The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 3
A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.
“Try to find more things in common.”
The instruction from the advisor is for the victim and the (as yet unidentified) narcissist to try to find more things in common. The confused victim has complained that once upon a time she and the narcissist once did so much together, they had so many shared interests, things in common, a mutual desire to experience certain things as a couple. Now, that has gone and fallen away. The victim does not understand what has changed. Where once days were spent engaged in pursuits which both she and the narcissist enjoyed, talked about and planned, now the situation is very different. He is either locked away in the study ( the Bolthole), goes out who knows where or sits in the same room with mobile phone or tablet glued to his hand, rarely speaking.
The victim complains of feeling like the relationship has hit a rut, that it has somehow gone stale (oh how it has but not for the reason the victim realises) and is looking to understand how it can be invigorated with a return to those halcyon days of the golden period. The addictive qualities of that sensational time still infect the victim who understandably hankers for the relationship highs associated with that dizzying and scintillating time. The victim turns for help, explaining the trough that the relationship appears to have fallen into and listening to friend, family member, supposed relationship expert or whoever it might be as they listen and then offer this prescription in order to cure the ill that is being currently experienced.
I have see this suggestion made on the pages of an apparent experienced relationship advisor. The background that the writer detailed evidenced clearly the pattern that is recognisable (not to all though clearly) as that of the romantic narcissistic dynamic. The situation was clear and evident, but the response was that described above. The victim was urged to find more things in common in order to rekindle the excitement, interest and vibrancy of the early part of the relationship.
Note how the suggestion is for there to be ‘more things in common’ which presupposes that there was anything in common to begin with. No there was not. What you thought was a magnificent alignment of common interests was the effect of the mirroring that we narcissists engage in. We show you what you want so you fall in love with it. We show you yourself and thinking that it is someone else you fall for it hook, line and sinker. Our apparent enjoyment of fell walking was done to bind you to us. Our interest in Japanese cuisine was only done so you drew closer to us. Our enthusiasm for world cinema was driven by our unquenchable desire for your fuel. Since we saw the person that was going to fulfil our Prime Aims then your interests became our interests. Whether it happened to be morris dancing, medieval battle re-enactments or wine tasting. Whatever you enjoyed doing, we claimed to enjoy it as well, yet this was all fabricated purely for the purposes of ensnaring you. We attended the Star Trek convention with you, we volunteered to pick up rubbish on the local beach and to read the works of Lord Byron to one another. It did not matter because all we were concerned with was drinking up that wonderful positive fuel that you flowed with as a consequence of your enthusiasm, admiration, enjoyment and love for our supposed mutuality of interests.
This advice to try to find more in common is doubly dangerous.
Firstly, it causes you to believe that you actually had something in common in the first place. You did not. We created an illusion for you to fall for as I have described above.
Secondly, it causes you to keep trying to win our favour. You spend your time thinking of common interests that you can engage in with us. Indeed, you start to consider those pursuits which may not really interest you, but you try to find something that will interest us and you, because you want to save the relationship, you want the golden period back, you will go along with them because you are a good person who is trying to fix the slump in the relationship. Your advisor has led you down a dangerous path with such an instruction. This is because
- You are misled into believing that the problem can be fixed by you trying harder. It cannot but you do not know this and the supposedly wise advice compounds the error.
- You start to erode your sense of self as you actually move away from finding mutual interests to forcing yourself to do the things which we like.
- You may well engage in behaviours which you do not really enjoy but you go along with it because you think that if you can do something with us then you will meet with success. You start to make the sacrifices.
- You fail to realise that you are being devalued by a narcissist. You may be in the Stranger Zone at this juncture and whilst it is dull and bewildering, it is not the out and out abuse of the classic devaluation. This is a time when you might make good your escape from our clutches (if you had been properly advised) but instead you remain and leave yourself exposed to worse behaviours and abuses which will take their toll on you.
- You continue to plug away, trying to please us, suggesting things together, perhaps turning to those interests we once both engaged in. You will be met with either a lack of interest or your suggestions will irritate and then enrage us. By telling us what we ought to do together you are trying to tell us what to do (at least that is how it will appear from our perspective) and therefore we will feel the need to assert our authority over you by the unleashing of our manipulations. Not only will this hurt you, it will leave you feeling even more confused – you tried to do something good and enjoyable, you followed the advice which you thought would work – yet here you are shouted at, left in silence, berated and accused of being controlling and over-bearing. You are miserable, perplexed and no further forward. You keep trying to get it right but you cannot because you do not know what you are dealing with and you are only going to irritate and annoy us all the more.
- You become conned by the imposition of a Respite Period. Your suggestion of a bike ride through the countryside is met with a favourable response. You feel elated, it has worked, you have made a breakthrough and you have a wonderful day with us. You had no breakthrough. Your suggestion was irrelevant. It just happened to coincide with us applying a Respite Period. This supposed victory will just bind you to us for longer and then when you suggest such an outing in three weeks’ time (and this time we refuse and pour scorn on you) you are left perplexed again.
Once again, the ignorant have provided their advice which is useless when applied to one of our kind and all that follows is further misery for you.
