The Igniters of Fury – No. 2
A series that allows you to understand what are the different things that you do which are likely to ignite the fury of a narcissist. Keep in mind that different schools of narcissists have different levels of control over their fury. Use this information to understand why you have been treated to heated or cold fury and to use this information to further your own position post escape.
54 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 2”
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Jar
I dont see a dilemma. I see you consciously moving forward with the goal of happiness for your son and yourself. If that includes someone along the way that you feel is worthy of being a part of that then it will be, but it is not necessary, no. As a child I would have given anything just to have him gone because in my mind I would have at least had access to my mother, (which may not have been the case but its what I believed at the time). Instead I was denied a father and a present mother as she was consumed by him. I was also told that my biological father was dead but I never believed it and I fantasized that he was a good man. I later confirmed he was alive and met him when I was 50 yrs old only to find that he may not have made my life hell like Stepnarc did, but he was a disappointment all the same. Im sorry I met him as before that I at least had the fantasy of a good father to hold onto. I had no grandparents and my mother had no friends so there was no male role model. Im saying all of this because I believe your son is already better off despite your concern. You are already a present and loving mother. I dont know if your parents are alive but if they are, he has them. You have friends and he will witness and be part of their lives. He has positive influences. He will have questions yes, but if you are able to mask your anger and disgust about his father and his partner(s) and simply say that he was unable to be a good father and that it was nothing to do with him, when he gets older he will have opportunity to see for himself what the truth is and all that you have done for him. I wish you both peace.
This is why I cut the narcissist out. He had newly agreed to call me every Friday (oh, how little I had accepted for myself, but he was (and still is, sucker) married). And on this particular Friday it was my birthday. And I was pregnant. And he didn’t call.
The end.
Jar
Good for you. Im guessing he was a no show for your sons birth day also?
Birth day, first birthday, coming second birthday, for sure. But he ‘donated’ as extra $250 this month so perhaps I’m supposed to choose a gift. Too bad I can’t choose a real father, someone my son can call ‘dad’.
Jar,
Why can’t you choose a real father for him? I did for my son.
Like you fell in love with someone new?
Some people are married to narcs then they marry new people. I’m not the sort of person who gets married even the first place (probably what saved me). I was supposed to have a child on my own because at 41 it hadn’t happened any other way with former partners for my inability to commit. What are the chances of meeting this deluded person and being gifted the child I never thought I would have? And, luckily, never having to commit?
That doesn’t mean I need a partner to raise my son – I’m strong enough to do that on my own – but I do believe my son (who’s nearly 2) needs a masculine energy of someone who I love – not just a friend. He can get masculine energy from my friends – but he doesn’t see and experience love between two people in an intimate relationship as role modelling. I don’t think I’m still even capable, despite the healing I’ve done (not because of the narc, but because I’m now aware of my own needs I need to fulfil).
That’s the dilemma. I’m not going to choose one of my friends to be a substitute father, and really, none of them would do the job as I would like it.
I’m too busy raising him to become romantically involved with someone new and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt – I got out of the relationship to stop the narcissist from ‘shocking me’ into continually giving him attention. The only attention I have and want to give at the moment is for my son.
Still stuck in a dilemma, aren’t I. 😊
JWAHL,
Thanks for that explanation. I’ve only been married once and I still am. He is not a narcissist. I was against the idea of marriage prior to him. I was engaged several times to a number of narcs. I was a single parent myself. I have one son. I asked the question because I met someone who made an excellent husband and father. I think it is possible to date and devote yourself to raising a child. I knew that I wanted to find someone that I could build a relationship with as I knew that my son would eventually grow up and leave. Then what would I have if I married to just have a father for my son? So I understand your position and if you don’t want to meet anyone thats cool and your right to choose. Like I said I just wondered why you didn’t want to find someone else. Thanks for clarifying. 😀
Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to find a new relationship too. Not right. Ow though – I don’t feel ready enough.
And that’s not something new. In fact, I’ve come to realise the narcissist knew that about me better than I did, so I knew I would never commit. This suited him because of his marriage.
Sorry, I hit reply instead of enter.
But then again, he also was so puppy dog over me I was taken aback. That wasn’t a ruse. I looked at him looking at me one day that way and said ‘oh my God – I seduced you’ (unintentionally) and Jesus, did he use that for the blame game for that rest of our relationship.
Awww 😞
I mean ‘awww’ because it must have hurt you, and you have his baby. I feel badly your baby will grow up without the presence of a father, though no fault of his own.
