Locked On Target
We select our targets. It is not a matter left to chance when it comes to identifying those people we choose to ensnare and entangle with. You were picked. There was nothing random about. Thus you can be assured that as a consequence of this most deliberate act you were never at fault. The process of training our sights on certain individuals and in particular that person we choose as our intimate partner who almost always forms our primary source of fuel, is one which has a number of key considerations.
The methodology of our selection of our target is governed, initially, by two considerations.
- What we are; and
- The role we wish to fill.
These two considerations will then cause us to target certain people on the basis that they will be the optimum person for our needs. In terms of what we are, of course we are narcissists and you will be familiar with the various traits by which we are defined as being that personality type. Not all of those traits are present with every narcissist and whilst it is worthwhile you being aware of those traits it is far more important for you to recognise the type of narcissist that you may have been involved with and perhaps even more importantly the type or possibly types that may target you in the future. Some of our victims satisfy us whatever type of narcissist we are whereas others are more suited to a particular type thus certain of our kind will not bother targeting that victim.
Narcissists are drawn from two schools and what I refer to as four cadres. The schools are those of being of a Lesser variety, Mid-Range Variety or a Greater variety. The cadres are the Victim, the Somatic, the Cerebral and the Elite Narcissist. Narcissists belong to both a school and a cadre although there is not a category of narcissist for every combination of school and cadre as some are mutually exclusive. It is necessary for you to understand not only the schools and cadres but also the relevant combinations. This is for the following reasons: –
- You will understand what to expect from the behaviour of the relevant class of narcissist;
- This will shape the way he or she targets their victims, since different classes look for different traits in their victims;
- You will learn to recognise those different types since you understand the classes of narcissist that exist; and
- You will have a greater understanding of why the narcissist is drawn to you so you can take the appropriate action.
Accordingly, by knowing what we are this will in turn allow you to understand much about how our targeting of victims operates.
The second fundamental part of our methodology concerns your role in your entanglement with us.In terms of that role, the overriding objective of course is the provision of fuel and this means that the role is divide into two distinct categories: –
- The Primary Source of Fuel; and
- Supplementary Sources
The Primary Source of Fuel
This is the category that you are most likely to belong to. Those who are in the supplementary sources are less likely to realise that they have been ensnared by our kind because those in the category of supplementary sources are usually (although not always) kept in the golden period for the purposes of positive fuel and the maintenance of that all important façade. Those who are in this category of primary source of fuel have the greatest exposure to us, experience the elation of the sustained seduction which goes beyond anything anyone in the supplementary source category would ever experience and you also then face the horror of the devaluation, the bewilderment of discard and the lure of the Hoover. You were chosen because we determined that you would fulfil the role of the primary source especially well because we ascertained when we targeted you that you would provide fuel on a frequent basis, of a high-grade and in copious amounts. This determination is linked to what type of narcissist we are and there are many of your traits which make you most suitable for the position of primary source with your particular narcissist. The fundamental point to understand is that those chosen for this role must almost always be an intimate partner. There may be occasions when, owing to urgency and a lack of available options, this role might be filled with a family member or a friend but that is rare. The intimate partner is always preferred in the role of primary source. There are several reasons for this: –
- You spend the most time with us out of all the people we interact with and therefore you are best placed to provide us with fuel more frequently than anyone else;
- You have been chosen because you believe in love and the attraction of being in a relationship. You place great value in these things and therefore you will give a heightened emotional response. You want to be in a relationship so you will give more to it, you will work harder to make it work and preserve it. You will be more loving, more appreciative and more admiring. Similarly, when devaluation occurs you will experience hurt on a greater level, frustration, upset and anger and accordingly your emotional response and thus fuel will be far greater;
- We will invariably reside with you, either by spending time at your house or my house together a lot of the time or by moving in together. This will enable us to maintain the façade whilst we mete out our less desirable behaviour towards you behind closed doors. This would be much harder if the primary source was a friend or colleague.
