The Stare


The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.

Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.

  1. The Stare in Seduction

It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.

At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.

Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by knowing that to stare at you for an unconventional length of time would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.

The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality

In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.

If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.

This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Malice

This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.

This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the ink darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.

You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.

The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.

  1. The Stare in the Discard

This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The shame we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.

  1. The Stare in the Hoover

The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.

Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.

The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.

92 thoughts on “The Stare

  1. Pinkspen says:

    This is so powerful!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your voice!!!!

  2. Imfreebutmychildrenarenot says:

    Oh and, as an afterthought (one that crosses my mind on occasion), I actually think he is a psychopath or at least a blend of many things…although of course this could just be as a result of the subtle scare tactics he used throughout our relationship and may have just wanted to seem threatening rather than actually being so. If you know what I mean. Do you have any insight on if you tell how dangerous a disordered person is or could be?

    Looking forward to reading your thoughts….thank you.

  3. Imfreebutmychildrenarenot says:

    Hi all….I’ve only just found your site HG and it makes validating and interesting reading for sure. I experienced all those stares. My whatever disordered type he is (ex husband) has bright blue eyes and I still can recall vividly the first moment he switched them “on” for me. Everything did indeed stop. I was literally mesmerised. So much so that now, only 1.5 years since he walked out on me and our young family (i was clearly lucky!) I look back on so many things from the 12 years I was married to him and wonder if it was hypnosis!

    He bored into me with those black eyes at the end but also switched them on a few times during our relationship. To scare me no doubt. I have wondered how it is even possible for someone’s eyes to change colour. I know I didn’t imagine it yet it’s incredibly hard to describe when trying to tell someone. I can’t explain it. They literally just went black. In a split second. I didn’t see the colour rise or magically appear…there is nothing magical about it for sure. But when he used those black eyes I felt such a complete terror and panic…I felt i couldn’t be held responsible for what I would do if he looked at me like that again.

    HG I am curious to know….are all narcs able to do this eye thing? Or just the malevolent dark triad ones? My one was full of veiled threats especially when he left (holding my wrists saying “i know I can hurt people, oh don’t worry I won’t hurt you or the boys because you don’t cause me any trouble”)

    He appeared in my bedroom in the middle of the night (years before he left but during a period of absence) – uninvited and despite deadlocks on all doors and keys left in locks…”don’t worry it’s only me” he whispered in the darkness. When, a long time after, I remembered it, I asked how he got in he said he couldn’t remember it was too long ago “you must have left one of the doors open” but I know without shadow of a doubt that I did not. There are so many other examples of his crazy but I digress.

    Anyway. It leads me to a question….you “seem” to have genuine motives for writing your blog but would you potentially not get a kick out of giving us all misinformation and incorrect guidance because the delight in duping us poor desperate for answers idiots, just provides you with fuel?

    I don’t mean to be incendiary. Just genuinely curious. And I’m obviously still adjusting in being able to view anyone’s intentions with anything other than doubt and suspicion.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I have no interest in providing you with misinformation. Here is why:-

      1. The 5 rules work against that;
      2. I am proud of what I am building – I want to be the number source for this information;
      3. It is a lot of work just to piss off some tertiary sources and would not be a useful or effective application of my energy;
      4. I do not do this to garner praise (although I am always pleased to receive it) or to misinform, but rather because I want to be number one, I enjoy the interaction and I like to write. I also like to weaponise empaths for reasons previously explained.
      5. I am sure you will see from the testimonials and comments that people confirm how accurate my work is and how I have predicted what will happen with accuracy in their own personal situations.

      I understand entirely why you have raised the question and do not regard your query as incendiary.

      1. VFH says:

        Hello HG and thank you for replying. I don’t know how you have the time to do a day-job and answer all our questions too!

        I posted this when I’d just found your blog and had not had a proper look round by then…..I have seen your 5 rules now and other info as you’ve pointed to above.

        You’ve created a mine of information and you are helping many people clearly, with your writing. I hope some of the things we write might help you too.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you VFH. I learn here too.

          1. VFH says:

            What do you learn here HG?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            More about empaths and their perspectives, strengths and vulnerabilities. More about being pro social in my responses.

      2. I really liked your reply here HG

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you.

          1. Did u know which 1 i was referring to? Based on recent comments of wordpress? Ha ha. 🙂

  4. WEB says:

    NarcAngel, will do 🙂 lol

  5. My eyes are hazel as well. When I wear green my eyes are green when I wear brown they are brown. Any other color they are green/brown hazel with flicks of gold.

