You’ve Changed
You’ve changed and I don’t know why. Have I done something wrong? Have I done something to offend you or upset you? Why have you changed? You aren’t interested in me anymore. Once upon a time you would sit in rapt attention as I explained things to you, as I told you about the things I had done. The things which mattered to me. I thought you liked them too. You seemed interested and it was a genuine interest as you asked me questions and admired me for what I told you about. Do you remember those conversations? I do, although I must admit there are days when they seem such a distant memory to what we have now that I wonder if I made them up or dreamt them. Those afternoons where we lay in bed, the world so far away from us as we held one another and made plans. The world was ours to conquer wasn’t it? We made such grand plans, you and I, with nothing to stop us or hold us back. Except ourselves. How have we come to be so far apart? Where did it go wrong? How did these changes happen? What caused them? We were united as one. We did not know where one of us started and where the other ended, we were so entwined. I was happy. I thought you were too. You seemed happy. Tell me you were happy.
We did everything together. I never wanted to be anywhere other than by your side. You completed me. I completed you. Two halves at long last united. Two lost souls who were wandering through the wilderness and then we found one another and all became wonderful. I did not dare to believe it was happening at first. After so many had failed, those who offered so much yet turned out to be pretenders with nothing but failure dripping from those promising lips. How I yearned to find the right one and just as I had almost given up all hope, along you came. My saviour. I knew from the moment I saw you that we belonged together. I could sense it and that first kiss, well, I can still feel the tingling up and down my spine even now, after all this time, after everything that has been said and done.
Why did you change? I did nothing wrong. I gave you my all. I believed in us but perhaps I have let you down, perhaps I have failed you in some way. Is there another? Is that why your eyes no longer shine when you look at me? Is that why your special smile has not been seen in these parts for too long? Do my tales and stories bore you now? Does the re-telling of these famous tales grow stale? Perhaps you have found someone else, someone who gives you what you want, someone new and exciting? Is that it? Is that why you have changed. Have you found sanctuary in the arms of another and now you have become malleable in their hands as you once were in mine? Do you remember how you said that my touch brought you to life and how you had merely existed beforehand? Do you remember taking my hand as we walked mile upon mile, never faltering from having something to say to one another. How we used to talk? Now I am lucky if I get a sentence from you as you take refuge in a monosyllabic citadel, seeming as if you are more content to reside there than with me. Your words used to flow, enchanting and marvellous and how I delighted to hear what you had to say. You could make the mundane magical and all through that perfect and delicious mouth of yours. Does that mouth still weave its magic for someone else now? Do the words feel leaden, your mouth full of dust when you talk to me? I still listen. I still give you the attention but it no longer works as it did before. I know it is not me that has changed. I never do. I can see that it is you that has changed but I am at a loss to understand why this happened. Believe me, I have spent long hours working out everything that has been said, what has not been said and all the acts and omissions. I have played them, replayed them and chopped back and forth, like some detective analysing CCTV footage in the hope of finding that one clue. That one lead, that certain something that will allow me to understand how we lost that certain something.
Is it that you want me to change? Do you need me to transform into something different? Is that it? I will be whatever you want me to be if only we can have what we once had. You have changed but if you need me to do so too, if that is what it takes to recover ourselves then I am willing. Tell me, just give me a sign, some kind of signal so I know what to do. Your wall of silence gives me no indication of what I must do in order to save us. Do you do that because all your time and attention must be saved for someone else and therefore you have none to give me? Have they come like some silent-footed thief and stolen away the person who I want more than anything on this earth? Perhaps that is what has really happened. You have not changed but rather the real you, the you that makes everything matter again, has been acquired by a pilferer. Has your soul been stolen by another? Have they taken it when I was regrettably distracted and have they now placed it in a gilded locker, far away from me, leaving me with just the husk, the image of what once was? Perhaps that is what has happened. I know you have changed but perhaps, just perhaps it was not of your doing. Maybe an outside agent has influenced you, brought about this alteration, neither seeking nor obtaining our consent to this heinous act. Yes, that must be what it is for I know you would not willingly leave me. How could you? Why would you? Why leave what we have and leave me with so little when once we had so much? You have changed but it is at the sordid and filthy direction of another which gave you no choice. Did you warn me? Perhaps you did but I did not notice. Did you cry out and seek my help? Maybe you did but I was distracted and I did not hear. Tell me now, tell me how I can help you. I will do anything to win what we had back. That brilliant, loving, passionate and above all seemingly perfect union that you and I created before this change occurred.
