The 5 Devaluation Triggers
You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster. You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you. The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate. It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise. Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth). I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you. This false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be discarded. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.
- Stale
The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them. Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling. Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters. This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.
- Disobedience
Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play. Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation. You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.
- See Through
If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications. You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery. We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.
- The Hoover Opportunity
This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been discarded and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with. The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option. This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being discarded.
A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.
- Total Control
You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day. You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.
How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view. There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is that in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.
62 thoughts on “The 5 Devaluation Triggers”
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Not true that our kind do not like a challenge. Some of us do. We welcome it even.
I have had plenty of strong, independent, focused, men and women. What fun it was to bend them to my will then watch them crumble.
Benjamin Franklin’s adage about death and taxes being the only certainties in the world. He should have added a footnote that included when dealing with a sociopath or narcissistic personality disorder person it’s inevitable that damage will occur is various forms.
Entertainment
Ha ha ha! Probably hit too close to home, if you’ve read about his family life!
Hi H.G.
Could the devaluation commence because in the course of their day they have met a shinny new appliance who sparked their interest and might be a potential IPSS or IPPS without triggering the above 5? Or just because the relationship is too familiar thus the above?
If we are in the golden period and we interact with someone else, we would do so as a tertiary or secondary source (non-intimate) but it would not trigger devaluation because you remain the apple of our eye, our flower in bloom etc, because the golden period is continuing.
Disobedience started it for me then led onto the See Through, it didn’t change the painful outcome despite having realised (too late) what I was dealing with.
Why would a Narc continue to engage with someone that they know has figured them out and, in turn, they have now completely dropped the mask? My narc knows that I know everything and that due to this, there is no way to control me, but he seems to be ok with this and almost wants me more because of it. Is this normal? Is this a case of a bigger challenge for him or does he keep me around because he is afraid that if he doesn’t, I will expose him?
I suspect it is because he is still gaining fuel from you, that he is possibly wary of exposure and he may also be preparing something for you.
Intriguing – what do you suppose he could be “planning” for her?
Just some girl
My exhusband is that way. If they know what they are and accept it, they can highly value those of us who care about them anyway and are willing to keep providing fuel. In many ways it can be easier for them bc they don’t hv to use energy to pretend and create illusions. As long as you can maintain enough boundaries to keep your independence and protect yourself from abuse, there can be benefits both ways. That is if you can get beyond all the pain and hurt he’s already caused you……
HG Tudor? Is there any chance a narcissist can, with time internalise the love they seek outside of themselves? Is the reason the narcissist is so dependent on their “fuel” because without this they feel worthless and empty and unlovable within themselves? Because they do not have love within? Do narcissists avoid falling in love with their partner through fear of being vulnerable? Or do they just not feel love? Is this a conscious way of behaving or is this unconscious? Other than seeking out and identifying the empath that will provide the narcissist with fuel does the narcissist feel any real physical / sexual attraction to their next target? Or is it purely based on whether they feel their target will provide them with fuel regardless of whether they are physically attracted to them? It seems to me that the narcissist I met has a “type” that he goes for and I wasn’t sure if he genuinely at some point did feel attracted to me or if he could just smell the signals of one who would care and love him as he was …
What happens if the new ipps is not submissive as soon as you have made her your partner? But is looking after her own needs, is independent and assertive? Respecting your needs and wants, but not above her own?
The first point to note is that if there was a risk that the proposed IPPS would not be submissive they would not be installed as the IPPS but kept as an IPSS.
However, let us assume that a mistake has been made and the individual is installed as the IPPS and it transpires that the individual is more focussed on their own needs, then in such a case they would be devalued and a new IPPS sought during devaluation.
I actually think that this has happened to me and that I got punished then for a few years. Or what do you think?
But you like strong, intelligent women, surely they can’t all be just submissive?
So, actually all we need to do is being assertive and caring for our own needs as much as for our potential partners, being mindful to what is going on and not become submissive because of simple mind games – and we would not become ensnared in the first place??
You may be surprised how those who are strong and intelligent still fall under control. Remember, nearly everybody does not know what we are and just because someone is strong and intelligent does not mean they are immune to our deception.
I’ve always considered myself strong and intelligent. I was duped for 31 years.
Indeed Karen and someone who is strong and intelligent can be duped and for along period of time. I will be writing further about this issue to demonstrate that certain of our victims have traits which would be regarded as strong traits, that they are intelligent, but nevertheless this means they are susceptible to being our victims. They are not co-dependents by any stretch of the imagination, but they are duped by us nevertheless.
