The 30 Truths To The Wrong Focus
I explained how we construct the Wrong Focus so you end up concentrating on us rather than yourselves and in turn this hinders you, prevents you from moving forward and allows us to keep you where we want you, miserable, confused and wallowing in emotion. Of the thirty constituent parts of the wrong focus, what are the answers and observations to those questions and comments? Here are the truths that will enable you to avoid the effect of the Wrong Focus and thus in turn allow you to concentrate on yourself and your own needs.
- You will wonder why we treated you so terribly after we were so wonderful to you.
We did this because you stopped providing us with potent positive fuel. We needed to draw negative fuel from you instead in order to maintain our existence.
- You will want to know how we could have just left you like that after everything that you did for us?
With absolute ease. We only think of ourselves. You are just an appliance to us not a person. Someone else has our interest now and we regard them as better than you on every front.
- You will be perplexed as to how we are able to move on to somebody else so soon after being with you, especially since we said that you and I were soulmates and would be together until the end of time?
Those are standard hook-lines (look out for a forthcoming post on this) which we scatter like confetti in order to seduce them. We rarely mean anything we say to you as we are habitual liars
- What are we doing with our new acquisition?
More or less exactly what we did with you. Seducing them and giving them the golden period. We will apply similar techniques to how we charm and mesmerise them as we did with you. Expect us to say the same things, take them to the same places, buy the same gifts and so on, with some occasional changes.
- How are they better than you?
How long have you got? They are more beautiful, more loving, more intelligent, more successful, more fun, more admiring, more adoring, in fact whatever you were they are a thousand times better.
The truth is they are not, they may even be less than you, but we do not see that. To us they are shiny and new and thus amazing.
- Are we happy with that person now?
We don’t feel happy. We feel engorged by the power that surges through us from the fuel. We tell everyone we are happy though in order to maintain appearances and also in the hope you hear about our huge joy with this person.
- What has that person got that you haven’t?
To us, the most wonderful and potent positive fuel.
In your reality, they are little different, indeed you would be surprised by just how much in common you would have.
- She doesn’t even seem like our type so why on earth have we chosen her?
If she pours out positive fuel she is our type. That is all that matters. You are all appliances in our eyes.
- You spend your time on “Ex Watch” as you stalk our social media (and that of the new target) to see what we are doing together, what we are saying to one another and looking for any signs of trouble in this new relationship.
We want you doing this so you will not move on. You will not see any signs of trouble in paradise. Quite the contrary as we pump out the propaganda.
- You want our new relationship to fail so you feel better and validated because the same thing has happened to the new target as it did to you.
We know you do because that is how hateful and horrible you are and makes us wonder why on earth we ever chose. Don’t worry though, it will eventually falter, they always do.
- You feel a need to prove that you are happy (even though you are not) and that you need us to know that this is the case. You consider ways in which you can convey this message to us.
Don’t bother. We know you are torn apart and we will just laugh at your attempts to pretend otherwise. We can still sense what is really going on. Instead of appearing happy you would do better to appear neutral and unmoved.
- You wonder what you could do to win us back.
You really shouldn’t bother but you don’t have to do anything because we will hoover you soon enough.
- You wonder what mistakes were made that caused the relationship to fall apart.
How long have you got for us to list your litany of transgressions? The fact is that this is the case from our perspective. You did nothing wrong.
- You begin to imagine what is going on in between those four walls, that you knew so well once upon a time, becoming fixated with considering what is happening.
Everything that happened between you and I. It is actually frightening just how similar it is.
- You relive the day you had with us and think about whether we are doing the same things with the new person as we did with you.
Of course we are.
- You want us to explain why we did what we did?
Not going to happen. We need to keep you hanging on for answers and closure.
- You try to make sense of what has happened but you cannot. This does not, however, stop you from running the whole relationship through your head over and over again as you seek to find answers.
There is no point doing this. The answer does not lie there.
- You sit and ask yourself are we thinking about you?
No we aren’t. You don’t exist to us until you appear in a sphere of influence and then it is hoover time.
- You ruminate on whether we miss you at all.
We don’t miss you at all. We might miss your fuel at some point.
- Does she kiss us like you did?
Yes not that we care.
- Do we love her more than we loved you?
We will tell the world and you (and her) that we have never loved anyone like this before. Of course we have. It is always the same even though it is not love as you understand it.
- Have we kept the gifts you gave us?
Yes. They will be used to hoover and triangulate.
