Cheating On The Narcissist
I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?
To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-
- During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
- The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
- The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured) with the narcissist that go elsewhere.
- The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
- Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
- Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.
These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?
As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.
A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?
Not us.
You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.
Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.
The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.
The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough. The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.
Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit is he by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.
The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor of go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.
The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his control in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.
If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of the other. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are no persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.
If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.
As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.
Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.
30 thoughts on “Cheating On The Narcissist”
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The narcissit I knew was not violent. Would not give you the pleasure to believed he cared that much. He worshipped his image first and money second. Money because he worshipped celebrity status and the more money he had the more he could fake he was in a higher class than he was. So his big thing was no one finding out that someone would cheat on him. That the cheating was not done with anyone that knew him. He would relish and use this as another tool to remind you how you aren’t as a good person he is. He would brag about how faithful he is and how above other men is and above you. He secretly worshipped women, especially ones of money, power and celebrity status. Yet looked down on any woman who would actually give herself to him. So if you cheated on him he would do all the emotional and verbal stuff described here as the greater. Using your failure as another control tool. Another excuse for you having to tell him where you are and all your plans because you cheated you are not trustworthy ever. You can never be transparent enough. You need him to be that way or you might fail again because you are not like him. You don’t have self control. You need to be controlled. You have to be grateful that he is still with you because you don’t deserve such a good guy. And he will belittle the person that was partner to the cheating. How lesser they are to him. How they didn’t care for you. Only wanted one thing and you were so weak and stupid to fall for it. And with someone of such low class at that. All the while the world must continue thinking you are the perfect couple. Like a powerhouse celebrity couple. And inside he shamed you with you twos dirty little secret. And that is the narcissit I knew and how he went about being cheated on.
My comment about spyware has been removed?
Never mind, I couldn’t find it, now I see it again.
H G, thank you for your very insightful information.
I have a burning question regarding spying. I was seeing this guy (a greater narcissist) for 6 months on a regular basis (we were not in an official relationship) and I have left my phone a couple of times unguarded at his place. After reading a lot about this disorder, I am now affraid that he has installed Spyware on my phone to track me, as he had mentioned a particular place I went to during one of our arguments, but he could not have known I was there, unless he installed something in my phone or one of his Flying Monkeys saw me there and reported it to him.. What do you think is more plausible?
It worries me because I have read a lot about Narcissism on my phone and if I have Spyware on my phone he now knows that I know what he is plus he could have read other alarming conversations about me informing my friend about it…Which could put me in danger. I did some research and nowadays it is very difficult, sometimes impossible to detect spyware on your phone, so I will never know for sure…
What do you recommend me to do?
Thank you in advance.
It is likely. Change phone and if you have a cloud change your password.
Thank you for your comment. Assuming that he has read my browser history and knows that I have read your website and youtube videos.. What would be his next move? Take revenge (ruin my life) because I will not come back anymore, and he therefore does not have control anymore?
Appreciate your advice.
Difficult to answer without knowing more about the type he is, past behaviours, ability to contact you, where the narcissistic dynamic is and so forth. Apt for private consultation to provide the optimum response.
Lulu8
Did you look in your ohone settings to see if hes turned gps on? Under privacy, then location services on an iPhone. If turned on will share your location. HGs advice is best, I just thought if you see that its been turned on and you didnt do it then youd know hed fiddled with your phone. I never leave my phone out anywhere. Even when I meet with someone my first rule is phones in the drawer until we both leave.
NarcAngel, appreciate your help. My location wasn’t turned on, but he had several opportunities and time to actually install a hidden app. And yes, I was too comfortable to trust him, because he was so nice and sincere. Never thought he would do such thing Have locked it now in every possible way I can.
Lulu,
Also, if you don’t have the means to replace your phone do a master/factory reset. Backup the information you need such as phone numbers or pictures and reset.
Thank you. I have done indeed a factory reset. Yet, it scares me if I think about the fact that he could monitor everything I did on and through my phone, and then the repercussions of the fact that I know now what he is and that I told my friend… Lets hope that that isnt the case
Lulu8,
I was and still have the same paranoia. It’s part of their control over us. They study and learn our daily activities. It may appear to be impromptu or stalking which may be true. Or a good guess because they are familiar with out routine. With a narc, I would go with the latter.
.
Will the narc ever leave the cheater? I ask because my ex narc’s new girlfriend cheated. I only know this because he confided in me and needs a “friend”. Crazy part is we still had a relationship as all this was going down behind my back. The situation is crazy and I can’t understand why I’m still in it, but its a train wreck that I can’t help but watch. I’ve know he was a narc for the last 2 years and have distance myself but this was still a huge blow to me. I had no idea he was capable of living another life without my knowledge.
So back to the question. Will he leave his cheating gf? He has done everything you’ve mentioned. Pounded her with questions of the affair and of her previous sexual experiences, called her a sex addict, forced her to go to therapy, calls her horrible disgusting names, contacted all of her friends and told them the story. He has stalked everyone of her previous relationships and had other people contact them on social media to get information. She continues to beg, grovel and worship him. He tells me he hates her but he can’t leave her. This goes on 24/7 and i know this because he screenshots and sends every email, text and IM to me. Just recently he finally pulled the trigger and left. It’s been a little over a week. She still tries to get him back…will he ever give that type of fuel up even though his ego has been wounded by this woman?
…and yes a sick part of me loves to watch his misery.
so if you “cheated” on the narcissist is there than an exception where a final discard occurs?
No such thing as a final discard.
Dear HG,
Isn’t there such thing as a final discard if the ’empath’ does the choosing/ discarding?
