Lonely
I like it when you are lonely. That is my favourite place for you. When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you. You may as well have taken a knife to your chest, slit it open and shouted, “Come and get me.” Those in a state of loneliness are massively susceptible to my overtures when I decide to engulf you in my bombardment of flattery and zealous appreciation. Those who have tired of their single status and wallowing in solitary confinement seize on this interest of mine. The red flags may be fluttering but you never see them or if you do, you think “how pretty”.
I may make you feel wanted and special but all I am doing is moving you. I am transporting you from loneliness in the real world to isolated splendour in my false reality. Once I have positioned you there I shall busy myself cutting you off from family, friends and acquaintances. You will readily go along with my fabricated denigrations of people you once held dear and who you saw regularly. You want more of the sugar that I am pouring on you. To do that you need to spend more time with me and thus less with anyone else. It is hardly a sacrifice though is it? Any dissenting voices are marginalised by cleverly constructed smear campaigns against these people (watch out – that campaign will be used against you in the not too distant future). You are an eager co-conspirator happy to discard these people (how can you be so callous?) with the repeated promise and reward of more of my intoxicating attention.
Once all those ties have been cut you are mine. You are dependent on me for everything. You have nobody to turn to and thus your focus will always be on me. As you try harder to please me, the realisation of your isolation becomes all the more apparent. You can feel the tendrils of loneliness wrapping around you once again. I know you will feel this and I know you will do all the more to cling onto me, your life raft, your beacon of hope in the wilderness. Anything to avoid being left alone. I am afraid it is too late. Your isolation was sealed the moment you listened to me. You are so alone nobody can hear you scream.
47 thoughts on “Lonely”
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Why ya wanted me in Florida… ________________________________
*TYPO* ..I meant: ” this site is telling you WHAT the narcissist SEES in you as weaknesses but they are NOT WEAKNESSES …they are traits….
I think the greatest service you are doing here HG, is to show us our weaknesses, how easy it is to spot and seduce us. How we do offer ourselves on a silver platter. And still are not cautious enough.
Hello ava101!
I know my comments are somtimes very “straight forward”…And I hope this is not taken personally..
but this site is exactly teeling you WHAY the narcissist SEES in you as “weaknesses”… But they are not weaknesses . they are TRAITS that can turned to be A STRENGHT to protect you against them..and what a better
way than knowing HOW by the information that this site is giving you? Just an opinion..
It’s true. The irony is that you think that whomever finds you out through your loneliness is a man of depth, sensitivity and looking for someone real.
Your first mistake, right there.
Totally agree! I was leaving an abusive relationship, only to find my “Knight in Shiny Armor”. It was ugly and my ex was stalking me, including spying on me.
Here come my new Knight. I could tell him anything and never judged in the beginning. Only to pay the price later on.
He moved in, never allowed that before with his possessions a suitcase. After all a Sea Captain does not carry much. After all they live on the ships.
I never understood his hatred of me, the ranting at me for being the Psycho that no one would never want. After all I was the crazy one.
Thrown under the bus in marriage counseling. I needed to change or he is walking. We had private sessions and then together. He goes out to sea and the counselor said that he had agreed to tell me all that he has said. So, why would I stay with someone who did not want to be with me.
I stayed because he never said that. It goes on and on the hell that you go through. It was not until I read Tudors books to identify what he was.
He sold and hocked everything I had including the house money from the sale to pay off his credit card bills. Sells the Motorhome that was from my savings, he paid nothing. The title read either can sell. So he did without a signature.
He left California as he had a job in Florida, only there never was one in Florida. I now was his prisoner and it was hell to pay. I left with the clothes on my back and he went back to Seattle area, now a Captain on a Party Boat. I am in Georgia.
I have been the happiest I have ever been and realize my part in allowing this. I have not much, but I am happy.
It was hard for me to wrap my head around someone who could not love. IT hurt, realizing they have no emotion.
He left me after he drained all that I had, and left with the same suitcase. I am better than him, as I can at least love.
F*cked up…
Hi HG,
Thanks for sharing -brilliantly said. You mention in many of your books that those of your kind go after broken people or those that are in a desperate situation in their life. Wouldn’t this amount to being a broken appliance? What is the difference?
Thanks?
No, a broken appliance is one that does not function properly. A broken person is one which may very well make an excellent appliance owing to the special traits.
Are you referring to the class and character traits? If this person, whom I know, has no residual benefits to offer because they are broke and totally dependent on the narcissist for housing, job and everything else. Is this situation appealing to a UMRN?
Thanks HG 🙂
The special traits. If the fuel is immense it will appeal
Wow. When u see the words in black and white. Soo true. Makes me want more than anything to get stronger and i will
Omg the loneliness I felt…living in the same house as he emotionally abandoned me, silent treatment and disregarding my presence. Too afraid to approach him to speak as choosing the wrong words would ignite his rage.. I never saw it as abuse as I was conditioned to believe it was my fault and I was the cause.