  6. LisaB says:

    Princess of the Moon,
    You made a couple of observations that I had simmering in the back of my mind, but had not put them together yet. Thank you! First of all, you said that after you saw his mask slip and he knew it, it was as though it didn’t really matter to him if you knew about what he was doing and the lies he was telling you. I was astonished to experience the same thing. After years of being lied to and cheated on, after that mask slip when I saw the real evil that lives inside him, it was as if it was no longer imperative for him to keep up the act. Let me back up and say that the day the mask slipped, I had confronted him with something he had done that was a definite relationship-breaker. When he got the mask back in place, and he got his lies together to cover up, he tried to carry on as though nothing had happened, but he was a bit shaken. After that day, I gave him two weeks to come forth with the truth (I didn’t expect it, but at least I could say I gave him the chance.) He never did. But it seemed he was confused as to how to deal with me. He would tell me one thing, then in the same conversation tell me something entirely different that he acted as though he didn’t even realize he was saying. I got voice mail messages that sounded like he was grasping for things to say about how he wanted to see me, then he would tell me that he had not seen his primary source yet that week, the weren’t able to work it out. ??? I don’t think he knew how to treat me or talk to me once he knew that I knew what he is. So after those 2 weeks, I just disappeared; No Contact, cold turkey. That was about 8 weeks ago, I think. I blocked everything I could and I have never listened to his voice mails, so I don’t know if he’s gone off the rails or what approach he is taking at any time. I get at least 6 a week. I feel like some may be threats, but I don’t want to know. And I know some of them will be about all of his new women. I don’t need to know that either. I don’t know if he”s gotten his mask securely back in place, but I think he knows it won’t ever fool me again.
    The other point you made that I wanted to comment on was the use of the “shield” of being a Christian. I used to hear all that time that he had accepted Jesus and been forgiven for all of his sins, which meant to him exactly what it meant to your narc, that he could go and continue to do exactly what he pleased and sin in any manner he wanted, because not only was he justified (because I deserved it) but that whatever he did, he would be forgiven because he had accepted Jesus. People like these are exactly why Christianity, or any religion, gets a bad reputation. But these are hypocrites of the first order we are dealing with here.
    Thank you for bringing out those two important points that had been on the back burner of my brain, I just had not been able to get to them yet, because everything on the front burners was boiling over!

  7. Scout says:

    Good blog. Oh yes, I can well relate to the Evil Stare. As a child my father’s stare – the greatest narcopath I ever knew until my recent, current ex – would strike terror in me. I would leave the house to escape that stare because I knew what was coming, and yes, his eyes went black.

    I recall last summer on a train to Shewsbury, I closed my eyes. When I opened them, the narc was staring at me with his empty eyes. I knew there and then he didn’t love me (as I thought he did until that point).

    His stares didn’t frighten me the way my father’s stares did. I don’t recall seeing my narc with black eyes but their colour did dim. If they did blacken, it was never with the intensity of my father’s evil stare. H.G. Tudor, is it possible for a narc to bypass the malice stare, or is it a case of being conditioned to the memory of my father’s stares that, in my mind, has diluted the intensity of my ex narcs stare? I hope that makes sense?!

  8. Victoria says:

    Hi H.G.,
    I am still in awe of how explicitly you detail those facets of your persona-what a wonderful gift and thank you for allowing us to engage.

    I have encountered all the above stares in 10+ years with A. The only one I would like to address is the “Stare in Devaluation-Neutrality”
    1. Are they aware they are about to start the devaluation; are they angry because we are not praising them as much as before?
    2. Do they show is this stare because they don’t care that we see that emptiness-they are no longer wearing the mask?

    For some reason, this is the stare that bothered me the most-I knew the storm was coming, I felt a chill of dread and sadness. I did not know who this person was or what to do-but I knew he would start a fight at some point and time. Do they hate us at this moment?
    Thank you so much H.G. Exemplary writing!!!

  9. The narcissistic man I was involved with was wearing a permanent eye-make-up in order to intensify his gaze.
    I was fascinated by his demonic glances right from the start, until, after one year I discovered the freshly tattooed permanent eye-liner on a selfie he sent me after two weeks of silent treatment… this was the beginning of my disillusionment…

    But, great compliments to HG Tudor for touching each and every subject related to the topic of being involved with a narcissistic man!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Ursula.

  10. somanytears says:

    For years I told every one how, when I met my husband, I looked up and he was staring into my eyes. I saw his soul and I knew he was “the one”. Dated a year, married almost 10 when our perfect love (never even one argument) changed…along with his eyes. His eyes were full of hate for me and I had no clue as to why. I discovered he’d been cheating with several ex’s the entire marriage, but he only decided to devalue me when he got involved with the latest one. She had been part of his harem for 37 years and was the same woman he’d cheated on his first wife with so many years ago. His eyes told me the whole story. I’ve seen all stages described in this post. I am running. I will be a survivor, not a victim. I will never fall for those eyes again.

  11. I have another random thought not related to the stare.
    In my last session with my therapist I mentioned that I feel like he robbed me of my sense of humor. I used to have such a great sense of humor. It is still there kind of but not to the same extent. And I would like to think that it is coming back. But I think we as empaths at least me I got into the habit of constantly defending and wanting to speak the truth and untwist all of his lies and keep so straight that it diminished my sense of humor. Because I got so serious Fighting For Truth. Now that I’m out from under a little bit I’m trying to fight to regain my sense of humor. Can anybody relate to this and what do you have to say about that? what about you HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I agree with your observation.

    2. Totally totally relate finding life.

      I have a great sense of humour. Which he complete extinguished.

      It is back and in full flow and I wouldn’t never let anyone put that light out again. Not ever.

      I faked it until I made it.

      It did creep back slowly so it sounds like you’re on your way.

