Achieving NoFuC
Achieving NoFuC is the way to force the narcissist to leave you alone.
If you are being pestered by someone trying to seduce you who you have no interest in.
If you are being badly treated by someone who is bullying you.
If you are being repeatedly harassed by someone you were once in a relationship with.
If you are being smothered by someone who seems pleasant but is behaving over the top at the outset of your involvement with them.
If he or she just will not leave you alone.
You are in all likelihood being hoovered by a narcissist, whether it is in seduction or whether it is devaluing behaviour. Whether it is at the outset of the relationship, during the relationship or after the relationship such behaviour where this person will not leave you alone exhibits the behaviour of the narcissist.
To deal with them, you need to achieve NoFuC.
To understand what this means, what needs to be done and what it achieves, use this useful logic bulletin today.
29 thoughts on “Achieving NoFuC”
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Emotion detective
How can you not take this opportunity to gaslight him? Tell him you are sorry but you do not know who he is. When he persists, tell him its obvious from his previous text that he has suffered trauma to his head and is confusing you with someone else. Someone who gives a shit. I would drag it out much longer than that and reflect back everything he says (logically and without emotion) to the fact that his thinking is now impaired by the injury and his conversations irrelevant. But then I like to f**k with them and Im not emotionally involved. Thats my jam- but its not for everyone.
At the end of the line. He doesn’t hoover. He has left me alone a long time ago, only does my head continue to replay the lies that keeps the story alive and kept contact going. He is definitely manipulative and uses people, but he breaks many of the known patterns of hoovers and pursuit. There really is an end to this with some narcs. I wonder if this is the case with narcs who might be co-morbid with other traits that allow them to in fact leave us alone, totally discarf and forget about us forever.
Sounds like a personal problem. See you never except maybe Halloween….maybe but unlikely…jk.
What do I need to do to stop this?
You need to read and acquire the skill set to understand the manipulations used against you so you can evade them and build your no contact effectively. My books give you what you need and if you require specific assistance beyond that then consultations will assist.
Iv had no contact since the begining of Feb.
Didn’t entertain anything, he flicked through stages, been malicious when he didn’t get reaction then going bk to been a love sick puppy when that nonsense didn’t get a reaction.
I got a non molestation order begining of Feb, he continues to breach, trying to call then third party. I still haven’t entertained anything, he is contesting the non mol.
Going bk to court in may.
Why is he still continuing to try get me back when I’m giving nothing in return. Normal third parties have given up with him so he tried a new third party but I didn’t even acknowledge anything about him or the relationship.
Why is he still trying? I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?
HG,
When No1 occurs. How can you reject without becoming a focus to draw negative fuel from.
This is someone I’m unable to avoid.
Is it best to just be bland but also positive towards them. I don’t want to be involved at all but have to. Anything she can do to me directly does not bother me, how can I avoid any smear ?
This is possibly one of the most malign (female Malcolm’s) to try so far and she has good reason to.
HG, you say that there will be no IGH if they have chosen to discard. Is this because the narc will never want to re-start the formal relationship because they once chose to discard? Mine was a mid range narc and I do not believe he will ever try to hoover (he did discard) because of his fear of rejection i.e. an injury.
There is no IGH because we dis-engaged with you so there is no need to perform the IGH. The IGH is used as an instinctive (almost panicked response with some of our kind) to the sudden escape of the IPPS. This sudden cessation of such an important fuel provider is of considerable concern and therefore the IGH occurs as a response to this. You can read more about this in No Contact and Black Hole.
I understand why you form the view that you have, but there always remains a risk for the reasons I have outlined many, many times.
Yes you may outline it all many many times HG but it is hard for me to wrap my mind around all of this. Why do i struggle with all of this? I read it…i see all of it in him…why in the hell am i struggling so hard to accept that i am married to this??? I hate to say this HG please dont take offense to this..but i am struggling with evil…the devil..what i was taught the devil was growing up and wtf..i married him. I have to get away for my sanity…my health…my girls…how do i find the strength within myself to go no contact? Help!!
