Crumbs of Conversational Comfort
We are experts at providing crumbs of comfort. This is because it is a necessary form of manipulation which has to be utilised as part of plate-spinning activities. As a consequence of the differing fuel matrices which we create, we have a vested interest in keeping certain of our appliances ‘in the game’. Remember, we like to conserve our energy so we have more available for the carrying out of our manipulations over different appliances and therefore at certain stages in the dynamic, we do not want to be forced to apply much or all of our energies towards one appliance, leaving us deficient in respect of the others. We want to keep several people in our fuel matrix because of the need for fuel and also with one eye on what is ahead of us.
When we first seduce our appliances we invariably treat them to a banquet., a feast, a sumptuous meal at Restaurant Narc. This is no drive-thru quicky, no fizzy water and sandwich grab from a street vendor, but a Bacchanalian indulgence of several courses with no expense spared as we cause you to gorge on our largesse, our charm and our illusion. Of course this feast will vary dependent on the type of appliance that we have invited to dine with us and in order of sumptuous extravagance, the pecking order is as follows:-
- Candidate IPSS
- Embedded IPSS
- Shelf IPSS
- Dirty Secret IPSS
- NISS (Colleague or Friend)
Familial NISSs are already seduced by reason of familial connection. If they have been pushed out into the cold and they must be brought back into the fold, they are treated as if they are a colleague or friend NSS. Tertiary Sources are given something delicious but quick to consume and it does not matter whether they want more or not, the main thing is that what they are given in the instant works for us.
Of those categories at 1-5, the common thread is that they are all treated to a delicious, enticing and magnificent feast which draws them in. It is all impressive and gets more and impressive as one climbs the rankings. This means that the recipients get used to the extent of this feast, how amazing it tastes, how delicious it feels to be at our table and becoming full on such wonderful treats and delicacies. This is how we cultivate the addiction to us, by feeding you such sensational dishes that you keep wanting more. You become used to the sensation of being almost satiated, your senses brought to life by what we deliver and you want to keep dining with us forever and a day.
Of course these delicacies which we send your way give the appearance of being fulfilling but ultimately are not, but you do not notice and instead you want to keep tasting them and therefore once we decide that we no longer need to keep providing you with these feasts, we instead opt to give you the crumbs of comfort.
These are little reminders of what you once had, to get the tastebuds firing again, to cause the saliva to flow, to stimulate the memory of those amazing sensations so you want them all the more and with each crumb you are conned into thinking that it will lead a trail to the groaning table of scintillating tastes once more. These crumbs of comfort are designed to keep you in the game, maintain your interest, stop you losing hope, ensure that you remain bound and loyal to us. Since they are crumbs, they are low maintenance for us, hardly taking any effort or energy at all, but since you are hooked on the taste from when we seduced you, once you allow one crumb to enter your mouth, the desire returns, the memories of delicious tastes and sensations loom large and you want more. You are given another crumb, then another, just enough to keep you from looking elsewhere and just enough to ensure you remain interested in us.
The rise of technology has really caused the conversational comfort crumbs to come into their own. Whilst they can be offered on the telephone or in person, that tends to result in the narcissist being placed under more pressure and their control is eroded to some extent. Instead, most comfort crumbs will be provided through text message, through e-mail or social media message. This allows the narcissist to retain control, compose an appropriate message and it is easier to sneak out a comfort crumb via text than speak with the relevant appliance in certain scenarios.
How then might these comfort crumbs operate with the five categories of appliance detailed above?
NISS (Colleague/Friend)
The comfort crumbs for this category do not need to be used extensively because the level of expectation is not as high. The colleague or friend will only engage with the narcissist periodically and therefore if the narcissist perceives there is a risk that the relevant NISS is drifting, he can throw out a few conversational crumbs and shortly thereafter deliver the ‘meal’ again. Delivery of this meal – namely time with the narcissist – is not a major expenditure of energy since it may just be an evening every month or so, the NISS does not make extensive demands and therefore all the narcissist needs to do is send a message such as
“Not caught up for a while – let’s have lunch next week.”
