The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6
At the outset, the sex was off the charts. You would not describe yourself as promiscuous but neither have you lived as a nun. You have had numerous, if not extensive sexual partners and you know what works for you and you know what does not and it certainly worked with us. Now, of course not all of our kind are sexual Olympians, dedicated sexperts who are well-versed in the art of orgasmic sexual congress. You can discount the Victim Narcissist from such attainment straight away. Cerebrals, well they will talk a good game and will perform reasonably well, but as soon as there is no need to maintain, then they will not, but it would not be described as earth-shattering. Not all Somatics and Elites are necessarily going to make the world move, but most do and if you have been ensnared by one of these cadres then sex was sensational.
Then it wasn’t.
There is no interest shown in having sex with you or if there is, it is perfunctory and all about our needs and yours are just ignored, which is most bewildering after the triple A performances you once received.
Sex just isn’t the same. Not at all. It has gone off the boil and then frozen. The bedroom is an icy wilderness but oddly we are now ensconced in our bolthole until late at night. Some snooping reveals an extensive porn browsing history taking in all manner of different sexual tastes. You hear us make comments about other women or men (dependent on orientation) and people who appear on television or films are given an appraisal in terms of sexual appeal and what we would like to do with them. The libido appears alive and well. Just not with you.
You raise this turn of events with a confidante and explain how once it was all nosebleed inducing orgasms, hijinks from the chandeliers and extensive couplings through the night. You then details how you are lucky if you get a kiss. You offer that there appears to be no loss of interest in sex per se from us, our browser history confirms this, but there is clearly a loss of interest in engaging in sexual congress with you. Whoever it is you have turned to nods in understanding and pronounces that the way to get things back on track is for you to broaden your sexual horizons and this will put the spark back in to the relationship.
No it will not.
When sex is removed from the equation it is not the consequence of familiarity with the same body and the same techniques deployed that might affect the sexual activity of a healthy couple. It is not the fact that one or both parties is tired, stressed, worried the children will walk in, not feeling as attractive because they have gained weight/not had chance to shower/needs to engage in some pubic topiary etc. The sex has not dwindled through this common reasons which are symptomatic of a long-lasting relationship. No, the sex has been removed because it is not a manifestation of affection or love from us, but it is a weapon.
Giving you great sex is a weapon.
Removing that great sex is a weapon.
It is done to gain fuel and to control you.
Accordingly, your devaluation has occurred because your fuel is stale/not frequent enough/not copious enough and thus sex is withdrawn to provoke a reaction from you so you give us negative fuel.
If you try harder to engage with us sexually, if you suggest different activities be it role-playing, watching porn together, using different techniques, dressing up, introducing some kinks and so forth as part of this attempt to broaden your sexual horizons and thus introduce the spark into the relationship again this is what will happen.
- You signal to us that our withdrawal of sexual interest has really begun to have an impact. All we will then do is decide to maintain it. So no matter how much new and desirable lingerie you wear, no matter if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel, no matter how hard you try to be seductive and alluring it will be thrown in your face for the purposes of extending your devaluation and your provision of negative fuel.
- You will also open yourself up to the exploitation of your now more liberal attitude. We will not accept what you have suggested but instead push it further with a view to finding some kind of sexual activity which we know you do not want to engage in but your desperation to please and to try will mean that you will go along with it. Dependent on your threshold, this might mean a threesome, group sex, water sports, rough sex, humiliation games, sex in public places, sex on camera to be broadcast across the internet and much more besides. Your reluctant agreement to engage in this will be seized on and you will be subjected to a range of unpleasant sexual behaviours which we will revel in forcing you into for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you all done with the comment “You said you wanted to try something new.”
- We will see this as a green light to open up further fuel lines by getting your approval to allow other people into our sexual activities, forcing you to sleep with other people as we watch, or allowing us to plough a furrow elsewhere and then tell you about it. This will all be done to enable us to gain fuel from these Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and/or Intimate Partner Tertiary Sources and to draw further negative fuel from you because of your reaction to this. You will go along with it but because of your empathic traits which cater to decency, honesty and fidelity, your reaction will vary from quiet dismay to out and out horror at what we have been doing and what we expect you to do.
Offering to broaden your sexual horizons with our kind is to open yourself up to further abuse through the maintenance of the sexual famine and/or the imposition of unpleasant and unsavoury sexual activities as a consequence of our need for fuel and also the maintenance of control over you. Sex, owing to its relationship to love and intimacy for many people of an empathic nature, means it is weapon ripe for exploitation by us. Where you receive the erroneous advice of the ignorant it will only result in further abuse and hurt for you.
To understand in detail the attitude of the narcissist to sex, Sex and the Narcissist is a fascinating insight into the sexual dynamic between narcissist and victim.
UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Narcissist-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01B8NKS4A
US http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
CAN http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
AUS http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
233 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6”
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Love, no one is ever immuned to the abuse. There is always the possibility that some can withstand levels of it, but abuse is abuse for a reason.. there is no immunity. You can fight it, you can withstand a level of it, but it keeps on coming and so we fall under the weight of it eventually. It becomes overbearing, too much to withstand.
I fought my narc and eventually broke free (to the point that he knows he can not hoover me and has prefered to move on fully now as all he will get from attempting hoovers is more narc injuries) but the weight of the abuse has left me in fight or flight mode for over a year after I left him and the PTSD is there and may never go away… it’s become a self-defense mechanism…or maybe it always was and just awakened from millenia of slumber while human kind is mostly “safe” in society… so PTSD being the survival instinct we all have had when we had to live in caves and hunt whooly mammoths. The anxiety comes and goes too. He may have awoken them by his behaviors but those are my own demons. I am turning those demons into tools of survival and I am learning to harness and control them instead of letting them control me. Not an easy thing to do by any means but I know my worth now and I know there is a warrior in me. I’m also no longer blind to my own worth… something that was driven into me after I left him. I found myself with no choice but to open my eyes, see and accept the reality of what I was still blind to.
This is a support group of sorts despite it’s origins and lack of true anonymity… There is support wherever there are survivors and victims all interacting with one another, giving encouragement, giving survival techniques and resources by just sharing our stories, or even just bits and pieces of it. There is emotional support on the very basis that we’ve all gone through this and that a few still are.
as for illegal/unlawful postings of videos on any site you can contact the administrators/owners of the site and explain to them that it was posted without your consent and they can push for it’s removal… however your ex still has the video then they can continue to post elsewhere… you would have to sue him in court (if it’s possible where you live) and have him need to prove the destruction of every copy he has of it… and that still leaves gaps… once a video of you exists, there is no certainty all of it’s copies are deleted and.. once something is on the internet, even if deleted, a skilled hacker can still get their hands on it… once something is on the internet, it’s in the public eye.
As for HG’s motives and whether he laughs, gains fuel, etc, those are his options but he would not gain any of it if he was rude or cruel to us as we would stop interacting and he would lose out and no longer gain anything from this. He has gained anonymous popularity and the gratefulness of many and a form of power by doing so. More power to him for it, but none of that deters from the fact that yes the comment section of this site is a sort of support group now. Whether it was the original intent or not matters very little. It would not be the first project someone has had that has grown into it’s own entity/phenomenon. Some creations grow far more then the creator ever planned, which is usually a good thing 🙂
There is no reason to fight one-another. Let’s not feed the trolls on here. Though I suppose that gives HG fuel too… otherwise he would tell us all to stop bickering… grin… I laughed so much at HG’s commentary in the comments though… angle grinder hahahahaha!!!
That said, the nudge and bullying into joining them in sexual deviancy can wear down a lot of barriers and boundaries… I was very lucky his “convincing” me of certain things was defeated by other factors. I still can’t believe how naive I was and how much it could have cost me. It should have been a huge clue to run the other way and that he had no respect for me but… I was too young and naive back then to realize it was a huge glowing red flag saying “I’m selfish and I don’t care about you at all”. I know better now.
we all know our walls and barriers crumble for a sex god… that said I think my concerns for STD’s have put them back up now… sorry HG but I will not be joining you any time soon 😉 you may be immune to disease but i’m not, as charming as you might be…
i’ve got my eyes on a different kind of sex god once my divorce is final… one that loves to love and isn’t going to discard or devalue me and has no desire for sexual deviancy… boring you might claim? not one bit!
as for the holders of those sex tapes, they are most likely enjoying them greatly and not breathing a word to anyone for fear they might be taken away from them 😄
of course you’ve never filmed yourself HG, you would not want any proof out there you are a sexual Olympian… blackmail possibilities et all… even if the amount of fuel you would get from that would be staggering I’m sure 😉
funny you only sleep 4 hours a night HG.. the narc i broke free from only slept about 4 to 6 hours a night too… I wonder now if that’s typical of narcs…
Mona- Thank you 🙂
I can smell freedom!
PurpleRibbonHealing,
although I know, it hurts very much, maybe, they have seen too much violence in all the years of your relationship with him and they are “infected” and can only see his opinion, have his worldview at the moment . Maybe that is the reason. I know that hurts and it hurts much more in your desperate situation! Do not make the failure and close the door for them. At the moment it is important that you care for yourself. There is time enough to talk with your adult children later. Step by step. It could be that they change their mind, when you show that you leave him and live a better life. It could be they wake up. It could be that they accuse you. They have deep wounds too. There is a lot to clarify. But that has time! And then you and your children need help to talk to each other. I really do not know what will happen, but all I know you have to go. Respect yourself and start a new life without this man. (Easier said than done I know) I wish you the very best on your way out.
12345- There is nothing good that will come of it Brian. I am out of the centre and whenever he is in the middle, there is trouble. How can adult children become so brainwashed? I am deeply saddened.
12345
APRIL 19, 2017 AT 5:18 PM
How can you blame them for being brainwashed when you yourself were brainwashed?
12345 Please read carefully. The key word is adult children.
Wooooow. You trained them at a young age. That is the imprint you gave them. Now they are adults. Your blame is sorely misplaced.
12345- Woohah you are a real happy pill. You are so much like the narc- you will happily drown a person when they are gasping for air. Nice to meet you, too!
I never diminished your abuse Purple. All I did was take up for your children and I would do the same again.
Have you ever considered that I unlike you was not raised in this and perhaps, just perhaps I went out into the world unaware that men could be such rotters. Who can you blame now? My parents for not equipping me with the skills necessary to scan predators because I was a loving and trusting human full of life, hope and dreams of a having a family similar that represented what I grew up with. I have spoken about this with many women that suffered no abuse during their childhood and they too were taught forgiveness, loyalty, dependability, stick at a relationship and iron out the wrinkles. My generation was one that firstly and foremostly purchased their first, second, third homes early in life and one that traditionally raised a family without tossing their infants into daycare from 6 am to 6pm every weekday to give a stranger bonding time with their child/ren. That is what it takes to purchase a home in todays climate and couples see each other briefly in transit. I did not come from that and was a very devoted mother and a loving partner. I came from a belief system and culture that we are trying to break through today due to the domestic violence that is wrecking so many lives. A breaking down of norms and cultural views such as (you don’t speak about domestic violence, you should not let others know your business, you should try and try to get along, etc etc etc). Maybe it is your blame that is misplaced because we are still represented by traditionalist culture and until the last generations are all gone and what has been handed down from a patriarch mode of thinking, there is a long way to go so you should have more than enough subjects to kick or drown within your reach.
You just addressed everything from buying a house to daycare. Again, all I pointed out was the fact that you can’t imagine how your kids were brainwashed and that you won’t be there for them when they eventually learn what he is. You try to drown me with another lengthy response and I will say the same thing again. You blame your children for making the very same mistakes you’ve made. So, let me have it. I’ll say the same thing.
12345- You don’t get to speak for me. There you go again….the All I pointed out was…..redflag. (All I said was=N)
I don’t care what you think.
12345- GOOD! LIKEWISE!
