Mother Knows Best
“I love you.”
“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”
“You won’t ever amount to anything.”
“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”
“I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”
“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”
“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”
“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”
“I am trying to help you,you know?”
“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”
“I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”
“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
“You were an accident.”
“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”
“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You aren’t doing what I want.”
“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”
“We never thought you would leave home.”
“You were not meant to move out of my control.”
“We hardly ever see you these days.”
“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”
“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
73 thoughts on “Mother Knows Best”
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Hello HG, Your mother is human too, and perhaps had narcissistic parents herself. Since you took her narcissistic traits, do you relate to her at all, and understand why she was that way? You seem to just blame her, and I wondered why didn’t you run to your father for comforting when you got hurt instead of her. If you forgive her, it might help you to develop real empathy, but you’ve said you don’t want to stop being a narcissist. Neither does your mom. Does that make you relate and understand her then, or just mad she made you that way- even though you’re happy being what you are? And don’t you do the same evil things she did?
1. I understand in broad terms why she is as she is, but I do not know the specifics.
2. There was no point going to my father, he decreed that I could look out for myself and he turned to my brother and sister to protect them instead.
3. Why on earth would I forgive her? Even if I did, I would not mean it and forgiveness would not develop emotional empathy – you cannot inject emotional empathy into us.
4. I do not abuse children. She did.
That happens to be something I do appreciate very much about you, HG, is knowing what you’re capable of at all times, you keep a line to not cross with children. Not because of any kind of empathy towards them. You seem to not want them included in getting fuel or power fixes. And ultimately that protects them, and you.
They just get in the way.
That’s fine. Still keeps them off of your shit list.
My mother, I know now, was narcissistic. I overlooked a lot growing up, and thought she was kind of nuts sometimes. But the way it damaged me, was that it held me back from my dreams and real success in the things I was interested in – a mental block that stops me – because her comments were like commands to me. If she said something negative about an aspiration, then it became a line I couldn’t cross. My brother clearly was a cerebral narc, 7 years older, he was always good to me. It’s hard to grasp an understanding of it as so much of it contradicts itself. Narcissists seem to actually have an angel on one shoulder & a demon on the other.
It’s a great thing you’re doing. I cannot say it enough, Thank you.
I have heard a couple of these from my siblings, in particular: “It was just a joke.” A sure way to minimize someone’s experience ater saying something so cutting. Other statements like, “You’re too sensitive,” “You worry too much” or “Grow a thicker skin would usually follow behind the original comment”.
Wow, some of these were just downright eerily accurate.
Well I hope it is pleasure and not a business trip
Very much business Twilight.
Juggling business and blog, do throw some fun into the mix
Firstly, thank you for all the reading material and truths I think I needed to understand on a deeper level and absorb lately, HG. I read a lot here everyday. I have an outside the box question. A bit of a weird one.
Do you think it’s possible that if more material on narcissists and relationship dynamics with co-dependents is taught in various academia, would it be possible a larger understanding through perspective/emotional intelligence could grant a chance for healthy interaction for both types in everyday situations or relationships? Or is that just wishful thinking? Thanks for the eye opening articles, even if some are downright painful at times.
I think that if there is a greater dissemination of knowledge on this topic certain dynamics might be managed in a more effective fashion.
Thank you for the reply HG. Perhaps you could elaborate on what you mean by “certain dynamics”? Thank you for answering my outside the box question.
HG,
I hope you have “traveling fuel”.
Do you prefer flying with someone to guarantee you can draw fuel from that colleague?
Not necessarily, there are always other people available to draw fuel from so even if a secondary or primary source is not in attendance, all is not lost.
Good. But if your gauge needle gets too close to the red, send us a massive shout! We’ll all rally on line, open the tap and send gigabytes of fuel your way. ☺
I am obliged.
Ok, I am in a silly mood. I envisioned malls selling “fuel” for that special narcissist in your life.
Hm.. 3.18 am UK time… has Kim’s devaluation started already and you prefer working in your study to her nude company?
(Killing two birds… blogging while devaluing…maximum use of your resources!)
I’m not in the UK.
Do you live In the U.K. HG?
I am based in the UK yes.
