A Brief Period of Rejoicing
The period of devaluation will feel like an ongoing onslaught against you as the various methods of manipulation are deployed against you. We know that it cannot be an unending assault, for no matter how tempting it may be to keep exacting the negative fuel from you as a consequence of your tears, fear, frustration and anger, there is only so much that you can sustain before you decide that enough is enough and you depart. Bringing about such a swift cessation of our primary source of fuel is contrary to our needs and therefore the abusive regime must be rationed in order to provide for the maximum return. Furthermore, if we were to maintain a permanent state of abuse then we would also bring about your failure to function as a reliable appliance. Either you would break under the onslaught or you would eventually become de-sensitised too it and no matter how hard we tried to up the ante, it just would not have the same effect. Whether broken or de-sensitised such a condition results in the interruption to our fuel supply and that is of the paramount importance.
To avoid this happening we will provide various periods of respite during the devaluation phase. This creates the push and pull factor that you become so familiar with. This is what creates the sensation of being strapped to a rollercoaster with no capacity to control its direction or speed. You will be subjected to a silent treatment out of nowhere. One moment you will be relaxing on a Sunday afternoon after a pleasant lunch and then you ask us an innocent question. There is no answer. You ask again in case we have not heard but we remain reading the newspaper. You ask a third time and we fold down a section of the newspaper so that we may peer at you from behind it as that ice-cold glare forms. You are immediately taken aback and your look of hurt and confusion provides the fuel as you ask us what is the matter. Silence. You ask again. Silence. You get up and come over to us and keep asking what is wrong, what is it that you have said, please will we talk to you. More silence. You replay the day so far, in your mind and then you engage in asking us whether when you did this was that what has upset us? Or perhaps when you said something else, is this what has brought this silence on? We of course give you no clues, we provide no answers and your anxiety increases. You move away, desperate to know what it is that has caused the sudden silence but you are wary of irritating us further. You fix us a drink but it is left untouched and then when you next return to the living room we have vanished. You call out through the house and search through it but we cannot be found. Our car has gone from the driveway and you ring our mobile ‘phone. It rings but there is no answer. You keep trying and you also send text messages but there comes no response. This lasts a day, three days or even more and throughout this your anxiety and worry has heightened. All the while we know precisely how you will be reacting and we also see the calls, the texts and we are told by friends that you have been in contact with them worried sick. It all provides fuel.
We then walk back into the house as if nothing has happened and smile at you. We see the relief flood across you and the tears of joy welling in your eyes as yet more fuel comes our way. We hold our arms out and like the child being granted access again to a once angry parent you dart into them, the surge of emotion rippling across you as you feel relieved, delighted and happy. This cessation of the silent treatment, or another form of abusive manipulation that we will deploy during the devaluation stage does not end there. We take it further. We reinstate the golden period so that not only are you so relieved that the horrible silent treatment has ended you become elated that this wonderful period has returned. We treat you like we did during the seduction, telling you how much we love you, we buy you a gift, we help out around the house and arrange to take you somewhere special for dinner. That night we take you to bed and make love to you in that delicious way once again and you sleep soundly, feeling safe and secure once again. You give yourself a pat on the back for having endured the difficult period of our silent treatment because it has been worth it in the end. The golden period has come back. You gently scold yourself for having even been worried and rationalise that we obviously needed some space or it was a reaction to being under considerable stress at work. You may have asked us about why we disappeared and you will not have received the truth. You will have been give plausible platitudes such as
“I’ve a lot on my mind and I need room to think.”
“I had to get out before something terrible happened between us.”
“I need some space to breathe, things have been intense as of late.”
These are just excuses that we know you will accept because you are the forgiving type and besides, we are back and the golden period is as well, so you do not want to do anything to jeopardise that by subjecting us to some kind of inquisition. Indeed, there are times, despite your need to know, that you decide it is better to ask nothing and instead revel in the fact that we have come back. We will act as if nothing has happened and you are content to accept that. Peace is so much more enjoyable than war and what a golden peace it is too.
Whether it is the silent treatment, shouting at you, criticising you, intimidating you, messing about with other women or men or all of them, we will call a halt (and there is no logic as to when this will happen so do not think you can see a sign that it is about to change) when we see fit and end the awful treatment by providing you with respite.