12345- Your kind does not care because victim blaming women is what many women to do to other women, yet those same women fall victim to where the inequality of power lay and fall right into the hands as narcissist’s engage your kind to silence women with the only two ultimatums commonly used to deny any accountability to the man she loved and forgave more than you can demonstrate to victims. Such victims may know him innately enough to now just how dangerous he is and will stop at nothing when he writes till death us do part, she knows that he means something a little more sinister and around 70 percent of women know something that you don’t.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo&w=560&h=315%5D
You gotta let this go Purple. I’m going to say it again. You have stated repeatedly that you will not be there for your children when they return to you. They have been ensnared by the same man you are ensnared by but because they didn’t heed your “advice” you plan to abandon them if they return. You’re sick. I will always advocate for abused children and you have had a hand in abusing yours by closing the door on them. If you are so offended by my opinion then don’t read it. As I’ve said many times now, I will always have the same response.
12345- Rubbish, repeatedly is an exaggeration that you are using, as it was not repeatedly said.
Abandon them if they return- how does that work? Word twister, sister!
You are certifiably crazy Purple. You do everything but address what you yourself said. I stated my opinion. You do not like it. That is fine. I stand by what I have said. And you’ve already abandoned them so you are right. You can’t really abandon them again when they return. Can you get past having a difference of opinion or are you going to continue to spiral out of control?
12345 I shall pray to God that you are exempt from working with abused women.
Yes, you do that Purple. Because I am where your focus is 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Pathetic.
Do you suffer from abandonment issues?
Are you asking me that with the belief that you don’t? If you were truly as brilliant as you think you are about abuse then you would know that one of the core reasons you are still ensnared is due to fear of abandonment which is completely understandable. All victims of abuse fear abandonment. Was asking me that designed to be an insult because it certainly wasn’t an authentic expression of genuine care about my personal suffering of anything.
12345- No fear whatsoever of abandonment. What a blessing it would be to remove a monkey off my back!!!!!!If only N would depart, I would not have to be going through the hard path now, would I?
The narc would depart? That’s your job, babe.
I2345- I am sorry that you hold your mother accountable and sorry that you have been hurt enough to hold her accountable and I don’t know your story. However, you are coming in blind and do not know my case unless you are privy to information that you should not have you seem very familiar and would know that hyper-vigilance, hyper-awareness go hand in hand with abuse. There is no such thing as a coincidence may be something to ponder on. Each to their own thoughts regarding that!
I’m finished with responding to you with this post. PLEASE focus on the mess you are in and not me. Put your energy into leaving the situation you are in instead of me. You need serious intense help. Had I known that you were so crazy I would have NEVER interacted with you. That’s just the chance we take on the internet. You take care of yourself ok Purple?
Oh and by the way…your YouTube link doesn’t work unless you were wanting me to watch various music videos or movie trailers 😉 I honestly don’t have the time but thanks!
Oh good! The video popped up on wordpress. You just do not get it Purple. I am well versed on the reasons victims stay and have complete grace and mercy for them. The ONLY thing I have addressed was your complete failure to see that your children (the people that came out of your body and watched all your abuse) are victims too! You have stated repeatedly that you PLAN to turn your back on them. Can you find a Ted Talks video about trauma bonds? Enough about your children though….lets talk about you some more.
12345- You are repeating.
No shit I’m repeating! I’ve consistently stated the exact same thing thru this entire thread each time you’ve assaulted me with another avalanche of words that have nothing to do with what you’ve said about your children. We simply do not agree. Are you able to accept that and let it go? You have enough to worry about rather than continuing to rage against a total stranger in another country. You have called me a narc and an abuser of women among other things. I honestly don’t care what you think of me because I know exactly who I am. I have no doubt that you will respond with another insult so have at it. I’m sorry Purple. I just don’t care.
12345 Turn it around all you want, perhaps it is that you are sounding very similar to a bully at present and act very con (trolling) Au Revoir. Run with your brilliance!
You think I’m a troll? Oh ok. You come back after days of already replying to me and then add more to your reply! That’s trolling. Anyone can read this thread and see that I have been consistent in every single post. You may not like what I say but at least I’ve been consistent. You post about everything from your delicate beautiful bones to cars and houses and mortgages. God I wish there was a way to block people on WordPress.
12345- You forgot to say Amen.
That wasn’t a prayer you freak.
“when their step-father pulled them in against my better advice.” So if “advice” kept people from getting involved with narcs then you should be free. The more you say, the worse you make yourself look. Again, mercy for yourself but none for them.
12345 You keep looking for those words now, fish them out and use them at your will. There is nothing that you can say that will change what has happened so take your kickboxing class down the road and put your boots into someone today. Might make you feel better!
You wrote the words not me. All I did was stand up for your horrible children. Someone needs to.
12345 So if “advice” kept people from getting involved with narcs then you should be free. All well and said after the event! There were signs when i look back but as I was taught to look for the best in people the insidious abuse from a narcissist crept in until they have you hooked. Emotionally, psychologically, economically, spiritually and I will say physically because you do not know the why’s and wherefores but stand in judgement and condemnation and would serve yourself better beating up catholics as no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I will be free when it is safe to do so and in keeping with what I know best about what will trip, the trip meter I need to do this my way, so back off!
All I addressed was your comment about your children. You can’t seem to grasp that.
12345. You start with ….All I addressed was……..Paints a picture immediately of how you treat people. You just minimised. WHO ARE YOU?
I don’t care what you think.
“the insidious abuse from a narcissist crept in until they have you hooked. Emotionally, psychologically, economically, spiritually and I will say physically”. Couldn’t this have happened to your children too irregardless of the advice you gave them? Listen PRH, I will defend children raised in an abusive household to my death. My ONLY issue with anything you posted was that you would not be there for your children who have been victimized and traumatized by the same abuser you have. Frankly, I’ve said it at least 10 times and you just don’t get it because it’s all about you. This conversation has become pointless and boring so I’m going to bed. Best of luck to you.
PurpleRibbonHealing,
Hi and sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time now. If I understood you correctly, your children are *adults* now and they have been turned against you by their stepfather. This must be very painful for you. You have to protect yourself and should not tolerate their bullying. I hope you have a safe place to stay and friends to help you.
E.B. Thank you for clarifying the issue that I have expressed. Correct, spot on. Yes, adults and yes bullying to assist his control, you read write. Regardless of my taking responsibility toward the fact that they most obviously have been affected, bullying before my court hearing (that went well yesterday) including injuries received on the morning and pressure from bullying, I am of the belief that the barrage of texts and coercion are yes, wrong and unnecessary. I have friends and a very good system in place that are doing all within the framework of high risk to assist. There are legal and ethical considerations but I have faith in a wonderful team that DO KNOW how very difficult each and every individual situation is especially with very determined narcissists. Thank you for your support.
PurpleRibbonHealing,
at first try to get out of the situation. If your children want to stay with him, let them stay with him. I know that is very hard and I understand that you are disappointed but please do not blame them. They are not responsible for your life. They will find out after a while, what kind of father he really is. Say to them that it is ok, when they want to remain with their father. Say that there is always an open door for them, when they want to leave him. That is the only thing you can do at this moment. Plan your escape and go. Let the door open for your children. You are the adult and you have to be consequent. You cannot force them to support you or to decide which parent is the better one. You bring your children in a very bad position. Children are not the property of their parents and they were not born to rescue the adults.
Get out of that hell.
12345 Women have an enormous load on their shoulders and shattered sense of what is politically or socially apt in contrast to their truth. Our society places the blame game on women and I will demonstrate how. Our brains are hardwired to revictimise victims. If you have read and taken any notice at all of HG’s writing or read any of his books the man describes how heinously difficult they make an escape by their victims. Once escaped he also demonstrates how a narcissist, be that narcissist sociopath or whatever one may define their abuser, diagnosed or not and most likely not puts in extra effort to make such an escape something that will fail. Domestic violence statistics alone say that a woman will leave her abuser around seven times before she is finally free. There are variances in how coercive, how far an abuser will go to control the victim and the statistics for extremely high risk of murder equate with just before running and when the victim has already left their abuser. Domestic violence services realise this and know that I know my abuser far better than any other and I have written enough on this forum in honesty to define just how far my particular abuser will go to secure his control and that has left me with head injuries suffice to say enough that I cannot take another strike to my head or any foul play. In saying that many respond on autopilot such as yourself and the pressure and responsibility lays with women to move heaven and earth in the midst and aftermath of such an abuser who has done exactly what HG speaks of to invalidate my truth (hence manipulate the authorities and please read HG’s own confessions of how such an abuser will smear well ahead of time to ensure he has the upper hand and create a snare to discredit the victim for further power and control by the abuser. There are many examples of just how far such an abuser will go and this may be: Grooming children to become adults to side with the abuser so that when the victim is bleeding, is injured both the abuser and the grown child will band together in cohesion to make up an excuse for law enforcement. The typical excuse is (she did it to herself) and (she has mental health issues) she is looking for attention, she came home like that, we don’t know what happened to her, she, she, she, she until such a point that the abuser has manipulated any further calling to 000 due to his unfailing and humiliating underlying pathology that renders her injured, exhausted, broken, weak, confused, exploited and do think of this as his most highest of highs and his drug of dependence before victim shaming and blaming. The narcissist will do all in his power to groom children well before the victim knows this and this is insidious and undermines the mother of the child/ren behind her and under her not specifically infront of her. He is working on all and he leaves no stone unturned. He is scheming the entire time. Eg: Go and have a lay down, ME and the kids will watch a movie (that he chooses of course). Two hours= how many manipulations to the said child/ren? Multiply that over a month, a year, the next year and he has purposefully coerced children to be defiant, disrespect their mother (all in the name of ‘Dad is cool, he lets us stay up late on school nights, etc etc.’ Home wreckers are narcissists- enough manipulations and machinations delivered to coerce a young mind so that if she can make arrangements to leave she is confronted by unruly children that don’t want to go! They aim to wreck balance, they thrive on destroying children and they exhaust the one that is sensible and the one that must deal with it and the one that lives days and nights with no sleep trying to settle children that he will deliberately overstep everything healthy she has in place for them. That includes, her preparation of healthy food in favor for sugar laden food he will place right before their eyes to tempt them out of good habits, to bring them into codependency under him. He will use this to bring about rebelliousness, he will use it increase their body weight so that they lose self-esteem a self-esteem that was on the way to development and slice right through it with his defiance and anti-life for his victim/s. Every family outing will be for him, about him and not without him! Then comes the sledge hammer, hot cold hot cold, interest, disinterest, plans and promises, then the axing of the said plans and promises because they stayed up late!!!!!!!!! Please stop blaming women and point the finger where it belongs, we don’t have the same narcissist, we know more after the snake moved through everyone in the family after the fact! He keeps up a momentum that I can personally testify that is out of this world and it is up to our laws and those in power to protect us, to be fully trained in every single manipulative stance these predators use to control, stalk and invalidate the victim before we can expect any change in the way that we define abuse and fault.
Stephanie Farlow- The, It’s none of your f*ckng business thing must be rampant among them. Everyone that I have found to be a narcissist has said this to their victims, yet it is very much your business when it concerns something that is affecting you. They are something alright, not aliens just deceptive, liars that cannot get through life on their own because their own is stuck somewhere in a vault that they refuse to open and therefore the pain they deny is projected onto us. They are of fragile self esteem but boast in their artificial earthsuit a very fearful child I suppose that has allowed a monster to terrorise them into conversion of another superior model of the child they locked away in the cupboard of nothingness and blackness void of all contact and true connectivity.
I am very familiar with extensive childhood abuse Purple so I don’t need your schooling in that area. And I have read every blog of HG’s, watched every video and read almost every book he has published. I stand by what I said. You blaming your children for what you yourself alone have taught them is repugnant. You stayed and they watched you stay. You are not a greater victim than they are. You stated you would not be there for them when they came looking for you. You want mercy but offer them none.