- Why have we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep the new target happy.
- Why haven’t we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep you hanging on.
- Why are we saying those things about you to other people?
It’s a smear campaign, get used to it. Everybody gets them. You are nothing special.
- Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?
No.
- Why does it feel like no matter what you do we always seem to win?
Because we change the rules to suit us.
- Will we ever speak to you again?
Oh yes. When it is hoover time.
- Will our friends and family still acknowledge you after everything that has happened?
No. The smear campaign is in effect. They will when we hoover you though.
- What if she is “the one”?
Of course she is. The replacement is always the one (until the next one).
Now you know.
80 thoughts on “The 30 Truths To The Wrong Focus”
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#17. The answer does not lie there. HG, where are the answers please?
Here.
Hi HG, what do you do when you still have to live with the narc? How do you not focus on those things?
You read Manipulated, Fuel, Devil’S Toolkit, Black Flag and `Escape so you know what to look our for and why and then you also know what to do about it. You will also need to read Defender once it has been completed.
Defender . . . what is the status please. Thank you.
Part written MO.
Sorry I hit send too soon again. I also wanted to add that mine had me thinking if there was something wrong with me as well . He love to psychoanalyze me, me why I was the way I was make it look like I was the one with the problem. He also would psychoanalyze himself as well, say that he was going to see a therapist to get help. Then he would unsay it and say things like ” I am impervious to psychoanalysis”.
Mind fuckery indeed!
Gabrielle…yes they are master manipulators. Mine has moved to blaming me outright and now says it wasn’t my fault. That he is just a bad person and any man would be lucky to have me. When I ask if that’s how he truly feels, then why did he start seeing his latest toy. His response: “Because I get along with her. I can talk to her. And she doesn’t check up on me.” So in other words, it IS my fault!
Apparently this new woman is the love of his life. His wife and I spoke a few months ago and she told me that he told her he wanted a divorce after 21 years of marriage. That this new girl is the love of his life and his destiny. That they want to get martied and have children (he has 4 with his wife plus another 4 from affairs he’s had that he doesn’t see or support since they are in Mexico; although I don’t know how true that is, since he told me that info. in various conversations and later denied he ever said it…GASLIGHTING!) and this new girl has 2 children. His wife agreed, as she’s getting tired of his treatment of her, but told him he was going to have to pay child support. He told his wife he wasn’t going to pay child support because he was going to help support the new toy’s children. And that he didn’t love or even like his own children. He loved hers! What kind of monster says that?!?!?!
I am now witnessing him treat this new girl (well, not so new…they’ve been seeing each other almost 3 years) the way he NEVER treated me. In the 9+ year we were together, he never once said “I love you” because, according to him, he was not the type to tell anyone he loves them bcuz then they would take advantage of him.
This is killing me. I gave unconditional love and support and helped him with anything he needed or asked for and now someone else is getting the “I love you’s” I never heard.
HG, if you read this, can you tell me if it’s possible he may have finally found true love with this latest toy?
No he will not have done so.
Nomorenarcs,
I am so sorry to have read all of that. That many kids? Geez! Awful! Mine said the same shit. It is not your fault, Gabrielle it is all my fault for coming onto you so strongly the way that I did.
Then later on it was “I should have seen YOUR red flags of crazy….telling me so early on that you loved me”……
Mmmmm what about your behavior in that regard buddy?
Always spun it around on me.
I often had to hear about how his wife was so sweet and loving and innocent and how she (and his child) did not deserve him cheating on her with me. Well asshole if you really loved her why’d you chase after me then? Yes I actually asked him that once. Minus the asshole part.
His response was classic:
“Do you know how drugs and addiction work, Gabrielle? You know you can want something AND know that it is still bad for you? You know like heroin! I am your drug and you are addicted to me!”
