The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 2
A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.
‘Let him go but tell him you will always be there for him.’
I have seen this advice given when an individual has been entangled with our kind. The victim has endured the push and pull behaviour of being told that they are not good enough for us as they suffer the devaluation. They cling on and then a Respite Period occurs. Thus they think that their indefatigable approach has caused the return of the golden period. Ultimately, its return is down to us and our decision and not about what you have done. It might be that an external source, such as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source has infuriated us and therefore they have been devalued and therefore to create the contrast, we have given you the golden period again through the imposition of a Golden Period. You might have done something especially impressive through the provision of positive fuel to cause it to return as you have outfuelled your (unknown) rival or rivals. Whatever it was, the decision is down to us.
Accordingly, this on then off, this push then pull, this up and down, in and out behaviour has left a victim totally puzzled as to what is going on. The narcissist may have said such things as
“This is not working, I need space.”
“Perhaps if we have time apart this will bring us closer together again.”
“I need space to clear my thoughts.”
“You are putting me under pressure and I do not need it, just give me room.”
All of these comments are issued as part of the ongoing manipulation to confuse you. Yesterday we went for a wonderful picnic with you and today we are talking about needing space. You do not understand. What has changed? From your perspective nothing has. From ours, it is the switching nature of our perspective whereby we feel the need to exert control over you and gain fuel from you. Yesterday we thought it would look good for the façade to spend time with you and the children and you all gave me positive fuel. It was a good day. First thing this morning, the Candidate IPSS left me a glowing and admiring voicemail which shifted my attention on to them and reminded me why you have irritated and annoyed me. She is white, you have been painted black again and when you tried to hug me this morning, seeking to capitalise on yesterday’s delightful day, you were rebuffed and chastised for smothering me. You recoiled, hurt and confused. Pushed away again after having been pulled in.
After months of this you speak to a well-meaning friend, seek the advice of some supposed relationship expert and you convey your misery, the uncertainty and how often we have talked about splitting up and spending time apart. This advisor listens and fails to recognise the behaviour of our kind and what is behind it. They attribute it to someone who is failing to value you (which is correct) but they do not grasp the real reason behind such behaviour. You have fallen into the victim’s trap of trying to find a reason to explain this behaviour through either the influence of an external agent or in common with your capacity to self-flagellate, your own apparent shortcomings. Between the two of you, you conclude that the position at work and a recent bereavement have resulted in this confusion, this failure to identify priorities with you and your advisor suggests that giving us the often spoken about space would be advantageous.
“Show him that you will give him what he keeps saying that he needs but also let him know that he continues to have your love and support. Let him know that you are there for him when he needs you but you are going to help him by giving him the space that he requires to get his head together. He will get what he needs, value your support and then realise just how much he wants and needs you,” the advisor explains.
So, feeling reassured by these apparently sagacious words and the detailed conversations you have had with this advisor, you tell us that you are going to let us go, but that you will always be there for us.
Bad move.
Of course you will always be there for us. We expect that already. It is the central feature of the Narcissistic Relationship, that you belong to us. You are only telling us something which we know anyway.
What we actually hear when you say this sentence, or something similar to it, is not that you are trying to do what we want. We do not hear that you are trying to accord with what we desire, no matter how much you would rather not do so. We fail to recognise this act of sacrifice on your part. Why? Because as ever we are far too concerned for ourselves. What we hear is that you are trying to escape us.
It does not matter that we have been the ones who have threatened to leave, that we have repeatedly told you to back off, leave us alone, give us space, that we are thinking of going, leaving, separating or however we decide to describe it. No, that is irrelevant and of course we will twist and deflect to ever deny we said those things (you made us do it of course because it is YOUR fault).
We hear you saying you are leaving us. You are escaping. You as our IPPS are about to cut off the supply of our precious fuel and this fills us with horror at this prospect. Your words wound us and accordingly we react through the ignition of our fury. You are criticising us (according to our perspective) and therefore this wounds us. Our self-defence mechanism kicks in and our fury ignites. How this manifests varies dependent on the type of narcissist you are dealing with. You may be shouted at, attacked, emotionally black-mailed, we may burst into tears (crying for ourselves of course – not you and not the death of the Formal Relationship) or we engage in charm and threat to halt your intended departure. (You can read more about how we react to being told that you are ‘escaping’ in How No Contact Feels – Part One How No Contact Feels Part – Two and How No Contact Feels – Part Three ).