12345- Therefore you condemn every woman who has stayed for what period of time is it that the condemnation coming from you is allowable or is it the first alarm bell that one must pack up children and go? I have given more forgiveness than is given and I draw the line at threats that come from adults who know very well what is crushing to me and they overstepped the line when threatening my property, thanks. Since then I have offered forgiveness and extended that but that does not mean that I can be treated in such a way when their step-father pulled them in against my better advice. You find repugnant the way I felt, that is tough luck because that is how I felt and I dare say if your property (vehicle) was threatened due to the triangulation that they were swept up in against such better advice how would you feel? You are victim bashing and using your childhood as the meter with which to guage (NO TOLERANCE FOR CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE HISTORICALLY THE NARCISSIST HAS BEEN IMMOVABLE). Removal of me = he would have forged more documents for guardianship and unless you have the $$$ to fight such, women here are under-represented or not represented at all as we face a Royal Commission into the Family Courts). Women in this country have and are forced by law to consent to the making of orders that include the father or significant adult that is included in the daily care of the child to have visitation. Often the visitation is in a setting called a supervised visit centre. A further large inquiry is at hand due to unsupervised visits where basically anyone, inlcuding I can register to be a superviser. Children are being given to their fathers to be re-sexually abused in so called supervision centres whilst supervisors are not even present!!!! Is that reasonable enough that you encourage the woman whose child is sexually abused as she has no access once supervised visits are at play, for leaving where her child is out of her watchful sight and care? Her fault again is it???? As I have stated there are various and prohibiting factors for some women and I thus far have not heard you lay responsibility onto the abusers but instead transferred or shifted blame as a narcissist does onto the mother because you blame your mother.
No, I don’t condemn every woman. Just you at the moment. You speak of your property and car being threatened? That’s disgusting. Yes, the abuser is responsible. What you don’t see is that you had a hand in that abuse. Bottom line, purple, your children learned from your behavior with the narc. You stated you will not be there for them if they try to return to you. Yes, that’s still repugnant to me. Feel free to write another post the length of a novel. It will not change what is true.
12345- You are not a greater victim than they are. You stated you would not be there for them when they came looking for you. You want mercy but offer them none.
You are not measuring are you? Good basket, bad basket and comparing who suffered more or less?
As a family unit, we suffered. We suffered not one more than the other, as you state. We suffered because some prick bought his substandard shit into our lives and that substandard shit was from his childhood, not mine so why don’t you go out and get your weights and measurement gear today and walk down the street and use it on anyone of your choosing, just for a rise. Never say I don’t offer mercy, I have already spoken to my adult children and forgave as usual very quickly.
Oh that’s wonderful. All you said before is that you wouldn’t be there for them when they returned.
12345 Oh that’s wonderful. Three words. 123. Then come back in with but she said, he said mentality to grip onto what is no longer an issue. That is what narcs do! Keep gnawing at the bone, you have taken the marrow so it is dry and rigid. Be careful you don’t break your teeth. Once again, I will state on this forum that I have not woman bashed any woman in despair- you are pretty good at it though so I guess you will have condemned your own mother all of your days and to the death. Bravo for you.
I don’t care what you think.
I can’t even begin to explain how everything you just said hit home with me and my experience with my own narcissist. We have a child together and he does all of what you mentioned. She’s only 5 and she tells me what he says and how he treats her. How I begged him to let me take her to the fair on his day only for him to tell me no and she had a great time. To find out he told her she was bad and didnt deserve to go and mommy never called because, “she doesn’t love you.” It breaks my heart because my mother was a narcassist and I know the damage and pain it causes. Though they are wonderful manipulators. He has manipulated child services.( his sister called) the courts. When my daughter and I say our good night prayers she prays her dad wasn’t a lyer, ugly on the inside, wouldn’t trick people, be so angry. All I have ever said to her is that her dad loves her. Although its a lie. I wont speak a negative thing to her about him. Even at 5 she figured him out.
elizabeth 3535- Firstly, I am sorry that your life has been affected on a profound level and that the one thing you wanted to avoid most was not to have that reminder from your own childhood. I cannot identify with being raised in an environment that had the pendulum toward the right with narcissistic parenting but can identify with the sheer torment and frustration not to mention humiliation of the depths that a narcissistic partner/ex-partner may go to in eluding detection within the system where we also depend on that which influences and implements decisions that impacts on our freedom and that of our children to be free of it being actively present. In reading what you have said, I urge you to keep praying and please know that the strongest prayers are ones that Satan cannot decipher. He knows the word backwards and is the author of lies and confusion. Sounds like a narcissist, yes—-there are circumstances where God will leave a willful, unruly and treacherous person in their own delusion. First came shame, then pride and it has been finished for us on the cross. A narcissist will be proud and boastful, arrogant and comes as subtle as the snake making its way in from the floods, the murky waters. After pride comes back shame. The shame can shape a person. In hiding shame some go one way and some go another. Narcissists shall die with shame after pride. Those who have done their utmost not to be as the narcissist and break the shackles of shame, lean not on their own understanding and place God firstly in their communication shall have victory if their hearts are right with God. Your sweet child is just a babe, yet experiencing the confusion of going from a nurturing environment into something with an edge that is most difficult for us to get a handle on and children despite our most courageous leap in faith are still becoming victims well after women leave due to the narcissist. May I suggest, one very reliable piece of advice-
Pray in tongues and teach your daughter. The most powerful prayer and you don’t have to understand what it means, don’t even think when you roll your tongue. Matters not how it sounds, just do it, anywhere anytime under your breath and I can give testimony that a Goliath has been conquered and a call today confirmed the most miraculous turnaround and I am thrilled and the most highest majesty of all has heard my heart and will act for your child and yourself. Conventional is not Gods way so please pray in tongues, babble anything as long as it is no relation to our usual wording. IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly, things will do a 360. Your daughter and yourself have met Satan face on and your ex partner is set in his delusion. Out of the mouth of babes is truth. If only we could invent a truth serum the narcissists would flounder and panic, be assured that the truth is the way and the life and shall set you both free.
How do you teach that part of the system they are being manipulated? Perhaps you cannot, though be persistent and write emails with copies to other departments associated with the decisions impacting your child and yourself. Phone calls are useless, it seems unless you are a narcissist! I would like for you to journal everything and how it affects your child’s behaviour. Each and every time, keep that log going. If you require backup use what you can to substantiate your testimonies from authors such as HG Tudor with his permission. A nanny cam (doll, teddy bear, puppy, the toys that are animated and realistic) just a thought, you know what I am saying. When our system lets children down we have to think on our feet and though the system can be as easily fooled as we were, sometimes we must invest in a concept that although may not be used in court of law, can be demonstrated to those that know the tricks that narcissists use and through that, organisations can act and advise departments on what they know to be 100% accurate 🙂
If I had my time over again and in the climate of black snakes all around, I think I would take the risk and send my child with a toy, before another life is ruined and innocence corrupted by a narcissist. From that other ideas can be formed with prayer of course.
A very wise five year old most beautiful girl told me the same. I would resort to means that were not available when I had children if it meant that I may be slapped on the wrist for breach of privacy, I would make sure that with our technology that no stone would be left unturned to prevent another child being lead into chaos and confusion of mixed messages from a narcissist.
Start your testimony, times, dates and be vigilant as she is the most precious gem in the world and unfortunately narcissists once were too. My heart gets torn between the two children, the narcissist I fell deeply in love with (his child that was terminated to himself by self-preservation, survival and the child shared between a couple of a narcissist/empath). So sorry that you are dealing with this. To find out he told her she was bad and didnt deserve to go and mommy never called because, “she doesn’t love you.
Such pain for her to have heard that, there goes Satan stealing her innocence and faith. Catch the thief (pray in tongues and be humble, watch his confusion in the near future and self doubt). 🙂
U are doing a disservice to your child to lie to her and say her dad loves her. He does not. It is best to just not say anything. U will confuse her and mess her up with what love is. U show her love. U show her real love is words and actions that match. Show her the contrast. Anything less is a disservice to your daughter.
Question for HG and community at large…
So how is it that my narc seems to think i am the narc?
Im not sure how he came into contact with such information/ knowledge about narcissism… some of the same stuff I’m learning….. about him.
He has these posts on his Facebook about narcissism and shares from counseling sites about narcissism and how he clearly thinks i am the narcissist and he is the victim.
Does he really believe that? Or is he playing it?
Of course… it makes me mad inside bc he’s switching it around. He’s the narc and I’m the victim… not the other way around. Its maddening that some people will believe him ….and as an empath… i don’t like when he profiles me as something im not .. as the truth teller in me… i want to defend… but I’ve learned not to so i don’t give him fuel….. but he got loads of fuel in this regard for a long time…. till i caught on and stopped defending. Though it’s my natural reaction to defend band so hard not to. But I’ve learned it does absolutely no good so why bother and waste my energy.
But… how is it possible that he can come across this material and not see himself in it. The irony is crazy. He’s looking right at himself And seeing or at least saying it’s me. How is this possible ? Then of course.. i have the temptation to wonder if im crazy and missing something… which is exactly the pattern someone like him wants to establish. Its maddening.
I just have to not care and move on. But easier said than done.
So back to my questions though…. does he really not see himself in his new found narcissist knowledge he has come across or is he willfully flipping it to his advantage…..?
(At this point… i see no ties to the master tudor at least…. mostly he’s on southlake Christian counseling)….
FL11
Isnt that just all about the smear campaign and getting it in to others that he is the wronged one? Did he know you were reading these things he posts or where would he come by them?
Nice pic. 😉
So where is HG on the narcissist sexual spectrum?
Wow I don’t even know where to begin with this one. The book was just incredible. I thought I knew it all when it came to this subject.
I have a huge appetite for sex. Please underdtand this in no way means I sleep around orII am promiscuous. I prefer to be with people I am in love with but….I don’t get “headaches” very often. I will not stay in a sexless relationship either.
That being said because of this it was particularly devastating to me when my very active sex life went south with he who shall no be named.
At some point I realized what he was but was still in the very early stages of acquiring knowledge so I didn’t know he was “withholding” form me. I thought he no longer found me attractive.
So I called him up and told him my thoughts and because we still had sex once in a while I decided to tell him that not only did I think he was not attracted to me any longer but I would NOT be engaging in the act with him in the future because it was destroying my self esteem.
I asked him if I was correct and he laughed out loud and said “oh really..that what you think is happening?” He refused to say anything more and actually said that is was none of my fucking business what he thinks of me or our sex life. What ????
Yes,this is real life. Now understand we did not have a traditional relationship. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend. We had an open thing. While I probably slept with 2 other people in that time and only for revenge, he probably slept with 50. No this is not an exaggeration in any way.
If he were my boyfriend I would have ended it.
Here is the crazy part well not so much looking at it in hindsight but then it was. He completely and totally FREAKED OUT! !!!! To say he was furious that little me would dare make a bold move such as ending our sexual relationship was obviously infuriating to him but totally bewildering to me. We were not having sex anyway so why would you be so upset over that.
Of course now I get it. Anyway, even before I read G’s book ,I did my research and found out about the sex withholding they do. Once I did he must have sensed it because he never withheld sex from me again or at least not for long like in the past. They are fucking aliens.
My ex was weird about sex. When we started dating, he constantly kissed me in public and I was embarrassed. After I married him, he didn’t want me to kiss him … Said I was suffocating him. His excuses for not having sex went on and on. Once he said I smelled like fish. Lol I don’t even like seafood. I couldn’t understand what happened to his sex drive so suddenly. In all photos, it is me being affectionate to him … my arm around him, etc. It made me feel bad that he didn’t want me once we were married except for when he wanted me to have a baby for him. I already had two but I wanted to please him. That didn’t take long. I’ve told it before how he wasn’t even around when time to go to hospital. My 10 year old son went with me. I still have a hard time with you saying sex is only a weapon to a narcissist but I do believe you.
