Here He Comes Again
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Words reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
34 thoughts on “Here He Comes Again”
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Left mine in December 2016 after finding he was cheating, fits narcissist traits ie love bombing, projection, triangulation etc been no contact since leaving, he sent wht app message in January not even a message really 2 emojis, remembered last week I had actually blocked him from tex and phonecalls,he doesn’t know exactly where I am staying but will submise it is with relative, getting keys to own place soon, can I relax now and feel safe that he isn’t going to contact me
I can imagine the feeling of power and superiority this must give you. Mine tried that, too. Unsuccessfully. Knowledge and rage keep me strong.
I had been doing so well at no contact. But then he got persistent with the hoovering. Messages and sending photos of himself, lucky me. And I caved. He had broken up with the IPPS, only to of course get back together with her. And last night after a few glasses of wine, I went off on him through messaging. So mad at myself, because I gave him so much fuel. HG, will he leave me alone now for awhile??
Hello Redridersite, if he is back with the IPPS then there will be a golden period and he is likely to leave you alone for the duration of that golden period, unless of course you ‘get in his face’ and if so you can expect to be devalued through malign hoovers.
I left and have been ‘no contact’ for around 7-8 weeks. I recently bumped into someone I would think is an (accidental) lieutenant of his. Among the pleasantries and platitudes was this…..
them-
have you heard anything?
me-
about what?
them-
have you heard from *narc-name*
me-
who?? …. (barely pause for breath, no flicker of emotion) ooh, d’ya know who I saw other day…. remember *so-and-so* who was always….. (etc etc, ending with a ‘anyway great to see you, see you around’ type of thing)
HG, I would hope that if this was relayed to him, he would feel both criticised and irritated! What do you think?
Yes it would have been relayed to him and yes it would have irritated him, well played.
What if he understands just how stubborn you can be? Does this change things?
It is a factor that goes into the Hoover Execution Criteria with others.
Would have to be worth “it” to continue? I would think that is a lot of energy to use on someone that is being stubborn for some fuel
But if that person is known for providing excellent fuel, is easy to contact, the narcissist is a Greater, he is well-fuelled, there are no obstacles, then these all lower the hoover bar and the fact of being stubborn may raise it, but that is outweighed by the other lowering factors. You have to look at it in context you see.
Well then I am glad I can speak with you when needed.
I was trying to convince myself he would give up.
Thank you
These were the most frequent type of hoovers from him. I didn’t really think of them that way, to me it always felt like an anti hoover.
He’d do this by tagging himself on FB in nearby places, or driving by the coffee house, or my loft. I rarely responded to it, maybe in the beginning when I didn’t know who he was, and never since I know, but each time he’d do it, I felt a pang of pain thinking how in the past I’d just fly on my wings just to see him for a moment. And now this insurmountable barrier, of this strange thing called narcissism.
Since I started to read you HG, it all makes sense, every little thing is explained, and I can finally move on. I still feel guilty leaving him behind, I still miss him, and despite everything I will always love him as deep as before “it”.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now..
A possibly fabricated hospitalization and sickness was the Hoover used for me. I asked to see the papers from him being in the hospital but he never did show them. I had discarded him a few months earlier after his absolute hellish Behavior that can only be described as demonic. If you had seen what I had seen in his presence you would say the same. He was not a human being. Truly.
So then, what happens or what is your reaction if we shrug it off and don’t press to find out what you’re up to? Does it leave you befuddled? Do you still Hoover after a week or two in the hopes our guard may still be down? Does it ignite your fury if met with indifference?
It is a factor which impacts on the Hoover execution criteria by raising the bar.
I understand. I’m asking though what would be your initial reaction to being met with silence if you were expecting to lure the victim out of hiding?
Possible irritation dependent on fuel levels.
your colossal arrogance and egocentric assumptions are exactly the fuel I need to keep you away.
ty hg.
This has been going on for months without me (IPSS) braking no contact. What will the mid-ranger do if the chanel that he is currently using for this purpose will not be available any longer? Will he use something else? Will he make direct contact? When will he give up?
The removal of the channel will raise the Hoover bar. Whether a Hoover continues depends on all relevant factors in the Hoover execution criteria; the changed channel is but one factor.
They really think you are stupid. After my hoover I sent part of HG’s blog about the silent treatment. I haven’t heard from him since. I hope that he never makes contact ever again. Good riddance. This makes me so mad I still want to hurt him, thank God my books arrived, Fuel, Sitting Target, Exorcism, and Revenge. Sometimes they help, sometimes they make things worse. I cry and get angry that I can’t get revenge.
Sorry I clicked “post comment” too soon. I had another question regarding this sentence:
“Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel.”
Specifically about not recognizing the number. A month ago I had a moment of weakness where I called him. He answered the phone and when the topic of where he had been came up I heard a sob story of how his phone broke and he lost his phone numbers. This is a lie right? Do you guys really delete numbers or give the “I lost all my phone numbers” excuse or is this all just part of the game?
It is a lie.
If a narc still follows you on social media and is randomly “liking” your pics out of nowhere, after weeks of silence, is that considered a “hoover”?
Yes.
I have thought about it many times: does hoovering happen with all the women that cross your path? Are there any types or cases of women that, eventually, really stop interesting you? Even if the criteria for hoovering are met?
If the criteria is made out, the hoover will happen.
Thank you for your answer. I asked bc I sometimes hope that there are differences in your mind. About the women, I mean. Otherwise, appart from the quality of fuel, it is as if they are all absolutely the same for you. Which is probably the case 🙂
OMG ^2
wow. So true !
What if the victim resist the temptation and do nothing, I mean not contact him at all?
Is he going to give up?
That raises the Hoover bar but is just one factor amongst many in the Hoover execution criteria.
I guess it makes sense but what is the point of that? To get me to reach out to him or something? I haven’t. He never calls or texts. It was always me who reached out first. Every time. I’m not the narc but I seems that I did most of the hoovering. He has over 1,000 people on his social media. Why Hoover me with a picture like?
It is dipping a toe in the water.
OMHG!
You Rat Bastard! Sneaking up on us eh? I’d so trip and fall into that trap. My vanity would get the best of me and I’d be like, “Wait. What? You are pretending I don’t exist? How could this be?” In fact, I think I will start chewing my own foot off now as I just realized I’ve fallen victim to this by email no less. Damn you are good.