Ava, I considered myself a strong independant woman but was ensnared. Having never encountered someone like this before I fell under his spell/machinations/manipulations. A strong & independant woman can be an empath and still have a missing part to her life…step in the narcissist!
Well put Sweetsoul.
Thank you HG. At 18 months post discard I finally consider myself ‘me’ again but find your writing fascinating, it’s has helped putting the final broken pieces back together by offering clarity that of course I was never able to get from my ex.
How do you note (or test) then the “risk that the proposed IPPS would not be submissive”?
I’m pretty sure that my ex-narc made a mistake, I’m just not sure if in regard to submissiveness or in regard to residual benefits (ooohhh the word does not come from “residence”? Just looked it up. Wow, I’ve misunderstood the term all the time ;D) …
I have no idea how to figure this out.
Or: he really is as intimacy / commitment phobic as I had thought, but you had written that this is rarely the true reason or rarely the case.
Do you remember where you had written about the end of the “official relationship”? Because I had thought at first that you had written about this: that my ex-narc had ended the official relationship (claiming he never wanted to live together with anyone and to my knowledge he didn’t, but who knows ….) but carried on in the same way, maintaining a constant cycle of golden weeks and devaluation weeks.
But you describe the relationship phases quite differently.
Sweetsoul: me, too. But I must have been dysfunctional for him in some regard, as my golden period was extremely short while he didn’t leave me alone at all for a long time.
Oh, and your IPSS is allowed to be non-submissive? 🙂
Happy Ostara / start of spring BTW (it’s the equinox today)! The rabbit is the animal of the Goddess Ostara. I love bunnies because they would never dream of becoming submissive as dogs would, they are very intelligent and do as they like, always breaking free.
We shall not forget that any potential IPPS will be thoroughly tested beforehand! So insidiously, it’s burned into my memory for good… like re-scheduling dates when she is busy to see if she re-arranges/cancels her plans to be with him instead, testing how long it takes for her to respond to a message, how many rings before she answers a call… and he creates stats to compare several ‘candidates’!! Who in their right mind does that?! That’s completely insane!!
So, if you are pressured into going out of your way to meet his needs: DON’T DO IT! 😀 . Problem solved!
@ava101 & @sweetsoul,
Same, sometimes a relationship is the last puzzle piece missing from an otherwise successful life & voila, a Narc presents himself on a silver platter.
Sooo from a narc’s POV:
A submissive = good/IPPS material &
A non-submissive = unreliable/annoying/IPSS material
Whereas as an empath’s / normal POV is:
A submissive = broken / needs self-care &
A non-submissive = strong / independent
???
Just had an epiphany… when I am shopping for a new device, I compare design, longevity (based on reviews), wattage, price etc, and choose the item which is best value for money. In your world, there is no difference between a toaster and a human. No wonder you apply the same rules with regard to selection.
It does not work that way however, and it never will. You are doomed to repeat the cycle, and the sad thing is that you do not grasp the tragedy of your existence. And you might never wake up to the error of your ways.
You say it does not work that way Matilda, I say it does. Who is to say you are right and I am wrong? There is no referee or adjudicator on this. If it works for me and my kind, that makes it right for us.
You *think* it works for you, but it does not. If it worked, you would be at peace with yourself and the world. Because that is what it feels like when it works. You are not. So, it actually does not work at all for you! Wake up, HG!!
Again, this is your perspective in terms of achieving peace. Why? What if peace is of no use? Why would I want this peace that you mention when I am different from you and I have an effective method which works for me. You are seeking to impose your perspective on me when it has no applicability and in doing so you ascribe to it value judgements.
Let’s hope that HG does not talk or write to his toaster, or promises it fantastic things to make it work for him.
My toaster is reliable and performs effectively. I have no need to write or talk to it and nor would I. It would not understand.
Glad to hear that. 🙂
My point is that you do recognize that we have a little more to give, a little more substance inside and that you do try to touch this, to get a connection to this energy.
If by connection you mean the fuel that is provided ava101 I entirely agree.
Yes, I do.
You’ve never had peace in your life, how can you judge if it was of any use to you, or not? I know it, and want to have that in my life again. And I would like for you to have it, too.
But if you insist all is well, and it works for you, there is nothing one can do.
As ever Matilda, I acknowledge the good intention in what you write and I am sure you understand that my responses are not against you but how matters are from my perspective.
Yes, I understand. No offense taken, HG. Sometimes, it frustrates me that what we say does not get through to you on an emotional level. And I lose my cool a bit! 🙂 … in an attempt to make you see… well, you *do* see, but you do not agree… and I have to accept that.
