The Dirty Dozen
Number One
Well, I wouldn’t describe her as a bad person. Not bad per se, but I suppose she just was unable to handle my popularity. After all, I cannot help the fact that people are drawn to me can I? Naturally I always reassured her. I suppose being so young she was always going to be insecure but there is only so much that one can do about that I suppose. Terrible thing jealousy. Makes people do things they really ought not to. She hasn’t really ever let go to be frank, no, I know, even after all this time.
Number Two
Sometimes you just get it wrong don’t you? I mean, normally I am so good at reading people but I completely got it wrong with this one. Talk about doing a good job of hiding your true self. She was sweetness and light at first and seemed quite a relaxed person. I think that is why I was drawn to her after the possessiveness of number one but I realise now it was just for show. Such anger and all the time. My god, she could power a city with the furious rage she gave off. I thought at times she would explode. I had to make myself scarce many times to stay out of her line of fire. Still do in fact.
Number Three
Grade A lunatic. The whole nut job routine. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. If I thought number two was bad with her foul temper, then number three was even worse. Seemed like a quiet person at first, the ideal antidote to Miss Furious but beneath that sweet smile and butter would not melt façade this was a conniving, scheming, manipulative harridan. I honestly expected she would break my ankles in order to keep me where she could keep an eye on me, you know, just like the film version of Misery. Thank the lord for a fast car and a fast lawyer, that restraining order is worth its weight in gold believe me.
Number Four
Alcoholic. This girl could drink even me under the table and I can handle my drink. Tequila for breakfast, wine for lunch (times two) and vodka before dinner. Like a stick she was, barely ate, but she could put it away. Months after I had her removed from the house (long story short pills plus booze plus psycho do not go well together) I was still finding half-drunk bottles of Stolichnaya and Finlandia hidden around the house. I must admit, I still shudder if I get a whiff of Pernod.
Number Five
Ice maiden. Now I am always one to respect a lady and her body. Yes means yes and no means no, I am totally with all of that, but this one, well, yes meant no and no meant never. Believe me I tried to prise her open, you know, overcome whatever it was that had her coiled tighter than a watch spring and colder than a glacier but even more well-known warmth and hospitable nature floundered when faced with the Queen of Winter. What appeared elegant and serene just became a frozen wasteland. I can usually make anybody melt but not this one and after all, a man has needs doesn’t he? It is not too much to expect some relief is it from time to time?
Number Six
She wanted to be my mother, I kid you not. Seemed like such a caring person at first, warm, considerate and after the other five degenerates I thought to myself, okay, she isn’t your usual hard body but in all honestly, where has that got me so far. Not that she was ugly, far from it, just a little different from my usual tastes. So, I thought that she would make a welcome change but she took it too far. Making me packed lunches even when I told her I was having lunch with clients, putting out my clothes for me to wear in the morning even when I wanted to wear something else, answering for me, re-arranging appointments for me in case I over-tired myself, suggesting I take a mid-afternoon nap and so on. All done with that weird smile she gave me. Fruitcake.
Number Seven
You know me, I am a great listener, always have been. I am always ready to listen to people because I am interested in what they have to say, I put other people first and so I have plenty of patience but this one, good lord, she just would not shut up. From the moment she woke up her mouth started flapping. Even talked in her sleep, which was not really a surprise. Talked while she ate, talked when I was on the ‘phone, talked to me through the bathroom door when I wanted some privacy, talked during sex and I don’t mean dirty talk but discussing whether she ought to buy a new pair of shoes. The day she got a sore throat was a day to rejoice and kick her into touch so she couldn’t protest.
Number Eight
Katarina Chaos as I used to call her. This woman was a walking disaster area. Habitually late which always irritated me, clumsy (my dry cleaning bill soared), always forgetting things (went through four mobile phones in a month) and a magnet for misfortune. If there was a puddle she would always manage to step in it even when it was harder to do so than to avoid it. She would get trapped in the tube’s doors, lifts would always breakdown with her in them, her car would not start and she would ring (on the most recent mobile before she lost that) explaining her latest mishap. Endearing lady, no doubt about it, kind and amusing, but just so disorganised. Put the wrong bins out at collection time, turned up in formal wear on dress down days, it just became embarrassing and whilst I am not rigid about these things I do like to be organised. Amazingly she was a project manager, I know, I nearly choked when she told me that.
