The Second Emotional Battle : Heart v Head
The first battle that takes places post discard is the Emotional Battle. That is a battle that you are always destined to lose. You will always fight at least one Emotional Battle because you do not know any other way. In all likelihood, you will face several of these post discard battles because you will keep being hoovered back into our grasp until such time as you learn to recognise what you are dealing with and understand what you must do. Eventually and this may take several Emotional Battles before you realise this and are capable of achieving the appropriate response, you either evade the Emotional Battle by escaping as opposed to being discarded, or you prepare yourself for the eventual discard in a manner which means you no longer have to ensure the Emotional Battle. Instead, you move on to the next post discard battle, that of Head versus Heart (“the HvH Battle”).
The HvH Battle (also known as the Logic v Emotion Battle) is a battleground where you stand some chance of victory. This battleground is one where you have gained understanding. It might be through your repeated exposure to our kind so that eventually something has “clicked” into place or more often than not it is as a consequence of an external agent who has explained matters to you. It might by a therapist, a friend, the content of a book, something you saw on YouTube or even something that I have written. Whatever has caused this understanding to increase, it is this which provides you with the fighting chance to win this HvH Battle.
You have been discarded and run the gamut of emotional fall-out thereafter. You may understand what we are. You may understand some of the things that we have done. You may be familiar with the fact that we will try to hoover you back into our grip. You may even be starting to comprehend that what has happened was all predicated on an illusion. The degree of understanding will vary but what is important for you is that you are allowing logical thought to be heard above the raw heat of your emotions. You once again will not just be battling against us but also yourself. We will be looking to hoover you in order to draw you back into our grip or perhaps we will be unleashing a malign hoover since we are unable to draw you back into our false reality and therefore we opt to keep extracting negative fuel by way of punishment for your treachery. You have us as an opponent, but you will also be fighting yourself as your emerging logic grapples with the still churning emotion. You have learned many things and you know you should apply what you have learned but still there is the emotional pull that you experience. You are not removed or detached from your emotions, they have not dimmed either, they are still there, raging away. The hurt, the love, the longing, the passion, the fear and the upset. An ocean of emotion which you once tried to cross but that was the Emotional Battle and you had barely taken four strokes as you began to swim before you were engulfed by the emotion and sank to the bottom of this sea, drowned by your own emotion. Now you have built a vessel. It is made from cool, hard logic. Critical thinking, once a stranger to you during your savage devaluation, has re-appeared. You can analyse and assess. It is unlikely you are able to do so at the level you once enjoyed before we came along but it is there. Whether this vessel is a tiny raft, a dinghy, a boat or a hulking great liner depends very much on the extent of your understanding. The choppy emotional seas will smash against your vessel of logic. A wave of sorrow will buffet you, a tsunami of longing will threaten to swamp you once again. Wave after wave of emotion will try and capsize your vessel as you try to navigate this emotional ocean. Chances are your life raft will be smashed to match wood and you will be tipped into the sea to drown once again as emotion subsumes you and you find yourself back in our hold. Your clipper may be holed beneath the waterline and you start to take on board more and more emotion as steadily you sink beneath the emotional waves once again. It is during this HvH Battle as you try to cross the emotional ocean, because what you must do is reach the dry land beyond and in effect put an ocean but you and us, you will be subjected to the push and pull of your emotions trying to guide you, to control your decision-making, your head will tell you one thing as your heart screams something else at you. This is probably the harder battle for you to fight. In the Emotional Battle, you do not stand a chance and your defeat is swift and total. During the HvH Battle you will make gains, suffer losses, seem to making a breakthrough and then out of nowhere a tidal wave will flip you from your boat and into the churning ocean and you drown once again. All the while we will be whipping up the waves, firing our torpedoes at you as we endeavour to cause you to sink into this emotional ocean yet again and you fail to cross it and win this battle. How might this HvH Battle manifest in the real world?
- You will know you ought not to contact us but you need to send a message to see if we respond.
- You will keep checking our social media profiles to ascertain if you are mentioned, if we are with somebody else and/or to find out what we are doing.
- You will ask about us to our coterie and lieutenants, often unwittingly doing so, so this is fed back to us.
- You will go on dates but find you are always comparing this new person to us and they are always found to be wanting.
- You know what the outcome will be but you just want one more night with us.
- You realise that we are unlikely to change but if you do not try you will ever know, so it is worth one more attempt to talk isn’t it?
- You understand much of what we did and said was a lie, but surely it could not all have been an illusion? There must have been times where we really did love you and you need to ask us about this.