Thank you for posting this. Every single question listed is one I have torturously been asking myself for years now, or describes behavior I have been engaging in. This site has started me on a path to hopefully recovering from an almost 10 year relationship in which I was blamed (and accepted that blame) for numerous discards and hoovers. You see, I was the “other woman” for all that time. Of course the wife and all his ex-other women were repeatedly smeared when discussed. Lies were a daily event. He used me to get clothes, toys, gas for his vehicle, meals, and towards the end, he had gotten so bold as to cosistently ask me for money or to buy him things (I earn double his salary). I’m educated (MBA); he is not (8th grade education). I came from a prominent family in my hometown; he comes from poverty. I have a successful,
professional career; he was skilled labor at my place of employment and part-time singer in a band (lots of access to many admiring women). Oh, but was he ever so charming! A smooth talker. I was always too jealous of what was part of the job of being a musician. So I was banned from accompanying him to gigs (the shiny new toy is hauled along with him now to most of his gigs). The devaluations and discards started when I found out thru a friend that he was playing at a local club, when hours earlier he flat out lied and told me he wasn’t. He broke it off when I confronted him that night, but was back soon after; and I foolishly took him back. After every discard, he would come back all apologetic and I would fall for it. This last time, I found out about his new toy by checking the cell phone bill of the phone I was paying for so he could contact me without issues from his wife. He was calling her right before or after calling me. He would be on the phone with her while I would be following him to my house after I had taken him money to pay his bandmates for a gig in which he was paid by check. And when I confronted him and asked him why he was with her, it was my fault because I would check up on him and she didn’t. Sorry this post is so long, but I have been going through emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental hell for the last 3 years because I have blamed myself and have convinced myself that I was the party in the wrong. I’ve even thought that maybe I’m the narcissist. But now, because of this site and much research, I have come to recognize that I have been hoovered, devalued, gaslighted, manipulated, brainwashed, physically and mentally abused, mind fucked, and discarded to a very damaging degree. I have come close to suicide on one occassion, and have thought I was losing my mind too many times to count. I am so grateful for the insight you have provided me HG. I look forward to reading and informing myself in order to start the process of healing and hopefully getting some semblance of my sense of self back. I am trying to go NC. Just this week he called on my birthday twice after having sent me threatening and verbally abusive texts two weeks before. I ignored the calls. But tonight I did have a setback. The fact that he is now so happy and demonstrative of love he never showed me is hard to cope with. I hope that these will become less frequent and I can maintain complete NC.
May I ask how long your discards lasted before he hoovered?
It varied. But he never went past a year without contact. The last tine we spoke was June of last year, but just last week he called twice for my birthday. This after sending a threatening and hate-filled text because I had let his wife know that his latest squeeze was publishing on FB that she was with him at a gig. I know it was wrong to let her know but I can’t bear that he ALWAYS wins and never suffers for his treatment of women. But back to your question…I never know when he’ll try to contact me. One time that he discarded me for a new toy, he actually called 3 months later to ask me to please help him because he was so in love with this new girl but she was nothing like me. I would always be home and she would always be out. He knew I was faithful while she was always talking to other men. I realize now it was probably all bs and just a way to ensnare me into a triangulation (he staryed seeing me again but was still seeing her). He even went as far as to claim she had done witchcraft on him to trap him (a common thing in my area where Santaria is a business…I live on the border of Mexico). Looking back, it’s almost laughable now the lengths he would go to to justify his behavior and deflect responsibility for his actions. SMH.
Hi Hurt !
I’m wondering if some discards never get hoovered for a variety of reasons… what are your thoughts?
Especially if the N has a new primary in place… anything that threatens the fresh blood of a new juicy primary… must be kept at bay !!
I think N’s receive fuel extentionally from their perceived value of a source…if in the N’s opinion the new source is more popular, attractive, intelligent, monied, younger 😉 etc. He’s less likely to return to hoover a recently discarded source whom he might perceive to have less value … am I correct HG? That doesn’t mean he won’t mess with a discard via whatever medium he can get his hands on ! Because that’s fun fuel 😈😈
If the N has not secured new primary significant other I would say the length of the discard or silent treatment depends on whether or not his present tertiary sources of fuel are satisfactory. He’ll only hoover once he feels he’s punished you long enough… and from what I understand he doesn’t really think about his discards that much …really HG ?? ( this I have a problem accepting ) until they show up on his radar somehow…
this is my humble opinion and unfortunately my experience
Have a great day Hurt someday I hope you can change your name 🙂
Thank you for the response, Shantily. I actually I should change my name..
