Love Me, Hate Me Never Ignore Me
I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.
Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.
“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”
“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”
“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”
“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”
Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or beggin me to stop, so long as it id directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.
When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone of something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.
Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.
I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full or woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.
Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?
57 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me Never Ignore Me”
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What a amazing hamster wheel.
Unconditionally Love….this post has me all emotional.
And so succinct and easy to understand, HG. It is still wrong, however, as an objective fact.
Wow, so beautiful, Iridessa.
I have a ‘test’ tomorrow. I have someone coming round to quote for a job, and this guy is a friend i’ve known for approximately 15 years. He’s also a ‘best’ friend of the recent ex-narc, they’ve known each other probably 30+ years (in a convoluted way, I met ex narc through this mutual friend). I spoke to the tradesman friend on the phone today, and although I *think* I sensed a little awkwardness, ”it” didn’t come up at all, although it’s bound to come up tomorrow! What to do? I’ve been no contact for about 6 weeks. I want to ‘ignore’ him. I don’t want to say or do anything that can be passed on that will give the narc fuel. Feeling a bit anxious now 🙁
Excellent post. Last week I decided that I was finally done with him. I ignored his attempts to contact me after I told him I was done. The problem is now that I lend him money because he was in financial problems and I want that money back now.
What could I do best? Send him a neutral message and ask for it back? I am pretty sure he will use that now against me, so that I keep asking for it and still have to have contact with him.
Do you have any suggestions what the best thing is to do?
Thank you, and love reading your posts. It is life saving.
Hello Lalaland, is it a substantial some of money i.e. do you need it or is it that you just want it?
It is a substantial some unfortunately and I definitely need it next month, as I have to pay off some important bills..
I’m afraid it will take very long to get it back.. What would be the best approach? Should I even try?
Excellent post. Last week I decided that I was finally done with my N. I ignored his attempts to contact me after I told him I was done. The problem is now that I lend him money because he was in financial problems and I want that money back now.
What could I do best? Send him a neutral message and ask for it back? I am pretty sure he will use that now against me, so that I keep asking for it and still have to have contact with him.
Do you have any suggestions what the best thing is to do?
Thank you, and love reading your posts. It is life saving.
Thank you Lalaland, it depends on whether the sum of money is significant to you or not.
It is!
This post pains me, but not for the reasons most would think.
There came a time in my life, as a survivor of harsh traumas for decades, that I looked in the mirror and saw someone completely different than I used to be. A broken version of myself with an endless amount of onion layers of shielding against others and complete loss of recognition in the face of my own debilitating self torment.
Yes, I didn’t abuse others but instead afflicted myself. I was completely shattered to a point that facing my own shadow was inevitable. The thoughts one has in such a state are tumultuous. There is a beauty in the pain of self realization and actualization; no matter which end of the spectrum.
@iridessa: what shoes?!?!?
Google unconditoonal love?…
Try hybris…
In hindsight maybe, although at the time I wasn’ t arrogant about it as I did not know what I was dealing with untill months later.
But I can’t deny unconditional love bc for me you’re either all in or not at all. And with him I was more then all in.
As long as you have the need to control other people’s emotions there’ll be failure in the relationship sooner or later.
And as long as you find people willing to give you what you want to make you happy you’ll have companionship in failure.
So failure and disaster are the only things you actually experience, in the name of….? it’ll never make sense to me.
Dang girl
Iridessa, you nailed it.
This is one of my favorites! HG, once a source of supply has been disengaged, the narcissist doesn’t care that the former supply is accepting the disengagement and/or staying away right??
Thank you Mel. If we disengage from you we will be focussed on a new primary source and therefore if you accept that you have been dis-engaged from (rare as that acceptance may be) and you are staying away, it matters not to us.
Hello, HG. So if the shelved IPSS accepts disengagement and stops reaching out to the narcissist, is she in effect forgotten about? Does the narcissist ever wonder why she stopped reaching out (contrary to her usual behavior)? Thank you!
Not whilst shelved as he will be busy with other appliances.
Thank you very much for your quick response, HG! By “other appliances” do you mean non-intimate appliances while he is in the golden period with the new IPPS? Why not treat IPSS as a non-intimate appliance instead of shelving?
Because the IPSS is best deployed as the IPSS.