- You know we are bad for you, but you cannot help what you feel. Surely it would be better to stop this pain from being there all the time and just have it occasionally?
- You know you should not reply to our messages but it feels so good to have a conversation with us again. It has been too long.
- You know we are using you, but it feels so damn good.
- One kiss cannot hurt can it?
- You know better now, so going back will be different because you know what to expect. Armed with this new knowledge you can enter the lion’s den again but be better prepared.
- You know we are bad for you but you cannot bear the thought of someone else being with us and perhaps being the one to work.
- What if this time the apology is sincere and the desire to change is real? If you walked away from that, you would only be denying yourself happiness wouldn’t you?
- You understand engaging with us is dangerous but there are things you really need to tell us.
These and others besides are all examples of the inherent tension that arises in this tug-of-war between your cool intellect and your burning emotions.
Can you win this battle that rages post discard? Unlike the first battle, the Emotional Battle which you can never win, you can be victorious. You may have to fight this HvH Battle many times before securing the win. In the beginning you may be clinging to little more than a log as you desperately try to sail the emotional ocean and you are swept from it. However, by reading and understanding, by disciplining yourself to apply logic, to prevent your emotions from engulfing you, by reading more and increasing your knowledge you will begin to increase your logic vessel. From log to raft to dinghy. Still you may be swamped and drowned again. But then it becomes a small boat, a yacht, a clipper, a steamer, a passenger liner, a frigate, a destroyer and a super tanker. Each time you rebuild, better, bigger and stronger as you learn more, making the vessel more seaworthy. You begin to chart routes so you avoid the most tumultuous emotional areas, finally beginning to steer through calmer waters until there it is, on the horizon, the sight of land and the final battle that occurs with our kind post discard.
The HvH Battle is not an easy battle. You will fight it several times, but each time you should be better prepared to cross the emotional ocean and improve your prospects of success. Sometimes you are taken unawares by some of our provocative tactics and dumped unceremoniously into the water once again, but it is a battle you can win through the dedicated application of knowledge and understanding.
41 thoughts on “The Second Emotional Battle : Heart v Head”
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I am pissed because I was the one doing the discarding and he would come back begging and now the tables have turned. Even though he discarded me this time….I do not come back to him…he contacts me complaining that I am not chasing him actually. I keep telling him that we are no more but he refuses to give up but yet I am still feeling discarded and angry with him..yet would never take him back but feeling those same emotions…sometimes I feel like i am a narcissist..not sure which of us are.
With only the other blogs and websites to turn to for help, I was a dingy at best. Still not sea-worthy emotionally because of their touchy, freely, woe-is-me attitudes. No practical advice except NO CONTACT. Well hell. Thanks a bunch. And how do I handle what comes next? After all of the posts on HG’s blog, and reading most of his books, I have been slapped with reality and empowered to deal with it. Yes I’ll fail a few times. I already have. But not as many times as the two times I was devalued and discarded before. And now I can feel my heart “packed in ice” preparing for his next attempt. For there will be one. This guy is not a quitter, but I’m on to him. I will do my best to be ready, using what I have studied here. Thank you, HG.
I believe now I am a Super Empath on a Super Tanker.
Its all because of gaining knowledge.
THANK YOU HG!!
One last thing…..burning the wedding gown! Anyone wanna come celebrate that? 🔥🛢🔥👗🔥💐🔥!! 🔜 🤷🏻♀️💃🥂🎉🆓🎶☮️🌞👏 Oh yeah, oh yeah……
Trash the dress yay!! I was canoeing one time and watched a bride being photographed wading into the river with her dress on…..cool photos. The other ones I’ve seen are paint being thrown at it….sort of Jackson Pollocky and mud wrestling. Let the trashing begin! 🥂🍾
I am an excellent student. Thank you for all the enlightening lessons Professor Tudor 😊
ABB…Just need one more thing to help get the fire started. Hmmm…FUEL !! Wonder where I can get some of that!?!
Can you explain fuel/malice obsession?
https://narcsite.com/2016/10/10/what-is-making-him-come-back/
Exemplary description of crossing the emotional sea to terra firma, NC. Looking forward to part 3.
A great article and most applicable today. Thank you H G!
You are welcome.
Love the imagery here, that really is what it feels like (she shouted down from the huge deck of her supertanker). Great article, HG 🙂
Thank you DJ.
I’ll say it again HG…you are a GOD SEND!!! Your self awareness, honesty and willingness to share it has blessed me exponentially. This post encourages me to persevere no matter how many times I might falter or fall to the depths. Thank you for everything. As contradictory as it might be for a narcissist to give truly good things to others…you are doing it and I am only one of the many beneficiaries. Please don’t ever stop.
