Vulnerable
Do you remember those early, heady days when I first began to seduce you? Of course you do. Those moments have been branded into your memory and can never be erased, no matter how hard you try. So wonderful were those initial months of our courtship as we began our dance together that you cannot help but recall them and feel that bittersweet tinge. Many times as you have fought through your devaluation and discard you have harked back to those magical moments as you sought some kind of solace from them. Somehow, as you sat with tear-stained cheeks you would force a smile through the misery as you latched on to remembering the things that I said to you, those beautiful, loving and mesmerising words which gripped your heart and took it heavenward. It was impossible to resist the love-bombing which I unleashed upon you and similarly it is impossible for you to banish those memories as you sit amongst the debris of our relationship wondering what on earth has happened. You can easily be forgiven for seeking refuge from the misery amongst those golden thoughts. It is the obvious thing to do to try and take away the searing pain which now burns you. Naturally, this is all something which I planned and is a natural consequence of becoming entangled with me. Do not feel any shame in the fact that you keep running to those thoughts and taking hold of them as you seek to ease your agony. Keep doing it. All the others did and all the others will.
As you walk through those wonderful thoughts and memories, replaying our time together like an incessant loop of our “best of” moments do you recall what else you did during this seduction? Can you remember something else that was happening as we created these scintillating memories? Yes, I know you can remember, how could you forget? It was one of the many things that I did for you which drew you closer to me and made you fall oh so deeply in love with the illusion. What was it that I did? I made you feel safe. I created that sanctuary and opened the door and ushered you in. I showed you how this gleaming and beautiful paradise was impregnable to the wretched and woeful world beyond. I assured you that being in here with me meant that you need never worry about those things again. I would keep the wailing tormentors from your door and ensure that those things did not trouble you anymore. That was the sole condition for entry into this haven that I had constructed for you. Tell me about those things so I can shield you from them. You had never had someone make such a sacrifice for you before. The way we understood how badly those things affected you. We really seemed to grasp the impact that those things had had upon you as we listened with patience and comprehension. You were hesitant at first, the mere act of recollection being one that caused you consternation. You had no issue in confiding in us, no that was not the issue. We had banished any concerns you may have had about trusting us with these secrets within moments, such was our assured charm. No, what troubled you was bringing those dark memories, those fragile foibles to the surface once again. Yet as the words came from your mouth and the tears trickled down your cheeks you felt the cathartic effect of off-loading all of those things to us. From the minor concerns through to the deep-seated and life changing troubles you conveyed each and every one to us and it felt wonderful to do so. The burden came away from you and for the first time ever you felt freedom from those things as you passed the baton onto us and we readily took it from you. You exorcised those ghosts and stepped into our sanctuary elated and delighted to have been able to purge those things from yourself and embrace a new start with us. For too long those things had held you back. For too long you had walked a rocky road alone, stooped and bent double under the weight of your concerns. There had been others but you did not feel able to share the load as you did with me. I was different. There was something about me which made you feel like you could tell me anything and everything and I would deal with it. I would flex those angelic wings and extend them to surround and protect you. Unburdened by those things you walked taller, felt stronger and you had me to thank for this process. Your gratitude and admiration flowed incessantly and I was only too happy to wash myself in this fountain of praise although in keeping with the personae I had created I accepted your compliments with humble acknowledgement. You entered my sanctuary and told me all your weaknesses.
This was achieved in such a way that you felt no shame in telling me them. That was another difference. You knew I would not judge you for them. You knew I would not regard you as silly or stupid for having certain concerns.
“It is how you regard them that matters, not how everyone else views them.”
You remember that sentence and how you seized it with great gladness, thankful that at last somebody understood and recognised how to deal with your concerns. Your confidence in me was absolute and I even made it seem as if I actually liked your weaknesses and that gave you great comfort.
All I was doing as you sat there on those many occasions where you shared your concerns, your vulnerabilities and weaknesses with me (for they did not all come out in one session, no, it took weeks of careful extraction on many different occasions to amass them all) was stockpiling my armoury. Your admission that you cannot swim and thus are terrified of deep water was moulded into a missile. Your explanation that you were bullied at school because you had short hair arising from having to have it shorn because your brother poured glue over your head one time became a hand grenade. The fact you suffer a noticeable red flush across your chest and neck when you feel agitated created a bullet. Your confession that you suffer excessive wind formed another bullet. The abuse you suffered at the hands of a family member when you were eight became a thermonuclear device ready to detonate at a later date. Each and every weakness, from your inability to resist eating a packet of biscuits in one sitting through to your fear of public speaking was noted, recorded and fashioned into a weapon. You thought you were safe in the sanctuary. That was just an illusion. You were actually sat in my armoury and I was there with you creating these weapons to use against you at a later date. Each weakness you admitted to me you thought you were handing to me for me to carry on your behalf. The reality was you were giving me the material from which I could create a weapon – be it a sharp stick with which to prod you or a nuclear missile to obliterate you. You thought it was some form of absolution but all you were doing was arming me.