Love: They contradict themselves often, you know that. What was said fifteen minutes ago is obliterated through their double-mindedness. I am not sure that they know what they want to be honest. Disordered, remember 🙂
AlejandraA,
I share your sentiments-exactly. My fear was giving him a reason to leave, which for me was my greatest fear-and of course he knew it and played on it consistently. Thanks to HG and all the knowledge I have gained through reading so many of his books, I no longer fear being alone as a mater of fact I quite enjoy getting back to a normal life without drama and chaos. I also took the blame bc that’s the way we empaths are-always wanting to get back to peace and harmony. It never last with them because they thrive on drama and anything which will cause a reaction thus fuel.
“When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you.”
Haven’t you said in the past you like the ones that are more of a challenge? I assumed you would be more drawn to the ones that provide a chase? Declaring their loneliness is like handing themselves on a platter to you.
Both types probably offer very potent fuel in different and satisfying ways and who says he isn’t pursuing both kinds at the same time?
True Clarece. And the winners of the IPPS, and IPSS1,2,3,4 titles are declared at the rose ceremony. Lol everyone wins.
OMG, too funny. Then IPSS 5-10 can go off to Bachelor in Paradise.
Love
Remember that he is not just speaking for himself but giving a broad representation of all the schools and cadres. You know our boy wants them feisty!
It’s not being lonely which hurts, it’s feeling all alone while he is sitting next to you… I found the strength to tell him, but he did not want to understand.
Yep!
Thanks for sharing this, HG. What kind of narcissist are inclined to target women who are in relationships and lonely?
Any of us will do so.
I felt the most intensely alone when I was with him, in the last few months, during devaluation. I actually would leave his place when he did that to me, telling him he clearly did not value my presence. I felt better alone at my home without that energy around me. It hurt being in that space. He didn’t try to stop me at this point.
Totally relate indiglowsky. I’ve had lonely times post discard but it doesn’t compare to how lonely I was when I was still involved with him. At least now I’m not re-traumatizing myself by being around him. There’s no new pain. Only past pains to deal with.
he can’t have been a good narc if he didn’t make you sell your home 🙂
My friend has ‘finally’ sold hers, he kept nagging and nagging for months. I have realised he is a narc recently (thanks to this blog), but she won’t believe, too late.
They always want you to quit your job and sell your house – :rolleyes:
Hi Brian,
Well, that is where I come in. You see, I am a very strong and independent woman with my own “powers”. No one, not even a narcissist makes me “do”. Even when ensnared, I am strong. Plus, I am very protective of my money. Now, with that said, we were in process of moving together (we were engaged and house looking), when I realized what he was and started planning my eventual leaving him. Yep, I escaped, before the 2 year mark.
Good for you, so you recognized some weird behaviours, looked them up online and got your answer?
Hi Brian,
My clinical supervisor suggested HG when I shared my experience with her. I was toying with the idea of narcissism but he was complicated in how he presented and I was resistant to even try to think in diagnoses about someone I loved. I am also a clinician and it is not ethical for me to diagnose loved ones. I suspected other things, my specialty is with BPD, mood disorders and Autism. What they teach you about NPD in grad school is no where near the level that HG has here. It is soooo needed. I work with a group of psychologists and therapists and they also helped me stay strong as well. They kept me accountable when I wanted to give another chance. Red flags were up early. Still was painful, a very painful process as I did love him. But, not as drawn out as it could have been, thankfully!! Less than 2 years is getting off better than some. How about you, Brian? How did you find yourself here? Did you have an ex with NPD as well?
Hope you are doing well these days 🙂
Indy
I was totally lost and started watching videos on spirituality. Then I found a video talking about a ‘jezebel spirit’. The video commenters were saying: “this isn’t demonic it’s just NPD.”.
So then I read everything I could about it and it explains everything.
I’ve gone back to thinking there is a spiritual dimension to this though.
When I went to marriage therapists I was thinking that I was the crazy one and the things that were happening were so subtle that I couldn’t even describe them. I can now though! 🙂
Hi Brian,
I’d like to hear your thoughts on the spiritual side of this journey! 😊
It’s a long story,
I have heard accounts where people attest to the existence of demon spirits.
Some even talk about how they are the source of all human creativity, ever heard of someone writing book from channeling?, that type of thing.
So I was just thinking this is a psychological condition for a long time, but then I actually tried to do something to a narcissist which they are famous for, I acted in a negative way, pretending they didn’t exist for a day or two.
It gave me a surge of pleasure and a feeling of power. Although I have no evidence for this, I believe this is a temptation or some kind of spiritual influence that tempts people into doing negative things, starting arguments, to get this pleasure.