Interesting choice of answer, based. So then you actually live elsewhere, but are currently in U.K.for work or otherwise? Have you ever lived in the States?
I have spent quite a bit of time in the US but I would not say that I have lived there.
Do you have a residence in the States or do you mean you travel there on business frequently? Have you had any IPPS or IPSS from the States? Which country have the bulk of your appliances been from ?
I find you immensely intriguing HG.
No I do not have a formal residence in the states.
I have had IPSSs from the United States and one IPPS.
The United Kingdom.
Where were you living at the time when you had IPPS and IPSS from the States? Were they online supplies only? Or real life and intimate sources?
The UK. No they were real life, not online.
HG are you living in the UK or not?
Or it is a private information?
I would understand if you cannot say.
I am based in the UK as I explained. That means I live here some of the time.
HG, do you think your mother reads your blog? Were you ever jealous of her relationship with your siblings?
No and no.
Looking at the family dynamics for creating narcissists and codependents…did you have a special relationship with your sister…as a child. Different from your brother?
She was more in awe of me than he was.
Did that make you feel powerful or special? How is your relationship as adults now?
Powerful. Little has altered.
HG. How many years ago did your father pass away? In the last ten years as an adult or when you were a child or teenager? Is your mother remarried or currently dating? What are your thoughts on that? Lastly, have you ever loved anyone… in the way that wasn’t for fuel?
Over two years ago.
No she has not re-married. She has a “gentleman friend”. It is not a surprise, she wants him for the fuel and for the maintenance of the facade and much as it irritates me to admit it, she made a decent choice in that respect.
I recall reading what you wrote about your fathers funeral. Over two years , but less then ten? So you were an adult when he died? Did I also read you are writing a book about your father as a further mechanism to destroy your mother?
That is correct. I was an adult.
Regarding the book about your father, are still writing such?
Yes.
HG, have you ever used any individuals real names on this blog. Such as family members, past girlfriend, work mates and so forth? Or are all names made up? I haven’t read any name for your mum, other then matrinarc or your half brother. Just your dad( Martin) sister(Rachael) and brother(Lennox).
Some are real, some are not.
Are the real names more associated with NISS? Not family or IPPS. Those who have potential to read this blog?
Varies.
I will curb my curiousity now.
You don’t have to.
Well, I wanted to know which ones, but I know you may not be able to say so.
Saying “I don’t love you” to their child is beyond cruel, whether it comes from a mother or father. I knew someone whose mother told them she was sorry they were ever born. Same type of deep wounding.
I don’t know if you want to answer this, but I’m puzzled by something that doesn’t seem to make sense to me. I understand that narcs have an aversion to psychological treatment, yet your mother seems to have been behind the treatments you are currently undertaking. I assumed narcs would not only avoid treatment for themselves, but would also discourage it for family members to 1. keep the abuse private and 2. prevent them from healing and disengaging. HG, any clarity you can provide would be much appreciated.
Happy Unbirthday, HG!
Yes, Gulia, they grow them. They also “create” codependent children and children who are too emphatic.Children who have as adults a “blind” eye upon abuse. It does not matter, if it is the abuse of their own or of their children by a narcissistic parent. Emphatic mothers or fathers who do not leave a narcissistic husband or wife as early as possible are in my eyes as guilty as the narcissistic part of the couple. They show and teach their own children abuse and how to suffer, they allow abuse. They are blind too. They “love” their partners too much or actually are too weak. They protect the narcissistic partner too long instead of their children. I do not talk about mothers and fathers who really struggle with their ex, try to protect their children, teach them to be honest, self-confident and strong. I only talk about mothers and fathers who always apologise bad behaviour of their partner. “He/she does not mean it like that.” ” He/she had a hard work day.” “He/she is a little bit rude.” And so on. Things like that happen in each relationship, it is unhealthy if it happens too often. It depends on the amount of excuses. It is not important to say, he/she had a bad childhood and excuse it, it is important to give your own child a chance to grow up in a healthy environment. That is the role and responsibility of someone who is a parent.
Yes….
we carry so much guilt. ours theirs yours…
Mona
Agreed.
Narcissistic parents grow narcissistic sons and daughters.
Is there a garden or a greenhouse for this do you think Giulia?
