The House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
5 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
66 thoughts on “The House of Discards”
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I’ve been re-reading through some old posts lately. It’s amazing how you read and understand things differently as you gain more knowledge.
Regarding the type of discard, does this vary according to the school/cadre of N or do most Ns use all of the above and tailor it to the type of victim?
Wow I sense alot of ” lack of peace and harmony” in some comments….
One can never ever reach happiness if not reaching inner peacer.
HG–
My ex husband Narc left years ago, about 11–left our state. Hoovered me strong at first. Then it stopped. Would begin again from jail or when he would be let out of jail once extradited back to our state for various things such as criminal non support of our children etc, parole violation. Once, I really let him have it…called him out on all that he was. He was so shocked. He said, “what happened to my sweet girl? Why can’t we be friends?” I changed my numbers etc. He went back to his state. That was seven years ago where I “called him out” after I realized what he was…a true narcissist. Now, I will try to contact him via one of his (5!) Facebook accounts or his Google+ accounts once in a while to just send pics of his kids–that he has never once been interested in, or asking about child support (he owes 75,000), and no response. He also won’t be friends with me nor his children on social media–which is fine with me, but what I am puzzled by is this…
He is friends with all of the other gals on social media (no matter the distance from him) that he is no longer involved with, ones that he has discarded. One of them, that he was involved with right after he left me, that he had twins with (and the children were taken away) he still is in regular contact with though she lives clear across the United States. Oh, and these three chicks (that I know of that he has been with since he left) are really just not high quality. More like white trash, whereas, I was the gal he married young, at 21, that he really refined his narc skills on. The gal he is with now doesn’t have custody of her kids, rotten teeth, and both he and her look like they are 74, though they are in their late 30’s…has to be the drugs. Anyway…
What causes a narc, to keep in contact with some, and act like others don’t exist, especially if the M.O. Is to come back and Hoover or really absorb any fuel a past source may give with attention. Just curious?
I may have partially answered my own question with your blog entry…”Where’s My Hoover?” Thanks for such a great page into the insight into the mind of a narcissist. I thought I had moved on, got remarried, lots of therapy, EMDR for the PTSD for the years that I was married to my ex husband Narc. But, all it takes is a dream of him and the memories come back…and it’s not that I am in love with him, just of what I hoped he was. So sad…time to just let it go. That’s all he was, was an illusion. Time to just enjoy the life with my new spouse, and actually be thankful the Narc wants nothing to do with his children!
Obviously I meant to type dis-engage.
HG,
What about if I was the one to leave? Is that still considered a dis-engafe or discard?
I gave no indication of leaving until the day I left. I asked when he would like me move out & he said “today is as good a day as any.”
He didn’t think I would actually find a place to live…he thought I would come crawling back….will he be on the lookout for a hoover still?
Is it just a matter of staying out of his spheres?
And even in light of my recent comments on other articles I do need your advice.
Thank you.
If that happens, you are escaping.
Will he hoover? Depends on there being Hoover Triggers and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria is met. Stay out of the spheres and you will reduce the risk of triggers. There are other steps of course you can take to raise the hoover bar on the hoover execution criteria.
I think the worst and most disturbing thing here is not even the fact that someone’s legs are first complimented and later criticized. It’s that these legs might as well be the legs of a chair. To a narc who sees no person but only an object, it’s the same thing. Is this correct, HG?
Correct.
Ah, so you expect me to be under your charming spell, beaming me back to the Golden Era in a flash, incapacitated as your arms embrace my strangled waist?
(Sighs)… as feisty as I am, I can feel my resolve dissolves…
This is very unfair how the smallest of respites can be so disarming.
NC is the only way.
Power seized.
Yeah. He once told me, after so much drama and dramatic good-byes our both our parts that I have a lovely voice. This after he left me a voice note and I left some back. My heart just swelled up and then my mind said, nope, he means nothing by this and I squashed it. It was sad how I could not trust how good it made me feel. I was starved of compliments form him as he hands them out like candy to just about anyone. Never me though. So can you imagine. But, I just popped that joy like a balloon. It was the only nice thing he said about me after so much fighting and then 6 months of silence. Totally disarming and sad that we can’t even believe it anymore.
