Hush
Hush. I don’t want you to make any sound. None at all. If you do you will spoil this moment. This is not a time for noise, of any kind. Yes, I admit I normally like you to be making some sound. Whether it is your words of admiration, your scream of terror, your murmurs of delight, your shouted anger or moans of passion. All the noises which you make for me are welcomed, so long as you coat them with your feelings. I do not care for bare comment, neutral and anodyne, that does nothing for me and may even harm me, but you won’t do that for me will you? You do not want to hurt me, ever, do you? You are not like that. Your kind are not like that, you care and you love and you give. No, no, stay silent. You have no need to speak. Just lie there. Be still. I want to allow my eyes to roam over your naked form as you lie there next to me, exposed, vulnerable. I know you are looking at my eyes, I can sense it. My gaze is not meeting yours at the moment though as I am allowing my eyes to slowly move across you. I regard your toes, pointing upwards, bare and free of varnish. You rarely apply such gloss to them but you do ensure they are clean, cut and presentable. I know you can see me looking at them. I know you are wondering whether I am going to lower my wonderful mouth to them and suck them or bite them. I am not going to do either of those things but you are uncertain. I can tell that you are because your apprehension is flowing from you and I am drinking that in. That tiny shudder you just gave was not from the cool air that permeates this twilight space. No, that was indicative of the apprehension which has taken hold of you. I know you are stood at a fork in your mind. I know what you will be thinking. I know because I make you think this way, why else would I do it? I do it for control. I control everything about you. You stand at that fork wondering whether I will lead you down the line to explosive pleasure or down the dark road towards hurt and pain. You have no idea which it will be because as you have come to learn these last few months, I am capable of both. Should you feel excited? Should you feel nervous? Which is to be? Hush now, do not speak. Oh I know that you want to speak, you cannot help yourself. You want to ask. Always the questioning isn’t it? Ask, question, query, challenge and so forth. Not now. You want the answer but you are not getting that answer. Not yet. I make a gentle shushing sound. Is it a noise of reassurance, that which the doting mother provides to the new born offspring or is the noise of patronising chastisement, treating you like a child? You do not know. How I revel in your confusion. I know you are looking at my face desperately looking for some kind of clue, some hint, some acknowledgement of what is going on in my delinquent mind. You are denied. My face is frozen, mouth set straight, brow neither raised or furrowed, eyebrows unyielding and then there are my eyes. You cannot see yourself anymore in them. I have stopped that for the time being. Usually you get to see exactly what you want to see in them. Whether it is joy, hope, love, passion, excitement, intrigue and so much more. You are only seeing what I know you want to see because I reflect from these eyes what is showing in your eyes. You do not look upon me. You look upon yourself. That has changed tonight. Now two impenetrable black orbs are all that you can see. The place where you usually lose yourself has become lost to you. You will find no succour for you there. You will find no reassurance or indication of what is about to happen. That is hidden from you now.
You make to issue a further sound and a shake of my head halts you. My fingers trace the red weal on your thigh, the pads of two of my fingers running either side of this mark. Another shudder and I can sense you are desperate to speak buy hush my dear, hush my love, this is not the time for speaking. I know you will wonder why my fingers trace this mark. Am I soothing you or reflecting on its origin? You have no idea have you? I allow my fingers to move upwards across the tender flesh of your thigh. Is it now that it will happen or will I wait? You lift your left thigh in anticipation and I continue to allow my fingers to drift northwards. I hear your intake of breath and know that again you are making so as to speak. My hand leaves your thigh and I place one finger against your lips. The gesture clear and unmistakable. The moment where you might have broken the silence passes and I wait and wait a while longer before I move my finger away. Your body beside me is ramrod straight as you are unable to relax, every nerve-ending alert and bracing itself for whatever comes next, whatever that might be. The outside of my hand brushes your soft cheek, your impressive complexion noticeable even in this half-light. A cheek that sometimes glows red from the consequences of my endeavours. Is it the glow of shame which will coat your cheek? Is it the surge of a passionate flush that will linger there? Or something else?