“Hey, not heard from you in a while, how do you fancy a game of squash a week on Thursday”
“How are you doing? We need to catch up over drinks. Pretty bombed until the 25th, how does that suit you. 7pm yes?”
“We haven’t talked about your promotion prospects recently. Let’s have a breakfast meeting beginning of next month. Please arrange with my secretary.”
“We should look at new marketing opportunities. How about we do so over lunch in a fortnight?”
Note there is the fixing of the ‘meal’ in the future and this crumb of comfort, letting the appliance know the narcissist still values them. This crumb will draw a fuelled response, keep the appliance interested and the narcissist does not have to expend much energy through the crumb nor the eventual ‘meal’.
Dirty Secret IPSS
The Dirty Secret may be content to hold this position or may be content for the time being with an expectancy of being brought forward in the narcissist’s world, to meet friends, be seen with the narcissist in public, meet family and so forth. The DS IPSS provides frequent bursts of fuel through clandestine meetings with the narcissist and therefore the narcissist will find maintenance of this element of the fuel matrix reasonably easy because it is a short-notice demand to meet at a hotel, in a car park, in a bar and the time involved will not be extensive.
Nevertheless, if the narcissist is occupied with other appliances in his fuel matrix (usually the IPPS but possibly an IPSS and NISSs) and is not able to meet up with the Dirty Secret he does not want them going off the boil and therefore he will ensure that she is kept interested with comfort crumbs.
“Last time was amazing, I don’t know how you do it, cannot wait for the next time.”
“We have to meet soon, I am going crazy without you.”
“When we next meet I am going to treat you to an afternoon at that new hotel we were speaking about.”
“Things are hectic at the moment, but I am trying to get things boxed off so we can have at last an overnight stay together, just as I promised.”
Note how we are enthusiastic about the Dirty Secret, praising them, stating how they deserve to be treated well or given more time, but there is no commitment to when this will happen. This is because the demands of the DS are greater than the NISS and given that infidelity is taking place, the ability to commit is not as clear. The comfort crumbs will be thrown around more liberally to entice the DS but there will not be a commitment.
Shelf IPSS
It is this category of appliance which suffers the most with regards to the provision of these conversational comfort crumbs. This is because the Shelf IPSS is picked up and put down, is regarded largely in a favourable light with an extended golden period, is not often devalued (and if so it is a short lived Corrective Devaluation) and the narcissist has made a significant investment in this person and wants the return on that investment.
The narcissist does not want to lose the IPSS and have to find another but when the narcissist is spending time with a different IPSS or is engaged in spending time with the IPPS (be that devaluation or more likely a Respite Period) the relevant IPSS will be placed on the shelf. Predictably, this person will be wanting to know when they can see the narcissist when they are next getting together. They may know about the IPPS but be concerned that the narcissist is spending time with the IPPS.
Note that these comfort crumbs are not used when the narcissist is first seducing this person to make them an IPSS but they are used when the IPSS is placed on the shelf and is angling to see more of the narcissist. The narcissist will use a vast array of conversational comfort crumbs with the IPSS – some will use charm, some seek sympathy or pity, other seeks understanding and others threaten. Examples will include
“Really busy at work at present, but I will call as soon as I am free.”
“Tied up with the children, so will be in touch tomorrow.”
“Schedule is packed for the next ten days,. I am dying to see you but we will just have to be patient.”
“I will tell her but now is not the right time, her father is ill and this has to be done properly, I know you will agree because you are understanding and I thank you for that.”
“I just need to get these next few weeks out of the way and then we can be together. There is no point in rushing it and causing more trouble than necessary is there?”
“I cannot make it tonight. I have to go to this family dinner. I wish you were coming with me though.”
“Look, there is no point getting worked up about this now, I am in the middle of a huge deal. I cannot talk. I have told you this and why are you risking fucking it all up? I said I will sort it and I will, but you have to give me time.”
“When I get through this period we will have a weekend away. I promise. You know it is you that I want, but I need to know I can count on you at this difficult time.”
“You know I have always delivered and the one time where I am under pressure, you start adding to it. I did not think you were like that. Look, I will check my schedule and make some time for us. Let me do that and we can have a good talk when we see one another.”
“Every night I lie there thinking about you and when we can finally be together.”