Hi Sarabella,
Mine used to flatter me on my body, my accent, how he loved our endless conversations… Well girl, he must have meant some of it! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! He broke my heart, but I’m keeping my self esteem! 💪
Sarabella, same for you. of course have a lovely voice and many other attributes. It is NOT because he “liked” them that they are made up.
Don’t second guess your qualities now. Their feelings for us, yes, let’s forget those. That’s a bust!
HG, surely you mean SOME of the compliments you pay your IPs: such as “great cook”…
Did you tell Olivia she had great legs during seduction? Hell, you told us!
Or does it “weaken ” your superiority if you do?
(Totally ok if you want to try to sugar coat that one!)
The compliment may indeed have a factual grounding but the intent behind the compliment is entirely self-serving.
Thus someone may well have shapely pins and therefore the compliment has a basis in fact, but it is said purely for the purpose of gathering fuel and seducing.
Someone may not be that good looking, but during seduction we will say that they are beautiful etc, purely for fuel and seducing.
Then those once shapely pins will be derided for being too muscular or too pale during devaluation. Again self-serving.
To you Olivia’s legs from your perspective looked great all the time. To me, they looked great during seduction and then too muscular during devaluation because the narcissistic perspective makes it so.
Wow. So you didn’t criticize her legs just to be hurtful? You actually didn’t like them anymore? So hard to fathom since you did fancy them.
Legs are legs.
Yet, when you hoovered her back, you did mention her great legs again.
White, black and white again.
Thank you HG. Again.
I read an entire thread once on some psych site about ASPD people talking about compliments and how they use them for only one purpose… power and fuel. Of course, they will notice the right things to compliment, but by pointing them out, doesn’t mean they value them or will want them to keep shinning. You have a lovely, bright smile… true… but they really want to see you cry, not keep the smile. Screwed up.
I just never got the depth of compliments that others got and continue to get. Never. And I wonder how much he withheld them because he never saw any good and beauty in me or he did see the good but withheld because nars always withold from those they ‘love’. Those they love the most are on the primary plane and so everything is a dance of doling out and withholding.
This is the one piece I can’t ever get over. If it was all fake, it would have been nice for him to have been as fake with me as he is with others. The glowing endearments, and praise and all that… might have made this worse but then again, at least maybe I sould feel that something of me had any shred of value to him. As it is, not one bit of me did. That is pretty lousy to not get any takes away at all. Which is why I was surprised he bothered to tell me that my voice was nice after so long. But my anger knowing it meant nothing flared up and it led to a fight within 48 hours. It was pretty crazy, all of it.
Hi Sarabella,
It is crushing to know the loving phase meant absolutely nothing.
But, don’t let that strip you from your attributes.
That’s exactly what he wants.
Its been gradual, but I am slowly getting that my attributes must have been really great and very threatening for him to want to inflict such harm when I had done nothing to him at all that merited this (ie, if he had wanted revenge for something). A combination of seeing our wounds and our light and wanting to hurt us for possessing both of them.
“They hurt us over ‘nothing'”…the Empaths’ chorus.
Until we put on the Narc goggles HG gave us. To see and to be protected against their toxic logic.
I don’t go out without mine!
Ballerina9,
Mine said the same complimentary stuff to me too! They must all have this Narc book that they recite from or some shit…..