Number Nine
Psycho. Always wanted to know where I was. Kept ringing repeatedly and asking me to send her a photograph of where I was to make sure I was where I said I was. Most unnerving. Would turn up without warning and she had that uncanny ability to just sidle up unheard and be at your shoulder. Holy Toledo, it would make me jump. I swear she put a tracker on my car given the number of times she turned up at places even though there was no feasible way she ought to have known where I was. I used to be up and down through the night checking through my blinds and expect her to be stood outside staring through the window with that thousand-yard stare. Very worrying.
Number Ten
Control freak. All her DVDs were in alphabetical order. All the tins in her cupboards had the labels facing the same way. Had to take your shoes off when you entered her house but get this, she made you wear a brand new pair of slippers each time to walk around inside which she then burned afterwards. What a weirdo. Nothing out of place. Always wanted to make decisions for me. No fork ever ventured into the knife section in the drawer. I daresay she ironed the sheets in the bed after we made love and I caught her timing us when we did hit the sack. I should imagine she had a spreadsheet which she compiled on her computer of the orgasm versus number of humps ratio. Wanted me to sit in a particular place whenever I visited and would never let me in the study explaining that it was a “controlled environment” whatever that meant. Mind you when I tipped a rubbish bag through her letter box I think she got the message that things were not working out for us.
Number Eleven
You are amazing. I adore you. I am so lucky that I have you and you listen to me, it is so wonderful to meet, finally, somebody like you. You have no idea what it means to me to be able to talk to you like this and to tell you everything about what has gone in the past. I really do appreciate it. You are so open-minded and tolerant and it puts me at ease, it really does. I know some people would not like to hear about their partner’s previous relationships but I have nothing to hide from you and I know you will not judge me for it, it can only make you and I stronger because I truly appreciate you.
Number Twelve
Number eleven? What a ballbreaker she was. Never listened to me, always commenting about me, even when I tried to explain things to her. Jumped to conclusions, never let me finish what I wanted to say. Oh and so judgemental too which was really hurtful. Slated my other relationships. Yes, they were not perfect, that’s why they ended, but she went overboard in her critical assessment of them and it was obviously done to make me feel small. Still, you are not like that are you? Thank goodness.
And that’s how the dirty dozen unfolds (okay it’s way more but you get the picture).
54 thoughts on “The Dirty Dozen”
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HG
reg: female narcs
You said : ” they have a higher percentage regarding the use of sex”..
you mean to seduce?
Would they also have multiple IPPS? as the males? and facade building .. and lies…. etc??
I found it almost unbeliavable that women can be like that, as i’ve always thought that men are more prone to be promiscuous and be cheaters..
or be as Don Juan.
but i guess yes, even females must be, if they are narcs.
Yes and to devalue.
No, only one IPPS.
I did not state that they would necessarily be cheaters (although they will often cheat) but they will use sex a lot for the purposes of manipulation – giving great sex, wanting it often, promising it, withdrawing it – all of that involves sex and not necessarily infidelity.
HG
Okay.
But if they cheat, then it is infedelity.
It goes for both sexes of course.
But i believe most women that have a family ( husband and kids, are less likely to be narcs?)
As for men it is easier to have a lover, and it is common.
Angelic, I believe statistically more narcs are men, but all the women narcs I know have been or are married and have children – usually only one child, no more than three. There are several reasons a woman narc might want children – none of which bode well for the children. And in my experience when a married man is having an affair, it is often with a married woman. Narcissistic women cheat on their husbands often if there is opportunity.
Windstorm, thank you very much. I thought my comment hadn’t got through moderation and I actually thanked HG for not letting it through and saving my dignity lol. I was looking on the wrong thread though. It was a weak moment when I wrote that. I admit being confused but I know deep down I’m not a narc. I take in stray animals and I do volunteer work for a domestic abuse team amongst other things. I think you have just nailed it for me when you said about putting other people first. Yes I have always done that and I have struggled with ever putting myself first. My therapist convinced me to give it a go though and wherever possible think about what ‘I’ want. Obviously family comes first but I have started to think about myself more. I used to hate being in any kind of spotlight but now I quite like it! When I first escaped I suffered a nervous breakdown and following that I had no option but to get help. Even that was hard! I didn’t want to take up a doctor’s appointment when someone else might need it more! Mad really when I think about it but that’s how I’ve always been. It’s only this last month that I have been persuaded to be signed off work. Before then I refused sick notes as I didn’t want to let my colleagues down!
Crazy. I’m no narc. I’m just struggling to put myself first and allow myself the self attention to heal. Why does that seem so hard and selfish?!
Thank you so much again, you have really nailed it for me that I’m not going crazy and I’m pretty normal (ish) 😊
Sorry for my English, it isn’t my native…
I’m a number eleven type and, unfortunately, we aren’t so “amazing” and “adorable” as you think, Tudor.