He probably had sex elsewhere. I was the other woman (IPSS, DLS) for quite a while, so I heard all the stories why the wife does not want to have sex…
Received my Easter Hoover txt… he doesn’t know where I am, but he brought up a memory from 13 years ago. I almost responded, as he was tugging my heart strings… I resisted…
Good on you for resisting. Mine texted me a happy easter as well. He also sent a meme which is likely hilarious but I refused to pop into it. I resisted too. Three weeks in a row he has texted because I relapsed and responded to one of his texts. I feel guilty for “leading him on” even now that I know what he is. Keep resisting. As HG says, you are seizing the power.
mine were broadened alright..
I tried broaden his. He started to become worried. lol
My ex did this and I think out of everything withholding sex was the worst. It effected my self esteem, confidence, it irritated me and angered me to the point I would be in tears. The last month before I escaped though I acted like it didn’t bother me one bit. I never tried to kiss him or hug him. Never mentioned sex. When he finally did try I calmly looked at him and said that he had gained way to much weight and I don’t have sex with fat people. 2 days later I escaped very quietly. I didn’t yell or anything. Just never answered a call or text. This has been the longest time he hasn’t tried to hoover me back. Though he is being malicious I just don’t respond to his daily attacks. Its been 2 months do you think he’ll let up soon?
Sex was a huge part of my relationship with the narcAllister. Throughout his faked therapy sessions, it is recorded in black and white that he felt the same. But, as I became more and more suspicious about what he had done, he withheld it in the end, and it destroyed my self esteem. Later, I found that he had been trolling shemale sites and was particularly enamoured with a Vancouver shemale escort called Alexis D Vyne. Don’t google that website if you are of a sensitive disposition.
workrelatedk
what does “shemale” means?
A male who has surgery to add boobs, dresses and lives as a woman but keeps the male genitalia.
totally deviant
Horrible wasnt it? ? Same here.
Gather round children. Auntie Black is gonna tell ya how things were back in the olden days. It was 1988, When there was no internet, no cell phones. The old narcissists could still pull off everything Mr. HG has written. I was 20 years old isolated in California. No friends or family allowed. He left for “work” for 3 months. I was not allowed to call him because he said work would only pay if he called me. No caller i.d. mind ya, so who knows who he was with. Anyhoo, he talked about missing me, what he wanted to do sexually etc. He came home and I got the kiss on top of the head. I got silent treatment for asking too many questions. I got I’m sleeping on the couch because I don’t want you by me. I cried and he said what is your problem? I told him I missed him and I wanted to have sex with him. He said I was a whore and all I was interested in was sex. Why couldn’t he come home to someone decent that cared about him and what he wants? I cried harder and I said I’ll do whatever you want just tell me what it is. He laughed, shook his head and left me. I was heartbroken. 3 days later he came home like nothing was wrong. Told me he was stressed from work and I need to understand what he is going through. We did have sex then and it was incredibly rough with alot of name calling, him barking commands. I cried. He said i hope your crying because i was great. Got up and got in the shower. I laid there in a ball hysterical. He got out and said thats enough. Stop it. Laid down, held me and when i said why did you do that to me? He said i will hold you but do not talk or I will get up and leave. That’s enough now. I got you and I’m here. Comforting right?
This children is textbook narcissistic behavior. HG continues to amaze me with his truths. The methods they use are so across the board that it can be classified as a personality disorder. I never knew just how deep it went until I found HG. I didn’t know that down to the details even sexually they are the same. What he wrote above was my life. Thankfully long ago. When I talked to this Narc last May, yes a Hoover after all these years, he said to me, remember that time we had sex and you cried? God that was the best. So pay attention to Mr. HG. This is no fairytale. It’s no happy ending. It’s a series of unfortunate events. Now go to bed and dream of marrying a unicorn like I did.
Wow Mrs. ABB, that was a whole heaping spoonful of hell. We put up with so much BS when we’re young. How long did that relationship last?
That relationship lasted 2 years. They all were 2 years or less. The good thing is this was my first narcissist and after him I was on a mission to meet men like Him and give them a taste of their own medicine. Which was years of entangling with narcissists and game playing and getting out before the devaluation. Then I got healthier and picked out and married Mr. Black. Yes I picked them out. Not sure if this was narcy or just empathic supernova territory. HG could tell me but probably won’t.
I had one version of this. Never in my life…this deep . a true disorder
Happy Easter, All!
HG I have to say,i’m really enjoying reading this series so informative .
Thank you .
Good and you are welcome.
It’s a devastating tactic to control this way. The stories above are heartbreaking.
Whether it’s talk or they actually get their IP to go along with certain deviant acts, I wonder how many were sexually abused themselves? Abuse perpetuating more abuse.
I was very close to agreeing MLA. I mean soooo close .
He spoke of it as if it was normal but it was just a further progression from the deviant stuff he’d already asked me to do & which I’d participated in. I’m just thankful that somewhere I found the courage to say no even though he kept trying to wear me down by repeatedly telling me how much I’d enjoy it & the old ” If you really loved me you would ” .. I knew then that I’d stopped loving him a long time ago & that if he genuinely loved me like he said, he would never have asked let alone try to coerce & blackmail me into it .
It was like he was carrying out a business transaction with the men who offered so cold & calculated.
As far as I’m aware the pictures of me are still out there . I doubt very much he would have taken them down after my discard.
It seemed “normal” requests in conversation because they lead up to it gradually. They start off doing a few things you maybe hadn’t done before and it’s thrilling. Then it makes you more pliable to them when they ask for the more deviant acts. The confusion sets in on a grand scale because you think you are exploring things with someone you love.
JN held it against me if there were things I’d think about or even try. He’d hold it against me if the few things he’d ask me to do I would flat out say never in this lifetime to.
I wasn’t doing enough or upping the ante to hold his interest. Like the time I was up in Chicago with a girlfriend after he moved up there, and I invited him to meet us for drinks. Then she was going clubbing with some other friends later that night and I thought him and I could catch up. He said he’d only consider it if I got a three-way going with my friend. Unreal. But see, he did the Jekyll and Hyde trick. For 3 days leading up, he was being nice and flirty, hence why I thought meeting for drinks was acceptable. Then once I was within 10 miles of his radius, then I’m too boring to make it “worth a drive into the Loop”. If you don’t want to see me, why are you even texting me???? Needless to say, I was a hot mess the next morning when my girlfriend got back in from her late night. That crap doesn’t erode your self esteem? Bullsh*t.
No threesomes for Clarece though!! #Winning
Every word you say is true MLA .
It’s like a tap dripping on a stone isn’t it . It’s slow and insidious & before you know it you’re actually considering doing things you would never consider before . Good for you not giving in !
NNS x
These little boys and their 3-way fantasies. They’re all bark, no bite. Lets say you agreed to it. He might have backed out, because he would be intimated at the thought of having to please 2 women and possibly failing.
Don’t worry about the pics NSS. Most of us have pics, videos, etc out in the darkhole of cyberspace. (We might not even know it). It would have been interesting to see his reaction if you said, “fine, I will go out on dates with these men, allow them to woo me, then I will decide who the lucky winner is ”
Thanks Love .
I don’t worry about the holiday pictures if that’s all it was . I never posed for any naked pictures though I know he once posted a video on the internet of me giving him oral . Even at that point I accepted it .
He didn’t want me to date these men he would never have allowed that . He just wanted me to have sex with them while he watched .. the ultimate control when being discarded . He was abusing me & at the same time giving his new target the Golden period. What a .. t …t hey .
NNS xx
Ugh! That’s what makes me so angry! He wanted completed control of your body. Yet only to devalue it. I wonder if he understood that if you wanted the cockhold scenario, men would be running to your door and competing for your time. What he was doing is like taking a valuable piece of art and attempting to sell it at the Dollar Store.
Cuckold
Lol thank you Mr. Tudor 😂
Thanks Love .
TBH I didn’t even know what cuckold was at the time it was all new to me .
Then I found myself searching for sites trying to find out where he’d posted my pictures . Can you imagine that .
I even signed up to one . Huge mistake 🙂
Girl, I wish you met someone you found attractive on the site, invited him over, and had a great time in bed… And let your ex catch you guys after you were finished. No show for him. Ha!
Why would such a stupid message have anything to do with your self esteem? You are a grown, strong woman.
Katherine, do you have anything enlightening to share or are you just here to troll and belittle others?
Love: my message to MLA Clarece was stating the opposite. But exactly my point. You DO have control. Even if this blog is telling you otherwise.
Thanks again Kat . I suppose & I hope I was trying to highlight how narcs can & do manipulate their victims . I won’t ever shy away from it or blame myself . Ever
For what it’s worth, I got your intent and message.
Thank you MLA .I’ve never confessed to the video to anyone but it was good to offload finally . x
NSS, I will share one of my stories. I once made a home video, per a gentleman narc’s request and emailed it off to him. Unfortunately, I did not type an extra letter in the address. So it was sent to someone else!!! At first, I was mortified thinking it may have been a relative of his. Then I was driving myself crazy thinking about a stranger having it. Lol good thing I never heard from said stranger. Since this a public site, that person might see this message. I would like to tell them “you’re welcome” 😁
It was an interesting video but the lighting could have been more effective.
I’m glad you enjoyed it. 💜
Ba hahahaha!
Okay that delivery cracked me up. Good one sir.
Pleasure.
Since it didn’t get returned to you, I’m thinking the video was much appreciated! lol
Love
Thank you again for your support & sharing .
I don’t feel so bad now . 🙂
I don’t know if the video or the pictures he took are still out there but as far as I’m concerned hes’ ” welcome too” lol
It’s odd though . When I think back he was asking for sexually explicit photos when he was devaluing me .
He used to draw on me with Black Marker pen when I was asleep when I’d been drinking . I’d wake up see it & he’d laugh about it .
NNS x
Their sense humor is that of an adolescent child. And he most definitely is lucky to be honored with your photos and vids.
Now it will become easier to compartmentalize it as an isolated incident with someone who clearly didn’t value you and an act you were doing thinking you were proving your love. My wish for you is someday someone (if you choose) will completely embrace that uninhibited, sexy passionate side to you and all acts or requests are done respectfully! Seriously!
Aw thanks MLA . I doubt I’ll ever get in another relationship but who knows . It’s kind of you to say .
NNS x
NSS,
I did want to reply more to what you’ve shared, I’ve been occasionally popping in and reading the whole discussion on this thread. I’ve had too much on my plate lately to get a chance to. It also seemed a mute point after the conversation turned another direction. I do understand both points being made by everyone here. It is something to ponder.
But not to deter from the importance of what your experience was. I just wanted to say that speaking out about it takes a lot of courage, despite the audience. There is nothing wrong with open sexual experiences. Hopefully you will find a relationship that is more catered to honesty and a partner that will exchange your wants equally. No matter what the exchange is.
That being said, I’ll share. Once when I was younger I had a boyfriend that was quite the nymphomaniac. I wouldn’t say he was a narcissist, just obsessed with sex and variety. A tape was made once. A long one. I won’t go into the details. (Love’s story reminded me of said experience.)
After a falling out with a roommate situation, my roommate stole the camera from my bedroom. Unfortunately the tape was still inside! I didn’t realize it until a few months later when I was moving out and started looking for the tape. As you can imagine, I tore my room apart trying to find it. That’s when I distinctly recalled it being inside of the camcorder still.
My roommate? Long gone. No clue what he did with it as I never saw that roommate again. I laugh about it usually but sometimes there is that wonder of finding said tape somewhere or it being uploaded to the internet. Take care of yourself now and never feel shame for your experience. It always helps us grow stronger.
Who of us these days does NOT have a private part or 2 or some kind of sexual pictures or video “out there” these days. The market is pretty flooded these days…. Its so common. Soo easy. Sooo fun. I dont think anyone has anything to worry about.
I don’t.