Number 4. That’s my particular hell. Not once, not twice, but three times. Same woman. This time I got out before the discard, because the devaluation was so horrific. It took me 24 years and I had no self-respect left because I had been made to feel like nothing, compared to her. So I finally believed him and disappeared. He told me once to “drop dead” so as far as he is concerned I may as well be. Now if he would just stop using different phone numbers and calling and leaving dozens of voice mails that I don’t listen to. I am the least desirable option. He made that clear during the devaluation. So now he needs to move on to the one who has always been his first choice, but I can’t tell him that because that would be breaking no contact and would serve no useful purpose at all. I have Mr Tudor to thank for making these and many other things so clear. It is best this way. Eventually he will stop. I will tough it out because the alternative would be living in HELL again.
So its about total control? What if ypu step in and out of their world? Tell them u want to talk to them, then tell them you want nothing to do with them…but they still answer when you speak to them?
You will cause criticism and run the risk of fury being ignited.
Hi HG..So, devaluation is unavoidable… How can target be made special again through devaluation? I’m confused..
If you mean an IPPS, that IPPS will become special in the future. The IPPS has a golden period, is devalued and then when a new IPPS is found, the current one is dis- engaged with. Then when the replacement is devalued, we will hoover (subject to the usual terms) the old IPPS as they become special again in our eyes.
HG,
My good doctor described the return to the original ipps as a safety net. In order to move to the next victim you go back to the old one as an ego boost, get fueled, discard again and start with new victim. What sayeth you? Agree or disagree?
The return to a former IPPS through hoovering may be for just fuel or for fuel and the start of the Formal Relationship again (so additional Prime Aims are secured). We return because the person is an investment and belongs to us, so we are entitled to return and take what we require subject to the HT and the HEC.
Thank you. I think you may need an HG Tudor knowing the narcissist acronym guide. I totally understood you, but newbies may need reference materials….lol When do I get my diploma HG? When I make it to our one year anniversary? I’m looking forward to a disengagement ring from you. ♡☆
Hello HG! Brilliant article ! It gives me the answer to something that was still puzzling me! Could it be possible that my ex narc ” restarted” the golden period with me every year ( during the 6 years we were together) with the following cycle?:
First year things went ok,second year devaluation for a mixture of desobedience,” stale” relationship and me seeing through…me ending the relationship,him hoovering me back after two,three days, me demanding couple therapy, him accepting and attending therapies. Always resulting on a new golden period..Third ,fourth,fifth year EXACTLY the same cycle. We attended couple therapy every year( 4 different therapists)..and we were going for the 5th therapy..until I had enough and I suceeded to escape..Does this make sense to you? Does that explain the fact that our relationship lasted for 6 years and the reason why I was not ” discarded” ?
I think mine began when I started a new job out of town Monday – Friday. I simply wasn’t home enough to provide enough fuel and then when I was home we just argued. I started to play his game but I didn’t know exactly what game I was playing. HG called it the super empath super nova. I just didn’t realize I would end the whole damn life together. But it’s for the best. I’m ok now. Moving on. Thanks HG. I would still be a miserable heap if not for you. ❤️
Hello KL, you are most welcome.
The co dependent is assuming that morphing yourself into what you think they want is your job. You don’t know what he’s working on that day. So you pre emptively bake muffins, and have a drink ready and sexy lingerie or enough signals that you are his.
When in fact he just got in from his dirty little secret and really wants to nap on couch.
Confusing isn’t it🙄
😢
6. Narcs can’t handle a challenge.
If you present as a better opponent at narc gaming it is unacceptable and the narc will leave. They cannot handle strong women. Especially ones that fight back. If you come up against them they can’t handle you. They will want to retreat to a weaker candidate. Or maybe not.
Not correct
HG,
Based on the following statement it does not matter if the person is strong or weak the devaluation is inevitable.. ?The only difference between resistance or submissive victims is the method in which in will be delivered.
“Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day. You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.”
Correct
Hi HG,
So could becoming “stale” also mean the appliance is broken due to depression, own work / life related stress? Would a Narc being asked for more temporary support than what is being given to them be annoying / considered stale?
Hello Hannah, yes it could. Yes that would be annoying.
Thx for that opinion.
Please explain
Explain what Lusa?
I agree Anna Belle. I was the shortest relationship of a powerful N because I’m a strong opponent at narc gaming. The next two were submissive and worked hard to please him. Kissing his a** wasn’t my game.
I agree with ABB. Mine was and forever will be a coward, and choses only easy ways – he is not a ‘fighter’. All people are same to him, especially women. But he is a mid range narc. HG, your “not correct’ comment seems to apply to the greater kind- you have more ‘guts, ‘ and you are far more calculated than the lesser and mid ranger…So sure, most likely you would not give up that easily. You know best.