You share your secrets here (not the deepest ones though; they sound more like the consequences, then the causes of Narc behaviour), but, anyway, I want to share mine.
When I hear how “amazing”, “understanding”, “open-minded”, “not judgemental”, “wise”, and “attentive” I am, I always smile sadly from inside. Yes, I am. And yes, they are wrong.
My “miraculous” qualities have very simple explanation. I’m not capable to love and, because of it, I don’t care about people deeply.
I’m just a good listener.
Yes, I’m capable to feel their pain, I’m capable to understand their internal world, I’m capable to emphatize, I’m capable to harmonize them in some ways, but… I don’t care about them.
I don’t judge anyone not because I’m so “amazing” and “open-minded”, but because I don’t care what they do with their lives. I take people as they are not because I’m so “amazing”, etc…etc, but because I don’t care. If they disappear from my life, I’ll never notice it. And if I notice it, I won’t care about it. People come and go. Life is life. Nothing personal.
I can be generous and giving person, when I want to act in such way, and some people start to think that they got an unlimited access to “crying pillow”. When they become too insistent and “greedy” for my attention and I don’t like it, I remove them from my life using non-hurtful way. I know how to hurt people, but I never do it. I don’t need their energy, neither positive, nor negative.
I have a Narc father. Great man. His own life is pretty interesting and scandalous. Poor women. Poor father. I think, he’ll never reach his final happiness and internal harmony, because he doesn’t know where to find it. Once, I told him “If you don’t find it inside of you, you’ll never find it elsewhere”. He said me nothing to that and it wasn’t his usual behaviour.
My first husband was a Narc too. He was a drama king, but we lived peacfully together for 7 years. Like a friends with benefits. He was a nightmare for everyone outside of home, but at home he was himself, without a mask, relaxed. I think, that even Narcs need a place where they can have a rest from people and themselves.
I left him because I felt I wanted more from this life. I wanted personal changes. I wanted to grow up. He didn’t expect it and, of course, he didn’t take it easy. But he knew that if I make decision, it is final. No one and nothing could change my mind.
Of course, my decision hurted him and he acted according to his mind-set. Our divorce (13 years ago) was respectful, at least from my part.
We live in different cities now, but we talk to each other from time to time (phone calls only, we’ve never seen each other after divorce), he tells me about his life and we discuss his good and bad news. He knows that there is no way back, no single chance to us as a couple again, but it seems he appreciates our friendship.
He knows that I know exactly who he is in real. And he always ends our conversations with words “You are amazing”. And I know why he has such illusion. Because I’m not capable to love and, because of it, I don’t care about him and his life.
I’m just a good listener.
hi HG, do you ever meet other narcs? (the female)
what do you think about them?
I do. Some are in my family, I have met some through work and socially. I use some to further my aims, some I draw fuel from but I would never enter a romantic relationship with one unless I was stranded on a desert island, the fuel is not to the standard I require.
I am so confused. I think I may have developed into a narc. Or maybe have BPD. Or maybe I’m a super empath.
I can’t decide anymore. I have always hated attention but I recently have started to love attention. I’m forever putting photos on FB nowadays. I’ve lost a lot of weight since escaping ex husband and I think I’ve never looked better. I admit to loving my friends and family confirming that. I’m also very wrapped up in myself at the moment. Maybe that isn’t C-PTSD afterall. Maybe I’m BPD or maybe I’ve become a narc….
When I read about super empaths I thought I had nailed it as my story differed to most as in I kicked arse and played him at his own game. Now I’m not sure I’m a super empath. I may just be a narc.
Please can anyone help?
Karen1303,
Can you feel empathy for other people and animals who are in pain and suffering? If you can, then you are not a narcissist and will not become one. That’s the bottom line. Standing up for yourself, defending yourself, taking pride in yourself, pampering yourself and focusing on yourself and your happiness in your recovery do not mean you a narcissist. That’s the type of things that normal people do. If you are like me, you may have suppressed those things for years while you focused on other people’s needs, so now as you recover and get healthier, it seems wrong. But it is not. 😊
Windstorm – p.s. you just made me cry with your post. In a good way. Obviously my fears were more deep rooted than I thought.
Thank you.
And HG I am really glad now that you let my post through. Doesn’t matter about my embarassment….weakness is ok. (Not to you obviously haha)
Runs off singing “HG knows best HG knows best” (I can see you rolling your eyes and saying “of course I do”) 😊
Here is a scenario Mr. Tudor. You’re stranded on a desert island with 2 females.