- It is from you that we will look to receive some of the shards and segments of attributes and characteristics that are applied to our construct;
- We will also require a whole range of ancillary benefits which arise from what you are when you are placed in the role of primary source, for example somebody who might lend us money, provide a roof over our heads, be our nursemaid and so on.
Accordingly, the person who becomes our primary source is the most important selection of all those that we interact with. You are our chief provider of fuel and you must give us a whole host of other benefits. We must ensure we make an excellent choice when we choose the person who is to fulfil the role of primary source.
The Supplementary Sources
The supplementary sources of fuel are all those who provide us with fuel who fall outside of the primary source. Since the primary source is almost without exception an intimate partner this means that supplementary sources are anybody else we interact with, other than this intimate partner. This includes family, friends, colleagues, strangers and others beside all of whom are ranked according to the potency of the fuel that they provide to us.
We extract fuel from all these different types of relationship. We also acquire shards and segments from them for the purposes of our construct. We apply consideration (although not as much as we do when we target out primary source) to those people who we want to be in these various positions to ensure that they fulfil their role. This selection applies to nearly all of the people in the relevant categories contained within supplementary sources in the following ways: –
- Their ability to provide us with positive fuel (occasionally negative – but almost exclusively positive);
- Their capacity to provide something else of use to use e.g. their willingness to give us money, carry out work on our behalf, the provision of a place to live where we need a bolthole during a silent treatment and so on;
- Their ability to provide us with some trait or attribute which is required for our construct.
These are the three things we look for most of all when we are targeting individuals to be admitted (or remain) within the group of supplementary source. Those are the initial considerations. With those in higher- ranking groups the process is also finessed in order to determine those who will best provide positive fuel, those who will best provide some other benefit and those who will provides us with the best traits for the construct. The forerunners in those categories, which we identify through a number of methods, become those who we admit into those groupings and form one of our supplementary sources of fuel.
These are the overriding considerations when we consider who we will target and you ought to have regard to them in order to understanding how to protect yourself. We build on these central principles through further refined and focussed methods of targeting you in order to choose the perfect victim who will suit or purposes as far as possible.
To gain additional and unrivalled understanding and insight into how we target you and the reasons for this, read Sitting Target.
US http://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Target-How-Narcissist-Chooses-ebook/dp/B01D09B3KS
UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sitting-Target-How-Narcissist-Chooses-ebook/dp/B01D09B3KS
CAN https://www.amazon.ca/Sitting-Target-How-Narcissist-Chooses-ebook/dp/B01D09B3KS
AUS http://www.amazon.com.au/Sitting-Target-How-Narcissist-Chooses-ebook/dp/B01D09B3KS
57 thoughts on “Locked On Target”
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The more I read the more I’m understanding. He has told me he is working me to be his “full time, day time, night time woman” I thought it was cute in the beginning. Not so sure now. He knows exactly what he is doing. And he is telling me the truth in such blind openness. However, I did read that if you tell the persona they are a narc, they react. I once told him he is and he just got this smirk and looked down. I thought I hurt his feelings. Now when I remember it, it’s just creepy. He didn’t react with denying though. Does this mean he is not?
It appears he knows what he is and finds your acquisition of knowledge amusing.
Where did you read they’d react to you telling them they are a narc?
Hi HG
I know you don’t really use this term but the cerebral narc ?
I’m still trying to understand because I tend to think of them as being very clever or academic ?
Can they be considered cerebral if this is not the case ?
Thanks
I do use the term. It is one of my cadres – see Sitting Target for more.
Thank you for clarifying. I have a really difficult time accepting that though I know you are being direct. There are moments where the mask slips and the most oddly timed sentences would come out of his mouth about being a bad person or only hurting others in the idealisation phase. Sometimes he’d elaborate but in such a vague manner it truly didn’t seem like much of anything beyond fairly low self esteem and horrible relationships. Sometimes he’d leave his remarks as just that. Once devaluation began he didn’t do that anymore, but it definitely makes sense looking back. I’m not sure he recalls saying those things or just doesn’t want to day he does. He claims he doesn’t remember 99% of the idealisation phase whatsoever actually. But him having said that then makes it difficult to believe he has zero awareness now. Would it have just been him testing me then?
