17 Salvos of Silence
Silence is golden. Or rather, it is a golden weapon when deployed by our kind. The use of silent treatment against our victims is a major part of our portfolio of abusive manipulations. Easy to implement, very low in terms of energy expended but capable of reaping such considerable rewards in terms of fuel, control, the assertion of superiority and the administration of power, it is little wonder that we use it regularly. The application of silence can be used virtually at any time and in nearly every situation. This cold fury causes frustration, upset, fearfulness, concern, confusion and bewilderment. It is perfect at drawing fuel from our victims. It is astonishing just how it affects those it is used against, causing the emotional fuel to froth and spill from the perplexed and worried individual. It causes anxiety and has a most unsettling effect which ensures that those who are subjected to it are unable to understand why it is being used. By maintaining a heightened emotional state, we ensure that you never manage to grasp what is happening and why this passive aggressive tactic is being used. It plays to your desire to know what is happening and why, but you do not realise. You hover around us, asking what is wrong, why are you not speaking to me, what is the matter, please just talk to me. Every sentence you utter, ever plea you make and every beseeched demand just makes us continue it all the more. In those instances, where the silent treatment is administered and we remain proximate to you, we will maintain a glacial mask. An impassive fixed expression which may be punctuated by the occasional baleful glare, but underneath this mask we are smiling and laughing at you. Look at how upset she is, see the confusion in her eyes and wait for it, here comes another question, another plea, another request to be put out of her misery. How the fuel flows and we revel in what we see.
Even when the silent treatment is utilised against you from a distance and we are not physically with you, we are savouring just how you will be reacting. We can picture you frantically jabbing your ‘phone as you send text after text asking us to come home, to call you and just explain what the problem is. We listen to your tear-infused voicemails as you ask us to just let you know that we are okay. Your sobbing promises to work things out and “whatever I have done, I am sorry, but please, please don’t do this to me.” Of course your failure to understand what you have done is used against you in two ways so that you are damned either way. Your admission that you do not know what you have done (which of course is entirely correct, how could you know what has happened when we just walked out of the living room when everybody was say quietly watching television?) just serves to underline, in our minds, that we are right to take this course of action. Good Lord, why should we bother to contact you if you cannot even be bothered to work out what you have done wrong. All the more reason to keep this silence going for a while longer yet. Furthermore, because it is so effective at troubling you and keeping you guessing as to what the reason for this icy front is, we want to continue it.
The silent treatment is used for many reasons. First and foremost, as with all manipulations, it is used to draw fuel. It is to exert control over you. It is to keep you in an emotional place and thus paralysed, unable to see what is happening and unable to think clearly. It is to reinforce that we are powerful, superior and mighty, whilst you are useless and pathetic. You do not know how to please us, you do not know how to remedy matter and you cannot even work out what you have done. You are useless.
There is also a further reason why we use the silent treatment. This is our way of killing you. True enough there are those of our kind who actually do kill their victims. Those people are idiots. They lack control, function and competence and allow their knee-jerk response to override their need for fuel and the ability to do as we please. By committing such an act, by losing control and killing, those of our kind who do this (invariably the lesser of our kind) not only destroy their primary source of fuel (often with no true contingency in place) but they then hand themselves on a plate to the authorities, a prison sentence and the attendance diminution in fuel gathering opportunities that arise from incarceration. As I wrote, they are idiots.
Those of us who exert control over our responses, those of us who are of a higher function, who plot and plan and calculate, do not go down such a route. No, instead we slay with silence and here are seventeen salvos which bring about that quiet death.
- Remaining in the room and saying nothing and not even acknowledging you.
- Remaining silent but staring malevolently at you.
- Talking to others in a social gathering but blanking you.
- Ignoring your telephone calls.
- Answering your telephone calls but saying nothing as we listen to you beg and plea before ending the call.
- Ignoring your text messages.
- Allowing you to know we have read your messages but never responding.