That’s right. He deserves so much better, but some say we choose our parents – and it’s a full time job remembering that his journey is his own.
Stay strong Jar.
I would say that it’s much better to have no father and a good, strong, loving mother than to have a cruel narcissist for a father and the corresponding weak, upset mother who has lost her sense of what is right in the world. Especially the narc father (most, if not all) who constantly makes both mother and child feel less-than and walking on eggshells. That helps nobody. And this is true even with the common example of the once-again strong mother finally free of predatory Narc ex-husband. However, the child is still vulnerable and a victim and now the mother isn’t even able to be there to protect him during visitation. I think we can all agree that it’s better that the narc is just not there at all, ever. It’s not the child’s fault, no, but it’s not exactly the mother’s fault either, if the narcissist doesn’t show himself until it’s too late. The person who is at fault, regardless of who knew what when? Yup, the narcissist. And they like that sort of thing…to trap you and everyone else, especially children that they can try to entice over to their sick way of being….until they get bored.
Ellimeno, “… weak, upset mother who has lost her sense of what is right in the world” – very valid point.
Lansealan
Ok, although that made me laugh, it also made me wonder how you reason that in your head at the time to continue on in the relationship. I picture you calling a cab or whatever and when you get home…………what does that look like? Same when women are hit for the first time. They have to lnow there is no reason that could be given that would suffice. I have always thought that is when they really knew something was wrong with themselves but chose to ignore it rather than face their own deficiency and act on it. Much easier to focus on a defecit in another and see themselves as being needed to help? I wonder if most can recall the first time this happened to them. Not the first odd comment or socially awkward moment, but an incident such as yours or the first time there was violence. I often wonder about the internal dialogue that allowed it to continue. I have asked my Mother how it is that I could see it as a child and she could not. She becomes steely but never answers and changes the subject. I always thought she believed she needed to be punished for something, but this way instead of being a masochist she was the victim (more acceptable role?) and focus on HIS issues.
Hello NA ⚘☕😊
It is the confusion of the golden period. It is so very golden.
And the first time..it is shock. It is utter disbelief. It is complete confusion because of the absolute contrast to what you believe of someone.
You become so embroiled in trying to think think think…thay you cannot believe it. You are in total shock..
The next..the added shock..the non belief that you had it so wrong the fist time!…more confusion…the added self doubt that if you was wrong the 1st time and about yourself too..then you can be wrong now and wrong about them and yourself this time…because this time isnt last time is it…or is it??? more questions…more confusion..more desire to fathom…to fix…to control happiness back in place…
You do not want to accept what happened either…you question whether it is your fault because this person is so GOLDEN…and
whilst in a weakened position they swoop with unrivalled apologies and go to all lengths to show that it isnt them…it isnt how they really are…etc etc.. you embrace the relief because you are so upset and want it to stop..like you will swallow any painkiller just to make it stop..and so if the painkiller is to believe them and disbelieve yourself at the time of the confusion…then for clarity andbecause you so much want to be the one who was wrong…because if you are wrong then you can fix it. You have the power to fix it and kill the shock. Kill the pain. Kill the confusion.
It is hard to understand why people go back but it is the shear decency of taking some blame..of compromise and also non acceptance of them being bad… and truely believing that the person is a ‘good ‘un ‘ really.
Forgiving and accepting some responsibility plays a huge role – and never but NEVER underestimate the power of the golden period.. It is absorbed into the psychy like the very air you breath if worked well.
The cycle of being sucked back in isn’t always about our damages…but it is like professional abuse -wrought in periods of absolute mind fog.
Buried at the time in it you rarely see the wood for the trees…they convince you it is a glitch..not them…the golden carpet is rolled out on top of the red carpet and then some.!!!
The shock..
the fog…
stun/slow your responses…
..I dont know a lot but I know that.
🤕
Few typos…checked em…still got past me damn it…you all get the gist..
Debbie, Jaeger, Jar and Lansealan
Thank you for your explanations. Its interesting to read other perspectives.
Debbie: this is the most brilliant way of describing it that I have ever read. Thank you.