Mr. Tudor,
I’m hoping you can clarify the self-awareness, or lack thereof, of the mid-range. The tactics of which you write indicate manipulative forethought. For example, “comfort crumbs”. I infer such articles to mean narcissists know full well what they are doing. Is this accurate?
Hello Angie, it depends on the school of narcissist. Lesser and Mid-Range (the vast majority of narcissists) have no awareness or insight. They act mainly through instinct (some Mid-Rangers have a degree of calculation about their behaviour but it is not based on knowing what they are). Greaters know what they are doing.
Thank you.
I’m curious though, how many times can they claim not to know what they are until it’s been brought up so many times by various people that they have to know what they are…? At what point is that just an excuse vs actual unawareness? You’d think after months to years of complaints and broken friendships and relationships that it couldn’t be denied any longer.
No, you see you are still looking at this Catlady from your perspective. You think “If all these people keep pointing it out and he has some intelligence, surely he must realise what he is?” That is true from your perspective, but the Lesser and the Mid-Range is constructed so they just do not see it. They are automatically set-up to deflect,deny and reject.
You state – ” Look here is evidence of you Mr Narcissist telling lies.”
The narcissist automatically hears an attack (plus potential fuel) and therefore will instinctively reject what you are saying, accuse you of lying, bring up something else, blame-shift – whatever it takes to assert superiority, gain fuel and heal any wound caused by criticism. They do not see it because of a different perspective from yours.
HG, RE: your words on how a narcissist ‘reacts’ when they sense (and on rare occasions when they know what they are) that someone is saying things that (I’ve started laughing here!), there is sometimes, not often, a change in their demeanour (not always a ‘404’ LOL) as their narcissism ‘adjusts’ and ‘acts’ accordingly. Many times I have seen this. In many people during my lifetime.
Having said that, reflecting on myself and what I have learned to understand about myself, there were occasions where I may have felt ‘discomfort’ ie due to a ‘trigger’ of the bad times (abuse / memory), or, when I am not understanding the situation (because of Aspergers & deafness – social interaction / communication), it may come across as the behaviours of a narcissist to someone who is not aware (of my co-morbidities; or my past) as me being awkward; lacking intelligence; obtuse; unresponsive (LOL); rude. In the past I certainly felt similar to a narcissist’s threat to control. Maybe there were occasions where reduced empathy that were in fact a threat to my control (“A lack of control now returns us to a lack of control then” RE: your article ‘To Control is to Cope : Narcissism and Its Creation’).
No wonder I struggled for so fkg long! Since I can now establish which of my co-morbidities is being affected by what triggers it because I am aware of myself as an individual, I can – if within my ‘power’ to do so – make ‘adjustments’ to my environment. Alas, sometimes it is not possible to ‘adjust’ because it is an external stressor.
It is about learning to ‘manage’ the emotions and thoughts behind it.
Some people may not be able to gauge how much your work has assisted me to change how I approach ‘situations’, how I now look at myself and other people around me. My success on what I have achieved is down to the existence of your Legacy. Thank you so much, HG (and for your time) xx
Can a midranger be both a victim and somatic? Say more somatic but if frustrated then display more victim and vice versa? If not, then is it possible for one to present as somatic but in time prove to be actually a victim? Eg, somatic as part of the idealised image self to cover victim underneath. Cause I am almost certain that is the case with my most recent ex.
Ps. Revenge is a great read even if i just live vicariously through it 🙂
Hello Catlady, I am pleased you enjoyed Revenge and I hope you posted a review.
A narcissist will always have some victim traits, it is inherent in what we are, but of course some of our kind have more than others. A Victim Narcissist (one with lots of victim traits will present as such). A Somatic will present as such (but the victim traits may show later but not enough to be a Victim Narcissist).
HG,
Also, I am anxiously awaiting your new release or releases!