That is the whole thing that is bugging me, the value he attached to me. I think that I was an excellent supply source. I think that it would be difficult for him to find my caliber of woman. I am a doctor. I make good money, have my own house, is independent and all the other things you mention, not to sound conceited. I did however figure him out very early and called him out. So I think my intelligence intimidates him . The new primary source is a plain jane and bakes cake for a living. I am so dying for a hoover. I know it sounds crazy since I have all the facts. Even if he just hoovers so I can tell him off. I have major self esteem issues and rejection issues. Even though I know that I am attractive etc. I have always needed people to confirm my view of myself. And no I am not a narc, lol. I do hope that he will hoover. I haven’t kicked the addiction yet. The breakup was extremely messy and he suspects me of things that I did not do. I have been in consultation with HG who identified him as a middle midranger. Hoover triggers doesn’t work in him presently. I have been malign hoovered and triangulated excessively post discard which turned to benign hoovers after i did not react, and then suddenly being blocked on social media. I so wish I can figure him out. Or I hope I can wake up one morning and realise that I hate him. In my opinion I think the somatics hoover less, they are so arrogant, proud, think everyone want them and is so so stubborn. Is this correct HG? I ve been with a midrange cerebral before and he has never stopped hoovering for the last 5 years. But this somatic is just totally different. Ive been discarded in Nov but he still chatted to me on social media and then blocked in Feb. Im doing much better than I was in Dec-Feb. Back then I was a mess. But still misses him so much.
Hurt,
I am dealing with a middle mid-ranger as well. AND a cerebral (possibly slight victim as well). Many of the things you’ve described I can relate to myself as well. I could have written most of what you said word for word. I will admit I am dying for a hoover too because I have an arsenal of shit I would love to say to try and fuck with him. But I am sure it will all be useless anyway. My self esteem gets the better of me as well. And I think “well I am not getting hoovered….what is wrong with me?” And I know. I know they are not thinking of us (from what I have read). But I still wonder and overthink.
Mine pulled social media games too. First it was “I will block you someday. For our own good, yours and mine. And I will need you to agree and do the same” (said matter of factly and politely … hahaha)….
then later….
“I will not block you, it is too cowardly and final…”
I have not unfollowed him on Instagram yet. I can unfollow but he will still follow me back unless I block him or ask him to unfollow me. And I worry about his reactions to either of those since that is me reaching out.
He will randomly like a picture of mine once every other month or so. I guess that is my “hoover”. Pretty lame.
Is there anything else you can share about a mid ranger and/or cerebral? I bet it matches up with what I have dealt with.
Hurt :Oh my gosh our stories sound so much alike !!! My first N (oh yes I’m on my second) left me over two years ago and it almost killed me. I lost 20 lbs off my already small frame I felt like the life was actually leaving my body, he had hoovered off and on for 6 years. I believe I was trauma bonded to him .
Then he met a bimbo half his age (she’s nothing special sorry to sound so shallow but it’s true) and like you I believe I have above average attributes …. he just stopped coming back and he always came back ! He did a couple of things on social media but he’s gone …he’s marrying her. And if you read the Shiny, New and Improved? By HG … that’s what he did. I feel like his actions with the new gf ?? they were so heinously manufactured and designed to HURT me he should have be held criminally responsible for the damage it caused me emotionally.
And we’re not talking insensitive things we’re talking campaigns of hurtful shit.
Ignore him if anything will make him come back that will and if it’s doesn’t ? Well you can maintain your dignity.
Hurt, my dear, it’s doesn’t hurt like it used to. I’m glad he’s gone . I hope that makes you feel better. I have some days where I have maybe 15 mins of nostalgic Hell, then it dissipates. I even waved at him a few weeks ago. I’ll never get over it I know I won’t.
It gets easier … Do whatever it takes to heal yourself or you might just be open to be a victim a second time around like I was … I live in a small town…imagine ? and another one found me ..,
Don’t let that happen to you. Please.
S ❤️
It pains me to read all of this, that is all absolutely horrible and I feel so badly for you. I can relate with being the other woman. And pretty much everything else you’ve described minus the physical abuse. I don’t with the musician also and I know exactly the type that you’re talking about. So slick, so smooth, so charming. I was also suicidal for a little while as well until I came here and found this blog and things started to slowly make sense. I have moments where I still question everything and I struggle but if it wasn’t for this blog I would still be very confused. I was in therapy for a little while and shared every detail of my situation before I took a break ( mainly because it was so expensive and my insurance coverage was crappy, but I will be figuring out a way to go back soon) and the word “narcissist” never appeared on my therapist’s radar.
Stay strong.
Thank you Gabrielle. May we all find strength together through this blog.
HG- from a midrangers perspective- does the narcissist really plan all of this and do it deliberately? Especially the infatuation part, or is he genuinely infatuated?
