LoveSex Addiction
In many instances there is often the lament following discard (and even escape) that although your experience with our kind was horrendous beyond measure the sex was out of the world. You miss the sex to an incredible degree. The sex was mind-blowing, intense, hugely satisfying and unlike anything else you have known. Now I know this is not always the case, there are some of our kind who are not interested in sex and some who are useless at it and in those instances you have more than likely been ensnared by a Victim Narcissist. That is not the topic of discussion today. Today we focus on those of our kind who are the sexual Olympian who thrilled and delighted you between the sheets (and plenty of other places too). One of the reasons our kind uses sex as a weapon is because of the addictive quality that we create around the sexual experience you have with us. Why is sex with us so addictive? There are actually several reasons, but the one I wish to focus on today is the concept of LoveSex. This is the link between Love and Sex.
We do not dissuade you from making such a link. In fact we positively encourage you to do this. The way that we seduce you and the way that we love bomb you is designed to inject love into sex so that they effectively become indistinguishable from one another. We are fully aware that irrespective of how self-sufficient you may like to think that you are, how independently you might lead your life, you still have that desire for the white knight. Again, this relates to the way that you have been conditioned by society to regard love and romance. We know about this and exploit this. An honest examination of your thoughts and feelings will result in your admitting that at least on one occasion you have wanted that dashing knight to come riding in on his charger, sweep you in his arms and then take you through to the bedroom where he makes tender and delicious love to you. You have been conditioned to expect to be treated like a princess and we do this when we place you on that pedestal during our love bombing of you. Sex is no different. You want to be taken care of in the bedroom, loved and made to feel special. By providing all of this when we have sex with you then we are blurring the lines between sex and love, binding the two together. Since we are so magnificent in our delivery of delicious and rewarding sex then this entwined sex and love causes you to feel a very special kind of love, better than anything else you have experienced before. We apply all of the loving techniques when we have sex with you. The tender, romantic, slow and caring way we caress and hold you before easing into you all accords with this almost dream-like perception of how sex should be. We do however go further than this traditional model of the handsome prince making sweet, delicate love to his beautiful princess. When we suddenly take you from behind, hitch up your skirt and bend you over a worktop or the back of the settee and have vigorous sex with you we will look to ensure that this type of sex is entwined with love. How do we do this? With words of course. Words come easily to us and are cheap to use. So as we are hammering away and you are admittedly enjoying this spontaneous and energetic sex we will be telling you things such as:-
“I just had to have you. You were stood there and I was overwhelmed with love for you.”
“I love you so much I needed to have you there and then.”
“You do something to me that makes me almost lose control. That is how much I love you.”
“I am so in love with you I just needed to be inside you.”
“You make me crazy in love, I cannot help myself.”
We reinforce this urgent sex with being linked to just how powerful and amazing our love is. The sex itself feels fantastic and when you hear those magical words being said to you from behind the two are melded together. The sex could not be regarded as romantic but that does not matter. Such rampant desire for you to be taken in this manner can only be a symptom of our love for you. This reinforcement will happen over and over again. From the obvious slow, tender love-making through to the quick knee-trembler on a table through to you fellating us in a parked car, we will cause you to associate all of these sexual acts as being manifestations of our truly remarkable love. Eventually, the word sex becomes eroded and every time we do something which is sexual in nature it is seen as love. Everything we do together in the sexual arena is born of love, is because of love and is a manifestation of love.
You are unable to resist this blurring of the boundaries between love and sex. You are not able to prevent sex actually subsuming the notion of love and cloaking itself in the name of love. This lack of resistance happens for two reasons. Firstly, the nature of our sexual couplings with you is so intense and enjoyable you want them and you want them repeatedly. Secondly, aside from the use of sex as a weapon, during the seduction stage you are being love bombed on lots of different fronts. We are saying beautiful things to you, writing you poems and love letters, buying you gifts, taking you to special places, looking after you when you feel ill, introducing you to our friends and so on. This onslaught of loving behaviour magnifies what we are doing on the sexual side. You are surrounded by loving behaviour so that it permeates into everything that we do with you, including sex. Accordingly, over time sex and love become bound up together. The great sex we provide to you translates as the marvellous love that we have for you. Sex is love, love is sex and it feels amazing causing you to become addicted to the sensation. We create lovesex and it is a powerful way of creating an addiction in you.
89 thoughts on “LoveSex Addiction”
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Funny, I used to complain that he treated it like an obligation after about a yr then it wasn’t even that, just another means to an end of toying with me to play along in his day to day activities (I can’t even say grand scheme of things because literally nothing about him is grand except self pity bleh and excuses I suppose too) where I got to do everything and him nothing yet was somehow the one who always felt like sh*t!
I’m so much in my head from my past experiences before him, I have to really try to get into the present moment to enjoy myself, it just was always such a disappointment. I apparently intellectualise more than I should so I’ve been told… Then he caught on to that and that became a way to show me how little worth I had to him. My old best girlfriend is a somatic, they are night and day, and can’t stand each other lol it was amusing to see anyway.