That you know of…
I can state with total conviction there are no HG dick pics and no HG discussing Ugandan affairs videos in circulation.
(You get one as a download with the next book.)
Key words “in circulation”. There could be pics. You do sleep for what 2 hours each night? hee hee
4 hours. I of course am coated in a mirrored sheen so you will only get a picture or video of yourself.
I said the exact same thing mla!
So you think Mr. Tudor. The teddy bear on her night stand had a camera in the right eye. Your video is currently being sold on the black market. ‘Nancy and the English Narc’.
You think I don’t sweep for such things? Tut tut, detention again. Second time this week Love, was are we going to do with you?!
Lol you take your metal detector with you to bed Mr. Tudor?
I’m forever staying in your remedial class. ❤
Don’t worry Love. I’ll break you out of detention somehow. Either that or get stuck together. At least you won’t be alone.
That you know of…. 😉
Maybe u should HG. Don’t be a prude. 😉
All in good fun. I mean u dont have to show a face or anything…. just the goods. Noone would know if you were HG Tudor or David Spade. 😉
And from what i hear…. its not a bad thing to be david spade… 🙂
They would if the light was too bright.
Its all about the angle… 😉
….grinder
Lost me….
HG
Youre on Grindr?
Thanks for coming out.
Angle grinder. Look it up
Ohhhhh… it’s a power tool. That explains it.
Bingo!
I’m supposed to be studying for an exam and instead I’m looking up angle grinder. Lol
I like it! Since it is not patented by you, you still have anonymity. Or did you invent it?
No I didn’t invent it.
Mr. Tudor, you don’t surely mean angle grinder performers do you? They are interesting for sure.
Hi KDB, ha ha no I do not mean that. I was purely referring to the tool itself.
Hi HG. Oh, in that case, grind away. Just keep it away from the lower regions. Sparks fly it seems. I don’t know how it became a thing people wanted to watch, but it did.
Thanks for clearing the confusion up, sir. Don’t know why I went there first.
Runs while i still have ankles….cankles. Whatever works.
Hm, you could be referring to a marijuana grinder, or someone who works hard, or Grindr the app. All very interesting and unrelated to making a sex video.
Or the angle grinder power tool as you eventually worked out.
Or there’s always oven grinder. .. a fabulous pizza place in Chicago! Yum yum.
Oooooh, you have a patented grinding move that distinguishes you from all the rest.
Ayeayeaye…and I will never see you move that way. Too bad.
FL11,
You must be a frequent NSFW Reddit visitor. Remember, no face, okay?
Kdb…i had to look that up. No idea what nsfw meant. .. i do now. Ty urban dictionary!
Reddit took a little longer to figure out…. now that i have it figured out…i can’t figure out why its popular. Ha ha.
So now that ive solved that acronym puzzle. … to answer your question which should be fairly obvious now. … no. 🙂
Ha ha.
FL11,
Fair enough answer. Sorry for the time consuming look up. The more you know, yes?
Indeed
Thanks for sharing KDB .
I appreciate your comment . Life goes on doesn’t it . 🙂
At the time I felt as though he still felt sexually attracted to me so stupid me thought he still was in love with me . He always wanted sex even though I made so many excuses to avoid it . There was no foreplay . Just do this do that . ” Positioning ” I hated it . I hated him but I still complied .
Am I stronger ABSOLUTELY !
Take care KDB
NNS x
NSS,
Indeed it does. No need to thank me though. Plenty of supportive people here that all have unique stories. It’s a rarity. As for strength: It can only get better. I’m still on the path.
*Moot not mute. Curse the time crunch!
No even close.
Some people onlh operaye a certain way because clearly, they have to💅
This is a hugely important point. A DV therapist once told me that in one group she moderated, almost every hand went up when one offender asked the group if anyone else had been sexually assaulted as children.
Think about that. Almost every hand.
It’s incredibly heartbreaking.
It really is heartbreaking. What are the latest statistics? A few years ago, it was 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse. It’s on the rise every year and sometimes with the ages getting even younger.
That physical and emotional pain, shame and the burden of keeping it secret takes such a devastating toll. And when a devalue has commenced, you’re telling me a Narc’s subconscious isn’t acting out all these unresolved acts and reversing the role for the control and power?
It just saddens me so, that is one can become aware of what happened, why can’t there be a road to recovery for them to truly heal? Because they can surround themselves by people who will cherish putting their best interests to heart.
I believe there is a road for them to heal, it is a matter of awareness to what created this behavior, not letting themselves trust thou is what holds them back. Easier to continue with what they know works then to try something that is unknown and fear the same rejection. If rejection happens it reenforces only what they believed from the start.
sexual Olympians, dedicated sexperts who are well-versed in the art of orgasmic sexual congress. HG I must say you crack me up 😂😂😂😂you are so funny at times, but oh so evil
Yes, at least there is some humour in it. The whole thing is just so evil and petrifying. So glad I’m only NISS hah!
HG sure can turn a phrase. He had me in chuckles with “pubic topiary” which I have promptly, and shamelessly, added to my phrases-I-must-use list. 😁
Indeed he certainly has a sense of humor. It seems that Greater’s are funny,highly intelligent and great in bed does it not ? Is it any wonder……And yes Super Evil.
Damn right we are!
“great in bed”…? – They think they are.. Only to be left wondering why someone has lack of interest in spending time with ’em.
Happy Easter everyone
https://youtu.be/w7_k6IwazXk
HG, have you known empaths who enjoy activities as described under 2. and 3.? Or would you say they are always linked to fuel gathering and control, to narcissistic traits?
I finally found the courage to say NO when I found out it had put holiday photo’s of me ( without my consent ) on cuckold sites asking for men to sleep with me while he watched . He said it was a ” fantasy ” he wanted to fulfill & that the men interested had offered to cover half of the petrol costs, how bloody generous of them hey ! I think it was at that point I completely shut down emotionally, there was no reaction from me, no anger, no disbelief, NO FUEL . He left a few months later having secured his new supply, though I didn’t know it at the time it was the best thing he ever did for me. 🙂
Not So Sad,
Wow, that’s just out there and quite disrespectful. While it’s not uncommon to have sexual fetishes that a couple can explore openly together, this kind of manipulation is just sick. For gasoline costs? Just. Wow. Baffled at this story. Definitely sounds like the best thing for you in this case. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi KDB,
Thank you for replying .
There was a lot gone on before this as I explained in my earlier posts but for me this was the end. I was broken & he had ultimate control over me or so he thought, fortunately I still had some self respect left to say no even if I had respect to suffer the consequences. So glad I did .
NNS x
NSS,
No problem. I won’t ask you to recall but thank you again for sharing. I hope you find something healthy and open in the long run. It’s okay to be truthful. I know it’s tough to be honest about these things, for most people here, myself included. Ì know the feeling of wanting to do more for your partner but it’s a bottomless pit.
If only calling them out on it worked, but it just steams it.
Take care of you. That is important in the end.
Ugh! The nerve of that man! It is your body. If you wish it couple with other men, he does not set the terms. Half the petrol cost?! Omg! Those men would happily wine and dine you for the honor and privilege of sleeping with you. Ugh! We as women know how to own our sensuality and sexuality. What a piss poor excuse for a pimp, he was!!! That made me mad. 😡
NSS, you deserve so much better!
Even though I know how it is to be constantly manipulated or being lbackmailed and under pressure, I still wonder how a grown woman makes it on a video showing her having oral sex, …. and how she is staying in a relationship with someone who does not want the same things as she does. AND then post it as a comment on a blog by someone who states that his partner is being subjected to abuse by him at the moment and giving him ideas. As if this was the place to get understanding by the author of this blog. Don’t you think a protected forum where you can exchange private messages is a better place for this?
Katherine, I’m confused by your comment. NSS is being open and vulnerable by sharing something that occurred in her past relationship. This article is about SEX. I don’t understand where your judgement is coming from. We are a support group here… We share our own personal, sometimes painful history or present situation. We all come from different walks of life. Each story should be treated with respect and empathy, even if you cannot associate with it.
Hi Katherine,
I interpreted NSS’s comments as part of a conversation with myself and Love if you follow the thread. She was sharing a very personal, traumatizing experience and she has been here for a long time, almost as long as me, and has gotten understanding from not only HG, but several readers including myself, hence why she felt comfortable enough to share her experience so we can learn from it.
If you found it distasteful, I suggest you read back on comments under “The Porn Supremacy”, “Perfect Sense”, “Sex and the Narcissist”, and “Questioning Me”. It’s hardly anything compared to some of the other stories victims have shared.
HG does not allow the exchange of contact information to protect all of his commentator’s privacy especially due to the sensitive nature of these topics expressed.
We’re all anonymous here. It’s private enough.
You can always stop reading after you finish the article and not read the comments.
Thanks Cat.
I Knew when I posted me experience some people question it. For me the reality is it did happen .Take it or leave it . I stayed & participated because he had complete control of me . I will never be ashamed of what he did . His problem not mine .
NNS x
Everybody can do what he or she wants … but it’s strange to say that someone posts videos and you have nothing to do with it – and then act as if that was normal and there’s nothing what you could have done to prevent this.
However: I was commenting out of concern for Not So Sad. This blog has a few million hits, that is hardly a private support group, nor would I ever call comments moderated by a narcopath a support group. You are not fully anonymous … especially not you Love and MLA Clarece. At the same time you do stay isolated from each other. It must be great good fun for HG to read this. It seems unlikely that he needs any new ideas what to do with his victims, but if he ever does get bored, … oh, well, then there’s you and the ideas from your narc.
Love: exactly my point. Vulnerable and there for the taking. Esp. you.
How come there are never stories here from ex-narc victims who have not lost their common sense, and have been immune to that kind of abuse? You do show how vulnerable you are and easy to influence. HG has neither respect nor empathy for you, you should know that. But this is certainly amusing for him.
Katherine honey, I’m not concerned about whether Mr. Tudor or anyone else respects me or not. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I know who I am. I never said this is a ‘private’ support group. But it is a support group, and I consider a lot of people here my friends. If there are ex narc victims that were immune to the abuse, then I applaud them and hope they share their story. If you have one to share, please do so, and know you won’t be mocked or shamed by us. ❤
Well put.
K…
First off plenty of people post videos on FB or Instagram without consenting. Why would it be any different for an amateur porn site? If you think that people are on this site researching everyone else’s identity you might be a narcissist (said as Jeff Foxworthy). Ain’t nobody got time for that. I have revealed alot about myself here. I feel it is safe enough to do so. I do relate to others because I have similar experiences, however, I am not in a position to be romantically involved with a narcissist. I still have relatives, friends and colleagues who are narcissistic. My point is this. This space is very diverse. Diversity is a thing of beauty. It is represented in all creation. If all of us could look for the good in one another and see each other’s potential and support that, wouldn’t it be better? I know HGs type. He knows mine. I’m sure he has been involved with things sexually that some may never have considered (ask Tabitha lol). I don’t think that he’s getting ideas from us to terrorize his girlfriend’s. He is intelligent enough to dream them up himself. I love me some HG, everyone knows that. I would hang out with HG in real life. I would come out unscathed because I dated 6 just like Him and I know what he is going in. I get bashed all the time for saying that I’d hook up with him because I am married. Do not tell me that women don’t fantasize. I am guilty of that. I joke about it. Some don’t like it. People need to think it through. He is not real. I’m more than likely not his type and what are the odds? I know this, but I flirt so shoot me. He would tell me to knock it off if it became a problem. This place is an image of the original. The original man who is the moderator here could be anyone. We are not deluded. We know what he is as he tells it. He openly admits he abuses. I am attracted to abuse. I was a player. I know the game and I did get out of it. I have successful narc stories. Most of my comments are directed right at HG. I try to find the humor in what he writes. It can be overwhelming to relive what he writes. I try to lighten it up because it’s painful. Plus I like to try and make HG laugh. Sometimes others hurt my feelings. That’s to be expected. I feel too much. I get hurt easy. He hurts my feelings sometimes. It’s all of my own making though. I am hyper sensitive. He has no reason to be mean to any of us. This is not his main life. This is a hobby. He created a kingdom of Narc knowledge. I like being a citizen of his kingdom. As with all kingdoms there are laws. One of them is to tolerate others. I always say that there are people that are hard to love and easy to love, but I love them just the same. Maybe you could apply that principle here? Love everyone here and know that picturing some as your crazy relatives helps.