“I cannot wait for the time I come home and find you there waiting for me. I know we will make it happen together.”
“If you tell her about us, I will never speak to you again and you and only you will bring down this wonderful thing that you and I have together. Please do not do that, you will destroy me and destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Once again these comfort crumbs come with no set time for delivery, no firm and definite time periods but they are designed to keep the IPSS hanging on. There are thousands of different ways that they are phrased and it is the IPSS who finds themselves in the role of Permanently In Waiting, kept interested from these crumbs but never finding their way to the table again, either at all or for some time.
Sometimes there might be a pile of crumbs provided whereby the narcissist engages in a telephone call or skype call instead of meeting up. This will be used to maintain interest, gain fuel and exert control.
The comfort crumb is used as a benign method of control because the narcissist does not want to use harsh and malign methods of asserting control for fear of losing a valuable appliance.
The Embedded IPPS
The comfort crumbs operate in a different way with the embedded IPPS. None of course are needed during their seduction or their embedded stage of the golden period. They will see plenty of the narcissist then.
The comfort crumbs will be doled out during the devaluation of the IPPS for the purposes of keeping them in place so that more negative fuel can be extracted whilst the narcissist works on prospective Candidate IPSSs (either finding them or seducing them).
It is likely (although not always the case) that the IPPS will live with the narcissist and therefore the comfort crumbs will be linked to finding a way to sort things out, achieving a resolution and such like.
“I think we need to sit down and talk things through when things are less hectic.”
“We can sort this mess out. I am determined to do so, but it has to be done at the right time.”
“I just want things to be the way they were.”
“I want us to resolve these problems, but there are too many distractions at the moment. Let me know when we can do this.”
“I will talk to you about our problems but now is not a good time. You know how busy I am with work.”
“We have to see what can be done, but you need to make some changes first for me to see before I can consider how me move forward.”
Again these are vague and amorphous and are designed to be. There is no true intent to resolve the issues but instead these comfort crumbs are provided to enable the victim to think that resolution (something an empathic person relies on and hopes for) is achievable and that the golden period can be returned to.
The Candidate IPSS
The Candidate IPSS is not given comfort crumbs because this appliance is in the ascendancy towards being crowned as IPPS and therefore they will be subjected to the bombardment that is love-bombing.
What have been your crumbs of comfort from the narcissist you entangled with?
48 thoughts on “Crumbs of Conversational Comfort”
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I used to call these “placeholders”. The moment he would start to do them, I would get a know in the pit of my stomach. Your term “crumbs of conversational comfort” sounds so much nicer!
Hi H.G
Could a Shelf IPSS actually be the Narcissists scapegoat?
Thanks so much
Hello WW, potentially but that would be unusual. The position of scapegoat tends to be one which is filled by someone who is largely unable to “get away” owing to a pre-existing connection rather than having been seduced. For example, someone who is seduced as an IPSS or IPPS will either have been a stranger (TS) or already known (NISS – friend or colleague) BUT they have to be seduced into the position of IPPS or IPSS.
Someone who is a NISS (family or colleague) does not need to be seduced because they are already in place in the fuel matrix by virtue of being a relation or working with the narcissist, there is a pre-existing link. Thus scapegoats are often family members, colleagues and sometimes friends (the person may already be in a social group which the narcissist infiltrates). Scapegoats tend to find themselves allocated the role permanently.
You can certainly argue the case that the IPPS or IPSS becomes scapegoated when devaluation occurs, but that is not true scapegoating.
Accordingly, it would be highly unusual to have a Shelf IPSS as a scapegoat.
Hi Gabrielle, thank you for your comment. See with me, i heard nothing from him on my birthday. In fact, there has been no communication between us since October. I believe he has a new primary source and may still be in the golden period. He has never been expressly harsh or mean to me. Always responded to my contact pretty much right away and in a friendly manner. I just got tired of initiating contact. Anyway, I was just trying to figure out if him not wishing me a happy birthday meant anything.
Insatiable,
All that “happy birthday” text did was send me into a downward spiral, it made me reach out to him so he could ignore me. 🙁
I figured he would have just forgotten my birthday. But they never forget do they? They know it all and they can choose when they want to respond to you. If they want to respond to you. It’s all just one big fucking game.