This respite prevents you from upping sticks. It prevents you from failing to function. It maintains our source of fuel. This respite provides the contrast so that the positive fuel arising from your joy, delight and relief is powerful indeed. It also provides the contrast for when the devaluation will commence again and it will, so that the negative fuel that flows takes on renewed potency.
Moreover, these acts of kindness which are scattered throughout the devaluation period as a whole act to bind you to us. You feel relief. You also know, when the abuse begins again, that if you hang in there and try to work things out, the golden period will come back once again, you just have to wait and keep working hard to recover it. You are duped into thinking that its restitution is as a consequence of your clingability and something you have done to please us. It is not. You may as well roll a die and the number will equate to the number of weeks of abuse that you will endure before we switch and provide you with respite. Just like the terrorist who takes civilians hostage and frightens and beats them, he will show an act of kindness by allowing the captive to shower or make a call to a relative. The captive then feels warmth towards their captor, despite what they are doing to the captive overall and this engenders hope that another small act of kindness will be exhibited if the captor is kept onside. You are captive to our narcissistic wiles and just like a hostage you will await these moments of tenderness, kindness and the return of the golden period. You will do what you can to keep us onside so that they can return because we have imbued you with the hope that the golden period will return. Thus you remain bound to us and this will allow us to continue the extraction of fuel. This has to happen for the contrast is required to allow the devaluation to be protracted and to continue to provide the fuel.
You are duped into believing that you can influence us to cause the restoration of the golden period and keep it in place. You cannot. You may as well roll a die and the number that comes up will be the number of weeks that you will endure the particular abusive manipulation or manipulations before we suddenly switch back to a period of respite and the golden period.
You will rejoice when this golden period returns and you are given respite. The reality is that it will only ever be a brief period of rejoicing.
31 thoughts on “A Brief Period of Rejoicing”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
😞
H.G.
It has been mentioned in previous articles that the negative response fuel is the most potent of the two…
If this is true, is the uplifting of the empath simply for the letdown?
Is it to watch the fall?
Love bombing is just the setup?
Please clarify….Thank you.
The uplifting of the empath is to bind you to us and to gain the best positive fuel but it also rather neatly serves to make your devaluation all the harsher and thus the negative fuel more potent through output and contrast.
Through the very fortunate findings of HG’s writings …I have found closure on an otherwise seemingly impossible path of healing my experiences. I have met an incredible woman, whom of which I have shared my experiences. She reads your blog daily. It has brought us closer on an intellectual and emotional level of understanding human behaviors. I can say with confidence to all that share their experiences here and struggle …there is light! We loved the illusion. It was not real, but nevertheless we felt the hurt and pain beyond imaginable depth. I read where the no contact rule was broken. It happens. We’ve all done it. It part of the process. Find the goodness that still very much exists in you. That’s what attracted the narcissist from the beginning. A mirror of your amazing self that is nonexistent with a disorder individual. That’s why they need us! Otherwise they would fade into oblivion.
I see now that while I thought my case was a bit different in that I really didn’t experience the silent treatment. However, I did experience it as you have described in this post. I would ask a question and get silence. Aha moment !
One reason I think he would not do the “no speaking thing ” when we were alone is I myself am very much a person that can sit in silence and be totally comfortable and confident. So I guess this and my own need for personal space allowed me to be spared as there was no fuel to gain from it.
I’m not sure the “love making” is really that great. It might be good enough for the purpose of placating the appliance.
You know those doors as you are entering a department store that are revolving. That is exactly how this feels. The minute you step out of that door, it’s still spinning.
HG,
Completely Off Topic….
You watching Depeche Mode Live on Twitter Tonight? What are your thoughts on the New Release Spirit? The Deluxe Edition of Course. I won’t tell you what I like cause who cares?
No, I went out. I am still listening to it at present and yet to form an opinion yet.
I listened to it while I got ready. Not that you care but…#5 You Move is my favorite. Like 6,8,9,11,12,13,15,16,17.
That was on my first listen. Let us know when you form your opinion. 💙
are there respite triggers?
such as her having a look of resignation, saying “i cant do this”
or withdrawing affection?
