What You Swore Before
I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.
50 thoughts on “What You Swore Before”
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Never again.
18 months, HG? Where is she in the devalue/discard scale?
You are mistaken if you believe that she was yearning for his return. There is nothing special about him, it has nothing to do with him, it could have been anyone of these liars. She is yearning for something that was taken from her long before she met him. The narc is just the symptom. The narc is irrelevant, in fact.
This is the sad truth. I had him so high up on a pedestal he never deserved. He is a nobody in the end. The waste of what might have been a brilliant mind and person. Its easy to get lost on the background story of his life. But the truth is he knows right from wrong and he knows he is full of shit. Thats what makes it so horrifying to me. Its one thing to accidentally cause harm and hurt but he was fully aware and it was entirely intentional. That makes him a monster in my opinion.
Yes, they know right from wrong. Unforgivable.
In my supernova moment, I presented his true self to him and forced him to look into the mirror. Narcs are very good at telling you all about *your* shortcomings, but they start hyperventilating if it’s done to them.
Now, he is the most polite, respectful man one could wish for… one could almost forget what he said and did… I cannot forget… and judging the situation based on my knowledge, it was highly likely that he returned to his old, disrespectful ways in a matter of weeks if I gave in, plus the payback for the current silent treatment. ‘Thank you’, but ‘no, thank you’. 🙂
Yes, they are free range all over you from the get go, in subtle ways which escalates over time to blatant hypocrasies and criticisms. But you return the favor? Rage attacks, justifications, “nothing wrong with me!” massive denial. For rich silver spooned upper middle class narcs like HG, they have enough to back up their illusions to make it harder for them to see. But for those that have none such trappings, the failed state of their lives doesn’t seem to tell them a story: failed marriages, alienated children, serious alcohol addictions, sex addiction, perversions, debt, friendships they go through over and over, and more. No, nothing wrong with them. I told the narc last he doesn’t fool me, I see the deep pain in him and his superficial facade is false and I wish him heeling. Rage followed. Funny how he used mention of his own suffering and struggles in the beginning to pitch his pity plays and fuilt trips, but when I brought it up as in “don’t you want a better life?” he is now All Fine, doesn’t need help, nothing wring with him.
He could never fake good behavior with me as that would be a concession to me he would never make. He is justified in his head for treating me as horribly as he did and I deserve worse in his head as pay back for my betraying him after he horribly betrayed me (his first betrayal didn’t count of course, mine does of course) so that is where it kept going especially as I refused to back down or give in and play lets pretend he isn’t an abusive a*****.
Yes, it is easier to see the failings of a Lesser, they are obvious even to the untrained eye. My upper Mid-Ranger was middle class, well educated etc… his failings were of the spiritual, emotional kind.
I also refused to give in, and to abandon who I was and what I felt. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.
But there’s one thing I would handle differently, and that is the *amount of time* spent battling a narc. It drains you of your life forces, yet to him it is entertainment! These days, in my life in general, I give one warning and act without further ado if it fell on deaf ears. Done. No more talking until you’re blue in the face, no more listening to excuses, just done.
Yes, that was such a wastenof time. You just can’t fathom that someone has no conscience and is so stupid until the education sets in that they knew what they were doing. No matter, I don’t have to hear the details to know his life has stepped down yet another notch. And rather than feel any empathy or compassion, I am allowing it to ‘fuel’ me as my life is going better and better now. But the wasted time…. thiugh I understand it was all connected to the head/heart battles. Head won at last even if heart still is bruised.
The difficulty is to understand a modus operandi which is so *alien* to anything we have ever known or believed in. Knowledge is power, indeed.
I am not sure if I will ever truly recover, the pain is profound. BUT he has not won either… because I cut all ties and walked away for good. Not one drop of fuel from me ever again – a punishment that fits the crime.
Good to hear that you are well on your path to healing… once the ‘head vs. heart’ battle is won, it gets easier 🙂
Hg,
Do u believe the Never Again from your stance changes with the knowledge of how corroded abusive and things given were stolen the experience truly was.
There is always a risk but you are able to manage that risk far more effectively when you have the correct knowledge to use, which I supply you with.
Actually my hair is red…
G 😮
were was the bar?
What are your thoughts on narcissistic victim syndrome?
It is not something I have studied although I am well aware of the effects of what I do and what my kind do, on our victims, so to describe it as a syndrome seems entirely appropriate to me.
Awesome
True.
😢
HG
If all your supplies they back to you, it means that you have a lot of option.
Why are you single?
I’m not.
Why the hell did I believe you were single? My naivety never ceases to amaze me. I really believed you were single 😲 Not that it matters but I should know by now not to assume anything.
