In The End It Has To Hurt
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
17 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt”
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No one has that kind of power, not even a narc. Furthermore, everyone would get tired of eating one kind of food day in and day out. Nothing special about that. Here’s a question though for those who have been romantically involved with a narc — how many of you suffered a broken heart shortly before meeting the narc? Do you think that you may have transferred feelings for the one you’re mourning onto the narc and after the narc flashed their “magic wand” of illusion, you subconsciously believed that you were having the relationship you wanted with the one you mourn with the narc because the narc gave you the illusion of being what you craved to have with the person you lost? That means that you didn’t love the narc anymore then he or she loved you and both were caught up in some cheesy fairy tale myth but you couldn’t let go because it meant you would have to face that painful reality of loss again. It happened to me and once I faced that reality and gave myself time to mourn, things worked out a lot better for me.
Hi Rhonda. I was separated from my husband when I met whom I thought was Prince Charming came to the rescue. Now that the Prince is out of my life, I’m swearing off men . . . thanks for the reminder of how important it is for us who have feelings such as grief from a loss of a marriage (gone r all the hopes and dreams of one relationship) to take however long it takes to heal.
I was a sitting target. I was so vulnerable and sad. I told the narc too much information only to have it used against me during devaluation.
Do Mid Ranger ever finally let go off their NISSs, if they get bored off them?
Did-engagement will happen if the NISS fails to deliver in terms of fuel, obedience or exposes the narcissist in some way. It would be unusual for the narcissist to become bored of the NISS because the reliance on them is not as great as the IPPS. The narcissist may not bother with a NISS because there are other more fuelling NISSs providing residual benefits for example, but that NISS will be returned to if the need arises.
I can distinctly recall one of the many times when he was discarding me (again and again, before I really knew what was happening) and I asked him why. Why is he acting like this? Why does he tell me that he does not want me but then keeps coming back? He actually referred to a drug analogy and spun it around on me like it was my fault. “Do you know that you can want something and have it still be bad for you? Heroin anyone?” His exact words. After telling him I loved him, he then told me to “leave my emotions out of it” and he said that he was a drug to me. A drug that I needed to become clean from. I am too “dependent” on him. I became upset at this and I asked him why he even reached out to me in the first place (as in the very beginning, the whole “love bombing” thing). His response was “Well you were new and lovely and I could not help myself”. I was new but now there is someone “newer”.
So I must ask….does your kind know what they are? Was that a subtle clue he wanted to drop? Messing with my head or giving me a clue as to what he is? Alluding to the fact he could not help himself to the new flavor of ice cream (aka: me)…or was it just a coincidence? Do most Narcs know what they are?
No most narcissists do not know what they are since they are Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists. Greaters do know but they are rare.
I read your article referencing the fuel matrix. And with limited exception (I have never seen him hit or spit at anyone, then again I am LDR)….I found that he pretty much fit the profile for that you described as an MMRN.
I find it almost comical now that he actually said to me “you were new and lovely and I wanted to help myself”. It seems to be on par with your ice cream analogy, hence the reason I was asking. So now I am wondering if he does not know what he is, why was he able to, so effectively, describe why he chased after me using such a similar analogy to the ice cream thing you described (you were so new, so lovely, etc). Was this just a coincidence? Or was it his way of basically telling me he found someone else more new and more lovely? Or is it all to just keep messing with my head? Or all of the above?
(Yes I know I need to stop asking follow up questions and just pay pal you the money for my damn consultation already….) Nonetheless, your reply is appreciated if you are able to do so. 🙂
He wanted to flatter you and also convey that he appears decisive. That is the short response but there is more to it.
Another masterpiece HG!
I love the analogy! Is the sudden familiarity only applicable to the Greater? Do the lesser’s take longer to get bored?
Thanks:)
Thank you. Generally speaking, yes.
I love and thrive in contrasts..
I’ ve just took my daughter to see the new Beauty and the Beast.
Superb.!!!!
The part of Belle really suit Emma Watson and dashing Dan Stevens as the Beast
He looks to me another of your kind
HG
What do you think?
I haven’t seen the film and it isn’t on my to do list.
Hi Maria!
My ex loved that story and that was the theme for her wedding. She referred to herself as the Beast from the day I met her and talked about how her finance was Belle. I thought there was something to that also.
She was drawn to that story.
All the previews have been triggers for me and it’s too bad because I love Emma Watson.
Snow White
Definetly it can be a methaphor for the Emphat and the Narc..
that is why i keep on believing that a loving patient attitude and sensitiveness to what lies beneath the cruel hard shell of nastiness … can change even a Narc into a true Prince ..
My hope never stop hoping..
Excellent analogy HG.
Thank you. I am now hooked to your writing.
Excellent, do keep on reading.