Yes.
We were fine, as you said ” gold period”, but I stoped the contact with him for 1 month because I want to go to a trip with a person who is really important to me and I did not want to have any contact with the Narc.
When I came back from the trip, I started to talk to him again.
How do you feel when someone decide to leave you?
See How No Contact Feels Parts One to Three.
I have experienced all of this by a mid-ranger! Would ignoring him when both extreme behaviours appear be helpful? As a last resort to sanity I am employing this.
Very much so. We hate being ignored.
There comes a time though where we eventually think ‘been there, heard that, know the outcome’. Happened to me many years ago, and the guy would always say ‘you always make threats but never follow through, you’ll never leave me’. One day I walked out that door and never returned, he was so shocked because he’d used those words on me 100 times before. People do reach their limit.
What does alarm me somewhat is that I’ve used those phrases myself. With no intent to manipulate, but I get very claustrophobic with people and need space. The more I move away, the more they chase until I have to make up excuses. If they would just leave me alone for a week I would have time to settle down from whatever situation I’m in (usually not related to them), and be okay. Eek, maybe I’m a narc.
You have no idea how valuable this information is. Okay, yes you do…
If they really don’t know they are narcissists then how do they know how to be so strategic? Is it just second nature? Does it come naturally? HG, I could see that for lessers or mid-range but don’t the greaters know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it?
Lesser are all instinct, an upper lesser will have a little calculation. Mid-Range is largely instinct with some calculation. Greaters are some instinct and a lot of calculation.
Hmm I like the picture. I have one similar but much better.
HG,what if the primary is unaffected by the devaluation and the same through out respite period except for showing annoyance? Do you up the ante or disengage?? are you familiar with transitional targets and if so would you equate it to the role of dirty little secret??
Annoyance is fuel. If this negative fuel level is not good enough however and we have a new primary source prospect ready to embed, then we will dis-engage. If the fuel level is decent enough and there is no new primary source ready to embed, we will change manipulations to up the ante.
HG, I am an IPSS to a midrange coworker. He’s recently discovered that I’m onto him. The silent treatment is in full effect. Whatever, I’m not much of a fuel supply at this point. How likely is he to smear/disrepute/damage/destroy me professionally, socially, personally? I’m nice to him, but not readily available and gushy like I was recently.
Less likely than if you were an IPPS. If you do nothing to expose him through your knowledge or challenge him, he is far less likely to smear and instead remain dis-engaged with you because you are not compliant.
What does it do to the Narc when we move on to someone better than them?
Better than us? No such thing.
It depends when you do it. If we dis-engaged with you and we have a new IPPS who is in the golden period we are unconcerned by what you as the old IPPS is doing.
If you escape and move on, it wounds us and ignites our fury. This is likely to lead to malign hoovers subject to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria.
bassfishes (not HG tho)
seriously? initially I called them out and reacted rationally i.e. “uhhh..what the fuck, psycho boy? u need a tampon or a hug?” because at first I KNEW whatever the hell someone else does or says has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my character or worth and I hold weirdos accountable for their deranged, out of left field, inappropriate behavior. Either I’d call them out on their wack ass mood change, or I’d diffuse the situation by clearly calling attention to the fact I see the attempt for sadistic-like behavior but then give an easy. way out by stating something loving and silly (*example: “Bitch, don’t turn crackhead crazy with me. I see you, hater. Now relax and quit trying to stir up shit.”)
I really felt that they mostly resorted to that pattern of behavior due to being bored or feeling compelled to toy with the average female and her mental awareness and capacity. (or, lack thereof) I still am confused as to why not a single one has been able to maintain me as a brilliant supply. It’s infuriating that the “greatest” of them always forget the essentials..like, food and water. Yea, one needs those to just barely stay alive..if not also successfully and happily be enough of a primary source that no other is typically needed.
Desperately trying to get through? I see this article really hit home for you. And while I’m not the super empath, I’m sure HG is good at atleast helping some obtain some real dignity.
Just thinking, I sound like you using the term “super empath” HG. But what I mean is, tha I’m not empathic to narcissist..