      I know my N despises me for this, and wants to destroy me.

      1. Lovely feeling isn’t it? Alexis…. someone out there bent towards your demise. Ugh. 😉 they are pathetic. Get a life… u know?!

        1. Yup, I cannot imagine at all having the time energy or inclination to hurt someone else.

          Though I do take pleasure in causing NI to the N or any other N now. It’s opportunistic and just silly things. Nothjng that would cause any real damage, only to an N. they are pathetic.

          1. Like what do u do?

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Makes sense that humor would be affected. Most humor is impulsive, responsive, and effective in the moment. If you have been conditioned to go over everything you say as not to offend, the spontaneity is lost. I have never lost my sense of humor and despite being put down or ignored when I knew I had said something most people would almost piss themselves over, I think it was a trait he was trying to steal from me. He never could get it quite right. Once when I said I’m hilarious-you, not so much, he was furious and responded AM TOO! Just like a 5 yr old. StepNarc used to tell people comedians were are not funny with such conviction that people thought HE was being funny and would laugh. Then he would get mad and say Im serious and definitely no women! Asshat. Hes dead now and Im still laughing.

    3. BraveHeart says:

      Findinglife11, I most definitely relate. I was discarded almost a year ago and, although my sense of humor has come back, it’s still not in the sense it used to be. It’s very guarded now and I find just letting go of my sense of humor, to everyone and everything, is a difficult thing to do now, compared to before I became entangled with the Narc. Before falling for him, I let my sense of humor shine. I have faith it will come back again someday, the way it used to be, but for now, I just remain patient with myself. Good luck to you FL11 ! 🙂

    4. VPArribas says:

      I agree with you. I was always happy and had a great sense of humor as well. When you are dealing with lies and sensitivity, you are put on guard. I am starting to get my sense of humor back and my joy. There is life with NO Contact from our narc. Thanks.

      1. Therein lies my problem. I share 4 kids w him.

  12. Last night I brought the kids to a school play and my narc was there. I happened to look in his Direction with a little bit of a stare of my own and as soon as he saw my stare his face flashed and his eyes went black.
    I hoped that my stare meant something to him to back down. But knowing him and in previous experience I’m a little bit afraid of being punished for my stare. At least that’s how I was trained to think. That thought flickered in me for a moment but I’d like to think that’s all it was was a Flicker. And the strength of who I am now shown stronger.

  13. HG Does an empath have any kind of effective stare in the process?
    Like maybe when getting stronger. Which signals to narc a F.R.E.E ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There at be a stare of defiance which of course remains as fuel, challenge fuel of course, but fuel regardless.

      1. I figured. Next time ill just be smiling if such a scenario presents itself again.

        Might he at all be surprised that i did a confident stare at him ? Esp bc he wore me down to such a nothing? What goes through his mind ?
        And I’m not gonna lie… it felt good to be in a more confident place at all to even look at him.
        But… on the same token…. itll feel even better to be in a place of peace, and contentedness as a confident smile happens to break out upon my face as he glances my way.

      2. I tried to give demonic stares that matched his…all I got back was a broad satisfied smile.

  14. I once asked my Narcissist where his mind went when he blankly stared out at nothing. He said nowhere, and that his mind was completely blank. He said this as if it were a good thing, like meditation.

    His reply didn’t make much sense to me and I spent more than a day contemplating consciousness. It still didn’t make sense.

    How do I get back the time I spent trying to rationalize his behavior? Never mind, I don’t need the time back. The rationalizations probably kept me sane before I became aware of what he was.

  15. abrokenwing says:

    ..and I asked him once if my eyes are more blue or green. He went ” One blue one green. Like David Bowie’s”. Ha

  16. Jenna says:

    I used to get the blank stare alot.

  17. Mona says:

    I only saw his devaluation stare. The neutral one. Before it could change into the malice one, I recognised that he was ill and evil. I am sorry to say and I feel ashamed to say that, but he got my malice stare before he could. He was so surprised, he did not expect that. He went backwards three or four steps. A man who weighed double than me. I know that I have that evil stare because people told me about my stare three times in my lifetime. (And it happened only three times) A man long time ago said to me that he was frightened, when he got that stare. It is a good tool when you are able to do it with awareness . It is no good, when it happens unconsciously. It means that you are going to lose control and change into a survival mode with all consequences. You only see your target and you see this target as your deadly enemy. I am not proud of it. Thank God, that I could control my feelings at the last minute.

  18. Anonymous says:

    If what we see in the “narcs”eyes is a reflection of our selves, who is the “narcissist”?
    When I first met the “narc” he asked me why I avoided eye contact with him. I hadn’t realised that I did but when he said that I realised looking into his eyes actually made me feel sick not good. I saw the emptiness and shell like quality in him ….. yet all I see in him is that not also a reflection of my own emptiness my own shell and sickness? We all as humans need to feel loved seen acknowledged valued, the way HG describes “his kind” seems no different to anyone else. If we feel hurt by someone we protect ourselves and push them away. The difference is in wanting or being able to understand and have compassion for the other which HG kind don’t seem to have. For HG kind it seems that they are the only ones on the planet that matter and that in itself seems lonely sad and trapping. ..