Hugs ABB. We wuv you ❤
Aaw….and I U 💜
Love and MLA , I agree to you both and give you my “like” this way. Katherine, it is not a shame to be abused sexually and controlled and to talk about it. It is never – ever a shame. NSS is still anonymous. She has her private sphere. Do not make the same mistake, that many people do- shift the guilt towards the victim. She made a failure, trusting and loving the wrong one – that is all.
When you never allow her to talk about her bad experience, she has no chance or a lesser chance to heal. So, it is very important to talk about it. Where-ever she wants. If she does it in public – not anonymous- I agree with you, it is dangerous, bc there are too many people who will attack her.
And at last. Katherine, your post has a bitter taste for me. It sounds, as if you are a “better” victim. All of us are victims.
Not So Sad,
please do not listen to such a comment and take your head high! (I hope, it is the right englisch expression.)
Hello Mona,
Your patience and kindness really shine through in your above comments.
Thank you!
Katherine
If you know “how it is to be constantly manipulated or being blackmailed and under pressure” how do you have the temerity to question how someone “is staying in a relationship with someone who does not want the same things as she does”. That is nonsensical. Did you WANT to be manipulated and blackmailed while you were in yours? She relayed the facts of what happened to her amongst people who have shared their stories with her, who she knows will listen without judgement, and on a thread with the approriate subject matter. It is prudish and sheltered people like you who perpetuate this type of abuse by keeping it cloaked in secrecy as not to offend your delicate sensibilities. That the author of this blog needs any help with ideas is laughable as is your suggestion that private messages should be exchanged elsewhere. This is not Fetlife. It is a forum for discussion regarding Narcissism of which sex plays a very big role. It is for real people discussing real life situations on tough subjects and if you are uncomfortable with that then as Clarece suggested, you should read the articles and skip the comments section. Failing that, you might feel more comfortable over at Prudes R Us before I start talking about some of my experiences which I assure you are not for the faint of heart.
I find it interesting that Katherine’s comment seems to have touched a weak spot in so many. I took a minute to think about it and think she has a point.
NarcAngel, well, do share, please, it is a huge issue for you. Your approach is different though, why do you feel uneasy? I’m not prudish either but would not post my vulnerable spots, I share those with people I trust and I hardly think anyone’s narc experience here has told them to trust a narc with personal information.
I also have to agree Love that your friends are gone the second HG decides so.
AVA101
Its a weak spot to oppose censorship? I truly looked for a point in her message, so if it was anything other than NSS did not have the right to discuss her own personal experience on a post with sex as the subject matter, that we are all stupid for being being here and believing that the posts and discussions are helping with healing, and that we are aiding an abuser by providing him with ideas, then I missed it. Sometimes people have to see how far down the rabbit hole others have gone in order to finally stop telling themselves things are ok or will get better. I have shared some things that some might find tough and I assure you neither NSS or I did so to get the most “likes”. It IS prudish to be an adult and suggest that others must change their story or stay silent so that others can feel more comfortable. Or that you cannot take in information without adopting it or condoning it. Good luck reading the paper then. It wouldnt be much of a blog if we just logged on to say: I was with a narc. It was bad. The end.
We all understand “friends” here means others with whom you have discussed things and feel a sort of kinship with and that HG could fold up shop tomorrow. We will not have to be put on suicide watch.
Finally, I truly dont understand your comment about me sharing. What is a huge issue for me? My approach is different regarding what? I dont feel uneasy about anything. Im not angry-I just dont understand what you were trying to convey there and invite you to clarify.
Hi Ava. Do you mean my blog friends will be gone the moment Mr. Tudor decides it so? Well of course. He controls this site and does not allow for friendships outside of this blog. I fought about it but it is what it is. I’m enjoying my friendships here while I can ☺
MLA Clarece – you really think HG is interested or capable of understanding and protection? For other than self serving reasons? Who do you think he protects by not “allowing” (even that expression alone makes my skin crawl) exchange of contact information? For what reason do you think? He does not do protection of someone else, nor empathy or understanding. He gives you the sense of being safe here, wanting to keep you close, yes. Maybe take a moment to think about why that is. Do I really need to explain about manipulation or the teddy meme? Are you in a trance state?
Absolutely HG keeping commentators anonymous benefits him first and foremost. He is creating a niche for himself building this site and while it is incredibly informative and beneficial it is a total marketing platform for his books, consultations (both email and Skype), YouTube videos and radio interviews. If this progressed in under 2 years, imagine where he can be in another 20 months. We just also happen to benefit from that rule. He doesn’t want anything to get messy for bad word of mouth. We don’t want anything messy as this site has become a real game changer for many, many people to get some clarity and sanity.
And since I’m just not feeling it to keep this going, yes, let’s just go with Clarece is in a trance.
#UndertheHGspell
Katherine
I really am trying to understand your concern. What is the danger that you think we are in by being here and discussing things? He wants to keep us close?? I am an anonymous person who cannot be contacted. An email address can be changed easily if that is in question. I have no delusions that the author of the blog has any concern for me and I dont care if he makes money all day long or gets his jollies from what he reads here (there are FAR better sources for that). He started a blog, admittedly for his own reasons and all I care is that I get information unrivalled anywhere and to talk to people who understand the subject matter, unlike most in my life. If you had a blog about narcissism I would read it if the information and format was of the quality it is here. I tried many in fact. I will entertain the idea that maybe I have overlooked some danger and would appreciate if you would state what that is so I can decide if your fears for us are founded and will be the first to thank you if they are.
Btw, why do you think it is that the author has allowed your comments to be aired if that is the case? And what brought you here if you had this opinion to begin with?
Somehow I think I wont get my answer.
Wow! Are you always this much of a bitch or do you just trot it out for special occasions?
NarcAngel, I just meant that you respond really emotional to this (absolutely no judgement at all) and that there is a lot for you to heal.
At the same time you always stay down to earth, keep your cool, have an incredible sense of human and common sense. This is why you’ve surprised me now a little. No judgement, just something I noted. My own interpretation of course. I didn’t mean much by this and therefore will keep my mouth shut now.
Ava101
Just finished my post to you and lost it so heres the shorter version:
I have no issue with you or what you said-just wanted clarification. And the last thing I want is you or anyone to keep their mouth shut (your words-not mine).
My issue is with censorship or the disallowing of someone to tell their story as it occurred and to have to make it more palatable for others as was how I viewed Katherines posts in relation to NSS.
I think you may have read more emotion into my reply than was there.
I have another post asking Katherine to voice why she thinks we are in danger, a trance, and manipulated by being here.
We all have a lot to heal or we wouldnt be here as blog does not make for light reading, but how long have you been harbouring this concern that I in particular have a lot to heal lol?
Do you find my posts too heavy or triggering and prefer I deal through private consultation as not to expose it to others?
Again, I am not angry in the slightest and wecome your input and reply.
Ava101
I see reading after, that my post to you starting with: its a weak spot to oppose censorship……may have caused some confusion. I replied to you but the only part directed to you ended with …”then I missed it.” From that point on I was addressing things raised by Katherines post that could be read by anyone. I was not just speaking to you there and should have separated where I ended off speaking to you. Perhaps that is why you thought I was angry with you. If that is the case-my apologies for the confusion.
NarcAngel: humour, not human ….
Why do you feel attacked now, Flickatina?
I tried to remain factual.
But yes, I save ‘being a bitch’ for people in a state of self-delusion.
NarcAngel
Discussing things: I just don’t think that every detail should be known to all persons reading, as not all people viewing the comments are well meaning. But yes, this is for you to decide. It just seemed to me that it might be a good idea to remind people of this. But yes, everybody knows what’s best for them. You’re right.
I don’t know if there are better sources to “get his jollies”. But I meant that in general the comments are more amusing to him than evoking real interest or any kind of empathy, of course. That there is simply no point in posting such details here in regard to the author.
“He started a blog, admittedly for his own reasons”
Yes, YOU see that. Therefore, my comment wasn’t directed at you. But some people seem to think that he is in therapy to change, or even that he wouldn’t do anymore what he writes about …. that his charm would be his true self, … etc.
To get information is great, even if it is creating emotions that are not always positive, and not telling you very often about your own power. More like: keeping you in a trance. At least – that is what I watched myself being in. I can only speak for myself. I am more confident and have less dark thoughts when I read some other information.
Talking to people who understand is great.
Baring yourself in front of a sociopath and all who might read here …. judge for yourself. If you truly don’t mind, okay. Personally, I do mind.
I have no problems to talk about sex, any details and varieties are fine. I just would not describe in a narcissistic sociopath blog how the abuse looked like. That is me, deciding for myself, that is true.
I am happy that you see my concern. While you NarcAngel do keep yourself safe, some of you can be contacted while obviously thinking that the author is on your side, has understanding for your situation and is willing to change. Some have pictures. Together with the IP, this gives a lot of information. Plus your weakest spots … If you could contact each other, now that would be interesting – but you can’t. There is no way of knowing through this blog if this has happened or not.
How do you know that all comments are aired?
He does that so you think that all is fine: ‘look, I am posting this so I must be a good person. Look, it is safe here, otherwise I would not post this.’ This is a manipulation technique. Comments in his favour / attacking critical people are lauded by him.
My comments weren’t too judgmental on him, more to other people. You can see for yourself by looking at all the incredible discussions going on here, that he has no problem with that. I haven’t seen too many really critical posts. Do you think they never happen? Again – no way of knowing.
What brought me here: I’ve been reading for a long time, about a year now I think. It is interesting information, I didn’t deny that. Of course presented from a special point of view, but that is clear.
I just didn’t think it was doing me any good to comment, well, I do keep to myself usually. I did now because it was too painful to watch repeatedly(!) that sometimes any healthy distance and objectivity seems to be missing. HG is not a teddy, as he stated himself. Why can some people not accept this. He wouldn’t hesitate to make any one of you, he is interested in, his victim, I assume. I have watched a lot what is going on: Maybe people sometimes get too heated, get too emotional to notice some things. They go against each other, there is bullying going on here, but at the same time some people ask HG for ‘permission’ to post some things or apologize for speaking their mind … “liking” every single word by him even if hurtful to others.
I have been sexually abused myself. I have no problem to say so, but I would not give the details as long as I don’t know the persons reading. And also not when I know for a fact that at least one person is reading about it who could care less about my traumatization but would use that knowledge against me if given the chance. I know that out of experience with a narc, too.
I won’t post again, I just wanted to say ‘look around you’. I didn’t mean to start a long discussion with many people. …
Hi Katherine
Thank you for responding and expanding on your thoughts. I can see better now some of your concerns, especially given that you have acknowledged being sexually abused yourself, however it was the way you presented them originally that has led to much discussion.
Your assertion in your first post that ” its strange to say that someone post videos of you and you have nothing to do with it-and then act as if that was normal and theres nothing you could have done to prevent this” , and “how she is staying in a relationship with someone who does not want the same things she does” comes off as accusatory and not concern. Sometimes we post in the moment without thinking things through and if you take a look at those sentences and are honest with yourself, in hindsight you can probably see how it caused some backlash. It would be like someone accusing you of not doing enough to have prevented your own sexual abuse and I think we all know that is not the case. I believe NSS is in a different place in her healing than you are and was only trying to show the level of control that can be exerted over you and the inability to reason it. It may have been triggering for you but it can also serve as a wake up or warning to others. You stated you have “no problems to talk about sex, any details and varieties are fine” but that you would not describe how that looked like. (?) That was confusing. NSS was not describing her technique-just the situation she found herself in. You have acknowledged that you could not conceive of baring yourself this way but that does not make it wrong for others. Thank you for acknowledging that.
