The Weapon That Is Infidelity
Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –
- Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
- Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
- Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
- Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;
Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.
Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.
We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.
By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.
“Is it something I have done?”
This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.
We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –
“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”
“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”
“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”
“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”
“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”
You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.
Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.
50 thoughts on “The Weapon That Is Infidelity”
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Just wanted.to say.i have and am going threw this exact things dont really care to much anymore what he does because he has made me a women that could care less about. Cheating on me because i have lost my faithfull heart that i had for being 100 % faithfull could never cheat on my man heart and conscience that I used to have and stay commeted to my man only see hia face in the world of love and commitment. I cant say i have turn in to him but i. Am not being faithfull to him or any one for that matter i to have turned this insanity in to a 2yr twisted mess….what to do? what to do?
I am sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child HG. That it was denied and covered up, as well. All forms of abuse are harmfuland wrong, including narcissistic abuse.
Thank you, Victoria.
HG,
Like Gabrielle, my ex had “fake remorse” as well-he even cried while saying “I am so sorry” after I found out about his affair. Great act, looking back. But he was so convincing-I never knew any man could cry or rather sob and fake it so well. And of course it was then my fault because I “rejected him” when I would sometimes say “I am tired” to sex. Do they always think it’s our fault even if we had sex with them every day?
Thanks 🙂
I have to be honest, I had difficulty reading this. While I accept that affairs happen, there is usually remorse. With narcs, it’s anything but an affair and obviously, there’s no remorse. Of all the mess, the pathological lies, the stares, the rages and the darkness, infidelity was by far the hardest element for me to overcome, so-much-so, that when the evidence of infidelity presented itself with a phone call from his new supply, our 2 yr relationship ended there and then and I’ve been NC since that day 2 months ago.
I knew he was cheating with at least two women I knew, but I had no proof, although he did give me the human papillomavirus that can cause cervical cancer, which he vehemently denied had anything to do with him(!) Oh the irony… I had to endure biopsies and tests and didn’t receive the all clear until 8 months down the line. And all because he refused to wear a condom.
Narcs take good women and damage them. Despicable.
Scout….
While I accept that affairs happen, there is usually remorse.
Mine had “fake remorse”. Does that count? LOL.
Hi Gabrielle. Oh yes, fake ‘remorse’. Nearly forgot that little nugget! I’ve been subjected to a ‘tearful remorse’ but it wasn’t over my cancer scare. No, he ignored that completely which was only marginally better than fake concern; at least I knew he didn’t care one jot rather than watch him pretend to be sincere. So No has to the answer to your question. Lol! 🙂
Scout,
I agree-infidelity is by far the worse betrayal of our trust and to add salt to the wound-you’re right. They have no remorse, no guilt, no feelings as to the pain they cause. I am really sorry you had the virus and glad that you were able to heal. Good riddance!
I think every narc is different bc my narc definitely does not just use sex as a seduction tool he loves sex. He uses it to seduce and create a love bond but he does get something from the sex itself. I think cerebrals use it to seduce then stop once they have their victim hooked. All narcs do use sex to manipulate and use the give and take away tactic to punish passive aggressively.
I used to feel jealous over his other supply but now i just see it for what it is…his need for fuel. It doesnt make it right but it is what it is and its my decision to leave at any point. As long as he meets my needs ill stay but once that stops its time to move on or change things to friendship only. I do love my narc and enjoy the time we spend together so id hate to throw that away after 6 yrs. The npd has been a struggle at times and does make one wonder if its worth it being involved with this person. Nothings cut and dry in life.
Its never ideal to stay in a relationship with infidelity or be involved in it yourself.
Fine, until you catch an STD or worse Aids.
Fight for what you believe in, it’s unfortunate that you don’t trust or love self as much as you love it.
Narc Affair,
Are you married? I was in a relationship with my narc as IPPS for almost 11 years and he also loved sex – later I found out that he also like it with another for 4 years who lived 220 miles away-one weekend a month (which he said he had business) and who knows who else locally. I could not imagine being friends with him because he would still continue to lie and manipulate-that is what they are and what they do.