Hi Gabrielle,
Or, it is also probably true that you are all these wonderful things! I’m sure you have heard it from your friends as well? for instance, if you have an accent and people comment on it regularly, then it is
This is the one reason I would ever consult with you HG and I am on the verge of doing so as I still cannot fathom his reasons for hoovering me if I were to tell you the part of the story that’s not so public. I can’t understand it other than my light shone much brighter than I knew and that was why he hoovered but the narc in him needed an in and a reason to discard/devalue later on so that is why he dredged up our past as his hook. I still can’t believe how cruel he could be on this but for your kind, I guess it’s nothing. But I still need to find peace on why hoover after so long. I get that its for life and he actually has a number of flings and old girlfriends still orbiting his world including his ex (mother of his kids). Women who go off and have other relationships but are still threaded to him. So I get hoovering and the dangling works to keep many around. But why ever hoover someone you completely discarded before out of shere hatred? He said he always ‘felt bad’ and I eventually said no way did he have a crises of conscience for so long and since he treated me as poorly, clearly he never changed around why he discarded me. Or he discarded me for reasons that weren’t that legit, as the deeper motive was I was an easy person to hurt and he knew he was doing so and that was the deepest joy for him. Someone to hurt. And I was easier to hurt than those that remain in his orbit?
You know where I am Sarabella.
I might start crying when I think of what he did and it would take alot to explain all of it. I am thinking of it, maybe writing would be better. thank you
You would not be the first who has cried in a consultation.
And how do you not live vicariously through tears not of your own doing but knowing how someone got to where they are as you understand what happened, the torture? How does that not fuel you in a backdoor way?
Sarabella
The first time I ever consulted with HG, I cried, I have gone through some very traumatic things, losing my daughter was heart wrenching for me.
He was very polite and respectful, he never changed his tone or reacted to this in any kind of malicious way, just let things be. He was very professional in how he handle it.
There is a very good chance he can help you find the answers and/or peace to whatever it is your looking for.
To which ever direction you chose I hope you find peace within yourself.
Hugs 🤗
I do apologize if I have overstep in any way.
Twilight,
No, you did not overstep at all. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. What would cause alot of difficulties for me right now, is that if some of his input is his perepective on how bad this actually was, meaning the narc’s motivation for hoovering me ages later, it might be more than I can handle right now.
There are some things going on that I am afraid talking about this in detail right now might create a whole lot of CD for me. But I am thinking seriously about it if the timing is right.
Sarabella
You will know when the time is right, I do understand thou, sometimes brutal truth is hard to swallow, especially when you are fighting hard against it.
You are in my thoughts
Hugs 🤗
I have accepted most of the brutal truth, that it was as he said, at my expense, that he used me and took advantage. He only wanted to be ‘friends’ for fuel and whatever twisted sense of conscience narcs have. But there is one bit left that if it was true, he is truely the worst human being I have EVER had the misfortune of ever knowing. Truely. And that he screwed me over twice in my life in almost the same way, then he is really a horrible little monster.
Sarabella
My heart goes out to you, I really do understand. Time has a way of bringing the answers you need at the time you need them. It is our impatience that cause so much frustration and misery.
In so many areas, especially with healing.
Two things:
Does it occur to you that when you are in that phase of “this one won’t break” and the golden period, that you might actually be ‘happy”? And that you begin to resent your happiness being held in someone else’s hands and this is why you then begin to devalue? Because if someone ELSE has the power to make you actually happy, then you have no control, thus begins the criticisms and games?
Second:
Why would he EVER have hoovered after 30 years? When he clearly, as a teen was a growing narc and he clearly didn’t outgrow his shallow outlook on life and beauty to have actually ever try to be a friend to me? He knows he only likes shallow things or so he says cause his last little appliance other than her lips, sure didn’t have much going for her. So why would you hoover someone you (he) found so disgusting (me)? This is the part I still don’t get and I never will.
Or are you in such a mode that you don’t even think twice about what you are doing and his hoover of me was not even conscious but just how he operates with everyone so there was no conscious hoovering at all? He was just vaccuuming up attention and I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and because of our history, I fell in to it easily enough? Like he was on auto pilot?
The last part is what i feel coming:
… and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
That last paragraph is chilling. Exactly how my ex played the discard. Like he read that as a guidebook. And I played right into his hands. If I had any doubt that he is indeed a despicable narc, reading that removed it.