Now I look at your eyes and this is when I begin to derive the true benefit from this enforced silence. My eyes convey nothing. Yours tell me everything. They flit back and forth, scrutinising my face for some kind of signal, some kind of sign. I am not transmitting. I am only set to receive and receive I do as I drink in the earnest anxiety flooding from your eyes. I see the attempt to mollify me as you allow those beautiful, expressive eyes to reach out to me. I see the look of apprehension cut through the attempt as the nervousness returns. You are obedient now. Remaining silent, my repeated exhortations, soft and low, for you to remain silent have been heeded. Now you are trying to speak to me using your eyes and you are doing so magnificently. The lack of noise, the absence of speech, now makes the emotions in your eyes a hundred times more intense. I absorb those feelings which flood from your eyes. I drink them in, consuming them for my own benefit. This is why it works so well. Complete control of you as you lie there, still, unmoving on the bed, slight and occasional tremble from your limbs as you wait in conflicting anticipation for what may come. What will it be this time? How will I deal with you? There can be no spoken protestation, no elucidated request for confirmation, only this continuing silence, punctuated from time to time by my hushing you.
My eyes remain locked on yours as my left hand once again begins to glide about your body. The lightest of touches which glides from throat, to breast and to stomach. Back and forth moves my hand, like some wizard commencing the gesticulations for his spell-casting. My spell is already working as you remain frozen, barely daring to move, only allowing your chest to rise with your breathing and your eyes to dart left and right, still probing, still seeking those answers.
Hush my darling, hush my dear, hush my love.
My hand rises and then clamps over your mouth.
Your eyes widen. Fear and excitement fighting against one another and all the while giving me what I need.
Hush.
Now it begins.
55 thoughts on “Hush”
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Crying uncontrollably once again as you describe parts of my life. 31 years and I thought this was love. I’m still learning. Still reading all your words. At some point I suppose I’ll have enough. But for now, I’ll keep reading, learning, crying.
I keep saying thank you but it’s bittersweet. Thank you helping me see. But not thanking you for the torrent of deep seated emotional scars brought to the front of my amnesiac mind.
I can’t help reading your posts and imagining it’s my narc writing them.
I fear i’ll become even more addicted through your words while I’m being dished the silent treatment, but he shouldn’t being taking the credit for these words, HG.
I came here to heal, goddamn it
If you can understand and “seize the power”, you WILL heal
And the saga continues ……
HG may we get the cuffs update, with a side of suit and tie 😉 lol
From my experience.. true.. I’ve been raped by both greater and lesser. They don’t take no for an answer, in fact they don’t hear it.
My first time with a man was a rape, by a greater.
The lesser regarded me and still regards me as his property, and there was no way for me to stop him, unless I called the police.
So I don’t believe there is such thing as consent in a relationship with a narcissist.
There is an important point in this article which maybe overlooked by the casual reader.
Any emotion you feel, when in the presence of a narcissist, is provoked on purpose.
If a narcissist is talking on the phone in front of you, and the conversation just so happens to be about something that you find distasteful or disturbing, it is absolutely on purpose.
Meow
And most of it is transparent!! But don’t you dare …roll your eyes right sir ? 🙏
I had to interact with mine this week for the first time in months. He worked hard to set me off. I bit my lip. I will never get a Coke out of a Pepsi machine. Sad, sad human being.
Good on you 🙂
I have a sensitive question and I am sorry if I hurt anyone but I am curious. Do Narcs actually rape or have they raped their victims? The one I was with was all holier than thou and acted all mighty. Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Do-Good. Mr. Respectful. Before we crossed our intimacy boundaries we had talks about what we liked and did not like, comfortable with and not comfortable with. I was LD/DLR so I was not subjected to many of the things from the sex book but I remember mine being on a soapbox regarding rape and how horrible it was and how rapists should be murdered and all of that. It seemed to be a hot button issue for him. I recall a Facebook post from a friend or family member (no idea who) about sexual assault awareness and he commented on it saying “I vow to find the people who did this to you and kill them”. I wonder if he really was a rapist to his other victims or if he just liked to pretend he was the superhero.
My apologies if me mentioning sexual assault upsets anyone. Not my intention, just asking a question.
Excuse me…
Is there a reason why I am ignored when I ask a question?
HG, if you do not have an answer, it would be nice to know that too.
If you do have an answer, I did ask the question for a reason….or are you being rude to provoke fuel?
Not at all. As you can see I receive a lot of comments and questions (not just here) and the simple fact is that I only have so much time available to answer questions on the blog. I will do so when time allows me to do so but nobody is ignored. There may occasions where I regard the question as rhetorical and hence it may not be answered. Accordingly, your question will be answered in time and thus remain in moderation or if it has been posted and I did not answer, please feel free to ask again.
And to answer your final question, you are a tertiary source and therefore any fuel provided is low in potency and therefore not worth me purposefully being rude to obtain it.
When things got stale my boyfriend started to sleep rape me. I prefer consensual sex, but when it come to fuel anything goes.
Sleep rape. I know you couldn’t because of who you are and circumstances but I would bloody give him one…and it would not be what he was wanting.. awful specimen. His appendage would not be hard for long!