Please, I am begging you, just tell me what I have to do. I am lost for ideas, I have no more ingenuity or guile to achieve what needs to be done and I need your assistance more than ever before. Don’t let them win, do not let those who are jealous of what we have, the green-eyed interlopers who have watched and waited for that moment to drive a wedge between us. Don’t let them make your change permanent. Fight, fight with me, for me so we can succeed and shine again. I cannot stand where we are now. The pain and weakness that sweeps me tears me apart, makes me feel disgusting and wretched. I cannot stand to be this way for it causes me such great distress as I look over to you watch you, unnoticed by you. You are not who I knew you once as. I do not recognise the person who sits across from me now. So much is alien, so much has become foreign. I don’t feel like I know you anymore. Or that I ever did.
50 thoughts on “You’ve Changed”
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Is this you?…or are you scripting what I would say? I have said that. I’m guessing that it’s you.
Reason being. You lack empathy and the fuel is no longer.. being lit by me. Just asking. Curious.
Narc Angel
Yes…always well intentioned I am sure..
And good point re..if the strength is there to rail at one ..then it is still there to rail and point in the right direction.
Actually I hadnt thought of it quite like that as daft as I may sound.
Whatever you have to say is always worth reading in my opinion. So thank you once again for your input that makes me think differently, and for the better.
Thank you for sharing some strength with us at different times.
Some days a little strength from someone else makes such a big difference if on that particular day you haven’t got much of your own. ⚘🌼🌹
Intesting that you took me asking the same question you asked me as my being defensive and angry. I answered you because I wanted to and I in no way insulted the name of your blog. In fact, I apologized if I had gotten it wrong. It was as simple a question as you asked me. And you didn’t state the question simply for music which is why you put singer/murderer. You’ve clearly assigned tone and motive to my words on a page. I think you and I should go no contact. Sound good?
If you’d like no contact with me, it’s your pick.
HG I re-read this and I’m so confused now. Which perspective is this from? I tried to read it from both. If it is the narcissist then does that mean they are that suspicious that we might have someone else? If it is the empath then does that mean they are enacting a silent treatment of sorts. Or does the narcissist decide all of this is true because he is done and ready to discard. Spill it…whose perspective is this from?
CL,
I just have to ask if you picked that name because it was the name of a female singer/murderer from the 70s along with the picture you use. Music is my business so just been wondering since you appeared. If you don’t wish to tell why you use it, it’s cool.
I was born in 1967. My mother and father were fans of Andy Williams. He married Longet in 1961. When I was born they chose my first name as Claudine. Longet named her daughter Noelle which is the middle name they chose for me. Longet wasn’t accused of murder until the 70’s. Nothing sinister about the reason for my screen name on WordPress. She wasn’t an accused murderer when I was born. So, now you know my identity and the reason for my name. Why is your blog name “pantiesfullofwisdom”? Forgive me if I got the name wrong. It was panties full of something.
CL,
Why do you get defensive? I said you didn’t have to explain. You choose to insult my blog name which is unnecessary. I simply asked why that name. I don’t know you or your identity. That is what is great about the Internet, it’s all make believe. You can be whomever you want. Again I was interested because she made music. Not to provoke your anger. Why so angry about a simple question? I don’t get it.
Replied to you below…
Intesting that you took me asking the same question you asked me as my being defensive and angry. I answered you because I wanted to and I in no way insulted the name of your blog. In fact, I apologized if I had gotten it wrong. It was as simple a question as you asked me. And you didn’t state the question simply for music which is why you put singer/murderer. You’ve clearly assigned tone and motive to my words on a page. I think you and I should go no contact. Sound good?
The last communication I had with mine, where I caved and reached out first (and heard the vocal tone of total indifference) was him telling me “there will be gaps in our communication but I’m never going to abandon you”…
What the F does that even mean??!!! Aside from the usual affirmation of how they never go away, that is. Interesting word choice. “Abandoning” me?
Anyone care to decipher that one?
G,
Do you have a fear of abandonment? The word abandon has a finality to it. So I think he’s saying it will never be final. Using that word specifically if it is a fear of yours gets double fuel. It hurts you to think about abandonment and tells you at the same time he’s just disengaged you.