  19. abrokenwing says:

    I remember him staring at me at our workplace and how it initially made me uncomfortable and nervous. He would quickly look away when i caught him. I thought he was shy.. I remember him looking deeply in my eyes when he said that he wants me. ” You have such a nice eyes” i told him once…” So do you ” he replied. I remember when his eyes changed their colour and became so dark. When everything I did was wrong and nothing was enough. Black, frightening and intimidating eyes when he raged. I remember the contempt in his eyes when he said ” You’re depressed and I’m not attracted to you anymore. Goodbye!”

  20. Lisa says:

    Only once have I seen what I thought was a changing of colour in someones eyes like this. It was from an ex friend. A narc as it turns out. As I was ‘blowing his cover’ so to speak, he was trying to pasify me in order to hoover. He failed, and as he turned away he flashed that look of absolute hatered and contempt at me. It was only a flash, but long enough for me to catch it. Maybe this is where the saying comes from? “If only looks could kill”. At that moment, I felt exactly that.
    My ex however had the stare many times. I can still see it in my mind if I want to. I dont. Cant say I ever saw his eyes change colour though. Too cunning for that maybe. But then again…thats a Greater for ya!
    Thanks HG. Really interesting read.

    1. Windstorm says:

      I have seen this eye color change on various occasions. The most often was with my mother after she had Alzheimer’s. We attributed it to her showing her real feelings without any filter. It could be positively scary – inhuman, malicious. Back when she could still speak coherent English, her eyes would go black and dead, but what she would say would be ordinary, maybe even nice things. I often wondered if this vicious, animal-like blankness was how she’d really felt all along. By the end before she died it was how she looked all the time.

      1. Lisa says:

        Its definate WS isnt it. Unmistakable. Everyone says ‘they eyes are the windows to the soul’. I say ‘the eyes are the windows FROM the soul’.
        Why else would their eyes change like this?

  21. So true. Even after a year of researching this demonic disorder (the latest theory which is the one and only explanation that makes any sense to me especially after watching his mask slip), it took me a year to extract myself and run like hell. Even knowing what to “expect”, making secret preparations and forewarning friends and family, normal people and empaths like myself, simply cannot believe or wrap our minds around the fact that someone this evil actually exists – with their sole goal from Day One being to slowly and insidiously alter the reality of another soul while carefully planning the complete destruction of virtually every aspect of our lives – all for their pleasure and soul-less survival this lifetime. For me it started with the realization that I was in a toxic relationship with an energy vampire. Which was an understatement in every sense. And those that have not gone through this devastating experience do not understand and never will. I’ve emerged from the ashes like a Phoenix; stronger than ever but paid a very heavy price for simply just being me. And one pays long after going no contact which is the only way to actually survive this demonic trauma. Until my relationship with a deadly Covert Malignant Narcissist I never knew what is now normal terminology for us: love-bombing, gas-lighting, grand finales, narcissistic supply, hoovering, smear campaigns and flying monkeys oh my. The absolute irony is that mine hid behind religion, his online screen-name is Logan Phoenix, partly taken because his company’s logo is a Phoenix rising from the ashes (because they are never at fault and spend their lifetimes blaming others). Better actors and actresses than academy award winners. And the friendships ruined who became flying monkeys? With one click of my send button on my iPhone I could easily send them all recordings of all the slander, his mocking of and character assassinations of their reputations and threats of blackmail I have on record that he made against not only those dear to me, but also on his own family, friends and business partners. The best revenge (not my personality but for lack of a better way to put it) is to not only survive, but thrive and surround yourself with people that have angels versus demons on their side and like, love and admire you for the real you. My one weapon that I always knew for certain was he could never, ever have my soul. And letting go of such a toxic demonic relationship allows all the beautiful people who build you up and operate at much higher vibrations of light and love come flooding in once we start healing. Finally, the one thing they will never will understand. Karma. It’s real. No matter what your view on universal laws, belief systems or religion. It just quite simply has always been and will always be in existence – it’s essential for the growth of all. It breaks my heart to see the damage these people do and I include myself completely. ❤

    1. Mona says:

      Thank you. That is all I can say.

  22. Matilda says:

    I am familiar with malicious stares from others, but I have never seen eyes darken as described here. The iris cannot change colour in a matter of minutes. The only rational explanation for this phenomenon would be pupil dilation, which indicates that the person is feeling immense pleasure… probably when he sees the fear in her eyes.

    1. LisaB says:

      If you had seen it happen as you watched someone’s eyes, you would have two choices, to believe your own eyes or question your sanity. It was such a dramatic change, and happened so quickly, that I had no reason to believe I imagined it. But wanting an scientific explanation of how and why the eye color change can occur, I found articles and information online indicating that the iris responds to muscle contractions and probably most significantly facial expressions, and that results in the color change. Pupil dilation is not the only factor. In fact, pupils often constrict when angry. He was angry. It was the hatred also revealed on his face and in his eyes that frightened me, he was not reacting to my fear, but to something that I had caught him at and confronted him with. There was no immense pleasure on his face. There was the malicious stare. I watched his eyes change color in an instant as I watched his mask slip away and reveal the true evil underneath. Anyone who has ever seen this knows. I’m glad you have not. I can’t get it out of my mind.