For those who are like me and get lost in our heads I’m guessing cerebrals are naturally drawn to us and us to them…? You’d think you’d get tired of it fast though, that’s why I kinda wanted him to be what he claimed (definitely played into somatic illusion) at least done of the time anyway, and even explained this to him (“get me out of my head into bed…?” It was actually cute but alas… No dice, just boring routine or worse, build up hope to deliver… Nothing.)
please don’t share your personal phone number with someone who is a confessed stalker and who will be using a protected number 🙁 get a protected number first, if you need to talk.
my ‘narc’ sends me intermittent msgs since he left, i think he has feelings he’s not able to process. the msgs are really strange. i’m lucky he’s not stalking and threatening me. i’m recovering from addiction and trauma-bonding, it’s taken months and i’m still fragile.
My first two narcs were terrible – the one I married is fantastic at it. Even he says he’s cultivated his good-good.
And yes, apparently I have an unhealthy pattern of attaching myself to toxic people I didn’t recognize until recently.
“No, it is all about the fuel.” This is the sad TRUTH, yet an unimaginable trait that is so hard for “Our kind” to understand since we deeply perceive “Love & Sex” as the most vulnerable, intimate and most beautiful human relational experience with someone we deeply love.
May I suggest that “Our kind” may simply have to TRY and cognitively digest this ill-concept by studying the life and thoughts (dysfunctional or otherwise) of the emotional damage that was wrought upon “Their kind” before us.
In many cases, there is childhood emotional trauma on BOTH sides of this relational scenario, especially if the dating/relational cycle of dysfunction is repeated over and over again.
Hi HG,
So, it is never just plain lust for a beautiful woman-or just a one night stand without the class traits being a part of it too (at that moment)? Wouldn’t you get fuel from anyone you deemed attractive after one night with you?
Thanks,
No, it is all about the fuel.
HG, in the interest of clarity, do you enjoy sex with your appliances? Or do you just use sex as a tool/weapon?
I derive physical pleasure from the interaction yes but sex is a weapon. If you read Sex and the Narcissist it is explained in greater detail there.
Good to know. I will add that onto my book list.
HG,
Are you ever just physically attracted to someone-just see someone in a pub/restaurant and think I would like to sleep with her tonight/or sometime? Or is it always used as a weapon?
Thanks,
Their physical attractiveness would accord with class traits which would arouse my interest for the purposes of gaining fuel.
HG
What does it mean when the narc remains sexually thirsty throughout the entirety of the relationship? For say 8+ years… And at least once a day during . How do u distinguish between the “golden period” and the he’ll when that part remains solid and steady?
Hello Brandi,
Sex is but one method (albeit an important one) of gaining fuel and binding an appliance.
During the golden period, you will be given the sex which works best for you in order to cause you to provide positive fuel and to bind you to us. Dependent on the type of narcissist, it will be frequent and of a high standard.
During devaluation, sex may be withdrawn entirely , deteriorate in quality and/or frequency, be demanded more often regardless of the desires of the appliance, shift to sexual behaviours which the appliance dislikes or continue with the provision of ‘good’ sex alongside different non-sexual manipulations to mind fuck the victim (“He is horrible to me all day and then takes me to bed and it is wow”.
Thus during devaluation you may have someone who stops fucking you. You may have someone who starts engaging in anal sex even though you do not like it or makes you gag until bile comes up which again you dislike. You may receive excellent sex but only on a Saturday morning and he never uses his mouth on your anymore. There are various ways of devaluing you sexually.
I often wonder when I read or hear how addicting or wonderful the sex is, if its more the feeling of being desirable to another and the closeness-not the actual act. I have never felt that. At the moment of satisfaction you could literally be anyone or any object for me-same result.
NarcAngel you hit the nail on the head for me. It was definitely only about the affection for me. I liked things like when he held my hand, looking in his eyes (until they were dead and black) and him running his fingers through my hair. The actual act of sex was just a means to an end to get the feeling of closeness as you said. I feel pathetic for needing that so badly but I did.
12345,
I can relate to this as well. I still flashback to when he held my face with his hands and and ran his fingers along my cheeks as well. He also did the hair thing too. And a little “tap” on my nose with a smile like one would do to a small child. I had no problem with that despite it being weird but the other stuff the touching he did is was way more powerful.
I’m starting to wonder if there some kind of a checklist they follow, doing these emotional things. Knowing how much it gets to us and how we can’t forget it.
I’m pretty sure there’s a fare number of us who could relate, I think it’s one of the tells they use to know we’d make great primary or secondary sources – our need for affection, validation, confirmation that we’re safe, cared for, valued, ‘good’, and appreciated. It’s like they enhance this in is during seduction only to see it as our weakness later and then become disgusted by these same traits yet use them as weapons too. Am I correct HG? Hard to know whether I’m following all the contradictions correctly…
You are correct Catlady.