NA,
I always made it very clear to N1 that if he ever hit me I was gone. The first thing wrong with that is, I shouldn’t have to say that to any person. Secondly he did slap my face and the backhand the other side. I attacked back. Called my Narc brother and told him, his answer was you probably deserved it for being a bitch. Nice support. Mind you I was 2500 miles from home. Thirdly my roommate was his secretary. She was old enough to be my mom her help was to say oh that happens. You are both passionate people and your feelings got the best of you. You will both calm down and he will see it was wrong. Don’t leave him. I believed. I stayed. He promised. I moved in with him. He accused me of cheating. I left. FF 20 years. He says, you left me. I say uh you hit me. He says I did? Smirking. I say yes ya did. He says That doesn’t sound like me but okay. I actually came close to falling for the hoover….thank HG for putting me right.
Thank HG. Yes.
Jaeger, narcissistic family, friends and acquaintances are not supportive at all. They usually find an excuse why they cannot to help you. They expect you to help them out when they need you, though.
Don’t I know it. Thanks for writing that so others know too. 😀
Ya NA,
Was always scratching my head and giving way too many benefits of doubt. Pretty sure this incident was still in the GP…Why did I hang around? Well, she was exotic beautiful intelligent foreigner etc. At that time I barely knew what narcissism was, let alone never being in a relationship with a NPD. This was only one incident of 50-75 that I documented. I’m writing a book and maybe do a blog of my adventure. My biggest downfall was the “I’m going to fix her and save her tormented soul” mentality. I truly felt sorry for her…she was widowed from a tragic accident at 23, with a 2&4yr old in tow, never lived in USA, etc. (This was her story, anyways. Lol) We met when we were 50ish. I was divorced for 8yrs after 22yr marriage. Was extremely naive and codependent “ready for the picking” ha! I should have just put a huge bullseye on my shirt. Learned a lot since then. More stories to come.
Peace
She’s driving in the fast lane of the frwy, going 75 …..me: “mind if I change the radio station”? She slams the brakes on, almost causing 3 wrecks,(amid numerous honking horns and free-birds) pulls over to the shoulder, skidding to a stop as my head hits the dash…reaches across me, opens the door….”NOW GET OUT!”
Whoa Lansealan! Cray cray!
Omg Iansealan..
Similar experience for me.. in some of our final days …a couple of times actually… on this occasion he asked me to change tracks on the fancy cd player… tiny tiny unfamiliar buttons and the movement of the car had me squinting to find the correct selection…
He got really annoyed and nasty…speeded up…then, a police speed trap van up ahead (UK) …he saw it and started shouting at me that it was all my fault now that he would probably get a ticket! (He didn’t)
I demanded to be let out of the car ..(I really had taken enough at this point in time from various nasty events worse than this ofcourse)
I sounded like a very stern hybrid version of my late mum and gran
“Stop this car immediately!”…I said….amongst other things…”AT ONCE!!!!”
LOL…what did I sound like?! 😂 Wasn’t funny at the time though.
Of course he didnt stop.
The car was his torture chamber. If it suited him to drive so as to make me uncomfortable and showing road rage at people etc..too close when he knew it was frightening.
…on another occasion:
He told me to Eff off in no uncertain terms..and more right at the start of our date because I couldn’t hear my cd because he was singing over it… and was very nasty to me..!
I wasnt nasty, I had turned the volume up just a little..I was lovely and polite…smiling and making light of it..but NO…!
So, since the outing was “on me…my treat” and I was the one driving…I calmly did a uturn and dropped him off at his.
I was all dressed up with nowhere to go as usual and ended up crying at home alone out of frustration and anger.
But he never knew that.
I kept up my own facade if you can call it that… of calm ‘not standing for that’ attitude in front of him .. He just loved to spoil everything. The more effort I made the more it was ruined.
So different from how things were. I never changed from the beginning apart from to keep having to walk away.
… it is hard to accept that me and him were an illusion all along.
I had to put up with it for a long time with self-centred friends, who did not even apologize. They were unreliable and inconsiderate. I am not talking about real emergencies or when something unexpected comes up. Even then, there are ways like email and telephone to let people know beforehand that it will not be possible to meet them (on time).
In my opinion, not showing up or not calling someone at an agreed time denotes lack of respect and consideration for the other individual.
I would not say that I get *furious* but it does annoy me VERY much. Is this a narcissist trait?
Being angry is not a narcissistic trait.
Thank you.
