Why Yes Is Not Always Best
Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.
“I will think about it.”
“We shall see.”
“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”
“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”
You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.
By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.
We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.
“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”
“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”
“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”
It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.
You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.
16 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best”
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Yes!
Agreed. No is a complete sentence. I see people all around me make excuses when they do not want to do something or attend an event (loan money, babysit, or Christmas anyone?) and qualify it with a long rambling lie. They prefer to offer it as a reason but an excuse or lie is really what it is and all involved know it. If the person wants to call you on it they will offer solutions to your problem such as so and so can babysit or I can give you a lift etc. So there you are lying with nobody really buying it and if being called on it, its done in a passive aggressive manner by offering a solution. No one feels good about it. Is that really easier than just saying: No. Or, thank you but no, and ending it there? When did lying become better than being honest but direct? If you start to practice saying no without a qualifier in small everyday situations you will find that it gets easier and you will have no problem saying no when someone crosses a boundary in your relationships. I say no thank you all the time and not only has the world not come to an end, the invitations have not either. People who do not accept NO are boundary crossers and you should not concern yourself with offending them.
Very well said, NA! 🙂
I got a lot of “yes” in the golden period, then hedging and “let me check my calendar” in the devaluation period then finally a firm “no” or silence in discard. It was my one single “no, I will not come to see you this time, you have to come to me” that sealed my fate. Literally, in a 4 year span I told him no one time. He was done.
No.
Another well written piece.
Thanks again for the insight into a mind we could not comprehend before.
Thank you SVR.
All I have done is say no this week and voila! It’s the golden period again. Funny how that works sometimes and completely fails other times. This game really keeps you on your toes.
But this is where the paradox is. You say ‘no’ but many times you actually don’t mean it. Examples. Narc in his devalu me told me that we would not have a relationship beyond what we could (distance and all). This was after lots of lies that led me to believe otherwise. So, he says that and I was like ok, what are the boundaries (a word with no concep to him) then to our relationship. Turns out, we could actually do the exact same things we were doing, he even described itall .. be friends, chat, and …. flirt cause he rather enjoyed that part. So I was like, well, then what exactly are you saying ‘no’ to because he was making rules for our reltionship that actually had our relationship looking just like it did! So, what was he saying ‘NO” to? Nothing but acting in control?
Then, later, the Narc told me “no, no, no” about continuing to discuss our so called relationship. One, mind you, he had no problems talking/faking about to build me up and string me along to get money. Once gotten, but once I went after it for it to be returned, he was then, ‘no, no, no’ not going to talk about it anymore to me, there was nothing between us he wanted nothing to do with me. A year later, mistake of mine to reach out, he was ok now with us, as long as we didn’t visit the past and talk about it. And this time, I was like NO, we are going to talk about it or we can’t move on. Period. Now I am the one saying no.
My point is that I can’t tell you how many times he said no to me but then I never believed him and sure enough, I was able to get responses out of him. Almost felt like I was getting fuel from him at times. But I always felt he didn’t really mean it. He was blowing all over the place and I felt like he never could make up his mind what he wanted. Until now and he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me ever again.
Oddly, I made a list when I was a kid about things that I would do when I became a mother. One of the items was when I said NO, mean it! I have thought of that item on my list this past year, and why that was on my list. Odd thing for a child to have but I think maybe it spoke to the wishy washy nature of a narc? yes one moment, if the specific fuel needs were there, no the next if other fuel needs rose higher in need. I still mentally have flashes of those arguments in my head with the narc; had one the other day. A whole argument with him about how he had said yes to one thing only to turn around and then say no. Or vice versa. Nothing was ever consistent and dependable. So you can say no, but how many times do you really mean it? Like how many times, did I tell him to tell me no, end this ‘game’, let me go and move on from me. Nope, he can’t say no.
So I don’t think you guys really do say no with any real meaning. Its only if it serves. So it’s one more word that is not in fact emphatic, decisive and conclusive as you think, but is a huge part of the CD.
Don’t you think? Yes or no? (lol)
No.
I see what you did there.
😇
I needed this today!!!! Thank you for the wake up call!!
Pleasure.
I used to tell him he would say NO before the question was even out of my mouth. Toddlers love to say no as well.