Why is it HG I could never catch him cheating? I know he was unfaithful. He would withhold sex for months at times. It didn’t matter if I bought lingerie or suggest bringing in another partner to spice things up he would just tell me I sounded like a whore and he would sleep with me only if I didn’t bitch so much or he would constantly accuse me of sleeping with his friends. I was always faithful. Then when I had enough and left him he would sleep with everyone. Sending me pics of multiple girls. Then when he would try to hoover he would lie and say those were just friends and he never slept with anyone. Any insight would be appreciated.
Hi Sophie
I had the same exact thing dating a high profile, successful “A lister”. Well known in the community for philanthropic efforts, society, etc. I believe it’s the narcs way to be extra entitled, special, and continually in need of fuel
The golden period was like nothing I could ever imagine. Gifts that were beyond generous. It was literally like a fairy tale. Little did I know that all if it came with strings….I was being groomed. Three years in and I desperately want out. The flags were there I just didn’t know them at the time
Looking back the discard process happened rather soon. Small things at first; made fun of how I said thank you, the way I did my hair, the way I dressed. Flags. Started to distance myself from the personal relationship months ago because I am healthy enough to recognize bullshit when I see it.
The “fall from grace” is exquisitely painful when you are involved with someone like this as all eyes see it. All shared friendships ended. I know where their loyalties lie. Makes me so cynical.
I am still working with him professionally and play the game to stay safe be neutral and quit giving ANY fuel. I won’t give him the satisfaction. But He can still completely *uck with me if he wants.
Sorry for the double post. Took so long I Thought it landed in spam
The narc I knew told me he did not believe in monogamy and neither did I. Straight away I thought how dare he tell me what I am (reminded me of my mother telling me what I am, can cope with etc) and I thought utter bull but let him believe his crap.
SVR,
When I attempted to discuss our relationship with him, he said something very similar, with his fancy schmancy big vocab and other word garbage….
“I see nothing wrong with having a sexual relationship with my friends….as long as it does not overstep the boundaries of my marriage. Many people would argue that merely indulging in sex would be overstepping those boundaries. This is the moral quandary that comes and goes in my mind….”
And come and go he did along with his “moral quandaries”.
“Gabrielle you are so hot and amazing. Being intimate with you was incredible. What we experienced was so incredible.”
“I cannot wait to see you again, there is so much I want to do and experience with you. Every moment I was with you I was breathless and light-headed, I am amazed at our sexual chemistry for one another.”
“I will take you however I may have you….”
And later….
“The sexual part of our relationship is over. The guilt is destroying me”
“My wife has done nothing wrong and does not deserve this”
“What we are doing is wrong”
“Stop telling me how much you want me. You need to stop! Please! Just stop!” (not said in a demanding or aggressive way either but more so from a pathetic begging standpoint)
(insert more sexual escapade here) and then cue the dramatics after…
Him: (after sex) “That cannot happen again!”
Me: “If you say no to me I will respect you….”
Him: “I can’t say no, my willpower is too weak in person….I cannot see you anymore, I need to “detox” from you….”
Oh and my all time fave:
“YOU know this is wrong. Our relationship is TOXIC!”
But hey I thought you were okay with sexual friendships…..
Oh how I was so tempted to say that. File that under “shit I will never get to say”. LOL.
To be honest with you….pleasurable….sex…? You are minimizing, definitely. Your inflated self does not let you admit that you like it a lot more than what you are willing to admit.
We must never forget that what you are mostly is a lyer. You lie about averything and everyone and the goal is to appear bigger, stronger, cooler and so on.
Sex, as the main representative of pleasure, however is also a battlefield. It’s an outlet for anger and frustration.
Sex and pleasure have a huge impact on people’s life, psyche and emotional well being. They are powerful forces not easy to tame. They must not be underestimated or they will run and ruin your life.