In the bad old days when I had a friend who I now strongly,well pretty much know was a narcissist, I frequently was kept hanging about waiting for her to turn up – as late as 45 minutes with no apology ever offered.But, on the rare occasions I was late, just because I was running a wee bit late , not to gain some daft wee power game victory or prove how massively important I was and how insignificant she was, I’d get a text saying ‘Where the f**k are you?’ and a rager of a reception when I got there. It was this kind of response that set me on the narc fact finding trail in the first place . See now, someone doesnt turn up within a reasonable time, I leave. She also used to phone me several times in a row if I didnt answer the phone but if I phoned her and she didnt get back to me in several days (not hours) it was because she was so very very busy and in demand and I was the mentalist for expecting an answer. Oooooft – so glad I finally saw what that was all about and would now recognise that behaviour like it had giant foam cheerleading fingers pointing red flags at me.
Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions.
We didn’t need an agreed time. I remember my phone ringing whilst I was driving so I didn’t pick up. I immediately got a text message saying “you never answer your f***ing phone” when I’d finished driving I called him back. He didnt pick up LOL.
To be fair I find it rude and annoying too…🌩☡
Bad manners are bad manners full stop..no matter whether narc or not.
Ignition all round for bad manners..
Usually this is the other way around- the narc doesn’t show up or call at the agreed time!
Yep! This was reversed for me as well. We had scheduled phone time and there was many a time I had an excuse of this or that of why he couldn’t call. I was DLS and his wife couldn’t be around.
I was usually the mad one. He stopped on the way home for a drink or two. I wasn’t his mother. He didn’t answer the me.
Exactly! Dependable Clarece is always punctual. Then when they pull the no-show and IF you’re lucky enough to extract the fabricated lame excuse for what happened, then they get to be mad at you for being rightfully upset. It used to feel like a set up for a silent treatment after a while.
“fabricated lame excuse” lol 😂😂😂
It’s all a set up my dear 🖤
Turnabout is fair play.
To expand…he was constantly late and didn’t call. So rude. When I called him out (pun intended) he didn’t even try to care. I once told him that if he was late and didn’t call, I would consider our plans cancelled. One time, I did just that. It was a Hallmark holiday that idgas about. The point is we had plans. He was a no show and no call at the appointed time. I waited and then took a three hour walk. When I came home, I had four voicemails. The last was angry. I politely let him know that he cancelled our plans with a no show or call and I made others.
1J1,
I had him bringing his yacht down to a restaurant to pick me up. Sat in restaurant waiting. 2 hours late. I kept calling straight to vm. I left. I no sooner get home he calls. Where are you? I say I was there you weren’t. I called. He says no signal on boat. You have 20 minutes to get here or I’m leaving. I went. I asked what happened mildly angry. He says let’s not fight I missed you come here. We are together now let me see your pretty face smile. That’s my girl. We are going to have fun. I caved. I liked his lies and the boat. What can I say. I’m Stupid.
I don’t think you are stupid, Jaeger. I’m just a weirdo with strange walls. I felt horrible. What he did and kept doing was rude. I gave fair warning and kept my word. Who knows? Maybe he was appeasing a DSL…or maybe hoovering his former IPPS. Idk but I cut and ran on that instance.
You are not stupid. You are far from it.
Aawww you are so sweet 1J1. Are you really just hoping I’m Jagomir Jagr? Sorry my insecurity is showing!
No dear.. You are well…i won’t say. You are not stupid though.
Won’t say??? I’ll be racking my brain all day. They hate me.
You know who you are. You are not stupid. I’m thinking about taking a dirtnap. If there is something after, I will.whisper in your ear. Don’t count on it. For whatever the fuck it is worth….i do not hate you. You are not stupid.
No voluntary dirtnaps! I don’t hate you either. I think you’re awesome. I am Pantiesofwisdom. So smarty pants extraordinaire…lol.
Not today dear A Beautiful Brain you have.
Hi HG,
From another thread somewhere it was mentioned as using the term greater interchangeably with psychopath. Is that correct in your view and what you are then, a psychopath? I think that narcissistic sociopath is what you said you were and the term psychopath mentioned by your doctors. Could you clarify it. I think it was Love who asked about it. I didn’t see greater being equal to that in what you write. I thought a greater could feel hatred, jealousy, rage, etc so some emotion thus making them sociopathic. Psychopathic ones do not have any emotions at all, right? My Father is Narc sociopath. He has some emotion and is highly intelligent with a calculating mind. He plans his moves. I don’t think he is psychopathic but has apd. Not all apd is psychopath, right? Could you please clarify? I have read your article about the spectrums of this but, what do you claim to be and can you break it down for us again. Pretty please with fuel on top?
So.. HG..
Narcissist are always ignited from my experience with them, others experiences with then, observing them and reading your material. Would you Agreed?
Yes, criticism wounds us and causes the ignition of fury repeatedly.