Yesterday I went to court and had to interact three separate times, albeit I kept the majority of my interactions toward the court officers and when I did speak to him I was cool and calm. He tried to misrepresent me a couple times but I politely set him straight, they didn’t seem to fall for his lite show either 🙌🏾. So now after 4 months he wants to “do whatever I need him to do” for the baby. Opens the door for me and walked to my car (he parked squarely behind me btw) and sent me his work schedule vowing to be there whenever I need him to be for her. My thing is HG, as much as I would LOVE to be able to have time to work out and go to school and the like I honestly don’t feel up to doing this again. The whole interacting. Months ago I really wanted to be in his presence and share in the raising of her and most importantly have her bond with him. I thanked him for the info and told him I’d keep him posted as I was not ready to jump into that. My logical head feels as if I keep things as military as possible it could work but I don’t feel as if I’m ALL the way ready even for that and I’m really not interest in revisiting crazy town, seriously. It seemed as “genuine” as he’s able to be but I’ve seen that many times before. Should I just maintain my distance? I think I am.
Oh and when I told him that all I got was, “okay”. Could have at least asked how was she doing, smh.
☆See you soon!
I think eventually they give up, mine has.
It may appear that way Watermelon, but there always remains the risk of return as explained on many occasions previously.
Mine, too, ages ago. He remains greatest mistake I have made in a long time. I am astounded at how hurt I continue to feel. And how much he preoccupies my thoughts all the time. Very disturbing to me. He blocked me everywhere after our last round of fights. In my heads fine. I always did try to drive him away so I could never contact him. Looks like I succeeded at last. Still the strangest, most twilight experience in ages.
I’ve been experienced the IGH last week, in the form of 40 emails. After two months of no contact and no reaction to multiple hoovers, including a proxy one from his mother (voicemail). So your info checks out incredibly precisely. I did provide the trigger by entering the third sphere of influence, and then sat it out, totally controlling the situ. Now hes not responding to my control at all. What is going to happen next?
When you write he is not responding to your control at all, what do you mean?
I’m sorry for incoherence, I’ve had a migraine again.
It’s a bit complicated to explain, I’d have to go into details. What I mean is that I was just reading about the IGH, while it occurred to me that this is what took place last week, the forty messages from him during the span of one day, the majority within the first hour had to have been the Post Escape Initial Grand Hoover. Which I sat out followed up with cold, no emotion, factual, concise messages.
Details are not important here, what matters is that I won this one. He’s angry and said goodbye today. He said he will keep me in his mind. Which means he’s putting me on a mental shelf, or a mental roller deck.
Nope, he decided to feign medical emergency: ‘Going to ER had accident landed on my head with no helmet.’
lol what now?
What i dont understand …i will write him, he writes me back…but he will never start the conversation…like im not worth the time. But when we do finally talk, its as if nothing happend…like no time past by, like my marriage doesn’t matter, he did some pretty f###### up things. I kept running back thinking he would change. …i think he tried to devalue me. Saying how his new gf is a nurse, shes more educated than i am , she understands his monsters ect. The ironey is i have vision issues ( we dated when we were younger) and asked him bluntly about mocking me. He said, my dear i was not the only one who did this. Then he said my husband did it as well. I asked many questions. Mind you btw i was in the healthcare field, have had many diffrent jobs…just could never hold them down. I have bipolar type 1 mixed episodes as well as anxiety…
Hello HG, why are post discard hoovers(malign/benign) dependant on the type of narcissist?
Because they relate to the sophistication, determination and energy levels of the type of narcissist.
I had 3 hoovers last week but no contact in over 2 months. But, he now regularly stalks the man I’m dating. Sitting outside of his home, drive-bys in front of his business several times a day. Has made unbelievable efforts to befriend my boyfriends friends. What’s up with this??
You are being triangulated for the purposes of gaining fuel and he is seeking to derail the relationship by striking at someone who is unlikely to know what he is dealing with. See the article Derailed.
Imagine you are caught in an emotional trap of your own unknowingness. This site represents the crack. Enough of your people have gotten through the crack and are now showing you the way. You have a choice. Continue the suffering or release yourself.
Is it possible a narc will discard an appliance giving positive fuel and pursue an appliance known to give negative fuel if the potency is greater?
Why not have both?
Want your cake and ice cream now don’t you
Ah hell why not it’s pamper yourself day, lord knows I am