      1. I can confirm his light brown eyes turned black when the masked slipped. We live in the age of paranormal being widely accepted and right now everyone all over the world is questioning everything. Most people will try and tell you you’re on drugs or hallucinating or you didn’t see it I know exactly what I saw I thought several times it was demonic and a mask slipping on a narcissist technically can also make them a shapeshifter. And he is highly intelligent and cunning (a doctor however he list his right to practice) I remember him reading an article about an operation they perform now I believe in Brazil that surgeons now have the ability to do which turns brown eyes into blue eyes permanently – it’s something that they do with the iris he was actually looking into having it done. I was so tired this morning when I posted earlier I actually nodded off a few times but I haven’t been sleeping at night of course he still affecting many areas of my life but I was determined to post but I had to say as I think we all should – knowledge is power and when I started questioning the Cluster B personality spectrum 2+ years ago there was not that much information out there – I wanted to get as much information as I could but I was using it so that I could know what I was dealing with and what to expect once I was able to extract myself at a of course very high price mentally physically financially and careerwise and social and support-system wise. Although narcissist abuse victim is now categorize in the DSM you would be shocked at how little psychiatrist, psychologist and licensed social workers actually know about them. Again I stand by the fact that unless you have personally experience being in a relationship with someone like this or growing up with one as a parent it is not within your reality to truly understand the more they are “outed” and we explain our experiences the more people will hopefully recognize this trait and we can save others from going through the hell that we have gone through and still are in many cases. Most of us suffer from major trauma and C-PTSD. Many of us are lucky to even be alive. I would like to add that The State is a very appropriate article – I also experienced what I would call the disrespectful non-stare where he would not look at me when I was speaking my truth – which thankfully I always did at all costs he was usually staring intently at his iPhone and flicking through the screens with harsh movements which he kept on him at all times because they triangulate like that it’s not only people or person it can be objects such as phones (of course as typical I was accused of cheating and lying on with the entire relationship when in fact I was working 12 hours a day as I explained to him people that make accusations that are unfounded like that are basically the ones that are doing the cheating and lying at that point this highly intelligent narcissists assumed the “dumb” look and said he had never heard of that before LOL. I found that to be extremely unsettling someone who can’t look in someone’s eyes while they are talking to them has much to hide but then they flip the switch and can look you right in the eyes and lie like champs they have a record of completely fooling therapists (or unnerving them) they are also known to be able to pass lie detector tests with ease, often multiple times. After you seen the masks slip and they know it they basically begin giving you away their lies and information and everything that they are doing without knowing it – I’ve never seen anything like that that also was extremely disturbing and scary. The last six months of the relationship perhaps even longer I started telling him that I truly believe he was a nurse assist he of course was offended and went to look up the word narcissism in his “go to” source what he felt was reliable which was Wikipedia – I had to laugh at that one I specifically pointed out to him that Wikipedia is updated constantly by random people so it is not a completely reliable source and that I was not asking him for the definition of how the name narcissism came to be based upon an old story I was referring him to a mental pages describing narcissistic personality disorder. This is when the mask just completely start falling off of course he googled narcissism test circa 1977 immediately took it showed it to me and said no I know were even close to narcissist I’m a people pleaser. Of course I did not believe this or that he was this dumb what I did believe is that he had most likely been accused or diagnosed with this before and yes my intuition was correct after the grand finale I ended up with quite a bit of his paperwork and found several quite obvious test for narcissism and cluster B personality diagnoses with his name on them and someone else’s writing and asking him to please take the tests – not a single one was filled in. Just paperwork was found right in between the four handwritten pages I found in his writing on how to get someone to tell you they’re cheating on you how to lie to people how to mislead people and how to throw people off guard and the biggest one, how to pass lie detector tests. I dream of a narcissist personality disorder/offender national registry list with their pictures dates of birth and addresses. Since they actually believe that they are above the law as was the case of mine he is actually registered and is still on parole so it’s of public record the frightening thing is there is no law preventing people like this from online dating sites which is one of their favorite places to gain new supply at the end I actually created a fake online profile which I knew would immediately attract him and less than one week message that profile of course he did not have pictures up and I asked for them I had to laugh he advised he was in such a popular demand that he could only put them up for moment to show me I played along and said certainly I understood of course when he put up the pictures they were of him and they were pictures that he can simply just cut me out of I did this from my iPhone while sitting directly across from him while he was on his iPhone at which point I asked him are you sure you’ve never cheated on me and you are not on any dating sites? That was one time he chose to look me right in the eyes and swear on the Bible and his mother’s life that he would never do such a thing you’ve been turned back to his phone and arrange to meet my fake profile at the back of the church he went to every Sunday. The humor in this is the fact his online name was Strong and Intellectual. At that point I left got into my car drove down the street guessed his password and got it on the first shot and personal iMessage every single woman he had been messaging and meeting explaining who he was and who I was giving his real name and posting myself back into the pictures he had cut me out of it he also was posting pictures of himself that were at least 10 years old. He was extremely vain worked on his looks and body nonstop so he really did not need to post pictures but I put this in here to show you what we are dealing with here. It’s the little things like that that make me smile when I think about him and since he was so religious and hid behind Christianity I did enjoy the last text I ever sent him in which I innocently asked how exactly the Jesus and the Bible which was his expertise (he has a masters in theology I know scary stuff especially since he used to teach Bible studies) would feel about and speak to and even justify being in an allegedly committed monogamous relationship yet the entire time being online and cheating/meeting new potential supply victims at the same time – he actually looked through the Bible and tried sending me justifications such as there was no such thing as online dating in biblical times yes I’m not joking the last text I got from him basically said he was wrong he had sinned and he was sorry. Again he’s a narcissist so he also advised that since he had become born-again long ago and has accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior that he would be forgiven of his sins which basically translates to his justification to do anything he wants which is pathetic especially since he constantly braided me and most of our fights it were him trying to convert me (I’m very very spiritual and believe in the religion of love acceptance, truth, respect and helping others with no judgment and making the world a better place) but according to him that would never get me into Heaven he truly believed I was going to hell because I had not accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and therefore any God I referenced was not the God of the Bible. He had wanted to marry me from day one I found out later on that’s one of the ways they can keep you longer and also because he wanted to save one of his two houses by marrying me so that I could inherit dowers rights so that his ex-wife could not declare bankruptcy and include the house. He was “so” worried about me going to hell he then preached to me for a full year that if I married him there are loopholes in the Bible since he knew it so well such as since I was marrying somebody who accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior then I would get to go to heaven too by default. Hmmmmm. And typical narcissist fashion he had his own twisted answer for everything when I ask him because he was a religious about premarital sex he explained to me that since he felt like we were married in our hearts that’s all the Bible required. I mean no offense to anybody religions out there whatsoever I don’t judge and as long as it makes anybody a good person that’s great for them I’m just a different person and have had many experiences that have taken me a different route especially being an intuitive empath. I’m using these as examples as to how these demonic narcissists actually believe their own rhetorical, that they are above the law and much smarter than everyone else. The studies that I’ve always read said that when not in a prison system most covert malignant narcissists can be found hiding behind politics, the military and religion. It’s a lot to take in but knowledge is power hopefully anything I post will help someone in someway ❤❤❤!

