The Hateful Eight of Hearing
When you speak, this is what we actually hear. We hear the words but the effect differs. You say the words in bold but beneath is what we really hear you say to us.
- I Love you
I admire you. I adore you. You are a god. You are a prince among men. Nobody does it better. You are a king, an emperor, a champion. You are everything that I have ever wanted. I would wither and die were it not for you. I want to be with you forever. I want to worship beneath you and give thanks minute by minute that someone so scintillating, so special and so brilliant as you would choose me to be by your side. I will give you sweet, potent and invigorating fuel now and forever. I am bound to you now, do as you will.
- Please leave me alone
Stay and punish me. I am disloyal and a traitor. I have wronged you on so many occasions and I deserve everything that I get. I am weak, pathetic and disgusting and I am amazed at your generosity in remaining with me. I have failed you and I am so unworthy I wish to crawl into a hole and die there but I ought to face you and accept my punishment because my treacherous behaviour deserves nothing less. Continue to berate and denigrate me and reinforce why you are so much better than me.
- Why are you doing this to me?
I am challenging your right to treat me like this because I am suggesting that you are not entitled to do this. I am making it plain that you are not superior to me and you have no basis for behaving like this. I am trying to make you feel small and weak because I am disloyal and I am always looking for ways to stop you getting fuel. I am a traitor, a fifth columnist who is seeking to bring you down and topple this empire that you have created. I am criticising your entitlement. Do you hear that word you hate so much? Criticise. You need to carry on and punish me.
- What would you like for dinner?
I am trying to irritate you by suggesting that I do not already know. I am doing this because I am suggesting that I do not think ahead, plan and second guess to cater for your every need. Do you know why I am suggesting that? Do you know why I am pretending that I do not already know? It is because I want to strip you of your special and superior status. Yes, this is another of my seditious acts which is designed to make you think and feel that you are losing your power over me. It’s working isn’t it? You are feeling weakened and you are wondering what other treacherous acts I will engage in. Why don’t you lose your temper and throw something about? That will show me.
5. I think the blue shirt looks better on you
I am telling you that your choice of the red shirt is a bad one. Do you know why that it is? It is because you know nothing about clothes and fashion. In fact I am going further than that because I am actually telling you that you know nothing at all and I know better than you. Yes, can you believe it? Little old stupid me knows more than this supposed god that stands before me. How does that make you feel now eh? I love doing this. I love to challenge your choices and make you appear stupid next to me, a person who is apparently useless. Does this hurt? I thought so. That is why I do it because I am trying to destroy you with comments like this. I think you should storm out of the room and leave the house for a couple of days so I know who is in charge.
6.There’s something wrong with you
I am on to you. I know what you are. I know there is something rotten in the state of you. You are warped, evil and not the person you make out to be. I am not fooled any longer by your showmanship and I am going to tell everyone about you. I know the truth of what you are. Oh I know, how can I know when I am the one who has the problem. I know that I’m really the crazy one and I do nothing but make your life hell, but I am trying to brush that under the carpet by suggesting that you are the oddball, the maniac, the fruit loop, the kerazy wild-eyed freak. How dare I do so when I am the one that is obviously ill and needs help. I know I do but I like to play this game with you but it’s okay, you should go and tell everyone else what I am doing again and why not arrange for me to see a doctor too to give it a real ring of authenticity?
7. Please don’t leave me
I am weak and pathetic and useless. I should have known better than to fail you. I will do anything, anything at all to make you stay with me. You can treat me even worse now. Do what you will to me, I am nothing compared to you. I should be punished for my transgressions because I am so pathetic compared to your greatness. I am nothing without you. You have given me everything and like a spoilt child I have been so ungrateful but I need you. There I have said it. I need you so, so much because you are fantastic and you do so much for me and I am just a horrible person. You can treat me like dirt because that is what I deserve but why not ensure I get the message by walking out and staying away for several weeks without ever getting in touch. That should show who is boss shouldn’t it?
8. It is over.
Well I have said that but that is not what I meant. I meant I am an idiot and I say things which I do not mean because let’s be honest, there must be something wrong with me if I want to be apart from someone like you, someone so special, kind and wonderful who has only ever tried to do the right thing and someone who has only ever had my best interests at heart. I don’t mean it really. I am just doing it for attention, but I need you to tell me why I should stay and it would be great if you cried a bit too, just to make it look like you are really upset by me telling you it is over. Go on, squeeze a couple out to show me you really are human and can be hurt by my horrible threat. Oh and don’t be concerned, I know you finished it first.
20 thoughts on “The Hateful Eight of Hearing”
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Eek! Signs of where I totally went wrong!
#learning!
Wait. That’s not what love actually means? Or its at least a version of love that I have felt before and thoughts I’ve had. #7 too, for that matter although I also think those things when I apologize and/or ask forgiveness.
Let`s write a new script! It is only a suggestion!!!!!
1. I love you, Mama. (statement of little HG)
Little HG thinks,……
2. Please leave me alone, HG (statement of Matrinarc)
Little HG thinks,…
3. Why are you doing this to me, Mama?
Little HG thinks,…
4. What would you like to have for dinner, HG?
Little HG thinks,…
5. I think, the blue shirt looks better, HG.
Little HG thinks,…
6. There is something wrong,with you, Mama.
Little HG thinks,…
7. Please don`t leave me, Mama.
Little HG thinks,…
8. It`s over, Mama. It`s over ,HG
HG and Matrinarc think the same. They are one, identical in their
thoughts.