Will you let us all know?
Thanks again:)
I will.
HG,
Thanks again for enlightening us with such an incredible weapon-knowledge on the narc. and what to be careful of. To all my fellow victims who come to this site for solace and insight from the Master, Sitting Target is a must read! It was written especially for us and it shows our strengths and weaknesses with a Narcissist and most importantly what to look out for-the signs (Black flags 50 signs of abuse and Red Flag-50 signs of seduction) These also help in recognizing the narc.
HG, in your book, Ghosted and Gilded, (ch. Tell me it’s true) you mention how you research your victim prior to engagement. Is this true of all your victims or have you ever met an IPPS without the research just unexpectedly? If no, could you explain why not?
Thank you Sir! 🙂 🙂
Wait and see in Asylum of the Grotesque.
How often are targets/victims also narcissists? Meaning how often do narcissists hook up with and find fuel from other narcissists?
One cannot state with the benefit of empirical evidence as it does not exist. Anecdotally it happens but the pairing of two narcissists is far less frequent than with an empath.
Hi HG. I would appreciate your insights and the inner machinations in the following situation.
I know one Grandmother Narc (a divorced greater) who has a large extended family. Her family contact has now dwindled down to only 4 of her grandchildren and their respective family’s. I figure she needs some family around for her façade so she buys the grand children’s support with generous gifts and also plays the ‘woe is poor lonely me card’.
The golden grandchild appears to be the main target. The GGC is also a malignant narc who is a greater and I believe a far more skilled and covertly dangerous narc than the grandmother narc. The remaining 3 grandchildren are clueless of how they are masterfully manipulated and triangulated by the two narcs.
1. The Grandmother Narc frequently states that the golden grand child ‘Understands me’. Is that a recognition that the golden grandchild is also a narc? If this statement is a manipulative tactic what is the logic behind saying this?
2.Does the Grandmother Narc perceive any inadvertent oversights by the golden grandchild as a criticism or does the narc turn a blind eye to this since it is the golden grandchild after all?
3. HG, surely there will come a time when the golden grandchild will out skill and strip mine the grandmaster grandmother narc of all her assets and withdraw her support? Or will the status quo remain because both Narcs have a symbiotic relationship? I would love to read your thoughts on how this relationship is likely to play out.
Thanks,
Laura
Hello Laura, this situation is better suited to a consultation.
Thank you 😊 HG !
You are welcome.
This sounds like a recipe for impending doom imho, worlds colliding type of deal.
@catlady2468 my point exactly…I’m theorizing when two narcissists get together ?? I’m wondering if there’s just a heck of lot more fuel …both are hypercritical, over sensitive, giving and taking, pushing and pulling punishing and rewarding each other both twisted playing off over the top knee jerk reactions … the perfect storm. ??
I don’t believe this is the norm either
It depends on the type of narcissists Shantily, but what you refer to is relevant but not to every narcissist v narcissist dynamic.
I’m having an arduous time figuring out what type of narc my guy is. I can’t stop reading these blogs, I’m addicted, they’re amazing and all so true.
Is there a specific question (s) I should ask myself to figure out of he is a lesser, mid or greater?
Can anyone help me please?
Hi Alexis,
Just keep studying and comparing behaviors of the different types, you will know, just listen to your gut. HG gives excellent examples. In my experiences, seems narcs are creatures of habit and typically OCD as well. Watch and notice patterns of moods, etc.; they are fairly predictable(I say that cautiously, lol) My ex was definitely a high functioning mid-ranger. She was high up on the spectrum, however, did not present with the malicious, cold callous as HG describes the elite. She also typically withdrew and was depressed during her silent treatments. She could sit for days watching dramas on TV and listen to heart break songs on the radio, bathing in self-pity. The singer “Pink” was one of top favorites…well known for her borderline/narc lyrics. Believe it or not…narcs quite often “tip their hand”, you just have to pay attention to what they say. And it gets easier to hear, the more you learn why they say what they do. In mho, HG is one of, if not the best educators out there atm. Hang in there, the answers will come.