I get that but…. only with 1 person have i experienced that chemistry of sex where it is their very essence that turns me on.
Their eneegy, their skin , their breathe, what they are working with and how they use it and how they touch me and make me feel in that moment. Everything with this 1 person that is unique and mind blowing with him…. and you could not just insert anyone else…..
Unfortunately….. that’s it w him. Ive always wanted more of who he was… in his mind and person but it’s just the sex pretty much. And the sex was so fantastic that it was ok for it to just be about the sex. Bc it was soo unique.
But.. i can totally see and comprehend what you are saying. Unfortunate though.
@sarabella…Agreed.
Knowing no matter how close he is, that I will never want the reality of that relationship again.
I love how you put that it seems like they (the narcissist) are the problem when they really arent. I find when I change my perception, writing, like your artwork, finds some warmth & validation.
I’m sad. But I know this will change too. Thank you for your sharing.
@KDB…Thank you for your sharing too (warm smile)
Do you do background checks on us?
Only if you ask for credit!
Sex with my narc was atrocious.
Me too Lisa. I find myself jealous of all the empaths who had such incredible sex in the golden period. My greater narc was just awful. Yet, there I was.
That is so true. There you are, all emotionally twisted up for someone so awful at sex. I only liked kissing him. It was a bizarre reality to know I would never sleep with him again (geography), but to still want him so much and to truthfully when I was honest be greatful to never be in the position again. I think that is the real connection to ourselves, the wanting which seems about them but looks like never is.
HG, my narc was obsessed w phone sex or “sexting” more so. Why is this? He would carry on for hours and I just obliged but was half asleep the whole the time. Smh.
Because it is easy, it will have provided him with fuel and he may well have been cerebral in nature.
“Because it is easy”
This was the exact wording my ex gave to explain his porn ‘addiction’ (I don’t think it’s actually an addition because he used it as a weapon not because of an actual desire to stop but unable too although it’s one of those plausible excuses we’ve become so used to hearing).
I’ve come to realise it wasn’t ever the sex per se, but more the promised sex that never materialised. He talked a great talk during seduction, all sorts of lovely ideas put into my head, but performance never matched and many specifics never came to actually pass. If it wasn’t for those fantasies and oral I’m sure he’d been dropped much sooner than he was… Is it possible for cerebral to seem like somatically early on but unlike somatics, kinda flop at the actual act part?
The Cerebral will talk a good sex game and will also engage in some sexual activity as part of the seduction but only out of a sense of obligation and not anywhere near the scale of the somatic or elite.
N2 was at least truthful about being a sex addict. He called it having a very high libido but let’s just call it what it is. Sex is for procreation. Prudey? Nope. There are other ways to have fun. Too bad he was bad at that too…meh at best.
N1 once told me he wasn’t ready for sex after having fun. He was caught off guard when I told him I wasn’t either.
Cold!
Which one? You detest me more?
No. The final comment.
So I provoked detestation. I do that.
Tell me. What would be not cold_ it goes both way
sin. What wiuld you hane have said?
I still do not understand.. Enlighten me, please. Thank you. I do not claim to be smart. Never accuse me of being that.
When you threw his comment back at him.
Got it. Still wouldn’t have happened. No kiddos for me. Too many times have I heard the story of the condom breaking.
Which one?
Sex is procreation. Period. The end.
Jaded…. I dare not open up this can of worms with you as i can see you are pretty adamant in your position…. but none the less…. here’s my take. Short and sweet…I’m sure you have heard it before but..
Sex is not “just” for procreation. It is designed by a God who loves us and it is for “our pleasure” not just procreation. He’s a pretty good God. 😉
Hi findinglife11 I respect your position even if I may not agree. As someone who is agnostic, I can’t say for sure about god. Sex is for procreation. Animals do it to make more animals. They move on without smoking a ciggy or cuddling. We as humans have the power of reasoning which somehow equates sex with love. It isn’t. Plenty of people use it for evil (cs offenders are one example). That isn’t love. Just my opinion.
True people misuse it…and that’s unfortunate…
but we are not animals. We are higher.
Seek Him. You would find him.
Wasn’t there when I needed as a child. Those things stay. If I die before I wake and he is there, I will accept accountability. I will also ask him where he was.
@sarabella…
How funny that inside I keep wishing HG would say that to me lol!! Not that I would take him up on it…The ocean between us and all …Stupid grin on my face…
Aside this thought I must admit that the element of sexual addiction only afflicts me when I’m in pain and searching outside myself to “fix” it.
Does introspection help anyone else?
Mostly, especially with my most recent narc-ex, it’s not the sex I miss most, it’s the beginning when I felt so visible & noticed. I’m craving that warm sense of being noticed.
Thanks to these articles I am more aware now than ever before about how deep seeded these needs inside me are. The interesting part is finding ways of expressing my needs & having them met without involving a narcissist.
