15 Tells of the Narcissist
It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.
“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”
“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”
“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”
If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.
“I did warn you.”
“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”
“I told you so.”
“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”
“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”
Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.
With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.
- I am a bad person really.
- I will only hurt you.
- You should stay away from me.
- I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
- I will make you wish you had never met me.
- It will go wrong, it always does.
- You will end up hating me.
- You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
- You shouldn’t do this.
- You should leave while you can.
- This is going to turn out badly.
- I have to hurt people.
- I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
- I just want to fit in.
- I’m not what you think I am.
32 thoughts on “15 Tells of the Narcissist”
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The concept of the mask slipping from the face is difficult for me to grasp. You’ve written about it many times, and I go over, over and over what you write about that aspect, but it’s still unclear to me.
This isn’t about me having intellectual difficulties, I just can’t understand the point of him sharing his self-awareness. Maybe because honesty is so important to me, and I always feel like we’re reaching, maybe, a milestone of change when he addresses his necrotic issue?
I know there’s a spectrum to this disorder, and I would definitely say he’s on the malignant side based on his insane fury, but there’s something human about him sometimes. It’s as if he’s being held prisoner inside his diseased mind, and he wants out. I don’t know, I’m probably deluding myself.
But with your help, I’m sure one day all will be clear. Thank you, Mr.Tudor.
The one I knew did not like certain characteristics of himself. When I think of them now they did make him look odd as they were facial features. Anyway the best one is his height annoyed him as obviously his appliances were mainly taller than him. The great thing is I will always look down on him and my god does he hate that lol!
Svr
I called a short one Pocket Narc. Feel free to use. Emotion free of course for wounding. Youre welcome.
Why do you love me? (This is after he tells me numerous times that he loves me).
Devaluation stage:
There’s something not right with me.
My mind is messed up.
You’ll never be able to figure me out.
I hate everyone.
Jenna,
Mine used to say “I cannot believe you have 40 reasons why you love me” (after I wrote a very heartfelt note titled the same). He also said that he did not think I was really in love with him. “You do not know me well enough to be in love with me”….
An interesting perspective though from the other quotes you posted. Mine often told me that MY mind was messed up and that he could never figure ME out and something is not right with ME “I never know what I am going to get with you, I either make you high and happy or depressed and insane”…. (based on all of that one could say I started thinking I was the Narcissist!)
He never said he hated everyone though. He said that everyone was great. He’s never met a stranger and is so friendly with everybody.
Was yours a middle or lesser? Everything I have read from HG indicates and seems to match up mine to a middle one.
Gabrielle, my ex is a covert mid-ranger. Some of his statements sound similar to yours, except when he insults you. All narcs seem so similar sometimes!
Jenna,
I read HG’s post about different mid range types and nearly everything he wrote classified mine as an MMRN. How he is such a nice guy, always pleasing everyone and looking like the nice polite guy to all, and pretty much everything else mentioned in that article.
Some of the insults and general mind fuckery I dealt with was as follows:
When I questioned if he was using me….
“How can you question the fact that I love you? I have put up with you, counseled you, given you advice, comforted you, despite your red flags of crazy. If I was using you I would never have stuck around as long as I have…”
“You are too emotionally dependent on me, you are obsessed with me and the idea of “us”….”
“You’re over-reacting, overthinking, driven mad by your own mind…”
“I make you anxious. The way I came into your life. You may have had an anxiety problem before but I made it worse….”
“I either make you happy or I make you insane and I never know what I am going to get. You exhaust me”
“I could never have married you, not with you being like this. I never would have been able to tolerate that darling” (he often used words like baby, honey, darling, etc. even when delivering the mind fuckery)
Was yours a sex addict too? I know story swapping seems ridiculous to reminisce about now but for some reason I find comfort in comparison in knowing I am not alone in what I have dealt with.