SVR,
This is going to sound really strange, but the experience was so mind-blowing that I compartmentalized it and completely forgot about it till I read, Why? How? Who?. When I read about it in the blog post, the memories all came flooding back. I was in big time denial. He was so strong and it was so fast that I couldn’t even defend myself. It was like an ambush. When I complained about it, he wouldn’t listen. These are the words he said to me. “You enjoy it.” God, he was such an asshole!
K. Compartmentalization is not a good thing long term. These narcs are truly awful individuals. I watch children and cats very closely now and the way they act and behave is a narc to a T. They are truly damaged individuals but we think we can help them and we truly want to. This is to detriment of self. I do hope you are having assistance along the way to recover. I cannot believe they think they own us. It’s all such a psychological mess. They are fighting to live just like us. Shame now I know there really are human predators out there and now since we are awake we can be much more alert to dancing with the swines. I cannot begin to think about facing every day that I havery to hurt people to make me feel better. If it was childhood trauma then really don’t parents have to pay? It just shows it does not have to just be neglect in poor households but it can be neglect in richer households as HG has shown us here.
Look after yourself. Keep away from narcs and live a good life.
SVR,
My ex-boyfriend would say to people, “I own you.” It is very difficult to wrap your head around this type of behavior. I find comfort in logic and this blog has provided me with that in spades. Thank you for your kind words and I intend on never getting involved with a narcissist ever again.
K
Wishing you a narc free life. Since we have this introspection now it will be alarm bells all the way. Take care 🙂
In a perfect world, he would feel the passion and electricity too. 😀
Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions.
HG,
I couldn’t stop reading. . . and then you leave us in suspense. Another masterpiece Sir!
Thank you.
Repetition, roles changed?
And that is one way to start the day. Try listening to the audio.
It’s not consent if they don’t know what they are sleeping with.
50 shades of HG. 🙂
mykeytolife,
Hilarious, thank you for that bit of levity.
50 Shades of Obey 😙
It feels like love but how can it be when it’s so anxiety provoking? Narcs leave the victim in a state of confusion.
What happens, HG, when someone leaves a higher for a higher (his superior)? Is my life in danger? I don’t care if it is. I’m just curious.
With our intense desire to give & your unfathomable need to take…are we bound by some horrible fate to only attract narcissists?
You can attract various people but you will always attract our kind as well and of course you are attracted to us too, therein lies the problem for you. You can now however identify us beforehand so you can evade.
Thanks HG. I needed to practice zero impact. EPIC FAILURE . Back to the drawing board I go.
Damn! Sign me up! Wait…I’ve been there. It’s a trap. 😬
Hello Admiral Akbar.
I’m not a Star Wars fan so the reference is over my head.
Noted. I guess you looked up the name and saw it is a character from Star Wars. He yells “It’s a trap” in Return of the Jedi and it has proven to be a quote that causes amusement.
Do you prefer Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Wars (unless there is a need to prefer Star trek which serves my purposes)
Ha ha ☺
I keep holding out hope…In 50 Shades of Grey, Anastasia was able to bend Grey to her will. But, alas, it was only a movie.
Anyone else just been served with a big ole plate of trigger???
No aperitif needed – ugh
😕
Ok…now I kind of need a cold shower…damn it.
Seconded!
Begins????
Take it you rape?
HG this is so so wrong. I am so glad the doctors are with you and you are being forced to oblige.
No more words for this as I would have to say things that could give you that little bit of fuel.
Now I am not into sharing. My emotions are all mine.
No I don’t, I have no need to, willingness is always provided.
Really???
Each to there own.
You really sure?
So it’s not verbal consent
They consent yes.
Not if consent is procured by fraud, and therefore invalid, or void.
If they know the truth about your ability to feel only certain emotions and not others, as well as correcting any material misrepresentations, then the consent is fully and freely given. That could happen from time to time.
I agree with SVR. I felt violated after learning I had “consented” to a fraud, had I known the true person I would not have. So yes, it’s a form of rape in a mental manipulative sort of way.
Joannne: someone else said they don’t stop. So to me that is rape. It really stands out as coercive control.
Hi SVR. I think you have misunderstood. The lady in the story is there willingly. She does not know what will happen: pleasure or pain. For some, that’s exciting. And sometimes pain can equal greater pleasure. I read this story in Sex and the Narcissist. Perhaps it helps if read in a sexual context.
Thanks for your answer HG. Thanks for Love as long as she is there willingly and he will let her go and listen if she says no then alls good.
I am aware there is good pain.
You are welcome.