Told You So
“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”
“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”
“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”
“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”
“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”
“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”
“To me you are.”
“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”
“Well I am.”
“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”
“What else?”
“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”
“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”
“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”
“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”
“How? By you?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”
“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”
“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”
“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”
“Yes we have haven’t we?”
“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”
“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”
“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”
“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”
“No?”
“No. We have both suffered previously.”
“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”
“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”
“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”
“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”
“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”
“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”
“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”
“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”
“Do you mean that?”
“Absolutely.”
“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”
“That will never happen. You have me forever.”
“I hope so, I really do.”
“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”
“Okay, same again please.”
“Coming right up. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
80 thoughts on “Told You So”
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Grrrrrrr HG!!! Not at you just at how i allowed yhis to happen to me bcuz of all of the red flags that i did see innthe beginning i let go bcuz when i questioned him he always came back with a reason that sounded believable at time i believed him and let it go. 7 1/2 yrs later him i am sitting now knowing what/who he is and trying to figure out how in the hell to get away when he still holds my damn heart in the palm of his hand..using it against me every second of everyday! Please rip my heart out and let my mind control my emotions!! I would be fine at that point in some ways. I want this over!!! I m so tired of HURTING!!! Will you hold me? Lol.
Better yet..will u whoop his ass (arse) for me? That will replace you needing to hold me!!! 😜
We can discuss terms.
You wear your underpants on the outside. A chill has run down my spine.
Have you been truthful in saying you have no children? And no word games here please. You as in you. Not one of your alter egos/whoever is present and writing at whatever given time.
Yes I have been truthful. The truth, brutal as it is,is always delivered here.
HG.
Your usual great article! Why do you guys say all that? My ex would make a few similar comments and I would always respond much in the same way. Is this spontaneous or planned? Why say it?
Thanks!
Another one exactly to the point. I was told to be careful from the start. I give her a credit for that. We as victims have a share of guilt sometimes, I mean when it all starts to unfold in front of you, and you have been warned, it all comes to the perfect seduction they are creating as a trap. Those sinful promises of naughty sex acts always make a perfect trap.
HG,
Would it be correct to assess that depending on the type of narcissistic the specificity of verbiage would change by sources such as the examples given by Gabrielle from Love to Care or is that to cause more of an appeal towards wanting to get the victim to crave more and manipulation of fuel?
The latter.
AME,
Excellent question! The “I care for you” is a frequent comment I hear along with “I will never abandon you!” He has abandoned me so let’s hope he keep that promise and stays away.
Oh the “I love you” would occasionally be resurrected but for the most part it was “I care about you.”
Ah that should have said let’s hope he DOESN’T keep that promise.
Once again you are in my head with the conversations I’ve had with him.
I always thought Narcs saw themselves and perfect and wondered how that could be when I heard so many damaging things said by mine to put himself down. Like,
“I am one year of your life”
“I CANNOT be this important to you, I cannot”
“You came up with 40 reasons why you love me?” (his disdain and utter shock at something I wrote and yes I did come up with 40 reasons, which I am sure were just illusory)
and so on…..the epitome of low self esteem.
Then again nothing is real and all they do is mimic. Or in this case playing the “damaged” person.
Reading this comes across all too familiar from the darker individuals I’ve had the “enlightening” experience of being with. It’s a dark pit that draws you in like a thirsty doe to a stream. Especially if you have your own void that’s healing from past abuse. Looking deeper into these interactions reveal so much that exists inside their declarations which hover behind a shimmering smoke that diffuses all logical discourse. It’s all a part of the platitudes that are portrayed. It can seem surreal when witnessed but the goodness and naivety of empathy always overrides the ability to see through the mirrors. It’s disheartening the further along it proceeds and the shadows show themselves. What a reminder this article is. It made me lucid.
I feel the pain of those affected in these comments. Here’s some of the things that echo in my mind from my experiences.
“The person you see me as seems like a distant memory. There isn’t much good left in me.”
“Sorry for my silence. I just don’t want to bother you.”
“It’s the silence that destroys.”
“It’s their own fault for being devoid of intellect. Not like you though, you aren’t like anyone I’ve ever known. You get me.”
“Oh, but with her it was hell. Not with you though. You are an angel.”
“If only I could have had better control. I never would have let you get away. Things were just out of my control.”