Thanks so much for replying, so kind of you. This guy is predictable in the sense that he lies ALL the time, I catch him all the time and the flirting, etc. But he seems to take on different personalities. Like he has these files, hundreds of them and can tap into them whenever he wants, from whatever year. It’s quite remarkable actually. So he used to rage (no violence ever) and react quickly but then I taught him differently so he holds himself back now. It’s just tough to tell. I just hung up the phone w him and used the words discard and seduction and all that jazz. I was yelling :(. And it’s like he didn’t hear a word. He went about disregarding all and still asked me to move in with him. What a psycho.
HG any thoughts?
true
Alexis the best way I have figured out the answers to my question ( which was the same as yours) was to have a consult with HG. I have had both and they have helped me tremendously! He is very professional and knowledgeable and will answer all of your questions.
Thank you foolme1time. Tudor seems to answer some people’s blogs but not mine. I’ve written a few that he hasn’t approved, they were aimed for the ladies on this blog, really positive. No idea why.
CItsonsultation is an option that i have, its not in my budget currently, will continue reading and learning. I think the most important thing is not to go back into it and work on myself. Focus on me and not him.
How long were you in the relationship for?
Are you completely done now?
I’m new to this blog so pls no need to answer if my questions are inappropriate :).
Patience is a virtue.
That’s what ‘they’ say.
And for the sake of good order, you have posted 11 times and 2 posts remain in moderation because they contain questions. Long posts and/or those with questions tend to remain longer in moderation.
Thanks for the explanation Tudor. Noted!
You are welcome.
Hi again alexis,
“Need to focus more on me than him”
Absolutely…however, I will tell you that’s much easier said than done. As you find more n more info, you’re probably feeling obsessed to use it against the narc. Dont! BTDT. It will most definitely backfire. Be patient with yourself and keep educating. This always helps me: “How do you eat an elephant?” (One bite at a time) I have found my best offense, is no defense! And unfortunately it takes time to learn how to “respond” to their shinnanigins in lieu of “reacting” emotionally. This is virtually impossible to master, especially if your still to close in his sphere of influence. If you havn’t detached emotionally yet, then you must! Otherwise forget it…they will just continue to find ways(old & new)to control you and get their supply(fuel). Give up feelings of empathy for them! As hard as that is, I know. Listen to HG and take heed, give up and acknowledge they are too good at what they do and will win any challenge! Otherwise, you will continue to suffer, only now, you will more accountable should you chose to continue allowing it to happen. Be proactive not reactive. Detach, you will glad you did.
I’m in an interesting predicament. I left my job last month, my choice, probably the riskiest move I ever made (not having another job to go to), as I am very responsible.
Then the universe brings him back into my life as I had not had contact (my choice) for nearly 5 months yet he texted me for 2 full months without me responding once. Yay me! And now offering me to move in with him, he would get a 2 bedroom, no rent paid on my end. But in the interim he lies so much and I thought I could be unattached and use him but I’m so disgusted by these lame lies. i know he’s a gift though. What a great opportunity to work on myself :).
Alexis no one can tell you what to do or not do, however moving in with him would only be a mistake! You can not win with a narc! The charm that they have and the way that know us will only lead to you being hurt again!! 😘
Thank you for the advice, I hear it! The great news is although the universe is lovingly testing me, do I have self-worth, etc, I also recently found this site, perfect timing really. I am advertising this site heavily to everyone I know.
And thanks again for your time foolme1time =))). One Love!!!!!!!!
“The only way to win(more like survive) is to not play”
Lansealan: hello. Pick your battles, one of life’s lessons. Yet, when does one choose to speak up?! When does one choose to pay back this disgusting behavior these narcs lay on women everyday and obliterate their souls?! It’s not ok! I do not approve. Sometimes one has to be taught a lesson, no?