Thank you and you are welcome. There is a lot more yet to come.
The battle is all in our head. It really just sucks.
By the way HG, I notice that your blog is fast approaching four million hits already…. seems like only yesterday that we were all lauding the three million! When was that? The word is obviously spreading about you 😉 🙂
It was on the 20 February.
Reckon the next milestone is only a couple of days away. Approx half a million hits a month now. Juggling a successful career, a social life, an IPPS, maybe an IPSS or two, and God knows how many prospects in the pipeline….
Do you think you’ll lose interest in this eventually? Do you think you gain anything from ‘our’ interactions with you? Have any of your contributors ever said something that has made you reevaluate (or even call into question) any part of your mindset?
I know that you’ve stated previously that you see no reason to make adjustments to what you see as a very efficient way of operating, but you’ve also said that during your sessions with the good doctors that in the process of gaining further understanding you are not completely closed minded to the possibility of making adjustments in the future.
This is not meant in a ”please change your ways” regard 😉 🙂 I’m just curious about the possibility of someone with such self awareness actually considering an alteration in their very construct as a possibility, should you ever see fit.
Just reread my post and realise it’s not clear, to clarify, when I asked if you will lose interest in this, I mean do you think you’ll lose interest in maintaining this blog?
No, there is much more to convey yet.
I am so fed up of being in this swirling pit of emotion. I’m not so daft that I don’t see the cold reality of the situation, and cool, hard logic will prevail. I also have no intention of being sucked back in (even though I doubt he will try any time soon), but I am still utterly devastated, confused, hurt, shattered, angry, wounded, grieving…. all of those things and more that you describe HG, and yes, tidal waves still sink me regularly. I am beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get to dry land.
This round, with this guy has really done me! I More than previous toxic relationships I’ve been involved with. I thought I had learned my lessons but no, he was that insidious and devious, and his Mr Wonderful facade so strong and convincing it took a *long* time for me to figure it all out, including my acceptance of the part I’ve played in this rigmarole and why. It then took me even longer to unravel myself from it and do anything about it as I was isolated, conditioned and fearful…. I feel so stuck and sad and ROBBED, my soul has been stolen and I feel like an automaton, or like a spectator in my own life and I can’t seem to get past this stage. It’s still consuming my every waking moment, it never leaves me, I feel no further forward than I was months ago. I would like to ACTUALLY stop giving a shit now, instead of just pretending that I don’t. Does anyone have any ‘life-hacks’ for getting past this nonsense? *LOLs*… *flash of resentful anger*…. *meltdown*…. *sigh*
Hi again PD….
I was also with my ex for a long time and had a family with him too.
Did you know you’re probably going through the stages of grief that are more usually associated to losing a loved one to death rather than narcissism?
It’s perfectly normal – healthy actually. Shows you’re human and more of a concern should you feel nothing…although denial is a part of it, at the beginning though and sounds like you’re much further on than that. Which is good! Even though it’s still crap. If you know what I mean.
If you google key stages of grief (other search engines are available 😁) this might help you and possibly identify where you are in the process….also helpful – well, it was for me anyway. I also remind myself I can do this and I trust everything will be ok. Love is kind, not mean and I deserve to be happy. So I blow a big fat metaphorical raspberry to anyone who doesn’t want to play nice!
Oh and also….as with my other posts about my dinghy getting a puncture, if you saw those, reading and educating myself on all the “crazy” I’d experienced was all well and good but I needed some time out from that too.
All work and no play made VHF a paranoid girl etc. Not that I felt like playing. But letting myself just stare at the wall feeling nothing instead of reading more about the dastardlyness helped too. We’ve had enough darkness. Need to get outside and feel the sun on your skin, hear the birds, and breath some fresh air.
You’ve escaped. You’re free. You will be OK.
Thank you VHF. All of the above make sense to me. I absolutely understand what you say when mentioning the process of grief…. trouble is, I can go through every stage of it in the space of 10 minutes, then repeat ad nauseam. Lol. Also, it’s not a grief I can share with most people because even when you try and explain that this is a different thing than a ‘normal’ break up, they can’t grasp it (and why should they? It’s difficult enough to understand it when it’s you that it happened to). And then of course there’s the fact this is not like grieving the death of a loved one… that ‘finality’, that absolute of resolutions isn’t there.