If he was abandoned it could be a pity statement, I would never do that to you as it was done to me, reinforcing the idea of feel sorry for me and lyingly saying he could not possibly do that to you, laughing at it. Or just flat out saying he will be hoovering at some point without reading into it. Sometimes they aren’t that deep. Depending on lesser – mid – greater.
My thoughts anyway, which do not count against the master.
Hi Anna Belle,
I do have a slight fear of abandonment, yes. I never specifically said it to him but looking back now he knew enough about me, my childhood, my relationship with my parents, other parts of my life, etc. to likely formulate that I did have this fear, even if I did not specifically say it to him.
On the other hand, he shared things from his childhood with me (which I realize now may have just been lies and him blowing smoke up my ass) but if the things he shared were accurate then yes he could have possibly had the same fear. His parents were divorced and he had step-siblings, that I knew. As far as the stories he told me of his childhood I have no idea what to believe. So I guess it is safe for me to assume that a little bit of me and a little bit of him was wrapped up in the “abandonment” statement.
He made MANY references using the word “abandon” words saying things like,
“I know we had a horrible argument today and I said I did not want to talk to you anymore. I am so sorry that I said that, I am sorry that I hurt you. I will be here for you. We are friends do not abandon one another.”
“I am trying to destroy your obsession with me. You cannot be in love with me, it is wrong. I cannot give you what you need. I cannot leave my wife for you. But I will give you what I can. I will not abandon you”
“I am going to block you someday and I will need you to be respectful of me and block me back. It is for our own good”
however a few weeks later he unsaid that and then said,
“I will not block you. I cannot and will not. It is too cowardly and final. We need to get to a healthy place and we can. There will be lapses in our communication but I will not abandon you!”
He often mentioned his wife and his infidelities. “She has given me another chance, I do not want her to leave me and I will not leave her. I cannot. I would die. I will not abandon her or my daughter”.
I am at a point now where I do not know what to believe. He told me his favorite color was green and his favorite food pizza (which is not something we had in common so I have no idea if he was truthful with that). I was told they feel no emotion, nothing. So this “fear” this fear of abandonment. Fear is an emotion. And they do not feel emotion. So in a way it cannot be something that may have happened in his childhood could it? He is probably just using it to manipulate me based on what he knows of my past.
Surely he does not care about his wife or child. Or me. I have classified him as a mid ranger Cerebral based on my consult with HG and reading the books. So your guess is as good as mine I suppose! Ya know? Thanks for listening!
Another masterpiece H.G.!
Some people mentioned that it was from the point of view of the victim-I don’t concur. I believe it is said from the POV of the Narcissist; all you have to do is count the “I’s” (37) and you will have no doubt. Empaths would have focused more on fixing the problem and not so much on themselves. Am I right? It is enlightening to see how they feel and what they tell themselves before a discard; which makes it okay for them to do what they do. What do you think H.G?
Thanks,
Beautiful rendition of this song, You’ve Changed. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ci0JO6dlp_g
I have stayed the same. You have not wanted to realize it until you had to. You have had to change based on who you are and you are projecting. What do you need to do? I can’t answer that. It has to come from within you. Peace.
HG, have you ever cried in order to convince your primary source of supply that you were sincere, regretful or deserving of a chance??
Hello Mel, no I have not. Tears are a sign of weakness.
My best friend N,cried in front of me,while he was saying that his wife doesn t understand him,that she has changed,that his marriage is t funcioning (they have been married for 2 years).
Dear HG was that only for getting fuel from me,was he then devalueiting her:-D
Yes.
Thank you HG and thank you for shareing your knowledge with us.You helped me a lot;)
You are welcome.
Totally and exactely my feelings and thoughts.
😢
They move from person to person, biting and causing pain, sucking out life and moving on. They leave a mark. You scratch yourself raw. You try to protect your self, but they keep coming back. You want to clear out, but you can’t get away from them. What am I talking about? Mosquitos of course. Huh, I guess Narcissist would fit too. 😉
I’ve changed? What about you?!
I said all this word vomit. But I texted it to. I texted most of it to my best friend asking her what I should do. One day mid discard I accidentally texted a text meant for her to him. The blood drained from my body the instant I realized what I had done. Excellent fuel right there. I was right where he wanted me. Suicidal.