“I know you want more than I can give. But it simply cannot be more than that. Oh, but I do enjoy our conversations.”
“Hearing the misfortunes of others often makes me salivate. Regret is a fleeting emotion when kindness seems in short supply. But there I’ve gone and said too much again.”
“Wrap your hands around my neck. Hard, choke me hard. I know you want to.”
“Of course you deserve happiness. Consider what I said to be a demon exorcised.”
“I’m sure our paths will cross again.”
“This isn’t over.”
KDB, wow. I have heard similar things said to me based on those you indicate above. Some with slight variation.
The “wanting more than I can give” though. Damn. Mine said the same shit to me. “I cannot give you what you want”. But “you are important to me”. I cannot love you. I love my WIFE. (Yawn, you sure as hell did not love her while you were f**king me). And the overused “I want to be your friend” line too. In the beginning of things he was on the opposite side, justifying his behavior. “I see nothing wrong with having a sexual relationship with a friend as long as it does not infringe upon my marriage”.
“Your feelings for me cannot be justified.”
“I love you” was also stricken from the record and replaced with “I care about you”. Whenever I used “I love you” or “I am in love” etc. it was met with a response of “you are to stop saying that to me”.
“I am sorry you are suffering today. I really am, I hate that and it pains me that I have caused it”.
“I never should have come onto you so strongly. Being intimate with you was so amazing and was pure ecstasy but it never should have happened. We need to do the right thing here and end the illicit behavior”. (yet he bedded me a few more times after that)
I remember every f**king word he has ever said to me, I wish I could forget it but I never will, this is just a handful of such phrases.
I feel you. Heard similar friendship declarations that made me laugh after the fact of being drawn in romantically from the beginning. It’s like having a carrot dangled in front of you on a string, or perhaps several. Like a script being read out to you as your intuition questions but good intention blinds. Interestingly enough, he always wanted to be an actor. Perhaps he finally got to pursue that career, only it was on the stage of life – if you get my drift. Calling them out on it only fuels the flames too. Unwinnable.
Even if such individuals can poison the mind, you’ll always have the strength of heart to learn from those experiences to protect yourself. At least now we know and growing stronger is perhaps our prize interminably.
KDB.
An actor? That is an interesting perspective. Mine was actually a musician! Composer/orchestrator/arranger specifically. Guess it gave new meaning to “playing many instruments at once”. Aka: People!
He was a struggling musician though. Community theater (no pay) and an occasional wedding gig. He had a day job as a receptionist in a doctor’s office. The way he boasted his knowledge and big vocab though, one would think he was a therapist or doctor. And all he did was check the patients in and schedule appointments but he refereed to them as “his” patients.
Tryingtoescape remember the question someone put on here: what is in it for you? Look at yourself and see if you can identify anything. Believe ithat or not you are the stronger one although you won’t feel like it at the moment. You have the ability to stop this. You can be in control and stop hand ing your control to others. No idea where you reside but if you really want peace then you could start with domestic abuse helpline and go to your local meetings. Also have a look at the power and control wheel, it truly is brilliant. I have never had to escape but I believe it’s do it on the discrete and disappear yourself. Not a hint to anyone. Wrench your heart back, it’s yours go share it with someone who you deserve and treats you like a woman with respect. Good luck and take care.
KDB, have you been dating my ex?????
It never ends well for us, right? Even, or especially, if they marry us? My logical mind knows this, but my stupid emotions are concerned that he really is as good to her as he pretends to me that he is, you know, on the days that he spends with me when he is not with her. She made sure to put a picture of them together in his bedroom, but that was more for my sake, to show me, even if she is not completely sure about my existence, that she is winning. And I know that statements just answered my question, but when he tells me he might marry her and that she will have his child, it still kills me. So, tell me that it will end worse for her than me since she will be worse off as the primary than I as the understudy.
Sigh. Some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue. This is not my favorite of days.
I can understand you but the question is do you like yourself?
Hannah.. i believe it ends up worse for the understudy .. as in intimate partner secondary sources..because the primary source never finds out the full extent of his double or triple life with other secondary sources. He plays happy families and lies so effectively and ensures the primary source is part of his extended family where they worship her.. meanwhile we as secondary sources are hidden .. never to emerge with him in the open.. and when we question them, we get devalued immediately because we have dared to ask a question where we stand on their life.. that is why i have gone no contact for 6 weeks so far because it hurt too much seeing him go back to the primary source each day and brag about it to me.. we deserve much better.. but yes it is hard to let go when the initial golden period was so intoxicating..sigh
I think I need to stop reading my life on this site. I think narcAllister was reading you shortly after you started to post, as some of these articles I have in emails from him, almost word for word. We were planning the next few years together, our old age, the seaside cottage, travel and grandkids…..right up to the day before I kicked him out. I feel sick.