From this learning curve I’m on since discovering professor Tudor’s works, I’ve realised there’s been lots of narcs in my life, covert types and overt types. Throughout my life of dealing with those, including my grandfather, father, brother, ex husband who was also father of my 3 kids, a particularly toxic boss, etc etc, this sensitive little girl toughened up, somehow instinctively disengaged at various stages in order to heal/protect myself and kids from further harm, and thought I could spot ‘toxic’ from a mile off. *Big fail*…. my guard was obviously not as effective as I thought because this one’s been the worst!, the most sneaky, left me the most shattered, and set my personal position back to somewhere behind square 1 (I feel further back than I’ve ever been… i can’t even think of a starting point in that regard).
Even though I can apply cold hard logic to rationalise the whole sorry mess of how I’ve ended up ‘here’, and how he gets to swan off having covertly stolen ‘my life’… his reputation intact because people don’t see past ‘the facade’, I’m really struggling with picking up the pieces and moving forward this time. I’ve definitely got as far as trying to be kind to myself 😉
The heart v head battle to cross the emotional sea friggin sucks?! I’m p*ssed off at having to do it again, but reality bites and I know I have to! I just wish it’d hurry up!! *sigh* 😉
Thanks again for the encouraging words. It’s validating for me here, and both comforting and saddening that others know what it’s like, but I also know what you mean about sometimes needing to take a breather!
Ah well, on we go….. if only I knew in which direction 😉
I too needed to see this today.
I thought I was safely on my tanker about to dock dry land but it disappeared into thin air this weekend and I plummeted into the abyss of cray cray!
Not from missing him (I’m totally aware of what he is and have zero emotion regarding him) but missing my cool hard logic for sure! It’s been brewing for a while perhaps but I realised mainly since finding and absorbing myself in this blog! It set me back about a year! Paranoid about the sympathetic replies from the posters who answered me…saw them like sirens all of a sudden, all part of it! In cahoots with you HG. Told my friend about it and that I had to stay away from your site but, like a relationship with a narc I kept taking a peek. Shouldn’t even be telling you this should I!
The power you must feel from being able to elicit such reactions not even in person…you can’t have all the credit of course as it wouldn’t have been possible had I not been so messed with by one of your kind in the past.
But this post made me feel safe enough to pop up above the parapet again. Thank you. I think.
See, as I’m typing this even your posts, to me, mirror a toxic relationship cycle. Searingly raw then kind and soothing. *Shudders*
At least I’m aware of it I guess.
HG – did you keep my replies to your personal jesus post in moderation because you could see my rapidly increasing descent? Or were they just not interesting/relevant/worthy of acknowledgement.
Hi IFBMCAN, there are a number of posts in moderation. I have been otherwise engaged and I will working through them as quickly as I can, there is not other reason for them being there.
Thank you for letting me know HG.
I have changed my moniker btw. First one was too negative.
Not 100% there yet but my aim is indifference… more please post more ☺️ Need also to get more of your books this weekend since the N is pestering and the mind and logic is equal balance ..
Third part is coming. Yes do read the books.
Thank you HG, so much, for reiterating this. Your words are so encouraging and we need them.
Thank you for helping us to believe we can get through all this…as you point out..some days the ‘vessal’ takes on water.
Its good to be reminded how ‘normal/usual’ that can be…not to be hard on ourselves on top of everything else and not to give up.
Rough seas are disheartening and I am weary.
You are welcome Debbie.
After causing him a huge wound in the sexual arena, I got my corrective hoover but went NC. It’s been months. On daily bases he is stil ltrying to log into my accounts. Why? Is he low or high on fuel?
I cannot say without knowing about what type of narcissist he is and the extent of his other interactions. There are however repeated hoover triggers causing what he is doing.
He most possible is an elite upper mid range. Log in attempts are several times a day.. I wonder what causes the repeated hoover triggers if I keep NC.
Probably a fuel obsession.
This was exactly what I needed today! Thank you x100
Ok, that’s where I’m at….for the second time around….
You mentioned the land beyond this battlefield, did you say there’ll be one final battle there or when we reach the land we are finally through with you!?
Are we going to have to face you again?
See Part 3
Also I do not think for one second that he happens to be showing up wherever I am is a coincidence. I already know he is stalking my Facebook via one of his flying monkies. The difference is i am not in the dark about the ultimate motive Aka my fuel delicious milkshake. I don’t make up stories anymore that he misses me and that is why he is doing it. Forever grateful for you HG.
That is correct HG. Don’t believe the hype….it’s a sequel! ! Saw him out 2 times this week and nothing. Zero emotion. When I am alone I sometimes get angry but that’s it. Nothing. What a foreign thing to me. My friend’s tilt their heads like dog’s in total disbelief. I am not trying or acting. I feel nothing. Thanks