Why Has He Gone Back?
Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.
“He is just plain evil.”
“She is utterly batshit crazy.”
“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”
“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”
A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.
It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.
Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.
We went back.
You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.
In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.
You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –
“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –
“You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”
“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”
“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”
“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”
Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.
“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she felt for it and that fuel is better than yours.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”
If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.
33 thoughts on “Why Has He Gone Back?”
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Wow it’s really insane if you think about it, how accurate and how detailed your article is Mr HG, it’s also makes, the lies the cheating, the conin, the remarkable and the unremarkable so much more clearer and believable as in a sense that this horrible chapter of life did and is happening but most of all the pain is real as well. Everything he said about her was a lie I haven’t officially proven any of it and would never do such a thing. She does have a great career, but Is not a very attractive woman at all, but she is still 4 years younger. I have been told all my life how beautiful I am, and it has always made life so much easier when you learn to use it to your advantage! Not this time!!!
Also, very well said, 12345 and NA! 🙂
I am the primary. Is it narcissistic of me to laugh/gloat each time he discards a secondary and returns? These others should know better than to engage with a married man. Right?
Not so much narcissistic…mostly sad. Not sure why you would gloat or laugh about being treated like shit for much longer than any of the secondaries. I would think the secondaries could laugh or gloat about you continually taking him back. Either position would be mean don’t you think Cordelia?
Read HG’s books while your husband is with his current secondary. You’ll quickly learn that even though you’re a primary you are only an “appliance” just like a secondary. Your post suggests you might think primaries receive “real” love because he returns to you. They do not. He continually returns to the very same secondaries.
Well put 12345.
12345
I neednt have posted had I seen your post first. You said it perfectly. Loved your suggestion to read the books while he is with me as that gives her lots of reading time.
Cordelia
Laughing or gloating about being the most abused is laughable in itself. Having been a secondary and dirty little secret, i can tell you that not all of us want your position. I can play with your toy whenever I like and leave all the mind fuckery for you enjoy, and when I am not pitying you for degrading yourself by claiming your “prize” back each time I am done with him, I am laughing, and heartily.
Don’t forget Cordelia, Primaries receive the worst and longest of the devaluation process, whereas the secondaries receive the longest of the Golden Period. Either way, it’s no laughing or gloating matter for any of us.
WOW! This tripped me up today! My NX and I were involved for many years. In the beginning, he told me he was married, but his wife was only a roommate, as they were only together for their kids and they slept apart. Now, in looking back, there are things he said and did that make me believe he was lying, like washing himself after sex. I am physically ill. These MFers LIE!!!!!!!
I skimmed it and you know, I also had a similar exerience but on the other side of this fence. I went to a number of people for help. Not being aware of what narc abuse fully is, they understood it from their limited understanding and the surface observations. But at one point, after my anger at how evil he was to do what he did to me, I also realized, wouldn’t I sound like the same thing to continue to try to relate to him IF I thought he is so evil? I realized, at some point, I would look like the little girl who cried wolf. Even though my ‘reasons’ for returning were different than what you describe, in the end, aren’t thy kind of the same? Why would I keep going back to trying to have a relationship with someone who was willfully and deliberatly hurting me? At some point, who would believe me, either?
Isn’t that the other sick side to this awful dynamic HG?
It is a facet of it Sarabella, yes.
Thank you in advance
Hi again HG. I haven’t written in awhile because to be honest what you wright is so helpful. Everything he throws at my way I am able to understand, counter block and dodge. My life is so much happier and more fullfilled now. Almost everything he does and says I have an explanation for except one. Before he wouldn’t see his daughter unless I was with her. I started too refuse to go with her awhile back because everytime I did it was worse. Now he wont take her to school on his days. He tries to manipulate me to have her all the time. He wont let her out of his sight. Tries to tell her how horable I am to turn her against me. ( that doesnt work, I wont say a bad thing about him to her, and she just tells me that dad lies.) how do I make him stop? She hates going over there but fills bad cause dad “is sick and she needs to take care of him” he’s also threatening to try for full custody. He doesnt work but cons to make his money but has a rich dad who’s also a narcissist. I’m so confused about all of this. Any insight or suggestions. My daughter is beautiful and sweet, kind. I cant loose her to him.
Hello Elizabeth I am pleased my work has been helping you. A subject such as this involving tackling one of our kind whilst co-parenting is a detailed subject and is best addressed through a private consultation.
Word for word, my story.
Dear H.G.,
I think I just had an epiphany.
1. Because your kinds’ only need is fuel, your “Love Bombing” consists of a sustained attack of intense flattery, gifts, dinners, incessant texts, and phone calls. Everything the idealistic Empath has always dreamed about in a lover. You are too good to be true.