I’m curious about #22. The gifts I gave him. How could he possibly use those to Hoover and/or triangulate me? A majority of what I gave him was music. Custom mixed CDs and a few albums of artists he told me he liked (but likely pretended to like).
Ugh the fact that they do everything the same with the new gf!!!!! I even got a tattoo a symbol of an anchor it was our symbol it was ours, even his children would say it represented our family it belonged to us or so I thought. And now “they” my ex N and his prepubescent fiancé have anchors on everything too !!! even on his damned Birthday cake! Just a small but ever so annoying example that nothing is scared to an N…
Covered in blood trying to remove all of the hooks and STILL hesitant about no contact/grey rock (I work with him). Ugh. What book do I start with?
Fuel so you understand what make him function. Then read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit, Escape and No Contact.
Why do you stalk us on social media if you say you dont think of us after the discard? And if you delete/ leave pics on fbook to provoke us, means you are still thinking about us in some way
Malign hoovers. You are being punished.
HG, I know a better technic . (Nr.22) Take the gifts of one woman (the gifts, in which you are not really interested) and give it to the next woman as a special present. This method is much cheaper for you and your flat or house is not full of gifts. Keep only some trophies, like love-letters or something else.
@Mona: The narc formerly in my life did exactly *that*! But I never wore that bracelet. Instead, when I quit for good, I sank it into the Etang d’Ixelles (a city lake nearby his place) and told him so: “I got rid of that thing because I knew right from the beginning that it was fake, and had a bad vibe, since you’d bought it for another woman who had obviously refused it or givem it back to you before you gave it to me. So it felt great to get rid of it eventually – so liberating! And then, I didn’t like the color (I hate yellow stones)!” He was really stunned and annoyed when I said this to him the very last time we met.
It’s best to get rid of all ‘memorabilia’, because none of them meant anything for real. But I know how hard it is. It took me over two years to do it (and erase him from my phone for good) but after I finally managed to get rid of all of him, I was free from the LoveSexy Addiction – and all the related stuff! 😊 Love & good vibes to all you strong, precious & beautiful souls out there, xx Alice
Hi Alice, thank you for your advice. I have to go a little bit different way. I use all the things he gave me (not very much). I use them until they are broken or useless. I do not see them as a memory, they are only things. No things of worth in my opinion. If the golden bracelet is broken, then it will be melt. I still had a picture book, which was a present for him by his friends. Well, he wanted it back. “Oh, I am so sorry, my coffee… You know, how clumpsy I am.”
I still have one special, ugly picture of him. It is placed at the door of my flat. Each day I take a look at it and say. “yes, that is you behind your facade.” Strangely, it gives me some comfort. If I throw all the things away, he gave me, he will remain in my memory forever. (I know myself). When I use them, they loose all their worth, it is as if they were a common handkerchief. You throw it away after using.
What happens if there is no more negative fuel flowing anymore. Is it a discard time?
Correct
Great, lol. I think I know who his replacement is going to be.
I used to think of it as being like a gig-saw puzzle. Trying to fit all the pieces together. Now…not so much. Its more like a mouses wheel, each rung (if thats what you call them), a new victim. Excep one. That would be me/us. The ‘dirty mouse’ runs from one rung to another, stopping at which ever victim he lands on. Off he goes again when the time is right. Sooner or later he will land on mine/ours. It’s hoover time!!
Its at least clearer for me to see, now put in that perspective.
Let the ‘dirty rat tHiNg’ just keep on spinning. Its all a game to him any how.
Thanks HG.
I don’t buy it, I just don’t. I can’t speak for all of your kind, but my ex would share truth about his hurt. He thinks no one can tell, that he’s just liking random memes, but he’s so obvious once you understand.
Since he left his house a mess, more selfmedicating then ever and just overall effing things up. I wrote him 2 days ago, something I know hit home. An hour later he sent me the one thing I know he’s insecure about that no one else knows about, not even his mom. And yes his mom and I speak daily. The thing I encouraged him to do on his own.
The smear campaign was ridiculous, he basically just told the world how he sees himself, yet his fans are too stupid to read between the lines. I do and he knows it, he told me time and time again to read between the lines. He knew I was listening. I see it as trying to reach out bc he’s tired. You can say no HG, but I was there, I have spoken to exes. We don’t share similar stories. I got through where others failed and that sent him running for his life. Don’t say no, just don’t. You can’t unsee the seen, not even those of your kind. Not everyone you meet will be just an appliance. Most will, but there’s always the one that changed the game, even in Lala land.