For the ones, who do not like me: It is only my fantasy.
I do not know, if I am right. It is only an interpretation.
But what did I think?
H.G.
If I told my ex mid-range narc that I didn’t love him anymore, what would he really hear?
Criticism so long as you delivered it in a fuel free manner.
Thank you! Appreciate all the information you provide us!!
You are welcome.
Apologies to the moderator. I posted this in another thread by mistake, so I am reposting here. Thank you.
My first question addressed to HG: forgive me if this has been asked before. I am new here. Why would you want to educate others in this manner…it seems almost….compassionate. I am not being sarcastic. Just asking and trying to understand.
First time I am posting. I have been reading everything when I have a chance. After educating myself on narcissistic abuse, I realize there is a deep spiritual component. Some may or may not agree with me. There is also the problem of traits. Many narcopaths are highly intelligent, who enjoy good debates (when it suits them of course) and any kind of topic that may be intriguing. I have always gravitated toward highly intelligent men….not necessary what many women would typically consider highly intelligent. He may be a blue collar worker, but very well versed in literature, philosophy, one-world gov’t conspiracy theories, and all that good stuff. I never considered a wealthy man as necessarily desirable. Some women do.
I actually wanted to post some of my personal info for those women who have been duped. In my case, I was not discarded. I was a necessary part of narc number 2’s life. (there was a number 1 as well, but he was a different type of sociopath–another story) He dropped everything to be with me. Not that he had that much to begin with. But he mirrored me very well. In almost all ways. He even converted to my traditional Latin rite Catholic faith. But there was something very evil about this man, that would take too long to discuss here. There were occurrences. That cannot be explained. In some ways, I believe he was possessed. Not saying that because of my faith. Just due to the evidence.
In short, he was finally arrested after I told him for the second time, I wanted him out of my life. He was chaotic and controlling and would not cease contact. He went berserk when I said NO and was thrown in jail for a short time. He is now doing probation for harassment and has a criminal record for terrorizing me and my family. Sometimes, there is no choice for them but to put the brakes on for a time. Not to say that it is over. He was ordered to stay away, but I will always be vigilant regardless.
Hi Johanna, welcome.
Hoping you find as much wisdom as I have here.
So True, cause I naively thought, “What would you like for dinner?” actually meant ‘so what would you like for dinner and I will make it for you’. And “please leave me alone” really meant please leave me alone not “stay and punish me”. Narc code. In my retrospect, makes sense
First off, I cannot thank you enough for providing insight into the inner workings of the mind of a narcissist.
I first had suspicions that my wife was might be a narcissist last July when I started googling behavior patterns so that I could better understand how to salvage my marriage. Everything pointed toward narcissism.
I was skeptical, maybe I was in denial.
I kept digging.
I researched narcissism. I did more homework, more reading than I’d done in years. I believed myself to be a subject matter expert.
At this point I was convinced my wife was a narcissist. Yet still, I was in denial. I knew I should get out, but every bone in my body wanted to understand what I was dealing with. Surely I could still work things out.
Despite all my research, I still found myself unable to wrap my head around why.
Why me? Why the behavior? Why can’t we just be happy together? How could she be so cold? How could she be so hateful?
I would have jumped in front of a train to save her life.
Then I stumbled across your You Tube videos and blog.
Mind opening awareness ensued.
Again, I cannot thank you enough for your insights. You are an A1 asshole, but for the love of all things holy, something has inspired you to do a greater good. Your words a poiniant, at times they are hurtful, but they are GENUINE! You may despise these words, but you have turned a corner. There is hope for you yet.
Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that, in a sick and twisted way, you have sparked my healing process. Nothing catches me off guard anymore. I no longer feel as though I am playing catchup. That she is 5 steps ahead of my bewilderment.
Instead, I see her actions for what they are. I am now able to predict her next steps. Don’t get me wrong, she throws me curveballs from time to time, but I shake them off… hell, I laugh them off.
I am now a house sell away from getting the hell out of dodge. Her latest Hoover started a week ago. I can tell she senses something is coming. She is trying to muster up one last golden period in an effort to lure me back in. Despite this, she can’t help throwing in her jabs, which just reinforces my need to leave. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for helping me to see it.
Oh, no need to thank me for supplying you with positive fuel. It’s what I do.
But I shall thank you as I am polite. Keep reading, the battle has only just begun.
I’m sure there is more to come, but I am no longer back on my heels. My feet are firmly planted and my full weight has been thrown in retaliation. I may be patient and empathetic but I am as bad ass motha when I need to be.
So very accurate and yet familiar! HG, when narcissist say it’s over? Afterall, when you you disengage it is no longer a formal relationship right?
That is correct.
There is no twisting of words on #7. If you let those words pass your lips that is what they hear because that is precisely what you are saying, and you need not be a Narc to be thinking it. Anyone with an ounce of self-esteem would think the same. Music to an abusers ears to hear someone sign their own death warrant by begging.
Most may not let those words out and their actions speak louder than words. The damage that occurs during devaluation and the gas lighting causes one to lose self and mind. As we as all witness the behaviour post narc.
“Please leave me alone” the times I said/cried and even begged that one! To no avail of course….
Great insight.
Thank you.
You are welcome.