52 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 3”
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Rayne Colwell
I am waiting for your reply..
i cant’ wait…
that would be so so … crazy if we had the dance with the same dancer..
I’ve often wondered if this would happen on the blog. Even though we are all from different places, it is a small world.
Love
Now i really beed to know
as Rayne Colwell said something that her narc said..
and it is so intriguing as not many would say that!
that is why i am trying to get more information from her.. but she seems to have disappeared ..
i hope she will be back and read ny comments.
OMG
Rayne Colwell
My heart started to beat fast when i read what you said about your narc wanting to become a priest????
The same was with mine.
Do we we have the same man???
I live in Yorkshire. I am Italian.
And you?
HG please post this. Do not keep it in moderation.
Thank you.
Rayne Colwell
The one i got entangled with for the past 10 years still lives with his parents.
I would like to hear about it from HG as well on that.
Rayne Colwell
The one i got entangled with for the past 10 years still lives with his patents.
I would like to hear about it from HG as well on that.
HG,
I understand fuel is the rule but, how can you tolerate say eating food you really don’t like, or reading, watching etc..things you do not like? Is it just that you have no identity so you like what they like to get fuel? Since you have no identity you just morph into theirs as a means to and end, fuel? Are their things that you like that you want your ipps to like too?
Awesome
On the topic of things in common….Narcs are known for faking/mirroring this to the extreme right? When mine came on so strongly to me it began as “OMG I am a HUGE Simpsons fan too!” He frequently interacted with me on Facebook on a mutual friend’s page making jokes and quoting the episodes. That is how the friend request came about. About 7 months later the love bombing began as I realized we had so much more in common * eye roll *
He rivaled me with how effectively he could quote the show and how every topic of discussion we had related to a quote from the show. Truly a hardcore fan of the show, he had me believing.
In the end of things when I called him and he answered I dropped a joke from the show into my phone call greeting (one of the Moe’s Tavern prank phone call names like Hugh Jass (Huge Ass…etc.) as a joke. And while in the past he always replied with whatever Moe the Bartender would say in response. This time he drew a blank essentially and replied with a totally different response which made no sense. Shocked I called him out on it and corrected him and he replied with total indifference….”Oh I did not realize that”…
So in the end it really is not finding more things in common. The things we originally had in common were never real anyway were they? 🙁
No, they were not.
Hi. More on the subject of narcissists living with their parents and why.
I knew it. Lol. I had a feeling he was telling me what I wanted to hear. One day,He switched from spirituality to becoming a priest. I figured his new interest was a catholic. Lol. I tried telling my friends but they thought it was far fetched. Thanks for confirming my intuition. 🙂
Whaaat?! So he doesn’t like musicals, gangster movies and Italian food ??😦..😉
I stopped doing things with him. He threw fits. I told him to fucking grow up. Or go back to his mommies house. He did………
And she became his primary source.
Interesting… is that it or do you have more on this subject??
Hello RC, more on which subject?
Ugh same here, well good riddance than better her than I maybe she’ll teach him how to do a load of laundry while at it as well!
Interesting. So a golden “Momma’s Boy” can be totally sustained with her adoring fuel and then maintaining as many IPSS as he wants?
wow this is 100%true. Happened to me 3 times. And me trying and trying and CONFUSED!!! CONFUSED !!! CONFUSED!!! … what is wrong if he enjoyed so much travelling around and from one moment to another nothing and funny enough yes it was the bolthole, the TV couch ( ygames) or the ipad … HG knows everything.
EXCELLENT article,
Thank you Nikita.
Right?! It’s quite uncanny, I’ve picked my jaw up off the floor more than a few times these last couple of days soaking it in… The pathetic shell I’d becoming has grown stronger and now i mostly just feel pretty intense rage, more at him than myself now too. Thank you HG 🙂 it’s better than where I was 3 weeks ago.
You are welcome Catlady.
So true. If one must try that hard, it should be a sign.
HG,
1.How hard is it to pretend to enjoy an activity? I believe you took ballroom dancing to seduce an ex once?
2. Some are harder to fake, especially if they require physical energy. For how many months can you force yourself?
3. I’m sure you have excellent footwork (take me for a spin and I’ll be the judge of that 😀), but what if you had two left feet?
a) You’d be frustrated for failing
b) The teacher correcting your moves would be a major criticism
c) You’d have to exert major self control to maintain the façade
Would you just find an excuse to not participate in these activities?
Thank you.
1. It depends on the activity, generally speaking it is not hard because of the fuel that is being gained and the outcome that will be achieved.
2. Given that the initial seduction usually lasts a few weeks to a few months, one can sustain that easy enough
3. Lower functioning of our kind would blunder through under the delusion of being brilliant, higher functioning would shift to an alternative method so as to not look foolish.
HG, thank you for this info.
Did you really take up soap carving, or were you being humorous?
You are welcome. That was humour, but if needed I would have done it.
When you “study” a prospect, could certain traits deter you from pursuing? If she loves certain things you hate? Ex: you’re a vegetarian and she loves to BBQ on weekends, she goes to church on Sundays but you don’t. .. have you yourself not pursued someone for these reasons though the fuel would have been awesome?
