Is He Alone Now?
You have been discarded or perhaps you have succeeded and escaped our grip. You cannot help still but wonder what we are doing, especially if we have discarded you. The thoughts run through your mind repeatedly. What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Where has he been today? Why have I not heard from him? Why did he do that? What did I do wrong? A thousand and one questions which whirl around in your mind. This is always the case when you have been discarded and even when you made your escape the questions still come thick and fast because so much has not been explained or answered. Furthermore, as an empathic individual you cannot help but wonder what we are up to, what we are thinking and how we feel. It is an automatic response for someone like you and is part of the reason why you remain susceptible to a hoover. Sometimes you may be wondering how we are or how we are managing. You may hope that we are miserable and dejected by losing you. You engage in stalking our social media, driving by where we work or live, have friends ask what we are up to and you will try and contact us direct to try and establish what has happened (where there has been a discard). Whether you escaped or whether you were discarded there are several burning questions on your mind and one of those is; is he with someone else now? You do some snooping and detecting and the answer appears to be, yes, he is alone. There is no sign of a new significant other. There is no mention of a new girlfriend or partner and we have not been spotted with anybody else when we have been sighted around town. We appear to be alone. What does this mean?
If this situation manifests with the Lesser Narcissist, one has to consider the position where there has been escape and where there has been discard. Those factors apply to two scenarios being in play. The first is the Lesser will be engaged in Bouncing. Addressing Bouncing following your escape first of all.
He will have a new primary source but he will not regard her as a girlfriend. She will in all likelihood be an inner or outer circle friend of the Lesser. This is especially likely where you have escaped. With no time available to put in place a replacement who has been cultivated, the Lesser will have erupted and then sought the nearest fuel solace. The easiest way for him to do this, rather than expend energy seducing somebody new and comparatively unknown or even unknown, would be for him to promote this secondary source into a primary. This person will be “comforting” the Lesser after his awful and terrible treatment at your hands. The Lesser however will not make it known that he as a new primary source because he will want to milk sympathy from onlookers and also use this sympathy to enable him to move to another friend who will offer him “comfort”. Very quickly he will move between these two (maybe more) appliances. One weekend the first person will be his primary source but not referred to as a girlfriend or such like. A few days later he will move to a different one. He has no issue with this. He is accountable to nobody. He has no need to announce the relationship since keeping it quiet affords him more opportunities for fuel.
In terms of Bouncing where there has been a discard, this happens where the Lesser is not completely satisfied that the primary source he was cultivating is embedded as he would like. You may well have been discarded because you failed to provide fuel and this failure is dramatic and took place before your replacement has been properly embedded. Accordingly, the Lesser will be hedging his bets by going between two potential primary sources, alternating between them until he decides which is best and which is embedded. Then he will make the announcements, but until that point he gives the appearance of being alone.
The second scenario concerns Keeping It in the Family. This is often applicable to the Victim Narcissist. If you have escaped the Lesser, he may promote a family member to be primary source rather than promote an inner circle friend to an intimate partner. He turns to his mother or sister, wailing of his misfortune and how terribly he has been treated. He may move back to the childhood home and this is where he gains his fuel, all of the sympathetic mothering fuel. Hence he appears to have no intimate partner because there is not one. Even if there has been a discard, the Lesser may decide to Keep It in the Family by playing on his woes as he continues to cultivate quietly a prospective primary source.
With the Mid-Range when he appears to have no intimate partner and appears to be on his own, it is not the case. He will have a new intimate partner as a primary source but he does not want you to know about her. Not yet. This is applicable when there is both discard and escape. The Mid-Range, being the most passive-aggressive of the schools of narcissist may not have embedded his prospective primary source with the confidence he would prefer (especially if you escaped) and therefore lacking the raw aggression of the Lesser and the swaggering confidence of the Greater, he keeps a low profile until he is confident that there is a successful attachment. He does not want you knowing about this primary source for fear you may interfere and mess up this much needed source of fuel. It is only when he is confident that the attachment has been secured that he will engage in Relationship Bulletins and the like.
Turning to the Greater. Of all the schools of narcissism, the Greater is able to function for longer without a primary source than the Lesser or Mid-Range. This is because he has extensive secondary sources to whom he can turn. Thus his extensive social circle, loyal Lieutenants, devoted family and admirers who are jostling for position to be chosen as the new primary source will provide him with enough fuel to allow him to function. He will not be at the top of his game and would much prefer to have a primary source in place, but if you escaped and you have pushed the narcissist into Chaos Mode, he will be working to secure that primary source behind the scenes but is content to show that he “does not need anybody” in the meanwhile. Although the reality is he will be clamoring to find a new primary source, he does not want you thinking that. He will want you to think he remains aloof, self-sufficient and not making a bee-line for anybody who will have him. He can be choosier than that. He has standards. This is the appearance he wishes to project and to a degree it is true, but he cannot remain choosy for long, the demands of fuel are ever present and those secondary sources will only sustain him for so long.