I have been on break from all the triggers that seemed to hit me all at once here.I stopped reading your books altho I did order 3 more I havent even opened the package.. I thought I was doing really well 200+ days since laying eyes on David (including photos) 60+ days since text or email (I changed my number & email) .I come back as I was actually missing all of ya’ll & the panic attacks had subsided,the wails of an animal dying had ended,the shakes stopped,& I was beginning to have a bit of an appetite & I answered my door today ( no not him thankfully)
But this just fuckin stripped me of every gain I believed Id made since my last contact with him. I heard my pathetic self saying these words HG but hearing them with ears that now know the truth thanks to you & Iam gra teful for the truth.But, what I want to know is, does anyone ever heal ?
Does the pain go away ? Must I always be aware of the possibility of triggers triggering ? Will this ever fuckin end ?
Everyone on here has been so encouraging. I wanted to encourage you too but it feels like it will never end. This is way more than just a broken heart. It’s fucking brainwashing. Maybe years from now we can look back and laugh. Seems so far away. Hugs….
Thank you,& yes it does seem to never end..Your encouragement is much appreciated !
Yes, me too. I interpret this to be the victim speaking. It seems more like it than from the point of view of a Narcissist.
When you say,
“Believe me, I have spent long hours working out everything that has been said, what has not been said and all the acts and omissions. I have played them, replayed them and chopped back and forth, like some detective analysing CCTV footage in the hope of finding that one clue. That one lead, that certain something that will allow me to understand how we lost that certain something.”
This is pretty much what my mind repeats over and over and over. If I had done ABC situation differently….or said XYZ instead would it be different? The never ending hamster wheel of my mind.
Sobbing as I read this and how can no one else understand? It’s like you give up all your morals, ethics, anything to have them back. But you don’t really want them back because you know how beaten you were during devaluation. But you NEED them back. I can’t go back to that. I’v lost 30 lbs and my sanity. Only God can really help me now. When will I stop crying???????
Karen
Though it seems impossible and improbable at the moment, probably due to severe PTSD symptoms you are experiencing. As you work through the five stages of grieving( over and over back and forth and around and around) eventually you will receive clarity and understanding and in the end acceptance and strength. Keep reading, educate yourself, focus on your feelings, give the fuel you gave to him to yourself . Do not give up on yourself. You will find your footing again… a bit scarred and beaten yes.. but beneath all that a power you didn’t know you processed. This I promise you.keep going one day at a time
Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. I wish I could meet you. People who understand what i’m going through. Cause NOBODY does!!
They just say I’m overreacting. and he’s just a loser. Yes I know he’s a loser. Please stop reminding me. Yes I’ll be better off without him. Please stop saying that. Yes yes yes. Head vs Heart
I get it. My emotions don’t seem to listen to reason. Karen
Karen
You are not overreacting, your emotions have taken a beaten. Sadly many don’t understand, due to not being able to visually see the damage.
Keep moving forward, some days you will go forward 5 and then find yourself stepping back 3, try and not beat yourself up over this, it is a normal process. Look at it as You are still Ahead. Here you will find an understanding and support from many that do understand. From HG you will receive the knowledge to why it happened. Ask questions, if you have many thou I would advise to speak with him (consultation), for me talking with him one on one helped I could go into more detail then I would ever publicly do and he was able to give an accurate answer to my situation.
I promise it gets better and you will find strength you never knew you had.
Darkness (evil) embraced you, in the Twilight you come to understand, in the Dawn you will live!
Hugs
Karen,
When you say this….
“They just say I’m overreacting. and he’s just a loser. Yes I know he’s a loser. Please stop reminding me. Yes I’ll be better off without him. Please stop saying that. Yes yes yes. Head vs Heart”
Holy damn. It’s like you’re in my head. This is, word for word what I hear from everyone and how I feel as well. Word for word. Relatable AF!!!!!
Very good article HG! I remember desperately uttering similar words to him. Trying so hard to make sense of how just hours before I had gone from being the love of his life to being absolutely worthless and tossed aside without any clue as to why. Ironically I have heard these words directed to me from him in fairly recent Hoover attempts. Attempts which I showed no emotional reaction whatsoever.It is no longer an effort for me to do so anymore…I see him for who he truly is and have no fantasy idealizations anymore. I purchased three of your paperback books today.. Fuel, Fury and Exorsism.. I wait in anticipation for them to arrive. Thank u for your knowledge HG:)
I think this is the POV of the victim begging for the return of the golden period. Can’t picture a Narc doing this post golden period. Sounds like a victim is being disengaged with. Also, there’s mention of letting the other down, again very un-Narc like in my opinion.