It’s about the power to HG that’s attractive.
AR,
Hope you don’t mind if I interject here (kind of jumping around comments as I have too much free time today) but yes, introspection always helps in my opinion. It’s only natural to seek validation outside of ourselves if we have a hard time introspecting. It takes some people decades to feel comfortable enough to reach that point of self love. Some people are drawn to others inherently; social butterflies or those who like to help others. But being able to sit back and just think, feel and process is important. Doesn’t mean your needs are any less valid until you move beyond it. Of course people want to feel wanted. Especially with the addiction of that oh so lovely period. It’s hard to resist things said to you like that. But at least you see this need. Perhaps that is more related to the love side of the addiction. The sex can become soulless as well in the end depending on how long it lasted.
Just remember how that feeling disappears and that point of no return happens. I’d ask myself often if I can handle it. In the past, definitely not. Not without knowing. That’s the question isn’t it? When the parallel happens and the shitstorm started with my ex-narc, it was the opposing side. Silent treatments, triangulations, games of the mind (Which I sadly pitted against him by stooping.) and the worse: intimacy withheld, jealous rages and love turned hate. Sadly he knew what fed into me which kept it going. Aggressive intimacy and power plays became the norm sadly. That isn’t love.
Sometimes even I have to remember that and see if I still feel that addiction to being noticed. Did you get much love growing up? I believe that also feeds into that need. Even if it’s temporary. Like they say in AA, “One day at a time.” Or so a friend told me. Having someone to talk to about it helps!
I will reply on your response to me, in the other post but this is also why I needed to get the Dragon back in her cave. This aggression was not me. When he and I started getting emotionally ‘intimate’, none of that was there. I wasn’t jealous or aggressive. I was myself. I sent him a love song, I was caring, concerned, normal. Excited to be his friend after 30 years (not knowing then I was only on the Till Death Do Us Part Narc Life Plan and he hadn’t changed one bit from what he did to me the first time). That he moved me so much from that space of love, I lay fully at his feet. This was all his fault. I mean I had my role and all, but it is all his fault that we are no longer friends nor could we ever be after what he did. HE and HE alone engineered this. He took something normal and twisted the fuck out of it. This pain didn’t start until he started his games and so I blame him now.
I also found that sometimes, digging too hard into myself to explain this was me abusing myself on his behalf. Why am I looking so hard when he is living conscience free, fully at ease in his sick head that he did nothing wrong? Until I noticed that he was saying this over and over and that if he repeated it enough to himself and to me, he could then believe it and convince me. So I did the same. Repeated it over and over that he was at fault far more than me. I repeated it to him and to myself. He raged of course. And I see I need a similar response as his but not so extreme but that also refuses to accept stuff and MY reality counts. but in my case, its refusing to accept people anymore who are so messed up. Lay down the line, control their access to me and move on without a second thought and no self doubt or self recriminations or believing that this is always a mirror of my past or indicates issues I might have. No, they are just effed up people and I am fine. Its an attitude I need aloy more of. After being wrong my whole life, for once I am going to be the fine one and the others so screwed up.
His whole game can only continue if he can convince enough people of the rules, no matter how screwed up. I refused his rules eventually. And in the process I also learned something. He has no idea how to love. He really doesn’t. Charming, flattering, sweet talking is not love. And the proof is that one that trick wears off in him, all he has next is his abuse. Why I got so much of it so quickly still bothers me, but if he knew what love was, he would never have become abusive. Not even to me. A loving person can’t become that abusive and feel ok with himself. Its not possible. I became abusive back but it was reactive, self defense. When I really clued in to his inability to love, is when I started to shift a bit. And I became more determined to lay this at his feet and not be the good scapegoat my mother taught me to be. I spent alot of my life introspecting so my mother didn’t have to look at herself, and she could continue on and feel ok with her life. I am done with the narc flipped and projected blame. This was all his fault. His twisted circus, twisted soul, his pain. And no, love is not pain. Not the pain that existed on this level. And I even rejected his claim I was doing this to myself. Nope. He did it. He had me confused for a while with that one. Like if its my fault, I could find a way to stop it. But if you are told its your fault by someone who wasn’t leaving and won’t communicate, then how could I be doing this to myself? I wasn’t. HE was. Again. All his fault. It was his ugly game all along. I only was guilty of not getting it was a game never designed to actually play. Real games have agreed upon rules and he made them up as he wanted.
My sister laid down the law that she won’t talk about some things too. So I laid down mine finally. I won’t bot talk about the things that happened, either. Why is the burden on me to accept the rules against what I feel is right? Its not, I also can lay down rules and if she says no to mine, then SHE can also own the total demise of our relationship. Instead of being sick of them and their rules and giving up who I am to stay around them, I am learning to have and stand by my own rules. And if they don’t want to make an effort either, then its no longer all my fault as they always manipulated me to believe a d my conscience and heart can be a little freer and light. This is sort of what I mean by flipping it on them. Thank you all, but no thank you. I will not accept your scewed reality. Sky is blue, grass is green.