Gabrielle, i’m sorry you had to go through that. ‘Story swapping’ is not ridiculous at all. Sharing helps us to learn and heal. My ex is religious, so he doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex. However, we had sex. And the irony is that for about 1.5 yrs, when we were no longer ‘together’, he did become a sex addict. He no longer is though, as he’s mended his ways. I signed up under a fake profile for a few casual sex websites i found out he was on, and he shows no activity. Even after i msged him under my fake profile, he didn’t respond. He is back to his religious self lol.
There was no warning.
One that was often said to me ” I hurt you because I love you so much, that it hurts me.”
Also, I answered my own question because clearly he tried to keep up the charade with me because I’m having his child & I was a great supply source for several years he made that quite clear! Told me no matter who he Fucks, what he does, where he goes, he’s never met a woman like me.. in other words no other woman would put up with half of what I did! A straight up punching bag and door mat! Hey! I’ll take it! I liked the game! Like I said, it turned me on! I’ll be the first to admit he was allowed to treat me any kind of way he wanted! I let him walk all over me and back again and then some! Damn fool even tattooed my name on his chest! Not like it made a difference and he only did it for show plus it makes the other bitches crazy! Hahaha
Macy
Way to go. Bring a child into the world to witness its mother as a punching bag and doormat cause it turns her on. It has no choice but to be a hostage. That will show everyone. Yup, you’re the shit alright.
Lmfao!! Mine said straight up! “Daddy’s a cold hearted mutha fucka!” Don’t need to to tell me twice! It was fun while it lasted I can’t lie! Sometimes the cheating even turned me on in a sick way!
I also noticed my last comment was ignored which I really don’t care if you thought you were hurting my feelings by thinking I needed your answers that bad you thought wrong! Am I feeding you fuel right now by this “angry” response? Glad I could be of assistance! Lmao!
Cheers!
A narcissist once told me “I’m a beast”. He didn’t say it ironically. He really meant it.
“Some say I’m a sociopath” Not sure how I missed this red flag but I did🙄
My friends narc line was “I will take you to hell and. back”
The first day I me my narc ex he said “I’m just really nasty”
On point, as always, HG.
Here are a few more examples:
The only way for you to be happy is to get me out of your life.
Your unhappiness is because of me.
I’m ruining your life.
You don’t know me.
Nobody loves me.
Khaleesi,
Mine said my unhappiness was because of him as well. And he was ruining my life. Also, “You cannot be in love with me, you do not know me well enough”…
“I cannot be this important to you”
“I cannot believe I came into your life in the way I did” (ummm YOU chased ME)
“I either make you happy or insane and I never know what I am going to get”
In the beginning, I always told him he had a way of getting into my head, knowing exactly how I felt or what I was thinking and going to say next, we’d finish each others sentences, etc. How intense and amazing all that was for me. And he often stated he felt the same way as well and could not believe it.
Later on though when I mentioned it or reminded him of it he would say “that does not mean anything”….he’d dismiss it, shrug it off. One time when I said he had a way of being in my mind, my thoughts. etc. he said “Yeah. I hear that a lot from people, I guess I just have a way with that”. I guess now that makes sense as that is how they operate with everyone. They get into their head and they stay there forever.
Holy Shit. #1, #7, #9, #10 and most often #15.
Some other things I frequently heard were:
“I cannot mean this much to you.”
“I do not deserve my wife” (he was, still is, married).
“You are too good to me, I do not deserve YOU” (said to me)
A final question if you do not mind: The one I was with….he “claimed” he had remorse and guilt for all the times he cheated on his wife. With me and the others before me. He occasionally told me early on how horrible he was, how he was a scumbag and so on. And I replied with “you are not a scumbag” and he then said “okay I am a RECOVERING scumbag but still a scumbag”. Was this said intentionally to get me to soothe him? And for me to say “oh no you’re not” (because that is exactly what I did). Was this an example of the “mask” analogy? Everything I have read of yours classifies him as an MMRN. And I believe you said they do not know what they are. I hope my question makes sense. Thank you, HG.