Ah ah …there must be, given the amount of production out there! The truth is read a study, some time ago. I was shocked because it meant I was just like my father and mother.
And my psycologist’s words turned out to have some ground.
One day, at the beginning of the therapy she told me I was a narcissist. I looked at her and smiled, like I didn’t understand, ” excuse me, who is a narcissist?” I asked her, and she said “you”.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t care. I just thought she was flat out wrong and I knew she was going to drop this narcissist thing very soon.
I had other problems to talk about. I didn’t know what npd was, she didn’t explain it to me and we never talked about it again.
Once at home I was curious about what she said so I looked into it…And I understood what my father was, my mother, my sister and my brother….and me….yes….I was part of it. I had learned to be entitled to everything I felt it belonged to me, I had no boundaries and I couldn’t stand boudaries in others. But I was empathic, too much, and codipendent. So I started working on what I felt was truly, deeply the biggest part of me, the empathy, and I began to unlearn my parents behaviour.
I deconstructed and reconstructed myself.
Sometimes I still break into people’s boundaries, because it feels good to me and it fascinates. It seems like that’s what they want, they like me doing it…but it gets me into trouble…everytime, and I don’t like that. I don’t have the cold blood a narcissist has. I can seduce but then I feel embarassed by it, I feel sorry for them…because most of the times I don’t care. I can’t have a rewarding relationship…..I’ve been married and divorced. I am not a narcissist, I hate narcissists, I grew up in a narcissistic environment and I learned how to be a bitch without knowing it or wanting it or having any kind of advantage by being one. And I felt most of my life like I couldn’t be myself.
HG, you always told that your mother felt superior to others. Where did that belief come from? Did she herself anything to be so overly proud of herself? Did she achieve anything in her life besides producing children with your father? (Sorry, that I wrote “producing”) You always mention the family motto. Did she work? Did she pass any exams like you did? Or does she believe, that your family is superior, because she is a daughter of a successive or well-known family? I see so many demands of her, but you did not tell about any successes of her. Only demands, demands, demands…( Please do not answer, but think about it) .
I had most of these from mine. Scary, there really ARE some awesome moms out there in the world.
It is the hidden and denied hate of mothers towards their children. They make their own children responsible for their own failures. Women who hate their daughters (not only control them) and deny it. Women who are jealous and envious to all that their female and male children achieve. Women who hate their male children because they are remembered of their husbands, whom they do not love. Women who believe all others are there to parent them, hug them, love them without any real love of themselves given back to the ones around them. Mothers who are needy children….Narcissistic mothers…..
Mothers who divorced and were so distraught over their ex husband they turned their son into a sonhusband golden child.
“No more wire hangers!”
Watching Mommie Dearest with Faye Dunaway now, coincidentally.
Those damn MatriNarcs!
I love these clear examples and what they are really saying behind it!
I got, ” I hope you get married and have a child exactly like you.” Any translation on that one, HG? All I can think of is, “You’re too difficult to break which means you’re stronger than me and that really pisses me off.”
You’re a pain in the arse to deal with so I hope you have a pain in the arse child so you know what it’s like having to deal with you.
I used to fire back, ‘Don’t worry, I’m not getting married!” And I never did, thanks to her and the damage she wreaked. These mothers ought not be put in charge of little, vulnerable souls like us. Thanks for your response, HG. Your work is holding lots of us together.
This one breaks my heart every time you post it HG! I am sorry for all the cruelty you had to face as a child from the one person who should of been there to love and support you unconditionally! 😪💔xxx
I relate to these on a personal level. I was surrounded by these statements and behaviors as a child and as an adult.
Tammy, good ‘ol “Mommy Dearest” cunt-a-saurus Rec, I’m sorry mama, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I’m cleaning out my closet” go on and sell your kids soul for an 8-ball of dope, bitter hag. Bitter me. You will die alone.
i occasionally and accidentally drop the phone or put the call on hold while she’s talktalktalking about her wonnnnnderful life. i am always surprised when i pick it back up to find her still obliviously rambling on.
HG, out of all the pieces you have written this is the one that is 100% applicable to me. She is and has always been my chief abuser and she ushered in every abusive father I had and let them stay. Her daughters were placed on an alter in order to maintain status and wealth. She hates us and always has.