Ah, Brian, you got the taste of negative fuel! I can see where some spiritually oriented folks (particularly of the Judeo-Christian bend) might relate it to the battle of temptation (good versus evil spirits in battle over your soul). Beware, though, as your ex-narcicist may have gotten at minimum some thought fuel from you and if you made facial expressions, all the more fuel. Just FYI. LOL But I totally understand that feeling of wanting to do it, the taste of that negative fuel can be sweet.
I see the situation you share as the experience of you trying to take back some power a giving a taste of the ole medicine. It DOES feel good to feel like you have power in a seemingly powerless position. Over time, though, this manner of being is not suited for empathic individuals. It can poison us. Energetically speaking. Some may label it as “evil” energy where I would see it as potentially “destructive” energy. It ultimately hurts us in the long run. With that said, oooooo, it is so delish when in the moment, huh?
Here is what I had done when feeling like you did: I started mirroring my ex-narcissist prior to my leaving, thinking if he felt the pain that I felt, he would stop. It was a short term solution that did not persist. I would start distancing myself, removing my energy in all forms, and at first he made tiny efforts to draw me back in….promises, future faking, kind words….with little follow through in action. So, I would do it again, I would last minute cancel on him, etc, etc. The gains were minimal. Only when I left and went no-contact did he beg, plead, show remorse (albeit fake), and try to get me back like crazy. I have kept no contact and slowly, my dignity and my own energy built back. I am still healing, it has been 9 months.
Those of us that sense energy or spiritual things often just have gut feelings. Know what is right for you! 🙂
oh wow, that is quite interesting to hear what happens when you do those behaviours.
I see negative fuel like cigarettes.
I had a cigarette once and then never again.
A lot of people get temporary comfort from going outside for a smoke though 🙂
Another reason I see it as spiritual is because it doesn’t make sense why that would be such a stress reliever as opposed to doing the opposite:discussing things and resolving issues.
Agreed, it is much more my preference to do it in an adult manner. I view that view as more psychologically minded. Spiritually, I view it as a way to maintain inner peace. Something that is near impossible to do when fully engaged in a narcissistic relationship unless you leave, set boundaries and if you HAVE to interact with the person for some reason, maintain emotional composure.
The situation with my ex narcissist, I almost felt this urge to “win” some battle that he started. I love debates as I am naturally competitive (one of my more “narcissistic” traits, even though I am an empath I do have certain narcissistic traits in me, as most healthy balanced folk, truly, or we would be doormats), he just took it to a whole other level. If I look deeper though, he also triggered my inner battle as well. I had to learn to not engage. A good lesson for me! I am grateful for it. I am not a fighter, unless messed with enough. I am like that slow to anger(not many see my anger), but once angry, look out person. LOL
I like your comparison to it being like an unhealthy habit.
Yes, I used to like debates , until I learnt they are just a tool to extract fuel, to escalate the situation.
When I talk to a reasonable person it is enjoyable actually.
I am dealing with being told that I need to go to a psychologist at the moment. There is an article on this website which talks about that exact situation :0
Indeed, sometimes they flip the script 😉
Brian, maybe HG channels his books. 😉
But seriously: I enjoy your comments.
thanks 😉
Me too, I’m a strong woman inside. 🙂
How my journey started to end up here was I thought to google psychopathy, and the first definition was from Wikipedia, it was dry but it rang a small bell. I put it on the shelf for a while, and I knew there had to be more amateur explanation online on a forum somewhere. I googled it again, and then I found the book Psychopath Free, the forum, and I started exploring the forum first, the sticky posts and discussions.
Then I downloaded the book, and there it was..
You see, he never truly hurt me, because I was secondary or a shelf source, until that is when I got a new car, and it had tires slashed, and then a few times in a row flat tires in the morning, at the same time he didn’t have the car after an accident anylonger. There couldn’t be any coincidence. I didn’t think he would ever hurt me, until then, and then I realized all the things he did to others weren’t because they were bad to him, but because he was bad to them.
I remember it was October 2014, the beginning of my freedom from all sorts of burdens throughout my life so far.
Then I started to listen to many accounts of similar abuse on YouTube, from one person to another. But nothing compares to the level of understanding I reached by reading HG.. 😉
Everything makes sense, it’s the truth, and only the truth will set you free.
This sounds like the story of my life …
☹️I’m sorry, Amy. Sometimes I feel like that, too. Getting rid of any toxicity, mainly people, helps with loneliness. You end up loving yourself more and somehow that leads to feeling less lonely. At least that’s been a part of my journey. I hope that doesn’t sound like a platitude. I hate platitudes.
Thank you, 12345. No, it doesn’t sound like a platitude at all. I appreciate your kind words. This blog helps me a lot and I’m glad I have found it – so many of you here going through the same thing. There isn’t anybody I could turn to, and even if I did nobody would believe. At least here we are all in the same boat.
I wouldn’t say it’s a platitude. It’s quite true. To love oneself is a strong trait and learning to just be with yourself, exploring yourself, and confrontation of your own journey/shortcomings is very important. Such is life.