I always want to know about your weaknesses. Your weaknesses become forged into my strengths in readiness for the war of devaluation that I shall wage against you. Keep talking, there is an arsenal to be created.
20 thoughts on “Vulnerable”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Are you quite sure you are not my ex HG????????
No I am not quite sure Lisa. I am completely sure.
If you say so HG. (Raising one eyebrow with a slight smirk here)…..lol
Ditto K
No comment.
I remember, it was early spring, and with everything springing to life, so was our love. Everything was magical, every moment had significance, and a heightened sense of being in the moment.
And then in the summer he destroyed everything in a violent fit of fury.
Fuck you HG, i hate how right your thought are. I can leave my narc behind but those first year memories….it’s like fairytale comes to life. And i have to admit that it’s difficult to forget those moments
I remember him doing similar. Sometimes he would just listen and hold me, and this feeling of safety and security would envelop me when I was in his arms. I could forget the whole rest of the world, because he was there and he ‘was’ the world, and everything was ok. It’s how I imagine a child would have felt if they ran to Daddy after a nightmare. Too bad the nightmare was actually him.
Yeah that false sense of security they make you feel with them Cherrylin ! ..I’m still trying to fathom what’s happened really.
I made friends with a female narcissist. She was a communal narcissist. Participated in a lot of non-profit causes. She overextended herself with Monster energy drinks and ended up hospitalized. She couldn’t say no. I fell for her because she was so sweet and kind to me. She took me to her church which was a very good church and I opened up to the message it preached. No sex or romance with her was ever involved. At one point she had lost her job and I gave her some money to tide her over for 2 months until her next job started. I thought I was being a good Christian. She then started to devalue me. I protested about the devaluation and was discarded within 2 weeks after giving her $5000. I sent an apology and a note I had hurt feelings. The silent treatment continued for a month. Then she sent me a mean note that my 2 messages were disturbing and interfering with her obligations. I didn’t respond. Then a month later she tried denigrating me and triangulating me with the pastor. It didn’t work. After a few weeks I wrote her an email that called her out on the Idealize Devalue Discard narcissistic behavior and that I knew what she was. I told her that she needed to find God’s love inside of her. This time she really blasted me to the pastor and he pushed back on me. Told me it was my job to heal from this. He didn’t understand. I just want to wound her enough to be permanently discarded…
I told him about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. He tricked me by telling me about how his father slapped him in the face once… or maybe this was genuine..? I told him that I have a fear of heights , that I need to feel safe, that I need certainty and security and i don’t like risk. I trusted him.
HG..So the only reason for you to be interested in our weaknesses and vulnerabilities is premeditated for the sole purpose of using them against us as weapons? Do you apply the same principle concerning you? Is that why you do not trust people ? You do not let them close enough so they would never know your vulnerabilities that could be used against you?
Approximately 6 months ago, I went cold turkey on a female friend I had known since I was 12 (I am now 40) due to the fact she was a narc. A greater narc. I’d known for years what she was like, but managed to escape her mostly due to time spent with my family. Once you know and have had enough, it’s easy to ‘discard’ them. It’s as simple as that. Rather than live in the past, thank your lucky stars they’re no longer a part of your life and live in the present
HG provides the perfect insight to help us rid those little voices in our heads that are saying ‘You can’t ignore them or dump them, then that would make you the heartless one too’. No. We should learn to turn our backs on anyone who makes us question our own gut instincts
I would rather be completely alone than live my life dancing to someone elses tune. I trust my own tune now
This tactic has been used against me since…..as long as I can remember. My Parents would find out what scared me then proceed to expose me to it and then laugh or yell at me. It was then oh so easy for my Narc half brother to tell me that he felt sorry for me and he would take care of me and protect me. He talked and listened and took care of me. I believed him. Then he sexually abused me. Now I don’t believe anyone. I don’t trust anyone. I was forever damaged by your kinds acts of love and kindness. A child is innocent in there beliefs. Your kind takes away innocence and trust and are proud of it. You are an abuser. You do what was done to you. This is what made me seek your kind out, play the game and give them a taste of their own medicine. It was not right for me to abuse these men back. It was trying to fix something that was done to me. You are trying to fix what was done to you. Lets look at your memories. Oh fond memories there indeed. Thats why you dont tell yours. You know that they could be used against you. You dont trust us. Its a war from the beginning. Cant we just let go and take care of each other instead of playing the game? Only when we grow psychologically can we stop this abuse and trust someone. We may never love, but we can stop the behavior if we choose to.
What is the longest you have gone with just one IP? One- faithful and only being with her
I have never been faithful to an IPPS during the course of the Formal Relationship.
HG,
What is the highest amount of intimate relationships you’ve had at one time?
Do you mean in the ‘instant’ or running alongside one another?
Running along side each other please.