      2. Matilda says:


        I do not doubt that you saw it, but I am wondering how it is medically possible! There must be an explanation for it, and I have not yet come across one.

        The colour of the iris is basically dependent on the amount of melanin stored in it, ranging from blue (low levels of melanin) to dark brown (high levels of melanin). Eye injury, surgery, or exposure to sunlight can change eye colour, but there is no information on these changes with regard to mental state, mood etc.

        Out of curiosity, I would like to see for myself what blackened eyes look like, but you are right in saying I was lucky not to have experienced it.

        1. Lisa says:

          Just as a note here. I have hazel/green eyes. Ive been told by a few, that shen I get mad they turn quite green. More green than normal. So?????????

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You are the Incredible Hulk. Your clothing allowance must be rather significant Lisa.

        2. LisaB says:

          Just a couple of things…one is that I am a pharmacist. I am no stranger to the workings of the human body, and the effects of chemicals, both natural and synthetic, upon it. And by natural in this particular case, I am referring to the body’s own chemicals, of which there are many. I know how the color of the iris is determined. I am not easily convinced of phenomena of a medical nature. I would not have expected to witness such a rapid and dramatic eye color change, although it is certainly true that the way light reflects from blue-gray eyes, for instance, may make them appear more greenish under certain conditions. That I can accept. But that is different from what we are talking about here. And from the fact that HG wrote this article, to the number of people who have commented that they have also seen it happen, there is credibility to this observation. I touched a little on the physiologic processes that can contribute to the rapid eye color shift in my first post, including the muscles of the iris actually contracting the size, which would limit the amount of pigment visible, as well as the facial muscles affected by rage. I needed a logical explanation as well, and was able to find information on the Internet contributing to the explanation of the phenomenon. There is a website called which has an interesting article about eye color, how it develops and how it can change. The doctor explains the color change better than I can. There are other sources of information on the Web on this subject as well. However, as skeptical as you are, I know what I saw. Other people here know what they saw. It seems a bit judgemental for you to continue to say that it can’t happen, because it did. And trust me, even though you are curious, you don’t want to see those black eyes directed in fury at you. You are lucky not to have been the subject of this kind of rage, but please do not discount the experiences of those of us who have.

      3. Matilda says:

        Princess of the Moon,

        I believe you, I just cannot relate to it as I have never seen it.

        Yes, they destroy the melanin with laser which turns any eye blue!