- Responding to everybody else’s comments on a social media post but not yours.
- Inviting everybody in a social group to which you belong, to an event, but not inviting you.
- Agreeing to meet for a date and not turn up.
- Sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, anywhere but in the bed with you.
- Walking out all of a sudden and completely disappearing.
- Not engaging with you directly but acknowledging your existence through a third party – “John, did you hear something then? I thought I heard something squeak/whine/moan” used when you speak.
- Extending the silent treatment so it is meted out by lieutenants and members of the coterie.
- Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognise the sender of this letter/message/e-mail”
- We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.
- You hear from other parties that we have been talking in terms as if you do not exist – “Yes, I am going to the wedding next week, I am happy to do so on my own, I am not being controlled then.” Even though you had no idea that we have such a plan in mind. Your existence has been eradicated and deleted by us and relayed back to you by proxy.
Yes, the application of the silent treatment is powerful indeed. It is regarded as a “death blow” against you.
Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.
67 thoughts on “17 Salvos of Silence”
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It is, ” Murder without feeling”, As stated in another blog post. I find the concept and use of silence by a narcissist fascinating and disturbing.
HG, do you know anyone has has been murdered, by something more then silence? I know you do not use violence against your victims, but has any of your appliances suffered violence at anothers hand? Would you still blame her or another for depriving you of fuel? Such as the one you state you cannot hoover, I think you call her Karen, whom readers assume is no longer living. Was it at her hand or the hand of another that she let you go and let you down?
I know people who have been murdered, yes.
Some of my appliances suffered violence before they met me.
It was by her hand.
I am relieved you do not physically harm others HG, mind your emotional harm is also devastating to your victims.
I am sorry for Karen and al those who have suffered so horribly with the cost of their own well being and lives.
I do not physically harm women, but if I had to, I would.
Can you Define, have to ? If they are assaulting you, for self defence?
Self-Defence is one basis yes. Because the situation demands it for the purposes of fuel, punishment and control. Because I need an outlet.
Yes, I can understand that, I would gush fuel if a man assaulted me In any manner. He wouldn’t do it again. Have you ever done so, HG?
Have I ever done what?
Physically harm a woman?
Never have done so, it is beneath me.
There is no more control when it escalates to that. This terrifies me.
“I do not physically harm women, but if I had to, I would.”
“Because the situation demands it for the purposes of fuel, punishment and control. Because I need an outlet.”
This is disgusting. I think i just lost my respect for you.
If anyone hurts children, women, the elderly, the sick, animals, the defenseless, etc. i will hate you.
HG, you gave us a narcissist’s point of view. But, the other person doesn’t always feel and think what you think they do. It sometimes is the exact opposite. Your silence, and actions of silence, could be a precious welcoming gift to some. Here are a few taken from your noted points:
● Imagine the relief, no more answering questions, nor commands, just long awaited blessed silence.
● Stare all you want while I read, watch TV, do whatever I’m doing, as long as you finally be quiet for a change. I’m so enjoying myself right now, you can sit and watch.
● I’m busy talking with people who actually listen to me and respond in human conversation with me. I’m not paying any attention to you at a gathering, I’m enjoying myself too much. I don’t get that from you, you know this, that’s why I don’t notice you not paying attention to me. I’m busy being fully delighted.
● Ignore my call, that only means you miss out on the important information from the call I received that I was supposed to give to you. So I had to call you.
● I don’t care if you don’t respond to my text, I told you what you needed to know to get things done. I didn’t require a response, nor desired one. Task completed.
● You didn’t invite me to the event! I secretly awaited this day. I secretly wished for this all this time. Not to be invited to one of the parties. I hate pretending that we are the happy couple. A woman knows.
● You didn’t show up for our dinner at the restaurant, I was so relieved. I had a peaceful,stress-free meal. I had some wine while listening to classical music, and had some great conversation.