If you had simply said that you had concerns people were divulging too much and you perceived danger, your comments would have been viewed in a different light.
I know that not all comments are aired. He has stated as such. I was saying that he posted yours. My posts are mixed. Some critical and insulting, some challenging him and his supposed superiority and treatment of others, and some questioning him on things he has not revealled and might make him uncomfortable-all posted. I think his posts are written to display his technique and superiority yes, but I also think they challenge your thinking and people need that. You get mad at the post and then reflect on how it has affected you where you may not have recognized it before. Mad is always better than stuck in my view. I think the reason that you dont see more stories of “ex-narc victims who have not lost their common sense and have been immune to that kind of abuse” is because for the most part they have healed and moved on or simply think they have no reason to be here in the first place.
I agree with you that its painful to watch those that are stuck or refuse to believe that the author (who also is subbing in some cases for the narc in their life) cannot change. He has acknowledged here that he sees no reason to and most of us realize what he is outside of the blog and understand that will not be the case. But there are some who cling to that yes-and it is unhealthy. Being concerned about someone elses condition is showing again that you are susceptible to putting others needs ahead of your own and repeating the cycle. Agreed.
I hope this experience does not prevent you from posting again and I see by your expanded response that you did have some concern, albeit clouded by your delivery. I thank you for that and look forward to your future interaction in the form of explaining how you have kept your common sense and stayed immune to that kind of abuse. That would be most helpful and selfishly, I could use the help in delivering that message.
NarcAngel
Katherine – everyone here knows exactly what HG is. He makes no secret of it. We do not imagine that he is doing this for altruistic reasons. He tells us that himself. It is our choice to interact and share. We are aware that this is not a private forum – we are aware that some of what we share is pretty heavy stuff. We have made an informed choice. And along you come trying to shame people for it. Just so you know – anyone here can post anything they like, anywhere they like.
Many of us have used the consultation option and it has been of great benefit to us. We have purchased his books. Do we imagine that HG is doing this just for us? Of course not! We are damaged people – we are not stupid.
Why am I attacking you? Because you attacked a good friend of mine and you disparage the people of this blog – who, in the main, are fabulous people. Fabulous, accepting, non-judgemental people. Which means you do not belong.
I suggest you look inwards and sort out your own delusions.
Kat,
I agree with you. Also, I believe that alot of the ppl here are confusing empathy for stupidity. An empathic person would never call another person a “bitch” for stating their thoughs about an anonymous narcopath who couldn’t care less about them, with a very controlled blog and who is grown and can speak and defend himself. That’s desperate stupidity of a fantasizing person. They’re self deluded like you said.
Vashti
NSS Sorry that you were treated as an object to fulfill his bent being and happy that you declined! Half the petrol, well really was that including or excluding GST! Cheeky prick! He left you, what a dream- come true, now that is my fantasy! xox
I did try this one out, it didn’t work, of course.
But now I know what the problem was; there was no problem, it was meant to control me.
And this need to control has been the root of my decision to go.
I spent all my life under my father’s control. And by control I mean total control, comings and goings, food, clothing, personal and political opinions, something like North Corean style.
‘As long as I am alive you shall do what I tell you to do, then when I am dead, you are free’ …..
Leaving the house is a personal attack at him, therefore you are subject to punishment. Doesn’t matter if you are getting married and have the ambition to have a family of your own…
But I left him, and no matter how much of a whore he calls me ( the only man that ever called me a whore was my father, better, a toxic whore, and I should kill myself and get it over with…) I won’t go back…
So yes, if you want to control me I’ll just go in surviving mode, and I can do anything.
I have been trained that way.
How sick is that? N is going to the shops and asked son to accompany him. I spoke and said, why do you need him to go everywhere with you and he retorted, ‘for company.’ You have got to be joking I say in my head! Why? I have managed without company fora long, long time and he cannot unhook himself from his phone, as it is his live IV line and he cannot go anywhere without being accompanied! He is really good at leaving me out of everything and it just goes to show who is the strongest, because he cannot even do an hour without his IV line or company unless he is asleep! Weak!
He is a coward!
Be strong PurpleRibbonHealing.
Good Luck!
Yes, he is!
using children to triangulate, pretty bad
There is nothing good that will come of it Brian. I am out of the centre and whenever he is in the middle, there is trouble. How can adult children become so brainwashed? I am deeply saddened.
How can you blame them for being brainwashed when you yourself were brainwashed?
regardless of age, he may be turning him into a narc by example… or using him to gain fuel from other women, to manipulate and entrap them by getting attention on how wonderful his son is.
my narc ex used to show off our son like a trophy “look at what I made all by myself, look how smart he is, it’s all me blah blah” like I never carried him for 9 months and did every bit of parenting on my own while he ran off and ignored us unless we were in the public eye. He would use him to get women’s attention at his job.
if the son is young, he is keeping him by his side so you don’t take him if you leave (power over you to keep you from leaving).
Mine was held over my head along with other things to keep me in an emotional and mental cage for years. He is one of the reasons I stayed… because I did not have any legal recourse to keep him safe if I left (until he was old enough to make his own decisions) and I wanted him to not learn to be a narc. So I attempted to restore balance and I’m not sure if I did or not at this time… it worries me… he did cut all ties with his father, his choice for having been mistreated and disrespected. I had only one demand on him, if he chose to have contact he could not tell his father where I was. If he did breach that I would have had to leave him behind but that would have been his choice and as much as the betrayal would have hurt, I would have found peace in the fact that I did all I could and that in the end it was his choice, not his father’s. But some of his behaviors now that we left worry me…
All you can do is keep doing the right thing and hope it works out in the end. I am sorry and as above, I hope you manage to get out and be free
Soon, very soon I shall have victory and I will be like many other women here that have fought with everything that they have within themselves but I shall not tolerate abuse from my own children no matter how much they have been manipulated through the lies, twists and turns of their narcissist step-father. I too must do what is kind to me and for me. My heart will mend and if I must draw the line in the sand to what is absolutely not permitted, then my daughters will learn the harshest lesson of their lives. I don’t bend to blackmail and I don’t do circles for threats. I hereby throw it back at them and to quite frank, I don’t want to see the narcissist once this is in place nor do I want to see him flash something that he has superficially gained when he did not put the time and effort into peace rather than warfare with me. That may mean cutting myself off from three out of four of my kids, but I will seek peace and cohesion with like minded adults that do not intently go around murdering the hearts of others. I will weep all of my days and for what I have invested but narcissist takes all so I am not actively a participant in his game any longer, or anyone associated with him. My heart is what matters right now and my faith will pull me through.
Case with police: I defended myself against being smashed in the head with his broad hand and knuckles and as I pushed out to stop him he fell against the wicker dining chair and scraped his side! Instant order by police that I am fighting. Me: Brain stent and many episodes of head injuries from him. Me: A DVO that never gets him breached, go figure!
Well that’s just awful PRH.. I really hope you can get some justice this time .. xx
xox
PurpleRibbonHealing,
take your clothes, take your children and leave your house as soon as possible. Do not let him win! Take your last resources and go!!!!
Please do not put the blame on your children, you are the mother, they do not have to protect you. You have to protect them. They are manipulated as you were. You are the adult.
I really understand how difficult and cruel the situation is and how lonely and helpless you feel . But you are the only one who can change it. So, dry your tears, prepare your escape (with children!!!!) and then go!!!! There is no other way.
Please do it for yourself and for your children. Just do it !
I wish you a lot of strength and power .
Purple, do you have a job or career?
Vashti. How is that relevant if PRH has a job or career?
Jaded,
Is that a serious question? How old are you? – Her escape.. And other obvious reasons.
Vashti your question is relevant and financially, a very plausible question when it comes to escaping a narcissist. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough savings to live off the grid (so to speak) for a lengthy period of time and it impacts on how successful a break of freedom is or better how long one can disappear for. In that there are great emotional losses and loss of family if the giant has his foot in the middle. Easy chop of that leg, if family are willing and they will not but one or two. That totals a loss, a mothers loss of her children is an ache that women know all too well. There are many losses and being highly sensitive these hurt deeply without relief. Yes, of those that have been groomed, they have also been given the truth and this is fools gold for them and yet his triangulations are gold. He is in the centre, I am doing all not to be pulled in again. He will ditch them all if he moves onto another target and I believe he is priming them to deceive me anyway so the bullying I am receiving is extra painful.
Wtf matters how old i am? I have known people who have had no job and no kids experiencing this. I have known people with no job and kids. That particularly breaks me bc he thinks he has total control and she believes it bc no job.
I know people with jobs and careers and kids who are going through this and they take LOA.
I was so lucky…if that is even the word. I have no kids…did not marry him…and had a job.
To digrress. The year before i physically escaped, he wanted me to cosign on a house even though he knew i might be losing my job. Dishonest. I didn’t sign and if he could have shoved a pen into my hand and made me draw an X, he would have. Fuck that shit and I told everyone at the closing that.
Fast forward a year. I did lose my job. He was happy until my work offered me 2 jobs. The first was 1800 miles away. I took the 2nd offer which was 300 miles away. It pissed him off bc at that moment he knew he lost control of weak me. 3 yrs later, my escape was complete, physically. Mentally, he still hoovers.
I hope PRH can escape. She has the desire and possibly a plan.
I am old enough. Idc how old you are. The question involves maturity rather than age
Jaded,
“Fast forward a year. I did lose my job. He was happy until my work offered me 2 jobs. The first was 1800 miles away. I took the 2nd offer which was 300 miles away. It pissed him off bc at that moment he knew he lost control of weak me. 3 yrs later, my escape was complete, physically.”
So you understood the relevancy of my question and the necessity of having a job and/or career to begin with and THAT’S, how old you are.
That is BUNKER! He has just sunk himself and his case with police!
PRH…You can handle this. Does he have connections with the law and court? If so, you can still beat this. It might be more of a challenge. You are fierce.
1jaded1- He is in and out of them so to speak, providing a service. The service of such places of influence I feel has gone to his head and he uses such places to make random statements whilst smirking to infer he has power over them. Very difficult to ascertain who he may and may not know let alone what he states is truth or intimidation (bluff). Nevertheless I continue to speak the truth and currently have a great team effort going on. When I have victory is another question however I must be able to succeed in a fair and equitable manner to my considerations and the plan can only succeed via the way I am influencing it to. I must be able to live beyond this and live in a way that does not set me up for failure and that is being worked on as I speak. The end is in sight and my new beginning just around the corner from that. Baby steps are necessary at times. Thank you for your support it means alot to me and yes it is an enormous challenge but set free I will rest, restoration is so close I can feel it.
You have posted this at the most remarkable time and I thank you HG Tudor! I cannot agree to some of what you have stated, but know the underlying theme of what you are saying.
So long as you and other narcissists realise that if married there are laws, legislation that can use sexual with-holding as an act of domestic violence and today is extra special as I have recorded the worst Easter Weekend that I have manged to live through!
Your writings have spoken about how the narcissist will use your own daughters, as their primary source and this is what is occurring. Sick and twisted and I do not imply, that he uses them sexually but who knows what he thinks in the privacy of his bunker!
They make him look good and he is their step father and has caused more strife this weekend that has been fully recorded and I guess I am a parent first, friend last to my kids. I shall stand by that and the repulsive acts that my kids have done under his triangulation and him being the centre of a smear campaign and whatsapp where he has got the triangle together, has hurt me more than I can return from.
What they fail to realise is that I am at the highest level of risk of domestic violence and boy oh boy am I smeared for talking to our opposition prime minister in person because I had the courage to speak about the epidemic and just how rotten it is when one is cut off from services due to floods.