Thank you, HG! I appreciate your quick reply! Ever-efficient narc economy!
Pleasure.
Good evening HG, may I ask….have you ever been discarded and if so did that make you feel like you had ‘lost’ and they had ‘won’?
Is there ever a way for you to feel like you’ve won in this situation even if the discarder goes 100% no contact and therefore you’ve lost all control? Can you somehow twist that reality around to suit your ego?
Thanks in advance.
Hello Karen. No.
Yes. Find a new primary source PDQ, smear the escaping former IPPS and claim I dis-engaged from them.
Thank you HG.
This is precisely what he did of course. My question is though – is a narcassist truly capable of convincing themselves of their own lies? He KNOWS I left him. He KNOWS I went no contact. He KNOWS all this deep down. He KNOWS he lost control. He KNOWS he lost.
By convincing others that it was the other way round is he also able to convince himself in his own head of his lies?
Thanks for your time.
Yes because the narcissistic perspective demands that that is the case.
It is hard for victims to comprehend this because they see the facts from THEIR viewpoint and therefore expect the narcissist to be able to do so as well, but with Lesser and Mid-Range they are wired to automatically see it differently because they have to in order to survive.
They do not need to convince themselves – they are automatically convinced.
Ah. NOW I get it! Thank you so much HG. As ever, the answer was not the one I wanted to hear but I needed the truth and I do believe the truth, eventually, will set me free.
Again, thank you.
You are welcome Karen.
Everyone knows I left my marriage, even the court docs say so. Although he did try to rush and co-file, he didn’t succeed. He could probably fool new people, but not sure about the ones who watched me pack and move out and hire the lawyer. I’m sure he’s probably somehow convinced himself it was his choice though.
Iridessa, I love you, you’re amazing and oh so good to me. Making love to you is absolutely magical and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’ll have to live with my trust issues, the times that I will verbally abuse you and ignore you. There will be times where I disappear. If you can handle this, you are worthy.
And she did.
I also need you to always be available to me and to put your life on hold for me. That you never ask me questions where I may ask plenty. I’ll be mad at you just because I can. Are you up to this?
And she was.
I’ll hurt you more then once and sorry is not a word I master. But that’s because I am more sensitive, you’re feelings matter not to me. I don’t mean to do this, it just happens. Or do I? Can you handle that?
She did and understood.
Flirting with other women will hurt you to the core, but to me it’s just messages nothing more. Or at least that’s what I tell you. I have double standards for you my dear, not always fair but you just have to deal. I’ll test your limits to see where they break. All the whilst begging you to never give up on me.
And she never did.
Everything you do and say will be dismissed when I’m mad. You’re small and insignificant. I’ll make you believe you’re not important to me and destroy you on occasion. But believe me, I want to be with you. You just have to be strong.
And she was.
And while the world sees colour, I only see black and white. Admitting to stuff I’ll hardly ever do, but I do notice how you always adjust yourself to please me and I thank you for that. I’ll ignore it anyway and you mean nothing to me today. Just never blame me or get angry. Do you still think you can stay?
She understood and she stayed.
The things she thought, saw and felt meant nothing. The man without any bounderies always drew the line. But she stayed, because he asked her to, because she loved him. But what does that even mean if he was too blind to see?
Wow Iridessa! Very poignant and profound. Lovely writing, thank you for sharing.
Beautiful and accurate
Iridessa
This is exactly how I thought for most of my life – except for your last line. Never thought of that one until I was in my forties. That last line seems to be what most of us here are trying to work thru. 😕
Iridessa
Because we love .. even when it is not returned..
at the end ( dunno when) the one that stays and love… maybe will open his eyes?
I stayed and loved despite everything. Even after I saw through the mask. Instead of getting mad I let him know I understood. Told him almost daily that he was more then what he showed the world and what others thought him to be. Showed love to every piece of him, in and out, and still it was never enough. Reason has no hold on these people if they’re not aware. I used to teach problem solving teaching skills in schools, I am a writer/journalist as well so good with words and critical thinking. Don’t think he liked that.
It is because the logic of those who are not aware is different to your logic, therefore what you say makes no sense to them.