” it made me reach out to him so he could ignore me. 🙁”
Yes, all these mental abusers/narcissists create an enormous suspicion between ppl in general online.
“Every time you send a textmessage you lose a little power”
(quote from an article about the waiting game of when, or if at all, the recipient will respond to our message)
These days I never text anything urgent (unless i’m about to meet the person and telling them I’m late),
happy to get a response within 24 hrs. Which is cool.
I see textmessages as emails or postcards. Slow communication.
HG, a quick question if you don’t mind. With the shelf IPSS, would the narcissist contact her on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday while she was on the shelf and he is with new primary source? In other words, does the fact that he did not wish her a happy birthday in and of itself mean she was instead devalued and dis-engaged with rather than placed on the shelf? Thank you!
He would not necessarily contact her. If he did, it should be regarded as a comfort crumb when on the shelf, but a failure to do so is not a devaluing move but rather just part of being on the shelf.
Yep! 🙁 This happened to me. I unfortunately fell for it and called him. Got voice mail though! And a text message hoover/comfort crumb tossed at me a few days later of “sorry I missed your call we will talk soon”. And….nothing. And so on….
Thanks so much, HG! I appreciate the prompt response very much! I am much obliged!
Insatiable Learner,
I know your question was directed toward HG but as a combo of shelf IPSS/dirty secret IPSS I am going to answer your question. My mid range cerebral contacted me on my birthday. I do not know what his current sources are/were as I am long distance (I know he is married though). I was discarded when I received a “Happy Birthday” text. And I echo HG’s reply. It was a crumb of comfort tossed at me which I devoured and immediately called him to reach out. I got his voice mail. 🙁
@ABB
…the part in which you say lightly you’ll take devaluation anytime….
THAT you don’t know what you are talking about: clearly.
Hi Giulia,
I said UNTIL devaluation then I’m outtie. Meaning as soon as they start devaluation I leave them. No where did I say I’d take devaluation. So yes, I do know what I’m talking about.
Shelf IPSS to Upper Mid-range Elite
“Oh sorry, I fell asleep. I want to see you too but it’s so late now and I’m exhausted. I wouldn’t be good company anyway. Would you like to go on a trip when I’m done with this job? We could really use a trip.”
Good to remember all this BS because I almost started missing him for a moment.
“I want to see you more often too but the distance (45 min. drive) makes it hard. You should just move here. They just built some great condos around the corner. If only you lived that close.” ( note that he used to say move into HIS condo. And he knows I can’t afford to rent in his neighborhood. So it’s a comfort crumb mixed with some stinging devaluation.)
“I AM serious, I have no idea what you are talking about. Do you think I’m helping you with (insert things he’s not really helping me with) for my health??”
“I know you miss me. I’m working all this week (when he already said before he was off all week.) We will see each other soon.”
“I can’t do this right now, I’m at work and texting is a pain. (he f’ing loves texting and he wasn’t at work) We should have lunch though. No I didn’t say today. I don’t have much time today, I told you that.”
HG, would you please help me understand what this statement means “it is the IPSS who finds themselves in the role of Permanently In Waiting, kept interested from this crumbs but never finding their way to the table again, either at all or for some time”?
It means the IPSS is kept dangling.
Thank you for clarifying, HG! I used to think that these comfort crumbs were a devaluing behavior but from the article, it sounds like it depends on the type of the source/ appliance. With secondary intimate partners, this is not devaluation while with the embedded primary, it is. Is my understanding correct? Thank you very much!
His 50th birthday. Bought him a full day out at Texas Motor Speedway, suited with picture of him driving NASCAR racing vehicles around the track at top speeds.
My 50th birthday… “Oh, happy birthday” peck on cheek..”I left a card for you up on the counter. Really exhausted. Gonna sleep in the den tonight because your snorting..anyway good night.” closes door. Me? I just go to bed and cry. Take 2 tylenol pm’s just so my wimpering doesn’t keep me awake. Never again. I’m free.
Very informative article…HG would a narcissist with a ipps(golden period), only regard intercourse with someone else as cheating and view anything else as not a form of cheating??