Well done on being so strong to put an end to the madness. Smile as you have just escaped a crocodile. Life is for living not being a maid. Happy life 🙂
Coming to Chicago, are you? aka… Gotham City, where heros wear their underpants on the outside 🦇
Lol…if HG is coming to Chicago, I need to know when so I can GTFO.
This made me chuckle far more than it should have.
That’s fine. I joke with HG that we will meet on Halloween. I know it won’t actually happen. If it did, I’d choose Detroit.
Your ex sounds horrible. With your foundation with HG, you can tell ex it is over without saying a word.
A showdown in Detroit! I understand the exploration of that in the imagination, I’d love to put something like that to the test. I can at least do it in writing!
That’s very kind of you to say so. Luckily it’s been quite a long time since I’ve seen this person face to face and have had many years of no contact. But with a dynamic as strong as this one was, the push and pull was fierce between his dark side and my want to restore whatever was broken inside. It was a futile effort but I understand much more since finding HG’s insights. The ex continues on in the need for fuel consumption and I move forward.
One must wonder which is a more cruel existence in the end. Perhaps being able to see this is a strength that has to be embraced by survivors of the exploitative void of these individuals. Authenticity is the key.
If your life is flourishing despite your past circumstances, you have at least the peace of irony and mindfulness in knowing your heart can always be mended. (Even if we never see that showdown.)
I think we should all meet at SIP for ☕️ and consult 😎
I think we should all meet at SIP for ☕️ and consult 😎?
Hey, HG…. Will you ever, at any point, reveal your true identity or is it forever concealed? Inquiring minds NEED to know…
Certain events needs to be in place before that will happen.
which events?
1. Securing my legacy.
2. Achieving revenge on certain parties.
3. Ensuring I no longer have to engage in my professional activities.
Those are the main ones.
a lifetime then…
No.
Hi HG,
Securing your legacy, is that solely financial inheritance or more…names on things, titles, etc?
No longer doing the job gig….ah, so it isn’t something that inherently gives you joy? Or does it?
The legacy is beyond the inheritance, it is making more of a mark on the world. This will happen through what I do here and also something else which is in hand.
I do not do joy Indy the Marcher. I find my profession excellent for fuel and the results it achieves but I do not intend to continue doing it forever.
Hmmm, good point, joy is not your thing….how about deep satisfaction? I find meaning in my work, often times. Do you find “meaning” in your profession?
I find satisfaction and contentment and pride.
Was it your dream job? What jobs did you dream of doing as a child? Originally, I wanted to be an artist, then a nun, then a scientist….then eventually a psychologist.
What I do I do very effectively and is especially apt for me
I understand that. So, what was your dream job as a child? Did you have one?
King of England.
Nice come back, Tude!
A nun??? Indy, I hope it was because a Jude Law lookalike was the archbishop in your neighborhood. I remember thinking how handsome the priests were in Rome. I would have been a nun too if it wasn’t for the whole oath of celibacy thing. 😉
Hi Love,
I just saw your message, yes a nun. Well, I was 12 when I wanted to be one as I eyed boys with suspicion. (I grew out of that by 14) Agreed, some priests are cute, though none of the ones that were in my church (shudders). I moved on to those cute pediatricians, librarians, biologists, dancers, musicians…hehe. I briefly worked at Boston’s Children’s Hospital and it was like a candy shop of interns. In the last 10 years, before my relationship with ex-narcissist, I went through an artist/musician phase. I do love a creative brainiac combo. The other day, a co-worker of mine just said to me that I need to get back out there and date, even just for fun. Perhaps I will this summer…nothing like a summer fling. 🙂
Yes Indy!!! I’m giddy with excitement! So proud of you for thinking about dating again! We NEED love and affection! Oxytocin is essential! To be honest, I sensed a little romance when you responded to a male poster a few days ago. He seemed like such a sweet guy ❤❤❤
You picked up on affection in my tone on here? Hmmm, I will need to look. LOL We do thrive on connections and attachments as humans since we are social beasts. I actually am putting it off until this summer to even think about dating as I am processing a couple of deaths in the family right now (today was the birthday of my ex that died that I told you was a true love between empaths). Saturday, my son’s best friend (was like a son to me) had passed at 26. Been tough times the last several months. So, I am cautious to not be vulnerable in the sea, with seeping blood from my ankles…Thus, I will take my time. I appreciate your enthusiasm and encouragement though and I will let you know when I get out there. 🙂
I’m sooo sorry Indy! May their souls rest in peace. You deserve so much happiness. You’ve gone through too much. 💙💙💙
Thank you, Love. Hugs
Hi Indy. I wanted to be a nun. I’d put a towel over my head like the habit.Then I disovered Halloween and no more nun.