        ‘loopholes in the Bible’. That made me laugh out loud 😀 . As if you could outwit God. Interesting sense of logic, he’s got! 😀

      4. Entertainment says:

        The injured narc stare. The mid to lessor would send me pictures of him doing it. Odd

        Once , he told me my eyes felt different. I responded maybe it because of the metal plate from prior abuse 20 years ago. He went silent. I looked up he was searching for the right emotion but it was void. I was in the early stages of figuring him out. I had some knowledge from various blogs like love f*** but it still hadn’t resonated with me.
        My quest was to prove in theory sociopath can be changed as it was learned and part of their environment. Easy change their environment provide the nurturing and love their parents failed to give them that they will change.(positive environment) love, admiration and appreciation surely must be the cure. And, there lies hope…. Not. Although, I knew what he was it was not enough to avoid his entrapment. I fell but not as hard but it wasnt as hard for me to get over this short term relationship than theone with the lessor.They will always lurk amongst us looking for their next victims and hopefully each one will teach one. HG, will continue to shine light and darkness upon their behavior. At some point we must also break free of the cycle and dependence of this blog. Pay it forward, move forward and always encourage the silent observers to speak up with millions of viewers there are millions we need to hear and learn from their experiences. We have all contributed and have benefited from this. Most are seasoned, loyal followers and their goal should be to provide encouragement to newbies if applicable. I too shall take a break and look forward to continuing education on this disorder. I will ever be greatful to HGTV for providing the closures and answers to the what would have never been obtained from narc or thousands I have spent in talk therapy.

      5. AH OH says:

        I have seen the eyes change. It was frightening.
        My own eyes will sparkle when I have great energy. Not only can people see it, I can feel it. The eye changing is a real thing.

      6. Matilda says:


        Just for clarification: I did NOT say it cannot happen. I said that I did not doubt that you saw it, and I said I believed PotM, but I have not found anything (significant) that would explain it. I did NOT invalidate other peoples’ experiences, and I do not appreciate my words being twisted!

        A change in the ‘amount of pigment visible’ due to contractions does not explain a colour change to BLACK, even more so as the source stated talks of *slight* changes!

        I did more research and found out that beneath the stroma (the coloured, visible mesh-like structure), there is a layer called iris pigment epithelium. It consists of two layers, anterior and posterior iris epithelium. Both are tightly fused, the posterior is heavily pigmented, and appears to be BLACK, regardless of the person’s visible eye colour!

        Pupils DILATE in ‘flight or fight’ situations. Perhaps the black layer underneath becomes visible if the stroma is being pulled back and folded by dilator muscles.

        If I ever come across an ophthalmologist, this will be my first question! ‘Can you please explain to me why sociopaths’ eyes turn black when they are in a state of rage?’ That should break the ice swiftly! 😀

  23. AH OH says:

    Oh I love this one. He walked from the sink and left the water running to give me the goofy love stare. I asked what he was doing and he replyed “i just have to look at you” I said something like “cool, but this is the desert and you left the water running.” Totally blew his game. You see why I am not Narc material for long.
    I thought it was rdiclous then and still do. What a stupid idiot. I find it creepy when someone stares like this.

  24. LisaB says:

    No words can convey the hatred, the evil, the absolute devil that I saw in those blue eyes that turned completely black, and the stare. Oh my god, the STARE. I didn’t need words. I saw it all, swirling in the blackness of his eyes. It only lasted for a few seconds, before he got his mask securely in place again. But if the eyes are truly the window to the soul, then he has no soul. Only pure evil. It was terrifying to see that in the eyes of a man I thought I knew, a man I loved. Now I know HE WAS NOT REAL. I loved an illusion. He can’t be fixed. He new what he was doing and he enjoyed it. He needs fuel. I am fuel. It was not real. It was NOT real. IT WAS NOT REAL.

    1. ANK says:


      I have read elsewhere about they eyes turning black. I’m not sure if it was my imagination but I’m sure I have also seen the sky blue eyes turn black for a fleeting second. Devlish indeed.

  25. SweetFreedom says:

    I remember the stare of seduction. As time went on, I told my narc how it felt like he was looking into my soul and why did he not do that anymore—it was like the look of utter love. I wanted to look away but at the same time it captivated me. He is the only one who has ever done this—and when he stopped, I wondered why it did—did he not love me?

    I had no clue it was a part of his M.O. In fact, when I asked why he stopped, he feigned ignorance and said he had no idea what I was talking about.

    Now the thought of that stare leaves me with a sickening, uneasy feeling. I hope I will never fall into that again with anyone.

    1. ANK says:

      SweetFreedom was it an infatuated look during the seduction period?

      1. SweetFreedom says:

        Not exactly. It was a look so full of love that I was overwhelmed. I recall the infatuation look but this was different. The intensity of this was engulfing. I’m not sure how to describe it—it was like he was looking into my soul and knew me more than anyone ever had.

        This look was off and on for the first 10 years of our marriage. One day, it just suddenly stopped and disappeared and I never saw it again. I literally missed that look. I might be wrong but I think the seduction came to an end then.

        Looking back, this ended when his daughter (youngest child) from a previous marriage graduated high school and moved out—I had taken care of his children. I was there after school, to pick them up when sick, sit in the emergency room with them when he was at work, drive them to work and pick them up. Due to his work hours, I was almost like a live in nanny for them. I guess I now see that the seduction phase seemed to stop completely when the last of his kids moved out. I served my purpose.

        The last 10 years of our marriage—a roller coaster (which I was always blamed for). Lows very low, highs very high. I see how the devaluation happened and then he’d bring that golden period back so I would not leave. The last devaluation snapped the camel’s back and I escaped.