Another way I am filling up that space in me. Filling it with a Truth I will live by and will no longer continually doubt and allow to be bullied or controled away so they can feel ok and powerful.
ramble…..
I can relate to missing that warm feeling. I despise the Narc the most now for this as I see what a fraud he is and he continues to con more people. I addressed this by embracing my art again, pulling from inside of myself, filling myself up that way and now training myself to be the one in control of this and thus of my life.
A.R.
I don’t know if HG was serious. But it reminded me…. one of the first conversations I had with my narc was around sexuality. Red flag for myself went flying. Even as a discussion it can be very bonding unintentionally so I passed. If I am not learning…..
loving your strength! Although I’m sure “they” just despise it ….and call you cold !! Lol
Shantily,
Oh, I identified a “giddy”feeling… HG asked for my number!? lol I know he meant nothing by it but to explain but I recognized the feeling of need in me. It was a valuable short lesson. He is helping me as is, but one day I am going to talk to him, just not about this. My story has alot of holes in it still and those holes still cause me pain around the narc and I think he might help. Just not ready for the conversation yet.
HG,
To be addict to sex does nof mean to be good at it,
I think many narc. are addict to sex but it does not mean they are a god.
I am from Brazil, and we normally are super open about sex.
He would not and he cold not be able to handle me at all . Too much fire… 😂😂poor him.
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?🔥
This post just says everything for me right now. Don’t know what to say about it’s timing. It finally happened after over many decades of not hearing from my ex-narc just two days ago. It was a hoover detailing the past conversations and memories of the intensity of our relationship. Funny how he seems to forget the pain caused and attempts to cover it up with words of how much he’s changed, how his marriage is failing, and how his kids don’t love him. He even had the nerve to say that he knew I’d come back to him. Just, no.
But I see it all clearly now. He really knew how to say everything that pricked exactly where it stung the most. Including recalling the memories of the intense sex/love and the attention to the wording was perfect. So sly and so aligned to know what would get to me in a second hoover attempt through email yesterday; which my old friend gave him because we exchanged contacts. I’m trying not to be angry at said friend.
How blind I was.
It happened after this friend happened to be in the city I was visiting months ago and I was getting my guitar fixed. What were the chances? Looks like word of my presence got back to him. I didn’t expect anything out of it as the ex-narc and him weren’t friends anymore either. But somehow word got back. How deep can it go? It truly doesn’t ever end does it? It’s been so long. Thank goodness I live far enough away and continue to implement No Contact, which was the only way to escape it in the past. It’s probably going to get me through this tough time now. It’s way too tempting when those memories come back it kind of overrides the messed up nature of when the threats, anger, triangulation, and withholding started to take effect. Even now I get those memories of mind blowing sex and conversation of the great times.
Thanks for all your info HG and the supportive people in the threads here. This post is dead on truth and was needed. I appear to be attracting these things to my life. I might just move to the hills forever.
My little Narc was just a joy when it came to sex , he didn’t care where it came from man, woman, threesomes, foursomes, or what age they were just as long as he got it. He adamantly swore up and down he was not gay but experimented with men and had gay fantasies all the time. He would say to me …oh babe you’ve been hinting at wanting …(just imagine something jaw dropping and kinky) like it was MY idea…and I’d frown, it was NOT my idea!!! He’d been the one hinting at it … inevitably I would do whatever kinky thing he was suggesting. I feel now that my sexuality has been shockingly changed forever. I never would have done it on my own. I’m not saying it wasn’t in me all along or that I didn’t enjoy it because damn I did. But without my N it just wasn’t on my radar. I don’t know if you can ever go back to normal after what I’ve been through. Another thing he’d say is …look me in the eyes don’t you want a deep connection with me??? during sex…yep lovesexaddiction …Mr. HG you’re bang on 😉
It is also so they don’t have to descend so low on their own in many cases. They crossed some lines and if they can get a good person to sink down to their gutter level, then they can convince themselves that goodness, morality, and ethics doesn’t exist so they can keep going. As you said, your sexuality may never be normal again. They know theirs won’t be, so they need people who also crossed over to the dark side. Its no fun being a heroine junkie on your own. Way better to be one among like kind, and how powerful to turn someone into someone just like yourself? The more lines that are crossed, the deader they also got to enjoying normal. Senses deaden. Pleasure deadens. Just what I observed in some people. And also what I read on sites where men ask how to turn women into hookers. Pretty sickening that the techniques are so known. Odd that the same techniques are used to addict a woman to love and to do things freely, and others are tricked into doing this for money for a pimp. And I got curious about this topic, how a woman gets tricked out exactly because of the narc. How sad.
He got me to do one thing against my nature but I sensed how he was laying groundwork, conditioning etc. Sad thing is its never about them promoting growth or talent or creativity or knowledge or anything positive. All this energy spent into f**king someone up.