I haven’t read the posts lately… As it still is a bit painful. I wonder though if there are legal ramifications to all of this or would no one believe any of the nightmare that I suffered through. I leave it alone. I know for a fact that my abuser is no longer living where I once resided.. And yes he is an abuser in every sense of the word. I still hate and find it difficult to forgive. Maybe one day
Ahh, Jessica, what a beautiful name! I once knew a Jessica, an attractive Victim Lesser Narcissist, she was. I understand she is still a VLN, but not nearly as attractive as she once was. But, I digress, Jessica; I quite admire your commitment to nurturing your hatred, how long exactly has it been since you’ve been discarded? You’ve posted a query regarding legal ramifications, I don’t believe infidelity is a crime in western cultures, so there would be no “downside” to such behaviour. You indicate you “know for a fact” where your alleged “abuser” is or is not. How long have you been stalking him? How much longer do you plan to stalk the so called “abuser”? Jessica, I sincerely thank you for coming in here with your delicious fuel.
I know of a family where the father is a narc, and he doesn’t cheat because their religion forbids it.
You cannot know that for sure Jenna.
Fair enough, but judging by appearances, it doesn’t look like he could ensnare someone 😝
Narcissist often preach about how they hate people doing…exactly the thing they are doing 🙂
Indeed we do Brian, it is projection.
Yes, mine always claimed to hate drama, yet stirs it up
Everywhere he goes.
Brian, the narc dad in the family doesn’t preach about adultery. I just have a feeling he doesn’t engage in it, due to his religious background, and due to his unruly personal upkeep😄
interesting, that is like a cerebral narcissist, does he always try to prove how smart he is?
Brian, i think you’re correct. He must be a cerebral narcissist. I don’t know him well enough to answer your other question, but he is a physician, so maybe yes.
I have been with the same narc on and off for 13 years. I finally have been able diagnose him 5 months ago. Every time I escape and go back during his hovering. Last time, we were together for 2.5 years he cheated on me with 17 women– that’s I actually know off. He just tells me he needs to have someone knew. He is a well respected, rich businessman, pillar of the community and a philanthropist with a well recognized name. I can’t go full no contact because I work for him but We don’t have a personal relationship since January– after he brought another woman from an another state and installed her in his house and put her on a payroll. I am being humiliated every day since all my coworkers know the situation. No one said anything to her, and she totally is unaware of what he is and who I am.
The worst part is that everyone feels sorry for me, probably thinking I’m extremely dumb putting up with it. I am a highly educated and intelligent person with high IQ, emotionally though I’m stuck being a little girl afraid of abandonment.
I made a plan however, I decided to quitt in a few months ( budget issues-although he is a bilioner, he never helped me in any way, including financial help– although no one who knows him would believe me).
HG, a question: how long the golden period usually last? Now, that I think about it, I never had it. He always told me “I am the first”, and others are just “filling in”.
Hello Sophia, please see the article The Golden Period.
Hi Sophie
I had the same exact thing dating a high profile, successful “A lister”. Well known in the community for philanthropic efforts, society, etc. I believe it’s the narcs way to be extra entitled, special, and continually in need of fuel
The golden period was like nothing I could ever imagine. Gifts that were beyond generous. It was literally like a fairy tale. Little did I know that all if it came with strings….I was being groomed. Three years in and I desperately want out. The flags were there I just didn’t know them at the time
Looking back the discard process happened rather soon. Small things at first; made fun of how I said thank you, the way I did my hair, the way I dressed. Flags. Started to distance myself from the personal relationship months ago because I am healthy enough to recognize bullshit when I see it.
The “fall from grace” is exquisitely painful when you are involved with someone like this as all eyes see it. All shared friendships ended. I know where their loyalties lie. Makes me so cynical.
I am still working with him professionally and play the game to stay safe be neutral and quit giving ANY fuel. I won’t give him the satisfaction. But He can still completely *uck with me if he wants.
2020—
Thank you so much for your comment. My golden period wasn’t really golden as although he bought me gifts and took me on many fun trips, I was never that impressed with them as I was never with him for the money. And that pattern quickly change, he travels constantly for business, so it was rather going on a business trip to take care of him in the evening and night. He hates being alone. Soon he kept telling me I had to stay and work while he would take someone else. From the beginning I always knew about his double life, constant flirtatious behaviour (in my presence) and his cheating habits. He was never denying it like he was and is with others. I guess, he knew, I was too smart to believe all his crap. All his tricks like I want to marry and need a mother for my children didn’t work either since I always knew he will never commit and marry again. I think I am the only one who he could feel like himself without always putting on the face, pretend and lie. That’s why he always came back.