1. Mid upper range elite
2. Codependent
But you don’t know the location of the codependent. Only the mid elite knows where she is.
What would you do?
Extract the location from the MURE.
Secure C-D.
You could easily manipulate the MURE? Wouldn’t she know not to disclose the location given that she was already manipulating and fueling from C-D? Why would she give up her supply?
But she is Mid Range so she does not know what she is.
Nor did your scenario state that the Mid-Ranger was fuelling from the C-D, you just stated that the MURE knew where the C-D is.
Even is she was, why does it follow that she has to give up her appliance? She does not know what I am, she does not know what my intentions are, indeed, they will appear benign to her.
I see. Sneaky sneaky.
My experience with mids has been that they’re suspicious by nature. They don’t like to share their friends or lovers with anyone.
Why is that, why is the fuel of less quality?
What are the fuel standards?
I’m jus trying to understand what fuel is, it’s very hard for us to understand it.
If you read Fuel, it has the answers.
HG
Are female narcissist behaving as the male ones?
There must be a difference.
There are many similarities but there are two stand-out factors.
1. If you were to break our arsenal down percentage-wise, the female narcissist would have a higher percentage regarding the use of sex, than the male narcissist; and
2. A greater proportion of female narcissists are Mid-Range. There are of course Lesser and Greater female narcissists, but they are more extensively represented in the Mid-Range school.
Out of interest are the very things they ‘love’ about us the very things they will attempt to destroy purposefully? Or at the very least use against us by saying the opposite in the smear campaign. Is that deliberate? And if so is that to destroy who we are and how other people see us?
I could never understand the need for the vicious smear campaign. He made an absolute tool of himself by ranting constantly on FB about what a bitch I was and at the same time stating he was the one acting with dignity and I wasn’t. (I put NOTHING on FB whatsoever. Speaks for itself no?)
Of course now I understand the smear campaign but I’m still curious as to whether they are deliberate in the things they smear us with.
I feel I will always take a compliment as a red flag now and associate it with how I might be potentially smeared in the future.
I’m half way through reading ‘ Red Flag’ so forgive me if my question is answered later in the book.
Oh my word! I have just spotted my grammatical mistake….please replace ‘constantly’ with ‘repeatedly’ my apologies HG!
See I read and I learn…. 😊
I am pleased you picked up on constantly/repeatedly!
The book Smeared will give you the answers Karen.
Thank you.
HG, were any of these girls narcissists?
After reading this, I can say my narc husband sure is a lucky man. Me, not so much on the luck of a partner. thank you
All of them, they tricked me and ensnared me. Which is of course the insinuation in the real-word.
(No, no they were not.)
So there is the non-real word??
They say after a nuclear holocaust the cockroach will still be here. I think the narcissist will be right next to him. I am tempted to say he would then kill the cockroach, but perhaps not because he will need the supply.
Cockroaches are rubbish fuel. Far better to allow some empaths into the bunker.
Yes you’ll know us when we crawl over to you on broken legs and ask if you’re all right.
Fair point.
Best line ever.
lmao!!!
Actually, according to my research, there are physical differences between us and them. They have literally thicker skin, something to do with the central nervous system functioning differently on the skin surface, and it’s connected to the lack of positive emotions. They Seem to have a different pain threshold. Also better survival skills, and so called street smarts. Of course the predatory instincts are the biggest advantage so your comment is not that far fetched from reality.
I agree that there is a difference in the sensitivity of touch on the skin. Would the different function in the central nervous system mean that the skin is figuratively thicker rather than being literally thicker though?
I don’t mean the skin is thicker literally, figuratively only. It is less sensitive, thus increasing the threshold for pain endurance.
Thank you for clarifying. You wrote that we have literally thicker skin, hence my comment.
olol, don’t worry, you’re not an alligator..
Emotional Detective, look up Highly Sensitive Person HSP. People with increased sensitivity of central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli.
It’s emotion detective, not emotional. I detect emotions, to see if one is a narcissist or not.
I’m not emotional, I’m a very logical person.
I was not trying to offend you, my dear. It was just a typo. I make a lot of them. I actually thought you might find HSP interesting, for your book.
As to HSP, it really means not a whole lot to me. It’s a made up syndrome that doesn’t exist. Same as Narcisstic Personality Disorder, it doesn’t exist. I wonder how can somebody come up with a name for something without defining its constituent parts? What is personality, what is the definition? If you don’t define what personality is, don’t use it to make up a name for a whole disorder affecting perhaps millions of people.
Same here, define sensitive first. Where does the sensitivity originate, and do you even know what takes place in your central nervous system to cause sensitivity?