First off I’m a man(least last time I checked) and my ex is BPD and NPD. Poor girl(snicker). I know you mentioned you not one for religion, however, she was highly affected when I would talk about and pray for her “tormented soul” kinda hit her like a bullet and she would instantly get quiet and withdraw for awhile. Not her typical rage or hit back reaction. Never totally figured it out or came to a conclusion why? A possibility might be that, boy did she preach her highest standards of dignity and integrity! Put herself on a dang purity pedestal! She knew darn well that was joke…cuz I busted her on it all the time. But she still held to the belief. So I’m guessing maybe I found her weak spot? Who knows? After years of the SOS…I gave up caring anymore…I couldn’t anyways cuz she sucked me dry, nothing left…no more fuel. Hey btw that reminds me of something…go to YouTube and look for “no longer usefull” by Jokerr. Not a rap fan but it’s a great song about narcs.
In addition, you need to read more HG articles and books about trying to get back at them. Probably not in your best interest…I know exactly how you feel, like their getting away unpunished with whatever bad behavior they want to. Spoiler alert…well they do and always will, just because they can. Right HG?
Please heed the warnings and advice and get the heck out while you still have a few scruples left. I ignored the same advice for years because I was emotionally weak(compounded by their brainwashing techniques). Use your brains, run and hide now. Ignore what the other parts of your body are telling you. You want to hold them accountable? That’s how. Trust me.
I am wrestling with revenge–I know exactly how to destroy his facade . . . but does that make me any better than him? I told him not to f*** with me or what I would do to his livelihood. He blocked me. BUT I do feel for his latest superstar. I wish I could stop him becuz he’s young and a wanderer in a sense in more ways than one. Watch out women in Tennessee. . . . he’s moving to your state. He’s violent.
Through consultation. This is the most efficient way. Understanding who you dealing with and why they do what they do is the first and most important step in healing process. Best wishes!
Thank you for your effort abrokenwing. I hope your wing is healing. Love!!!
I found his YouTube videos most helpful in determining this. Something about the vocal inflections really helps clarify things i think, had to pick my jaw up off the floor! Also focusing in on one subtype for 5-10min back to back with the next really helped me see slight differences as emphasized by HG’s narration.
*Three schools, not two schools. Another great article though, thanks.
Sorry HG, I know it’s off topic, however, when I saw this I couldn’t help but think of you! Maybe it will generate a laugh outta you or at least a chuckle. Possibly consider re-posting with your personal commentary? It would be very entertaining and “interesting” LOL.
TOP TEN QUOTES from “the most interesting man in the world”:
(aside from beer)
#10. If he were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.
#9. He once ran a marathon, because it was on his way.
#8. Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect.
#7. If he were to mispronounce your name, you would be compelled to change it.
#6. If opportunity knocks, and he’s not home, opportunity waits.
#5. His two-cents is worth $37 in change.
#4. Once, a rattlesnake but him, after five days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.
#3. When he has a 50/50 chance, the odds are 80/20 in his favor.
#2. He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.
#1. His words carry weight that would break a less interesting man’s jaw.
Bonus: His mother has a tattoo that reads “SON”
😂😂😂😂 KING NARCISSIT !!!!
HG, I love your blogs! My obsession with your work is like that of a Harry Potter fan. I have to read each one the day you post them. I love your theories and the creative way you present your thoughts. I thought I should stay away from your books, because I was thinking I may not be able to put one down. I am caving in. Sitting Target it is. I would like to read more on the different types of Empaths. Love it.
Ditto amynm! Think I’ve read like 8 of HG’s books now and addicted to his blog.
I just wish that someday HG will enlighten us and give up some secret tips as to how we can pry open their
brains ? I’m dying to get a confession from my ex as to how much she cheated. Lots n lots of clues and indicators, I just could never catch her red-handed or get her to admit. Playing on her conscious was obviously futile…it did not exist.
Keep an eye out for future releases.
Hmmm this blog and the subject ?? … comparing all that you’ve read to being a fan of Harry Potter ??? I’m sorry but wow …
I read “Sitting Target.” It’s a must read!