Residue
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you be instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and sounds, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
21 thoughts on “Residue”
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My therapist said the skin replaces itself every 27 days. So look at it like this he’s going to be out of your skin in a few days. Funny but definitely not true.
He never owed me money. He never left anything of his at my place. He rarely came anyway and I made DAMNED sure I did not leave anything of mine at his. BUT, he did however DEMAND CONTINUALLY the return of things he had given me. A DVD player when we were engaged. (He still had 2 of his own). A portable stereo given at the same time. (He still had 1 of his own). And……wait for it…..my Engagement and Wedding rings were DEMANDED AFTER THE DIVORCE! I saw them as trophies in his eyes. ‘Did he get anything back’ I hear you ask? HELLLLL NOOOOO!!!!!
Thank you once again for the truth. After a year of no contact, I am happy, thriving and moved on yet the ghost still haunts me from time to time. I’ve been struggling with this, it’s never happened before. Now I know its not my creation, but I will find a way to conquer it! I don’t know where I would be in this process without finding this blog. Remember what HG taught you is now a helpful, healing thought.
You are welcome.
HG,
We have a difference of opinion. At some point there is a choice of whether we continue to think of you (collective), or move on in life.
It’s similar to being attracted to alcoholics, or addicts.
If the focus is put on ourselves & what we can change & less focussed on what we want to change about you, then we win. We move on. We learn to live with you & not need to be with you. Big difference.
“That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you.”
When he saw me after not seeing me for decades, he had a smile like that. I even said when I came back, the smile was just for me, eyes lit up. How it turned into the most hateful spiteful and bitter look, spitting rage at me just 7 days later was the most shocking, devastating experience I ever had. Lately, I have been thinking of an experience I had once. I tried to defend a woman in line at a bus station from some psychotic person. He turned on me with the most crazy, insane look imaginable. It was really hard to face that that look I saw 7 days later was almost the same. I envy the people who think he is so wonderful, a breath of fresh air, who have never ever seen that side to him. I envy they can think that of him. And I can’t believe how crazy he made me feels when it was all him.
Hmmmmmm Mr.HG. 2day has been an Eventful read!! This 1 I like, bcuz I did all the opposite w/XN. I delivered his belongings, continued to be civil, not whine for attention & wished 2 help him through his *sad New source dismissal! I found it My KARMA, so I guess I was being selfish. But I wonder how he feels since I did take his Residue back to him?!??? I also Loved the -Shifting of Sands read, It was something that answered a lot of my questions. Great day of Mr. HG feeding my mind! 🙂
Good, please do keep reading.
It’s funny you should post this. I was just thinking about all the ‘offers’ he makes and never ever follows through…
Let’s go take photos together
Play tennis
Train my dog
Help set up my fish tank
Get on son on his son’s soccer team
Loan me his camera lens
Give me a laptop case
Every time initiated by him, every time failed to follow through. I’m pretty sure they’re designed to a) Hoover me and b) keep me hanging.
I just say ‘yeah sure’ and laugh. I’d be more shocked if he followed through.
Mine promised to do my garden. (He is a professional gardener – mind HG’s Blog-Post on the narcissist being a farmer, giving and destroying plants..)
Ok. The narcissist I was involved with after months of deleting and breaking promises did half of my garden, then left a huge, weighty ladder standing in the middle, promised to finish the garden next week, disappeared for several weeks and then made a huge show in finally coming to get the ladder out of my garden without finishing it… The ladder in my garden was a huge tormenting memorial of his permanent breaking promises and dissappointing me and my incapability to get rid of him…
Absolutely the intention.
Intention or Instinct, Mr. Tudor? He is an upper lesser somatic narcissist…
INstinct.
Faszcinating instinct. Thank you so very much for providing this answer so rapidly!!!
You are welcome.
Ursula: if there’s anything else left in your garden …. it’s the time for Easter fires this weekend …
Yeah, ava101!👍 I have even got something better. Another professional gardener is going to come on Easter-Saturday and clear my garden completely and give it a new design, planting new bushes and the like..
The narc’s show-off with the ladder happened october 2016…
I am looking forward to the new garden!
By the way: Monsieur-le-narcissiste insisted on me assisting him when working in the garden wearing mini-skirt and highheels…
Exactly as Mr. Tudor is pointing out in ‘Sex and the Narcissist’ that the garden and neighbours are going to play a great role within the devaluation process…
I absolutely enjoy being in this forum!
Thanks for getting in touch!
Yet again a very timely article.
I’m beginning to get freaked out by the fact that whatever I am thinking about you write about at the same time.
As ever though I am grateful.
Thank you.
Wow. I really enjoyed reading this one. HG, you are spot on. My ex Narc has all the baby pics in his possession. He left items (too heavy for me to even lift) at my home for 16 years (!) Then of course blamed me when he found items missing!! Your kind are really so intelligent (seriously)!
Thank you Pam.