If you do not know the answers to all these questions, don’t make up names for disorders that only compound misunderstandings, especially if they are designed to help, to cure, or heal.
HSP is not a disorder or syndrome. It is a trait. Studies have been conducted to prove the response of such individuals. If you are interested, you can read https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4086365/
I didn’t mean that some people or more sensitive than others, it’s a given. My problem is with coming up with names of whether it’s a disorder or trait or whatever, by using undefined or undefinable words, and basing whole theories on this undefined words. Is this science or religion?
Once proven that narcissism is a genetic disorder, it will be apparent how crazy of a nonesense the narcissistic personality disorder is.
Both NPD and HSP are crazy pseudo science with no base in objective reality. They are placeholders for the lack of true science, just as god is a placeholder for the unknown.
But thank you for the link, Love. The study when understood from the perspective of what empathy truly is, reveals it’s power. The sensitivity and deep processing both are a part of it, empathy is it’s driver.
And a lack of it is called narcissism. Empathy is central to both, not just a side dish.
I’m making a lot of typos, sorry. It’s I’m always in a rush, feel so sloppy nowadays. I think I’m still experiencing complex ptsd symptoms, can’t always focus when it comes to this topic, or any topic. In my real life things aren’t good either, but I’m strong, and I know where I’m going. I think it’s all because I still love him and worry how he is after I’ve escaped. When HG posted about Why I Haven’t Heard from him, this is exactly what’s going on. I’ve moved away in April, away from his viscinity, his hunting grounds, and he has no energy to pursue me further. Only posted sad heartbreaking songs on FB, and a sad selfie. I think he’s as broken as I am. He belongs to this type that feels love, but doesn’t feel empathy. I believe it’s possible, because love is located elsewhere, closer to primal instincts, which all of you narcissists experience.
E.D
Do you mean the cockroaches or the Narcs?
HG,
You are really funny! Which one is Lesley, and are you done with them yet (apart from Lesley)?
I am never done with any of them.
The article does not necessarily correspond to an order of my IPPSs but is drawn from the way of regarding them for the purpose of conveying our mind set when we engage with a fresh IPPS.
that was the wrong link
this one: https://youtu.be/gJLIiF15wjQ
I set up a appointment to talk to you.??.
Your 12 sound pathetic
.id rather be alone
..Have you not met your match.??
.We are (me and mine) are equally attractive, smart,in your 50’s
educated, ALL of it.
the sex was addictive to him and me
That’s how i found out about narcs.
i googled am i a sex addict. We would get adderal for the weekend. NO VIGAR needed.we fucked and made love for hours, days and for months..
he would always say..before i figured him out..there was no faking this(i’d say your dick don’t lie)lol…
that i loved him for the sex…
so when i let him come back..(LONG LONG STORY..i evicted him)
hardly any sex…he did have back problems..he would have fucked me..hes done some many TERRIBLE thing..(now to FAMILY)
they know hes mental..(i dont have to say a word)RAGE got out of contro
l..anyway SONG..where my demond lie
adel..we could have had it all..id sing the corus your gonna wish you never had met me..lol
instead of looking in the mirror..when YOU hate yourself everyday
im a GREAT date
drink gamble fish bike cook fuck…..super emth…now NOVA
how do you leave a place on the ocean and lake
loved warts and all…just need you to love you…
hes broken…ball player..no more
bankruptcy..repo..lost it all…
HOW DO YOU move in with dumb, junkie looking over trailer park with two teen ago boys…
FUEL really???
You knew you wer’ent breaking me…might fuck with me..break me NEVER
no better revenge ..then going good and looking BETTER>>
call me
SHELLY/NOVA
Number ten, that’s me. Add no plastic, zero waste life.
White everything, white carpet, that was my apartment back then. So of course, in the morning the white carpet was gray from the ash, his cigarette and weed smoking. And plastic half empty water bottles left in my fridge.
And when we went for a walk, he would start littering the sidewalk.
At first I thought it was just random, no more..
He would do these contrary things. He would wear worn shabby clothes with cigarette holes in his pants to an artist cocktail party.
And make me go to the only bathroom together to make out.
Oh, I love ironed sheets, a must have for a good nights sleep.
Lucky 13 here. 12 was rotten and terrible, but I’m not and you would never ever make me out to be crazy, would you? No, I’m the only one who gets you. 🐗🦁
My ex was attracted to me because –
I was a great Mother
I was a great listener
I always saw the good in people
I was classy
When I escaped my ex told everyone-
I was a terrible Mother
I never listened to him
I found fault in everyone I knew
I was trashy.
Go figure.