● (In response to me speaking to people in the room: “Did you hear something?”) Haha, at least he’s not talking to me. Evidently, he’s still listening to every word I say. I least I don’t have to listen to him.
“Be quiet, be very very quiet.”
Silent treatments never worked on me. in silence I can hear myself think… I’m comfortable with silence even around strangers. I seek my own counsel in silence. I feel no need to fill it with chatter as I turn inward and analyze events.
Silence works for me to cause pain, but it is also when I sit and start moving the pieces around, looking for patterns, looking for the story of events that led to the silence. Far better to keep me jumping and confused than isolate me that way.
My greater ex has been texting me lately, he’s worried I haven’t responded first time in 17 years.
So I texted him the link to this site just now:
‘aww, you’re not worried about me, you’re curious what effect your lengthy silent treatment had in me. ‘
https://narcsite.com/2017/04/27/17-salvos-of-silence/
I’m curious how he reacts. He’s a greater.
Really? You too? giving me ST? c’mon.. what’s going on my dear? hmm? olol 💘
you don’t have to publish everything I wrote, delete the comments if u like
I’m sorry.. you see I’m still having complex ptsd symptoms, once I’m cold, another time warm..
He has responded four hours later with:
“(1/3) Thats not true i have not been well myself. I was concerned very much. Good to hear from you ans so assume all is ok. I am slow about many things.
Not(2/3) hing seems worthwhile anymore. Not even life. But your typical attitude of tou and only you saddens me. Guess you are you and will never change. But thats(3/3) ok. Be you.”
I texted: “You’re projecting.”
Him: Ok. Keep it up. Number your friends. Live lonely and alone. Bye.
That’s all after a few weeks of ST after I told him I needed something from him, information that was important to me and he knew it. He would forget about our meeting, let me wait, or not turn up, didn’t respond etc. until a few days later he texted me that info, and I haven’t responded, so he became worried… BS
Hence the texts today. A week ago I removed him from my FB, and Linked In.
I’m done with him after 19 years of knowing him, and after almost 10 years of nothing between us of intimate nature. Sometimes he still pretends to care for me.
But you don’t want our death or we cease to be supply. So what are you really trying to kill? Our spirit? Oir soul? Our source of life inside?
definitely our independence… maybe our individuality from them? based on what I read… good question though… HG mentioned making us part of them so that we become an extension of their need, their will… something to that effect anyway… ?
I wonder than if our want and need of them once hooked isn’t like their need of fuel
It lowers your self esteem.
Very good questions sarabella. HG, can you help us with that? Are you trying to kill our soul, our spirit …. ? Once you do that we are no longer the awesome people you fell for in the first place.
Your resistance and non-compliance. There is no such thing as a soul. If your traits become ground down and you become numbed (and this does not apply to every victim) then we just find someone else anyway.
Ah, the worst… Add a borderline into the mix, go grab yourself a bag of popcorn, and watch the show…
I still don’t understand the borderline personality type. It confuses me.
#10 but he stopped it when i explained to him that it hurts me
Well if the silent treatment can be implemented by the Narc as planned, to me they know exactly what they are doing and the emotional impact it has on the victim. I have to say because of this I absolutely enjoy giving him the Silent Treatment now and for the last year. I know he created different profiles on FB, I have blocked several, but I’m sure he has more. Hope he is enjoying what he put out because now he is getting it.
Maureen, How can you tell he created profiles?
Well I have blocked his original page then I got 5 different request from different radiations of his full name with different pics of him so I blocked those 5 but now I have a feeling because I’m onto it and blocked him he created a fake name so now I changed privacy so only friends can follow me see my pics and friends. I really tightened page up
Items 4-6 – As you know, I HATE silent treatments. You have always said it brings on a flow of fuel with the incoming messages whether emails, calls or texts with worry or apologies from the supply trying to get communication going.
Back when I used to do that, JN would normally stay silent, or tell me to leave him alone.