Sarabella thank you for replying! and what are we for going along with their twisted sexual fantasies? ? We’re whores, sluts, and dirty pigs…not good enough for anybody or anything because just look at what you did you whore!!! Exactly!!! they set us up come on dear one, see this line in the sand ??? the one you know we shouldn’t cross ??? Let’s cross it together…. but once you step over that line oh yes dear one you will be made to pay … and yet we willingly cross the line we said we’d never cross again and again ..like a junkie after a fix ..it’s just plain tragic and twisted. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy yet it’s strangely comforting to know there are others like you Saraabell who have been through it too. Enjoy your day ! And thank you again S
Shantily, luckily, all things considered, what he set me up for was minor all things considered. But I felt more than understood what he was doing and the extremely high emotional pain level also was my warning. Only later did a third party clue me in to what he was about. It was in part why I went Super Nova on him. I had had a taste of his Madonna/Whore mentality on a small now laughable scale around something else so I knew it would only get worse, all of it. So all his boasting and bragging about being so good and fun in bed was a lie and he is really fucked up in his head about sex. Fully addicted to kink and degradation and acting like a saint. Very disturbed person.
I am sorry you were led down that path worse than me. I can’t imagine the emotions had he managed to convince me of more. *shudder*
I get that. I relate to much of what you said. My story too.
I remember one night after a very enjoyable evening together i decided I don’t just want to have a sex with him tonight.. I want to make love to him! No usual hair pulling and pushing against the wall. And so I was taking my time … putting so much feelings into rubbing, touching,caressing, kissing,sucking, biting… Convinced I’m doing so well I have opened my eyes at some point to realize that he is looking at me with a uncomfortable feeling on his face .. Consternation . That’s a good word to describe it. And then he said :’ What are you doing…? Are you drunk..?’. The flames of love-making were quick to die.
I literally just asked about this on a different post lol
Don’t make me wait too long for the victim’s big talk but just can’t back it up post though! Please ‘n’ thanks…?
🙂
During the golden period, I thought sex with my narc was the most wonderful thing ever. But now, as I remember it more dispassionately (so to speak), it wasn’t really great as sex per se. I’ve had much, much better — including the guy I stopped seeing when narc got his hooks into me… sigh. It was the LOVEsex aspect HG describes that made it seem so wonderful and made it so addictive.
If I consider the few narcs I have known, none were good in bed. All attitude and arrogance and s3duction and charm but in bed? Boring, empty, no back bone, a fraud. Makes me wonder if this is really that true or if some people find it easier to consider such men narcs rather than address their own sexual addictions? Mine all were bad. Nothing worse than sleeping with someone who you know is not present in their own soul and body. I don’t get this one. My narc had a totally seductive game down but it was all a lie only to seduce as his body felt awful. The only hooks he had were about hos personality… the push pulls, the fake build ups and anticipation, the withholding…. they all heightened the anticipation for….. a dud. Then an abusive chaser and psychotic rage, and you are trauma bonded instantly.
Send me your number and I will help out with this one.
Oh, no. One day I am going to talk to you. But not on this topic. Thank you for the offer.
Sarabella, i would take the offer!
Ha
8679000no
I thought it was 867-5309 🙂
jaded!
hahaha!
I’d be too tempted to pass off my ex’s number in this case
You know, if the offer is still there, I might take you up on that call.
I want to know one thing about what remains. Narc is far away from me so there is no risk of ever seeing him again. But there is something still there in me that if I allow it, I could let myself get taken away on a fantasy of a sexual encounter with him. Its like sometimes, I just want him like mad and my imagination and the energy that comes up is powerful. After all this time. After all the pain he put me through. All his verbal abuse.
I don’t hurt anymore at all now, just once in a while, but I still feel this intense longing and intense sexual feeling that sometimes pops up out of nowhere. I always wonder, if its this strong, does it mean he still has attraction to me, despite what he says that I am no one and the energy is out there still in the universe? Or, is this just me because as you say, when we aren’t around, you all aren’t even thinking about us.
But more than that, is why would there be so much sexual energy for someone I would never want to be near again, who clearly despised me and last told me, I am nothing to him. Sometimes, just out of the blue, I get overwhelmed by this fantasy thats quite energetic that would still never match what my actual experience was with him. His sexual energy was off the charts in other ways for me at least. I know its all a game and an image he puts out and I see people comment on how seductive and sexy he is but I know he doesn’t have what it really takes to back it in bed, but his game is good. But this is where I made some fatal mistakes in the past. I used to get swamped by these feelings and then be convinced it was so strong, so powerful, because HE also was feeling it and it was this special bond we had (yeah, I know…) That it was energy he was sending out to me because I was also on his mind. And whenever I did used to respond to these sensations, and would contact him, he was always right there, ready to respond so it reinforced my erroneous thinking. I sometimes conclude that all he did was awaken my own sexual being and it has nothing to do with him. But I wonder why it’s happening again, after 3 months of NC. No hoovering, no nothing and all that energy is bubbling up again.
