Don’t Fail Me
I have exacting standards. It is important to do so in order to achieve success and make my mark on the world. Owing to this, I hate being let down. If you tell me that we are meeting for lunch at 1pm then I expect you there at 1pm. Punctuality is the politeness of kings. If you are late you are telling me that you do not value my time. That is unacceptable. If you explain that you can deliver the product I want, the way I want it and in the colour I have chosen, I expect you to adhere to that. I am not interested in excuses. I will exert my influence as far as I can to ensure that what I have been promised is provided. I will cajole, coerce, persuade and harass to ensure the outcome is as was confirmed to me. Hotels, restaurants, shops, online providers, sporting venues, bars, people, products – all of them have been subjected to my precision and desire for high standards. I provide excellence in my profession (of course aided by a legion of underlings but it is at my direction).
Nobody likes to things to be wrong do they? Nobody wants a blue car when they asked for black. Nobody wants the wrong name or age on their birthday cake. I am sure I am not alone in my desire to achieve error-free services, goods and people. That is a laudable sentiment. Should I fail to deliver on my promises then it will be because I have been let down first. I have an aversion to disappointment and my failing can only arise as a consequence of the neglect and negligence of another. Each and every day I strive to ensure that I am not left flailing in the wind, as dejection cuts through me as a consequence of having been let down. It cannot happen again.
Where does this demand for delivery and high standards come from? It comes from my dread and fear of being let down. I cannot stand it. It breaks me in two and rips open a wound that has never properly healed. Being let down undermines me, makes me feel unwanted, unnoticed and unappreciated. All things which are anathema to me. He let me down all those years ago. I relied on him. Well, we relied on one another. It was, or at least it was as I thought, an unbreakable bond. I looked to him and admired how he carried on, when all hope seemed to have gone. The towering waves of misfortune and misery would crash against him but he was always unbroken and unbowed. He said that he would always look after me. He told me that he would protect me against those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I knew the world was a dangerous place, a cruel domain which showed no mercy and took no prisoners. I had seen with my own eyes what this place had done and could do. I was under no illusion as to the harshness of the vagaries of treading along the mortal path. He listened to my hopes and fears and he understood them like no other. He made me feels safe and wanted. I hung on his every word, mimicked what he did and pledged my unswerving loyalty. He accepted my fealty with open, gracious arms and I fell into them, safe in the knowledge that nothing could tear us apart. He promised me that,
“I will never let you down.”
I still hear his voice saying those words. But he did. He left. He let me down.
16 thoughts on “Don’t Fail Me”
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See its the abandonment. The two fears that eff up children the most are abandonment and death. Your good doctors have told you that I’m sure. These are the root cause of facade building. Could you not focus on the good that person showed you and the safety that you felt prior to the abandonment? They all let me down too. I just refocused on what tiny fragments of good there were instead of the greater negatives that hid the good for so long. It’s all perception. I know you know this stuff. You are super intelligent. Your stance on it is just in direct opposition of mine. I respect that but, I don’t have to like it. God dammit you’d feel so much better. It’s so frustrating to read. As I’m sure you sit saying “God dammit ABB, when are you going to give up bitch? I am not changing what I am! Your comments are so frustrating to read”!
HG
Was ‘he’ another part of yourself? For example: like in the movie Fight Club.
HG
Like often we all have another side of ourselves in as much being stoic for example. We kind of ‘lean’ on that side of ourselves..telling ourselves we will get through and/or whatever applies.
Sometimes ending up losing our resolve and that side of ourselves is lost perhaps?
Is the ‘he’ a metaphor for it being another side of you in other words? Another part of yourself…?
You have mentioned split thinking before.
Mr Tudor , apologies if this question is too personal but do you think you would not become who you are now if your father would not died ?
Not at all. His death has had no impact.
A Grandfather?
No.
Great piece! Im thinking your brother? Back when you were much younger?? Before all this true narcism kicked in and truly took over your life?? Is that the case HG?
No and thank you.
But darling when daddy walked in, I had to let you down so I could ⛽️ him. Don’t be such a baby.