  26. WEB says:

    Just the opposite. The narc always said he didn’t notice eyes (i.e. didn’t notice the eye color of people…or victims). I was always very attracted to his eyes especially when he thought no one was paying attention. I’ve had lots of comments on my eyes from others for some reason. Yet he commented that he could tell what I was feeling based on on how I looked at him. Normal narc behavior Mr. Tudor?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We can indeed tell how you are feeling based on the way you look at us, we learn to recognise it and use it as fuel.

      1. Windstorm says:

        I think not making eye contact is a defense mechanism if you grew up with narcs. I learned very early never to look at anyone’s face when talking. Not looking at them seemed to help me in several ways, especially hiding my feelings and staying under their radar. I never really learned how to easily look people in the face until I became a teacher and had no choice. Even now it’s very difficult for me to recognize people bc I so rarely look at their faces. 🙂

      2. WEB says:

        Well, they say the eyes are the window to the soul. Mine seems to be repairing itself, thankfully. I’ll be mindful of what I reveal via my eyes moving forward.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I find crossing my eyes throws them off but I keep bumping into shit so be careful with that one.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Amused me.

          2. Entertainment says:

            Was it real?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Was what real Entertainment.

          4. Entertainment says:

            You being amused by N A comment.

          5. NarcAngel says:

            Ill assume you are not doubting my ability to amuse so you must be asking HG if he was genuine in saying that. He did not have to offer the comment and now you are questioning him. That is a criticism and if not protected by the 5 rules could result in the ignition of fury.

            So…..were you looking for a spanking?

          6. Entertainment says:


            You figured me out the latter is true. 😉 No paddles.

          7. NarcAngel says:

            No paddles? Well thats me out then.
            That leaves you to HG, cooing into your ear with his sexy British accent and subtle mocking laughter while asking you if youve been a bad blogger and caressing you with a strong but smooth as silk bare hand right before the ……….smack!

          8. Entertainment says:

            Narc Angel
            Their you go stirrings up emotions I haven’t felt in some time. 😊 This will lead me to Pandora’s Box.😊

  27. Recovering says:

    I only saw this once. I remember looking over as I ate dinner to find him staring blankly at me. I thought he was just “zoned out”, like many of us do sometimes. But it was when I caught his eyes and he didn’t snap out of it that it creeped me out. I got this weird feeling and had to look away. He never said a word. It makes sense when you say this is the “in-between”, because it was just a few days later that he ghosted me. Another great post, HG.

  28. Patricia says:

    But WHY???

  29. Exhausted says:

    And is my avoiding eye contact sending the wrong message? I’m not weak or abused. Just not letting him see any part of my soul right now

    1. E. B. says:

      I would like to know what Exhausted asked too. Do narcissists think we are weak/angry/afraid of them or something else when we avoid eye contact?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        It depends on the context, but usually yes.

        1. E. B. says:

          Thank you, HG!

  30. Exhausted says:

    I kept thing of a Hoover as his old stand bys, texting or drive bys. Honestly, the last two weeks have been showing up at the places he knows I will be at. Today’s Hoover was watching me for nearly an hour after getting in my face to make sure I engaged him (been nc 2 months) and avoiding all eye contact the last two weeks. What’s up with the staring?
    Also, he’s been stalking the man I dating the last two weeks and attempting to weasel in with his friends. Please explain this very odd behavior

  31. 1jaded1 says:

    I rarely make eye contact but when I do…watch out. Too bad, you will not likely see it.

  32. Gabrielle says:

    H.G……I am guessing that the same dynamic would also apply to the “voice” as well? I have memories of a loving voice, along with a laugh that made me melt. A soothing voice. Every damn time. Then the voice became cold and indifferent. Asking what was wrong resulted in a confusing explanation that made no sense. Like a completely different person. I can understand the eye mirroring but the voice. The voice gives me chills in addition to the stares.

    1. Brian says:

      I think they listen out for when people are talking with emotion and then mimic that later on.
      They go a bit too far and make it saccharine, because its not real.

  33. Beka says:

    Can we have an article on the blank face the narc has when he doesn’t think he is being watched?

    1. musteryou says:

      Also, how they seem to be watching for you to make a move, and then they come out from nowhere.

  34. Lb says:

    Very painful memories. I believed myself to be educated – formally – in psychology. Nothing prepares someone for this evil. Nothing.

  35. That was me. I saw everything I wanted to believe about myself in the very first stare. I was 16 and he 34. I didn’t have any of the street smarts of having a little bit more life behind me. I would like to think that had I been older I would’ve been wise enough to run from that prophetic gaze but I know I wouldn’t have been. I wanted to believe what he reflected. I loved how it felt. Nirvana. I just didn’t know what it was. Would I be wise enough at 50? Doubtful.

    1. ANK says:


      Don’t think age matters. I was 44 and got sucked in.

      1. BraveHeart says:

        i was 48 :(.

    2. Age does not matter one my now friends remarried her Narc/Borderline – she just went through the divorce from hell and she’s almost 60. You have to remember that there are only two things in this world – love and fear. You experience both until you pass over into the other side you don’t necessarily grow wiser with age unless you fully comprehend your situation let go completely and never look back xoxo.

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