This song reminds me of narcissists…
https://youtu.be/_QUq72fla3o
I thought you said you were single.
For how long have you been with her? Do you have kids?
Does she know about your books?
If she is still with you knowing who you really are, you should really threat her good.
No (unless you were that red head I was talking to in that bar on Thursday then yes I did say that).
Around 18 months or so.
No.
No.
She doesn’t.
You do have a soft spot for red head women Mr.Tudor , yes? 😉 Is Lesley ( It)red head as well? And what about your ex wife?I read somewhere that her fav colours are violet and green – is she red head too? Don’t need to answer if I’m being to nosy.
This is so true.
nicole, that is powerful.
HG have you encounter women that are immune to your bs, women who do not put up with any of your behavior, women who walk away easily, women who refused to be infected by you and woman who are just not interested in you? Or are you always successful in your ensnarement? How do you handle that?
BS? You must mean Brilliant Sentences. No, nobody is immune because every battle is won before it is ever fought.
Ah but you would say that, wouldn’t you HG? I’m sure every predator has there one (s) that got away ie the ones who were on to you from the off.
I did no contact the right way. I didn’t tell him I was done or wouldn’t be back. I said nothing. I moved, and he doesn’t know my address. I have changed my number. I blocked and deleted every mutual friend we had, changed my social media and blocked him and all his/our friends. I haven’t been the subject of a Hoover because he hasn’t been able to find me. And I work somewhere that requires 24/7 security and no visitors without the expressed consent of mgmt. I changed my routine. I don’t go to the same places. When I said never again-I didn’t have to tell him. I just told myself.
Very cool. In hindsight…. My self-defense mechanism was too broken for me to do that all though I read about it daily as advice offered survivors. I just was caught in the ‘never again’ mode primarily as I could just not believe he was such a horrid person to me in the end. Darn if I don’t sound like what HG describec about narcs announcing their victim status. But it was true. I had a witness to alot of what he did and a more neutral assessment that he is quite ugly. I think I am finally feing free after three long years of immense pain from someonr so irrelevany and from behavios rather trivial. Vut congrats on such a slick response.💯
“I had a witness to alot of what he did and a more neutral assessment that he is quite ugly. ”
Same…
Nicole
Good job. No need to say-just do. And dont dwell on the possibility, but hold onto thst resolve even if he does eventually find your whereabouts and youll be fine.
I will not be going back. When I was 18 and I broke up with my first Narc bf, it was different. I had no idea what Narcissism was but I believed he and I were soulmates. When told me, used those very words, 30 years later, I fell. Hard. Fortunately I know now what he is and that I will never go back. Life is too short, time too precious to waste anymore on him.
My story. Didn’t grasp he was a sociopath already ages ago so was clueless round two.
How is your situation now Sarabella?
G–
The excruciating pain is gone. I still find my mind stuck around things that pop up here and there. I feel bruised and battered on so many levels but I am ok. The pain that drove alot of behaviors is gone but alot of things still pop up once in a while. Namely, how come no tells young kids that sociopaths are already sociopaths at 17?! I have had to come to terms with what he did on Round 1 set me up with such a effed up view of love and relationships. I was too young and isolated to tell anyone what had happened and why and how it so deeply affected me. Its mind boggling that I ever believed a word out of his immature lying mouth. And still that he expected me to be ok with what he did and to elect to be a part of his sick little harem and lifestyle. He still lives in me but its only a bit more time. Something happened to him (it was good online pity play fodder) and I felt bad then slowly turned it into fuel for me. I feel great something so shitty happened to him and its fueling me enough to step up higher on top of him energetically. What sad, sad story. could have been the stuff of a beautiful story if he had meant one word and had been able to back any of who he pretended to be. It would have been a hugely healing gift to us both but it was all a lie. Still shocks my soul sometimes
Never again will I be manipulated by a narc. Any narc. Thanks to me I can now truly say I love myself enough to fulfill my own dreams and desires, so your mirror is broken as far as I’m concerned. I don’t need it.
My inner peace is coming along nicely too, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt anxious. I’m grateful to the narc ex for helping me along the way. If it wasn’t for him I’d still be lonely. Now, even when I’m alone, I’m no longer lonely.
Hmmm.. these words, yes at first for a very long time yes they were true indeed, and I was haunted. Now though… yes I have my days of weakness, ( and I did break no contact once recently by minimally answering a text)but is it missing him or missing companionship? I am thinking the latter. I am much happier without the constant games, anxiety and mind fucks. I am so much more at peace in who I am and the wonderful people who are in my life. I will never subject myself to that kind of dynamic again. Even if it means being single for the rest of my life.Not worth it.