HG, If we posted your site and YouTube channel to our narcs, and told them we were excited and happy to find such a new and interesting read, yet at the same time still be nice and forth-giving with our fuel, but obviously in a fake, smarmy kind of way – would they pick up on this? The greater would, I think…but would the mid-range and lesser just be grateful of the fuel?
What part are you asking about whether they will pick up on it? My work or you being fake in the provision of fuel?
If they’re a covert narc, then they would cotton on to the ‘testing’ of the articles.
I was wondering if the covert narc would feel edgey about recieving potential ‘fake fuel’, now he realises the empath reads such things?
Hey HG, does it occur to you that the super empath on supernova mode will remove your wegde from the ajar door, slam it shut in exasperation at this wishy-washy BS discard and instead stick the wedge back under the closed door.
Now…. how do you plan on returning?
Through our barricaded windows?
Try the chimney, I’m getting the matches…
Feisty. I like.
Now, now, why don’t you come outside in this lovely golden sunshine and sit with me whilst we talk this through….
It is mighty hot in this golden sunshine. Let me get some drinks.
And by “whilst we talk”, surely you mean whilst you try to brainwash me with more of your epic mind fuckery?
Uh oh, you don’t look too well, your eyes are rolling back into your sockets…what do you mean, did I pour something in your Chablis?
In thirty minutes, you’ll wake up thinking you’re on the movie set of “Misery”, with Kathy Bates and James Caan … chained … to the bed.
Now Darling, what did you want to talk about?
You would not have got any further than the first sentence.
Oh really? And why not?
(Though all I’d need, would be for you to take a sip)
Don’t forget you’d be faking an interest in “talking”. So what makes you so sure?
Because once you are in that golden light again you are in my clutches.
Plus, because of what I do, I am very much alive to the risk of a Mickey Finn.
Hm, Interesting clue. So your occupation is either with pharmaceutical reps or street pharmacists 😁
No.
2. The Savage Strike -‘We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it.’ Mr .Tudor,why a narcissist feels that he has got no choice but to take this action? For what reason? Is this because an appliance is in a bad state or may potentially escape?
The appliance is malfunctioning and this infuriates us which means we need to lash out in order to gain fuel but also to punish.
Ta!
And yet, I was enraged when he ‘malfunctioned’ on me. Liar, fraud, con, tricked me ….
As crazy as it sounds, I’ve been through all of these. I was enjoying the vanishing act with the peace and silence it has brought, until I learned all of the hateful things he has been doing in the back ground to sabotage my life. The N will always win. NC has just bred more problems. At least when I was in contact, I knew what to expect, his moods, his behaviors….
NC brought out a monster that has crushed the people I cared for, for nothing but the sport of inflicting pain
I had a mix of the Savage Strike (he had told me a minute before “I’m so in love with you and not just sexually”, so not too Savage) and of the Wedge.
Hoovers every month or so since.
Is that the Striking Wedge? 😁
Hi HG,
I’m confused by these a bit as I actually wounded mine and went against her wishes on 2 things she hated the most. Within 12 days she was hooked up and gone to move in with new supply. What kind of discard would this be classified as?
That would come within Vanishing Act, ETS, she was away and gone and with someone else pronto.
Thank you so much HG, this really helps a lot! I really appreciate your response! Have a wonderful day!
You are welcome.
i got the wedge… But i had to go no contact. Its amazing to me that this can be So spot on about her.
I feel like a million bucks now that shes gone.
So helpful. Thank you
PS to clarify, all my information will be kept private but one post may cross paths via the friend of friends permissions structure. I have no intention of letting anything show publicly. And I probably actually won’t particpate in FB anymore as I find it too depressing and am prefering Instagram for viewing art. But I would like to never have him think he both drove me from FB or he controls that anymore.