This day, I have recorded the narcissist touching me without my consent and groping at my breasts as I sit and write on the internet. Trying to pull me into sex yet can be astray in his binker as you say for endless months. No thanks, I will pass but will pass on the recording when business hours open tomorrow as I have also a beaten mouth and jaw through his violence used this weekend!
Hello purpleribbon, do you reside in a country that makes it difficult to leave him? You mention the repulsive acts your kids have done under his triangulation and that statement made me very concerned as they like you are victims of abuse. You also say my daughters will learn the harshest lessons of their lives and you hereby throw it back at them. What does that mean? How old are your daughters?
They are old enough to know better and better than that to do this, but have failed themselves in failing me. When he bores of them, he will flick them aside as this is just to get to me. Yes, it has worked and when they come looking for me I won’t be around…that is the lesson. This country is Australia and has a mass exodus of women having to give into these beasts and it is woeful! How about we send these little beasts off to a shelter, since they adequately play the victim, then put the little horrors in a shelter and allow women to retain what is theirs without having to move. We have been through enough and enough is enough. Where is this energy to do so supposed to come from when the narcissists have but drained the life from their victims?
PRH, I was raised by a mother that married narcissists and sociopaths and did nothing to stop the abuse. I resent her for that and have been affected deeply my entire life. From a very young age I was taught that abuse was normal by the actions of my mother. When you are a child and you watch your mother continuously allow abuse there is no such thing as “knowing better” as the parent allowing the abuse never taught them that. My mother failed me from birth so there is no such thing as failing myself in failing her. She is my chief abuser because she allowed it to continue and taught me that it was just fine. Children do not learn from their parents mistakes. They learn from their own. Your children are just as much victims of the circumstances they had no control over as you were in the circumstances that you DID have control over. Yes, anyone who suffers abuse is a victim but parents, especially mothers, have a responsibility to protect their children. There is no “lesson” in abuse. There are many circumstances why people are paralyzed and do not have the strength to leave. Children are exempt. They have been groomed to stay with the abuser and believe him. They may be paralyzed as well and not realize what he truly is. They may come to find out but they may not be at that point now. “When they come looking for me I will not be around…that is the lesson.” That’s probably the saddest statement I’ve ever heard.
” “When they come looking for me I will not be around…that is the lesson.” That’s probably the saddest statement I’ve ever heard.”
Yup. Just realizing my narc mother played this in my life. With me, she was ashamed and justified at her behaviors, and I never forgave her. So she played this in my life and as a result, left me more or less on my own in the world, deeply traumatized and vulnerable. The more I realize what she did, the more I can never forgive her. My brother, she toyed with and he eventually toying with her. With him, he could control her with guilt, disappearing, and more.
As said, no child learns personal life lessons just from watching their parents’ effed up dynamics. They learn to go numb, take sides, hobble a life together, develop addictions and more and this is how this legacy passes on generatuon after generation
SB,
Hey there! I actually couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said here. Accountability in the face of denial was definitely my own narc mothers specialty. The worse part is definitely having to piece together that which was missing due to the abuse and abandonment. You can only find that within yourself over time. I still find that part difficult at times. Especially when the want to even out the wrongs that happened or falling into patterns of “Maybe this time it will be different.” Which can be hard if personal willpower has kept you together since childhood. You hope those weaknesses will subside.
Strange though how it can flip and all that weakness becomes strength. All the abuse can feed the willpower to create something new.
It’s contrast and psychological programming from childhood/teenage years that stand in the way of that authentic moving forward. But experience is paramount. Abuse or none. Hopefully that made sense. I’m a bit ill so it’s probably coming off strange.
Good to see you by the way. How’s The Dragon?
Hi KDB,
I think I understand and its so true about personal will power. Without a copious amounts of willpowet, I know I would never have survived. I have been finding that my so called weaknesses are only so depending on perspective. My feelings were weak? A weakness to my mother and used against me are now something I am finding I can ‘flip’. This is hard to explain but something like turning them into my strengths and the weakness is her failure to have them. SHE becomes now the one lacking! How that shifts the story. How her power diminishes and evaporates.
That sentence above was triggering for me because its taken me decades to grasp the truth of my life relative to family and narc mother. How was I to know better as a child if the world is full of adults who barely get this sh*t? May as well say all of us who were victims should have known better but we didn’t. Children don’t have alot of choices in narc home dynamics until some escape.
I have a better relationship with my Dragon these days. I reached a point where I needed to really put her back to sleep. She served her purpose well but for her to stay so alive was to keep my narc alive in my life. So, I heeded the words HG has said, have gone ultra positive and inspiring on IG (my only sofial media), haven’t spoken to him in 6 weeks and I know his life isn’t going so well. But no more negative fuel from me. He is going to see creative energy and an alive life should he look and never a peep from me again. The bad turns his life has taken have helped me as I know him well enough to know his bitterness and rage went up from these events, and I am finding comfort in his misfortune. Sad, huh?
But you know what is really hitting me? The lightbulb has been going off that my mother’s absence and care for my life has in actuality been an extremely prolonged pay back for how I allegedly ‘treated’ her and her husband (the one who targeted my mother and broke up our family by doing something really despicable from which there was no way my mother’s marriage would have survived, and destroyed a huge part of my innocence and childhood). Its really dawning on me that when I have asked the past year how my mother did what she did, the answer was her selfishness and narcissism, lacking empathy and compassion… But what has not occurred to me until this week, was that its also been intentional?? That she intentionally allowed me to suffer to the depths I did to pay me back?! Its the intent part of HGs writing that has just sunk in. Is this possible she always knew how bad things were and she let it go on as a super passive pay bavk? I keep tunring it over in my head and I am a little shocked. How could she be so stupid and blind bow is… she never was, it was intentional?!?!? I have been explaining things by her own poor guidance as a child, her own ignorance, but now I am asking maybe it was less that and more conscious?
It explains something to me. If it was intentional with HG and my narc and other narcs, why not her?!?
And my dragon was born out of my rage at her ages ago? Then they have to go as that is no life to live with an active dragon if any association with them is why that Dragon comes alive.
SB,
Absolutely. Willpower is the strongest aspect of moving forward after surviving those traumatic times. In the midst of it, trying to find that power to also forgive is a concept that I had to play with in order to not let those events of the past control me. But is that forgiveness of the self and your own weaknesses instead? Oddly enough, I find it a comfort what you’re saying when it comes to flipping around those weaknesses. In a lot of ways I had to use some of those flip tactics to survive after many years of said abuse. But when you do find out all of it was intentional it makes you question the very sanity of yourself because of the flipped coin. Who have I become and what cycle am I repeating because of it? (Your mom sounds like she went to the same school as mine!)
Even subconsciously. Even wantingly. It draws out that Dragon, so to speak. That allure can be addictive, especially if you’ve found peace. I’m feeling it these days.
I don’t particularly like the idea of knowing that her downfall (or other narcs I’ve had in my life) can now provide me with a view of strength because of their own failing in life. I suppose that is the compassion. Yet the anger and knowing you were right does create a broader lens, if you get my drift. It is what it is; perhaps that upbringing can bring forward the emotional strength of watching that power evaporate by knowing your not to blame. Yup, when I found out how intentional it was to act out her own pain of a horrid childhood, I had to accept it and walk away. It feeds the flames to stay. Even if at times I want some kind of completion, I know it’s truly that internal struggle.
In response to your creativity: I understand this. It has definitely made a more lasting impact by allowing me the freedom to represent those deep core wounds through art, writing, music. Growing and re-living wounds by taking in the writings here has been triggering. Sometimes it creates anger and other times longing. Emotions are a powerful tool but I also see them as a strength for growing. No matter which range.
Yeah, that Dragon has its time and place. But finding a way to put it in it’s cave and let the sweltering flames be tamed is truly what it’s about in the end. It’s not a life to have it all the time, which is something I had to learn. Perhaps at times my own creature still comes out to play. Out of justice and righteousness, per se? It is beautiful yet deadly. Stay a lion SB! Good to see your positivity shine through.
Purple!! I know this! Please get away from him!! My heart and thoughts are with you!!! ❤️
foolme1time..He is the ultimate evil, he really is and his lying mouth makes me vomit, literally. I think this is the most crushed I have ever felt, don’t know that I have the resilience left any longer. I don’t stay in bed as a rule, but everything is aching so much so I really feel like staying in bed for good. I don’t know how I am living, I should be dead the way I feel. Thank you for your encouragement <3
Purple, I am still suffering from injuries I received from my narc in December of 2014! I didn’t want to live any longer! You can and will get through this! We all heal at are own pace! Please don’t ever give up! Everyone on the blog will support you! Especially HG! Learn from him! Lean on us! 😘
foolme1time- Thank you and I am very sorry about your injuries and it should not be that such injuries cause ongoing suffering and pain that interferes with quality of life through abuse but at least you are free and it won’t happen again.
Fuck him.
I’m so sorry. I hope you find a way out and I hope you find healing and that, when your daughters are discarded and learn what you’ve been through and are sorry they got tricked into acting against you that you can all find healing, peace and forgiveness. They were just as tricked as you were… they don’t know it, you do. It doesn’t make it easier to deal with them disrespecting you. They will sadly be used by others until they open their eyes, if ever. I hope your area’s laws change to help you and the women like you and I hope you get justice.
Hello PRH and 12345,
Hg posted this article today (2018) and i came here to read comments on the previous posting.
I hope you are out of this horrible situation PRH. Nobody deserves such treatment, INCLUDING your daughters. You were manipulated by the narc. Your daughters were manipulated by the narc.
You stated:
“Sick and twisted and I do not imply, that he uses them sexually but who knows what he thinks in the privacy of his bunker!”
So, you believe he may be thinking about them sexually? Yet he continues to live in your home. You had not tried escaping yet as of april 2017? You and your daughters are at risk. Yet, you blame your daughters (see below)? This concerns me.
“… have failed themselves in failing me. When he bores of them, he will flick them aside as this is just to get to me. Yes, it has worked and when they come looking for me I won’t be around…that is the lesson.’
Sorry, but you are the one who failed your girls. These are 2 girls who are now adults as you say. But they once were not adults. If they lived with you at the time of this article, that means they are not financially independent enough. If they were induced by his sugary foods instead of your healthy foods as you say, that means they were as vulnerable as you were. And you will turn your back on them when they come to you? I feel very sad reading this.
“They make him look good and he is their step father… ”
He is their step father because you chose him. They did not. Please accept that it was your choice to bring him into your home. He manipulated you. I get it. But now you know. Pls do not blame your daughters!
“What they fail to realise is that I am at the highest level of risk of domestic violence… ”
Yes you are, and so are they. I wish you would realize that.
“So long as you and other narcissists realise that if married there are laws, legislation that can use sexual with-holding as an act of domestic violence…”
After all of this, you are concerned that he has withheld sex from you? He is abusing you AND YOUR DAUGHTERS. And you actually are mentioning the withholding of sex? You are actually commenting in ‘the errors of the ignorant no.6’ which is all about withholding sex? That should be the last thing on your mind when you believe that he may be thinking about your daughters sexually ‘from his bunker.’
12345 was kind enough not to tell you her story, else you may have felt guilty for saying all you did to her. The respect i have for her has just multiplied by ten.
I hope you are out of this situation. I hope your daughters are out of this situation. And please, do not turn your back on your children. Please talk to them with compassion and see their point of view, which was YOUR JOB to do a long time ago, as their mother. You did not do it then. At least do it now. Admit to them that it was your mistake to stay as long as you did, in a home that was supposed to be their safe sanctuary. Admit where you went wrong and maybe they will admit where they went wrong since they are adults now. I am sure you are hurting too. I hope you are healing and seeking therapy for your wounds too.
All the best to you and your family.
Sex is for making babies. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but how else would the world populate? I’m not a prude. There is plenty of fun to be had but when push comes to shove, sex is about reproduction.
Have fun with someone who thinks like I do. You won’t.