Not us, though HG. Not your readers. We’ve seized the power and know what to look for. We delete/block/ignore & detach from anyone we meet that remotely matches the criteria of your brethen. You’ve given us the power and we WILL – and DO use it. Thank you
This is so true!
Thanks to HG I am now never ever opening Pandora’s box again! After a huge and nasty Hoover a week ago, that was intended to hit reset, without apologies for the passed (Months of ST, lies and theft), I did not fall for it!
First I was everywhere with my feelings and hope of closure or reconciliation was near.. but instead of falling for it I blocked him and went on a holiday with a friend and our kids.
For the first time in years he was not stuck in my heart and mind… on the contrary .. thanks to HG the N will never come close again.
I and my dear friend was actually laughing at his attempts .. we cross checked ever word he wrote with HGs books and there are truly NARC MANUALS!!!
Before I found this place YES I have said never but was open for the fuel hoovers that he executed on me!
Thank you ❤️
Oops, I did it again.. last year, And only for one reason, and that is to study him and his narc family for my research. I’m not afraid to do it again, because the things I know about this disorder healed the trauma. Now i only want to push things in motion to help your kind heal.
Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to scour for fuel every day?
I know that you want to feel like us really bad, but you won’t admit to it.
ED,
This comment touched me. Idealism seems like a practice in futility at times when it comes to this dynamic. I lived many years among the lesser of narcs and experienced them more than once in my lifetime. Including a mid range. While the need to heal can draw us in, at times I wonder if that possibility is really that far out of the box. Nice to see I’m not alone in these thoughts.
It’s absolutely in the box, KDB. Hey, we put men on the moon, we explore space, we developed some really sophisticated technology. We’re still evolving and becoming more intelligent. There’s no reason why we can’t get rid of the root of all evil: narcissism.
Yes, we can and we will. We live on a piece of rock surrounded by millions of light years of pure vacuum. All the answers to all problems on this planet, are on this planet.
Can you imagine all the people living in peace?
Can you imagine what the world would look like today if not all the narcissist tyrants who wrought havoc and still do?
Can you imagine what your life would look like today if it wasnt derailed by the abuse and machinations of all the narcissists around you?
They are everywhere, I see them, I can now detect them pretty quickly.
Even those who don’t seem to be close enough, who are at the tertiary distance can derail your life, force you to change your plans, etc.
For example, the manager at my loft building has decided to force me out of lease because I complain too much (criticism). She has been doing everything she could, smearing me to my neighbors, lying, playing games, etc because I complained the heat wasn’t on because she’s stealing money appropriated by the owner of the building for heating.
It’s just one of many examples.
The near collapse of the financial system in the US was caused by this kind. The racial war between the white and the black people, of which scars are visible in every corner in Detroit. It’s starting to heal after the Obama administration, signs of recovery are becoming more frequent, and everywhere here, and I believe across America.
We can heal the wounds, but we must first heal them. They are not evil, there is no evil, they are not whole, not healthy.
So what I have found in my research, not wanting to leave you empty handed, and appear delusional.. which if someone said something like this a year ago, I’d think they are delusional at best, is that narcissism boils down to the lack of high spectrum emotions, or positive emotions.
There is a reason why those emotions don’t form in certain individuals.
And then the fact that everything that takes place in our body is a result of DNA, for some reason emotions don’t get printed into the protein of brain neurons. This may be that the DNA sequence responsible for printing of emotions is missing or broken, or foreign. The biggest problem is to identify which sequence this is, and then go about fixing it using enzymes to cut it out or repair it.
We’re already doing it, it’s called gene therapy. In the hopefully near future we’ll be bringing our genome charts to the doctors office.
I think I know what is responsible for the missing emotion protein, which DNA sequence it is. It’s been identified by scientists but they do not know it also causes narcissism, because they are testing rats that don’t have high spectrum emotions. So the analysis of the problem needs to be purely based on logic embedded in objective reality.
The most important fact that we can all agree on is that narcissism is the root of all evil. Evil has been identified. That’s a huge first step.
There is no absolute evil, evil is local. And it can be fixed.
I believe also that the same genetic sequence may be responsible for a few other problems including cancer.
Yes but each time I gain more knowledge I gather more strength and I don’t stay nearly as long. And with your help HG stronger than I ever have before because you make everything so clear
Notwithstanding-new word of the month. Last was “accordingly.” I like this one!😏
NO
Every thing is better without. I will never go back .
The probability is basically 0.
I have never been so sure.