The bottom line is that a primary source is always needed by the Lesser and the Mid-Range, more or less immediately following escape or discard, because of the demands of fuel. It is only an appearance as to why the Lesser or Mid-Range seems single (save when he Keeps It in the Family). The Greater needs the primary source soon, but he can last for longer without one and will revel in demonstrating that to you by saying “I don’t need you or anybody in fact, I am my own man.” It is of course an artifice. The Greater needs his primary source just as much, he is just fortunate because of his grandiosity, magnetism and charm he has far more secondary sources to turn to.
34 thoughts on “Is He Alone Now?”
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HG. I take it by posting my comment through that you are okay. Roundabout answer. I will take it. Ignore..ignore…remember how you hate that.
Snow White. There are always going to be triggers. Innocuous intentions…charming is dangerous. People can hopefully learn that.
Is he alone, dkdc…Does he wonder if I am, dkdc
You are polite. I say IDGAF.
haha, and there’s nothing like NC to say #@&^!
Is he alone now?
Who friggin cares! If you wanna ride that bus again for some reason, theres a stop on every corner and online. Theyre everywhere. Hop on and enjoy another golden period instead of wasting away trying to get it back with the current vapors of illusion youre enduring. This time make sure you get a somatic so you can at least experience some decent sex before you transfer. No love in that you say? Theres no love in any of them. You may as well be in love with a rock. I thought we were clear on that.
Does a mid range keep it in the family? I ask because my ex who is a victim cerebral mid range narc is adamant to all our friends that he doesn’t want a relationship and never wants to settle down. He’s nearly fifty. I suspect he’s engaging in casual flings or has a secret woman somewhere else in the country who thinks she’s his girfriend,but really isn’t. Is it possible he just can’t keep the facade of relationships any more so gets his supply from casual relationships and friends? Because he can’t risk another gf locally because with two women upset with him he’d be exposed?? How does that issue work with narcissists? He’s very close to his mother but I can’t see how she’d give him supply any more as she has dementia. Have I got him wrong, is he not a narc?
They also wonder if the ex is alone or not, right? Or they just don’t care.
As mentioned previously, it depends at what point of the dynamic you are at with our kind.
I am going to be vrry mean. He. Is alone and has a horrible infection. I feel horrible for revealing this but ai am feeling mean and angry. Karma gonna get me. I ma taking this out on him and he doesn’t deserve it.
There are many days Jaded that I feel mean and it takes some time to get that feeling out of me. Sometimes I wake up that way and I can’t help it. My husband asks me why I’m so bitchy and that just makes it worse. Lol
Some days there is no reason to give for the way that I feel. I have no apologies either.
At least I’m not paralyzed on the couch crying everyday like I used to.
That is progress, Snow White.
Yes it is. I’ll take any little bit I can get.
Grab it and run.
My pace is getting faster Jaded. Lol
Yay.Also I’m happy your daughter is recovering from her crash. I hate to say accident bc that is preventable. ❤
Thanks Jaded!
Much appreciated❤️
She wrote an article for her school newspaper and that was a great way to get some anger out.
A lot of angry vibes in my house over spring break. Lol
I broke out the black lipstick 😂
Your daaughter wiill heal. It will take time. That is awesome about the black lipstick. I own it as well as black nail polish. I want (pun intended) a yin/yang tat on my inner wrists. Hair would be pink but now I’m thinking jet black with a streak of red. Lol, so work inappropriate. If I ever retire…watch out
The hair, polish, and tattoo sound fantastic Jaded!!!!
I vote for the black and red.
I’ve always loved wearing black but it seems to be representing my mood more these days. I must look ok because my little preschool girl told me I looked pretty with my glossy black lips and a little boy told me my lips were beautiful. Lol…. they make me laugh. Thank goodness for children.
We all know how long healing can take.
Unfortunately……
Just when I think that I am past most of my PTSD along comes the word “CHARMING” on Grey’s Anatomy from a woman and that was an immediate breakdown. Now it’s been a whole week of triggers.
Kids don’t lie when talking about appearance. I think the black hair and red streaks can be doable. Black is so high maintenance. Idk if i want to go there. It sounds fun.
HG. On a sober note, i hope you and your fellow humans aka fuel sources (that is such a fucked up way to put it) are okay. Please be safe.