Lol Jaded, I used to wrap a long towel over my head! Though that was because I was a famous singer with long hair who was performing at a sold out concert. Most often I was singing Madonna’s songs. 😁
My nun thing was only for a couple of years, it quickly changed to biologist/science nerd and then counselor in high school. That towel thing, I did that too hehe. Halloween does rock!
Haha.. I was done before I was 4 years old. I wanted to be Law Enforcement. It didn’t happen. In HS I took all math and science and I knew I would never make a career. The classes were so fun, especially anatomy and physiology.
Law Enforcement, cool. Is it a job held by those in your family? What did you eventually do?
It was something I wanted to do but things didn’t work out. I am far away from LEO. It’s.fine.. It’s how it was meant to be.
The true deception is it’s still a lie because it was never him that within his heart is damaged!!!
You were nothing but a rouse.
No more than a 3D virtual reality robot.
Internally limited to insincere, in-genuine responses for the sole purpose of fuel.
Your true character consist of lies, immorality, selfishness, conceit and abusive in your beastly nature.
Your heart beats only to keep oneself filled and fueled.
Yet as repulsed as I am at the creature within, I allowed myself to waste too many precious moments on such a foul being?
I will not be fooled by another creature again!
I feel sad only for the pain you endured to become this, yet know even this God loves but doesn’t mean I need to any longer.
HG is perfect the way he is….he has made sense of my whole life. Lol
exact words — I’m damaged
Geez —-
Same here. I was also told, “I’ve never been very good at relationships.” And I responded just the same as the one in this story. I’m truly sickened. But it feels good to know it wasn’t me. And no one behind me will get any better.
HG would you consider hypnotherapy to help you?
How would you regard that as helpful SVR? I would be interested to know.
As you can regress back and get to the trauma and deal with it with help. I understand you say you are not wishing to meet this beast but this beast has been caused due to a wound not your fault, am I correct? So why not be brave and come head to head with the bastard that is ruining your life and sort it out. Do you think there is something wrong with you or are you happy to continue and live life like you do? As I said before its hard to see someone suffer and be unable to help. I now know it’s not my problem thankfully but it’s still unsettling.
I know that I am regarded as ‘wrong’ by others, I am an effective unit.
Shuddering.
But thank you nontheless.
You are welcome.
Hello, How is Mr. Tudor doing these days?
Curious on your current progress.
He is excellent well Indy the Marcher and about to head to far flung fields. How are you?
Oh, going on a journey? Internally or externally or BOTH! Business or pleasure?
I am doing well, no whiff of my recent ex-narcissist for 90 days! He has fuel, good for him….and me. Thinking of the beaches and the freedoms of Canada and my marching brethren in Russia. But, at least I have my health. Hehe.
Good news for you. Externally. Business. Someone needs to keep the world a safer place.
Tease, tease. I do wish to know, and I know even if I guessed, you would deny. Indeed, we need a hero (said to Bonnie Tyler tune)…perhaps the unexpected type!
Let’s just say I wear my underpants on the outside, so no more clues!
Captain Underpants!! I knew you were real! 😉
Fo sho!
Hysterical 😂😂
Have you ever disclosed your age?
My age is easily summed up by the fact that I am old enough to know but young enough to do.
Game playing, disclose with no lying 😉
I believe I know who Mr. Tudor is. He is the boy who the Dalai Lama has appointed to be the 15th reincarnation of the holy monk. However, he is currently being held by China. They must be moving him now (given Mr. Tudor’s statement about a ‘big journey’). The save the world, underpants, and age comments gave it away. 😀