The narcissist would not be cheating during the golden period with the IPPS.
In such cases, you give him an ultimatum. Everything will come crashing down. Better sooner than later.
OMG!! Reading this was one of the most enervating,disgusting,repulsive and disappointing experiences!!!And there goes another “Sand Castle “collapsing…..again..
This comment was not directed to you HG…it was just the feelings of reading this article….
Crumble pie anyone? I hear it’s better than the humble pie. 🍰🍽 Well in a narcissists case anyway. I deserve the whole crumbcake. Of course then you’d tell me I’m getting fat and if I don’t get it together than you’ll be leaving me. Or then you’ll say why aren’t you eating your crumbs? You are too thin and you look gaunt.
All that aside, Excellent piece HG. Of course I’m sure you are an excellent piece and I’d take those crumbs any day of the week…until devaluation, then I’m outtie.
ANB…surely you don’t know what you are talking about.
Oh really???? I’ll engage..which part specifically?
I remember all too well..currently can’t figure out if I’m ipss, or dirty secret..we haven’t been intimate in six months, he moved out of town, has new ipps since moved…told me he would do this and that today, did what he wanted but nothing I wanted…what more can I expect
I used to be the NISS. This is so true! Excellent post. Thank you!
I first went in as a Dirty Secret and came out an IPPS. Only as soon as I reached those ranks and realised how much of a hopeless narc he was I wanted out!! I wanted to go back to a Dirty Secret. It was much better then! I got the amazing sex and didn’t have to be involved with the embarrassingly chaotic life he leads. Now I’m the one who is embarrassed to be seen with him and he is the Dirty Secret who keeps trying to seduce me with a never ending golden period and begging to reinstate our formal relationship but nothing he does is ever good enough.
Unfortunately I am a Dirty Secret having to live WITHOUT the amazing sex, only on future faking and false promises…
Oh Ursula what are you doing honey? If you are someone’s dirty secret At least get a narc that will get off on getting you off!
Yes B, you are right. I’ll try to find one next time…! When I’m done with the old one…
Gabrielle, I received very similar crumbs of discomfort:
“Ursula, I unterstand that you are unhappy within this situation. I can’t take care for you as much as you would deserve it. You know the reason why. Please go and look for another man who can take care of you. I want you to be happy. We are going to see each other anyway and nothing’s going to change between us.”
😮
how can you do it?
Too hurtful for me.
Seems I have to learn the very hard way….
Horribly aching to read this.
I got every crumb designed for Dirty Secret and Intimate Secondary Source.
Especially the phrase “I can’t wait till we do … this and … that again” without ever following through.
I still can’t understand why he didn’t bother to come and visit me for five minutes as I was begging him to do so.
Instead he provided me with the following:
“I will give you what you need”
“I am incredibly happy to have you in my life”
“I love you for waiting for me and doing everything for me” (affirmative statement)
“Isn’t it fantastic that we have this together?”
“Everything will be alright between us”
“We shall never end this. Swear it to me!!!”
“I am getting more and more addicted to you!” (After months of not having seen oneanother. Inverse NLP-Statement, by the way. He wanted me to answer “I am addicted so much to you” or sth. like that)
“Nothing works without you”
And so on and so on.
Draining. Exhausting. Making me feel ashamed of myself.
He had a blog. He likes to write…show….he used to leave his crumbs for me in his blog, during the silent treatment mostly.
He deleted the blog after we broke up.
Now he resuscitated the blog.
I know because I’ve been checking….and I’ve been checking because I need to know what he’s up to. I need to know he is at a safe distance from me.
Wow!! I finally understand!! I am so f______ stupid!!! Unbelievable!!
Dirty Secret here. 🙁
In the beginning….crumbs of comfort…
“My ex was crazy and wanted too much from me. You are nothing like her. You are a good person and you understand that I have a family who needs me…”
“I will take you however I may have you, whether it be as a pen pal or occasional lover”
“I love you and my love for you is real. I would not go through such lengths for something tawdry or trivial”
“I will give you whatever I can”
“I love you so much and I promise you that soon you’ll get the attention you deserve”
Later on…crumbs of uncomfort….