You are right on Jaded when you say that about kids. They are sometimes too honest with me. I wore my hair straight a lot last year and when I curled it they would ask “why is your hair so messy”? LOL… glad I took the extra time to look good. They love to guess my age too.
Is your hair still auburn?
I second Jaded’s hope that everyone is ok over in the U.K.
Hi Snow White. It is still auburn. I sometimes wish I could go blonde like HG…gotta keep him in the convo…but highlights are the best I can do.
Me too Jaded!
Maybe one day. Lol
But I’m sure you are as beautiful as HG is handsome.
That is kind of you to say. External beauty is subjective. I’ve been told I have unusual looks. I take it as the 4 letter u word.
Sometimes is there no woman as a primary source? I would appreciate your opinion on my exhusband, HG. The best I can determine he is a greater cerebral. He has never replaced me with another woman (divorced 10 years), but does still call me nearly every day and see me every week. It seems to me his primary source is his work (great negative supply) and our oldest granddaughter (4yrs old – not sexual, purely her adoration). Does that seem likely to you? Only if you wish to answer, of course.
The primary source is either intimate (thus gf/bf/spouse/partner), non-intimate (family) or intimate incestuous (family). In the majority of cases it is intimate. Sometimes it is the other two types, usually non-intimate. It may be he has an IPPS you are unaware of, or his granddaughter is a NIPS (although given her age I doubt this is the case) and therefore it may well be the case that he as a fuel matrix which includes you as a NISS, other secondary sources from his workplace, social group and family and he operates through a raft of high-fuelling secondary sources and no primary source which fuels him. This would not be as high a fuel level as usual and this can happen with people who are older.
Thank you very much for responding to my question. I believe your last option may be the correct one. He certainly has many important and obvious secondary sources (both work and family) and is constantly in contact with one or more of us either in person or with his phone. And of course he is older. He’ll be 61 this year. Thank you again.
Hello HG,
Am going to give you some details n Would love to have your in- put on my husband’s situation .
1] My husband told me , Him n His brother were terribly abused as children by their father, Idk much about his mother as, he only told me she died of lung cancer . When, he was like 25. { He is 50 now} His brother is the younger of the 2 n a nice normal guy, Married to the same woman 27yrs.
2] Their father has been married 4x’s n still married.
3] My husband has been married 4x’s n I’m wife #4. n still married.
4] HE has a 28yr.old daughter n He treats her like the wife n they both treat me like, I’m the home wrecking mistress.
5] On our 1st anniversary , we couldn’t celebrate as he said, we had no money but, the next day gave HIS daughter money. When,I got angry about it he went into a Rage. Pushing, towering over me n telling me it was none my F-ing business.
6] A few days after, Our 1st anniversary { Last Oct. } He went into another Rage n this one had nothing to do w HIS daughter. moved out of our home. On his way out the door he told me, Just remember, This is ALL your fault! He stopped talking to me.
7] He stalked me for awhile but, wouldn’t talk to me.
8] I gave up n went NC last Dec.
9] When, I knew he was at work , I packed up n moved away n am in hiding. He doesn’t know where I’m at. Am afraid of him. Told me I was too stupid to live, Was Incompetent n I Couldn’t think for myself, He’d have to think for me .
He still hasn’t contacted me via cell phone.
With that all being said, He has low self esteem, is quite unless barking orders or in a rage, has no friends , Time Nazi, Would give me the silent treatment, says he’s gong to divorce me but, hasn’t filed, would force me to sit on his lap n degrade me n then, would ask me, If I was going to behave? n I would have to apologize { for what ?, Idk } Would threaten to whip me w a belt or switch. I believe him to be a Narcopath . Cerebral Narcissist/ Sociopath. He doesn’t like people , finds them to be idiots n beneath him. What is your opinion on my husband w the information I gave you? Why hasn’t he filed for divorce?
Will he Hoover? Is he as Dangerous as I fear?
Thanks very much for your time. Any n all information is appreciated.
Hello Wife4, this kind of scenario if best dressed through a consultation given the detail involved and also the basis of me providing you with the most accurate response.
Does a greater ever keep it in the family?
In what sense Omega? Incest?
I commented on this 5 months ago thinking I wouldn’t return correspondence. I was wrong. I have no problem admitting it. Be viligant.
For the greater: beauty pageant contestants, lavish parties, celebritydom.
For the mid range: extensive outreach to friends of friends.
For the lesser: bars after 10:30pm.
🙊
I think my midrange narc husband has his new primary online and has only met her once if at all. He is trying to maintain the lie that he left our marriage of 29 years because he just doesn’t love me anymore. He has no money so if she is in some other state he has to be satisfied with just the computer for a bed partner. How long do you think he will last?