Thanks HG. Is it just that or is there more? Like with me, I worked in mental hospitals before and with disabeld children, so understanding a condition was what I was trained to do. I also tought problem solving skills in schools, majored in moral studies and after college got another degree in journalism. With all that would it be likely I was a threat to him as well. When not being able to control an argument, he would always say: don’t insult my intelligence. Which was weird bc where I was problem solving and giving solutions, he just replied with utter ignorance and angry words.
Indeed it does seem weird to you Iridessa because you are looking at the situation from your perspective. From his perspective it was necessary to instinctively respond in a way which enables him to asset his superiority over you and maintain it, hence him using angry words and ignorance. This achieves his goal, confuses you and draws fuel.
Excellent post.
They are empty no feelings, and they only see what they choose to see. In their eyes all they see are themselves.
Your response is right on.👊✋
Iridessa, at what point did she have doubts? How did she keep her doubts in control?…drinking? doing drugs? cheating..? Withdrawal from the world feeling a victim?…
Google, unconditional love and understanding became my best friends. No drinking, no drugs, no cheating, etc…
In moments of doubt I put myself in his shoes and the doubts were gone.
That was extremely powerful. Who would actually want a life like this? You do not realise you are in this FOG and you forgive all the time. The ABUSE feels LOVELY, SAFE, SECURE but most of all FAMILIAR. There has never been a feeling like this ABUSE although it’s really LOVE (yeah right) and we accept it. Thankfully for me it was not for long as I somehow knew something was not right and questinned everything even seeing some furious eyes and receiving some abusive language but I stood my ground. I thought I loved him and when I realised I loved his name (yes you read right), loved his name wtf! Now that’s not normal. I even noticed I behaved like him at times. As hard as it was I knew I had to depart and not accept his can we be friends. Honestly who does he think he is? We do want to help them but you can never help if someone does not want to be helped. Also ask yourself IS IT REALLY YOUR CONCERN TO SORT? Instead be brave and look at yourself as that’s where the answers are. Take care.
It was the same for me, I started asking questions early on. But I was also trained to understand conditions of people as I worked with the disabeld and in mental hospitals all those years before. That became a blessing and a curse I guess. I loved him for who he was underneath it all, not the abuse.
Helping someone who doesn’t see an issue with what they do,…I would love to confirm that I will never do it again. But I can’t make any promises.
Iridessa
Keep reading the more you read and engage your confidence will start to build up. The peace and love you will feel again will hopefully keep you guarded. Fix your self before putting energy into someone that’s broken and will only cause you more pain. Good Luck
This is absolutely beautiful and describes exactly what I go through with my – who I thought – love of my life. Did you manage to get out in the end? I try hard to, but I always fall back in his arms, as if it was the only safe place on earth (and actually it is quite the opposite…).
So if we ignore you, you go away? Does it matter the stage of the ‘relationship?’
For example, if it’s in the beginning, we just met and you want my attention but I ignore all attempts, what then? How long do you continue? I’m sure there are those people out there who won’t cave right? If such attention is unwanted, after awhile, it becomes harassment.
Then what about once the relationship is in full swing and instead of reacting, I just walk away or ignore it in whatever way I can given the circumstance? How long do you continue attempting to get the reaction you want (and not get it) til you quit?
I just re-read the end of the post (after writing my comment) and was able to comprehend better the second time. I guess the question just comes down to…how long til you go away after being continually ignored?
Does this also depend on the type of narcissist: Low, mid, high on how long it takes before they give up?
Hello AG, see the earlier answer.
Yes it does matter concerning the stage of the ‘relationship’ and also with regard to factors such as fuel provision from elsewhere.
1. If it is during seduction, unusual as it might be, but if you ignore us, we will move on elsewhere. A Greater will apply more effort than a Lesser or Mid-Ranger.
2. If it is during devaluation, we will apply considerably more pressure to make you crack.
3. If it is post escape, it depends especially on the availability of fuel from elsewhere. Read the book No Contact to understand what happens when you do look to escape and the effort that is applied thereafter. There is an Initial Grand Hoover and if that does not work, there will be a period of respite and then there will be Follow-Up Hoover in accordance with the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria.
Oh my gosh! Wow…thank you so much for this detailed answer. It actually answered some other questions for me as well.
Would a narc get back with you to punish you for ending it before
The primary purpose will be fuel but alongside that you would be punished for your past transgression.