what I miss the most.