But twice when I really thought a final discard had happened, he would wait several hours and then text back a caveman response like “ok” or “cool”.
I thought he was being sarcastic to my pouring my heart out. Was that him actually trying to gray rock me? A maneuver to get me irritated at such a poor response? Staying silent would actually be better than doing that at that point.
I never experienced the silent treatment until my now husband. It’s his favorite form of punishment. It took me a LONG time to figure out it was a manipulation and now that I know, it doesn’t kill me anymore. In fact, I kind of prefer it now because then I can do more of what I want without feeling the need to walk on eggshells all of the time.
*A drink of water, I mean.
I wonder how powerful he feels if he returns from an absent ST to find the locks (to her home) changed.
He will be wounded and the fury will ignite Matilda.
True, HG. One had to do a risk-benefit analysis first (type and cadre), and brace oneself for the repercussions.
HG the last time my husband raged at me he was foaming at the mouth. What the heck was that about? Is he psychotic or demon possessed? How common is this? He was verbally abusive, and physically aggressive to the point where he made me feel degraded but did not physically hurt me in his rage. In fact he took a short break to get a drink in the middle of the rage.
It is the manifestation of his fury.
Precisely what I did. It felt good to hear him desperately turning his key in the lock trying to figure out why it wouldn’t open.
I was so tempted to text him and let him know when I’d done it. I’m glad I didn’t. It have me great satisfaction to see his frustration, confusion, realisation, disbelief, fury and wound (in that order) in real time.
God he brings my narc traits out 😕
Ha! You should have danced behind the door, Karen, boxing the air like HG did in his junior narc days! 😀
Did he retaliate, and if so, how (if you want to share)?
Hi Matilda, yes he retaliated. He took the fridge freezer and microwave! lol! Said I was a disgrace after he was going to ‘graciously’ hand his and his mum’s keys back to me. This was 6 weeks after he left. I had asked for his keys so many times and his reply on every occasion was “what an insult. You think I’m going to come in your house when you’re not there? (Erm yes!) What do you think I’m going to do, rob you? (Probably) and my Mother is heartbroken that you don’t trust her. She thinks the world of you and you have just broken her heart”
Needless to say I gave up and had the locks changed.
Hi Karen,
I had much worse scenarios in mind – am watching too many crime shows! 😀 But I am glad that your situation was irritating albeit manageable. A fridge and microwave in return for peace and quiet is a very good deal! Yes, there comes a time when you are just done asking, and take action. Well done! 🙂
Hi Matilda, thank you. Yes the fridge and microwave were just instruments for him to get back in my house. He had already taken pretty much everything but thought by saying “I’m coming for this or that” he could stay in my life and still have some control. He was wrong. By this time the police were already involved and so they told him that he needed to get everything else that he wanted this final time as he wouldn’t be allowed past my door again. Another wounding for him. What pissed him off most though was the fact that I still wouldn’t ‘connect’ with him. I was still silent. He tried everything to get me to connect with him but I wouldn’t. Everything went through police and he didnt hear a direct word from me.
*manageable albeit irritating, I meant to say… haven’t had a cup of tea today, and it shows!! 😉
“What pissed him off most though was the fact that I still wouldn’t ‘connect’ with him. I was still silent.”
That’s exactly it! No reaction at all is the best punishment. That little voice in his head probably taunted him for not being able to evoke a reaction from you…
Exactly Matilda 😊
If I only had one piece of advice to give to victims it would be ‘silence’
The biggest f**k you is silence. And the best revenge.
True, Karen! But oh my, how long it takes to get there, on your own… I am so glad that current and future victims have somewhere to turn to now, to get real answers, to break free from this madness!
Absolutely. Its just a shame we can’t educate potential victims BEFORE they get trapped. I wonder what percentage of victims actually realise before they’re discarded/escape? I know I didn’t have a clue until well afterwards.
HG’s books, imo, should be in the school curriculum.