I think it represents both victim and narc. From the victim pov it is obvious. If we all didn’t relate to that soul crushing pain then we never would have stumbled upon HG in the first place (where, in this forum, I begrudgingly supply him with attention and even line his already full pockets by purchasing his books- just one so far. But Ugh…) From the narc pov it represents the deep narcissistic injury/wound/pain that goes through their monds when we don’t live up to their expectation of us. They are just as insecure as we are. In HG’s case the festering and ever present wound and never to be met expectation was caused by his dearest mother.
Minds not monds…
Joanne
Read it over again remembering that they believed at one time you were “the one” and they blame you now for the failure. They are never at fault but they will use that seductive yet forked tongue to lead you to believe that it was your fault. To keep you wondering if you could have done something different, that you changed, gaslighting you. They want to keep you aching for them and fresh for a hoover. Yes, they will say all of these things-it is part of the game to make you crazy and keep you hooked. You cannot believe that if they could say these things that they never loved you yes? Its why people find it so hard to leave. I believe it can be read from either side. Some say words of the victim and some say the narc but remember, from his point of view they are one and the same when there is failure. They are never accountable. Whenever I see that people say these words come from the victim I think: keep reading. In time you will see clearly that these words can fall gracefully from their lying lips if it serves their purpose.
He did say these things & 35 emails saying how he couldn’t live without me & he could cry too . The last email was my aha to stop contact that I should “get out there & suck his dick & I love you baby but I’m not going to change so get used to it ” & then “hahahahaha you’re so pathetic & obcessed” even tho I hadn’t said a word . I changed my number & email 10 mins later .
Narc Angel
I think you could write a book.
You are full of strength and your words do reach in and are helpful.
I have a screenshot of one of your earlier posts.
I can find it and read it whenever I need to.
Tremendous comments you often make and I sincerely thank you for writing them.
Debbie
Thank you for your kind words. Hold that thought though………’cause when Im good I’m very very good, but when I’m bad I’m horrid.
My words (similar in nature to my many posts but in a childs language) to my Mother, fell on deaf ears while I watched the destruction of my family at StepNarcs hands. In refusing to give up my strength, I saw that it was necessary to become more like him than them, and so I wander somewhere between Empath and Sociopath. That is why sometimes my posts may seem contradictory or that I am taking HGs side. I am not taking sides but trying to give the children a voice. The children you dont think are watching or affected (even as adults) and yes even the children like HG who took a different path from mine. Had my abuser been successful or even more socially accepted I cannot say that I would not have chosen his path. It’s hard having maintained strength through all I endured not only unable to save my family but to watch so many people falter and stay stuck when faced with abuse. There are those who are always able to find a kind word but that is not me. To me, to coddle you is to give your abuser another day while you reason that you need time, or that there are others that understand. I want to hit you where you live, to have you rail at me, to remind you that if you have the strength to come at me that you still have the strength to get through and it would be better served against your abuser-not me. Today-not tomorrow. And so I keep on saying things. Not always well received despite the delivery, always well intentioned.
I can relate.
I’m somewhere between Empath and Narc
Innate Empath
Aquired Narc
That will be normal.
NarcAngel,
Yes you’re right. I guess I never got the extent of these words as an IPSS and more so remembered similar things coming out of my own mouth. But rereading it, I caught glimpses of memories of these lies being told to me. Like HG said, loss of fuel is like the world coming to an end for them, so this sounds like an abuser thinking of it that way.
Is this from the warped point of the victim or the warped point of view of the narcissist?
Oh…that was the point wasn’t it Mr. Tudor?
Precisely WEB.
Is this excerpts from letters of IPPS’s?
They way you wrote it can be interpreted from your point of view and the victim.
A very good one here HG IMHO.
I was about to say the exact same thing, although a part of me leans more towards the narcissist and a classic Hoover attempt or the slow, subtle shift to further isolate the supply:
“They’re just jealous of what we have, that’s why you’re friends are saying you should leave me”
“I know I haven’t been myself lately, and I’m sorry; I promise things will get better once things get better/less stressful/fall into place”
“I hope your silence isn’t a bad sign”
Etc. etc. etc.