HG
I fucking love you.
THANK YOU.
💜
Always good to know Frecklemeadow.
Nicky ,
Sadly from my understanding Narcissism is no different then a child becoming codependent when living within an environment of addiction, abuse, abandonment or neglect. ( correct me if I’m wrong HG). In fact, both mirror each other’s in aspects of the great parallels of defense mechanisms. It’s the child’s only means of survival. It’s a pitiful circumstance and hurt perpetuates hurts. Simplistically any monster they Became is constructed to hide from torment inflicted upon them. Although they cause much pain and will leave nothing but unhealthy relationships in their wake, they merely chose to give up a piece of themselves to remain able to live. What would our inner being do in the situation? The real question is how can this be prevented in the early developmental age ; how can this generational cycle be prevented?
Too bad utopias don’t exist…
Moment of solace for the predator came and went; but now the wall must remain impenetrable!
Thank you.
“Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?
No.”
Sociopathic bastard!
Sorry HG. That was not right of me to use the ‘b’ word. I apologize.
Assume this applies to all narcs including frieNds, Neighbor s, busiNess associates etc. not just romantic partners.
life will never be good enough until they die they are mass up from birth from there parents people get done wrong all the time from they parents but some choose not to become narcissist but have narcissistic ways
When I was torturing myself with images of ex-narc having sex with the new appliance, it occurred to me that it’s a good thing he likes doggy-style. That way he doesn’t have to look at her face — because she is one ugly bitch. That thought made me laugh out loud. And, like banishing a boggart, the laughter removed the pain from the image.
RecoveringNarcoholic
😂😂😂😂😂
i could think the same
although is not funny at the moment..
I know it isn’t, Maria. But anything you can do to make him ridiculous and pathetic in your mind will diminish his power over you.
I hope my ex-narc’s ties or ropes malfunction and there is an accident. I discovered I am the smallest or skinniest he’s dated. From the women in his past and my replacement, he likes big girls (not saying there is anything wrong with that). Let’s see him flip them and turn them with his little ropes and gadgets. Boggart indeed, lol!
Recovering Narcoholic
In Canada we just call that “watching the hockey game”.
NarcAngel –
Now THAT’s funny!
In Detroit it’s called hockey style.
Absolutely all like that.
😢
It has destroyed me…
But my God is still on the throne ( so to speak ) and He eventually changes things.. i’ ve seen it in my life and that proof it is my anchor..
Maria, it has not destroyed you. It may be the most devastating thing that ever happens to you. It’s certainly the most emotionally damaged I’ve ever been, and I’ve lived for 69 years and had multiple divorces. (What’s that? You don’t think people in their 60s have love affairs and hot sex and all that? Think again!) But it has NOT destroyed you, unless you let it.
It’s the hardest thing in the world to admit that these 30 truths are true. That it wasn’t real. That he didn’t — and doesn’t — care about your feelings or your well-being. That you were only an appliance to him, easily replaced. But all that says far, far more about him than it does about you.
Read HG’s books, especially “Sitting Target,” and believe this part of what he says: This didn’t happen because you did anything wrong, or because you’re not good enough, or because you’re at fault in any way. It happened because you’re a good and decent and loving person. You’ll still be that tomorrow. And he’ll still be a sociopath.
Hold onto your faith, or the knowledge you now have, or your laughter (as we referred to in the posts below). And let go of the toxicity he brought into your life. You can do it. So can I.
Thank you RecoveringNarcoholic
💙💚
Hi Maria, you feel destroyed. I get that. I did too and sometime still do. But believe me, you are in the right place. So much confusion will lift as you read through HG’s posts and/or books. Once you get rid of the confusion acceptance happens. From acceptance healing is a natural progression.
It won’t be easy. And it won’t be quick. I don’t think there is a quick fix. For me and probably for a lot of people that have found their way here, the hardest part was realising that you actually never meant anything to them. It hurts and it doesn’t quite ‘sit right’ as they could and did treat you well at some point. You feel you KNOW that they did really love you and you’re the exception to the rule here because there was no way your narc could act his way 24/7.
Keep reading. The more you understand how they work the more it hurts but then the more you accept the more you will heal.
Good luck to you and remember- there are people here who KNOW and UNDERSTAND and BELIEVE you. Use us for support of to just rant 😊
Agree.
Thank you Karen1303
💚💛
Unrelated question, hope you can answer:
I’ve read your posts on schools and cadres and I’m wondering: How can you explain so clearly the schools and cadres you don’t belong to?