This very thought was discussed a few months ago, and we came to the conclusion that education needed to start at kindergarten age. 😀
I have no problem saying no, it’s called having boundaries, this ability isn’t only the tool of anti-social people. World-views are connected to the self, if your thinking and feeling is responsive and flexible you can percieve complex reality, if it’s rigid, you need the world to reflect what you already believe or want to believe.
You’re back to Hannibal Lector again.
Shit.
Silence is golden…nuff said…or not. Low expectations and all…or turnabout is fair play. It never worked for either of them when they tried. It angered them when I gave it back.
I was recipient from one of my parents. She may not be one of your kind. It deadened me to ST…except when the fkn emotion comes alive. Oh well.
That malevolent glare was a look of pure murderous hate. It makes me feel sick even to remember that stare. But I flipped the switch with the ST and gave it back even better that I got. I learned how to manipulate the manipulator very well but it really wasn’t any fun, it was a constant war.
Hmm, I employed and utilized some of these ST techniques as well. Wasn’t predominant until LTR with bpd/narc and became more prevalent over the years. My ST’s were always short term(1-5 days) My intent and motive was more of a reverse psych. & tough love approach as a response to bad behaviour. I learned to leave escalating arguments to avoid the inevitable ugly no-win situation and then disappeared to avoid the ensuing 153 texts, 24 vm’s and 36 missed calls(all in one nite!) Funny, guess she never understood that I turned my phone off?…in addition, quite often I would have to find an alternate place to crash as she would try to follow my escapes and stalk my home waiting for me. Does this make me part narc? Or was it just “fleas”? Or survival instincts?
you really hit the nail on the head with this one. it really did feel like a slow death. my narc did many of the examples listed. yet, it still felt like it could be my fault or like i was just imagining it. craziness!
I’ve been waiting to see if you mentioned those of your kind who kill or try to kill. Thanks for your insight HG. Finding this blog has helped me tremendously. You can expect to see an email consult request from me once the fog has lifted enough for me to format my questions. Thanks for what you do.
#4, #6, #7, #8 and #10.
Same here!
I never understand when people say the silence is some kind of horrible thing. I loved it. The only good virtue of a narcissist is silence. They should use it more. If fact, stop talking completely, that way they will not be talking therefore they will not be lying. Never talk I say, make the world a more peaceful place.
I agree. Though I was the one to dole out the silent treatment when I learned how much he detested it.
He didn’t have the control to stay silent but I did.
Said it many times….the biggest F*** you is silence. In ANY dealings with the narc.
Yes! You are right! Let’s enjoy heir silence. K love a bit of peace and quiet.
Every single one of these things are happening to me now. We are suppose to be co-parenting but he refuses to talk to me about anything. My ex narc is playing mind games on our youngest son and recently has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Something my ex knows all too well.
HG, so in this scenario where a narc walked out when everyone was quietly watching TV, is it because not paying attention to and focusing on the narc instead was a criticism? Thank you!
Why don’t we leave!!! I understand why I stayed…the shame, low self esteem, thinking enuf love will change them, blah, blah, blah. But when you read it in black and white you can’t help but ask yourself what the fuck was I thinking?!?!?!
and the answer to that one is that you/we weren’t thinking the same way you/we are thinking now… we were brain washed and had to break free of that emotional chain. It proven that where emotions move in the logical brain moves out… to break free, at least in my case, I did have to distance myself from the emotions and start actually thinking. the more negative cycling happened the less my emotions clouded my view of it all. There is no logic to emotions and they know how to make us react emotionally enough to keep us from thinking… at least for a time…
Excellent explanation Ali!
Me and my ex are not together and he still is like this towards me. Despite us not being together he still feels the need to insult me, criticise me, blame me, shout at me, lie about me, or his favourite to blank me completely. Why can’t he just be civil? For 2 years now this has gone on for! We are. It together why still feel the need to make me feel bad about Me?