This supposedly kind and charitable act on your part will be met with an attempt to stop you leaving. This will both confuse and relieve you. You will undoubtedly remain, as you never really wanted to allow this cessation for the provision of space in the first place and you will confirm to us that you do not want it to end. You will reassure and in so doing provide fuel. We will appear pleased, relieved and so forth and of course we do not want to lose our primary source of fuel. At least, not until we are ready to dis-engage.
Do not think that your kindness and consideration will be met with approval thereafter however. Your attempt will be thrown back in your face as evidence of your treachery (and do not even think about suggesting you were only doing what we want) and you will be punished for this traitorous behaviour through the continuance of the devaluation and the imposition of greater nastiness. Your confusion will return. You tried to do the right thing and your advisor suggested this was the right thing to do and look what happened. This is, of course, because nobody has identified what you have entangled with nor understood how we behave.
You are bewildered, perplexed and miserable again.
Do we want you or do we not want you?
Of course not.
We want your fuel.
33 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 2”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I understand this is for gaining fuel but do you ever actually feel smothered and therefore the need to truly get away?
No I do not feel smothered Aura Gael because I never form a true and genuine attachment with anybody.
You connect with people though. You do have that ability. You are drawn to traits such as people being sensitive and compassionate. You appreciate humor, you enjoy sports and the arts and being in the company of others for those things.
Do the doctors think you will always have the inability to grow any authentic emotional or spiritual depth despite their help? You already achieved a huge obstacle in understanding how your negative behavior impacts people where other lessers and mid-rangers never gain that ability.
Are you ok with living out the rest of your life never knowing what a real attachment could bring to your life? To just settle?
Just as you said in your other article, “Attachment is the seat of misery”.
Correct.
Great, just great. I sent him an email a few months ago that said this exact thing…. “I love you and am always here for you”….
Oh F me. 🙁
So when an N says they want space,
they really want the partner to beg and plead (provide fuel) for them to come out of this emotional funk.
I was wondering that myself.
Brian,
If you figure out the answer to this, let me know. Mine said that shit all the time. We need time apart. We need to detox. You are obsessed with me. Our relationship is unhealthy. The sex and intimacy needs to stop. But I want to be your friend blah blah blah blah blah….”
My head hurts again. 🙁
Gee, I heard that, too. Take a break from me, stop being obsessed, we will meet again, give us time, goodBYE!, this isn’t working, you’re not my type, I expect nothing but care, you are infatuated, I can’t take your EGO!, there is nothing between us, soulmate since a boy, I used you for my mid life crisis, this isn’t working, I am so glad I found you, I don’t regeret anything, and on and on and on. What a wast of my time and life. He also got very confused by my behavior as I fought fire with fire in the end.
Gabrielle, Yeah, I told him the same. I love you and will always love you until the day I die and I waited for you since I was a kid to find me again. But, good bye. I don’t derserve being humiliated, abused, denigrated, and all your verbal abuse. I loved you before I saw that your corruption and narcissism consumed your life. I actually meant it but then I also thought, heck, let him experience double messages from me, too.
It’s a test to see if you have become a doormat.
Brian, from what I’ve gathered, I think it’s “preserving energy” when done to an IPPS & yes, a pity party looking to gather fuel. Definitely not an IPPS devaluation as we’ve learned, IPPS’s are devalued in a much meaner / smearing way.
I’ve only been an IPSS & think this is also done to preserve energy, but more so, it’s how they put an IPSS on the back burner. Keeps us hooked just enough to be recyclable later on to them.
If someone needs space from you, they aren’t willing to grow with you. It’s a game, run & give yourself a high five you dodged a bullet.
yes you are right
This reminds me of comments such as “be the ‘bigger’ (emotionally mature) person” and “if you love him, you will find it in your heart to forgive him”.
There is a spiritual element to such advice, an expectation that you turn the other cheek… and if you don’t, you are failing as a human being in other peoples’ as well as YOUR OWN eyes! We want to be the kind, generous, loving ones… but there comes a time when you realise you have to rise, and fight fire with fire.
Mine is completely bewildered by my behaviour, and says he misses the loving Matilda he once knew… well, she is dead. He killed her.
I know that feeling Matilda
😢
Yes… this, too, shall pass, Maria.
Laura this is you in a nutshell. Youre so fake. im free 🙂
HG, my question to you is: will he still hang on even after his dealings with me caused him unregulated rage which culminated in his arrest and short imprisonment, with a probation now to serve for a few years, a protection order separate to that, fines to pay and a criminial record forever that will make it difficult for him to have or keep a job? Basically, he has most likely (based on what you said in all of these writings) blame me for his behavior that eventually caught up to him. Years ago, his unregulated rage got him in the same predicament, but he absconded from the law, went under the radar for 6 years so that the statue of limitations ran out and so that he did not have to fulfill his obligation to the law of completing a probation for simple assault. He told me when I went him that he wanted to live “off the grid” lol uh huh. He shacked up with a woman for that time so that he did not have to put himself out there and be found— and let her work full-time instead of himself.