Correct it is all for the purposes of drawing fuel from you by way of soothing sympathy.
“If you knew some of the things I have done, you would leave me.”
“I am not good for you.”
And the most telling statement of all: “I have a black heart.”
Probably the only three times he told me the truth.
Here’s another comment to add to the list, “I’m a selfish man” or “I’m a selfish person”. Both of these declarative statements will be felt as self-incriminating rather than truth-telling by the listener.
Bugs,
Mine used to say stuff like that all the time. He always put himself down which was why when I came upon this site and read “narcissist? but I thought they had huge egos and thought so highly of themselves?” Mine used terms like scumbag, douche canoe, and so on. Why do they do this? Is it because they want us to nurse their wounds and say “no you’re not, you’re a good person”. He often said to me, “YOU are a good person, Gabrielle. You are the BEST person, I am not like you, I am a bad person”. Me: “No you’re not….” and so on. Of course later on I was crazy, selfish, mentally unhinged, emotionally dependent, obsessive…..
Ah my head hurts. What I meant to say was, I can relate to your comments.
Thank you. This is very much appreciated. I’m looking for the red flags, to avoid getting traumatized again, I don’t want to go through this again.
Dear H.G.
Is there not a surrogate method from which your fuel can be attained, in order for you to be able to preclude hurting us?
I recognize your superior intellect. How is it you dot not recognize that your devaluing etc is of your own personal choice?
I learned from you that you realize that you don’t feel any remorse from sexual promiscuity, as they say. Like a pilot in an airplane after dark with no horizon, can you not simply learn to, ‘fly by the controls,’ so-to-speak?
X0
Pam
On Apr 7, 2017 5:59 PM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:
HG Tudor posted: ” It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donnin”
Hello Pam, I do not think a surrogacy arrangement is an option. There may be a way of reducing the reaction to seek negative fuel by looking to cause a more positive outcome but of course that would only apply to those of us who know what we are and that is the rare minority.
HG, you’ve explained that a mid-ranger does not know what he is, and that when they apply all the mind-fuckery they will deflect, deny, blame shift etc….. I’ve been wondering about when they do that, are they really unaware of what they are doing? Do they *really* believe the bullshit that they come out with? Even if i trotted out a specific incident (in a flat tone), followed up with a ”anybody would think that was a dick move, you must see that’s a dick move?” he’d do all the twists and turns.
As a middle-mid his Mr Wonderful facade is everything to him and I think to lose face to other people would cause considerable damage to his construct. He’d do/say anything to not let that happen. I think for that reason only, once or twice he had to slightly concede that he’d not behaved well, but I still wonder if he genuinely is unaware that his treatment was bad, or if actually he *does* know it’s considered wrong to act like that but will deny it anyway to self-protect.
My mid-ranger goes back and forth between knowing something is fundamentally wrong with him to not apologizing for who he is and I better take it or leave it. His self-awareness could also just be a farce to keep me from leaving because that’s the only time he will admit to it. Ultimately, I think he knows what he’s doing.
Is the slipping of the mask manifest itself in the lack of affect in your voice ?
X0
Pam
On Apr 7, 2017 5:59 PM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:
> HG Tudor posted: ” It is well known that our kind operate by the > wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do > not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to > respond in a particular way. We know that by donnin” >
Do you mean me or our kind as a whole?
I know I didn’t ask the question but I’m also very curious about the answer. Mine used to speak to me with a total indifferent tone of voice at times. It was like I was talking to someone else, someone that I didn’t recognize. His voice would always raise and lower several octaves. That’s the best way I can explain it it’s really weird but it was a question that was on my mind as well hence my chiming in. Thank you for your response.
When the mask slips there is more likely to be a flat effect because when the mask is in place there is a different persona using mimicry and character traits which will of course involve mimicry in terms of tone and expression etc.