I do recognize your descriptions in many people I’ve known, so I can assume it is from observation and extrapolation from your own experience.
But I’m wondering if there are any innate differences between the schools and cadres you (and we) aren’t aware of.
Hello Karin, I can do so because I have interacted with them in my family, in my social life, through work and people I have met through business and life as a whole. I have reflected on this, studied them and from this been able to convey my observations for you.
I really enjoyed reading this article. 🙂 These truths I have come to realise over many months of crying myself to sleep at night. This is a very validating read: it will bring solace to the desperate and lost! Thank you for that, HG.
So you never want a lifetime companion? I know this but it’s difficult to understand.
SVR I could be wrong but I think they DO want a lifetime partner. I think they even may have high hopes that this ‘new one’ will live up to their expectations and repeatedly give them premium fuel. Unfortunately there will be, and we will be, never enough. We will never be appreciative enough, never be loving enough, never be sexual enough, basically we will never be ENOUGH no matter how hard we try. And try we will! but the outcome will always be the same because (clear) logic says you can’t give attention 24/7. It’s simply not possible. Unfortunately, they don’t share our logic or a true perception of reality and therefore they will always, in their minds, become starved of fuel and hard done by because their primary source can’t keep it up.
I ‘think’ that’s how it works.
Gave up the Chablis?
No not at all, but if offered Chianti, I would choose Pinot Noir instead.
I see. Why would you chose Pinot Noir over Chianti?
I prefer it.
What is the difference between the two? I have never tasted Chianti, I am familiar with Pinot Noir.
How dare anyone assume to know HG’s preference by offering him Chianti!? What an insult. HE will decide what he drinks and tonight he shall drink Pinot Noir. No no, it doesn’t matter that you have no Pinot Noir and it doesn’t actually matter that he would, indeed prefer Chianti tonight. Those points are irrelevant. You’ve already screwed up his night by offering Chianti, and after everything he’s done for you to make this evening special! After everything he continues to do to make your life pleasureable this is how you repay him?!
Expect to pay the price when we get home you ungrateful bitch….
Fair assesment HG?
Karen1303
I am going to assume that was not directed towards me but an example of a situation
If it was, please go back and reassess what I was asking
Twilight
I took Karens post as a tongue in cheek example of how a narc would twist that simple act/conversation into an incident. In humour.
Hi Twilight, no of course it wasn’t directed at you 😊 it was indeed an assesment of why HG may have chosen one over the other from a narcs point of view.
Simply drawing from my own experience with the ex husband.
Give him chicken for dinner -he would’ve prefered beef but he’ll eat it…
Give him coffee -he would’ve prefered green tea but it’s fine….
Put on his favourite dress- you look better in the green one but it’ll do….
My point was nothing can be ‘simple’ with a narc. There always had to be drama on even the small things like cooking dinner. I had to ‘ get it wrong’ regardless of what ‘it’ was.
He once told me to book a hotel and told me how much he wanted to pay. He then proceeded to go ballistic with me when I booked a hotel for the said price. “How much! That’s expensive. You’re very good at spending MY money” etc etc. Cue daily dose of confusion and wtf just happened moment.
Sorry if you think any of it was directed at you, it really wasn’t. 😊
I wasn’t sure it was to familiar to something why I asked. No offense taken and I do apologize if I am coming across aggressive been up for the past 48 hours and expecting my ex in laws, never a pleasant visit when it comes to them.
No need to apologise. And you didn’t come across as aggressive. If you’re feeling aggressive make sure you take it out on the ex in-laws 😉
Hope time passes quickly for you.
Lol I have a surprise for them, I am not that little girl anymore from Kansas. A brilliant man has been showing me some very interesting insights.
I don’t drink alcohol or caffeinated beverages anymore.
☕🍸🍹🍷🚫 😞
I used to be such a fun drunk. 👯
14. Well done! I can now see my replacement with her legs up…! 😣
Bat shit crazy but true.
Shuddering again.
Tonight HG, you are Hannibal Lector. Let’s say tonight you haven’t eased my insomnia.
I prefer pinot noir over Chianti.
Still afternoon here…. I’ll have some Pino noir (or chardonnay) 🙂
I have one to add:
31. How many times and ways can it be said that you still dont believe 1-30?
Great minds think alike with the name. It is hard to believe, but so very true, and it hurts just reading it.