No, because in our mind even if you try to escape you belong to us and we will, in the right circumstances, hoover you to bring you under our control again.
Are we still at risk for hoovering if we escaped and did not even say goodbye? In this case, wouldn’t the narc (mid range I think) consider it too much risk of being injured?
See the article How No Contact Feels Part Two.
Does this apply to puedo relationships? Like tertiary source? I am aware that all relationships with narcs are fake but in this case never consummated all fantasy. Like you can’t really cheat of its not real unless you consider cheating with your husband.
HG, I am trying btw, I am almost 10k strong.
It would seem that someone (an empath) deep into the devaluation phase would be a prime target for another narcissist. Cue knight in shining armor allegory. Does this ever happen? Would one narcissist “poach” from another?
Hello Jeff, oh yes.
This happened to me!!!! 🙁 narc #2 was the one rubbing my back and giving me the “there, there, now dear ….” no one should ever be treated the way he treated you.
Oh Narc #2 made Narc #1 look like a walk in the park. It’s a miracle I’m still alive.
I’m smart I’m educated I’m street savvy and, yet ? They still suckered me.
#hindsight #hgineededyou #knowledgeispower
If two narcs hook up its possible. Both are putting on a facade it’s all learned behavior. It’s possible 😊
Oops. Sent too soon…
I cheated on my narcissist w a guy who hetmy narcissist now ex husband found for me. He liked to involve others….for his own gain… (he was after this guys girlfriend….which bc of me… he got. Yw. 😉 )
It was love at 1st sight for me w the new guy. In every way. He was amazing. We continued our sexual play and rendezvous both with my then but now ex husband and alone. Just the 2 of us. My narcissist knew how fond of him i was and of course it infuriated him. But he didn’t actually know i cheated with him. But i didn’t care. As you know…. the narcissist could never let anything like this go unpunished. He didn’t know i cheated but he did know i really liked him as my favorite…and that was treacherous enough to my narc. Believe me…i paid and the magnificent guy paid 2.
In the midst of my divorce… my now ex worked the system…in particular the police and court system… he is a fireman.. and the magnificent guy was a cop in my town then…. my ex fabricated a zillion police reports against me creating a profile of me to the cops that was completely untrue and biased…. (but at that time i was so drained and flattened … and terrified of my now ex narcissist ..i didn’t have the energy to fyi anything about it….i was barely hanging on….i just wanted to be divorced and free from that beast)….
My ex went to the police station and also informed them that i was having an affair w this cop…and that he cannot come to our house on police calls…..
I still to this day do not know why my ex was so influential with this…. and the police dept so dumb…but when me ex injured himself and said i did it…. the cop (my sex guy) who happened to be working that night…..was ordered to not come
…… and i was arrested and put in jail for something i never did.
And you better believe he pressed charges….. hes an evil evil guy. My kids who witnessed this….were/are traumatized by this event to this day. Who could do this to their kids. Watching their mom getting taken away in handcuffs….and thankfully, my kids were there and saw everything. They know i did not do it. Yet my ex….Knowing it was all a lie he was unmoved even for the sake of his kids and the hurt all this caused them.
I never had drama before i met this guy. My narcissist now ex.
I was a teacher…. never ever did anything beyond an occasional speeding ticket that would get me in trouble w the law…. all foreign territory to me. My ex however…..did all this sane crap w his 1st wife…. the difference then was i thought he was the victim …. live and learn….
So im not sorry at all i had great sex w the magnificent cop. Best in my life. 🙂
Upon my last escape, I told my N I had been in contact with a former flame the entire time we were “working things out” . He was massively intimidated by this man, as he was better educated, in better shape, and much more successful. He asked constantly when we were together, if I continued to be in contact, which I was not, but I wanted that to be my last parting shot. My question, do you believe after this massive insult, telling him I stayed in contact with this person, will finally mean he goes away, and stays away? My desire to injure him has over take over any empathy that I had for him in the past.
The more I read, the more I see it is better to be the dirty little secret.
Recent text from MidRange:
He: Hey you getting any?
Me: Why do you ask?
H: Just want to make sure my girl is happy and taken care of
M: But Im not your girl. It was fun but its done
H: You are. We are amazing together. Never done. Im sorry Ive been missing you but thats going to change immediately.
M: No need. Im fine
H: Remember how much you liked me to ………….Say it.
M: I dont know what you mean
H: Say it girl!!
M: We both said a lot of things. Remind me.
H: Brand me!
M: ? What?
H: Meet with me. Put your brand on me (belt).
M: No branding. I do not own you or you me.
H: Not true
M: Listen I have something important I need to do. Take care.
There have been a few attempts to contact but not the flurry of activity previous and I have not replied. He is married, cannot afford problems at his job, and of course being mid-range is a coward. Funny though as per the post, his thinly veiled attempt to see if I am cheating on him. And the way he responds alternating pity with anger just as HG has outlined. Never done in their eyes. Bang on.
I cheated on my narcissist at the end….with a giy
Yet it is not cheating. Especially considering we are in a false relationship with you. Odd how that all works out. And levels the playing field.
And being a super empath…and have hit a huge level of enlightenment..you suddenly realize that you are not in a relationship and you awaken and think…what was I so scared of…this man who would stick it in a dog if he knew it would hurt another..?
Why would I worry or bother to be disconcerted by something that is an illusion in every way. The only real thing would be me engaging in a loving consensual sex act with another. It never happened with the narc…did it..I cannot cheat on an illusion, nor a person who is using sex as a weapon. Everything about you is false.