Thank you again. Great to catch you “live”.
If the class traits did not fit and the empathic traits and special traits were not all that good, that person is less likely to be targeted.
This one made me mad! I wasted days catching Pokémon with him on our phones because I thought it’d make him happy even though I felt stupid doing it. Me. A grown woman with a hard career & real life things to tend to, catching Pokémon like a teen with a grown “man.” Jokes.
Did you catch any?
Hello HG!
All these excellent informative articles you are writing about “Errors of the Ignorants” made me think of all the COUPLE THERAPIES me and my ex Greater attended to.
I am not implying by any way that psychologists fall into this category…BUT from my own painful experience it can be VERY DANGEROUS to go to couple therapy with a psychologist that does not have the competence enough to see through the narcissist,especially those belonging to the upper schools.
Of the five therapists ( during the 6 years of the relationship)we attended to..just two of them could see through him. During the therapies..he was a master of manipulation,projection,blame shifting and ALL the machinations a Greater has…resulting in him getting more information about me that he used against me afterwards or according to one therapist concluding that the problem was me not trusting him!
I am very thankful to have found at last one competent psychologist that finally could “spot “him. I am very grateful to her.
When I look back…finding a competent professional earlier could have saved me MANY YEARS of torture!!
Indeed it can be and whilst there are some very good psychologists, there are others and therapists who do not know enough about this particular subject where points are missed. In fairness, this series is aimed more at lay individuals who try to help but do not understand and especially those supposed relationship experts which appear all over the place who fail to spot narcissism time and time again.
I agree with you and thank you for your answer HG.
You are welcome.
I am genuinely impressed that you got you ex narc to attend therapy. I begged for therapy thinking it was the cure for our problems. I always got a resounding yes because of course he would do anything to make things better. Didn’t happen even one time.
Hello 12345!
Thank you for you kind words.
It is something that still puzzles me. Specially the fact that he attended all the therapies with 5 different therapies a long our 6 year journey( I call it dance) together.
I think it was my ( strong) narcissistic traits ( as a Superempath) that got triggered from the very beginning. From the first year giving him ultimatum. But I am a very warm and caring empath.😀
I think he acceded to attend because he went into “Chaos mode”..And he applied the ” Emergency hoover” and/ or he saw many residual benefits of being with me.
But I honestly do not understand why he did not dis- engaged…since my demands were higher and higher for each year until I left him.
Being a Greater Somatic and now 54 years old..I guess he was weary about getting old and losing his charm…And perhaps his Fuel Matrix was not very effective at that time.
He is never,never going to forgive me to have escaped him…I was the one that did not want to continue with the last therapy.
The last therapist told me who he was and she warned me that if we continued with the therapy…he ( my ex narc) had to work with himself for at least a year before I could start seeing some changes…and that there was no warranty of him being able to succeed adapting his behaviour.
So I quitted : both the therapy AND him.I did not want to invest more time of my life …I had enough.
Something he said to me that I did not understand then but I understand now was:
If this does not work with you…I will just give up searching.I am tired to be abandonded.”
Were you also a IPPS? What school does your ex-narc belong to?
How do you feel now?
I am very glad that you have found the help you need through HG’s work.😀And that you have found some “peace” in your heart.
Well ..one thing I know : the aftermath of having being with him and leaving him…has not been a pleasant journey…that is why this blog has been very therapeutical for me!
Wish you the best😀
12345: I meant he said….” Iam tired of being abandoned”..😀 Sorry about my English!,,,
Lol yes HG, close to one hundred.
Joanne, did you catch more than him? If so, did you tell him?
Love, no I did not catch more than him. He probably would’ve competed to beat me anyway as he couldn’t hold a job and had plenty of spare time on his hands!
I’m sure you could have kicked his butt in Pokeman if you wanted to 😁
Lol 🙂
You caught one already Joanne.Darkrai.
LOL….the one I was caught up with liked Pokemon too. And anime. And all things superhero as well. A grown man indeed. LOL.
Yeah , mine as well Gabrielle .. He was 10 years younger than me.Mind you I liked some of that staff too .
LOL. Mine was 5 1/2 years younger. And while I know how it is to be a big fan of something he was obsessed with all things superhero. Every time after we were intimate he would essentially give me a lecture about something related to superheroes complete with a video clip on his phone. He frequently said he was drawn to people who needed saving, fixing, etc. those who were broken. Prior girls (and the current wife) used to all call him their Superman.
Same here! With fishing!! Me! Fishing! The most boring thing in the entire universe!!! LOL!
HG! After an entire year I finally woke up and deleted his messages from my archived list on WhatsApp. the only reason i storied it so I can prove my innocence and also so I can expose him to the woman he dated after me – who dumped him for someone else but still believes she was special- and realised the only person who gave a damn and was caught in this cycle was me. My friend said oh that’s great maybe one day you will meet and it will be beautiful and that confuses me…will it? should it?
Does your friend mean you and the other lady meeting? If so, there may be some benefit but you are dealing with something that occurred in the past for both of you, so why waste your time?
no she means me and him. she believes we had something special but I don’t know… it was special for me but watching him run off like that didn’t make it look like he found it special…?
!