3. As your love bombing is not guaranteed to succeed, you’re always involved invading many fronts simultaneously, whilst your logistics personnel loyally keep you supplied with fuel.
3. Can’t a potential target accurately stake a huge red flag when they realize you are uncomfortably rushing at them, instead of reasonably getting to know you slowly?
4. That is my epic epiphany: if someone bombards a person with attention, doesn’t the person wonder, “Where’s the fire? What’s the rush?” Wouldn’t the Narcissist uncloak himself right from the beginning?
5. Speaking from sad experience, the targets are probably so overwhelmed by your attentions, due to their own insecurities, that they are too stunned to realize if it seems too good to be true, it probably isn’t.
6. I am very grateful because I have a fantastic teacher in real time. He has so much patience. He has been helping me learn about this topic and others. He keeps hangin in there anyway, even when I almost go over the cliff of self-sabotage. I am learning faster and better than I have from anyone else in my life. This stuff is difficult. It ricochets around my brain like a pinball. God sent him. He’s my doctor.
Thanks, H.G. Reading your column helps.
Pam B
On Apr 9, 2017 6:02 PM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:
> HG Tudor posted: ” Think back to that glorious time when you were > courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and > excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance > that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the dev” >
You are welcome.
“If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” Words to live by.
In my case, I am at the point I hope he does go back. It has been a horror show for years and yet I feel trapped and stuck and no matter how many times we hit that “point of no return” .. he returns.. and life goes on as if nothing has happened. It is roughly every 2 weeks now… the last 2 years the worst… why won’t he go?
Because you will be providing him with the Prime Aims, Lynn.
Thank you HG. I believe him to be a lesser.. simply not intelligent enough to consciously do what he does. I believe now that it is a mental illness – an intrinsic misfiring of brain waves that can be found in others. That said – I wonder if there is any real treatment, especially for someone who simply isn’t capable of self awareness or willing to be self aware.. my guess is no. My guess is that nothing will ever change. His other issues with addiction are most likely a part of this also and there is little or no hope for sobriety. I have been reading your articles and becoming more convinced that this combination illness is terminal. Terminal for both of us if I stay much longer I fear.
Correct.
Wow. Once again you are in my head explaining stuff that definitely hits home for me and applies to current questions swirling in my head.
I still hear his haunting words about his wife and child. “I am not leaving them for you. I will never leave. I will die before I leave”. And yet he ignores me like I am nothing. How can he triangulate with me if he ignores me? He has always hoovered me but the last time we spoke he told me that he feels that we cannot communicate anymore. He initiated the no contact idea and because I am still in love with him I told him I would leave him alone. I have been upset and heartbroken that it is over but it still does not feel over. It is maddening and sickening to me that I hope for a hoover. Can anyone else relate to this? I know it is messed up yet I still long for it. Like a drug addict would.
Also, why can’t I shake the jealous feeling I have towards his wife? I am still jealous that he belongs to her. But she really belongs to him right?The illusions just won’t leave me alone here. He does a very good job portraying the perfect family life.
It is because you fear she will receive the perfect life through the illusion that he has shown you and this time you fear it will not be an illusion but it will be real, hence your jealousy towards her. If you need to feel anything towards her it is pity and sympathy. You remain affected by his emotional infection. Read Exorcism to see how to deal with this.
Thank you for your reply HG. This is something I struggle with the most. I will now be ordering this book.
HG
Perfect Answer.
(Obviously)
Incisive and also comforting.
This shows your complete understanding of us.
And you must also know how we want to completely understand you too.. and the narcissistic mindset
for all our sakes on this journey.. for the good we can bring about by doing so, wherever that takes us in life going forward.
Thank you for teaching us so much and for the support you give us.
For the consultations you do.
For encouraging us to keep going.. forging forward with our no contacts and for being our ally with your honesty on the blog and in your interviews and books.
Thank you Debbie and you are welcome.
She is his wife duh. He married her. He picks her over you. Are you so unworthy of a relationship that you have to have someone so mentally unstable. Get your own man and leave it up to her to release him then you can have her leftovers. Have you not heard anything that HG says. He is using you. She probably doesn’t even truly know about you. He lies. He cheats. Why do you want that?
Yeah I know. I’m told that constantly. I feel like a f**king drug addict. 🙁
It is an addiction Gabrielle you’re absolutely right. I, like many others, no longer need my fix and find the fact that I ever did baffling at the least. You will also get through this and come out of it more self aware and selfloving. Stay strong x
Chilling. I feel trapped by the relationship I am currently in, afraid to be smeared/damaged/fired. It is making me sick.
That’s where narcissists go wrong with me. Less than 1% of those so sure they can have me. Of that less than 1%, 100% think they can lose me and get me back. They can’t.