I intend to channel it into my art, have NO intention of testing his responses again, but I don’t get this part I guess. Is this residual everpresence but I think it something else you were maybe going to explain to me. I do not want to give in ever again.
So if the offer is still open….
I desperately would like to talk to you. and in my experience he is absolutely correct. My experience with sex with a narc was absolutely intoxicating in fact I often believed that maybe that was why I stayed for so long I couldn’t figure out otherwise, why i would.
Omg!!!! So trueee!
Sarabella, mine was no good also. How can a narc be good at sex when they neither know nor care what you want or how you feel? I swear if I ever hear again, “Well you ought to like it,” or “it shouldn’t hurt,” I will blow his head off with a hand gun. – why it’s best I stay single……
HG….
Your words are so powerful that they cut through my soul. Being a victim of sexual abuse my narc husband used sex to torture me. I was scared of intimacy but I had to fake loving it. Otherwise he would accuse me of sleeping with other people. I became numb to his belief of love. He took his affection from me as fast as he gave it to me and I longed for it in the end as a dog begs for scraps. My heart was shattered but I craved a flicker of emotion just to feel like I still meant anything to him. Reading your words only confirms my darkest fear….that I was used and hurt by the person I gave myself too. He begged for a child them came and left as he pleased. Each time slandering my name and accusing me of being unfaithful. Each time I read a article it helps me to understand this shell of a man called my husband. I’m drowning by in this sea of oblivion, controlled by the master of my heart strings. All I want is to break free and swim…but I find myself drowning over and over again.
Mykeytolife
It is very much a process and it will be very painful, but only temporarily. You can do tempoary. You were already accepting a temporary husband, temporary intimacy linked to tempoary trust …..You are among many here who were, and are, feeling just as you do, and even though that brings you no comfort now, we promise in time it will. HG gives you the information blunt and brutal, not to hurt you, but for you to see the futility in expecting things to be different. Its how they are and that is not your responsibility. They are a shell and they will make you one. Your children are very much depending on that not to happen. I read in another post that you said he was a good father. I beg you to reconsider and see that in the light of day for what it really is-an extension of abuse. He is damaging them by his treatment of you. Do not be fooled that they dont know I knew everything as a child and it damaged me. He hit you while you had your child in your arms-that is not a good father. Her witnessing that is abuse of another kind-one I know all too well. Even the air is charged with toxins for a child living in these relationships. I am not in an intimate relationship with one, so I leave you to those who are, to speak to you on that. You should continue to read here, both HGs posts and the comments. You will be hurt and angry but in time become calm with understanding and the resolve that leads to indifference. Given what youve been through, you may feel alone and drowning, but you are not when you are here. Being here and with the help and understanding of others, will have you swimming to your children and taking them to higher ground. Dont make them beg for scraps as you were.
Can a victim narc be somatic?
May have some somatic traits but they can only belong to one cadre.
HG,
Yes, Sex was great during the Golden Period. After a couple of years, and after I found out about his 4 year affair it was not the same for me.
Thank you for a fabulous article!
Have a great Friday!!!
Thank you.
A sexually “provocative” yet very numbingly “painful” TRUTH, HG. And as usual, this particular vignette is reciprocal when the gender roles are reversed. An amazingly beautiful & living fantasy that has the dreadful side-effects of emotional & sexual violation at the core when the reality of TRUTH sets-in.
Thank you again HG. Your verbal surgical knife can be painful sometimes, but is very effective at shepherding the wounds ever toward healing & recovery for many of “our kind.”
I wish our community of friends all the best in identifying, accepting & discovering your own personal healing & “permanent” recovery.
But may I say that it is imperative that we learn to understand BOTH sides of this dysfunctional magnetic relational draw, “Their Kind” and “Our Kind.” This is the key to your personal success.
Everything I have read indicates I was caught up with a cerebral narc. The sex was not fantastic but it was not horrible. He climaxed a bit quickly and was definitely more “talk” rather than action. Nonetheless his words were powerful. Things like “Our love and affection is so deep for one another that we just want to treat each other to the very best we have to offer”….he often spoke in learned psychology terms too. “You enjoy making love to me not just because you are in love with me but because you are seeking validation from being able to satisfy me sexually and make me climax so quickly”. Yes…HE said that. To ME! Always psychoanalyzing me. Is this the type of stuff the cerebral narc usually does?
Gabrielle, mine was cerebral. Like you, I can’t identify with all the people who talk about great sex. Mine was pretty quick also, but no nice words or talk. Sex was for him, when he wanted it and what I wanted was not important. Mine used sex as a form of intimidation and dominance, and for his own pleasure.