I’m going to quit my job in six months but meanwhile I’m going to watch the drama unfold with the new IPPS. I actually feel sorry for her. She is very naive and submissive and he treats her like a slave. She is also very ordinary looking, and rather boring. She doesn’t know who I am and anything yet. I’m surprise because I alway thought that narcissists are unable to ensnare an emotionally healthy person, and what I know about her she had a very good father figure when she was growing up.
If I could, I would say goodbye to my job tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, I am taking care of his teenage daughter, and he and her mother are relieved it’s someone else and not them. Both narcissistic personalities.
Sophia where are you from?
Hi Sophia. I am from Europe but I live in the US.
If he’s never done anything for you financially why quit? Once you know it’s fake we can no longer look at it as a golden period ewe and the worst my narc and mine did this. Not yours..public property. Get over it, no you are not a victim or volunteer there is something deeply rooted and disturbing to obsess over a doorknob.
Oh, my Narc told me all about his sex habits with his wife. They did it once a month and it took him forever to climax because he had been unfaithful to her so many times. Womp womp woe is me. Random question….he fits most of the criteria of a cerebral but also a victim as well. But he is definitely mid-range. Is it possible to be a mid-range victim AND cerebral or is the category more distinct?
A bit off topic, HG, but do you know the statistics for children who sexually abused siblings, the likelihood of them becoming a narcissist? There is more information regarding those that were sexually abused as children and that correlation. I am curious if a child who uses sex as a method of coercion and control over a sibling, is predestined to become a sociopath or narcissist . Especially, if he was never sexually abused. Are you familiar with this?
I understand the point PD but I do not know the statistics.
Yes, my apologies I was not really seeking numerical stats. More confirmation in the type of person that would engage in an incestous relationship with his sibling at such a young age. Would they already be considered a narcissist or just a sexual predator? Or both? Especially if they had not experienced sexual abuse themselves. I know through your writing you state were sexually abused by a female family member. My point is how did that manifest in yourself sexually? Did you ever receive therapy as a child? Or was it covered up and denied completely?
No not as a child. It was covered up.
I believe its often never the actual cheating but all the lies and character issues that come with a life of cheating. In the case of narc, it plays well into control and power and messing someone up in the head. Technically, I cheated but I was honest from the very beginning about my emotional relationship and even when I went to see him, my husband knew. Later, I was actually a bit angry about the fact that he wasn’t overtly jealous and didn’t try to stop me. If he had, maybe I wouldn’t have seen him and the damage would have been less. On the other hand, by seeing him, I got a real taste for who he actually is and it unraveled quickly after that, all things considered. If it had kept on for a long time via virtual discussion without meeting him again after decades, the day I did would have been that much more terrible for me. I would have built up a really fabricated world even worse than I did. 🙁
Unacceptable.
Terrible.
I honestly don’t think to have sex with another woman is a big problem . But this is something personal . I would not mind if my boyfriend ( he is not narc.) would like it. Because I think it is just rule of the society that we should love and have only one partner .
However, I know if I would cheat on my boyfriend I would hurt him, I love him and I want be with him and I don’t want see him sad . So, why should i do it?
The problem of your type are the reasons why you are not loyal .
HG! How about the opposite? How does a narcissist a Greater react about the infidelity of his partner?
Hello Superxena, you will find the answer in detail in this article.
https://narcsite.com/2017/03/06/cheating-on-the-narcissist-3/
Thank you HG, I will have a look at it!
Pleasure.
Funny i make a comment after reading the artical about the narc cheating and make.a comment and as i send the comment this question from u pops up funny how life takes it strange turns to what we sometimes need ….looking .forward to. A answer
Hello Betty!
I got this comment from you..I think it was meant to HG…any way I am glad if my question helped you to find what you were looking for!
Thank you for this article HG. Now I see it all and it’s not my fault nor can I fix it.