“What do you expect from me? You’re not my wife and you live states away. I am giving you what I can!”
“I cannot give you what you need. You are not my wife and I love my wife”
“I am NOT yours”
“You are too emotionally dependent on me. You need to relieve yourself of your dependency of me”
“You are crazy”
OMG! You outdid yourself with this article HG! Nicely done!
“Sometimes there might be a pile of crumbs provided whereby the narcissist engages in a telephone call or skype call instead of meeting up. This will be used to maintain interest, gain fuel and exert control.” A skype call = comfort crumb (so as not to lose an appliance).
This was the crux of so many fights. In my world view, the skype calls were supposed to be the lead-up to meeting up again. Verbal foreplay if you will… Not a standalone event. And that is exactly what it was to him. I began calling them love kernels. Interesting though you say the calls are offered because they are in fear of losing an appliance if no appearance was to be made at all. As if that value means much though.
Wow!
Well as I was made aware of by you ,HG , I am a Shelf IPSS or was until I went no contact . I think he knew me so well that promises to see me just stopped working so he would “squeeze me in ” and this was to keep me. I didn’t realize that he had invested so much in me and this was why he made me a Shelf toy. Also due to my sweet delicious fuel milkshake. The phone calls were frequent. I mean too frequent but it was not enough for me. He lost control as I gained knowledge more and more.The calls were more about him gaining fuel than me anyway. I ran into him twice already and felt nothing. I never made eye contact. I will never make eye contact with the Devil again. He went on stage to sing and right in front of him I excused myself to the person that was running the open mic and told them I was meeting someone I know the Narc is jealous of while he was standing right there. Imagine causing him 3 Narc injuries without trying in one night. 1. My best friend turned her head on him and ignored him. 2. I left as soon as he went up to sing. 3. I left to meet someone he is extremely jealous of. This particular night his DS was there bartending.I got a read on the situation with her in seconds. He told her bad things about me. She is jealous but so grateful he is with her and not me any longer because she is ugly and homely. She was texting him while I was at the other end of the bar feeding him info. She is trying hard to make an effort to look good and failing due to him. Her smirks of satisfaction were met with pity from me as I too was once there. I am proud of myself. Like to keep it that way . Thank you
Wow. During my devaluation phase of being the IPPS, I heard “I continue to struggle with my feelings that we are ultimately incompatible”. All the while he is blatantly pursuing his new supply. Together for 11+ years… I feel like a fool.
Another winner article! Absolutely outstanding! So are the statements like “I will try not to be so distant in the future. I will try to reach out more. I promise.” coming from a narcissist who has a new IPPS comfort crumbs? There is no follow through though. He has been silent since October. I was his IPSS or perhaps DS, not sure. Thank you!
Yes they are IL. If you need to make sense of what your situation was with the relevant narcissist and the dynamic you will find a private consultation will give you the answers.
Thank you, HG! I will definitely schedule it. I have been thinking about it. I appreciate it!
Almighty God knows every single detail of what has happened. Every tear. Every pain. Every manipulation. The Father of Lies (Satan) literally lives in these people who are his children. God wants you to come to Him, invite Christ into your heart, and ask Him for help. Talk to Him about everything always. He will adopt you as His child. I have experienced miracles and other supernatural confirmations from God. Go to nondenominational churches where He will send people to help you. Almighty God continues to faithfully fight this war with me. My intuition is accurate because it is His Voice of Truth, “coincidences” are God communicating, and prayers answered with incredible detail have manifested. Most of you are in terrible pain. I know your pain. I survived the worst- Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath and sexual sadist. I am still fighting him over our 2 children. I am no longer afraid. My Father sits on the throne and I am a Daughter of The Most High God. You can be too if you ask. He will fight for you!!
Same speech different thread. Next.
I so often have a stronger physical reaction to your posts rather than an emotional one. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ll have one Dirty Secret IPSS crumb plate and one Shelf IPSS crumb plate please! I have had my fill of both delicacies and am completely malnourished. Imagine that! He said everything you quoted. It only adds insult to injury that the quotes are apparently so generic 🤢 They don’t even have to think about it. Just more word vomit.