While mine psychoanalysed everyone constantly, he rarely spoke about it. It was just automatic with him for his amusement and manipulations. When he would occasionally tell me what he thought of why I did something, he would use a calm, unemotional voice to drop a scathing/hurtful/embarrassing comment like a bomb. I might argue or not, but they always shook me up and made me uncertain and insecure for maybe even years.
When he shared his thoughts on others it was to impress or shock me and gain the fuel from my reactions. Usually he would make comments or predictions that I would never have thought of, but later on would prove accurate. He is a very intelligent, perceptive man and derives much fuel from playing Holmes to my Watson.
Windstorm2,
Wow the similarities (and even slight differences) are eerie and give me chills reading your story. Mine had the nice words (but I am sure he meant nothing of it and was full of shit and hot air). I recall one instance when he gently touched my face, looking directly into my eyes before kissing me and I began to cry. He said to me, “You’re crying?” He was not rude about it. Just…surprised. A look of puzzlement on his face. I guess at the time it seemed like he was surprised he had that effect on me but I guess now it makes sense. He was surprised because he had no idea why I would cry. I told him, “It is not sad tears, I am just overwhelmed with love for you. And the way you touched my face…” He then said “I will have to remember that one!” and laughed a sweet laugh. Again I thought nothing of that. Until now of course. He was obviously making mental notes for later. He also jokingly compared me to a “gay man” and said “I figured only gay men enjoyed that whole face touching thing”. Now I wonder if he spoke from experience because I always wondered if he’d been with a guy. He said he had not but really I can’t believe a word of anything now not knowing what traits and things were real or fake.
The last time I had sex with him right before he told me he would never see me again he kept his hands to himself pretty much. He had his hands on my hips the entire time pretty much using my body to get him off. He did look into my eyes (only because I was looking into his) and he had this blank expression on his face. Silly me I figured it was just his “sex face of concentration”. (that was what he called it, LOL).
He loved to psychoanalyze me. He did it condescendingly but polite and charming. For example he said “Your need for validation and attention stems back to from when you were a child. You did not get enough of this and now you seek it through me. That saddens me. As I learn more about you, I realize these things. I do not mean this in a negative way. It is very fascinating to me.” But oh heaven forbid I try and analyze him. Up came his wall. “I am impervious to psych analysis!” LOL. Such a little boy he was.
Funny you said “Holmes to my Watson”. LOL. He loved Sherlock and told me I needed to watch it. So I did. And talked with him about it. Oh the eerieness of it all!
Gabrielle, yes it can be eerie how similar they are. And I think it really helps to be able to talk to others like this and see that we’re not alone and that there are others who’ve gone thru the same type things. At least it has certainly helped me. I am very grateful to HG for putting up with and sorting thru all of our comments. Thank you, HG.
One thing you said made me laugh! You said yours let you know he was learning how different manipulations affected you. Mine would never have admitted that he didn’t already know beforehand!
Yes!!! Sex was his best performance, I would actually disappear and no longer exist. But the show would always end. THE END!!!
Interestingly enough…i do not feel this at all about my ex…crazy narc ex.
But….i realized i do feel this for my cop…. Who i encountered when i was married…. at the suggestion of my then husband… (open marriage for awhile…. at the suggestion of my now ex narc husband of course)
And only bc he wanted the cops girlfriend….
Anyway….i ended up falling hard for the cop. Best…most mind blowing sex in my life. His touch was electrifying….his package was love at 1st sight….. never ever had the feeling for that ever except with him….
I loved everything about him….
It was recently that i made this connection that i probably most definitely, even though i don’t want to admit it…had the ole symbiotic narc-empath relationship with the cop.
I was a little shocked when i made the connection after about 6 years.
With my now ex narc husband…i couple never relate to the empath draw to the narc. With this cop…i totally get it.
To this day…i struggle with the addiction i have to the cop….i don’t think i will ever get him out of my system. I can think about him and get an orgasm. Even though each of our lives has gone on…. i still communicate with him here and there… Even yesterday.
But… I’ve been trying to get rid of him for forever….. instinctively…i knew he was no good for me…. but…i never can. But he was never mean to me like my ex narc husband. Ive even told the cop… please be mean to me so i can go away…. but he never will.
So in this sense…i get the article and the draw….. and omg…. i am addicted to his sex…. if i could…i would have him for breakfast, lunch and dinner… and everything in between…i could never tire of that with him. It is an addiction. Geez. But like with all addictions….. they are not healthy… and that aspect needs to be understood and balanced with something more healthy. It then makes me sad bc for some reason…. i as an empath am drawn in this symbiotic pull to a narcissist… its clear. I’m not happy about that. It’s not what i wanted to discover about myself.
I thought never… but it’s in the way we are made somehow. As much as i don’t want to admit it. I just found and married a mean narc who cleverly covered it up long enough to get me.
But knowledge is power…. and though these narcs come in all shapes and sizes…. i am smarter… and lawd!….i just want to find a normal! Middle of the spectrum please. 🙂 (who gives good sex also.. 😉 )