When it came to services being rendered correctly the narcs made me feel like I was overreacting and unreasonable. Calm down…(I was calm) it was just a mistake apologizing for my behavior which in my opinion wasn’t that harsh. If I specifically asked for something and received the wrong item or say no pepper due to allergies and the waiter shows up with pepper crusted steak. I would politely restate my initial order and asked to have it prepared again. Even, the lessor, lessor, and lessor😊 would try to make me feel like crap. Now I know it was for triangulation.
I want the wrong age on my birthday cake if it’s younger. 😀
I love your books so far…esp Fury ..I hope my comments don’t piss you off, or ignite the Fury. I’m not criticizing you. Im sure I would be fascinated with you in person upon meeting you. Anyways, I came across this article describing Leviathan, “the great sea creature who may have an explosive producing mechanism to enable it to be a real fire breathing dragon.”….it reminded me of your book “Fury”….Here is more if you care to read…
“The Leviathan spirit can afflict generations of the same family as a result of Freemasonry, or if an ancestor has ever been a Grandmaster of a lodge, or into High Level Witchcraft. Anxiety is a manifestation, due to Lack of love from the father. The spirit of anxiety wraps himself around your spine to control your central nervous system. An over-active nervous system is the reason your body becomes flooded with adrenaline during times of fear or other stimulus. (criticism?). When lack of love from the father (or mother?) is exhibited, this sets you up for disaster. Your life is centred around receiving approval. You would have suffered much rejection from others. You want approval from God and others. You strive in your life and circumstances. You strive to be Perfect. Perfectionism is a spirit who is also under the control of Leviathan. Manifestations of Leviathan are a sore neck and shoulder area. You carry tension in your body. Leviathan is a seductive spirit who sets out to deceive. He will offer himself to you as false protection and will do all he can to prevent you from ultimately trusting God, Who is our very life Source, not our parents. He is a control spirit and will want you to be in control of everything, not trusting in God to take control. People who carry Leviathan will struggle with pride and like to exaggerate stories to others in order to look good, or appear prominent. They will suffer with false dignity and self righteous pride always trying to justify their actions and convince people that they are right. Judging and having a critical spirit is another trait of those who carry this spirit. (but yet criticism from others ignites your Fury). Discord and contention will be prevalent with Leviathan around. Confusion and mind blocking is a major attack of Leviathan. He brings in a spirit of distortion that will twist words so that you will hear differently to what people are saying. If someone tells you that you look nice today, you will ‘hear’ sarcasm and believe they are really telling you that you look terrible. He wants to divide and cause conflict. Leviathan is the great mimic. Leviathan is depicted as having seven heads which are Pride, Rebellion, Critical Spirit, Confusion (Stupor), Impatience, Lying tongue (Deception) and Contention (Discord, Hate, Murder). These are reflected in Proverbs 6:16-19: “These six things the Lord hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.”
Leviathan will stand guard at the door of your heart, preventing God from entering. To defeat this spirit you need to have a personal relationship with God and learn the Word, asking the Holy Spirit for revelation of the Word to expose deception will thwart this spirit.
The Sword (Word of God) is your greatest weapon against him. “In that day the Lord with His severe sword, great and strong, will punish Leviathan the fleeing serpent, Leviathan that twisted serpent; and He will slay the reptile that is in the sea (Isaiah 27:1, NKJV).
For God is my King from of old,Working salvation in the midst of the earth. You divided the sea by Your strength; you broke the heads of the sea serpents in the waters. You broke the heads of Leviathan in pieces, and gave him as food to the people inhabiting the wilderness (Psalm 74:12-14, NKJV).
This is heartbreaking… I’m so sorry… I wish I had the right words..
Do you people EVER take responsibility for your actions?…or your malignant PRIDE that results in your tormented existence, because it isn’t LIFE you live…it’s merely existence….I thoroughly enjoy your blog, and books, but I’ve noticed a pattern…your kind thinks that because you are superior to everyone else, you don’t have to admit you could be wrong about anthing, thus you refuse to take responsibility for your actions or reactions, especially your fury. So you must be GOD, because if you expect the rest of us to change to accommodate you, then you are perfect, which means you are Jesus Christ Himself. But, can you raise the dead?. or stop the sun from shining, or control your own angst?….It’s a wonderful glimpse inside your mind to understand how your kind thinks, but it’s sad that you don’t see your need for freedom from the tormenting hell of pride that you think is your heaven….