I have a question about responses to the discard. Per the unresolved different perspectives/agenda of the narc and I, we were never able to get out of the fight/fuel dynamic. Once the fighting had started, seemed there was no going back to anything and certainly forget any golden smolden period. So about the vanishing/discard/who holds power question…. He “warned” me about my “behavior” before he used his rage to vanish/withdraw/block me via online communication. I have no intention of ever reaching out to him ever again. I have been off of FB for nearly 5 months. My account deactivated. In many ways, I have no desire to return to it. But what I don’t want is to return to my old account where he has blocked me and there is alot of bad mojo on that account for me. I also don’t want to look at all my history there and short of painstakingly deleting things and I want to get rid of alot of people, so I prefer to start a new account. Some of the people I will refriend will be very old friends we have in common. I have no intention of ever reaching out to him ever again. But I do not want him to have any more control over blocking me. I thwarted one social media place, a new FB account will undo that power and only in whatsapp am I blocked. I blocked him back there so I am fine with that.
How would you react to someone who escaped you, who told you who you are, wounded you alot (and I mean big time), and who now quasi escaped all of your control via blocking and suddenly popped up again but never, ever spoke to you again?
I broke my #1 Rule with social media and that was to chat privately. If I had never done that with him, this mess would not have started. But some part of me wants to give this more time, then rejoin FB and start a whole new account, new rules, new perspective to engagement with everyone.
Why would I do this… to show him that I can also never speak to him again like he has shown me he is capable with me. And if my indifference and if I keep everything privately locked down, he will never know what is going on behind my account. Maybe he will see me post something one day or my name will cross his path. But to him, utter silence on my part but I have taken back control by coming back on my term and thwarted his block and thwarting it on this one account is a big deal. To clue you into his type of game, he blocked me on that account (he has 3 fb accounts for stuff) but left me unblocked on others. So it’s all just power and control. And for me, to take it away from him, I can see that popping back up on FB and never acknowleding him ever again will bother him a whole lot and that will be my final revenge. Total indifference on the outside even if my world still is affected by this.
Yeah or neah? Has anyone flipped your control over them on you that way with you? He is feeding off of his control over blocking me so If I do this, he will get no more negative fuel from me that way and I close this story of my life.
Well now I know what #5 meant all this time.
“I am not going to be the one to decide this, Gabrielle. But you need me out of your life bad!”
“Do it. End it. Take a break. Do it.”
“I either make you happy or I make you crazy. This is no way to live. You need to detach yourself from my presence in your life”
“If you love me you’ll leave me alone”
Oh with the usual references of “But I will not abandon you….” mixed in there.
oh yes. “Get lost. Forget about me. Let me go. You are only hurting yourself to … I am always here. Just give us a break….” What a MF.
I threw mine out when I grew tired of his alcoholism and other ridiculous shenanigans. So I would say that I escaped, correct? He left. But he came back the next day while I was away.. and he put a mixture of bleach and ammonia in my air conditioning duct.
And he still hoovers.
Well I think your narc was as vicious and petty and vindictive as mine was. During what turned out to be his last visit to my home, he dumped a handful of different species of roaches, of which I was able to dispose.
He was envious/jealous of me for professing that I could control my feelings. I told him, at the very beginning that I couldn’t view him as a potential husband or long-term partner because it wouldn’t be fair to me or to him due to him being 12 years my junior. He asked me how I was going to be able to repress my feelings and I told him that I would compartmentalize our relationship. In retrospect, I can now see that my words would have caused him great injury and I paid for them for five years. He is s gorgeous man, 6’4″ all muscle. He couldn’t totally break me so he lashed out with the Vanishing Act. It was so confusing and baffling to me and yes, it hurt deeply. As it was intended.
I got that golden wedge. Thanks for bringing clarity. Sometimes I doubt my judgement of him as a narcissist because of the damn charm and then I see posts like this. The golden wedge makes it SO hard to move on. Golden period, devaluation with lots of respite, continuous triangulation and golden wedge discard. 🧀 Recipe for heartbreak.
Agree with you completely. 100%. So hard to move thru.