After all of this, and all of the implications, will he still look for me after 2 years of a probation? So far, he was complied with court orders and the protection order as well.
She realized none of it was real and she set herself free.
What can be very difficult too, is if you are married and confide to family that instruct you to uphold your vows for better or worse, and to ride out this part until it gets better. It’s the peaks and valleys of a long marriage.
I think it actually enables the conditioning of the Narcissist even more.
Absolutely Clarece, of course when you made those vows you made them to someone who wasn’t what you thought they were, so for those who might wrestle with their conscience about breaching their vows, they were not founded on a genuine foundation to begin with. There’s your get-out.
Ha! By the time you can even process that part and wrap your brain around it, you’ve fallen so far off the cliff and gone thru the turmoil of the divorce and paid and sat thru endless hours of therapy. But, yeah, you get there eventually. Lol
Should we expect a YouTube video called “Get Out of Jail Free! How to Get Out of Accountability”…..with your host HG Tudor (Oprah Winfrey Voice)???
I would be interested to know if you blame your parents for being the way you are?
I do, although I realise that it is not totally down to them.
Excellent article. I can’t believe I’ve said those exact same words. Thanks for bringing light to the situation. What’s funny is we say this shit but the N never says they will be there for us.
Lisa,
Digging back into the narc file in my mind (because of course I remember everything)…..mine never said he would be there for me. I go the usual “I love you” which later on was stricken from the record and replaced with “I care about you” and “you are important to me”…..but the being there for me? Nope can’t say I have heard that one.
Yeah, never heard that one. When he thought I should still be there for him, and wasn’t, and asked when he ever was there for me? What did I get? You got it. Rage and vitriole and more verbal abuse. But I did hear I love you babe that because I care more than you know and a friend observed I was important to him. But never was he ever there for me or did a thing for me. He expected it of me. Oh yes he did.
“I don’t deserve your love. I’m not good enough, you have so much going for yourself. Why do you want me? You could do better. What’s his name? That friend that likes you. Adam? Yes, go be with him. I’m not that bad at my core, but what little good left in me is not enough.
I have this need not to be alone, but I have to face it, that’s why I took a job so far away, I’m not in a mental state to be emotionally swayed. Don’t ask me why because then I’ll become vulnerable to you again. I’m just going through a fundamental state of change, but my ego is my crutch and still strong.
Maybe I just don’t know what true love is, I wasted years years with Rachel yet I cheated on you with Molly and you did nothing but just love me for me, Joanne I’m sorry, just stop crying already. I must be broken. I can’t be fixed. Let me be the piece of shit I was born to be. I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry you found out about Molly through my phone, I need to figure out how to put a damn password on my phone. Did you see any exchanges between me and Sara? Or Lisa? Or others on that dating site? Don’t worry about any of them they either deserve it or are just friends.
I see now you would’ve helped me reach my full potential, but either way I lose because I also ended up treating the girl I truly loved (Molly) like shit too. I hate Molly, but I have strong feelings for her. I did this to you because I felt guilty, but also out of revenge for your rejection 3 years ago.
But seriously Joanne, did you really have to go contact Molly and tell her about us? It should’ve stayed the way I set it up, you thought Molly was an ex fling friend and Molly thought you were a just a friend from way back then who is irrationally in love with me. Anyway, I’m sorry for I did, apparently it makes me an asshole, you’re pretty alright, Joanne. Let’s just let this go, don’t contact me with prolonged messages, just let me know how much I owe you and I’ll pay you back this summer because I honestly don’t have it right now. Anyhow, good bye.”
….Biggest mind fuck ever. Nope. I’m good. Comedic in hindsight.
Boy that is a mind fuck.
Yeah. I had some of all that nastiness. And the don’t contact me with prolonged messages or my ‘books and shit’ or whatever he called my attempts to get him to be a decent normal human being. When in that kind of a mind fuck, it’s a horror show. With enough perspective and distance, it actually looks more and more to be the pathetic ugly charade that he was, I mean it was.
I get emails wanting me to buy e-books such as How to Read the Mind of Man, Wrap Him Around Your Finger and other ridiculous titles. It’s doubtful this would be applicable to a narcissist and his nonsense, but I’m not buying any of it to get a normal man, either. Ha!
If I had known then what I know now.
HG, thank you for enlightening me and others.